Chapter 32
"Its good to have you home, son," Ed finally said, after a relatively silent car ride. They had decided on a live tree this year after Emma's insistence that it was a tradition they were always deprived of, as their mother was a big fan of artificial trees that were easy to assemble and decorate. Ed was feeling a strong pull to make sure this Christmas would be okay despite the inevitable pain for his kids, so he readily agreed. Leaving Emma to work on college essays with Olivia, Ed, Nate, and Noah piled into the car and drove towards a traditional tree farm just north of the city.
"Yeah," Nate sighed, rubbing his eyes. He had flown in on the red-eye, landing early that morning. After missing Thanksgiving, his arrival had felt a little quiet and awkward. Ed had met him at the airport, greeting him with a smile and a tight hug, but back at the apartment Emma had been quiet. After her sprint to the door and bear hug, she had withdrawn quickly, making coffee and offering soft but short answers and comments in the morning conversation. The three Tuckers showered, dressed, and planned out their day while waiting for Olivia's arrival. As soon as she entered the apartment, Noah had sprinted for Nate, clearly having not forgotten him. After their mini-reunion, Noah noticed Nate and Ed begin to leave and he ran to the door.
"I go too," he demanded, plopping down in the foyer and fumbling with his little boots. "I go too!"
"No, no, sweet boy," Olivia said, hurrying over to try and intercept the meltdown. "You're gonna stay here with Mommy and Emma."
"No!" Noah said, struggling to get out of her arms and reaching for Ed. "I go too!"
Ed, unable to watch Noah beg to accompany them, looked over at Nate, signaling it was his call, and Nate nodded with a smile.
"Hey, No," Ed said softly, crouching down eyeing Olivia who gave him a soft, resigned smile. "Nate and me…we're goin' to pick out a Christmas tree. You wanna go?"
Noah's eyes got big. "Tee?"
"Yep," Ed replied. "A big one."
"Oooooh," Noah said, looking up at Olivia. "I go too."
She just laughed, hugged him tightly, and helped with his boots.
"Yes, sweet boy," she murmured. "You're going too."
An hour later, Noah was snoozing in the car while Ed and Nate tried and failed to make small talk. Finally, Ed just got to the point.
"Enjoy being with Bailey's family?"
"It was nice," Nate allowed, gripping the handle bar as a cab cut in front of them, causing Ed to break suddenly. "Damn cabs," he muttered, releasing the handle and continuing chatting. "It's beautiful in Sonoma. Went out for Thanksgiving dinner. Explored. Played games."
"Good," Ed said. "We missed ya, but I get why you wanted to stay."
Nate didn't say anything in response to Ed's comment. They allowed it to sit there until Ed finally pulled into the parking lot of the tree farm. Nate went to unbuckle his seatbelt, but Ed reached out to still his arm.
"I know this is hard," he said in his normal, raspy tone. "And I know you didn't really want to come for Christmas either. But we needed you here for this one. So if you need space, tell me. I'll make it happen. I'll do whatever you need. I'm just glad you're here."
"Thanks, dad," Nate said, giving him a soft smile. "Let's go get a tree."
The two Tucker men, plus Noah, piled out of the SUV and with near identical strides, made their way through the rows of trees. Noah skipped ahead while Ed and Nate followed behind, hands shoved in their coat pockets. After about twenty minutes, they paused in front of a tree and Ed looked it up and down, before letting out a laugh. Nate looked at him questioningly.
"I honestly have no idea what I'm supposed to be looking for," he admitted, his laughter growing. Nate let out a loud chuckle at that admission and soon all three of them were in fits of laughter in the middle of what was likely over one hundred Christmas trees.
As they calmed down, Ed shook his head and reached out to squeeze Nate's shoulder. "Wanna google what the hell we are lookin' for?"
Nate allowed his dad to pull him into a side hug before he pulled out his phone. "No problem, dad."
Olivia loaded the last of the cookware into Ed's dishwasher, turned it on, checked the contents of the crockpot once more and finally satisfied, moved around the island to stand by Emma.
"Doing okay?" Olivia often had to stop herself from saying terms like "sweetheart" as she'd grown to love Emma, but she knew they didn't have that kind of relationship at the moment.
Emma shrugged. "I suppose," she mumbled. "I'm tired of these applications. Never ending."
Olivia frowned and peered over the girl's shoulder, looking at the blinking cursor on a mostly blank word document. "What's this essay prompt?"
"Talk about a pivotal moment in your life and how you handled it."
Olivia winced.
"Exactly," Emma grumbled, shutting the laptop and allowing her head to fall against the countertop. "I don't want to do this," she moaned.
Olivia sat next to her on a stool and rubbed her back. "Don't want to do what?"
"Any of it," Emma said, but her voice was muffled as she hadn't even attempted to sit up.
Olivia sighed and reached over to move Emma's hair, so she could at least see some of her face. "Oh, Emma…"
Finally sitting up, Emma allowed herself to make eye contact with Olivia, revealing tired, red, watery eyes. "The idea of college just seems so…I dunno…I just don't care about it that much right now."
"Ya know what," Olivia said softly. "You don't have to. Not right now."
"They are due in a couple weeks tho…"
Olivia just shrugged. "A few are finished, right?"
"Yeah. NYU, Boston, the CUNY ones…"
"Then let's stop," Olivia suggested simply. "We don't have to care right now. In fact, I could go for a coffee. How about we get out of here for a little bit? Before the boys return?"
Emma's face brightened at the suggestion. "Okay," she said, hopping off the stool and moving her head a bit, as if to shake off the essay work. "That's a good idea, Liv."
Half an hour later, Olivia and Emma were walking down the sidewalk. It was cold in the city, but with the sun out there wasn't a biting chill just yet. Emma lifted her desired hot chocolate to her lips and blew on it, accidentally bumping into Olivia's side.
"Sorry," she said.
Olivia just smiled and wrapped her free around around Emma's shoulders. "All good," she replied. "Wanna stay out? Do some shopping?" She watched as the young girl bit her lip and allow her eyes to dart around the sidewalk and street.
"My mom and I used to get hot chocolate and go shopping, before we moved to LA," Emma said softly, her body tensing but almost naturally leaning more into Olivia's side. "The weekend before Christmas. There was something about…the lights and decorations and crowds…it's what made it feel like the holidays."
Olivia was quiet, unsure what to say as Emma divulged a rare, but important glimpse into her thoughts.
"Most of the time we wouldn't even buy much," she said, laughing to herself. "It was just the experience of being in the crowd and…being together."
Olivia noticed a spot where they could veer off and stand by a storefront for a bit, so she steered them over. Keeping her arm around Emma, she shifted in order to see her face.
"I'm sorry, Emma," she said softly, putting her coffee down on a nearby ledge and rubbing Emma's arms with her hands. "I didn't mean to bring that up…"
"Oh, it's okay," she said. "It's…nice. Feels kinda normal. I mean, not that…I know you're not my mom. God, that sounded weird. I'm sorry, Olivia."
"Hey hey," Olivia responded, shaking her head. "Didn't sound weird at all. I know you miss your mom. And these first holidays…Emma, I can't imagine how you are feeling right now."
Emma bit her lip and stared down at the sidewalk, shifting a little bit under Olivia's compassionate gaze.
"You tell me what you want to do, Emma. And that's what we will do."
The young girl was quiet for a bit. She looked around, took a sip of her hot chocolate, and finally looked into Olivia's eyes. Seeing no judgement, only compassion and care, Emma offered a small smile.
"Maybe one store?" Her offer was hopeful, as if she wasn't sure if Olivia was agree to it. But Olivia's face lit up and she couldn't help but grin.
"You got it," she said. "But don't let me buy more toys for Noah. I think I went overboard this year…"
Emma just laughed and looped her arm through Olivia's. It was a rare moment of her instigating the physical contact.
"He's so cute, though," Emma reasoned. "Maybe one more present…"
The girls were back at the apartment, in lounge clothes, and watching White Christmas when they heard a commotion in the hallway. Eyeing each other, Olivia got up and went to the foyer, Emma following closely behind. Smiles grew on their faces when they realized it was their boys and Olivia swung open the door. The sight in front of them caused her to immediately burst out laughing.
"Tee, Mama!" Noah said, jumping around excitedly and pointing to the larger than expected Christmas tree. The problem was it was a little too tall, and they couldn't quite get it out of the elevator without slamming it into the wall.
"Oh my…" Olivia said before snapping into action. "Noah, sweetheart, come here. Emma will you take him inside? I'll help the men get this tree in the apartment."
Ed gave Olivia a fake glare as she made her comment, but dutifully followed her instructions. They eventually got the angle right and brought the tree into Ed's living room. Emma had already set up the stand in the far corner, between one of the large windows and the fire place.
"Put it here," she demanded. "It's the perfect spot."
Once the tree was secured, Ed freed the branches before collapsing on the couch and letting out an exaggerated sigh.
"That was…a lot of work."
Nate grunted in agreement, shedding his outer layer before joining Ed on the couch. Noah, not wanting to be left out, scampered over and climbed up into Ed's lap.
"All done!" He declared clapping his hands.
Olivia just laughed at the scene of Ed and Nate completely exhausted, while Noah bounced around between them with all the energy in the world.
"Well, not quite sweet boy," Olivia said, picking him up and hugging him close. "We'll need lights and ornaments. But, this is Ed's tree. So we may leave before they get to that part."
Noah frowned and once again squirmed to get out of his mother's arms. Trying not to be hurt by his insistence at being with Ed and not her, she let him down and he went to stand in front of Ed.
"I help?"
"Of course," Nate said, interrupting the conversation. "We can't decorate the tree without you!"
"Kay," he said. "Gotta potty, Mommy."
Olivia rolled her eyes and took Noah's hand. "Wants nothing to do with me until its potty time," she murmured, leading Noah down the hall and out of earshot.
"You two sure about this? If you want it to be the three of us, just say so. It's okay."
"No," Emma said quickly, correctly sensing her and her brother were on the same page. "I like having them here. If that's okay with you, dad?"
"Oh," Ed said with a smirk. "It's more than okay with me."
Nate yawned and stood up. "I'm gonna shower and lay down for a bit. Didn't sleep much on the flight…"
"Alright son," Ed said, patting him on the back. "Let me know if ya need something."
Not making eye contact with his sister, Nate made his way down the hallway. Emma watched him for a bit, before moving to the oversized chair and curling up, focusing back on the movie and trying to ignore the small amount of tension that had grown between her and Nate since his arrival that morning.
The next night found Olivia curled up on her couch while Ed strung colored lights around her artificial tree. Much to Noah's dismay, getting his "tee" merely consisted of going to the basement storage unit, taking it out of the box, and fluffing the branches. Earlier Olivia had commented on how annoying the branches were as she would try to make them look fuller, so Ed had sent her to the couch while he did the work with Noah under foot.
"A lotta trees this weekend," he said, reaching around back and spreading out some branches towards the bottom of the full, seven foot tall tree, before wrapping the green cord around them.
"Yeah. Christmas feels like it's right around the corner."
"It basically is," Ed observed, standing up and admiring his work. "What do ya think, Noah?"
The little boy looked up from where he was playing trains on the coffee table. He admired the tree, his little mouth twisted up in thought, before he nodded. "Lights?"
"You bet," Ed said, switching the button with his foot. The bright colors shone throughout Olivia's living room and Ed couldn't help but smile as Noah ran into Olivia's arms and curled into her lap as they admired the tree.
"So pretty, isn't it sweet boy?"
Noah just nodded before climbing back down. "Balls?"
Ed looked at Olivia, unsure of what Noah meant.
"Ornaments," she said simply. "But we can do those later. You've done enough Christmas treeing for a while…"
Ed came over and plopped on the couch next to Olivia, kissing her cheek and allowing her to rest against his side. As he moved his arms around Olivia, holding her tightly to him, Ed felt himself never wanting this moment to end. Even after being together all day, both days of the weekend, when Olivia would depart for the night Ed found himself lonely and missing her more intensely than before.
Seeing that Noah was preoccupied with his trains again, Ed kissed Olivia's head and took a deep breath. "What are you thinking about, well, actual Christmas?"
Olivia shifted so she could face Ed, as she had assumed this subject would come up soon. "Well," she said slowly. "I guess that depends on what you and your kids are doing. I figure Noah and I will be here Christmas Eve, open Santa presents in the morning, then…we can do our own thing or…maybe do something all together?"
Ed smiled softly at Olivia's uncertainty around whether they'd be together during the holiday. He reached out and lightly traced her jaw, eyes raking over her face as he took in her beauty. "Whaddya say about stayin' with us Christmas Eve. Santa can visit my place?"
Olivia returned his smile and leaned into his touch. "What about your kids?"
"What about them?"
Chuckling and rolling her eyes, Olivia gave Ed a look. "It's their first Christmas…ya know…"
"It is," Ed said softly. "And they both said they want you and Noah with us."
"The whole time?"
Ed kissed Olivia and pulled back just enough to talk, his breath hitting her lips as he spoke. "The whole time."
The wide smile on Olivia's face gave Ed his answer and he wasted no time grasping the back of her head and bring her lips to his, kissing her deeply and slowly. Cognizant of Noah nearby, he kept it PG and reluctantly pulled away after a couple of minutes.
"I know you can't stay the night, but Noah's going to bed soon," Olivia whispered, running her finger along Ed's lips. "Think you can stay another couple of hours?"
Ed smirked and kissed the pad of her finger before playfully biting it.
"Ed!" Olivia shrieked, laughing at his move. Noah, not wanting to be left out, popped up and ran over to the couch.
"Ed, you pay?"
"Noah, we need to take a bath," Olivia said, before Ed could agree to give Noah whatever he wanted. "No more playing. Come on."
"No," Noah said as Olivia picked him up, moving to the back of the apartment. "Want Ed!"
Olivia rolled her eyes yet again at Noah's new found clinginess to her boyfriend. "We'll be right back, babe," she said to Ed. "Make yourself comfortable."
An hour later, Olivia was resting comfortably and sated against Ed's chest. A light throw covered their bodies and the colored tree lights were the only light filtering in the living room.
"Ya know," Olivia began, her voice deep as she continued to bask in her relaxed state. "Noah's not in a crib anymore…"
Ed lightly tickled her lower back and smirked as Olivia's shuddered a bit. "Ya don't seem eager to get up, Benson."
"I'm not, Captain Tucker."
A few more minutes went by before Olivia let out a sigh. "Back to work tomorrow," she lamented. "It's been such a nice weekend."
"Been good having everyone together," Ed added.
"Mmmhmmmm."
Ed pulled Olivia closer and kissed her head. "Can't help but think what it would be like to not have to leave ya at night…"
"Mmm, Emma will eventually be okay enough to stay on her own overnight," Olivia reasoned. "And she's been okay the few times we've stayed with you."
"Yeah, uh, that's not exactly what I meant." Ed felt Olivia's body tense against his, as she froze in realization. "Relax," he said. "I don't mean right now. But…well, you do see that in our future, don't you?"
Olivia tried to force her body to relax, but her stomach was in knots. She sat up slightly so she could look at Ed's expression. He seemed confident, but there was an undertone of worry in his eyes.
"I guess, well," Olivia stumbled over her words a bit. "I do," she finally admitted. "But I sort of shelved it indefinitely with…everything that happened."
Ed didn't say anything, he just smoothed her hair back and lifted his head enough to kiss at her face. "I don't want to put our lives on hold…"
"Ed, your kids are not ready for that," Olivia finally said, half hoping Ed would disagree, but she could see on his face that she was right. "We can't rush this…"
"We've been together two years," Ed said. "We aren't rushing…we are crawling…"
Letting out a frustrated sigh, Olivia sat up fully and reached for her t-shirt. She pulled it over her head, threw Ed his boxers. Once they were semi-clothed, they sat up, facing each other, but their hands gripped the other's tightly.
"You said you and Emma had a good day," Ed reasoned. "Noah loves Nate…"
"We did have a good day," Olivia agreed. "But a good day is a long way from being ready for all of us to permanently live together."
"Will you ever be ready?" Ed asked, before he could stop himself.
Olivia's head snapped a bit and she pulled her hands back, running her fingers through her hair. "What the hell does that mean?"
Ed closed his eyes, regretting the question but it was too late to take it back. "Olivia, I don't wanna be without you. I love you."
Olivia was quiet for a moment, collecting herself, before she took a deep breath and responded softly. "I love you, too." The couple sat there for a few minutes, glancing at each other in between moments of admiring the living room.
"I'm sorry," Ed finally said. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't," she whispered. "I don't know why I get this way."
"Olivia Benson, I get it. I get you. I promise you I understand. But what you have to understand, is that I'm not going anywhere. Ever."
Tears sprung to Olivia's eyes and she tried desperately not to let them fall, but she failed.
"Aw, Liv, don't cry…I'm sorry."
Olivia shook her head, but the tears poured down her cheeks. Ed immediately moved and pulled her into his chest, rocking her slightly.
"Shhhhhhh Liv," he whispered into her hair. "It's okay. I'm right here. I meant what I said. I'm not going anywhere. We're gonna figure this out. I promise you, we'll figure it out."
After a few minutes, Olivia's tears began to slow. She gripped Ed's shirt tightly in her fist, not allowing him to let her go. Taking a deep breath, Olivia closed her eyes before whispering, "I don't wanna be without you either."
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