Marinette had this week beautifully planned.
When she found out Gabriel had selected her to appear in the pages of Vogue, she knew this week was coming and she had put on a strict plan to follow. But, of course, things had turned to be a mess and the week didn't go anything like Marinette expected it.
The last months had been crazy. It seemed like everything that could come back and bite her was taking all its strength and pushing her to the edge, stabbing knives on her back and making her feel like hell had broken loose on her personal little world. The world that had been safe and comfortable, maybe a little bit confusing at times, but safe indeed.
Now chaos was running around her like an old neighbor would.
Marinette's head was spinning around, making her feel dizzy and nauseous. Her heart was pumping at light's speed, making it hard to breathe and stay still.
It would have been one thing, to sew a whole suit that would look impeccable and elegant on Gabriel Agreste's son, but it was another, completely different and more twisted thing, to have to fight with the demons inside her head, that apparently had reunited and come to an agreement to bother her with all their strength this week. Both were stressful situations, but they were not at the same level, not for a second.
Marinette sighed. Looking around her, things outside of her brain weren't going well either and it was mostly her fault.
Marceline and Sébastien tried to play it cool, but she realized that they were keeping an eye on her, giving constant rounds around her workstation, changing turns every twenty minutes. Sébastien had offered numerous times if she needed help fixing the collar of the shirt and Marceline had tried to help her sew the lapel of the jacket, but Marinette had refused every time. It didn't matter how distracted she was or how many times she had had to start again, she didn't want their help because that would mean that something was wrong with her, and she didn't want to admit it to them.
In the time she had known Sébastien and Marceline, they had proven to be great friends.
They had met each other in the personal interviews Gabriel held for the interns' position and they clicked immediately. They had been incredibly lucky and gained a spot in the workshop and now they were inseparable.
Marinette had told them about the accident, the thing she remembered and how hard it had been, and they had been supportive, almost as much as Alya was. It was like she had known them her whole life. Nevertheless, she never confided them the big secrets and right now she was living one, and she was still too scared to tell them the truth.
"Mar—
"I'm fine," Marinette cut Sébastien before he could ask. She sighed at the sad face he made "Okay, I'm not fine, but it's not a big deal, things like this morning happen all the time."
"It doesn't matter if they happen all the time, little lady; it happened today, in front of us and we are worried. Also, you don't' look good, you are pale and look like you're about to puke your guts out"
"I'm on my period," That was not the reason, but it wasn't a lie either so she didn't felt bad keeping that lie alive. "The cramps are killing me,"
"Do you want medicine?" Marceline asked, making her round "I have an analgesic somewhere in my wallet,"
"I'm fine, I think I'll just go home and take a nap," She sighed. How many times in an hour could a human being sigh? "I already finished Adrien's jacket, and I have my dress at home so I can finish it with no problems,"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Marceline, I'm sure," Marinette nodded as she begun to clean her desk.
She threw her things into a bag and cleaned the mess as fast as she could, something she never did. She usually took her time so all of her stuff would stay organized and neat; well, not today.
She put on her coat and left the workroom without saying her usual and warm goodbye to her friends, she just waved at them from the door before disappearing.
Marinette wished she could be able to be teletransport, if only she had that ability, she wouldn't have to stumble into people, but life wasn't easy and luck wasn't on her side today. In the middle of the corridor, from all the people she could run into, it was Nathalie the one who had to appear.
Okay, maybe, just maybe, Nathalie hadn't seen her.
"Mademoiselle Marinette," What a fool of her to think Nathalie wouldn't notice her. How she wished this was old times when she would have passed unnoticed. "Going somewhere?"
"I'm on my way home. I'm feeling a little dizzy and can't focus here," Marinette swallowed, "Is there a problem? Should I stay?"
Please say no, please say no, please say no.
"No, you should not," Nathalie shook her head, "M. Agreste would understand, after this morning we all do."
"Well, thank you,"
"I'll call a car for you, wait here," Nathalie pointed out to the closest room.
Marinette, realizing the words she had heard were no part of her imagination –Nathalie was nice, but not that nice- followed her in an attempt to stop her. "That won't be necessary, Nathalie, I'm fine!"
"Mr. Agreste, the two of them, wouldn't be happy if you leave alone after the events of this morning" Marinette felt the blush appear on her cheeks. The mere suggestion of Adrien caring about her made her body electrify.
"Don't tell them then," Marinette said under her breath. Sighing she shook her head and give another look at Nathalie "Really, I take the metro every day, I could do it asleep."
Before Nathalie could oppose once again, Marinette showed her phone "I'll send a text as soon as I get home, would that be good?"
"Alright," Nathalie nodded "How long does it take you to get home?"
"Half an hour if it's not crowded," That was a lie, but Nathalie wouldn't let her go if she knew that it took her around an hour –when it wasn't crowded- to reach home.
"I'll be expecting that text, Miss Dupain Cheng," Marinette nodded in response. Finally being able to leave, she ran the rest of the path she had left.
When she reached the metro station, only three blocks down the street, she didn't go to take the usual metro-line she took every day, she ran to the opposite side of the station and took a different line, but not a strange one.
Because, Marinette didn't want to go her apartment; that was her house and was slowly becoming her home, but it wasn't her home just yet. Her home was the bakery, and that's where her heart was aching to go.
Inside of Marinette's heart, the necessity of finding comfort was growing like a tiny monster, eating out every single good thought that could make her feel calm, only leaving behind anxiety and sadness. The only remedy for that kind of feeling was to go home, her real home, the place where she felt it was the safest one on earth.
The feeling the bakery and her parents brought, had never disappeared, not even when the memories of that placed have been erased from her mind. She always felt at ease at the apartment they shared, and she was expecting to feel the same way today, though she didn't have great expectations.
Instead of leaving her problems at the other side of the door, this time they were going inside with her, and Sabine noticed it immediately. Marinette did nothing more than greet her parents for her to realize something was bothering her daughter.
It was in her eyes, in the way she moved and how she faked a smile at them. She could tell Marinette was happy to see them, but there was a shadow on her face that betrayed her, showing off the real colors of Marinette's emotions.
Lately, Marinette had been acting weird, in a constant state of paranoia. Sabine wondered if it had something to do with Adrien coming back to the city. It would be a logical explication, since both of them were always in strange situations together, even if they didn't know it.
Sabine was a careful mother, who paid attention to her daughter and the world around her, it didn't take her long time to add things up and discover Marinette was the spotter heroine who looked over Paris.
It had been a hard decision to keep the secret, but after numerous and serious conversations, Tom and she decided to let Marinette be the one to reveal herself to them when she was ready and act as she was fooling them. However, they never ignored the situation. Without Marinette knowing they always did things to protect her and make sure she was healthy and happy. They would buy bandages and pain medicine, they would prepare more food so Marinette could sneak out at late nights and still have nutritious food to eat instead of the chips and hard croissants she used to steal before, in between other things that were littler but still helped their daughter.
It wasn't easy to know Marinette was in danger all the time, but it had always been a relief that she wasn't doing it alone. Chat Noir was there.
That kid was a perfect teammate for their Marinette, they would see the two of them in interviews, in patrol or just hanging out, and Sabine knew he was a good kid, but what made her love him more was that he was always protecting her. Chat Noir would always take the shot for Ladybug. That was a relief for Sabine, to know someone was ready to put their life on the line for her daughter. It was selfish, very selfish, but her daughter would always come first. But that didn't mean she didn't care about the teenager who was obviously in love with her daughter, it made her worry more about him, so she kept an eye on him just as she did for Marinette, and that's how, only a few months after discovering Marinette's secret identity, she believed to have discovered Chat Noir's as well.
At first, she wasn't sure, it was only a feeling on her guts, telling her that Adrien Agreste had to be the masked cat, but then it was certain. When Marinette and Adrien grew closer together and her daughter overcame her stuttering and nerves around her crush, they became great friends and an incredible team. Then it was obvious for her, but clearly not for them. Frustrating times, she had to admit it, but she let them be.
Having that piece of information was a burden, a heavy rock against her heart, but there wasn't much that she could do to lift the weight of it. She wanted to tell Marinette before and she wanted to tell her now, but Marinette kept walls and asked for them to be respected. After Adrien's arrival, Sabine wasn't sure if it was the right choice to keep quiet.
Marinette being more paranoid and stressed just when Adrien appeared couldn't be a coincidence. Adrien coming back and asking questions had to mean something, besides his obvious regret of leaving Marinette alone. There was something going on, that was obvious, but exactly what it was, was a mystery.
Sabine had many things to say but she didn't say any of them. She just received her daughter into her house and let her go to her old room. Once again, she decided to leave her alone, to go for her own path.
But that didn't mean she wasn't going to help somehow. She never knew exactly what was happening, but she always did something about it. This time wasn't the exception.
xx
Marinette wasn't sure where to start; she hadn't thought this through. When she was in the metro she felt like she was going to know exactly what to look for first as soon as she stepped into her old room. But that wasn't happening.
Things were exactly as they always were inside of it. Her mom cleaned her room weekly, without moving things of their place and leaving it just like Marinette had left her room six years ago. Marinette knew well that the reason why her mother did that was related to her memory. Sabine hoped that leaving things just like Marinette like them years ago would spark something inside her mind. She had always thought her mother's actions had been useless, in all these years nothing inside the pink room had triggered anything inside her mind.
How sad, it still didn't work.
Marinette looked around for long minutes, standing at different corners of her room, trying to change the perspective so something could catch her eye.
Nothing worked.
Marinette sighed and jumped to her divan, lying on her stomach. She took one of the pillows and pressed her head against it before screaming.
When she felt like she was suffocating, this time physically and not psychologically, she threw the pillow to the floor and pressed her left cheek against the cushion. Her sight ended up on her desk, looking to a death point of it.
Marinette watches from this perspective every angle of the space in front of her. From the pink of her walls to the clips glued on them, the flag decorations she had around, the different portraits she had on her desk, the space where her old computer screen used to be and now was filled with old folders, the pink chair with wheels, the boxes under the desk—
The boxes under the desk.
Boxes she filled up with stuff she didn't want to see, with memories and clues to the past she didn't remember, to the past she said wasn't going to peek through those mountains of memories and past events she decided to keep.
But today…. today she was desperate. And she knew exactly how to stop that desperation.
Between all those boxes, labeled with different names, there was one that promised to give answers: Diaries.
Marinette used to keep diaries. Notebooks were she would ramble and tell all about her day and talk about her crush. Well, that's what Alya said to her all those times she tried to convince her to read one.
Marinette inhaled deeply.
She wasn't sure if all the answers would be there, maybe she just spoke about mundane stuff like any other teenager did, maybe this was a crazy call of despair that would lead to an empty alley. But, if Alya was right, then there were things about Adrien, and if there were things about Adrien then a few answers would be there too. Adrien had triggered more sensations and confusing thoughts than anyone she knew, even before remembering him, he was a constant dizzy sensation in Marinette's body.
If Adrien provoked questions, then knowing more about him would give her a few answers. It was only logical.
It was decided, she was going to read the diaries.
She didn't stand, it was more like she let her body fall to the ground in the most delicate way she managed and then started crawling to where the box was. Breaking her promise did not feel good. She knew it was the only solution but she still felt like she was betraying herself. Stupid, she knew that, but what could she do?
She roomed through the boxes until she saw the one with the diaries, that of course, had been one of the last boxes on the pile, in the shadiest corner of it. There were five, but she only took the one with the years she needed. Thank god, she had written them down on the outside because if not then she would have had to look through her 10-year-old diaries, and those would have nothing but useless information and, probably, embarrassing thoughts.
She took the journals out and displayed them in front of her, organizing them by year. She used two journals a year, except her last year of school: she used three. Looking at the journals in front of her she realized that they would contain more information that the one she needed or details that wouldn't provide any answers and, of course, stories that would probably make more questions appear inside her mind.
She had to choose well. She had to choose a date that would be useful and that would explain things with just a few sentences, she didn't have the patience to go through every single diary in front of her. She wanted quick answers, she had to choose well.
Okay, but to choose well, she had to know what answers she wanted to reveal first.
For years, thousand of questions had been running around inside her mind. Like a roller coaster, making constants loops, producing adrenaline and fear, showinf off with physical sensations. There were many questions she could answer, answers that had been there for years but right now, right now, what was the things she was most curious about? No, not that. What was the thing that would give more answers?.
Ladybug.
The mystery of Ladybug, and her relation with it, was the biggest concern and the one she had had for the longest time, it was only logical to go for it first.
But, it was a strong subject, she couldn't just pick any date, she needed a good date, one that could confirm that her doubts were rightly based and at the same time something that wouldn't freak her out, nothing too strong, but nothing too vague.
Choosing when all it started would have been too confusing, and in the middle maybe wasn't a good idea either; she may stumble with some information that wasn't necessary for her research.
When was all over?
It was a little risky but maybe it was the fastest way to figure it out. Yeah, when it was over was nice.
She chose a month later of the fall of Papillon a Parisian holiday easy to remember, and if she had anything to do with it, she was sure she had written something about it. That day would confirm if she was or not Ladybug, but wouldn't include any fights since Papillon would've been defeated. Yeah, that date was right.
She flipped through the pages until she found the selected date. The sight of her own calligraphy made her feel a little bit calm but it wasn't enough to stop the tremble on her hands. Marinette took a big breath and started reading before she could regret her decision.
Dear Diary:
Things are better.
Better is still not good but,it is something.It isa step closer to good, and a step closer means that one day they would be excellent even normal. So, I'm thankful for that littlebetter.
It's still hard to speak about it, it's even harder to pretend that I wasn't involved in it, that I wasn't one of the main factors of it. Everyone lives in their own world now, some more than others, that makes me feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore, not even Tikki—
Marinette stopped.
That name… It was new and foreign but the longest she stared at it, the echoes on the back of her mind became louder. She couldn't understand what they were saying, only that they were loud.
She touched the page with her fingertips and touched the word. It was there, she had written it, and the feelings inside her body were almost never wrong. She was supposed to know what it meant and who that person was but... she did not.
Tikki…It sounded weird, not like a real name, more like something you would call an imaginary friend.
She kept reading.
—I wish that I could tell everything to Alya. That's what I always wanted, after defeating Papillon I planned to tell her but our world is hell on Earth right now, and it is impossible for me to talk about it without bringing more pain into it. I don't want to put more weight on Alya's shoulders; she already has enough to worry about with Nino. I don't want to imagine how she will react when I tell her that I'm Ladybug—
At the last sentence, Marinette's heart turned into a ticking bomb, it couldn't be a human living heart anymore because it didn't seem to move, but oh boy, did it have an annoying beating sound, and just like a bomb, she felt like it was going to explode in only seconds.
This was what she was looking for, this was what she had always had doubt. And while she did felt confusion and uncomfortable sensations all over her body, it didn't feel surprising. That was what made the situation unbearable.
It was like she had always known but didn't want to accept it. After all, she could spend days just looking at old videos of the akuma fights, reading articles and smiling at comments of fans who were still spreading their love all over the internet.
Marinette was shaking but not of surprise, the feeling was deeper and darker than that.
"Keep reading Marinette, keep reading…" She whispered softly, trying to calm herself down "You're Ladybug, it's no big deal, you're just a heroine that used to run over the roofs of Paris… you do the same now, it is no big deal"
It was a big deal, but Marinette was too headstrong to say it out loud.
"Keep reading Marinette." She said one more time. Once she felt ready, she started reading from where she had left it.
—it would be chaotic! I can't imagine all the questions she would ask, and if she knows I'm Ladybug she would ask me who Chat Noir is! And I haven't used to know his identity just yet, it's been just a month but—
Marinette screamed.
She read the fragment again two times, then another one just to confirm what she had already seen. When the words written down didn't change, no matter how much she wished, she screamed again, louder and more desperate this time, and then she threw the diary as far as she could. The diary smashed against her wall and fell to the ground, letting papers spread all over the floor.
That was the last straw. That was the last piece of shocking information she could read today.
Oh my god, she knew who Chat Noir was!
Oh god, did that mean he also knew she was Ladybug? That would make so much sense! It would explain why they had clicked together so fast, why he wanted to spend so much time with her, why they fought so well together and why he sometimes called her by the nickname he gave Ladybug.
God damn, she was Ladybug. It was not only a big deal, it was a gigantic, the size of the Eiffel Tower kind of deal!
This was too much to handle in a day. She was hoping to get information but she didn't imagine she would find that many revealing facts in the course of a page! This wasn't how it was supposed to go!
"Marinette are you okay?" Her mother appeared through the trapdoor. Her eyes shined with worry. "I heard you scream, what is wrong, sweetie?"
Marinette ignored her. Not onpropose, but her mind was too far away to concentrate in the real world. The pieces of information she had recollected in this short minutes were passing through her mind like the headlines of a newspaper.
These things weren't theories anymore, they had turned into facts, and Marinette was trying to put them together with old parts of her memories.
First, her being Ladybug, was connected to her accident; finally giving a logical explanation to it.
Second, there was the reason why Chat Noir and she got along so well… Wait a minute.
If she had known his secret identity, then of course Chat Noir had discovered hers! He had been pretending not to know but he had to know! And if he hadn't known back then, there was no way that he didn't know about it know. It was only obvious for him to assume she was his old partner. Marinette had shared lots of details with him, and Chat Noir was smart, he could have put two and two together, with the time they spent together it was impossible for him not to notice.
Now that she thought about it, anyone close enough to her could put the pieces of the puzzle together….
"Alya," Marinette whispered.
Alya was the closest friend she had and she was the old owner of the Ladyblog! The Ladyblog! A blog completely dedicated to her superhero persona.
And Alya had found her… and she never explained...
What if Alya had known all this time? What if she had kept it a secret? Was that even possible? Yes, it was very possible! There was no way Alya didn't know!
Alya was a journalist with a vivid and critical eye, she was better than detectives at times. Well, she didn't know that she was sneaking out with Chat Noir these months… or did she?
"Oh my god, what if Alya has been lying to me this whole time?" The thought was disgusting. It felt like acid was running to her throat, it felt like, pure liquid betrayal.
"Marinette, sweetie you're scaring me," Marinette felt the hand of her mother on her shoulder.
She was standing by her side in the middle of her room. Marinette realized, in her mother's eyes this was a horrible scene. Tears were streaming down her face, her hands were pulling the hair on her scalp, and her whole body was trembling as it had a mind of its own.
"I just…" Marinette couldn't come out with an excuse, the thought on her head were making everything blurry and confusing, yet she couldn't escape from them because she wanted to see them.
Marinette looked at her mother and a thought struck her mind. If Alya knew –and she was sure that she did- there was no way she kept the secret from her parents, what meant…
"Oh my god," Marinette took a step away from Sabine.
"Marinette,"
"This is not happening, this is not happening,"
Sabine tried to take Marinette from her shoulders and make her sit down, but in an abrupt and aggressive movement, that did not seem intentional, Marinette shoved her mother aside and left the room, running out of the house.
Running, running, running… but this time it wasn't to leave the problems behind but to confront them. And there was only one person she knew she could attend to. There was only one person that she knew was going to tell her the whole truth because he had already tried before.
xx
