To my reviewers: Thank you for not only reading, but also reviewing. Just a little note to say that you never, ever have to apologize for not writing well in English. I am honored that you read my work and hope that you continue to enjoy…and leave me notes! I've also appreciated some of the heartfelt and personal reviews that have been left. I hope that my writing continues to be meaningful, impactful, and at the very least provide us with the Tuckson we all need and deserve ;).

Also, I had planned for this chapter to go a certain way but…well…this happened instead. (shrugs)

Chapter 36

Ed was pacing. His phone was gripped tightly in his hand as he traversed the length of his apartment. He would stare out of the living room windows, looking down at the streets, before sighing and walking by the kitchen, straightening things that were already in place. Then he would walk down the hallway and look into Emma's room.

Olivia watched from the couch, where she sat and spoke with Fin quietly on the phone.

"She got any friends she may have gone to?"

Rubbing her forehead, Olivia shook her head before remembering Fin couldn't see her. "No," she said quietly. "Not that I'm aware of."

"Let me know when you're at the point you want me to trace her phone."

Olivia smiled at her oldest friend's offer. Emma had been gone for only a few hours, which in no way warranted a phone trace, but Fin was ready to do it. Olivia could even hear Mike Dodds in the background asking if he should make the call.

"Nah, stand down for now."

Chuckling at Fin telling her squad's second-in-command to stand down, she thanked him and told him that she would check back in later. Olivia hung up the phone, checked to make sure Noah was still engrossed in his show, and padded towards the back hallway where Ed was still looking into Emma's room.

"Where the hell is she?" His voice was raspy and low, but Olivia could hear the hint of both anger and fear in the tone.

Rubbing his back, she rested her chin on his shoulder, peering over it into the recently cleaned bedroom, for Emma was not one to like clutter.

"I don't know," Olivia answered honestly. "I was hoping she was just going for a quick walk, maybe a hot chocolate…" Her voice trailed off, thinking back to their conversation before Christmas. The guilt was beginning to set in. "Ed, I'm sorry I pulled you back and let her go. I really thought she needed space. I still think that, but…"

Snapping out of his self pity and anger, Ed turned around and cupped Olivia's cheek with one hand. "You're the last person who should be apologizing," he said. "I should be apologizing to you…and Emma…for a lot."

Olivia shook her head. "I don't think any of us need to apologize," she finally surmised. "We've been dealt a shit hand recently. Everyone's doing the best they can. And we knew…or had anticipated…Emma hitting her breaking point."

Ed ran his hand through his hair and looked down the hallway.

"Yeah," he said. "I didn't anticipate…that."

"I didn't either," Olivia agreed, taking his hand and leading him back down the hall and into the living room. They curled up on the couch together and Olivia smiled as Ed mindlessly played with her hair. "I think that I…we…have been so focused on getting her settled and trying to find a new routine, that perhaps we didn't let ourselves really think about what happened to her."

She paused, giving Ed time to react or respond, but he didn't.

"Or at least, I didn't," she admitted. "It's like I knew she was in pain, but I never let myself really sit with what she went through."

Ed gripped her hair and kissed her forehead. "I didn't either," he finally whispered. "I didn't let myself get remotely close. I just couldn't."

The couple sat in silence for a while, watching Noah who was happily absorbed in a Winnie the Pooh episode. Ed's fireplace was on and crackling in the background, and he eventually shifted to look out the window.

"Snow's really comin' down," he said, his voice filling with worry again. Picking up his phone, he typed in the code and checked his messages, seeing nothing. "I'm gonna go look for her…"

He stood up and Olivia tugged at his arm. "Where are you even planning to go?"

"Nearby stores and coffee shops," he said simply. "If she's not there, Fin's gonna trace her phone. I'm not doing this. We are not doing this with her."

Standing up, Olivia forced Ed to look at her. She stared into his eyes and kissed his lips softly. "Don't do that," she whispered. "Don't get mad at her."

"She shouldn't be worrying us like this," he grumbled, knowing Olivia was right but he felt better being angry instead of worried.

"Emma is scared," Olivia reasoned. "And traumatized. She's not trying to worry us, she's just trying to survive."

Ed took a few deep breaths before kissing Olivia one more time. "I'll be back."


Ed walked into a familiar coffee spot, stomped his feet at the door, and made his way to the counter. A man that Ed always assumed was the owner greeted him.

"Awful weather out there," he said. "What's brings you out in it? Need a large?"

"Ah," Ed said, taking off his gloves and warming his hands. "Maybe just a small."

"Comin' right up," the man said, humming along. "Been slow today."

"I bet," Ed mumbled. "Hey, listen, my daughter didn't come in today, did she? Couple hours ago, maybe?"

"She did," he confirmed, handing Ed the cup and sliding him a cardboard holder. "Got her usual hot chocolate. Sat over there by the window for a bit. Seemed…upset? But before I could check on her, she was gone."

"Ya didn't see where she went, I assume?"

"No," the guy said, shaking his head. "Sure hope she's not missing? It's nasty out."

Ed's lips formed a straight line, but he didn't answer the man. He fumbled for his wallet, but was waved off.

"On the house," he said. "Hope the girl's alright."

"Thank you," Ed said, bundling back up and taking back off into the storm. He sipped the coffee quickly before dropping the half-empty cup into a corner trash can. Standing on the corner of Ninth Avenue and Sixtieth Street, debating whether to head towards the park of towards the river. Ed knew the odds of running into Emma were slim, but his guilt was eating at him, and the longer he didn't hear from her the more worried he became. Shooting a quick text to Olivia, he decided to check a couple of places by the park before heading home and conceding they should call Fin.


Emma wandered aimlessly down eleventh avenue, sipping hot chocolate that she gripped with her gloved fingers. She veered into DeWitt-Clinton park and walked by the ball parks, towards the playground and the water front. The sun had already set, and given the thick, gray clouds and heavy snow, it was dark and the street lamps were dimmer than usual. But Emma didn't care. She kept walking, before coming to stop at the railing and looking down over the piers and eventually out over the Hudson River. She shivered, taking another sip of her drink before it, too, got cold, and kept staring blankly.

She was motionless on the floor, the weight of her mother's body fully on her. Squeezing her eyes closed, she held her breath, hopeful Chris would think they were both hit and would leave her alone.

It worked.

As soon as she heard the door close, Emma let out a strangled cry.

"Mom?"

She couldn't move her body, she was completely frozen, but she could feel something wet dripping and seeping into her clothes.

"Mom, say something. Please"

"Mom, it's okay, he's gone."

Still too frozen to try and move, Emma stayed perfectly still, terror having paralyzed her.

Eyes closed, Emma allowed the bitter breeze and cold flakes hit her face, reminding her she was in New York, not back on the floor of her Los Angeles home. Taking another sip of her hot chocolate, she let out a deep breath, watching it disappear into the wind, and lost herself in the memories.

"Hello?"

Emma heard someone break down their front door. Terror was replaced by relief, as they identified themselves as officers. Again, she tried to cry out.

"Help us…"

She thought she yelled, but it apparently came out softly. Luckily it was enough.

"I hear something. In here!"

Before she knew it, her mother's body had been rolled off of her. One officer began working on helping Suzanne, while the other knelt by Emma and checked her for injuries.

"Are you hurt?"

Emma's entire body started shaking. "No," she squeaked. "My mom…"

Ice cold tears streaked Emma's face as she looked towards the sky, blinking rapidly against the heavy, wet snow. She let out a cry before tossing her hot chocolate as hard as she could over the railing and covering her face with her gloved hands. Emma wanted to sob, she wanted to scream, but all that came out of her was that one cry before she felt her emotions freeze up again.

Unsure of the time, she fumbled for her phone which was in her pocket. Pulling her right glove off with her teeth, she went to try and unlock it but noticed it was off.

"Fucking cold," she muttered.

Finally cognizant of her surroundings, she nervously looked around at the darkened area. Knowing she didn't want to face her father yet, she began a slow walk back out of the park, debating her next move.


"Anything?" Olivia rushed up to Ed once he returned, but noticed he was alone.

"She's been to the coffee shop," he reported. "But that was a while ago. I wandered to a few other places she likes, but between the weather and size of this city, I wasn't gonna find her."

"Dammit," Olivia whispered, biting her lip. "Ed, do you think she went to the airport?"

Collapsing onto one of the dining room chairs and resting his face in his hands, Ed let out a sigh. "I thought about that possibility. But I don't think so. I know she's upset, but I just cannot see her getting a plane and not telling me."

"I can't see it either," Olivia said, moving to sit on Ed's lap. She cupped his face and nuzzled his nose, shrieking a bit at how cold it was. "But I figured I would ask."

Ed pulled Olivia close. "Am I hurtin' ya?" He asked, still aware that she was sore.

"No," she whispered, kissing his lips softly. "Despite what my eye looks like, I am feeling much better."

The couple stayed like that, staring into each other's eyes and gaining strength from each other, until Noah dumped out a container of blocks, startling them out of their moment.

"Ed!" Noah screeched from the floor. "Ed, pay!"

Olivia laughed and kissed Ed one more time before standing and pulling him up. "Pay, Ed, pay," she said, mimicking Noah's voice with a smile.

Ed kissed her one last time. "I just wish she would check in…"

Olivia gave him a small smile. "We'll find her," she said. "I'll put some coffee on. Go hang out with Noah and we can debate our next move."

After another hour, Ed was done waiting and so was Olivia. While Ed was more frustrated, Olivia was just plain worried. They had called everyone they could think of who may have seen or heard from her. The list of places she would go in the city felt short and Ed had exhausted the his ideas. Ed had also spoken at length with Nate, who hadn't heard from Emma at all and seemed surprised at her outburst. He knew it wasn't the time to call him on it, nevertheless Ed was a little bothered at just how distant Nate seemed on the phone given they couldn't find his sister. He had scratched his head and finally decided to let him go.

"Will you let me know if she reaches out to you? Thanks, son. Love you. Bye."

Tossing his phone on the couch, Ed groaned. "I don't even know anymore," he finally said. "Should we have Fin trace her phone?"

Olivia bit her lip and gave Ed a worried smile. "I just called him," she explained. "Apparently Dodds already ran it. Put her somewhere near DeWitt-Clinton. He's on his way to check now."

Ed checked his watch. "It's after nine," he exclaimed. "What the hell is she doing in the park?"

Shaking her head, Olivia pulled her phone out and once again tried to dial Emma, but it went straight to voicemail. "If her battery died, they won't be able to track it…"

"I'm going back out," Ed said, pocketing his phone and bundling back up. "I can't just sit here…"

"Ed…"

"I'll check in, I promise," he said, kissing Olivia's lips. "Call me if you hear anything."

"Of course," Olivia said. "I'm going to call Amanda's mother again, just in case."

Leaning over, Ed kissed Olivia one more time and frowned at her cheekbone. "I'm sorry, baby," he said softly. "This is…the last thing you need."

Olivia shook her head. "Don't do that," she said firmly. "Its the last thing any of us need, but this isn't about me."

Ed closed his eyes briefly, thinking back to his misstep with Emma. "I didn't mean it the way it sounded, ya know, earlier," he said, his voice strained. "I was trying to explain that my not wanting her to go to LA had nothing to do with her…but it came out wrong and…fuck, Liv."

Seeing Ed's distress was heartbreaking and Olivia pulled him to her, kissing his ear through his beanie and holding him tight.

"This isn't your fault," she whispered.

"Maybe not," Ed said, but his voice was semi-muffled as he had buried his face in Olivia's neck. "But I pushed her too far. Or didn't push enough sooner. I just…"

"Ed Tucker, look at me." Olivia pulled back and held his face in her hands, forcing him to meet her eyes. "This situation is…unbearable. It just is. It was unbearable before what happened in that townhouse, but now it's just…there aren't words."

A rogue tear rolled down Ed's cheek, and Olivia softly wiped it away, wanting so badly to help him feel better, but knowing that wouldn't happen until they found Emma safe and sound.

"We're doing the best we can," she finally whispered. "And once we find her, and we will find her, then we keep doing the best we can."

Ed once again crushed Olivia into his chest and kissed her head repeatedly. "I'm so grateful for you. I…I can't do this without you."

"You don't have to," she said softly, before adding a line that hit Ed to his core. "And you never will."

Knowing it wasn't the time to address her comment, Ed squeezed Olivia as tight as he could in response, before reluctantly releasing her and pulling on his boots. He squeezed her hand as he reached for the door. "I'll be back," he said. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Olivia said, closing the door behind Ed and resting her forehead against the wood. She stayed there for a few minutes, gathering her thoughts, before moving to pluck Noah from the chair. "Okay, sweet boy," she whispered. "We're gonna stay at Ed's tonight. Let's get you to bed."


Nate was sitting on the couch, turning his phone around in his hand, when Bailey came out from the bedroom.

"Who was that?" She asked, drying her hair with a towel and sitting next to him, tucking a leg up under her body.

"My dad," he said softly. "Apparently Emma sorta blew up…and he can't find her."

Bailey sat up, her eyes wide. "They can't find her? What the hell?"

Nate just shrugged and Bailey looked at him, astonished.

"What is wrong with you, Nate? Your sister is missing," she stressed, reaching out and shaking him lightly by the shoulders. "I get you wanting to distance yourself, but snap the fuck out of it. She's your sister. Aren't you worried?"

"Of course I'm worried," he hissed. "I've been worried since fucking July!"

"Well you sure don't act like it," Bailey retorted.

Nate stood up and paced. "Well, what would you like me to do, huh? There's nothing I can do to fix any of this," he exclaimed, his voice getting louder the more he spoke. "I wasn't able to help her back then and I can't help her now, can I?"

Sitting quietly, and letting him vent, Bailey's eyes followed her boyfriend. "None of this is your fault."

"Is it?" Nate ran his hands through his hair. "My mother was murdered while jumping on top of my sister while the two of us were fucking in my car," he spat, looking down at the floor. "I wasn't able to do anything then, and I can't do anything now. I'm pretty useless."

"Nate…"

"Just, stop," he finally said, rubbing his face and throwing himself down on the couch. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Nothing to be sorry about," Bailey shrugged. "Just tell me how I can help."

Nate let out a frustrated sigh. "Let's just…watch this stupid movie." He took the remote, hit play, and sunk further into the couch, pretending to pay attention to the action on the screen.


Ed jogged up the sidewalk and met Mike Dodds where he was coming out from the playground area.

"Anything?" Ed asked, frantically looking around and hopeful Mike had some news.

"No," he said quietly, putting a hand on Ed's shoulder. "No sign of her. I combed the area, checking to make sure she didn't drop anything…or…well, for any other sign…"

Ed shuddered as he thought about some of the things Dodds was likely looking for, but decided it was a positive thing that there wasn't anything left behind.

"I've put the unofficial word out," he finally said. "To some friends who work in the area…NYPD is on the lookout, Captain Tucker."

"Thanks," he muttered, looking around as if somehow Emma would just appear.

"Can you think of anywhere else she might have gone?"

Ed's head snapped back towards the Sergeant. "You think I haven't already gone over this? I'm a cop, too, Dodds." The venom in Ed's voice was stark and Mike backed off, hands in the air.

"Okay," he said quietly. "Just…tryin' to help."

Ed shook his head. "Sorry," he finally said quietly. "I'm sorry. I'm just…worried."

Mike nodded and looked towards the exit. "Come on," he said. "My cruiser is on the corner. Let's warm up and regroup."


Olivia was frantically pacing, clutching her phone as she waited for Ed's return. Her eyes kept going to the clock on the brick wall, and once it passed midnight her entire gut was churning. Ed had been checking in regularly as he had joined Mike Dodds in an unofficial search for Emma, but they kept coming up empty. It was to the point where Mike was ready to make it an official investigation, given the weather, and Ed was inclined to agree.

Hearing the door open, Olivia dropped her phone on the couch and darted over to Ed.

"Oh my gosh, Ed," she gushed, helping him brush the snow off and taking some of his wet gear. "You're freezing."

"Yeah, it's a little chilly out," a voice from behind Ed said. Olivia looked up and saw that Dodds had accompanied Ed back home. Once they had shed their outer layers, the trio went into the living room and convened around the coffee table. Ed was sitting flush against Olivia, gripping her hand, as Mike ran through the options.

"Do you think we should alert the airports?"

Olivia felt nauseated at the thought and could feel Ed tense up even more.

"God, Mike," he said. "She just went out for air. I just…are we really there?"

Olivia bit her lip. "Ed," she said slowly, trying to get him to look at her. "We…we might be."

"Goddammit," Ed whispered, his breathing picking up before he finally yelled "Where the fuck is my kid?" He stood up and moved over to the fireplace, using the poker to move the wood around, before dropping it and leaning over the mantel. "This just…she wouldn't do this to us. She just wouldn't. I know she's upset, but…what am I missing here?"

Suddenly Olivia shot up, her eyes wide.

"What is it, Liv?" Dodds asked, getting his phone out, ready to report whatever idea she had.

"Has anyone checked my apartment?" Olivia was already moving and looking for her keys. "Emma has a key. How did I not think of this? Maybe she's there?"

"Liv…"

"I can go over there right now…"

"Olivia, I called your building. The doorman hasn't seen her. He knows to call," Ed said softly, but Olivia was not deterred. "And if she's there…why isn't she responding to us?"

"He could've missed her," she reasoned. "Just…just let me go check. And if she's not there, then…well, we can file the report."

Ed's eyes were full of pain and worry, but a glimmer of hope as he met Olivia's. She had the best instincts he knew, and he trusted her this this.

"Okay," he said. "Let me come with you."

"No," Olivia said, shaking her head and beginning to bundle up. "You stay here. In case she comes back." Patting her pockets, she darted over to kiss Ed before heading to the door. "I'll call as soon as I'm there."

Olivia ran out of the apartment and seeing the wait time for an Uber, decided to just jog the entire fifteen blocks to her building. She no longer felt the soreness or the cold. Her only focus was getting to her building, as she was convinced that's where she would find Emma. As soon as she arrived in the lobby, her doorman greeted her.

"Lieutenant," he said softly. "I haven't seen her."

"Did you knock on my door?" Olivia breathlessly asked, rushing to the elevator and barely hearing his response.

"I did," he said. "No answer."

"Maybe she didn't hear you," she murmured, jumping into the elevator and hitting the button for her floor over and over, willing the car to move faster.

The doors finally opened to her floor and she struggled with her keys, as the adrenaline was causing her body to shake.

"Dammit," she whispered, before finally getting it unlocked. "Emma?"

Olivia cut the lights on and quickly moved through her apartment, checking all the rooms including closets.

"Emma? Emma, come on. Please be here…"

Olivia turned around in the living room and ran her fingers through her hair, eyes wide as she kept replaying the earlier scene when she pulled Ed back, allowing Emma to leave. The guilt, along with the reality of the situation, began to sink in and Olivia couldn't help but blink back tears.

"Fuck."