Chapter 38
Ed tossed and turned, unable to sleep. It was after three before he and Olivia even got into bed, but sleep eluded him. He finally laid still on his back, afraid of waking Olivia from a desperately needed slumber, and stared at the ceiling fan that spun slowly above them. Emma hadn't been very talkative once she had returned from her shower. Ed could tell that she was struggling for words and he eventually made the executive decision that their family had dealt with enough for the moment and they turned in for the night. He and Olivia had talked quietly once under the covers, but eventually she drifted off to sleep curled against his chest. Ed remained still, holding her close, until she rolled over. That was when he began his restless tossing and turning.
Rubbing his hand over his face, Ed tried to clear his mind and come up with attainable steps they could take. First and foremost on his mind was figuring out where Emma had been and if she was truly okay. Having already made the decision to not send Emma to school the next day, Ed was hopeful that in the morning he, or Olivia, could get some more information. But not far down the list of things on his mind was how to move forward and what he could do differently. Her comments about both him and Olivia purposefully putting themselves in positions that were not only dangerous, but dangerous by gun, were bothering him. It had never crossed his mind that one of Emma's responses to what happened with her mother would be pure terror at his job. Would he need to retire? Transfer units? Was this why Emma took so long to warm up to Olivia? Could this set them back? Delay the move Ed, and presumably Olivia, were ready to make?
Suddenly the thoughts were too overwhelming. Ed checked his watch and seeing it was almost five, decided to just get up. He rolled over, kissed Olivia's cheek, and slipped out of bed and into the bathroom. Waiting for the shower to heat up, Ed brushed his teeth and hunched over the counter, allowing his head to drop. He must have stayed in that position longer than he realized because when he finally looked up, the mirror was fogged up. Letting out a chuckle, Ed dropped his boxers and stepped into the steamy shower, a deep sigh leaving his body as soon as the hot water hit his back. He allowed himself to stand under the spray, forcing his muscles to relax, before turning around and reaching for the shampoo.
"Want some help with that?"
Ed jumped slightly and smirked, turning around slowly and letting his eyes rake over Olivia Benson's naked body that had just joined him in the shower.
"From you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "I always want your help."
Olivia smiled and reached behind him to grab the bottle. "Well that's settled," she said, pouring a dollop into her hand and beginning to massage it into Ed's scalp. His eye's fluttered closed and he let out a groan as Olivia firmly rubbing her fingers on his head, taking special care to try and relieve tension as the shampoo cleansed his hair.
"God," he said, his voice low. "That feels good."
Olivia didn't let up and kept massaging, but added her lips to the equation. She moved her mouth from his shoulder, across his chest, nibbled at his throat, and moved out towards the other shoulder.
"Relax," she whispered. "Just relax."
"Baby," he groaned, reaching down and pulling her hips flush against him. "Ahhhh." Olivia's mouth had made it to his pecs and she playfully nipped at him before pushing him under the spray and rinsing his hair. Ed resisted the urge to push her against the shower wall and have his way with her. Instead he took a deep breath and enjoyed the feel of her lips traversing his body and her hands lightly tickling his sides, before gripping his ass and pulling him close.
"Are you relaxing yet?" Her voice was low, sultry, and unbelievably sexy as she asked him that question.
"Not quite," he managed to get out, having be rendered almost speechless.
"Well, what will get you there?" Olivia's mouth made a smacking noise as she pulled away from where she was biting at his chest. Water dripped down her face and eyelashes as she looked up at him, expression full of desire.
"You know the answer to that, Lieutenant," Ed said, one had snaking up her body to her breast and the other hand keeping her lower half against his. "I want you…"
Olivia backed him against the shower wall and pressed their lips together, cupping his face and holding it in place as they devoured each other. Ed quickly moved his hand between her legs, flicking lightly and making sure she was ready before he lifted her thigh up and entered her a little quicker than he usually did.
"Ah," Olivia moaned, throwing her head back and biting her lip. "Yes."
They remained like this for a few minutes before Ed needed to find better footing in order to make love to her like he wanted. Olivia quickly found her back against the adjacent shower wall, Ed cradling both of her thighs as he moved in and out of her furiously. Olivia let out a half moan-half grunt with each thrust. Ed kept his face buried in her neck, panting and letting out his own soft cries.
"Don't stop," Olivia gasped. "Oh god, don't stop."
"Never," Ed grunted, moving faster and harder. They both let out near simultaneous carnal grunts as they finished together. Ed kept Olivia pinned against the wall of the shower, his forehead pressed against her temple as they tried to catch their breath. "Come on," he finally whispered, pulling her back directly under the spray. "My turn to wash your hair…"
Fifteen minutes later, Ed and Olivia were playfully bumping into each other in front of Ed's mirror. Olivia clipped her wet hair back and pulled on leggings, a bra, and a tank and chuckled at Ed's frown.
"Sorry babe," she said sassily. "Can't walk around naked with the kids…"
Ed just grunted and looked in the mirror. "Damn, I forgot to shave," he murmured. "Someone distracted me…"
"Won't do it again, Captain," Olivia responded, resting her chin on his shoulder and watching their faces in the mirror. Ed reached behind him and traced her cheek.
"This looks better," he said. "And distract me anytime…"
Olivia patted his sides and headed towards the door. "I'm gonna peek at Noah and start the coffee."
Ed watched his girlfriend pad out of the bathroom and only turned back to the mirror once his bedroom door clicked shut. He admired himself in the mirror, taking stock of his tired eyes but also the tone of his body. He wasn't sure why Olivia Benson was with him, but as he reached for the shaving cream and slathered it on his neck and face, Ed decided he was grateful for whatever her reasoning was and he was determined to keep her.
Olivia peeked in on Noah, careful as she opened the door, and she smiled softly at the sight. Noah was curled up on his side, blanket tucked under his chin so that all Olivia could see was his face and the face of his teddy bear. His brown hair was sticking up and Olivia wondered if he would need a haircut soon. She softly closed the door and checked the time, deciding he would likely sleep for at least another hour. Making quick work in the kitchen, Olivia had coffee brewing and the orange rolls Ed kept in stock heating up in the oven when she heard footsteps coming down the hall.
"Morning, Olivia," Emma said softly, yawning as she finished wrapping her hair in a bun on top of her head. "You're up early…"
Chuckling, Olivia padded over and gave Emma a side hug. "Could say the same thing about you."
"Couldn't sleep," she said honestly, moving to sit on a bar stool at the counter.
"Noah's probably the only one who slept well last night," Olivia mumbled. "Coffee?"
"Sure."
Olivia poured two mugs of the freshly brewed coffee and added almond milk to each one.
Emma laughed. "Dad rolled his eyes when I first asked for almond milk," she said. "He'll love that I've converted you too."
Smiling warmly, Olivia made her way out of the kitchen and sat next to Emma at the counter. They sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping coffees and trying to wake up, before Emma put her mug down and vigorously rubbed her face.
"When do you have to go back to work?"
Olivia also set her mug down and turned so she was facing Emma. Much like Ed, Olivia had not forgotten Emma's comments from the day before and while they would eventually need to talk about it, for the moment she chose to tread carefully.
"I still have some mandatory counseling sessions left," she explained. "Then hopefully they'll clear me to return."
"How do they decide if you go back or have to do more?" Emma's eyes were wide. She seemed genuinely curious about how the process worked.
"Well," Olivia said, twisting her lips as she thought. "I don't know for sure. They want to make sure we are thinking clearly. That we've processed whatever event has us in their office, and…well, I'm sure they have some way of knowing that we won't go off the rails."
"So when do you think you'll have to go back?"
Taking a deep breath, Olivia reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind Emma's ear, but she flinched and Olivia immediately retracted her hand.
Shaking it off a bit, Olivia just answered the question. "I can probably go back on desk duty in a few days," she said softly. "Hopefully back in the field maybe a week after that."
Emma nodded and took another sip of her coffee. "Doesn't seem like a long time."
"It's not," Olivia allowed. "But, I've been through worse and I really do feel okay. So I'm hopeful."
Olivia immediately regretted her "I've been through worse" phrase as Emma squirmed in her seat. It was several minutes before Emma began to reply, but right as she said Olivia's name they were interrupted by the sound of footsteps scampering down the hallway.
"Mommy?"
Olivia stood up and smiled as Noah came down the hallway, around the corner, and straight into his mother's arms.
"Good morning, sweet boy," she said, kissing his head and holding him tightly against her. "Did you sleep good?"
"Uh huh," he said, burying his face in her chest. "I seep at Ed's."
"You sure did. You like sleeping in that big bed, don't you?"
"Big bed! Nate big bed!" He exclaimed, straightening up in his mother's arms, which meant he caught sight of Emma. "Hi, Em-ma!"
"Morning, Noah," she said softly. "You are very chipper."
Noah giggled, though it wasn't likely he understood what was said, and squirmed to get down.
"Want some milk?"
"Yep," he said, trotting over to the couch and climbing up, remote in hand. "Toons, Em-ma!"
Smiling, Emma trudged over to the couch with her mug and plopped next to Noah, taking the remote and flipping the television on. "You got it, little man," she said. "Mickey?"
Noah nodded and curled into Emma's side. He graciously accepted the milk from Olivia but didn't budge. She smiled down at the pair before going to top up her coffee mug and sit in the oversized arm chair, content to watch Noah and Emma as the sun finally rose over the city.
Ed cleared the last of the breakfast plates while Olivia wiped Noah's face clean of the orange flavored icing.
"You liked those rolls, huh sweet Noah?"
Noah just smiled and tried to move his face away from the wipe, but was unsuccessful. Eventually he was freed and went straight to his toy basket. Olivia grabbed the tray of leftover orange rolls and brought them into the kitchen, searching for a container to store them in. She accidentally bumped into Ed and giggled.
"Sorry," she said, not sounding sorry at all.
Ed turned around and smirked. "Did you just giggle?"
"I believe I did." Olivia's eyes danced as she looked up at Ed. "Problem?"
Ed cupped her face and kissed her softly and quickly. "Just the opposite," he said. "I wanna hear more of Benson giggling."
Olivia smiled and moved in for another, deeper kiss but caught Emma out of the corner of her eye, shifting a little in her chair and thumbing around on her phone. Instead, she patted Ed on the chest, nodded towards the dining table, and winked.
"Plans for today?"
"I have some errands to do," Olivia said, following Ed out of the kitchen with fresh mugs of coffee. They both sat on the couch and watched Noah play. "Noah's daycare has a delayed opening. I may take him midday, just so he stays in a little bit of a routine while I'm off."
Ed watched Noah hammer on a few things and smiled. "Not gonna take him sledding? Build a snowman?"
"Mmmm," Olivia said, delaying her answer. "I still worry about him getting sick. His lungs. And I think I had enough of the cold last night…"
Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, Ed kissed the side of her head. "Don't blame ya there," he rasped. "We gonna see ya later?"
Olivia pulled back and looked over at Emma, who hadn't budged. "I don't know," she said softly. "Maybe that should be a game time decision."
Ed followed her line of sight and let out a sigh. "I don't like it, but you're probably right."
"You two need to really talk. Spend some time together. Sort this out."
Ed rubbed his face and patted Olivia's knee. "I know," he allowed. "It's just…you're better at this than me. I'm so outta my comfort zone here."
"Stretch that zone, baby," she said, grasping his hand and squeezing tightly. "And…call us later?"
Ed nodded and Olivia stood up. "I'm gonna go grab our stuff. Noah? Start to clean up!"
"No," he said simply, not even looking up. "I stay here. Wiff Ed."
Olivia smiled and moved over to her son, beginning to put his toys away. "Ed has some things to do. So we are going to go home for a bit."
"No!"
"Noah," Olivia's voice was firm but still quiet. "Clean up." She stood up and walked to the back, leaving Noah to pout and slowly put his toys in the basket, piece by piece, as if to prolong the inevitable. When they were all packed, Olivia moved to where Emma was still frozen at the dining room table. "Call or text if you need anything, okay?"
Emma nodded but didn't make eye contact. Olivia sat down next to her and ducked her head, trying to catch the girl's gaze. "I mean it," she said softly. "Hang out with your dad, get some rest, but I'm available."
Still unable to look up, Emma managed a slight nod. "Thanks, Olivia," she said softly. "I'm sorry about last night."
Olivia kissed the side of her head before standing up. "No need to apologize," she said. "We'll see you later."
Ed eyed Emma before following Olivia and Noah to the door and out into the hallway to wait for the elevator. "I dunno what to do," he finally said.
"Talk to her," Olivia responded simply. "You're her father. She needs you."
"She doesn't seem to wanna talk."
"Oh, I think she does," Olivia soothed, patting his chest. The elevator door opening and she held Noah's hand while giving Ed a quick kiss. "Call me later?"
"No brainer," he said with a smirk. "I love you."
Sticking her foot in the door so the elevator didn't leave them, Olivia gave Ed one last kiss. "I love you too," she said. "It's gonna be okay."
"Thank you," he rasped, looking straight into her eyes. Noah was pulling her hand and the elevator door kept trying to close, but Ed's gaze froze Olivia momentarily. She could see the gratefulness, the relief, and also the hesitation he was feeling about everything.
"You don't have to thank me," she finally said. "I love you. This is just what we do."
Ed sighed and squeezed her hand. "Have a good day," he finally allowed. He stayed in place, watching the elevator doors close with Olivia and Noah inside before rubbing his temple and staring at his apartment door that he left cracked open.
"Okay," he said to himself. "Time for answers."
When Ed walked back in, Emma had her headphones on and was humming while rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher. He had to pause and watch the scene, because for a few moments everything seemed fine. His daughter seemed happy and healthy, and Ed felt his body relax. But he only allowed himself those few moments before steeling himself for the conversation to come. Ed walked over to the dishwasher, not wanting to startle Emma, but was there when she turned to add the last plate.
"Oh," she said, drying her hands and taking her headphones off but keeping them around her neck. "Figured you'd be a while."
Ed cocked his head to the side. Her tone wasn't biting, but it wasn't necessarily playful.
"I heard you talking about me earlier," she said pointedly. "After breakfast. Just figured it would take longer for you to let her get in the elevator, that's all."
"Let's finish the kitchen," Ed said simply. "Then we're gonna talk."
Emma swallowed and nodded, wiping down the sink while biting her lip. Ed closed the dishwasher, switched it on, and reached for fresh mugs. "More coffee? Tea?"
"No," Emma said softly. "Will you get me a glass? I just want water."
The Tuckers fixed up their drinks and got settled on the couch. Ed switched off the television, as it was still playing morning cartoons, and turned so he was facing his daughter. "Ya gonna tell me what happened last night?"
"Not wasting any time, huh," Emma mumbled, picking at her light blue lounge pants.
"I think I've been plenty patient," Ed explained. "Didn't push last night and gave you some time this morning. But it's time to talk."
Shrugging, Emma put her water glass on the coffee table and scratched her head. "I don't know if there's much to say," she finally said. "I was just…I don't even know the word. So I went for a walk. And then…the next thing I knew…"
Ed was watching her. He had been in enough interrogations, questioned enough witnesses, and handled enough complex cases over his life to read almost any person. But for some reason with his own kids, he second guessed his instincts. His gut, in that moment, was telling him that Emma was being truthful for she had no reason to lie to him. But there was a nagging feeling that had him convinced there was more to the story.
"Do you remember where all you went?"
"I went to the coffee shop," she started slowly. "Got a hot drink. Was planning to call Amanda, but she was still in school. So I sat there for a little while."
"Guy said you were there about an hour," Ed allowed.
Emma's head shot up and her eyes were wide. "You went there?"
"Of course I did," Ed said incredulously. "We were all taking turns, looking everywhere for you."
"Ugh," Emma groaned. "Fuck."
"Language," Ed warned, but she rolled her eyes and he almost laughed at himself. She was his daughter, after all. Her language would always be a bit borderline.
"I was just…I really can't describe it. Antsy? I dunno," she said, struggling to find the words. "I wanted to feel something different. My mind kept wandering. So…I just started walking."
Ed patiently sat and listened to Emma talk softly for a little while. She told him about going to the park, walking along the river, and finally ending up perched on a bench in Central Park, just watching the snow fall.
"Please tell me you didn't stay there until midnight…" Ed's stomach was churning at the thought of his seventeen year old daughter sitting alone in a park he knew all too well, mainly from investigating crimes.
"No," she said softly. "It got dark. I remember feeling nervous. The snow was…coming down harder. So I…" She paused. Ed reached out to grasp her hand, but she pulled away.
"You what?"
"I wandered around," she said, her face scrunched up. Ed could tell she was pushing herself to remember. "I was in some…pub? Bar? I don't know…but I was at a table, watching the snow pile up."
"Is that it? Then you came back to Liv's? How long where you there?"
Emma shrugged. "It was crowded. I think I talked to some people. But I felt…dizzy. I was so cold and it was crowded and dark. So I left. And just…walked."
Ed's jaw was tense and his body was rigid, but he didn't say anything. He couldn't.
"I don't…I don't remember really anything until I was at Olivia's. I don't…I don't know why I went there," she said with a self-deprecating laugh. "But…that's it I guess."
Taking a long sip of his coffee, Ed let her words sit for a little while. He placed his mug next to her water glass and scooted closer to Emma. "I know you were, still are, upset. But Emma…you scared the hell out of me. Of all of us."
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"It's okay," Ed finally said, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder. She didn't pull away this time, but her body was still tense. "But we probably need to talk about why this happened."
Emma shook her head and looked up at Ed. Her eyes were red and tired, her face was pale, and that life that usually filled her expression was no where to be found. "You know why this happened," she finally said.
Nodding, Ed acknowledged that but didn't let up. "Well, since we know why, maybe we talk about how to avoid it happening again."
Before she could stop herself Emma's words were spitting out. "I don't know how to avoid this given you walk around with a gun each day. And Olivia just walks in to hostage situations."
"Emma, that is not what happened."
"Is it? And hasn't she done this before? Willingly gone into these things?"
Ed had no rebuttal, for she wasn't wrong. "That was before," he said. "She wouldn't do that again."
"Sure, whatever," Emma scoffed. "But I'm not…I can't…do this again."
"Do what?"
Emma looked up at Ed. He knew the answer, but he needed her to say it out loud so they could begin to heal and move past it. But from the look on his daughter's face, he began to question whether it was something they could move past.
"Get…close to someone…like that," Emma said firmly. "I can't…and I won't."
Ed winced, her words not unexpected but her tone got to him. "What can I…we…do to fix that?"
"Nothing."
"Emma, Olivia isn't going away," Ed finally said. "We are both cops. And neither of us are going anywhere."
Emma's body froze and she stood up, glaring down at Ed. "Mom said something pretty similar to me about Chris…right before we walked inside and he shot her," she spat. "So you'll have to excuse me for not following along this time." She grabbed her phone and headphones off the coffee table and went back to her room, slamming the door behind her. Ed remained on the couch, staring down at the place in which his daughter had been sitting, trying to wrap his mind around the entirety of the situation. He checked the time and stood up, trying to locate his phone. Finally finding it, he smiled at his lock screen for a few minutes before typing in his passcode and pulling up Olivia's latest text. It was a selfie of her and Noah curled up in her bed with "nap time" as the text. He smiled and took a deep breath before sending a heart emoji followed by his own message.
I think we have our work cut out for us.
