Chapter 40

Olivia groaned as she rolled over and blindly reached for her phone.

"Benson," she spat, rubbing her eyes and letting out a deep sigh as she noticed the time on the bedside clock. It appeared as if her planned Valentine's morning with Noah was about to be rescheduled. "Okay. Yeah. Sure." Groaning, Olivia tossed the phone down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She knew she needed to call Lucy, but for some reason she couldn't make herself move just yet. She thought about the heart shaped pancake mold she had gotten and how she searched far and wide for decent strawberries even though they were out of season. Her and Noah were often rushed in the morning and she had arranged her work schedule in a way that gave her the best odds to enjoy a nice, slow Valentine's breakfast.

But it didn't work.

Swallowing her emotions, she quickly phoned Lucy, stood up, and stumbled into the bathroom to start the shower. Running the unit meant that the early morning phone calls were few and far between, but when they came through it meant they were of the utmost importance. She let the hot water rush over her body and sink into her bones, waking her up and relaxing her slightly. She quickly dried her hair and got dressed before deciding to put together a quick display for her son when he woke up. The kitchen and living area was dark, as there was no sign of a sunrise given it was barely 4:00am, so Olivia switched the lights on and grabbed the teddy bear and balloon she stashed in the front closet. She placed them in the middle of the coffee table, scribbled a message in the card despite Noah not being able to read it, and wrote out an IOU for a heart-sharped pancake breakfast with her three year old.

Half an hour later, she had snuck a kiss while Noah snoozed peacefully, profusely thanked Lucy and rushed out of the door, knowing she was already later than she had told Fin she would arrive.

"They'll live," she told herself, hopping in the cruiser and turning the key. "Doing the best I can."


"Shit," Ed muttered as he fumbled around with Olivia's oven. He fiddled with the temperature control, peeked in again at the foil wrapped packages, and let out a breath. "Easy my ass," he grumbled, tossing the oven mitt onto the counter and cracking open a beer. His plan to wait for Olivia to have a drink had been shot the moment he realized how complicated the all-in-one steak dinner recipe was going to be. Letting out a deep exhale, Ed took a look around the apartment. Three tall candles were placed in the middle of Olivia's small dining room table, waiting to be lit. A bottle of her favorite red wine was standing next to a bucket of ice that held a recommended prosecco. Several bouquets of flowers were in vases throughout the living and dining room area, and Ed had gone slightly overboard by sprinkling her bed with pink and red rose petals. "Now I just need to not fuck up the food," he thought to himself, finishing off his small pour of bourbon and once again checking the oven.

Noticing the time, Ed darted to the back for a quick shower. He splashed her favorite cologne on his skin, unbuttoned the top couple of buttons on his form-fitting polo shirt, and smiled at himself in the mirror. "Not bad, Tucker," he said, smirking as he began to picture Olivia's face. She had been told he would pick her up for dinner reservations, and Ed was giddy at the opportunity to surprise and pamper her. Just as he was about to get lost in thought again, he heard the lock jiggle. Running out of her room and into the dining room, Ed was posed right by the table just in time to see Olivia, weary from a long day at work, walk in, drop her bag, and freeze at the sight in front of her.

"Ed," she gasped, slack-jawed as she looked around her apartment. "I…"

Ed smiled and moved towards her, taking off her jacket and kissing her cheek. "Happy Valentine's Day, baby," he whispered. Quickly tossing her coat on the rack, Ed turned back around to greet her more intimately. Olivia's fingers grasped his unbuttoned collar tightly as their lips met, slowly at first, but turning more urgent and desperate. They finally parted with a smack and Olivia rubbed her now puffy lips as she once again eyed the space.

"This is…when did you…how did you…"

"Surprised?" Ed was amused at how Olivia was at a loss for words. Congratulating himself for a job well done, he finally lead her fully into the apartment and offered her a drink. "Wine? We can save the prosecco for later."

Olivia's cheeks blushed quickly at his tone. Still taking in the sight, she smiled and patted Ed's face. "Wine sounds good," she said softly before taking stock of her own appearance.

"You look beautiful," Ed said, accurately intercepting her next statement. "But if ya wanna freshen up, I'll get this poured?"

"Sounds perfect." Olivia kissed Ed once more before making her way back to the bedroom. She had shed her clothes and was standing in front of her closet in panties and a tank top, when Ed came up behind her with her drink. Setting the glass down on a shelf, he slid one hand around her waist, stroking her ribcage and and used the other hand to move her hair to the side and kiss softly at her neck. "Mmmmm," Olivia sighed, allowing herself to fully sink back into his chest. "That feels good…"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Olivia whispered, reaching back and stroking Ed's cheek. "How long until dinner is done?"

"I need to check…I'm not quite sure."

Olivia turned around, wrapped her arms around Ed's neck, and kissed him deeply. As she slowly untucked his shirt, Ed let out a groan and rasped in her ear. "To hell with dinner…I want you."

Half an hour later, Olivia padded out into the kitchen after showering off. She tightened the belt of her silk, crimson robe and smiled softly at Ed standing over the stove in his boxers and a plain white tee, before catching an unpleasant whiff.

"Ed, what is that?"

"Well," he said reluctantly, his eyes going back and forth from Olivia's scrunched up face and his attempt at cooking. "It is…or was…dinner."

"It smells…um…" she stammered over her words, not wanting to hurt his feelings. She made her way into the kitchen and poked at the foil packets. "Well, honey…"

"Yeah, I fucked up."

"No you didn't." Olivia looked up at Ed and grinned, standing on her tip-toes and brushing her lips against his ear. "You fucked me…"

Ed nearly spit out his drink and let out a laugh, his neck turning a light red shade at Olivia's words. She patted his chest and gave him a sympathetic peck on the lips, handing him the box with take-out menus. "How about we stick to what we know?"

Ed smirked, dropped the box onto the counter, and pulled Olivia into his chest. "What we know, huh? So…sex and delivery?"

"Yeah," she sighed out as Ed's hands caressed her sides.

"I also know that I love you," he said, his face suddenly taking on a serious look.

"I know that I love you, too, Ed," she responded softly. "How about you order us a few pasta dishes and I'll light those candles?"

Eventually the couple finally sat down to dinner, sharing bites of eggplant parmesan and penne alla vodka with each other, sipping wine, and sneaking a few kisses.

"Not quite the perfect dinner I had in mind for ya," Ed said regretfully, but Olivia shook her head.

"Anything with you is perfect," she whispered, leaning over and pressing her lips more firmly to his. "Emma think more about college?"

"Nah," Ed said, chewing and swallowing, reaching for the wine. "It overwhelms her. Counselor mentioned we could ask about a gap year, or maybe just a flat delayed entry. At least from VYU and Boston."

"Could be good," Olivia reasoned. "Maybe she needs the time?"

"Or maybe she needs normalcy," Ed argued. "To just keep going."

"Well, hopefully she will let us in on what she needs…"

Ed let out a sigh and kissed Olivia's hand, staring into her eyes. "I sure hope so," he said. "Glad she's got some support."

The conversation fell silent as they continued to eat, however, Ed noticed Olivia's expression darken just a bit.

"What is it?"

Ducking her head, she smiled sheepishly. "Oh, it's nothing," she said. "Just…tired. Long day."

Ed grasped her hand tightly in his, not buying her explanation. "Liv?"

Finally looking up at him, Ed could see Olivia's tears glistening in the candlelight and his heart constricted. "What is it? Talk to me?"

"I'm just tired," she finally said, allowing a lone tear to escape down her cheek. Ed caught it with his thumb. "I got called in at four this morning, listened to the gut-wrenching cries of a mother who lost her child, hit dead-end after dead-end, and" she took a deep breath and tried to will her tears down.

"What else, Liv?"

"I didn't get to see Noah at all," she finally said softly. "And, I know that happens. It's not like it's the first time. But today…I dunno, for some reason today stung more than usual."

"Baby…"

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, trying to steady her voice but failing. Her exhaustion was evident. "This is so nice and perfect and I'm ruining it."

"You're not," Ed said firmly. "Olivia, look at me." He waited until she took a deep breath and her eyes met his. "How about we finish up here. Take our time. Get dressed. And take dessert to the kids?"

Ed sighed in relief as Olivia's smile returned to her face.

"I change my mind on what I said earlier," she spoke, her eyes never leaving Ed's. "Tonight may not be perfect…but you are. You are perfect, Ed."

"Even when I fuck up dinner?"

Olivia let out a laugh, finally breaking the intensity of the moment. "Even then," she said, shaking her head and looking at him lovingly. "Especially then."


"Well, Noah," Emma said as she put her phone down, finally deciding on what to order for dinner. "Looks like it's just you and me."

"You an' me?" Noah said, his face lighting up.

"Yep. You can be my Valentine's date," she mumbled, plopping on the floor and grabbing his basket of trains. "Whatcha wanna play?"

"No tains," he said matter-of-factly. He ran over to his bag he had dropped haphazardly by the door upon arrival, and drug it over to where Emma was sitting on the floor next to the fireplace. Rummaging around, Emma watched him with a puzzled look on her face. "Here, Em-ma," Noah said, a smile on his face as he handed Emma a medium sized stuffed bunny and a purple envelope.

"Noah," she said softly, surprised at the gesture. "Is this for me?"

"Uh, huh!" Noah was so excited he bounced on his knees and almost tumbled over. "It Val'tine Day! And dis your Val'tine!"

Noah was so carefree and happy, Emma refused to let him see just how much the small gesture effected her and swallowed down tears. She cuddled the bunny and sniffed a bit, realizing it smelled like lavender. Reading the tag, she noticed it was an anxiety animal. Olivia must have helped him, she thought to herself, which made the gift that much more meaningful. Opening the card, she saw Noah scribble all over and what looked like his name, written with adult guidance.

"Noah I love this," she gushed, grabbing him and squeezing him tight, eliciting shrieks and giggles. "You're the best."

Noah settled down and stroked the stuffed bunny. "Lub you, Em-ma," he said softly.

"Love you too, little man," Emma whispered, kissing his head. "Love you too."


"How did dinner turn out?" Emma asked, as she stood shoulder to shoulder with her father in the dining room, both gazing off into the distance for different reasons.

"Terrible," he said matter-of-factly.

Emma didn't budge. "Nice job," she quipped.

"I thought so, too."

"A for effort?"

"Oh, it was bad. Still smells. I'm convinced it's part of why she wanted to come back here."

Laughing, Emma playfully punched Ed's arm. "Oh dad," she said. "I love you. Come on. Grab the brownies. I'll pick a movie."

"Still don't trust me with movie selection?" Ed asked, feigning hurt feelings as he piled the heart-shaped brownies onto a plate and grabbed napkins.

"With good reason," Olivia quipped, having returned from the bathroom with a freshly bathed and pajama clad Noah. "I'm sure a bath before brownies wasn't smart, but I'm willing to bet he'll be asleep midway through the film."

"How about The Secret Life of Pets?"

Ed rolled his eyes. Olivia swatted his stomach and shoved him towards the couch. "Sounds perfect, Em," she said.

"I hate movies that get me attached to cartoon animals," Ed grumbled, plopping down at the end of the couch and pulling Olivia down right next to him.

She patted his thigh sympathetically and smiled as Emma sat on the other end of the couch and Noah crawled in the middle of all of them. "You'll survive," she said in mock comfort.

Half an hour later, Emma had moved to the oversized arm chair, legs thrown over the side as she thumbed around on her phone and half-watched the movie. Noah was curled up next to Olivia, who had stretched her feet out to the spot Emma vacated earlier and was leaning back against Ed, who massaged her scalp lightly The movie played in the background as Olivia tried to get a look at the scene without jostling a drowsy Noah. Ed noticed her movement and kissed just above her ear.

"Ya okay?"

Smiling, Olivia took a look around the room. Emma had been quiet, and despite a friendly greeting and the earlier ribbing of her father, the distance was there, particularly with Olivia. She had yet to look her in the eyes that evening. But Olivia shook it off for the time being and allowed herself to realize that they were all together. A tiny sliver of hope began to seep into her. Maybe they were slowly getting back on track, she thought.

"I'm…good," she said softly, straining her neck to kiss his lips. "I'm good."


"Olivia!" Emma said, surprised to see the older woman perched on a bench outside of the Upper West Side building. "What are you doing here?"

Standing, Olivia handed her a cup. "Got you some cocoa," she said softly. "Thought maybe I'd walk you home after your appointment."

Emma looked down and shifted. Her eyes were red and raw from how hard she had rubbed them during her therapy appointment, but she was startled that Olivia had picked that day to meet her.

"Didn't mean to throw you," she explained. "I just…well, the other night I noticed you seemed a little more…out of it than usual?"

Emma scoffed. "Than usual?"

Smiling softly, Olivia tried to duck her head and catch Emma's eyes. "I just meant you looked more distant," she said. "And I guess, well, I know those looks."

"From you job?" Emma spat, her toe digging into the sidewalk.

"Yes," Olivia admitted. "Also from my own life experience." She grabbed Emma's elbow and led her over to the bench. "I know things have been rocky. I know you're scared to get close to me…"

"Stop," Emma whispered. "Please."

"Em…"

"Look," the young girl said, interrupting Olivia and slowing the conversation down just a little bit. "I want my dad to be happy. You make him happy. He…he loves you so much. You make him better. I get that. I really do."

Olivia nodded and swallowed hard, looking down at the sidewalk for a few seconds before looking back over at Emma. "But?"

Emma let out a half laugh, half cry and shook her head. "I don't know how to do this."

Taking a chance, Olivia reached out to Emma and grasped her hand. Surprised and heartened that she squeezed back, Olivia took another chance. "Neither do I," she admitted softly. "But I know I want to try."

"I've always been a bit of a loner," Emma mumbled, taking her hand back and brushing her hair back from her face. Olivia sat quietly, eyes wide in surprise that Emma kept talking. "Even before all of this. I had a couple of friends, but never a close one. Amanda was good, but even then…"

She paused and took a sip of her drink, watching the pedestrians pass. "And then when my mom…well, I guess that sort of secured my fate."

"Emma, you aren't alone."

"Don't say that," Emma hissed. "Don't."

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispered. "I…well, I don't want you to be alone. Or feel alone. I want to help you."

"You can't help me if you're dead, too."

Emma froze, surprised the words came out. Olivia sucked in a breath.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," Emma said, her words rushing. "Oh god, Olivia, I'm sorry I didn't mean…"

"Hey," Olivia said, reaching for her hand for a second time. "Don't apologize. You…that took a lot of work for you to say that."

"Look," Emma said, pulling strength from somewhere deep. She squared her shoulders and finally made eye contact with Olivia. "I don't want to be the reason things are so hard for you and my dad. But…"

"You need time?"

"Yeah," Emma breathed out in relief. Olivia almost smiled as she watched some of the tension and weight lift from the young girl's shoulders with that small admission.

"That's okay," she whispered. "We have time."

"Okay."

The pair sat in silence for a bit, before Olivia stood up and tossed her empty coffee cup in the trash. "You finished?" Emma nodded, handed her the cup and watched as she tossed that one too. "Come on," Olivia said, encouraging her to stand up. "I need to get back to the precinct, but I wanna make sure you get home. Okay?"

Nodding, Emma shoved her hands in her pocket and walked slowly alongside of Olivia as they meandered down the street. She nudged them towards Ninth Avenue, avoiding the business of Columbus Circle, and once the pair neared Ed's building Emma stopped in her tracks. She grabbed Olivia's arm, causing her to spin around, eyes wide.

"What is it?" She asked quickly. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Emma flinched a little bit at the term of endearment, but allowed it to wash over and soften a little bit of her heart.

"Don't give up on me?"

She barely even whispered the phrase. Emma's voice was so soft that Olivia wasn't even sure she heard her accurately.

"Please," Emma said, her voice a bit louder and full of emotion. "Please don't give up on me."

Tears sprung to Olivia's eyes but she quickly pushed them down.

"Never," she replied firmly. "You never have to worry about that. And that is a promise I can absolutely keep."

Emma nodded and gave her a soft smile. "Okay," she said, nodding towards the lobby. "I'm good from here. I know you need to get back to work."

Hesitant to leave, but knowing she had to, Olivia returned Emma's smile and took a step towards her, pulling her into a soft embrace. "Thank you," Olivia said. "Thank you for talking to me."

Pulling back, Emma wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"Call me, Emma, okay? Anytime."

"Okay."

Olivia gave her one more, tighter squeeze before heading off down the block. Emma watched her go and bit her bottom lip. Eventually, tired of the cold, she made her way into the building and stepped onto a waiting elevator car. Trying to take deep breaths and ward off the panic she began to feel having allowed herself to crack open a bit more with Olivia, she incessantly pressed the button to her floor and bounced back and forth. As soon as she was inside, she bolted all the locks, started a hot shower, and stared at herself in the mirror. Her breathing continued to quicken and she felt her hands tingle. Left with no other option, Emma popped a couple of her pills and closed her eyes for a bit, willing them to work quickly. As her body slowly relaxed, she finally shed her school clothes and stepped into the steaming hot shower.

"You're okay," she told herself. But as her body relaxed, the loneliness set back in. "You're okay."


Not my best, but its been a while. Thanks for your patience. Ready for Father Eugene to make an appearance?