You couldn't bloody trust people. Junkrat had known that from the day he could talk, it was a lesson every Junker had to learn if they wanted to live more than a couple of hours. Everyone wanted something... so long as you weren't in the way, that you made sure you were worth more alive than dead, or that you were too much of a risk to hunt down... so long as you did that you could survive. But when things changed you had to be ready to adapt.
Finding Hog had been a change. Joining Overwatch too for that matter. But Junkrat's thoughts were muddled. The more tense he felt the harder it was to remember everything he'd told himself over the last few weeks, every decision, every promise.
Mercy wanted to keep secrets, which meant she was up to something, which meant she couldn't be trusted, which meant he should... should what? He didn't even know anymore. Four years ago he would have a plan, would have known who to threaten or kill or bribe to get what he wanted... but that didn't bloody work anymore. He wasn't supposed to feel cornered. This wasn't how teams worked. He just wanted to leave. But what was it he had said to himself? This mission had to work. It had to, or he was just a scatterbrained criminal who didn't belong, trying to play a part he could never truly fit.
Everyone else seemed preoccupied with Hector's tour while Junkrat fidgeted at the base of the stairs. They showed no reluctance to walk further into the underground bunker, no fear of the unknown and certainly no wariness of Hector himself. What would it be like to feel that way? Hell, he wouldn't know, he'd be dead.
Whatever the case he knew he couldn't stay somewhere so enclosed. Every one of his instincts shrieked against the very thought, leaving him near nauseous. If Roadhog was there things would have been different. He'd have had some kind of assurance, a trust built over years, absolute confidence that he'd be dragged out of whatever danger he wandered into if it went bad... but the others were no substitute, no matter how they might try. Life surviving the outback had taught him rules, and those where what he fell back on now.
He took a deep breath. "Gonna go set some traps, right? Build up some real defenses and whatnot, ain't much use down here."
"Alright, but be careful," Mercy cautioned. "Don't wander too far and call us on the coms if you see anything."
"No worries..." He backed up the steps, casting troubled glances in both directions.
The moment he was back in the shack he searched every room. A quick scan first, making sure there were no lurking surprises, familiarizing himself with the layout, and then through again more thoroughly with an eye for detail.
He checked cupboards and drawers, rifling through every bit of clutter, tossing it aside as soon as he decided it was worthless. He pocketed a few pieces of scrap out of habit, but he was forced to admit that Hector at least didn't seem to stash any kind of weapons or tricks up here. Pity that didn't assure him. Smart bloke wouldn't leave his shit somewhere easy to find anyway.
His well trained ears caught footsteps long before anyone appeared. He paused, angling his head. They were too light to be Hector, too clipped for Hana or Lucio, which left only two possibilities. Junkrat peered out from his defensive position around the corner. He met Symmetra's gaze and slowly lowered his frag launcher.
"Ya follow me up here?" he asked, tone accusatory. He wasn't sure he'd meant it that way... but then again he might have. There was too much to deal with at the moment, it was hard to peel back the layers of frustration, unease and paranoia to work out exactly how pissed he was.
"Yes." There was nothing defensive in her voice, nor apologetic, she was simply stating fact.
He narrowed his eyes. "Why?"
"You claimed you were setting up defenses, and I have already seen what I wish to below. I thought perhaps we could coordinate defenses together, though I was expecting that you would have already begun..."
He shrugged. "Got distracted. Don't need no help though, got me own way of doing things, think your fancy tech thingos would just get in the way. Ain't ya supposed to be buddyin' up to Lucio anyhow? That's what you're here for, right?"
Her expression was contemplative, as if trying to puzzle the precise meaning of his query. She answered slowly, ponderously, and Junkrat could swear blind there was the barest whisper of concern in her tone. "I would never allow my own agenda to get in the way of a mission. If we coordinate then I can ensure that my 'tech thingos', as you so call them, in no way conflict with your own... constructions. I am trying to help."
"Look," he said, a little sharper, "I'm gonna be riggin' things outside, don't want nobody toddlin' inta that kinda mess, so do what ya like in here but don't go out unless I call, ya get me?"
She stood very still, silent for a moment. He could practically hear the gears turning in her head. "Are you upset with me?"
He threw up a hand in exasperation, the other still clutching his frag launcher. "Crikey, we're fine, yeah? Just... got shit to do."
He couldn't hide remaining tension in his posture, but Symmetra often took a while to read people properly. Maybe she knew, maybe she didn't, he was too distracted to care. Working out how he felt about a mistake that was probably half his own bloody fault anyway was something that needed to wait. Right now there was too much pressing in on him and the best he could do was shove off any real confrontation as much as possible. He needed something else to focus on, something, anything, that gave him some iota of control, made him feel in a position of relative power.
"Just stick your stuff up once I'm done," he told her, "easier for both of us."
She pursed her lips. "I see." She kept her poise as always but there was something like suspicion lurking in her gaze. "Jamison... would you... consider us friends?"
The hell was that kind of question to ask at a time like this? The term seemed uncertain on her tongue, like a word she was unused to, and he had no clue what she expected from him. He grit his teeth. "I told ya I'm busy alright? Can't ya just leave it be Sym? Yeah?"
Her eyes narrowed. "You are aware that your behavior is... exaggerated?"
"I said I'm bloody fine alright?"
Symmetra considered him briefly. "I doubt that. However, if you wish for space then I will not intrude... I will see if Hector has any preference for interior defenses for now."
She stalked away while Junkrat took a breath and sought to remind himself what he had been doing. Defenses, yes. If he built enough then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't feel quite so vulnerable. If he had enough traps and explosives to hide behind then maybe he would stop jumping at shadows and he could bury the paranoia back where it belonged...
He threw himself to the task with all he had.
Junkrat had always had a knack for rigging nasty surprises, it had kept him alive for years and some part of his mind delighted at the chance to concoct the worst sort of misfortune for anyone trying to corner him. While setting charges and burying traps he almost felt like himself... then he would make a joke, cackle to himself, expecting the weary sigh from Hog... but it would never come, and when he glanced behind him there was nothing there...
It was deeply unsettling, like the months after he'd first lost his arm. He remembered how often he'd reach for something only to realize he had no hand to pick it up with anymore... didn't matter what he'd learned, it was so instinctual he'd forget again and again, cursing himself for his own fucking stupidity. Each time he recalled the realization hit him with a sickening drop in his stomach, a sudden spike in his pulse.
The empty space where Hog should have been left him exposed. He had to stay grounded. Had to stay sharp, stay on top of his game until this was all done with. He wasn't weak. Refused to be an easy target. It would have been so much easier if he'd had something to prove that to, if he'd had an enemy to snarl at and shoot at, but there was nothing. Just the promise of danger and no one to fight to keep his place.
It only took him an hour to rig the path to the hill and the area surrounding the shack, but he wasted another two in a vain attempt to dredge some form of satisfaction from the task. No matter what he added it did not soothe him.
When he slunk back into the shack the group appeared to be on a lunch break of sorts, sharing sandwiches in the narrow space of the dinky kitchen. He hovered a small distance away, flapping a piece of paper in Symmetra's direction.
"What is that?" she asked coolly, regarding him across the line of condiments.
"Map of where not ta tread if ya wanna stay in one piece. Figured you'd like that."
She finished her sandwich in two delicate bites, excusing herself as she rose to accept his offering. Mild distaste crossed her features as she took in his careless scribbles but she nodded nonetheless. "Thank you. I shall get to work." She slipped passed him, the faint clatter of the door signaling her exit. Junkrat scanned the kitchen, carefully weighing his options.
"Oi Rat, you down for lunch?" Hana asked, waving a sandwich at him brightly. "We called you over the coms but you were just... talking to yourself I think."
"There's a free spot now," Lucio encouraged, indicating to Symmetra's vacant seat.
Junkrat eyed it for a moment before he shook his head. "Nah, I'm good."
"Ah go on, you look like you could stand to gain a few pounds," Hector said with a smile. "I know it's nothing fancy but I don't keep much around the place. Figure a meal's only fair to offer though – never let it be said I'm a poor host."
"Had some rations earlier," Junkrat lied, ignoring Mercy's dubious gaze.
"At least sit with us?"
He scrutinized the table as if it were an enemy, a threat to be evaluated. "Got plans I was gonna sketch up. Just get in the way here."
"Jamison," Mercy said softly, "please sit. We are all friends here, it's only polite."
"It's fine, let the lad do what he likes," Hector said with a shrug. "No point trying to beat manners into someone, not like it'll hurt my delicate sensibilities anyhow."
The fucker. He'd have told him exactly where he could shove his manners if it wasn't for present company.
When his gaze flickered to them Hana and Lucio were both watching him hopefully. Maybe he should join them... maybe it was what you were supposed to do... but somehow the idea of sitting in such close confines with a bloke he was convinced could not be trusted didn't appeal. He was on edge enough as it was, adding to the tension was just a recipe for disaster. He didn't trust himself. One wrong move on Hector's part and the whole shack was coming down, no question about it.
"Yeah, you civilized types do what ya like, I got proper shit what needs doin'," he muttered, limping off without so much as a wave. He kept them in his peripherals until he was out of sight, but made no attempt to study their expressions. Junkrat had precisely no time for whatever mix of disappointment, irritation or other displeasure they showed. What mattered was keeping a lid on his own bloody problems.
There wasn't much room in the shack but he selected a spot to settle, close enough that he could watch the doorway to the kitchen, with easy access to a window in case the need for a quick escape arose. His mind was too busy for sketching plans, so he distracted himself by cataloging his remaining supplies, running through them again and again as if it would help embed it in his memory. His ears strained to pick out their voices, listening to the subtle sounds that signified movement, keeping track of where they were.
When Symmetra finally returned he all but leapt up, immediately off for the door.
"I thought you had already set your defences to your satisfaction?" Symmetra said, watching the obvious speed at which he hurried.
"Gotta make sure ya ain't screwed anythin' up though, right? Bein' thorough and all that."
"I assure you, I in no way tampered with your work," she said, "I was careful to avoid it at all costs, in fact."
"Well... guess I'll just go check that for meself then," he replied, pushing past her and outside once more.
Here he didn't have to worry about the compact space of the shack or those inside. He was close to his traps, with a good view of the pathway leading up to their current position. It was a smart place to hold, he'd be prepared for anything advancing, frag launcher loaded ready to fire, and if he angled himself right be could keep half an eye on the shack too, provided he juggled his attention. He'd probably hear anything before he saw it but it was better to be sure.
It was the closest he could get to feeling secure, and even that couldn't dull his agitation. He set up several more traps in an attempt to pass the time, the only thing he could think to do.
Hana went outside at one point to run some checks on her mech, which was stationed just outside the shack. He caught her watching him, but his obvious refusal to make eye contact or acknowledge her presence seemed to dissuade her from interrupting his vigil, and she left shortly after.
As far as Junkrat could tell the team had decided leaving him his space might be for the best. They called him over the coms now and again – Symmetra was setting up a shield generator, could he check it reached him? Did he want some music? Would he like to come inside for dinner?
Junkrat's replies, when he remembered to make them, were plain, his attention elsewhere.
He stayed where he was as the sun bled out, leaving the land dark and cold in the wan glow of the moon. While the shape of the hill offered some protection a crisp breeze still stirred across the surface causing him to shiver and pull his jacket closer around him.
He could see the light spilling from windows of the shack, yellow and bright. It was probably warm in there. It was also still too unfamiliar and tightly packed and filled with Hector, and he couldn't keep an eye on everything... he didn't want to be shut in there, didn't want to feel trapped.
As much as he despised the cold he'd weathered it before.
Junkrat didn't know what time it was when a hushed rattle signaled the door of the shack opening and closing. Even in the dark it only took a glance to identify Lucio – the green glow of his skates gave him away instantly, any attempt at stealth was impossible.
He waited as the glow steadily approached, toying with excuses, ways to dodge a conversation.
Lucio glided to a stop just in front of him, the hard light skates having no trouble cutting cleanly across the ground. "Hey man," he said, the greeting somewhat awkward, a faint hint of caution in his tone. He hesitated, clearly waiting for a response, but when Junkrat said nothing he shifted, holding out a small package.
Curiosity got the better of him. "What's that, eh?"
"Dinner. Some kind of pastry I think, dunno what they called it but it tasted pretty good... Mercy said it might be nice to bring you some... We've got rations, but you know... you, uh, forget sometimes and... I just thought you could do with something proper to eat I guess..."
"Nah, I'm good."
"Dude, seriously... it's not that bad. Just try it at least?"
He was tempted to refuse, but Lucio looked so expectant he found his resolve wavering. Junkrat took the package in one hand, reluctant to drop his frag launcher. Cautiously he unfolded part of the wrapping, giving it a careful sniff. It smelt fucking amazing.
Hunger he'd all but forgotten stirred painfully. He froze for a moment, deliberating over the decision. Then he set the frag launcher aside, devouring the food in a frenzy.
Lucio said nothing while he ate, just stood there. It was only once Junkrat was licking the crumbs from his fingers that he spoke up.
"So, uh, Mercy and Hector are both still looking through data in the basement, but Symmetra set up cameras on the path up here and me and Hana... and her... we're taking turns watching the footage so the rest can catch some shut eye. I mean, there's no spare beds but there's plenty of blankets and pillows and it's not so bad. So... uh, if you want to come in, there's no need for you to be out here man, if you want to join us I mean."
Junkrat shook his head, wiping his fingers off on his shorts. "Ta but no thanks mate."
"Come on dude, you can't just stay out here all night."
Junkrat grimaced. Didn't have a choice really, did he? He knew for a fact he wasn't catching any shut eye in this situation, and he certainly wasn't going to lie down and remove his prosthetics. If he was going to stay awake he might as well be outside, where he could keep an eye on his surroundings. "Nothin' wrong with out here." He picked up his frag launcher again. "Doc's always sayin' fresh air is good an' all."
Lucio just stared at him. Exactly what emotion he was working through Junkrat wasn't sure, but after a moment Lucio shook himself and when he looked back at Junkrat again his expression was troubled. "Are you... alright?"
Junkrat shrugged. "Stumps ache a bit, that'll be the cold though, does that to ya. Ain't got nothin' for ya to patch up so to speak."
"Dude, you know what I mean."
"I said I'm fine, yeah? What more do ya want?"
"You know what? No. You're not fine," Lucio declared abruptly, tipping his chin up in fresh defiance and seeking Junkrat's flighty gaze. He took a shaky breath. "You've been acting weird ever since you got on the drop ship man, and you're trying to avoid me, I'm not stupid. Look... I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I blamed you. I should have known you'd have nothing to do with it, that you wouldn't do that to me, but I just don't think straight when it comes to Vishkar and it was just... the only explanation that seemed to fit... why Symmetra would be here... I'm just sorry, okay? And... and if it makes you feel better I'll try being nicer to her, alright? If that's what you need me to do I'll try, but please, you gotta give me something to work with here..."
"It ain't that..."
"It's not?" he asked, surprise hitching his voice. "Then what..." he trailed off, a frown settling on his features. "If it's not me then what is it?"
Still Junkrat said nothing.
Lucio sighed in exasperation. "Dude, I'm trying to help, why can't you just tell me? What are you..." A sudden thought seemed to occur to him, a dawning realization spread across his face as he finished. "...afraid of?"
But Junkrat couldn't say anything. If there was one thing his time in the outback had taught him with absolute certainty it was that you never admitted weakness. To do so was as good as asking for someone to shoot you. Despite all his anxiety he'd always known to grin, to bare his teeth, to handle his explosives with a casual exuberance that let everyone know how happy he'd be to use them if given a reason. It was how he had survived. Make yourself a threat, never a victim. He couldn't talk of the steady panic still running through his veins, the tension aching in his muscles, the way his entire body felt ready to snap at the drop of a hat.
Lucio's tone went soft, gentle, calming. "Me and Hana... we're your friends, you know that? You can trust us. Friends look out for each other. We'll always look out for you."
How that made him feel wasn't something Junkrat knew the words for. It twisted something in his chest, and he wished that was enough, enough to fix it all, to rid him of this terrible unease, but it was not.
Junkrat laughed weakly, a poor approximation of his usual gleeful cackle. "Appreciate it mate, but this here ain't so easy to reason with," he said, tapping the side of his head. "Believe me I've tried."
"Well," Lucio said eventually, "you still shouldn't sit out here by yourself all night. If you won't go inside, then maybe me and Hana can bring some blankets out or something... is that okay?"
Junkrat opened his mouth, not entirely sure what he intended to say. Whatever it was he never got the chance.
In his ear the communications channel crackled to life, Hana's voice sharp and clear with none of her usual nonsense. "Rat, Lucio, do you copy?"
Lucio was the first to recover. "Uh, yeah, we're here," he said, glancing back at the shack, "what's up?"
"It's-" but Junkrat tuned out the rest of what she said. He already knew. In the distance he heard with absolute clarity the booming echo of the first of his traps being triggered, and there were no doubts in his mind as to what that meant.
((Sorry this took so long. Very sleep deprived at the moment so I expect there are plenty of typos I can't spot, so feel free to point them out if you like and I'll tidy up. In any case I hope this wasn't too bad, at the very least things will be happening next chapter.
Also thank you to anyone who left reviews last chapter... I know I don't really respond to them, honestly I have no idea how that even works on here, but I read them all and they make me feel so happy on the rare occasion I get them, so thank you. And out of interest, what would you prefer? One really long chapter, or two shorter chapters?))
