Chapter III.
The sleeping Erik startled up at night to a baby's cry. At first, he did not even know what has happened. He just jumped up from the couch and while sitting up he banged his head at full force against the bookshelf above the couch of his study. He groaned then some cusswords left his lips.
- Who on Earth put that damned shelf here…? Oh… it was Erik, of course…- he moaned, then stood up. – May the Devil take me… - he added, then yawned. The baby continued crying.
Erik dragged himself out of his study and walked to the nursery. The little thing was crying in the cradle where he put her.
- What is it now, you little thing? – He walked closer. – Don't you know it is rude to wake people up at night…?
He lifted the child and examined it. The diaper, of course, slipped off, as he did not put it on normally, but thankfully it was still clean.
- Then what on Earth is your problem? Well, I sure know you have a reason to cry about, but Erik hardly thinks you would be able to understand it now… and Erik doesn't like if he is woken up at night, you see… he tends to be grumpy if it happens…
The baby got silent as Erik was talking to it. He slowly started to cradle it in his arms and sat down in a chair with the baby and placed it on his lap.
- Well, you don't even know my name, right…? So, my name is Erik and I am your father. You may call me Papa later if you live up to the day when you learn to talk. We will wait and see.
He was examining the child's features as the little girl lay on his lap. With a sudden idea, he took out the handkerchief of his pocket and put it on the baby's face. He nodded and removed the handkerchief. He measured the child's face with his fingers, length and width, space between the eyes, height of the eyes, and put the baby back in the cradle and left to his study.
An hour later he got back to the nursery and put Mahtab's very first mask on her face. He decided to leave the baby's mouth free until it gets older. He did not want to close all way of air from the baby, they breathe harder than adults anyway. Well, the sight wasn't too much better with the mask either, but she will have to get used to the mask, they'd better start to wear it the earliest possible.
He sat beside the baby the rest of the night. He wasn't sleepy any more. And he was a bit of worried about the little thing. When dawn came and the child opened its eyes, Erik picked her up and walked to the bedroom with her.
- Good morning, my dear Christine. – He carried the baby to the bed.
- Good morning, Erik dear. – She smiled at him.
- I brought you the child so you don't have to wake up if not necessary. You have to take care of yourself my angel. Just feed the baby and while that Erik is going to prepare breakfast for you. – He placed Mahtab in her mother's arms, then turned around to leave, but Christine's gasp made him stop.
- Erik, what have you done? – She asked with growing disbelief and pain in her voice.
- I beg your pardon? – Erik turned back with surprise.
- The mask, Erik. You put a mask on our newborn baby's head! – She could barely find her words in her surprise and disappointment.
- Oh, that? – He did not even seem like he regretted it. – Never mind it, my dear, she will get used to it.
- I don't want her to get used to it! – She removed the mask from Mahtab, and threw it at Erik.
- Wow, wow! – Erik took a step backwards. – Throwing things at me, eh?
- You should be happy I can't reach that candleholder. – Christine stated coldly.
- Now what's the matter? I only wanted the best for her. The earlier she starts to wear it the less she will fuss about it.
- I don't want a mask on my child, Erik! We are not covering her face. It is wrong on so many levels.
- Erik got his first mask at the very night of his birth. – He shrugged. – She won't get any harm of it. Maybe some scars on her face when she is growing it out, but I will make sure not to wait until that happens. She gets newer masks always.
- Erik you don't understand…
- Well, if you don't like plain white mask, we could decorate it somehow. Just I'd suggest not to put small pearls on it, she might get them off and swallow them…
- Erik, you clearly don't understand. No mask at all, I said.
- Why would you make her suffer? They will hurt her.
- No, Erik…
- They will throw STONES at her.
- Nonsense, Erik, you are ridiculous. We are not in the Middle Ages any more.
- Christine, dear naïve Christine, let Erik tell you something. Will you listen? People would throw stones at me without my mask even today. How do I know it you ask? I tried it several times, even before our wedding my dear, always believing people change. But they DON'T. They never change, Christine.
- Oh Erik… - she swallowed back some tears. – But… they would not hurt a baby….
- They will, Christine, they will. – He reassured.
- You don't know people… you are afraid of them.
- No, Christine… it is you who don't know people. Erik does. But just as you wish. Just take her out for a walk without a mask… and see what happens. But don't forget to schedule an appointment to our family doctor for Mahtab before… she is going to need it. – He turned around again and took a few steps to the door, but he turned back before leaving the room. – Erik is sorry for losing his temper… he is worried about you both…. Well, I am in the kitchen, making breakfast if you need me.
Christine looked at the baby as she was feeding her. The features looked bad of course, but who would hurt a baby just because of its looks? Yes, Erik was hurt a lot, and she felt sorry for her husband because he had to suffer so much, but she believed a mother's love can protect a child from many things. People can1t hate a baby for something she has nothing to do about… they just can't be so cruel…
When Erik returned, picked up the baby from her hands and placed the tray full of toast, jam abd butter on her lap, she softly and carefully stated:
- Erik, I have been thinking about what you have said… but I am sure we can protect her, even without mask. I don't want her to wear a mask. I don't want to treat her like your mother treated you. I love her.
- Look, Christine… my poor unhappy mother did not treat me bad. She loved me in a way. The mask wasn't a sign of her hatred towards me, as it isn't a sign of hatred from me towards Mahtab. I have to protect her. Love in itself can't protect a child from society's cruelty. A mask, more or less, can.
- I am sure it can, Erik, if we both love her very much. We can. We love her. Do you love her, Erik?
- She is my daughter. I have to love her, as a parent, it is required of me. – He replied.
- But… do you?
- I honestly don't know it yet. I don't even know her.
- Erik…
- You asked for Erik's honest opinion. This is it.
- I thought the parents love the child instantly. Without knowing it. That is what makes you a parent.
- It is usually just the mother at first, Christine. Many fathers think the same way about even their beautiful babies. They are not sure about their feelings. Erik isn't sure of his yet either.
- What do you feel for her…? – She asked nervously. – Hatred?
- No. – He shook his head. – Pity. And worry.
- Are you repulsed by her?
- A little bit, but I am going to get used to her. I am repulsed by myself as well, Christine. Still, I am. And as she looks like me, you could not really expect anything else. But as I said, I will try my best to be a good father. We will try to raise her the closest possible to a normal child.
- You said you worry about her?
- I do. – Erik nodded.
- Then… you love her. – She exclaimed happily. – If you worry about someone, you sure love them. Why would you care and worry about someone you don't like?
- Hm… - Erik scratched his head then looked down to the child in his arms.- I guess you caught me with your reasoning Christine. I did not think of it this way before, but sure there is truth in what you say. But anyway, I will give her everything she could need. Also a father's love.
- Oh Erik… I love you! – Christine smiled with tearful eyes.
- I love you too. – Erik smiled. – But please don't cry in that tea. It makes it weaker. – He laughed shortly.
- I love your sense of humor. - She added.
- It was the only thing that helped me through my life. And music, of course. – Erik sighed. – I think these are the things we need to overcome whatever problems we might face.
Christine recovered fast from childbirth. With Erik's help and caring, she regained her strength quickly, and in two weeks she was well enough to take a walk. Erik bought a pram of the newest model for the child so they could take her out with them. Christine smiled. It was the first time they left home together. Only Erik went to work in these past two weeks and he took her out to the garden for a few minutes before. Erik walked Mahtab in the pram and Christine was proudly walking next to him. Everything was so idyllic. Mahtab did not wear a mask, but Erik put a cap on her head and bundled her in a very soft and warm blanket that covered her from head to toe and one could only see her eyes. This is how they took Mahtab to walk with them always, day by day, in the Fall and winter.
- It is good like this in the winter. – Erik remarked. – We have to protect the child anyway from catching a cold. I just wonder what we will do in the summer when it is warm.
- We should not hide her face at all, Erik, I am proud of her.
- Sweet dreams, Christine… sweet, sweet dreams. – He shook his head and laughed, but not sarcastically, just let out a short laugh.
He could not believe Christine was so naïve she really expected people to accept Mahtab's look without being cruel to her. Well, Christine was beautiful, she never had to suffer the same fate as Erik. People are nice to a beautiful child.
Christmas was different that year.
They had a schedule that worked the years before Mahtab's birth, but a tiny baby made it fall like a house of cards from a wind. They did not even figure out their normal daily routine with the child, in these nearly two months. Erik, of course, was a helpful husband to Christine, and helped her with cleaning, cooking and taking care of the baby, but to be honest, he left Mahtab to her mother as much as possible. He always left the room when Christine fed their daughter, and if there was a way, he would avoid cleaning Mahtab as well. He only held her when it was necessary, and then quickly put her back either to the cradle or gave her to Christine.
He never sang for Mahtab, it was only Christine that sang her lullabies in Swedish. Erik liked to watch them from a distance, but never actively took part of the ceremony. Christine kissed Mahtab good night, Erik just walked to the cradle and said: "Good night Mahtab.", then walked away.
He was, to be honest, a bit of jealous. This little monster looked like a corpse of a normal baby, just as he did in his infancy, and as you can expect from a baby, she was always messy with drooling, and yet, Christine still could kiss her. Why his mother could not do the same? Why did she deny those kisses from him if he looked the same, and Christine can do it without a word of protest? And why can't he? He isn't a better person than his mother, he is just as shallow… he wanted to believe he was and he could love someone like him. This was the feeling that made him feel the most miserable.
Seeing the happy mother with her child just gave tiny thorns in his heart, day by day.
But on Christmas day Christine did not have time to be so much with the little girl. She was in the kitchen, baking and cooking the menu and she was cleaning. Erik wanted to help her but she told him it would be the most help if he took care of Mahtab. Erik took the child with him to the living room as he was decorating the tree. The baby was silent for awhile, but then she started crying.
- Don't cry. – Erik sighed.
At first he did not want to get too much bothered about the crying, babies always fuss about something. She just ate, so she can't be hungry. She was changed, then there are not much else she could need. He did not want to leave the tree to pick up Mahtab, so as she did not stop crying and it annoyed him, he started to sing.
Il est né le divin enfant,
Jouez hautbois, résonnez musettes !
Il est né le divin enfant,
Chantons tous son avènement !
As he sang this Christmas song, the child was silent. After he finished the song he thought Mahtab was already asleep, so he stopped it, but as Mahtab did not hear him sing she started fussing again, so Erik sang more and more songs to her to make her shut her face.
At first he thought he was singing just because he did not want her to cry, but after a time he caught himself picking her up and cradling her in his arms, singing to the child. He looked at the girl's mask less little face and he nearly caressed it when Christine entered the room.
The magical moment flew away and Erik just saw the horrid little features in front of him.
- I think she is sleepy. – Erik gave Mahtab to Christine. – Put her to sleep my love, and I take a look at dinner and get dressed for the night.
- Erik I don't know how we could attend mass this year. – Christine said worriedly after returning from the nursery. – What about Mahtab? She is too small for being there with us yet.
- She will be fine here.
- Alone? – She gasped in horror.
- Why? Nothing happens to a child if it is placed correctly.
- You… can't be serious. What if she dies….?
- She can die when we are at home as well.
- Oh, Erik, you can really lift my spirits….
- You are living in a dream world, Christine. You think all is happening as in a storybook. But life isn't a storybook, my dear.
- You could at least try to make compromise.
- You may stay with her if you want, but I don't miss the organ music at church. That is the only thing I like about religion.
- Erik!
- At least I admit it. – He shrugged.
- No, I mean… you like music more than your own child?
- Of course. – Erik replied with natural tone in his voice.
- Well… if that's what you think, I shall go to the nursery and spend Christmas with the one I love: my daughter!
She stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her. Erik suddenly felt so ashamed… he was just being honest, to tell the truth… but he should have worded his sentences more carefully. He sat down to the sofa and was thinking about his family. If he goes on like this, he is going to lose them…
But maybe if he changed how he looks at things… he should accept Mahtab as a part of his family, she can't be left out from their Christmas. Until this time, they used to celebrate Christmas in a way they both liked… - but who said it is the only way to do it? If they celebrate somehow else, it will be still a beautiful holiday.
He finished cooking dinner and set the table. He used the very expensive and beautiful set of plates he inherited from his mother and only used for holidays like Christmas, Easter or Christine's Birthday. He finished decorating the tree and served dinner. After that he picked up his violin and knocked on the nursery's door.
Christine was surprised to hear a knock on the door, she thought Erik already left to Church. It was already past eleven. She rose from the chair and curiously opened the door. She had the nicest sight in her life: Erik knelt in front of her and started playing her favorite Swedish Christmas song on the violin. She burst out in tears of joy and just stood there, listening to her husband.
- Merry Christmas, my life. – Erik stood up, smiling.
- Oh… Erik… - She could not say a single word.
She was so touched and happy he did not leave and took part of her Christmas, even though it was different than usual. Everything was so beautiful and perfect. After dinner Erik stood up and walked to Christine's chair, and took a small box out of his pocket.
- I hope you don't mind an early gift, my love, as Erik should only give it to you in the morning… but… to be honest, Erik's gift was much earlier from you.
- What are you talking about…? – Christine got surprised.
- Our child, of course. – Erik laughed. – You gave Erik the most beautiful gift in November.
She hugged him, crying. She did not think Erik loved their child so much. She was a bit afraid he did not like her at all. Upon looking into the little box, she saw a silver necklace with a half-moon medal.
- You gave me moonlight, Erik gives you the Moon itself, as he will give the Sun, the Moon and all the stars from the sky to you and Mahtab, to make you both happy. You two are my family. And Erik loves you both.
Christine got surprised when Erik just turned around after this little confession and walked away. She followed him and realized he was heading to the nursery. He stood next to the cradle, bent down to the tiny girl in it, stroked her face with his thumb and said:
-Merry Christmas, Mahtab, my dear. Papa loves you.
That was the first time Christine heard him talking to Mahtab, referring to himself as "Papa". Until this point he only called himself "Erik" to the baby as well.
Ice is finally and slowly breaking… it is the best Christmas gift… a father's love to their child.
