Chapter XIII.
The family had to get used to a whole new lifestyle.
At first both of the parents were at home. No one ran to work in the morning, Erik did not have to get up that early anymore, so he had more time to sleep in. He turned out to be happier and less stressed during the morning, and he tolerated Mahtab's morning playtime better as now he did not have to hurry anywhere. To be honest, he did not feel so relaxed at any time in his life before- their first year of marriage was so stressful for him because of his inner demons and doubts that he did not have a moment of peace morning or night, and after came the work day by day… But now he lay beside his wife in bed, relaxed and filled with pleasant thoughts.
Christine did not even dare to believe she finally had her husband with her in bed by the time she woke up at half past seven, or eight o' clock. She had been dreaming of a married life like this, waking up together in happiness and no stress, no worries… it was too good to be true.
On a beautiful morning after spending their days together for two weeks, she suddenly got in the mood for a little love they could share, so she playfully kissed Erik's forehead and lay so close beside him that her back touched his chest. Erik woke up to the feeling that Christine's golden locks were tickling the hole where his nose should have been. He turned his head away, sneezing.
- Bless you, my Erik. – Christine laughed softly.
- Thank you. – Erik murmured still half asleep and nearly drifted back to his dreams when he felt something again. Christine hugged his neck and kissed his cheek, then gave him a kiss on the lips. – Oh… what's the time? – He yawned.
- Oh, Erik, don't be so precise. – Christine sighed. – Don't think about time now, we are finally together… just the two of us…- she added naughtily.
- What do you mean…? – He lifted up his head curiously and blushed bright red of the sudden realization about what is Christine talking about.
- Did you think we will never do it again, dear? – Christine whispered into Erik's ears playfully, but he just let out a small gasp and jumped up in sitting position.
- Oh… God… Christine….! - He lifted his fist in front of his lips and was just staring at her for a few seconds before looking away in shame.
- We are married, Erik, and we have done it before… What is the matter?
- Yes… yes… b-b-b-but… but n-n-n-not now… I… I … can't… it is too… LIGHT in here. – He stuttered, nervously gesturing to the window and without any more explanation or any words at all, he jumped out of bed, quickly dragging his bathrobe and putting it on himself in hurry. He wouldn't have needed it on him as he wore nightwear, as he always did, and it was a warm day, the morning sunshine heated up the room through the window. Erik muttered something about having to check the child under his breath, then left the room as quickly as possible. Christine sighed in disappointment and lay back down on her pillow.
Yes, this was one weak spot of the marriage – lovemaking. Erik was very passionate and loving man, but he wouldn't dare to touch Christine too often. In their first year or so, Christine did not even mind it. She thought that she was going to be Erik's wife without ever being touched in a way only a husband may touch his wife – and this thought made her happy in the beginning. She could not imagine Erik doing such things to her she had heard of in some rare occasions… they sounded rather unpleasant and frightening, especially with Erik. Yet she was afraid of the thing they would most likely never commit, she couldn't know that Erik was even more afraid and uncomfortable about this issue than her. As they did not share a bedroom for a long time until this new house was built and finally furnished, it was easy to avoid.
But one night… it just happened. It was after their first wedding anniversary. They slept in the same bedroom and Erik woke up from one of his returning terrible nightmares, bathing in sweat, crying out in horror, and he let out a few gasps, clinging to Christine who also sat up worriedly. She tried to calm Erik by stroking his hair and cheeks even without her intentions. It was the first time Christine touched Erik without thinking of his appearance and when she really wanted to comfort him. She kissed his forehead, that was always a good way to calm Erik a little, and after some time passed, she comfortingly rubbed his back. Erik hugged her close to his bony chest, playing with her hair between his cold and stick-like fingers. This was the first time she did not care about Erik's coldness or bony and skeletal figure. Erik was right when he said "One can get used to everything." She did get used to Erik. And as she was stroking and kissing him… Erik got braver and braver about her as well. That was a night when both of them lost their fear and negative feelings about that special touch… at least, temporarily. And finally it just happened. Kisses turned to something more serious. It wasn't that bad as she feared it – to be honest, it was rather quick and passionate, but she had to admit that it wasn't the best one for either of them.
Erik, despite of calling himself that, and choosing it to be the title of his opera, wasn't really a Don Juan Triumphant. He did not even like if Christine, either playfully or teasingly called him that. He took it as an insult and would not talk to Christine any further that day. She had to realize that Erik used it as self-irony, not only regarding his face, but his soul and his weakness in sexuality. It was rather hard to get intimate with Erik, he needed to be in the right mood for it, to begin with, and that happened way too rarely, and even if he was in the mood, sometimes he would still deny it because of being extremely shy and ashamed of his face and body. To be honest, Christine never saw Erik completely naked. He never changed in front of her and when that rare occasion came that they did the deed, Erik's first action was to put all the lights off and closing the drapes, so Christine could only see his glowing eyes in the dark if they weren't closed, of course. She did not see him, she only felt him, every once in a blue moon.
It wasn't enough. Since she loved Erik and accepted him as he was, she would desire it more often. But the last time they made love was exactly the time when Mahtab was conceived. They celebrated a very successful night at the opera a bit more passionately, and to tell the truth Erik had a bit more wine than he got used to, maybe that is why he was so easygoing about it. As she thought back at that night and remembered how good it was, she decided that she was going to change one more thing in their marriage. No, she won't talk to Erik about it as she knew well that he would just stutter something about it and change the subject as soon as possible – but there are ways a woman can have an effect on her husband! She will try hard.
She started to brush her long blonde hair in front of the mirror dreamily, she wondered if she should try out a different hairstyle maybe, to be a bit more exotic to Erik… what hairstyle he might find more desirable…? She did not have much time to think as she heard three nervous taps on the door, then the visitor not even waiting for her reply swung the door wide open and her husband tucked his head in. He looked a bit irritated.
- You still aren't dressed properly? What the Devil is taking so long?
Erik was perfectly dressed already, and his hair was done too, he wasn't even in sleeves or in smoking-jacket as usual at home, and he wore a black jacket with gray-black striped trousers, a light gray waistcoat with white shirt and black cravat. Christine had an impression that he got dressed up so nicely because he wanted to take her out. The strange thing was he did not wear any mask at all.
- I was wondering about my hair… - She explained. She always felt the need to explain the situation to Erik when he scolded her for something, like he was really her father.
- What on Earth can you wonder about it, woman? Just do it as usual. You have half an hour to get properly dressed and show up in the music room. I am waiting for you.
Christine got very surprised about Erik's tone and the precise time limit he gave her, just as when they met for the first time. She did not understand the sudden change in Erik's behavior. Could it be she hurt him somehow in bed? And what does he want in the music room? She found it a wiser idea not to make Erik wait longer than he ordered, as it would make him angrier. She put on one of her nicest dresses she got from Erik and did her hair, and she hurried to the music room. As she opened the door, she saw Erik sitting at the piano, impatiently tapping his fingertips against the edge of the instrument. He let out a sigh once Christine appeared in the room.
- I am here. – She said smiling.
- I see. – Erik nodded, taking a glance at his pocket watch. – You are five minutes late. I suggest it won't happen again.
- I am sorry. – She closed the door with trembling hands, not sure about what they are here for. – Why did you ask me to come here, Erik…?
- Why, why, to practice of course. – He turned back in surprise. – How do you want to go back to the Opera, sounding like a dying chicken?
- Dying chicken? Stop insulting me! – She gasped, feeling insulted.
- Stop being a diva. – Erik ordered. – You are out of practice, you need lessons.
- Oh! – She sounded so relieved and excited. – Music lessons with you, Erik, this is awesome! – She ran closer to the piano and wanted to hug Erik, but he lifted his hands up to protect himself from the hug.
- We are not here for mushy stuff. – He turned away to the piano keys and cracked his fingers. – Stand up straight. – He added.
Christine stood up in singing position, and tried her best to follow Erik's instructions. They did scales and warm – ups at first, something that Christine did not like to do. She wanted to sing an aria at last, but Erik was so perfectionist about the warm – ups that he did not let her finish them until they were perfect. Christine had to admit that she was indeed out of practice. She made her old mistakes again, breathing problems, trouble reaching high notes, trouble with keeping up high notes for a long time. Erik was very displeased to hear she wasn't able to sing a high E for 15 seconds.
- This is unacceptable. – He groaned. – Look what you have done!
- Me..? Why me?
- Who else? Did I ruin your technique, perhaps? Or Mahtab? Indeed it was you. A singer can't permit herself two – year vacations, my Christine, and expect Erik to just magically fix up your mess.
- You have done it before. – She smiled. – You will do it now as well.
- Erik has to do everything here, which is exactly the problem, yes.
- Why are you like this today? – Christine took a step closer.
- To your place, back away.
- You are talking to me like to a dog!
Erik sighed and slammed an accord on the piano, not even being sure why he did it or what did he want to play. He suddenly started to play "La ci darem la mano" from Mozart's Don Juan, but he did not sing and stopped playing before Christine could join in. He was silently staring to the keyboard, and to his hands like he saw them for the first time.
- It is not good, every damned opera is about… - He stood up and walked to the window, slowly. – Even mine… my damned opera is about that as well…
- About what? – Christine asked curiously.
- Can someone just not… live in peace? Why do I always have to…
- Have to… what?
- Have to meet some kind of requirements. Always.
- Erik, I am the one who has to meet your requirements.
- And I am to yours. Be kinder, be nicer, be less stressed, be patient, come home for dinner, make money, stay at home, and now… you expect me to be… a Don Juan…?
- You are my husband, I did not know that is so much to ask for once in two years.
- You told me I was old, and as I am old that was something to be expected.
- I just want to know what your problem might be today.
- Nothing. I just realized I can't please you, no matter what the Hell I try to do, that is all.
- Erik…
- And it bothers me that everything I do reminds me of it. My failure. My… weakness. I can't be a good husband to you, Christine, no matter what I do, there is always one more thing I should do otherwise to make you happy. Maybe… maybe you should have married him. So you could be happy.
Without another word he left the room, but turned back from the door, looked her in the eye for some seconds then added: - That's all for today. You will have another lesson tomorrow.
Christine sat down to the piano after Erik shut the door after himself, and was staring at Erik's sheet music for a time. She did not think Erik felt the way he just confessed. He was trying so hard to be a good husband and a normal man. She kept forgetting how hard it was for Erik, after so many decades of isolation, to get back in society. He seemed to handle it so well and Christine did not think it was so unbearable for him. Finally that he did not have to work and keep in touch with others, only his family, he hoped he will find inner peace- but he once again felt insecure because he felt he couldn't be good enough for Christine either. She felt sorry and guilt, but she thought she should not follow Erik to talk to him – he most likely wouldn't want to talk and it would make him even more stressed. She did not know how to make Erik feel better – but she knew she will, somehow.
The music lessons continued every day, even on Sundays. At the Opera she did not have music lessons on Sunday, but now Erik stated she needs them, so there was no excuse. Christine was happy to have lessons with Erik again, that was the only thing she loved about their relationship at the Opera, and now as they were married, they were mostly even more pleasant. Erik calmed down in the coming days as Christine did not force anything on him, yet she did not have the opportunity to talk too much to him for two more days- he slept in his study, if he slept at all. She chose to leave Erik alone, and as she later found out, this was the best thing she could have done.
As she got better and better with singing Erik got more and more pleased with the result of the singing lessons and at least started calling her by nicer names during their time together. They were alone, without Mahtab constantly clinging to Erik, and drawing away his attention, that was something she loved as well. Mahtab, however, wasn't that pleased about these happenings. There was a time when she played nicely in her room, but other times she went to the door of the music room and banged on it. Erik could never continue playing when it happened, he was very easily distracted and a very picky and proud artist – no one should bother his playing with even the slightest noise or he would instantly stop. He stood up from the piano chair and opened the door for the demanding toddler, giving Christine a bit of disappointment.
- What Papa and Mama do? – Mahtab asked. Her vocabulary started to skyrocket in these months and she now could speak in sentences.
- Papa and Mama are singing. – Erik lifted her up on his lap.
- Mahtab singing too. – She demanded.
- Can you? – Erik asked, laughing.
- I can. – She nodded.
- Erik, we should… continue the lesson, perhaps? – Christine crossed her arms on her chest.
- Just a minute, Christine, you are not the only woman in Erik's life any more. – He chuckled and let Mahtab hit some keys on the piano. – She is turning rather musical, don't you think?
- I guess… but she can only be musical with parents like us, Erik. – She leaned closer and stroke the tiny girl's hair.
- I think you may stay dear. – Erik smiled and kissed her forehead. – But please promise you will be a good girl and not bother Papa and Mama, will you?
- Yes. – Mahtab nodded as she was placed on the sofa by Erik.
- Good girl. Do you want to hear some Magic Flute, eh?
- Yes, yes, magic. – She clapped.
- Christine, dear, Pamina – Papageno would you please, from the end of first act. – Erik walked back to the piano smiling.
Mahtab never heard her parents singing together before, and yet she was such a small child, she could sense the otherworldly beauty of the harmony her Mama's and Papa's singing voices did together. Despite her habits, she stayed completely still and silent while the lesson lasted. Christine did not even dare to dream that the child was able to concentrate for so long time. She was enchanted by the beautiful melodies she heard and forgot about all her problems, just looked at her parents with her twisted little mouth wide- open.
Weeks and months passed, with the singing lessons they now shared with Mahtab as well. It was surprising to see that the child misbehaved only sometimes during the music lessons, and when she did, that was instantly stopped if Erik told her to stop it. But oh, how very rare it was when Mahtab did not misbehave ANY OTHER TIME…
She became a tiny barrel of gunpowder by the time her second Birthday arrived. She screamed, she threw things at Christine, she tossed herself to the ground and oh God, screamed like a banshee. A little demon. Christine started to understand what did the word "No" meant. Everything was "No" to Mahtab right at that time. She would say no to get dressed with Christine's help, to get dressed all by herself, to eat, to sleep, to go outside, to stay inside, and to take a bath….
The other problem was that Erik and Christine did not agree in the way they should handle Mahtab's tantrums. Erik always chose to ignore the screaming little thing until she finally calmed down, noticing she has no audience for the play. Erik also often would do "time outs" for the child, she had to stand in the corner, face to the wall for as many minutes as her current age. If she left, she was carried back by her father but he did not talk to her to calm her down, or did not say a single word. Christine found these methods way too cruel and emotionally empty for such a tiny child. She tried to calm her, she would talk to her endlessly while Mahtab kept screaming on her full volume, inches away from Christine's face. The result was that Mahtab was way more respectful towards Erik as she knew well that he will punish her, while Christine would not. She did not listen to her mother. Erik tried his best to make Mahtab obey both of them equally, but the girl knew well that Christine was nothing to worry about.
Christine also gasped at the ways Erik would treat Mahtab's sudden tantrum on the street. It was a beautiful day in early September. Mahtab was taken with them to the park for the usual Sunday walk, she wore a silk veil to cover her face. They sold some chocolate and cotton candy in a cormer they passed and Mahtab's small mismatched eyes lit bright up. She stopped and Erik felt a sudden drag at the bottom of his jacket.
- What is it, dear? – He leaned down to the girl who pointed at the desired direction.
- You buy candy! – She stomped her tiny feet against the ground.
- Ask nicely, Mahtab, as I taught you, then I will.
- You buy candy! – She louder, almost screaming.
- No, Mahtab. How do you ask for something?
- I WANT candy! – She tried to push Erik towards the man who sold her precious candy, but Erik shook his head and caught the girl's hand.
- You are not getting any. – He pulled her to the other direction, but Mahtab threw herself to the ground and made Erik drag her around as she started screaming again.
- Erik, for Heaven's sake, buy her that candy…
- No. – The man shook his head. – No, because she uses this tone with me.
They arrived at a near bench and Erik sat down with Christine while Mahtab just lay on the ground in front of them, hitting his fist against the pebbles. She yelled about candy, but they did not really understand it anymore because she was so worked up that she could hardly articulate any more. People who strolled by were turning around to glance at the child in a nasty hissy fit.
- Erik, dear, please, go and buy her something, everyone is looking at us…
- Just let them. – He shrugged.
- Erik…
- I said as I said.
- If you don't buy her something, I will! – She nearly stood up, but Erik caught her arm.
- You stay here, Christine. That is exactly why she is doing it. Let her.
- But the people…
- We will most likely never meet them again. What do they matter?
They sat there for a while, while the girl continued on with the mini- play she directed herself. Erik wondered how she has so strong lungs. Just as he thought about this, he could see through the light material of the veil that the child's face is turning to a shade of blue because of the lack of oxygen. He knew he had to do something to stop Mahtab's fit of rage, but no way should she get that damned sweet she is yelling about…
He had a sudden idea and he let out a scream that made Christine's heart stop for a second in horror. Erik, with his powerful operatic voice had an effect on the whole park, but now he did not care. He did just the same as the child – he just jumped up from the bench and stomped, still screaming, and finally lay on the ground, kicking and yelling about he did not want to listen to the child any more. Christine, for some seconds, thought that Erik had gone crazy. How else could a grown up man do this in the open street at broad daylight? But in the end she understood what was going on as Mahtab stood up, staring at her father with a mix of astonishment and pity. She walked closer to Erik and hugged him, to that Erik stopped his very well- played show as well.
- Papa feeling good? – Mahtab stroke Erik's shoulder with worry in her voice.
- Now yes. – Erik sighed in relief, knowing that he can finally stop the tantrum.
He stood up, rehashed both his and the toddler's clothes and on a completely casual voice he asked if they may continue walking. This act of his totally scared Christine, but she had to admit, it worked. After that, Mahtab never threw a tantrum on the street.
She was happy to go back to the Opera, to be honest. She missed the place and well, she was actually happy to free from home for a few hours. She was ashamed to admit that she felt relieved to know that Erik had to deal with their daughter's fits of rage while she was away.
The Opera had "Tales of Hoffmann" on program in that season and Christine got the role of Olympia, the singing doll, with one of the hardest arias of opera history. She was quite good at learning it, but the movements she had to make during the song were a bit too unnatural for her, as she had to move her arms and legs like an automaton, as that was exactly what she had to play. As she asked for Erik's help with practicing, Mahtab got a new hobby besides trains – dolls! Dolls that could move in such a funny way! Her love and adoration for trains did not fade with time, Erik had to take her to the railway station once a week and they would look at the awesome things she still called "Choo-choo". Erik often joked about if Mahtab was born as a boy the profession she'd chose would either be a runner, a station agent, or the worst scenario, a ticket inspector. She already had a bed shaped like a locomotive that Erik made for her as a gift, it was even painted like a real train. She loved that bed, she would play in it during the day as well, and would listen to Erik's bedtime story or lullaby in it with such a joy as she slept in it for the first time. If she did not want to eat, Erik just had to say "Here comes the choo-choo" while spoon – feeding her, and she opened her mouth that instant. And now, as she saw her Mama moving like a doll – she started imitating her and walked around in the house like that. She would walk to Erik and turn her back to him, pretending she needed to be wound up again, just as Christine did during the Doll song's rehearsals. Erik put his bony finger against the tiny child's spine and turned his wrist round a few times to make her happy, and so the fun could continue.
Erik had a sudden idea about Mahtab's growing interest about automatons and Christine who did not leave him be some months before about going to bed with her again. Maybe she wanted it because she would like to have another child…? Maybe she did not dare to tell him the real intentions behind her ask? It is very much understandable, as he thought things through – Christine likes children, and Mahtab would be happy with a sibling. She would at least have someone to play with, as Erik knew well that no other child ever will want his little girl as she is… Maybe Christine is right about they should have another child…
But who said it always has to be the usual way?
He was acting strange in the coming few weeks. Once Mahtab was put to bed, he would always lock himself in the study, working on something. Christine was worried as Erik slept way too little again. She kept asking him about what was he working on so feverishly, but Erik only gave her a mysterious smile and said it was a surprise. She heard strange noises from the study sometimes, like he was constructing something. She did not know what her husband invented but even in the working progress, she had some fears about it. Erik's mastermind was so great no one could ever see in his head and this fact in itself was awesome and frightening at the same time. Three weeks it took to finish whatever it was.
In a morning when Christine went to the kitchen to drink some tea, she saw a small figure sitting at the kitchen table. At first she thought it was Mahtab, but had no idea how did she climb up to the chair all alone, it was yet too high for her. She greeted the child and saw it jump off of the chair but as it reached the ground, it gave a very creepy sound, like it wasn't even a real child.
- Mahtab? … - She called out nervously. The thing walked close to her and stood in front of her, lifting its arms in the air. No, it indeed wasn't real. It was a doll. Same height as Mahtab, it had a porcelain- like pale face, red lips she could move while talking… she even had teeth… blonde wig, glued on its head and even her blue glass eyes moved around. She was dressed in the finest clothes one could dress a toddler in – nice red skirt with floral pattern and a white blouse.
- Mama. – It called her… Mama…?
It had a voice like a little girl, only it talked softly and gave a strange wheezing noise while doing so, and one could hear some squeaking as she opened and closed her mouth. It was perfectly mobile, she could even move her fingers, like a normal girl. But she wasn't at all cute… she was SCARY!
Christine ran out of the kitchen, screaming for help. The thing followed her to the hall and only that was the time Erik appeared and caught it.
- Come here, my little one. – He laughed, still looking at the horrified Christine.
He carried the thing under his arm and gently lifted it up so Christine could see it better. That was something she really did not want to – see it any better.
- What the Hell is this? – She gasped, pointing at the doll.
- A child… another child for you, my dear. From your loving and devoted little husband.
- What…? Why…?
- It is even better, you see. It is already old enough to talk, it won't scream all day, it won't have to eat, and Mahtab will love her. And well, you see… we can't have the risk of having a baby like Mahtab again… she is perfect in every way.
- But she has no heart…
- She doesn't even need one. Well, I can program her to follow some of the behavioral patterns a living child would do, if it makes you happier.
- Erik, I don't want another child. And even if I would… I would want to have it the normal way, if you don't get mad at me for saying this.
- Oh… - Erik nervously turned the little thing around a few times in his hands and took a deep breath: - It seems like I misunderstood you again…- He sighed and turned around to carry the thing back to his study to dissemble it, but he was distracted by Mahtab's happy exclamation. She stood behind him and clapped her tiny hands together as she saw the automaton under Erik's arm.
- Papa! Doll! – She pointed at the thing happily.
Erik looked at Christine questioningly, as he would ask for help what on Earth he should do now. Christine nodded. To this, Erik knelt down to the child and placed the doll in front of her.
- This is your friend, dear. Her name is Cadence. Do you like her?
- Yes, yes, I like her. – She nodded and hugged the little robot against her.
- Good… just be a good girl, and tell her something, she will do it.
Erik looked at the girl smiling as she ordered Cadence around the house. At least he could make SOMEONE happy in this family.
As they stayed just the two of them again, Erik and Christine were staring at each other for some minutes, then Erik wanted to turn away in embarrassment and walk to his study to compose, but his wife took his hand and looked at her with love.
- Erik, I think I made a mistake the other time when I did not say anything after you confessed me your fears.
- Let's not talk about this…
- But yes, we should. Erik, you are the best husband one can ask for, and I appreciate the things you keep doing for me to make me happy.
- Do I… make you happy, Christine…? – He asked with trembling voice.
- You do, Erik dear. I love you.
- I… love you too, Christine. Very much so.
- I would just like if we got closer to each other a bit more. – She confessed.
Erik closed his eyes for some moments and a bit hesitated, he said:
- I don't promise anything… but I will try my best to… be Don Juan Triumphant… to you.
- Oh Erik… - She smiled and kissed Erik's cold forehead
