This was a pretty fun chapter to write! I think the romance and the angst is going to start ramping up soon, so the pace might pick up a bit in the next ten or so chapters. I'm kind of a sucker for slow-burn dragged out things, so I hope this pace isn't ridiculously slow for everyone.
And thank you so much for the reviews! I love reading every single one of them.
Twelve
Rose
I was going to have to speak to Dimitri eventually, there was no avoiding the conversation where he'd apologise and I'd pretend that everything was fine. I'd explain that I knew why he did it, that I agreed that it was the right thing to do, and miss out the part where it still hurt to see him making eyes at Tasha across the cabin.
I hated that I couldn't be happy for him. I'd never meant to become this bitter person.
Spokane was what had hurt me more, though. Spokane had made Dimitri's departure a thousand times more painful.
"We haven't drunk for a while," Christian said, flicking through a textbook where they were sat in the library. "Do you think the fact I miss it means I have a problem?"
He was leaning against a radiator, and I sat beside him, our arms pressed together. It didn't look like anything to might have seen us, but having him there beside me meant everything, and we both knew it. "I miss the distraction," I agreed, unable to focus on the book I was trying to read. Christian still had normal lessons, so he had to study.
"My Aunt is staying indefinitely," he told me, waiting for a flinch that I never gave. "She text me last night to say so."
"Her and Dimitri will be a big help if your mom does attack campus," I said, ignoring everything else about the whole arrangement. "And I'm glad she'll be around." For his sake, I was. Christian needed his family around to remind him that he still had a family when his mom was going out of her way to hurt him.
Christian put the book down and leant his head back against the radiator. "I bet you're cursing Alberta."
I smiled, resisting the urge to lean my own head back, against his. "You're who I'd have chosen for the field experience if I had a choice, even knowing about Tasha and Dimitri coming to stay."
"Do you think we're bad people?" he asked, turning to look at me. His big blue eyes met mine, and the fire crackled between us.
We kept letting ourselves do this, skirt the line of what was acceptable. Telling him that I'd rather spend time with him than my best friend: that wasn't acceptable. "I'm definitely a bad person. I don't think that you are."
"And I'd have said it the other way around."
"I think we're probably both bad people, rather than both being good." I settled further into his side, not caring about the consequences in that moment. It was always easier to not care in the moment.
When Liss and Eddie rounded the corner and I had to straighten myself again, the consequences came rushing back. Liss beamed at us, taking a seat beside Christian and giving him a kiss on the cheek. Eddie was watching his, eyes always alert, and I knew he hadn't missed how close we were sitting.
I also knew he wouldn't have thought anything of it, because we were friends, and Christian was going out with Liss, my best friend.
"Hey guys," she chorused. Christian and I couldn't separate each other now without it looking awkward, and it felt so wrong, having him there when we knew what it meant to one another. He moved slightly, his arm pressing harder against mine so that he could turn to speak to Liss, and a shiver of heat ran up my spine.
I'd been right. I was definitely a bad person.
"Hey, Liss."
"Guess what? I just got an email from the Queen. Well, from the Queen's secretary."
I felt Christian tense, but he didn't show it. "What about?"
"There's going to be a conference here at the Academy, about your mom's threats. About offensive magic and all that stuff."
That actually made Christian's ears perk up, and mine did the same. Maybe they were really serious about tackling this threat before it became a real problem. This was Lissa and Tasha's time to shine, and I knew they could make it work. They could convince the masses.
He grabbed his phone from his pocket. "Oh yeah, I have a text from my Aunt about it. That's really exciting."
"We're really going to make a difference," she beamed. "And your Aunt will be the star of the show."
We all knew that Lissa was the star of every show. "So it's just a conference? No dancing and tuxedos?" Christian checked, settling back down into his seat beside me. His eyes flicked to mine for just a second, but we didn't let anything slip.
Guilt curled in my stomach, but I still didn't move away. I needed him there beside me, with that comforting warmth reminding me that he cared. It didn't matter that we were skirting a line—it didn't matter that I wanted him more than anything—because at this point I felt sure that I needed him just to survive. I could live without the love, without the affection or the sex, but I needed him to be there as my friend.
Liss flushed guiltily. "It takes a bit of extravagance to get Royals gathered together, you know that. I think they're planning some kind of dance, for students and royals. It won't be anything big, though. Nothing too stressful, since all the non-royals and novices are going to be there, too."
I almost wanted to raise my eyebrows at how callous that sounded coming from her mouth, but it was only the truth.
She leant around Christian to grin at me. "So we get to go dress shopping!"
That should have excited me, but everything had a grey tarnish nowadays. The fact I was more excited by a potential after-party should have been a warning sign about my psyche. "Nice," I said, trying to fake some enthusiasm.
Lissa frowned. "Are you okay?"
I still hadn't told her about Dimitri. Maybe this should have been the right time. I took a deep breath and told Eddie to huddle so no one would overhear. "Look, I know this is a stupid time to tell you guys, and I should have told you all earlier, but I used to kind of… I don't even know, have this thing with Dimitri, so having him back around has just got me down a bit. No big deal."
The words sounded dead coming from my mouth, and I'd downplayed it easily, but Christian met my gaze and he knew how hard it had been to even say that.
"What?" Lissa hissed, leaning over Christian to speak to me. She was pressed against his entire body, and a fierce streak of jealousy worked its way through me. I'd never be able to do that with him, be comfortable around him physically in front of people. Hugging was as good as we were ever going to get. "And you never told me? But he's been gone for two months, you must have been going through hell." There was the pity, swimming in her gaze, and I swallowed my anger.
I didn't deserve anger. The most emotion I'd felt in those two weeks was a burning need to have Christian's lips on mine. Christian was the only thing that made me feel anything anymore that wasn't sadness and anger. I didn't deserve Lissa's sympathy over anything.
"It's really not been so bad." I lifted my shoulder. "Just coupled with Spokane has what's made it rough."
There was no point mentioning the word. No one needed to know that I'd been in love with him. That would only make it harder.
Eddie kept quiet, face pensive. I'd been going out with Mason, whilst I had this thing with Dimitri. I'd lied to his dead best friend.
I definitely didn't deserve Eddie's sympathy either.
"If you ever need to talk you know where to find me." She squeezed my hand and stood up, pressing another chaste kiss to the corner of Christian's mouth. "I have to go though, I have a meeting with Kirova, I just came to say hello. Feels like we haven't seen each other forever."
I felt that feeling through the bond like a knife. She missed sleeping with Christian, she was longing for him.
Longing in the exact same way I was. Our feelings mingled together, and I almost thought I might throw up.
I'd fucked up, big time.
