Sorry for the massively late update! I've been in a massive funk the past month and basically not been motivated to do anything at all. I'm really hoping I can get back in the game and start updating this regularly again.

I wanted to address the reviewer who asked whether we were supposed to like Rose and Christian in this fic. Honestly, probably not. I mean, they're both being selfish shitters and doing what they want. I'm writing it like this because I like the angst, though. I know it's OOC and stuff, but this is just the kind of story I like to read, so I'm giving writing it a go.


Thirteen

Christian

The ball had rushed towards us, and now I was walking arm in arm with Lissa towards the cafeteria, which had been turned into a proper ballroom for the night. Rose was behind me, and I was determined not to look back at her.

She was wearing a burgundy gown that clung to all her curves, and it was taking everything in me not to drink her in. Lissa was beautiful on my arm, but her touch annoyed me. It was a constant reminder of what I couldn't have.

The first day of the conference had been during the day, and it had already gotten off to a bad start. Lissa and my Aunt were against the world so far. They'd been shut down every time they tried to say something, but I'd been watching. People had been shifting in their seats when my Aunt was talking; I'd seen them hear the truth and it made them uncomfortable. That was how it needed to be. First they had to realise how fucked their situation was, and then they went to the desperate measures of learning offensive magic.

It was how it needed to be, and I was quietly confident.

Not confident enough to believe that it would have happened before my mum attacked, though. Those people were in for the long haul. My mum's massacre would be the thing that finally broke them into agreeing.

In the hall, we hurried to grab a table. It was relatively early, but filling up fast. The six of us crushed together on a small bench, and it meant Rose was pressed completely against my side. My breath was ragged, but I reined myself in.

She was just a friend. A friend I couldn't afford to lose.

Adrian had come over as soon as he saw us come in. "Little Dhampir, you look positively ravishing." He flashed a grin at her, and my back stiffened involuntarily. Here I sat, with Liss's hand in mine, and I had the nerve to be jealous.

She gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Adrian."

"Cousin, my Great Aunt wanted me to come and fetch you when you arrived. She wants to talk to you."

Lissa straightened beside me and smiled. "Of course. I'll go and say hello now."

"You'd better save me a dance, Little Dhampir," he called over his shoulder.

I watched them walk away, arm in arm, grateful that I could finally just sit and talk to Rose. The guilt weighed on my shoulders, and they sagged. It was all becoming too much. The field experience was too hard, and it meant I was barely seeing Lissa. When this was over, and she wanted to see me every night, when she wanted to have sex, I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it.

We might all be dead by then, anyway.

A frown flickered across Rose's face, and I tried to pull myself together. Having her worry was the last thing I needed; Rose worrying always ended up in confiding, which meant comforting and comforting meant a closeness we couldn't afford.

"This whole thing is a bit unbearable," my Aunt grumbled from across the table.

Everyone nodded their agreement. "I think I'm going to go and join the other novices," Eddie excused himself, still not quite able to look at Rose in the face. She flinched.

I wanted to grab her hand beneath the table, but knew it was the worst idea. "I'm sure Lissa will be back to ask you for a dance soon," my Aunt teased me. "Are you sure you're not going to stand on her feet?"

I gave her a short laugh. "I like to think I'm slightly less clumsy than that."

"You should give it a test run with Rose. I'm sure she's dying to get out on the dancefloor in that gorgeous dress."

Her cheeks actually turned pink and my stomach twisted. "Don't worry." She turned to me, daring to meet my eyes. Keeping my expression controlled around her was becoming harder and harder by the day. "I won't force you."

"Maybe you won't, but I will. Go on, enjoy the evening," my aunt encouraged, waving them up.

I could only stand and offer Rose a hand. She hesitated only a second before taking it and letting me lead her onto the floor. There'd have been no reasonable excuse not to dance with her. I couldn't explain that every time Rose and I touched it set my skin on fire; that having her pressed against me tested every ounce of my self-control.

We danced in silence for a few minutes, keeping our bodies respectively away from each other and not daring to let our hands wander. Mine were tight on her hips, and I couldn't stop my fingers digging into the soft skin beneath the dress. I just wanted to hold her; feel her.

"Are you okay?" Rose asked, looking up at me, her hands resting on my shoulders. "You look… I don't know. Not okay."

"I'm not okay," I admitted, thumb caressing her skin. "I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

"About everything."

She took a step closer to me, before realising what she was doing, and where, and returned to her original position. We continued to dance around the room, an aching tension between us. "I don't know what to say," she said, trying to read my face once more.

"Me neither." My heart was pounding as I stared down at Rose. Rose, who I'd come to realise I couldn't live without. "Let's go sit back down," I said, weariness seeping into my voice. "I need to go and talk to Liss about something."

She frowned at me, but I'd already dropped my hands from her hips and headed back over to the table. Liss was sat back down chatting away with my Aunt. My insides were so twisted I thought I might throw up, but I braced myself and tried to convince myself I was definitely making the right decision.

"Liss, can I talk to you for a moment," I asked, hovering behind her chair. This wasn't the time or the place, but I was determined to seize my impulse and get the words out. She was going to hate me either way, waiting until this evening wouldn't make any difference.

She gave me a winning smile, and my heart clenched tighter. I might not be in love with her anymore, but I'd never wanted to hurt her. "Of course."

I led her out of the hall and into an empty classroom where I hoped we wouldn't be overheard. Her smile had dimmed. "What's wrong?"

It must have been all over my face. I could barely keep the tears out of my eyes. "Liss I can't do this anymore."

Her hands shook as she leant against the side of the table. "The balls?" It was an empty statement, without hope.

"I don't want to be together anymore. I'm sorry."

A sob broke through her chest, and my hands itched to hold her. But I couldn't. It had to be a clean break. "I'm going to go and fetch Rose for you," I said, hating that I had to bring her into my mess once again.

"No, Christian! Wait. Is there nothing I can do? You don't have to come to these things with me ever again. You don't have to do any of that. I just—please. Please don't do this."

"I'm sorry," I repeated, fleeing the room and swiping at my eyes, determined to hold myself together. Liss's face, crumpled in despair, was burned into my mind.

In the hall, I made my way back to Rose. She stood up when she saw me coming, eyebrows pulled together. "What's wrong?" she asked. "What happened?"

I cleared my throat and couldn't meet her eyes. "I broke up with Liss."

She stared at me for a heartbeat, every ounce of hope we'd held about being together flashing in her gaze for a moment. It was crushed just as quickly. It wasn't ever going to happen, and that wasn't why I'd ended it. I wasn't that stupid.

She wrapped a hand around my upper arm for just a moment. "Are you okay?"

I couldn't bring myself to lie to her. "You should go and see Liss. She's in the first classroom on the right. I'll see you tonight." The field experience had been lifted until curfew.

She hesitated only a second, thumb brushing against my shirt, before nodding and going to find Liss. No doubt her head was pounding with Liss's devastation.

I took her seat and ran a hand through my hair. I just wanted to get out of here, but my Aunt was pinning me down with her gaze.

Belikov stood up and left, giving some excuse about needing to go fetch a drink. A drink was exactly what I needed right now. It was a shame there was no alcohol for the students.

Aunt Tasha looked at me, a hardness hidden beneath her gaze that I couldn't miss. She was disappointed that I might have jeopardised the cause's biggest asset. "What happened?"

"I don't love her. I couldn't stay with her because I'm scared of my mum and losing my reputation when everything comes to light. Liss will fight for offensive magic whether she's with me or not, we both know that." I'd been a coward, but holding Rose in my arms had been enough to jerk me to my senses. Having her there made it obvious just how barren my feelings towards Liss had become, and I didn't want to be the kind of person who used her. It wasn't me. It had never been me.

"Are you okay?" she repeated Rose's question.

I lifted a shoulder. "I will be. I'm going to head back to my room." I checked the clock. It wasn't that long until curfew now. "I'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry about me, Rose will cheer me up. She always manages it somehow."