Blimey, I'm on a roll! Managed to keep up with my original schedule for this next chapter. Thank you to everyone who is still there reviewing, I adore hearing your thoughts! It means so much that people are enjoying this so far.
Fourteen
Rose
My heart hurt, and I cast a glance back over my shoulder at Christian before leaving the hall. He didn't see me; his face was buried in his hands. Tasha was looking at me and I hurried out of the room.
I wanted to talk to him, to do something to take that guilty expression out of his eyes, but seeing me wasn't likely to make him any less guilty. Besides, I had to see Lissa. Her sadness was pouring through the bond at such an alarming rate it was difficult to remain inside my own head.
Liss was where Christian had said she would be, barely holding herself up against a table as she cried into her hands.
It was the worst possible timing; she would be noticed as missing from the ball, and she definitely couldn't go back in there in that state. I let her collapse against me and ran my hand over her hair.
"I'm so sorry, Liss," I murmured, trying to keep back my own tears. I wasn't stupid, I knew that I'd played some part in influencing Christian's decision, and my own guilt was tearing at me. I kept murmuring pointless phrases like that as tears tracked down my own face. Her heart was broken, and I was partly responsible.
Not that I could have really done anything to stop the heat simmering between Christian and I; not that I could have stopped us being the only people who really understood what the other was going through or that we'd been lumped together for the field experience.
At least he'd ended it. He'd been honest.
Part of me was shocked. Sure, we fancied each other, and sure, he didn't like the Royal stuff, but Liss and Christian were perfect for each other. They'd been through so much, and I'd been certain that this was just a blip, that as soon as the field experience was over Christian and I would drop off to being just friends again.
But now they were over. It was done.
"I just don't understand," Lissa whispered, choking on her words as she tried to pull herself together. "I thought everything was so perfect."
I rubbed her back as she straightened up and wiped at her eyes. "I know. I did too." Only a small lie. I hadn't thought Christian was anywhere near this disillusioned with their relationship.
"I really loved him Rose," she whimpered, tears starting afresh. "What am I going to do? He didn't even give me a reason. He just said it and left. Maybe I can get him back."
I didn't even know how to respond to that. Maybe she could, but Christian hadn't look unsure when he'd come back into the hall. I got the feeling he wasn't planning on crawling back to her any time soon. "I think you should focus on getting over him." And it was impossible to tell whether that was me, Lissa's best friend, or me, jealous girl attracted to Christian, who was speaking.
Either way, I hoped it was the right thing.
"I can't just get over him. You don't understand. I loved him. I love him. I need him."
I hadn't—and wasn't about to—told Lissa about Dimitri properly. She didn't know that I understood exactly how painful it was to be broken up with. "Liss I'm in your head. I know how you're feeling." Which was also true. Her pain was radiating through me so badly that I was desperate for a drink to numb the bond.
That was something I was sure Christian would agree to when I got back to his room later.
"I just don't know what to do," she whispered, voice cracking. "I thought I had it all planned out. And then everything with his mum, I mean, he needs someone."
"I'm going to be his guardian for the next five weeks. I can manage to look after him."
And I would. I'd do a better job at looking after Christian than I was likely to do of looking after Liss, which hurt to admit. I wasn't sure when we'd drifted apart like that. Liss and I had always been thick as thieves, and now I felt more comfort just from talking to Christian than I did when Liss tried to cheer me up.
My chest ached with guilt, and I took my arms from around her. "Come on, we should go back to your room. We want to avoid people as best as we can."
Liss hesitated, but followed me out. We managed to avoid everyone on the way back to her rooms, and when we got there she put on some pyjamas and flung herself onto her bed, clutching the pillow. "I guess Eddie will be back pretty soon. I'm going to have to explain what's happened to him. God, I'm going to have to tell everyone. They'll all know I was dumped."
"Eddie is a good friend. He'll be good at cheering you up, I'm sure. And he definitely understands what it means to lose someone close to you."
Her face paled. "God, I'm going to seem so pathetic compared to what he's been through."
"No you're not. He'll understand, and he'll be able to help." Understanding was what meant the most. Christian and I understood, that's why we clicked.
The door opened, and Eddie peered his head around the door with a frown. "I saw you guys disappear, I thought I should come back. Has something happened?"
Lissa couldn't keep a straight face when she explained. Eddie sat beside her on the bed and wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder. She ended up sobbing into his chest, and I watched with a lump in my throat.
"It's nearly curfew," he said, checking his watch. "It might be best to just go back to Christian's room now."
Liss's crying increased at the mention of his name, and I went to give her a final hug before leaving.
I swiped at my own tears all the way back to Christian's room, and knew my makeup was a mess. My mascara was probably running down my face and my lipstick was far from perfect anymore. There were more people around now, heading back to their dorms, and I got more than one curious glance.
I held my head high and ignored them. My sniffling detracted from the aloof look I was going for, though.
Christian was sat on his bed, staring at the opposite wall, when I entered. He jumped, face spinning around to look at me. Then it crumpled. Mine did too.
I got onto the bed beside him and wrapped and arm around his shoulder, letting him collapse against me. "I didn't know what to do," he whispered, voice breaking. I held him tight, fingers digging into the muscle of his upper arm. "I didn't want to hurt her, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't love her anymore. It would have been wrong to lead her on."
"You did the right thing." If he really felt that way, then I could convince myself that wasn't my jealous side talking, either.
I was under no illusions. This didn't mean the door was wide open for us to start having sex. This just meant that maybe Christian would be less miserable.
I was still Lissa's best friend, and she was still in love with him.
It was never going to be an option for me.
"How is she?"
"She's sad."
He scrubbed at his eyes. "God I did it at the worst time. I just, I just had to, before I lost my nerve."
"No time would have been the right time. It doesn't matter."
Christian's shoulders stopped shaking quite so much, and he let out a long, calming breath. "I've never really had to hurt anyone before," he admitted. "It's always just been me. I never wanted to be in this position."
I rested my chin on his head, two tears escaping my eyes. I definitely didn't want to be in this position, either. Maybe my feelings for him would eventually die. Maybe we'd both move on and just be friends at some point. That was what I had to hope for. "It's just life," I murmured. Waxing and waning feelings for people were just life, too.
"Are you okay?" he asked, moving away from where he'd buried his face in my neck to look up at me. His blue eyes sparkled in the rising sun that streamed through the window.
"The guilt hasn't crushed me quite yet," I murmured, having to look away from his open face. He was holding nothing back. I could see every single emotion as it played out. Sadness, guilt, affection. It was the last one that caused me to turn away. "I'll be fine in the morning. I can feel Liss, too. It's a little bit overwhelming."
"This isn't your fault." Christian jerked away from me, and forced me to look at him. He rested both his hands on my shoulders. "I've been out of love with Lissa before any of this thing, whatever it is, happened between us. I was staying with her because I'm a selfish bastard and I was scared of my mum, and my reputation, and because I'm a coward. Rose, all you did was make me realise just how far out of love with her I am. This isn't your fault."
And then I was crying again, because I wanted him so badly and I wasn't allowed. I just wanted him to hold me, kiss me, tell me that it was all going to be okay as long as we had each other.
His expression turned fraught and he brought me into his chest, hugging me tightly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's not you," I choked out. "It's not you at all. It's just… everything." I couldn't tell him the truth. That would be crossing a line that should never be crossed. I'd bear the weight by myself. "I just can't believe how much everything has changed."
Christian's arms were tight around me, and we let ourselves be wrapped in that cocoon for a while. Our crying died down, and it was just us. His hands on my back kept me warm and safe; promised that he would always be there if I needed it. I hoped that where my arms were wrapped around his waist that I conveyed the same message.
I blocked Liss out as best I could, feeling guilty for not accepting all the agony she was in and more. I deserved it.
When we separated, Christian reached up and brushed his fingers along my jaw. The touch was so feather-light that a shiver worked its way up my spine. I swallowed hard. It was gone as soon as he realised what he was doing, and his cheeks tinged pink. He retook his place against the headboard and I joined him, our arms pressed against each other like in the library.
"What did Tasha say?" I asked him, forcing myself not to let my head rest against his shoulder. Not after that heated moment when I'd allowed myself for a second to believe he might lean in and kiss me.
"Not much. She just asked me why. I feel like I'm going to get a bigger grilling when she doesn't think I'm about to have a breakdown. She really liked Lissa."
Everyone really liked Lissa. It was impossible not to. I wondered what her face would be if Christian and I walked up to the cottage hand-in-hand.
I pushed the thought from my mind. It was a stupid, irrelevant hypothetical.
"She'll get over it. Besides, she'll still see Lissa. Your Aunt is going to be a massive political figure in the next few months, I'm sure."
"True. I just don't like disappointing her."
"She won't be disappointed if you're happy."
He sent me a wan smile. "I'm not sure this is going to make me happy. Happier, maybe."
"Well, I mean it's better than nothing."
"I guess that's true. Sorry about cutting your dance short."
"You know I don't care about that stuff either. You saved me having to have an awkward dance with Adrian, at the very least."
"I'm glad I could be of service."
It was so hard not to remember Christian's hands on me at the mention of dancing. We'd made an effort not to hold each other tight, but his fingers had still burned through the material of my dress. He'd still been a step away, still so close that I could have reached up and moulded my lips with his.
My cheeks burned, and I couldn't find a response to what he'd said. Everything was so messed up, and somehow just curling up against Christian would be the way to solve it all. He would block everything out, just for a while.
I hurried off the bed. "I think I need to go to bed."
Christian frowned at me, but I just shook my head and got into my bed on the floor. I took a deep breath, and swallowed all my urges. I couldn't touch Christian, I couldn't kiss him, and I definitely couldn't sleep with him.
Not ever.
I heard Christian take several breaths, as if he was going to speak, but no words ever came. I was glad. Talking about it only seemed to make it more real, and I didn't need him to apologise to me anymore.
"Night Rose. Thanks for talking it out with me."
"Any time, you know that."
I buried the onslaught of tears into the pillow, and when Christian didn't say anything, I knew I'd managed to avoid him. In the morning I'd pull myself together, but right now I needed to mourn the fact we couldn't be together.
