I am so sorry! I obviously had no intention of leaving it this long between updates, but life has been super crazy for me recently. I had exams, then home for Christmas after my semester abroad to see everyone, and then I've been in America for the first time visiting last week, which was amazing! So, I'm back and I can't apologise enough for leaving it this long. I'm aiming to update once a week from this point onwards. There's not SO many chapters left to go now, maybe 10/12.
Twenty-Eight
Rose
The music was so loud it made my head pound, and I downed another shot of vodka. Tonight, I couldn't even be bothered to mix it. My stomach was ready to heave, but I didn't care. I couldn't feel like this. My body was practically numb, and my heart with it.
It was easier to forget Christian like this. It had been two weeks since the attack, and two weeks since I'd had a real conversation with him.
Everything in me ached at the thought of him, so I downed another shot and pretended that he didn't exist.
That was why I was here, for a distraction. I'd worn my sluttiest dress, and everyone had taken notice.
I was here to prove that I could still do it; I could still get through the heartbreak with a pair of hard, uncaring lips. I didn't need Christian's hands holding me against his chest; his lips pressing soft kisses against my neck as he murmured about how much he needed me; his cock slamming into me and making me fall apart.
I didn't need any of that.
I just needed some guy I didn't care about and a lot of vodka.
A pair of hands gripped me from behind, and I smiled hazily into the face of a novice from my year. Most of the Moroi had gone home, and the party was almost all Dhampirs.
"Rose, you are looking stunning tonight," he said, hands still on my hips as he leant towards me. The fact I was barely able to stand on my feet didn't appear to bother him.
"Why thank you," I replied, not bothering to waste any time before pressing my lips to his.
He was a good kisser; pried open my mouth and took my bottom lip between his teeth. But as I slipped my eyes shut to try and enjoy it, it was Christian's face that I pictured, and Christian's body that I imagined myself pressed against.
Jerking backwards, I gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm feeling really ill. I think I need to leave."
I left him standing there, giving me a bewildered look, as I fled the party.
I'd never had that problem with Dimitri; this had been my one release. Sneaking past the Guardians, I headed out into the blazing sun. I welcomed it on my face. I knew it must have been cold, but my body was humming with too much alcohol to feel it. I slipped away from the campus without being seen and into the woods.
I stopped when I came to a familiar tree, and slid down against it. It felt like forever since I'd sat here with Christian's head on my lap and we'd perfected the protection charm.
Tears tracked down my cheeks, and I brought my knees to my chest, resting my head on them. I just wanted him back; just wanted to lay in bed with him and cuddle one more time.
It felt like I had a hole in my chest. I'd known what it was like to be loved by him, and now I was forced to let it go. It was so painful it hurt to breathe sometimes.
I played innocent in the small times I was around Lissa, but she couldn't hide her bitterness from me completely. I stayed out of her way as best as I could. She needed to get closer to Eddie and Adrian; they were better friends than I'd been. I was lying to her every time I spoke to her; hiding something that would break our friendship forever.
It was another reason drinking was easier. I didn't have to feel her that way. Her poorly disguised resentment couldn't plague my head.
I shut my eyes and let the sun beat down on my face. Maybe I should run away and join the human world; get to spend every day with the sun on my face. Move to California, where I could always be warm.
The tears continued to flow down my cheeks, and I was powerless to stop them. At least my sobs had died, I didn't have the energy to cry properly anymore.
And then I heard footsteps crunching towards me in the grass. My eyes snapped open, and met icy blue ones.
"What are you doing here?" I whispered.
"I came for a walk. I've not been sleeping well recently," he admitted, standing in front of me.
Still my tears didn't stop, and he took a seat beside me, leaning against the tree. The warmth from his arm pressed against mine seeped into me.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"What for?"
"That you can't sleep."
"It's not your fault."
I knew that, and didn't have anything to say back.
"You must be freezing." He reached out and placed his hand on my arm. It burned. "You are. Jesus Christ, you're seriously cold."
He manoeuvred me until I was sat between his legs, and wrapped his arms tight around me, his legs pressing against mine.
"I'm sorry," I whispered again, voice cracking.
"Are you drunk?"
"Yes, very."
He chuckled, and rested his chin on top of my head. "I wish I was. I've been at my Aunt's. She keeps trying to make me tell her what's wrong, and I can't do it. Maybe I should."
I clung onto the arms that were wrapped around me. "You should do whatever will make you feel best," I told him. "Drinking helps me stop feeling at all."
"The tears don't really back up that theory."
I laughed. "I miss you so much it hurts."
He buried his face in my hair and breathed deeply. "I miss you too, Rose."
"I kissed someone else today," I felt the need to tell him. His arms stiffened around me. "And I couldn't do it. It feels like I'm betraying you."
He relaxed again, and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "I'm sorry."
"I'm kind of not. I don't want to kiss anyone else. Not really. I just wanted a distraction." I paused. "Do you think we'll be okay?" It was the same question I'd asked him so long ago, and I still didn't know the answer to it.
"I don't know." His voice broke, and we tightened our hold on each other. "Aunt Tasha and Dimitri are leaving next week. They want to see you, to say goodbye."
"I'd like that too." I swallowed, not daring to turn around and look at him. "Could… could we have one more night, like when we played cards? As a family. Before they go."
"Of course we can. Aunt Tasha would really like that, I'm sure."
"Christian I feel like I'm falling apart."
"Me too."
"I miss you."
"I miss you too."
"Do you think we can do it, be friends? I can't stay away from you; it hurts too much. Especially not after everything, with your mum."
"I need to be friends with you," he replied. "If I wasn't friends with you then it would be the equivalent of you having been taken forever. I need to be around you, to talk to you, for things to be okay. You're still the only one who understands."
"That's how I feel, too."
We sat in silence for a while, just holding each other. The sun was nearly at its highest point now, and I knew we'd been awake for far longer than we should have been.
"Maybe we should head back," Christian said, reading my mind. "I'm pretty exhausted."
"Me too," I agreed. "I have no idea how I snuck past the Guardians to get out here, I was wasted." I'd started to sober up a bit now, but my headache persisted. Christian's arms were warm around me, and I just wanted to stay in them forever.
I took a deep breath and forced myself to my feet, offering Christian a hand up. He looked at it sceptically, like he was more likely to bring me back down to the ground than I was to get him up, but took it anyway.
When we were both on our feet, he got a good look at my dress. "Jesus, I'm surprised you only kissed one guy in that thing."
My cheeks flushed. "That was kind of the intention. God, I probably looked like such a whore."
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "You always look gorgeous, Rose."
We walked back in silence, managing to get past all of the Guardians without being seen. If they did see us, they didn't say anything to the two students who had singlehandedly killed thirty Strigoi.
He walked me to my room. I fumbled with the keys until it opened, and then looked at my bed with disdain. I'd have given anything to cuddle up with him.
The best I could do was give him a hug, though. We wrapped our arms around each other for a good couple of minutes before pulling back.
"Let me know about a night at Tasha's," I told him.
"I will."
"See you later."
"Night."
I watched him walk down the corridor. My heart was heavy, but not quite as heavy as it had been when I'd gone out tonight.
