A lot of changes happened in the Spöke family after Yvette's and Raoul's wedding. Too many things changed. First of all, Mahtab suddenly couldn't find her place in the family. Before she was nearly always with Sophie, and Flo and Noel suddenly seemed to get way more attention from Erik than before, and she got less as she felt it. Sophie moved away with Tonton Raoul, and even though they met in the weekends for a few hours, and she was the happiest when meeting her friend, and playing with her, those times were so little, compared to the time they used to spend together. It happened that they were allowed to sleep together, they were playing in the garden or Mahtab read stories for Sophie… but now, they had to go home or the de Chagnys left so soon… too soon, and they did not meet again for a full week. She felt lonely on the other days of the week.
Erik did not seem to notice the problem. He thought he was just spending as much time with Mahtab as he did before, but to tell the truth, he wasn't right. He really preferred Florian or Noel, unintentionally these days. Noel was so good at learning magic tricks. They were playing card games and Erik said Noel will turn out to be an even more gifted illusionist than his father. And Flo… Flo was a musician, a child prodigy. Erik loved to play duos with him, Florian was a perfectly gifted violinist and pianist by the summer of 1894, when he was nearly 6 years old, and already he filled up a book with his compositions. They started to play Florian's music, and Erik was praising him oh so much… while Mahtab only received some casual "Nice work, Mahtab" or "Mhm, good" from Papa about a structural design. She wanted to be better than Flo, which resulted in many hours of violin practicing, but she wasn't getting any better than before. Christine noticed Mahtab's desperation and tried to talk to Erik, who did not want to accept the fact that he was emotionally neglecting Mahtab in the past few months. That's what he wanted to do the least, to be honest, and he did not notice he was doing it. Mahtab did not say him anything, so he did not know the child feels that way, he only assumed it was just Christine over-reacting about something, as it was her habit sometimes. And practicing certainly isn't a problem, he stated. Erik did not know that practicing wasn't out of so much love for the music any more as it used to be. Many tears and frustration had accompanied the melodies the small girl produced with that violin in the music room. As music did not get any better than before, she finally decided she will talk to Erik in foreign languages, mostly in Farsi to impress him. It worked out for some time, Mahtab got more praising from Erik for using correct Persian sentences and being able to talk to him about more and more subjects. But sadly, every miracle lasts for only three days, and the conversations in Farsi were soon only out of routine. No one was surprised about her skills, no one praised her for being so very clever. She was already a big girl, turning nine years old that November – she seemed to be less of an attraction. Being clever wasn't such an achievement for a nine- year old girl as it was of a six and a nearly four- year old boy. They were smarter.
Things only got worse when Christine came up with the idea that Florian won't be homeschooled like Mahtab. Erik and her spent an afternoon arguing about the subject in which Erik listed his reasons to disagree, but Christine Spöke was just as stubborn as Erik – if she wanted something, then she DID want something and no matter how stubborn and determined Erik was about the issue, she did not give up her decision. Flo was a healthy boy without any deformities, he can't be locked away from other children and be homeschooled, and same shall happen to Noel in two years. Even though they thought Mahtab did not hear them because she was practicing, she accidentally overheard the sentences about her deformity and it to be the reason she was always kept at home. She did not think things through yet, and she did not find out that these two things were logically connected. She imagined it was normal to be taught at home, but now, as her brother will go to school, she started to be so curious about it. She was begging Erik to buy a schoolbag for her as well, and her wish was granted, even though Erik knew well that she will never use it outside the house.
Erik left the house every morning with Flo to take him to school by the car and went to get him in the afternoon when fall came. She was left at home with Christine and Noel and the animals, no matter how much she wanted to go as well. Just one more addition to her feeling that Erik did not lie her that much anymore. Florian seemed to like school. It must be a great place, but no matter how much she wanted to go, Erik never allowed her to accompany them, not even only to the gate of the school. She stood sadly on the garden patch, holding the leather schoolbag, fully packed with her ABC book and pencils every morning while Erik's car disappeared from the road in front of the house.
In these days, when she walked back in the house with her unused schoolbag, she walked into Erik's study and picked up an empty booklet and started writing a diary. In this small book she wrote about the day's happenings, her feelings about them and sometimes she wrote small ideas or wishes of hers that were either granted or not. She mostly did not need gifts- just attention. Neither Erik nor Christine knew about Mahtab's diary. It was kept secretely in Mahtab's schoolbag, at least it was used for something.
As she wrote her diary, more and more times she realized the reason behind her separation from the world and her face were connected. She now knew it was a bad thing she did look like Papa. Up until this time, it was only natural to her, but she now had enough intelligence and life experience to word what the problem was with her. In her diary she started calling herself by that word her family never used to describe her: "ugly."
One day in late October, Christine stormed into Erik's study, where Noel and him were trying out some new card tricks, and gasped:
- Erik, please help, the child is ill.
- Which one? – He stood up from his chair.
- Mahtab.
- What has happened?
- She is complaining about stomach ache and she vomited. – She stated worriedly.
- Oh… only that? – Erik waved in the air with a sudden relief. – It means nothing serious, children tend to overeat. You gave her too much chocolate.
- And does eating chocolate cause shivers? – She leaned closer, and Erik was suddenly frightened by her look. – Would your highness be so kind to at least LOOK AT her before diagnosing?
- Of course, dear… stay here, Noel, I will be right back.
When Erik stepped into the master bedroom and found Mahtab in his bed, he turned to Christine.
- Why did you put her in MY bed?
- She was weak, she wanted to lay down.
- Yes, but she has an own bed, why in mine does she sleep if she is sick? She will vomit on my sheets.
- Selfish pig! – Christine yelled at him.
- Yes, just spoil them to no end. – Erik growled and walked closer to the child to examine her. – What's wrong, Mahtab?
- I am sick. – She whined.
- Well, go to your room and sleep there. You should feel better in a few hours.
By the evening Mahtab did not feel any better, on the contrary. She developed a fever, had the chills with constant stomach ache a very sore throat and she had trouble with swallowing things, even warm milk. She lay in her bed, crying from pain and Erik suddenly finally realized something was terribly wrong. He drove off to downtown to fetch Dr. Bonsanté and have Mahtab checked, while accusing himself of carelessness and being evil.
The doctor got noticeably uneasy after finishing the check up and softly announced that the girl had scarlet fever. Christine instantly fainted upon hearing the news, and while the doctor was reviving her with smelling salts, Erik packed all of Mahtab's beddig and the child herself, putting her to bed in the guest bedroom. He knew she had to be separated from the other children as far as possible and everything she touched shall be sterilized – scarlet fever was contagious and was able to cause awful illnesses. He briefly explained it to Christine as well, and sadly, Mahtab was fully aware of that fact: she heard everything. She is dangerous to her family! God… it is her fault if someone else will get sick!
Erik was the one who stayed with the girl as she was ill, and he made sure to lock the door leading to the guest bedroom in which they were staying in up until Mahtab will get better and won't be contagious and a potential danger for the rest of the family. Erik was sure it will be fine: he had scarlet fever in his childhood already, so he was the person who was the most suitable for nursing the child. Even though he was sure he won't get it, Erik cleaned everything several times a day which fact even made Mahtab more cautious about the whole illness. She was feeling lousy and Erik kept washing his hands any time he touched her. She felt herself so filthy and unneeded, even if Erik was kind and caring to her. He did not say anything bad even when she accidentally vomited all over the floor, but she was sad about it. Especially when she saw how heavy she was for Erik when he had to lift her out of bed. She was like a toddler in a teen's body, and Erik had hard time with his joints and Mahtab could see he had pain in his knees or elbows.
"It is because of me."
She was thinking about this the whole time. She had to spend her ninth Birthday in bed with her father taking care of her. Erik spent time with her, just as she wanted before, but she was too ill to be able to enjoy it. When she got the rash appeared on her skin, Erik was trying to make her laugh by showing her reflection in the mirror, but she only got disgusted of the sight. She was really THAT ugly.
She was finally starting to feel better after some days, even though her fever did not want to break too easily. Doctor Bonsanté did everything to make her feel better, and reassured her at every visit of his that she will get cured. Thankfully scarlet fever was not too serious with Mahtab. Many children died of that illness or got blind or had terrible illnesses leftover from it. She seemed to get cured normally.
Erik found Mahtab's diary while packing things at the children's room. He noticed the girl's beautiful handwriting, and rather by curious intents than by suspicion he started to read it. He knew he should not read other people's diaries, but to tell the truth, he had not spoken to Mahtab for a time as father and daughter and he wanted to find out what was on his daughter's mind lately. The things he read shocked him:
1st September, '94
Today was Flo's first day at school. I don't know what that place is like, but Flo seemed to like it a lot. He said he was with 19 other boys, just like him, and that they play outside, but they also will learn to read and write. I know I can read and write, but playing with kids would be fine. I wish I was there, but Papa does not let me go there…
7th September
Flo is six years old today. Happy Birthday Flo! Papa wrote him a piano piece which he can play. He plays beautifully and it makes me partly happy and partly sad. Papa never wrote me a piece because he knows I am not good enough to play it….
2nd October
We were trying to play a trio with Papa and Flo but I kept messing up my part, so Papa asked me to leave the room after some time. I know I am not good. I wish I was as talented as Flo… Papa would love me more if I was, I am sure. Papa used to love me more when I was small. He would always talk to me and put me on his lap. He would tell me I was so clever and so good. I guess I am not that clever any more compared to Flo or Noel. But they look different as well, maybe that is why Papa loves them more? Because I am ugly?
… I know I cannot go to school because I am ugly…
11th October
My throat hurts. I am not telling. No one cares. If I die, maybe Papa will be happier only with Flo and Noel. They are cute and I am ugly.
These were the most painful lines he read in his whole life. The diary contained similar entries of the other days as well, but these were the worst parts. He had no idea Mahtab had so awful thoughts about herself! What a monster he was for not even noticing his sweet little Persian Moonlight was in such an emotional despair! He rushed to the bed, knelt down to the bedside and took that small skeletal hand and leaned close to the child, kissing her cheeks endlessly. Mahtab opened her mismatched eyes, looking at Erik in a mix of astonishment and worry.
- Papa, don't kiss me!
- Why? – He asked with surprise.
- Because if you kiss me you get sick. I give you nothing but illness and death.
- God, what are you saying… - He gasped, hugging Mahtab close to himself, cradling her in his arms. – Mahtab… I love you! Please my dear child… forgive me. I treated you unkindly. I did not realize you were sad. I love you and will always love you so much… so… so much!
- Really, Papa?
- Yes. – He nodded, kissing her forehead. – More than anything.
With a relieved sigh, she closed her eyes and slept, knowing Papa was finally back to his old self, loving her.
Finally Mahtab got all better after they made peace with Erik, her recovery sped up. Doctor Bonsanté said there was no need for separation any more as the rash was already disappearing and she wasn't feverish any more. Mahtab could return to the children's room and her brothers were happy to see her.
- We missed you. – Flo hugged her and Noel patted her back.
- Yes, Mama told you are very sick. – Noel said. – I was afraid you will disappear.
- I won't. – Mahtab hugged both of her brothers, being happy that she means no more danger to anyone.
Sadly, trouble did not end there.
Just when everyone seemed to get calm about Mahtab's illness finally got healed, and forget all about the awful weeks it had caused, Erik started feeling lousy. He hoped it was only a nasal infection again, but as he had to rush to the bathroom to get rid of his stomach's contents, he realized it was something more serious. Checking his temperature validated his worry: he had fever. He sighed and wanted to visit the doctor by the car, but Christine ordered him to bed and went to fetch the doctor herself.
Mahtab was half- mad with worry and remorse, she was shaking from head to foot and bit her nails. It was because of her, she KNEW it. When the doctor finally arrived and examined Erik, he shook his head and sighed.
- Oh Erik, you have successfully caught scarlet fever.
- But that's impossible! – He retorted. – I had already had it.
- Erik, sadly getting sick with scarlet fever does not result in life-long immunity. You can get sick with it more times.
- God damn it… - Erik moaned.
- Just rest. – The doctor sighed. – I will come back later.
They left the room with Christine and headed to the drawing room, as the doctor wanted to have a few words with Christine. She knew it did not mean anything good. Mahtab followed them to the door of the drawing room, and was listening through the closed door worriedly.
- Oh Christine, I don't have good news.
- Why? – She asked softly.
- Erik shouldn't have stayed with Mahtab for too much time while she was sick.
- He cured her. – Christine said.
- Oh, God, no.
- Why, doctor, pray tell, what has happened?
- Scarlet fever is caused by the same toxin as rheumatic fever.
- God! – Christine screamed.
- Erik should have been separated from her the most. More than other children. I am afraid Erik's scarlet fever can turn into another case of rheumatic fever.
- Can you… prevent it?
- Yes, I try my best to do so, but Erik is not a young man, and the last time he had it, he nearly had complications caused by it. It can attack his heart…
- And cause his death…? – Christine whimpered.
- In the worst scenario… yes.
Mahtab gasped in horror upon hearing the shocking news. Her sweet Papa was maybe dying because of her. If she did not catch this illness that was the most dangerous for Papa, he would still live happily and healthily with Flo, Noel and Mama. Why did she have to be ill? Why? Maybe she really should have disappeared months before, maybe that is why Papa wasn't with her… maybe he felt something? She did not want to wait until her beloved Papa dies. He said then a person never wakes up and has to be buried under the ground. She does not want that. She only causes trouble. Things can't go on like this any longer. There was only one solution to that.
With a sudden determination she put on her coat, cap and boots, opened the front door and hurried through the garden path without being noticed by anyone in the house. It will be the best for everyone if her, the source of every trouble finally leaves the house and frees her family up from the misfortune she keeps causing them. If she truly loves them she has to do what's best to them, not her.
With her mismatched eyes full of tears, and still feeling a bit of weak from the illness, had lost a lot of weight so her coat was hanging on her skeletal body, she stirred her stump along the snowy road as fast as she could to leave the house behind.
