A/N
Hey… sorry, this story is getting rather dark… and rather heavy… I'm just running with the idea at the moment, but, eventually, things will pick up again.
Please review, if you'd like. Emz
xxx
In an instant Sara tore her hand away from Catherine's and lurched from the bad, but before she could get very far Catherine had grabbed hold of her 'Sara… Sara wait..'
'Let me go…' Sara yelled trying to get herself loose from the women's hold.
'No Sara…' Catherine said, voice firm.
'Please, I don't need your pity! I need to be alone!' Sara spat out
'You haven't got my pity' Catherine said in a surprisingly calm voice.
With that Sara stopped struggling and spun to around to look at Catherine 'What?' She whispered.
'I admire you, I think you're brave, smart, dedicated, passionate…strong… I admire you, I don't pity you. You've obviously been through a lot, which I can't even begin to understand, but I don't pity you. I am, however, worried about you, and I think you shouldn't leave anything bottled up any longer Sara. You need to tell someone what happened… Why not tell me?' Catherine said never once breaking eye contact with Sara, or stopping the gentle rubbing of her thumb over the hand she had found once again.
'I can't…' Sara mumbled dropping her head
'You can, Sara, you didn't tell me what you just did for pity, you told me because you can't keep it to yourself any longer. I'm not going to judge you, or pity you, I'm just going to listen, ok?' Catherine said, her voice gentle, as she reached out her other hand and bought it up to Sara's face to make the younger women look at her.
Sara searched Catherine's eyes, trying to figure out what Catherine's end game was, but all she saw was concern and care, slowly she nodded 'Ok' she whispered 'Ok'
Smiling slightly Catherine pulled the younger women closer to her, leaning against the headboard so they were half lying, half sitting in the bed.
'Whenever you're ready' she whispered, her hands making small circles on Sara's shoulder.
'Ever wonder why I work so much, and sleep so little?' Sara began
'Yeah…'
'It helps keep me distracted, if I'm working, I can stay focused, and shut everything else away'
Catherine didn't say anything, she didn't want to break Sara's flow of words, to break the younger women's train of thought.
'I'm a creature of habit… every year, for 12 years, on a…on a certain day, I would deliberately take an overdose on my medication…I wanted, no, needed, to dull the pain, and, on that day, always, without fail, I would take a scalpel, and drag it across my stomach.'
Catherine swallowed back a lump in her throat, but didn't dare interrupt the story, and Sara nestled herself further into Catherine's side, once again trying to make herself as small as possible.
'Evidentially, all of my attempts failed, for one reason or another, I just couldn't get it right. Then, on the..on the 13th year…anniversary… I.. I lost track of time… I was working in 'Frisco, and had already worked a double shift… it turned into a triple, and I spend my 28th Birthday counting and logging money in a 'kidnap gone wrong' case… I counted 300,000 dollars, and it took me all frickin day. I didn't stop, and I didn't have help, as the lab was understaffed, and the sheriff wanted the case wrapped up as quickly as possible. By the time I was finished, my Birthday was over, and I hadn't even realised. I felt strangely… calm… I'd tortured myself enough, and I realised what a coward I had been… I was glad all those previous attempts had failed, because that would have been the easy way out.'
Sara paused in her story telling, and took a few deep breaths, wondering if Catherine would speak or not, but she didn't. After a few more moments, Sara started to speak again.
'I figured it was karmic retribution or something. I shouldn't be allowed to rest when I was the reason…' Sara couldn't bring herself to say the next part, but Catherine gently squeezed her shoulder 'Go on…' she whispered.
'Rose was perfect, pale eyes, delicate features, a small amount of pale hair… she was perfect, and she looked nothing like me. She looked more like her father… my father… and I hated her for it… I know it wasn't her fault, I wanted so badly to love her, and I did, a little bit, but mostly, mostly, I hated her. I was left alone, in Foster care, with a screaming baby, that I didn't know how to look after… 'Sara was crying by now, her body shaking, her sobs wracking her body
'Shhh… it's ok… it's ok…' Catherine whispered, pulling the brunette even closer to her 'Wanna take a break?' she offered gently. For a moment she didn't think that Sara had heard her, but then she felt Sara shake her head against her body.
'The C-section really did a number on my body…I needed copious amounts of painkillers, and most of the time, someone was always with me and… with.. the baby… then one night, one of my foster brothers got in trouble, and, well, I was left alone with … with her, for the first time… whilst my foster parents went out. No one knew it was my Birthday. No one bothered to ask, and I didn't tell them. 'Sara's voice was surprisingly a little stronger now.
'I took some drugs… I don't remember what they were, but after an hour or so, they hadn't kicked in, so I took some more. I … I wasn't allowed to.. too breast feed… so, I made up some formula, and sat…I fed her, she looked so beautiful, and I began to allow myself to feel happy. Perhaps she hadn't been bought here in the best of conditions or reasons, but I could make her world so much better than my own. That was the plan.'
Sara pulled away from Catherine slightly, and rolled herself over so her back was to Catherine, she needed to put a little space between them.
'I fall asleep… I don't know how long… when I woke up, Rose was cold, and stiff, and blue… I'd smothered her, in my sleep…' Sara tried to pull herself further away from Catherine, but the older women's strong but gentle grip didn't allow her to move.
'What a great birthday present that was… I was 15, and I've barely slept since…'
Catherine once again bought Sara even closer to her, and placed a kiss in Sara's hair. She didn't say anything, but her grip on Sara was strangely relaxing, and didn't feel at all constricting. Catherine placed another kiss on Sara's head, her eyes closed, taking in everything Sara had said to her.
Sara carefully rolled over once more, she needed to see Catherine's face, to see if there was pity, or anger, or rage there. Catherine's face was hard to read, her eyes still closed, but as Sara turned, her grip tightened even more, and Catherine's hand rubbed calming circles on Sara's back, whilst once again Catherine placed a kiss, which now landed on Sara's forehead.
A flush rose up in Sara, which panicked her, her body trying to figure out if Flight or Fight was the best outcome right now. Before she knew what she was doing, she moved her head up, and pressed her lips to Catherine's.
