As soon as Catherine stepped into the room, she regretted having waited so long. Sara hadn't moved an inch since she had left, but she was shaking slightly, her skin covered in a light sweat, the alcohol flushing from her body taking its toll. The picture lay crumbled in Sara's hands, and she was staring off in to space.
'Oh Sara…' Catherine said quietly, her determination to help having grown even more seeing Sara like she was. She approached the bed, and sat on the edge. Silently she took the photo from Sara's hands and placed it on the table. Sara blinked slowly, and then turned to face Catherine, a small smile flashing on her face before falling again.
'I'm sorry I didn't come back straight away…' Catherine said quietly, moving to tuck a strand of hair behind Sara's ear. Sara just looked at her in confusion. 'I said I'd be 10 minutes, It's been over two hours Sara…' Catherine said, her fingers brushing lightly against Sara's neck.
'Oh…I didn't notice…' Sara mumbled, dropping her gaze into her now empty hands.
'How's Lindsey?' She asked, wondering if perhaps this was why Catherine had taken so long to get back to her.
'Oh… I…' Catherine was a bit stunned, how had Sara not noticed how long she had been, and why was this the first question that she asked. 'I…. Fine..She's with my Mum..or Sister…' she moved her hand away from Sara, almost in shame 'I don't know…' she confessed 'I haven't seen her since this whole thing started…'
'Oh…' Sara moved to turn away from Catherine 'I'm sorry for keeping you from your Daughter…' she closed her eyes. She didn't want to lose her emotions and composer in front of Catherine again, especially not whilst her mind and body were fighting against the alcohol withdrawals.
Catherine sighed, and placed her hand lightly on Sara's shoulder 'It's not your fault Sara…'
Sara just scoffed at this, and tried to shrug off Catherine's touch
'Sara, listen to me… You've had a shit few days, not to mention the rest of it, but it was MY choice to stay with you, MY choice to deal with it like I did, it was MY choice to do the things I did, YOU didn't make me do any of it. I know it's been a bit… a lot… complicated, that your hurting, that perhaps there are some things WE, I, Could have done differently, but I also know, that NONE of this is your fault. I chose to stay and be with you… Yes, Lindsey is my Daughter, yes, she needs her Mother, but she also has her Aunt, and Grandma, Family… a couple of days in the middle of the week, half of which she spent at school, away from her, isn't the end of the world… but you Sara, you had no one… no one to help, you needed someone, and I wanted to be that someone Sara… I want to be there for you…. Please Sara… Please let me help….' Whilst talking Catherine had leant over Sara, and now she was half sitting, half lying on the bed next to Sara.
'Please…' She added in a whisper when Sara had yet to respond after a few minutes.
'I don't know how to let you in…' Sara whispered.
Catherine smiled slightly, shifting again, she lay herself down behind Sara so she was spooning the younger woman in the small hospital bed. She draped an arm around her waist, her hand gently resting on Sara's stomach 'One step at a time… one step at a time…'
Sara moved her hand so it was resting on top of Catherine's, her skin was clammy, but Catherine said nothing.
'This is the longest I've been without a drink for…god…months…' Sara said quietly
'I know…'
'What if I can't do this Cat?'
'Do you want to do this? Get better?' Catherine asked, entwining their fingers together.
Sara didn't reply, she didn't know how too. She didn't know what she wanted right now, how to fix the mess she had found herself in.
'It's ok Sara… we'll just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time…'
Sara tightened her hold on Catherine's hand
'Cat?'
'Yeah…'
'How long has it been, exactly, since you came to the hotel room…'
Catherine thought for a moment 'Oh… I don't know… I guess… coming up to about 53 hours…maybe… I don't know…why?'
Sara took a deep breath, it seemed so little time for her world to have been completely turned upside down. 'I was wondering…if… could you do something for me?'
'Anything' Catherine whispered, leaning over and placing a kiss on the side of Sara's head.
'Could you stay… just until I fall asleep? And then, please… please could you leave… I… I… just please leave, for at least 53 hours… I want you to spend as much time with Lindsey as possible. You've wasted so much time with me, and I just… I just … I know I need help, and I want to let you in… I do… but… I also know these next couple of days are going to be horrible for me…'
Catherine made to interrupt, but Sara squeezed her hand, silently asking her not too
'PLEASE…I…I need to get through these next few days alone, I don't want anyone to see me. I need to try and get through this by myself, at least the first step… and I want…no… I NEED you to spent time with Lindsey… I appreciate everything you've done, that Nick, that the team did, but I've been selfish Cat, really selfish, I see that now. I need to fix this, and part of fixing this is staying away from anyone I can hurt… away from you… please… you need to spend time with your Daughter… don't let me fuck up what you have with her, I've already fucked up being a mother, I can't let you fuck up too…. Please Cat.. Please, just… just stay until I fall asleep… then you can go, and you needn't come back, not ever, not if you don't want to… if you can't stand seeing the woman who … who…'
Sara couldn't bring herself to finish what she was going to say, her crying had got more intense, her whole body trembling from the emotions and the abuse her body was going through in trying to flush out her system. Her mind was raging a war right now, the pull of alcohol so powerful, that it was only the I.V and Catherine's embrace keeping her from leaving the bed in search of the nearest drink. Hysteria began to take over, everything becoming too much to deal with.
'Rose…my Rose… my baby!' Sara started screaming, trying to rip herself out of Catherine's embrace.
Catherine hit the call alarm, and screamed out for a Doctor. It seemed to take forever for someone to respond, but in reality it had only been a few minutes. Sara was still screaming and thrashing in Catherine's arms, but her words were now almost incoherent, and the I.V had ripped out her arm in the struggle.
'What happened?' The Doctor asked, has calm demounr strange in the tense room
'She's having another panic attack… the withdrawals making it worse… I can't calm her down…' Catherine said, tears streaming down her face.
'Ok… Ok…' The doctor pulled a needle out of his pocket, whilst a nurse tried to get a read on Sara's vitals, but was unsuccessful.
'What triggered the attack?' The doctor asked whilst prepping the needle
'It's complicated… but the jist of it is, motherhood, and the death of her first child…' Catherine said wearily.
The doctor just nodded, Sara still thrashing in Catherine's arms.
'Ok… I'm going to sedate her… I'm going to have to stick this in her arm… I need your help to hold her…'
Catherine just nodded, the tears making it difficult to speak. The nurse and Doctor approached the bed, and they managed to inject Sara with the sedative. It took about a minute to kick in, and Sara slowly stopped thrashing and screaming. As her movements stilled, the nurse fixed the I.V. line, and Catherine slipped from the bed wordlessly, and left the room without looking back.
Xxxx
It had been hard for Catherine, but she had done what Sara had requested, and had spent some time with Lindsey, she had pulled her out of School on Friday, and had asked Grissom for some time off. At first he had been reluctant, with Sara in the hospital, but he had granted her 3 nights off, knowing that before this Catherine hadn't really had any time off in the past 3 months. It was now Tuesday morning, and Lindsey had gone to school. Catherine had stayed away from Sara like she had asked, demanded, begged. It had been nearly 90 hours since she had left Sara after she had been sedated, and just like it had been in the waiting room, the longer she left it, the harder it was to go back. She had rang the hospital several times a day, asking for an update, but had got very little. Sara hadn't accepted any visitors, and she wasn't talking to anyone. She had even refused to speak to Ecklie, who had found out about the whole series of events.
Sara had spent the past few days lost in her thoughts, barely sleeping, barely eating. The hospital counsellor had come to speak to her a few times, but hadn't got anywhere. All Sara could do was sit, and think, and stew. There was nothing to distract her, no case to work on, no beer to numb her pain, no one she wanted to speak to.
Late on Saturday morning, after a vomiting up her meagre breakfast, Dylan had stepped into the room 'You have a visitor Sara…' he said, standing at the foot of her bed.
'No… I.. I don't want to see anyone…' Sara said, lying back against the pillows
'I know… but he won't take no for an answer… says he's your boss…'
Sara looked up slightly at this 'Grissom?' she questioned
'No… Ecklie…' Dylan said a little unsure
'Oh…' Sara slumped back again
'Can I let him in?' Dylan asked, Sara just shrugged her response.
A few moments later, Ecklie stepped into the room, a look of disgust on his face.
'Do you want me to stay?' Dylan asked, sensing the tense atmosphere, Sara tried to say yes, but Ecklie spoke first
'No, that won't be nesscassry.'
Dylan quietly stepped from the room, but stayed just outside the door.
Sara just looked at Ecklie, but didn't speak. She pulled the cover a bit higher up her chest, even though she was very warm.
'Sidle…' Ecklie pinched the bridge of his nose 'Look… I've heard what happened… all of it… the team tried to cover it up, and just made it worse for you… as I suspected, your behaviour outside of work has caught up with you, and you have made yourself, the lab, and there for myself look like idiots…'
Sara just continued to stare at him
'You are a damn good criminalist Sara, you are one of the reasons we are no.2 in the country, but this…' he paused 'This has got to stop, otherwise you are out of here…' he paused again.
'Here's the deal… as of now, you are suspended for 2 weeks, and on probation for 4 months… mess up again, and you can kiss your career goodbye. That being said, you are suspended with full pay, the lab will pay for 1/3rd of your hospital bills, and 1/4th of your counselling… you will received full maternity benefits from your 8th month, and can take up to 7th months off…we will also arrange for a compensation pay out for injuries suffered from the incidence last year… on the condition that you stop drinking, stop carrying a gun for the foreseeable future, and attend at least 10 sessions of counselling… I'm being very generous here Sidle. The lab needs a criminalist like you, but it does not need the negative press and fallout from your stupid and reckless behaviour. I also need a written statement for your actions since leaving that Bar… if I find even the slightest hint of you messing up again, you will be out on your ass Sidle, and you won't have a chance in hell of changing my mind. Do I make myself clear?'
All this time, Sara was just staring at him in disbelief. She had not once thought about how her actions would or could affect her job or the people around her, or what her future now held. She certainly never expected this amount of bizarre support from Ecklie of all people.
'Do I make myself clear?' he repeated.
Sara just nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Ecklie nodded in reply, and left the room.
Sara closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on her breathing. The last thing she wanted right now was another panic attack, she hated waking up from being sedated, it was worse than waking up from a hangover, although it was a different kind of worse.
Since he had left, Sara had been firm in accepting no visitors. The worst of the withdrawals were over, but her mind still craved a drink. Her appetite was low, the morning sickness playing havoc on her body. The only food she seemed to manage was Watermelon, her first pregnancy craving.
Dylan had placed a c.d player in her room, and the sounds of jazz were almost always playing now. It gave Sara something to focus on, a slight distraction. On Sunday evening, she had got out of bed, something she had only done to use the bathroom before, and she stood by the window, looking out over the city. Slowly, carefully, holding the I.V pole she was still attached to, she started to dance to the music that was playing, her spirits lifting gradually. After about 15 minutes, so was tired, it was the most she had done in days. Instead of moving back to the bed, she moved and sat in the chair, and took the photo from the table.
Resting her hand on her stomach, she looked at her ultrasound picture for the very first time, a tear falling down her cheek, a smile forming on her face.
'My beautiful baby' she whispered.
Xxxx
A/N – I really wanna carry on writing, but I also need to get ready for work… hopefully write again later. Emz.
