A/N 1- Thanks for the reviews so far.
I realise the last chapter may have been a little confusing, with regards to Catherine's behaviour, so I would just like to clarify something that was pointed out to me (Things like this will help make me a stronger writer, so please, please, do point out if there are any others things…)
why Catherine was such a bitch to Sara in a moment like that? just to crawl back to her the next second? that was a bit harsh and out of context but besides that I liked the chapter.?(referring to Catherine's reaction to Sara telling her she loved her, and then at the end of the chapter, kissing Sara in the bed… ) Hey,
Thanks for taking the time to read and review
Yes, that was a harsh reply, but I was trying to convey how Catherine was feeling just as confused and vulnerable as Sara, and with words like that (after Eddie, Chris...other Catherine exes) she would find it hard to believe, also, this was the main point, how she knew Sara was replacing her focus on alcohol on to something else (cat) and how it wasn't healthy.
Sorry if it was confusing. , I wanted to show the vulnerable messy situation, but also how cat wouldn't abandon her, and was struggling with her own attraction and feeling towards Sara...
Hopefully will clarify in next chapter (( this isn't resolved in this chapter, as the counselling session takes a different turn, as you will see if you read on, anyway, thanks for reading and sticking with this story if you have got this far, Emz))
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Doctor Hardinge was tall and slim, with olive skin and long dark hair, she was of English-Greek mix, and had come to America to further her practice of counselling nearly 5 years ago. She had yet to have a proper session with Sara, as each attempt this far had been met with a stubborn silence, or had been badly timed with Sara's bad mood or sick periods. The surprise to see Sara now, not only in a good mood, and with company, but caught in a passionate embrace was both a blessing and a curse to the Doctor who now stood in the room. She allowed the two women before her a moment or two to compose themselves, the blonde woman flustered from being caught.
Catherine picked up her bag 'I should go…' she mumbled, eyes looking down at the floor
'I want you to stay… please…' Sara said quietly, pushing herself up in the bed, and swinging her legs around so she was perched on the edge. Catherine bought her eyes up to Sara's, and then looked over at the Doctor, unsure what to say, or if she would be allowed.
'Sara…' Dr Hardinge began 'Although it's nice to see you in a better, and responsive mood, I don't think it's appropriate, right now, for…' she gestured to Catherine '…her to stay. Until I can establish what your issues are, and give you help and support, I don't want anyone else in the room… perhaps after 3 or so sessions, this may change.'
Sara frowned, head hanging low
'Look Sara, you may not like it, but I'm taking charge here…you don't leave here without my say so, and you need to finishing 10 sessions as part of your agreement with the Crime Lab…I'll give you both a moment or two, but after that, I'm sorry Sara, but she needs to leave…'
'Catherine… her name is Catherine…' Sara whispered, her mood for moments before drastically changing once more.
Catherine stepped up to the bed, and pulled Sara into a quick embrace 'It's ok Sara, you'll be ok, just remember…minute by minute ok? I'll come back later, I promise'
Sara nodded her head a little, and mumbled into Catherine's chest 'When?'
'Later… I need to go to work for a bit….Meeting with Conrad, paperwork… crimes to solve…'
Sara just nodded again, and pulled away from Catherine. Before she had almost been looking forward to speaking to someone, especially if it meant she could go home, but now that the moment had come, she was starting to feel anxious and sick, and she didn't know if it was something she could do without Catherine by her side, but it looked as if she would have to, if ever she wanted to leave the hospital, to get her life back on track.
Catherine walked out of the room without another word, trying to keep her composure, seeing Sara yo-yo like she was, was rather hard to deal with.
Doctor Hardinge, Sylvia, sat in the chair next to Sara's bed, thinking carefully about the next thing to say. She had been trying to speak to Sara every day since her admittance into the hospital, but so far had had no luck. Today had looked promising, until she had made Catherine leave the room.
'I'm sorry about that Sara… but truly and honestly, I am here to help, and subjects may come up that you will feel awkward talking about if someone else is here, I can only help if you are truthful with me, and having Catherine here may prevent you from being honest. Do you understand?' She asked, her voice the right balance of professional and concerned.
Sara just nodded, not yet trusting her voice.
'Do you want to try a session today?'
Sara took a long time to respond, she really did want and need help, to leave, but the thought of actually trying to talk about everything she had gone through, to properly analyse it all, terrified her. She had told Catherine, and Nick, a little of her past when in the Hotel, but it had seemed different. Now she didn't know what to do, and the itching for alcohol wasn't helping. She was no longer proud of her 6 days sober, but wishing to drink more than normal to make up for it. The rate with which her mood and feelings changed scared her. She knew there was only so much she could blame on her hormones, and once again, that was something that left her feeling confused.
'I don't know where to start…' she confessed, trying to talk normally
'I know… don't worry about that, I'll start, and we'll see how things go… '
Sara nodded again
'Before we start, I just want to lay out how things will work out… You need to attend 10 sessions, at least, for the safety of your job…I will not discuss the specifics of the sessions with anyone without your permission, but I do need to give your boss, Conrad Ecklie, an overview, this will also affect your ability to carry a gun, both professionally, and personally. The progress you make, will have a bearing on when you can leave here. From a physical point of view, you are able to leave by tomorrow evening, and there technically isn't anything stopping you from checking yourself out at any point, but you need to bear in mind, that in doing so, overall, it will just be a negative effect, and my reports back will not be written in the best light. This isn't meant to sound like a threat, or blackmail, but it is meant to help you see that there is a lot at stake here… do you understand all of this?'
Sara shifted so she was once again lying down in the bed, hiding under the covers, if she was going to expose herself like this, she wanted as much physical comfort as she could right now 'Yes, I understand Sylvia'
'Good' Sylvia shifted in her chair, pulling out a notepad to write key things down as she went
'What now?' Sara asked picking at the threads of the blanket once more
'Is there any particular topic you want to get out of the way first? Anything at all…'
Again she was met with silence 'Ok, how about we start with what has bought you here, your addiction to alcohol? When did it start?' she asked
'It's complicated' Sara whispered
'How?'
'It's tied up with so many others things… I don't know how to untangle them… it's like… 'Sara paused, trying to think of how to explain it so it made sense 'It's like…when your house is a tip, and it needs cleaning.. so you think, you'll start in the kitchen, and you get so far, but before you can finish, you have to do something in the bedroom, but before you can finish that, you have to do something in the bathroom…. You end up needing to do at least 3 other jobs before you can even finish the job that you started, and even then, before you're done, the cycle starts again… am I making any sense?'
'Yes Sara, you're making sense… I used to work in a supermarket, the stock room sounds exactly like that, complicated and overcrowded.'
'Yes… it's overwhelming.' Sara said
'Ok… so, let's start simply, like in your analogy, let's start in the kitchen…'
Sara couldn't help but smile a little at this 'Ok… I've been drinking since I was… God… I've never even thought about this before… let's see…first time I broke my wrist… oh, since I was 12…'
Sylvia didn't look surprised, or shocked by this, just nodded, keeping her professional mask on 'You've been an alcoholic since then?' she asked, rising one eyebrow slightly
'No… No…I became a little… dependant… about… 5 years ago, before I came to Vegas, I was in 'Frisco before, but it really was nothing serious…I became addicted sometime in the past year…past few months…'
'Ok, what triggered this?'
Sara closed her eyes, shifting in the bed 'I had a miscarriage… I thought it was a twisted blessing in disguise… that I was dealing with it… but things got out of hand… my due-date came around… I hit rock bottom… '
'You received a caution for a DUI, but no charges made…you were asked to see someone from PEAP…'
'Yes…'
'Did you?'
'Twice… I lied my way through the sessions, didn't go back.'
'Why did you lie in the sessions?'
'No one knew about the Baby…' Sara confessed quietly
'How come you didn't tell anyone, ask for support…'
'I told the Father, but we'd already broken up at this point, I didn't even know if I wanted, or could, keep it. I was still deciding, when it was decided for me… there was an accident at work… that's how I lost it.'
Sylvia nodded in understanding, although Sara clearly still had a lot more to say, she was beginning to understand.
'How did you feel afterwards?'
Sara rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. She had spent more time in bed in the past week, than she normally spent in a month, not counting the times she had fallen into a stranger's bed, and she was getting restless, but at the same time she didn't want to leave the comfort and protection it held for her. To leave it would be to expose herself more to the world, and she wasn't ready for that right now. She could however put a bit more distance between herself and the Doctor. She felt ashamed at her next words
'Relieved… at first, I was relieved… then I felt guilty…then remorseful, confused… out of control… and lastly I felt that it was nothing more than I deserved… but at first… when I was lying in pain on the bathroom floor, bleeding, I felt relieved.'
Sylvia's brow furrowed 'Why were you relieved?'
'My first baby died… I didn't feel as if I deserved a second child…I didn't believe I would cope, that I would be a good mother, not after what happened… I was relieved that I would never have to find out how much of a shitty mother I would be the second time around.' Sara somehow managed to keep her voice calm, but her hands were twisting in the blankets even more furiously now.
'I'm sorry Sara, I'm sorry you felt like that… ' Sylvia paused, wondering in which direction to take first, the death of her first baby, or the extreme reaction caused by the miscarriage of the first. Sara seemed to sense this, and didn't want to talk about either subject right now.
'Can we talk about something else… please… I can't do this right now…'
Sylvia sighed, not feeling too happy, but she didn't want to end the session all together 'Sure, but we have to come back to them at some point…'
Sara nodded, shifting on to her side again
'I was given a brief rundown of what happened in the Hotel Sara, so I would know what areas needed to be covered…can we talk about that?'
'OK….'
'Was this the first time you were raped Sara?'
'No…' she choked out, a wave of nausea rolling over her, she reached for the water and took a few sips.
'Have you ever reported them, or receive counselling about them?'
'I tried… I … I had my virginity taken when I was 11…had a baby at 15…until then, no one believed me… mind you, I only told 2 people, my mum, and a teacher… I don't know why they didn't listen… well, at the time, I didn't… I do now… I was raped a few times in foster care, didn't dare tell anyone… and again in college… in my adult life… I've even been raped a handful of times within my career as a CSI, So, No, I haven't reported them, at first I was too scared, then no one believed me, then I didn't see the point, or couldn't prove it… alcohol really does cloud the judgement, and people in high places, and crooks get away with things… '
'Sara….'
'Just say it…' Sara snapped
'How did it keep happening, it doesn't sound like it was the same person all those years?'
'It wasn't…'
'Sara…'
'Look, you try being in my shoes, I wanted to tell someone, but I didn't want or need the ridicule, the embarrassment, the judging, First my father, then 2 of my foster dads, random people from college, clubs… not just men, a criminal who was found dead in an unrelated matter, one that was arrested for a burglary that ended in accidental manslaughter… cases on which my friends and colleagues worked…no, I wasn't having it, I wasn't bringing my mess into it. Then there was the corrupt judge…. And god only knows who else… for over half of them I was so heavily intoxicated, or in a public space like a club toilet, that I knew no one would believe me… but do you know what, it didn't stop me from clubbing, or drinking, not really, I still went out, looking for a good time, trying to take control of MY sex life, of my body, trying to break even from the horrors of it all, but for all the people I slept with because I WANTED TO, someone else came along and took that control away from me, so no, I haven't reported it, or dealt with it, because who the fuck would believe me, and who the FUCK WOULD CARE!' Sara screamed, getting louder and louder, more and more hysterical once more. Sara broke down crying, years of frustration and keeping it all slowly being released.
Sylvia sighed, and dropped her notebook into her lap, and for the first time in her career, had to wipe away the tears that were falling down her face.
Xxx
A/N 2 –I think this has reached a good break-point, partly because the chapter is long already, 2300 odd words, partly because I have to get ready for work… I don't think it's the end of the counselling session though… we shall see. Hopefully have time to write again on Sunday, if not this, my other story – Communes and Tattoos. Please review if you can.
Thanks, Emz.
