A/n –Hey! Found some time to write…. Just a warning, this gets pretty heavy, as Sara opens up about her various rapes… all part of the recovery process… will be back to something a *tad* lighter soon, but all in all, it is a rather heavy story…. Emz…
Xxxxxx
Sylvia stayed quiet for a while, allowing Sara to cry and unleash the years of anger, when the crying stopped, she cautiously placed her hand over Sara's arm for a moment and said, voice even 'Your friends care, Catherine cares, I care. We all want to help you Sara, no one will judge you or blame you, but you need to stop blaming yourself'
Sara nodded her hear slightly, acknowledging the words, but couldn't bring herself to speak
'Do you blame yourself for all the rapes you have suffered? Do you believe that you deserved them?' Sylvia asked, leaning back in her chair, she knew it was a harsh question, but it was also a necessary one.
'Yes' Sara choked out
'Why?' She asked
'Because I kept putting myself in those situations, because I wasn't strong enough to say no, even when I was sober'
'You're a criminalist, do you ever blame rape victims for the assault they have been through, or do you blame the person who attacked them?'
Sara shook her head 'No, Never, I've never blamed a victim'
'So why do you blame yourself? Why do you think you deserved it?' Sylvia asked, watching Sara closely
'It's what I know… what I've been told, and conditioned to believe… what my Father beat into me, when he was hitting my Mother, he told her she deserved it, that it was her fault…he said the same to me, when he started to beat me…I was 8… when he raped me, he said it was because it was the only way I'd learn to be a woman, that it was my fault for being the fairer sex, that it was my fault he didn't have any cigarettes or booze… he raped me for the first time when I was 11, and raped me another 7 times before he was killed…not all the time, just every so often, when my Mother wasn't there, or her hormones got in the way… he died when I was 14… then two of my foster dads raped me, saying I deserved it, having being bought up like I was, and besides, it wasn't like I was innocent… I ran away the very next day on both occasions… then there were the times in college, in adult hood, where alcohol clouded my judgement… where I would change my mind half way through, but they wouldn't stop… so yes, I deserved them, I deserved every beating, every bad word, every rape, and none of it had stopped me drinking, made me question my ways, I've just carried on… I've just taken every rape, feeling numb. It's what I expect from men, I just deal with it. I came close to reporting a rape in my adulthood, only once, but it's hard enough to prove it when I man rapes a woman, so I knew I had no chance of proving it, or being believed, when a woman first raped me. Dealing with my sexuality is confusing and hard enough as it is, without someone judging me for allowing myself to be raped by someone of the same sex, even if once again I deserved it. I'd lead them on, flirted with them, danced with them… kissed them… I wanted them, we were too desperate to wait to leave the club, so we found ourselves in the club bathroom… we were just beginning to get intimate…' Sara paused, took a deep breath, and pushed herself to continue 'We were just beginning to get as intimate as you can in a toilet stall, when I opened my eyes, took notice of my surroundings… I changed my mind, I asked her to stop… she didn't. She didn't care… she pulled my trousers down, forced her fingers inside, had me pinned up against the wall… my back was to her… turned out she was wearing a strap-on, whilst her fingers violated me, she…she…she forced the strap-on in to me from behind… I'd been raped like that before…. But this was something else… it hurt more than I thought it could, it was unusually large, and she forced it all the way in… I was left bleeding, and sore, but the worst of it was, was my body's betrayal to myself, as unwanted as they were, her fingers were talented, and my pleasure-pain receptors got confused, the alcohol not helping….. she bought me to orgasm before she was finished, and then she pushed me to the floor, spat on me, and told me she knew I'd enjoy it, so I was stupid to have tried to make her stop… 'Tears were silently streaming down Sara's face, her whole body shaking.
Sylvia had once again dropped her notebook into her lap, and after waiting for a few moments, she asked 'When did this happen?'
'My last week in San Francisco… so, about 4 years ago… I want to report it… I'm a CSI, I knew I should have… but I couldn't… I didn't want anyone to know… I try not to think about it all… but I can't help it… perhaps if I had reported one of them, the others wouldn't have happened… I try not to think about how many other victims there may be, how many other people have been violated at the hands of my many abusers, all because I've kept quiet for so long… but then I remind myself that it's all my fault… that I deserved it, that surely the people who did this to me, wouldn't ever to that to anyone else… it makes me feel a little better… a little less guilty… but it's also driven me to drink more and more… to work harder and harder at my job… I've never gotten justice for myself… I try and get it for other people…'
'Listen to me Sara, none of this was your fault, none of it, you don't let other victims believe it, so you need to let yourself believe it too, I know it's difficult, but it's something you need to do, to help you move on, the get better. To stop the drinking, the destructive behaviours, the self-harming, the suicidal thoughts and attempts… . I can't force you to think differently, but I can be here to help you work through all of this, to get you back on track… will you let me? Will you let Catherine and I help?'
Sylvia reached over to hold Sara's hand, she didn't normally engage in physical contact with her clients, but she felt that with Sara, some of her normal rules would go out the window.
Sara could only nod, wiping the tears away once more
'Sara, if you don't want to talk about this anymore, we can change subject, or stop the session, but before we do, I do need to ask you something very important, ok?' Sylvia asked, rubbing her thumb gently over the back of her hand, Sara once again nodded 'Have you ever been tested at clinics for STI's and STD's? You've had a lot of partners, consensual or otherwise… You didn't know you were Pregnant Sara, what else might you not know about?'
Sara nodded 'Yeah… Yeah, I go to a different clinic every couple of months or so… normally I'm careful, use protection, as are the people who assault me… DNA profiling is big knowledge now… I guess a condom must have split… and no, I have no idea who the father could be, I slept with 3 different people, and was raped once during the 2 weeks window the conception could have been… the hospital have run further checks here, I'm all clear on that front' Sara smiled weakly, resting her hand once again on her stomach. 'Thanks…' she whispered after another silence 'Thanks for listening… for letting me get it out… ' her confidence grew a little 'I want to stop now, but I also want to get out of here…I want to talk about one more thing, please… before we end…'
Sylvia just nodded, gesturing for Sara to continue
'I want to talk about Catherine' Sara said, a small smile lighting up her face, as she sat up in the bed, wanting to give the subject all of her attention.
Xxxxx
A/N Thanks for making it through this heavy chapter… once again I need to stop writing, as I really need to get to sleep, as I have work early in the morning…. Next chapter should finish of the first counselling session, and then Brass and the guys may just well visit Sara. Review if you can. Thanks, Emz.
