Sara started awake when the phone rang, but she reached over for it, and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she answered 'Sidle'

'Hey Sara, it's Grissom'

'Oh, hey…'

'I was just wondering how you were?'

Sara rolled over to look at the clock 'Griss, it's 3 am, I was sleeping…'

'Oh… I'm sorry, I should have realised…'

'It's ok Griss… really…' Sara sat up in bed, and rubbed at her eyes again 'It's not your fault that my reputation for staying up for 3 straight days is crumbling… I've slept more the past few days then the past month or so… How's the lab?' she asked.

'Ok, everyone's missing you… most people know somewhat of what happened… it's quiet without you here, but it's also very busy, rebalancing the work load…'

Sara cut him off 'I'm sorry my illness and suspension has meant everyone else has had to stop slacking!' she was close to slamming the phone down

'Sara… Sara…' Grissom tried to cut in

'What!' she snapped

'I didn't mean it like that, I just meant that we look forward to having you back… we all care about you. I care about you.'

Sara sighed, running her hand through her hair. There was so much she could say to that.

'I know… I miss you all too… I um… I have another session in the morning; I need to get back to sleep…'

'Of course, good night Sara…'

'Night…' Just as Sara was about to hang up, she changed her mind 'Grissom…' she called out, hoping he was still on the line

'Yeah?' came his soft reply

'I'm still on suspension for 8 days, but perhaps you could clear it with Ecklie that I could come in tomorrow at beginning of shift… not to work, but, just to say hi… if you can…'

'Of course…' Grissom paused for a moment 'Sara I…I hope all goes well tomorrow…'

'Thanks… night Griss…'

'Night' with that, they both hung up. Sara slumped back down into the bed, hoping for a few more hours sleep. Before she could get too comfy though, her bladder had her up. She sighed, knowing it would only get worse as the pregnancy progressed.

Xxx

A light knocking came at the door, and Sara was once again startled awake 'Sara…' Brass called 'You need to get up, your appointments in a couple of hours, and you said you'd ring Catherine before you went…'

Sara groaned, and hid her head under the pillow, trying to ignore him. A few minutes later, another knock came, and this time Jim walked into the room 'Come on sleepy head, I bring tea!'

Sara groaned, but sat up, taking the offered cup 'I miss coffee!'

'I know, but too much coffee isn't good for the baby'

'Yeah… I know… it survived all that booze though… I think… I hope, I've got one tough baby in here…' Sara smiled, rubbing her belly affectionately.

'If baby is anything like mother, I'm sure it's doing great'

Sara took a sip of her tea, but said nothing.

'Come on… out of bed…'

Sara reluctantly agreed, and finishing the last of her tea, she handed the cup back to Brass and got out of the bed

'Alright alright, I'm up'

Xxxx

Sara had spoken to Catherine 3 times since she'd had to leave to get Lindsey to school. The first conversation had been a little awkward, as Sara still felt embarrassed about her reaction to being left, despite Jim's reassurances. The second conversation had been much better, as Catherine had filled her in on her afternoon with Lindsey, and the third conversation had Sara explaining the late night call from Grissom, and her plans to come in later to see everyone. Catherine had wished her luck with the session, with a promise to be there if needed as soon as it was over. She had even offered to go with her, but Sara wasn't quite ready for that just yet. She knew what she wanted to talk about. What she needed to talk about.

Now Sara was sat in the hospital waiting room in the psychiatric unit, waiting for Sylvia to call her into her office. The seriousness of the sessions wasn't lost on Sara, but having gone from talking in a hospital bed, to talking in a more official setting made her feel very nervous.

Soon enough, Sylvia stepped out and called Sara over

'Hi Sara, how are we feeling today?'

'Ok thanks…' She tried to sound confident. She had allowed Brass to drive her to the hospital, but insisted she didn't need him to wait with her. She wouldn't be truly alone with the hospital staff milling about, and she had to get used to it eventually.

'Good… 'Sylvia frowned a little, Brass' absence not lost on her, and she wasn't too happy about

'Where's Captain Brass?' she asked as Sara sat down in a chair, her hands beginning to fiddle with the hem of her top

'Oh… he drove me here, but I assured him I would be ok whilst I waited… there were people around…' she looked at the floor, not wanting to see Sylvia's reaction.

'You know the conditions I gave…'

'I know…' Sara nodded, willing the tears not to flow 'But I haven't been alone, not even for a minute…I'm ok… really… I'm not going to do anything stupid… not now, not anymore…'

'Ok' Sylvia just nodded, and then pulled her notebook into her lap 'What do you want to talk about today? I have a suggestion for topics to cover if you don't have anything specific in mind…'

'No… No, I do, I have something I need to talk about… '

'Ok' Sylvia said no more, and waited for Sara to begin

'Luck, Lies and Deceit' Sara said at last, clenching and unclenching her hands

'I'm sorry?'

'Luck, Lies and Deceit' Sara repeated 'It's how I survived so long, after so many attempts on my own life…perhaps I should start at the beginning…'

Sylvia just nodded, but encouraged Sara to go on.

'The night that Rose died… I took one of my Foster family's scalpels… the son made little models… anyway, I took it… I lay Rose down in her crib… I knew I'd be arrested if they knew it was my fault… I tried to cover it up… then I sat in the chair, and sliced my belly open…' Sara wiped away a tear, and tried to compose herself.

'I don't know how long I was there… a few hours maybe… I hadn't cut as deeply or as badly as I thought I had… the blood clotted quickly… my Foster Mum found me and Rose…she knew instantly she was dead… she roused me, cleaned me up… she used to do nursing before she broke her leg and found she couldn't manage the work anymore… then she took me to a facility… I never went back to that home' Sara got up and started to pace the room, tugging at the sleeves on her top. 'I was there a couple of weeks, had therapy… it worked. I was placed in a second home. All was well, until the first anniversary… I fall apart when some girl a few years above me in school announced she was pregnant… I lost it… went back home, found a scalpel… the family there had an antique set passed down from their great granddad or something… I did what I'd done a year before… only this time, no one found me… but it didn't matter, because, as you can see, I survived it. I cleaned up, told no one. The next year, another home… they caught me, kicked me out… no facility this time… the streets… each year I'd find myself somewhere new, surrounded by different people. Sometimes I was found, sometimes I wasn't. No one questioned the other scars. Mostly I was told to grow up, that I needed help, but no one gave it to me. I finally got help when I was 18. But, once again, I faked my way through it all…'

'Why?' Sylvia asked, speaking up for the first time

'I don't know really… seemed like a good idea, at the time. I was able to pass off the older scars as self-harming and not the suicide attempts they really were… I did clean up my act, worked hard at school, college…wanting to keep up appearances… after a while, even I started to believe I was ok… just before my 19th Birthday, a friend of mine died in a car accident… it set me off again… the next time I was…found… I was 23… it was the worst attempt yet, I'd slowly been learning how to… perfect it… it really was touch and go. It was also the first year I'd combined cutting with alcohol… and pills… sleeping pills… I was so fed up of getting it wrong, of failing at dying… I had to drop out of University because of it, which now, I regret, which is stupid, because back then it wouldn't have mattered, if I had died. I spent 3 months in a facility. But, once again, I just manipulated my recovery… lied my way through sessions… The next couple of years weren't as bad. I didn't use all 3 methods… normally just the booze… It was always a scalpel though… some I found, some I bought. Some I bought months in advance. A couple of times through the years, I thought about not doing it… I had good friends, or a good job… that kinda thing, but by then, it was tradition… it wasn't until my 27th birthday that the cycle was broken… what a case… all that money, all that counting… I swear, sometimes when I close my eyes I can still see the serial numbers… On my 28th Birthday, for the first time in forever, I was happy to be alive. I was happy to have survived. I still had low points, but I no longer wanted to end it all. I found other ways to combat the darkness. Work…Sex…Alcohol… I found Hank eventually… and well, then the lab got blown up, and I spiralled again. Then I truly found Work, Sex and Alcohol. Then the scalpel slipped back into my life… I'd been going through some old evidence… found an antique scalpel that we thought was used in a crime, but wasn't… it wasn't returned though, as the owner had killed a load of people… of course, this happened on what would have been my due date… and so, I saw it as a sign… the next day, as soon as I could, I bought a scalpel.'

Sara slumped back into the chair, and wiped angrily at her tears, fidgeting and restless.

Sylvia allowed the silence, sensing there was more that Sara needed to say

'This time it wasn't about death' Sara said at last 'It was about suffering… punishment… things spiralled…. It's how I ended up here. I've never told anyone that before… not the whole story…'

Sylvia once again sat in silence. She knew Sara had no more to say on the matter, that it had taken a lot out of her, and now she was trying to formulate the best response. That confession had helped open up a dialogue, but Sylvia didn't know in which direction to take it first. Eventually she decided to tackle the issues head on

'Do you still have that scalpel, or anything else sharp you may be tempted to use?'

'Yes'

'And, are you tempted?'

Sara didn't reply.

'Sara, I can't help if you don't talk to me, and if you don't talk to me you lose your job, if you continue to not talk to me, you lose your baby'

Sara began to shake and cry 'Please don't… Please don't…'

'I don't want to Sara, but unless you talk to me, really talk to me, that's just how things are going to work out…do you want that?'

'No…' Sara choked out 'No… Yes, I'm tempted, but I won't… I haven't…I've been sober all this time, and I haven't cut for nearly 3 weeks anyway…I swear…the cutting has always been easier to avoid than the drinking…historically I've been all the way or nothing… please believe me…'

Sylvia just sighed, and set her notebook down, and leaned forward, voice softening 'How many suspects, criminals, bad guys, have you interrogated over the years Sara?'

Sara paused, confused, but thinking. If she was being asked the question, it was obviously of some importance. 'Oh.. I don't know… 'Sara paused, making a quick calculation '3744 interrogations and interviews over the past 8 years… why…'

Sylvia paused, slightly side-tracked 'How… How can you reach such a… specific… number…?'

'Easy, numbers are what I'm good at. They don't lie, they follow logic, and I have a good memory for cases… of the 3744, 1634 were found guilty, but only 1285 were convicted… of those 983 are still in prison, 161 completed their sentences, 40 had their sentence over turned, 73 either died or were killed in prison, and the remaining 28 committed suicide.. of course, I've actually worked 4581 cases in my… 8 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, 2 days and… 13 hours of being a CSI… but not every case needs an interrogation , or if they did, I wasn't a part of that process… would you like the figures on those cases… or the figures on my time at the coroner's office?' Sara said, a spark of excitement in her eyes. She loved to talk about numbers. It was something that calmed her. They just made sense.'

'I uh…' Sylvia was truly at a loss for words for the first time in her career, and had lost the point she had been trying to make in the first place.

'I believe you were going to ask me how avoiding cutting was easier, when, as admitted, I'd try to go all the way before, and never cut myself in the interims… that I must be used to people lying to me and the team, to cover up evidence, motives etc, and that perhaps I was lying to you now… after all, I've admitted to lying in the past… am I right?'

Sylvia could only nod

'I haven't cut in 3 weeks.. I can be more specific, if you like… Yes, I'm still depressed, that won't go away any time soon… No, I didn't know I was pregnant, Yes, I'm terrified, and ashamed, and everything in between, but no, I would never willingly or actively do anything to harm the life inside of me. I'm still trying to get used to this third chance, and I feel awful that I didn't even realise I was pregnant… that perhaps I never would have realised if it hadn't shown up in my blood work, but I won't do anything to endanger this. Am I tempted? Is a Diabetic tempted by the candyfloss? Always. Do they give in? Sometimes, maybe. But me, never, not whilst I'm pregnant.'

As Sara was speaking she had gotten louder and louder, but at her last statement, she had once again gone quiet, and it had come out close to a whisper. She sat staring at the floor.

'Thank you for your honesty Sara. I think this has answered a lot of questions, and given me a lot of insights… I just have a few more questions though, before we can call it a day… '

Sara just nodded, once again fiddling with her sleeves

'You said 'whilst I'm pregnant', are you already thinking of the opportunity that will come in a few months?'

Sara shook her head adamantly 'No, No… I don't want to think like that anymore… I truly want to get better… I have support now, the medicines are helping…'

'Ok… are you still seeing Catherine?'

'Yes… but I'm trying not to rely on her so much. We've spent some time apart. It's doing me good'

'Ok, who are you spending your time with then?'

'Captain Brass. He's only not been there if Catherine has been… later I'd like to see everyone from work… see them before I start work again…'

'I don't think that's such a good idea Sara, it could be… overwhelming…' Sylvia leant back in her chair.

'I know… but if I don't do it now, I might never have the courage, and I'd rather do it before I have to go back to work… get all the awkwardness out of the way sooner rather than later.' Sara tried to smile

'Ok. Does anyone know about your relationship with Catherine?'

'Nick… and Brass… I'm not sure about anyone else… Lindsey might know, I'm not sure, that's Catherine's daughter.'

'Ok Sara… well, I think we best leave it here for now, but I'd like to set up another appointment. Would tomorrow afternoon be ok?'

'Yes… that's fine… Thank you…'

'Just before you go, I want to check your weight etc… are you eating?'

'A little… Still get morning sickness at all hours of the day… you know, it's odd, I'd been sick a few times before finding out, but I just put it down to being over tired and drinking too much. Now, looking back, it seems so obvious what was making me sick… also, it seems now I know all of the Pregnancy symptoms have hit me at once…'

Sylvia smiled a little as she weighed Sara 'Hmmm… You're still a little underweight Sara, especially for this stage in your pregnancy…why don't you try some protein shakes?'

'Ok'

'I just want to take some bloods, save you having to make a separate appointment. I'll also schedule another ultrasound for you. You were told this was a high risk pregnancy and would benefit from constant monitoring… It's not normally my department, but I'd like to keep this as easy as possible for you. I'll be one of your main contacts and doctors here at the hospital, along with Dr Eloise Whitaker and Dylan…'

'Ok… thank you…'

'Would you like the ultrasound before or after our session tomorrow Sara?'

'After, please, It will give me something to look forward too…'

'Ok…' Sylvia typed a few things into her computer 'So, can you make it to a session for 4pm, and the Ultrasound for 5.30pm?'

'Yes… Thank you…'

'You're welcome… I hope all goes well with your Colleagues later.'

They shook hands, and then Sara left, dialling Brasses number as she left.

Xxx

a/n – crikey, that was a little longer than I thought it would be… I know it was another heavy chapter, but… it was historical bad things, not current…

I've got the next 2/3 chapters lined up in my head itching to get out… won't be too long for updates.

Thanks for reading, Emz.