Sara had gotten back from the lab at about 11pm in the end, to find Brass already asleep. After years of primarily working the nightshift, they had quickly readjusted their sleeping patterns. Sara was still finding it difficult to sleep because of the past trauma she had suffered, and the bad habits she had gathered over the years however. Sitting on the sofa she felt a little lost. Before now her natural instinct would have been to crack open a beer, but now having been sober for nearly a fortnight she no longer had that drive or desire. Turning on the TV she flipped through the channels looking for something to watch. Settling in to the sofa further, she smiled a little when she saw that Titanic was just starting. Pulling a blanket around her shoulders she began to watch the movie.

It was around 1.30 am when Brass walked into the room, seeing the TV on 'Hey Kiddo…' he called walking around the sofa 'Sara….'

Sara jumped slightly at the sound of his voice, and rubbed her eyes 'Oh….Hey…Sorry, I must have drifted off….'

'That's alright; your body obviously needs the rest. How are you feeling?'

'Oh…Groggy… What time is it?' Sara yawned out, rubbing at her eyes again.

'1.35…When did you get back?'

'About 11… I didn't want to wake you…I'm sorry… It's been a tough day…I'm not feeling so good actually….'

Brass frowned, and took a seat next to her 'Not feeling good, how?'

Sara shrugged, and pulled the blanket further around her body 'Like I've been in treacle…It's something someone said to me once…when you have to fight to get awake, to get everything functioning again….'

'I'm sure you'll be ok, give it a few more minutes'

Sara just nodded, and once again settled into the sofa. In minutes she was asleep again.

Brass chuckled to himself, and reached over for the remote, turning the TV off.

Xxx

When Sara next awoke it was around 6 am, and she felt extremely on edge, but she wasn't sure why. She hadn't been plagued by nightmares, or thoughts about her current case load. In fact, all she had done was sleep, but it somehow didn't feel like that to her. Once again rubbing at her eyes, she slowly got up, and walked into the kitchen. Putting the kettle on, and getting some breakfast, she thought over what she had to do that day, soon forgetting the strange feeling she'd yet when she first woke up.

She was feeling very nervous about the upcoming ultrasound, fearing something could have gone wrong since her last one a few days ago. The more she thought about it, the worse the feeling got.

Trying to keep herself busy, and her mind focused on other things, Sara began to clean the entire kitchen. First she washed all of the pans, pots; crockery and cutlery, even if it was already clean. She cleaned and disinfected every work surface and cupboard as she went. Next she took all of the food out of the cupboards, and completely rearranged where everything was kept, replacing it not only in date order, but alphabetically in sections according to food type. Working both quickly, efficiently, and throughly, Sara didn't notice that nearly 3 hours passed, or that for the past 20 minutes, Jim had been stood watching her.

Only after the last food tin had been placed back in the cupboard, did Sara stop.

Turning, she jumped a little when she finally noticed Jim

'Shit… Hi…Morning…' Sara stammered 'Been there long?'

'Long enough' Jim replied with a grin on his face 'although I have no idea where to find what I want for breakfast now…'

Sara looked at him confused 'It's not that hard to figure out Jim… see' Sara answered, pulling him over to the cupboards and showing him where everything was. 'Don't you dare mess with it either Jim, I don't know why I didn't have my cupboards like this years ago!'

'Sure thing… 'Brass just shook his head, grabbing what he needed to make a simple porridge with honey out of 3 different cupboards and the fridge.

'So Sara… what's the real reason for the change in the kitchen?' Brass asked as he was finishing making his breakfast. He had noticed that for the past five minutes or so Sara had been scratching at her arms, pacing the room, or humming, sometimes all 3.

'No… No reason….' Sara stammered out, not looking up 'No… No reason…'

'Sara… have you had your meds today?'

'Yes….. Yes….' Sara almost whispered out, pausing in her pacing

'Sara?' he questioned

'Yes… I took the damn pills… count them if you don't believe me….'

'What's with the odd behaviour then Kiddo?'

'Nerves… '

'Ok…..' Brass questioned again 'You're gonna have to give me more than that Sara…. Come on… come sit down….' Brass said, taking his porridge off the hob. He would eat it later, his concern for Sara outweighing his need for food

Taking her arm gently, he walked her over to the sofa, and once sat, pulled the blanket around her shoulders

'Talk to me Sara… what's going on, what's got you so worked up?'

'The baby….' Sara whispered, pulling the blanket a little tighter 'I'm scared of what they'll find out…'

'Oh Sweetie….' Brass pulled her into a half hug 'I'm sure everything will be ok… Do you feel any different?'

Sara shook her head no and shrugged 'I don't know… I don't know how I'm supposed to feel….what if… what if being sober makes no difference… what if I've already caused the damage….and these damn meds Jim…. God, these damn meds….' Sara broke down in his arms, getting hysterical

'Shhh….Shhh… It's ok Sara… it will be ok….'

'You don't know that!' Sara screamed, trying to pull out of his arms

Brass just held her closer 'You don't know that it won't be' he countered, his voice calm and caring

'I'm scared Dad' Sara choked out through her tears and hiccups

'I know… I know, but right now, you're doing everything you can, you've sobered up, trust me, it makes a difference ok, and your meds are very important Sara, you wouldn't have them otherwise ok… '

Sara nodded a little 'What if my babies sick?'

'I don't know Sara, but let's not worry about that right now, ok? I know it's hard, but right now, you just have to know the baby is alive…'

Sara tried to respond, but her words got caught up in another hiccup

'Ok?'

'hiccup'

Brass couldn't help but giggle at this. Soon again, Sara's breathing evened out, and the hiccups lessened, to be replaced by soft snoring as Sara once again slept.

Xxxx

'How are you feeling now Sara?'

Sara just looked at Brass with confusion 'You know… from your little melt down earlier…'

Sara shook her head 'Oh that… yeah, fine… I guess….'

'Good…. Is Catherine going with you?'

'Yeah… well she's gonna meet me there just before… not ready to share my therapy sessions just yet… I don't even like sharing them with myself if I'm honest, let alone anyone else…'

'Well, that's understandable…. When will you be back?'

'Oh… I don't know…. Scans at 5.30, but to be honest I have no idea how long they take… I really wasn't paying attention at the last one…. I couldn't even look at the screen…..' Sara sighed, and grabbed some water out of the fridge.

'Sara….'

'Don't Brass, just don't' Sara snapped before storming off towards her bedroom.

She didn't know why she was acting like she was, but that feeling from earlier in the morning had returned. In fact, it had never really left.

Xxx

Leaning against the wall, Sara let out a sigh. She'd just finished another therapy session. This time they had talked about creating positive habits and a healthy diet. Sara had hated every moment of it. It was hard enough breaking her bad behaviour of the past few months, let alone trying something new. Glancing down at her watch she cursed, she only had 15 minutes until she'd be joining Catherine and having the scan. Right now she felt a desperate need to cut herself with something else. Her leg perhaps, she thought. Cutting her stomach was no longer an option. Sara tried to shake off the thought, knowing she didn't have the time to do anything. Hopefully, she thought, she'd feel better after seeing Catherine, and taking her next dose of medication.

Slowly she walked down to the maternity ward, where Eloise would meet her. She was thankful that Sylvia wouldn't be doing the scan, as she couldn't bear the thought of another second in that woman's company.

Before she knew it, she heard her name being called

'Sar….' Turning she saw Catherine and her face instantly lit up

'Cat!' she rushed over to her, wrapping her in a hug and kissing her gently

'Hey Sweetie' Catherine said holding her closely 'How are you darling?'

'I'm ok, I'm so happy you're here!'

'Wouldn't miss it for the world Sar!' Catherine said beaming, kissing her again 'Ready?'

Sara nodded slowly, and slipped her hand into Catherine's

'No' she admitted after a moment 'I'm nervous as hell Cat… what if….'

'Shhh….' Catherine placed a kiss on Sara's forehead 'Let's just wait and see what Eloise has to say ok?'

Sara nodded once again, taking a seat in the waiting room.

'Sara… ready?' Eloise called after about 5 minutes

'Yeah…' Sara mumbled, standing up, her hand still holding on to Catherine's

Together they walked into the room

'How are you feeling?' Eloise asked, typing a few notes on to her computer

'Ok thanks… better, anyway'

'Good… Good….' Eloise said 'You remember Dylan… is it alright if he assists me today Sara? I thought you might feel more comfortable with people you already know?'

Sara just nodded, but didn't move from the chair, or even look up.

'Are you sure you're okay Sara?'

'I…I….'

'She's nervous' Catherine answered for her

'Ok… well, if you hop on to the bed….'

'What…. What about my blood test results?' Sara whispered, her hold on Catherine's hand tightening

'Ah… yes… well….' Eloise started

'What? What happened?' Sara chocked out, looking up between Eloise and Dylan

'We don't know Sara… the lab lost your sample…. We'll have to take another one… I'm sorry… I really am….'

Sara didn't know what to say, once again looking down at the ground

'Why were you taking the sample anyway?' Catherine questioned, her thumb running over the back of Sara's hand

'Well…several reasons… to check on Sara's HCG levels, and her Iron levels for starters, also too check if there was any alcohol in her system, and then too see what level her prescriptions are in her system… it's a high risk pregnancy, and we need to keep a constant check….'

Catherine nodded in understanding, but still had questions 'Why such a…. cocktail?'

Eloise looked at Sara for a moment, trying to determine what she could tell Catherine 'Sara… what would you like for Catherine to know?'

Sara just shrugged 'Don't care' she forced out, scratching at her arms again.

'Well… the disulfiram is to dissuade drinking, the Prozac is for the depression, and the lithium is for the bipolar… without them Sara's state of mind and sense of well-being, and her mental health would be further comprised… Sara could have benefitted from medication years ago… '

'Isn't there a risk of taking them in pregnancy though?' Catherine questioned. It had been worrying her for days. When Sara was just on the Prozac, that had been one thing, but the added lithium had really gotten Catherine's alarm bells going.

'Yes… a small one, as with every prescription… it's why we want to monitor it closely… but the risk of taking them is much less than not taking them at all…. At the moment, the focus needs to be on Sara's mental health first… '

'I understand that, but you have to realise that if… if anything happens…. It will kill her' Catherine said, gesturing towards Sara's stomach

'I know… that's why we need to monitor… and discuss options…'

'Options?' Sara creaked out; she'd been half listening to the conversation

'Yes, options Sara… depending on how your pregnancy progresses, and depending on how you are coping mentally, emotionally and physically, we may need to induce an early labour… about 28 weeks, or roughly 6.5 months… of course, it's too early to tell at this stage… we will see week by week…. This would be optimal for both the baby's survival, and for Sara's well-being… Sara's health is first and foremost our concern…'

Sara leant over in her chair, so she could rest her head on Catherine's shoulder, taking in what Eloise had said

'Will Sara have a say in this?' Catherine questioned, holding Sara closely

'In all honesty, it depends on her mental state at the time, and if not delivering the baby becomes a risk of life to either patient…'

Catherine took in a deep breath 'Ok… Ok… so… mixing Prozac and lithium… what risks and side effects do we need to look out for?'

'Here….' Eloise handed her a sheet of handwritten paper 'But really, I don't think any of it will become an issue… I don't want you to read this Sara, and then decide that you'll stop taking your meds. That will be a danger in and of itself ok… it's really important that you take them….'

'I coped without them before…' Sara whispered

'Yes, and you never slept, never dealt with your problems, and turned to alcohol…' Dylan cut in. He'd remained quiet thus far

'Dylan!' Eloise snapped

'What, it's true!' he answered back 'Anyways… are we going to do your ultrasound or what Sara?' he said abruptly. Sara couldn't help but smile a little. Dylan certainly had an interesting bedside manner, but it's what made her like him so much.

Sara stood, and walked over to the bed. Lifting her shirt so the gel could be placed on her stomach, she winced a little at how cold it was, and then, once again, turned her head way from the screen.

Catherine came and stood beside her, once more taking her hand. 'Are you going to look today Sara?' she asked gently, bending down to place a kiss in Sara's hair

Sara just shook her head no.

Xxxx

Catherine pulled up and switched off the car. Sara hadn't said anything in nearly 2 hours, she hadn't once looked at the ultrasound, or the printed picture. She hadn't answered any of Eloise's questions about how she was feeling, or really listened to Eloise explaining the ultrasound image as she went. She hadn't flinched when more blood was taken. She'd only really responded when the gel had been wiped off of her stomach, and then she had leapt of the bed, and practically run out of the room.

Catherine turned in her seat 'Sara… were back at your flat… do you want me to come in for a bit?'

Sara nodded, and then got out of the car

'Are you going to talk to me Sar?'

Sara didn't reply as she unlocked the front door and stepped inside, Catherine following close behind

'You know what Sara; giving me the silent treatment isn't going to achieve anything. I have done nothing wrong, Eloise has done nothing wrong but try and make you feel better, and newsflash, your scan was just fine!' Catherine snapped sinking in to the sofa. Sara sank into the arm chair, and pulled her knees up to her chest.

'I know… I just…I…I haven't been feeling right all day….'

'So why didn't you tell the Dr when she asked Sara?'

'I don't know… I didn't know how to explain it…. Then I was just a little overwhelmed that the baby is ok, and then it just hit me again that I'm even having a baby, that I haven't screwed it up…. Yet… I… I…until it's born I don't think It's ever gonna sink in…. and she was right…. Eloise was right…. I'm already reluctant to take my medications… '

'Oh Sar….'

'What's wrong with me Cat?' Sara cried out, tears streaming down her face, a fresh wave of hiccups starting.

Xxx

a/n

sorry it's been a while! I've either been flat out working, or had a surge in my social life! More soon!