Sara sat in the coffee shop for a little bit longer after Ecklie had left, feeling happier now that'd she'd taken the first step to getting back to work, and her life on track. She also wanted to enjoy being on her own for a little while longer, watching the world go by. Although the coffee shop was fairly busy, no one was bothering her or watching over her like a hawk, besides Ecklie, the only person to have spoken to her was the waitress, and it felt nice. After declining a second cup of tea, Sara stepped outside, she was too tired and still a little too sneeze to walk the 25 or so minutes home, even though before one of her outlets had been long walks (in part, because of her intoxication and inability to drive, and in part because she loved walking) and she didn't want to call Brass, so she called for a taxi. When she was informed it would be nearly 20 minutes before it arrived, she laughed, she could have practically been home already if she started walking.
Turning, she saw a thrift store, and decided to have a quick look around, at least then she wouldn't be stood in the slight breeze. Walking over to the large collection of second hand books, Sara was distracted by two displays. Smiling, her hand once again on her stomach, a slight bump now growing, she picked up an item, and then picked up a box.
'Perfect' she mumbled too herself, walking over to the counter to pay for the items she had picked out.
When Sara arrived back at her flat, she called out for Brass, but got no answer. She was grateful to have been allowed the little time to herself, to make her own way back, but she had still expected him to be there when she arrived. Pulling out her phone, she dialled his number
'Brass' Phone' came an unfamiliar voice
'Hi… who's speaking, is Jim ok?' Sara questioned
'Miss Sidle?' The caller questioned
'Yes' Sara got out, trying not to let the panic rise
'Captain Brass is fine, but he was called into a very important interrogation for a case he's been working for the past several months, I'm Officer Brookes, he had to leave his phone with me, couldn't afford any interruptions. Can I take a message?' Officer Brookes asked
'Oh… I…..' Sara stuttered
'He said you might call' the officer spoke up 'Said he'd be back as soon as he could, not to worry, and that a Greg Sanders is ready to come over, if you'd like… '
'Oh… Thanks… Umm… How, how long has he been in there so far?' Sara questioned, scratching at her arm a little bit
'I'm afraid it's just started, about 15 minutes, and I'm sorry to say it's a big case… Captain Brass really didn't want to do this, but the D.A is putting pressure on the department…'
'I understand' Sara said
'Would you like me to call Mr Sanders for you?' Brookes asked
'No… No, thanks…' Sara said hanging up, feeling a little lost.
Trying not to let it get to her too much, Sara walked into the bedroom, slipping on her PJ's and gown, she opened the box she had bought – a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle made up of lots of little photos, that made a bigger picture of Flamingo – and set to work.
As Sara worked, sorting and placing the pieces, with the occasional sneeze and hiccup, she tapped at her leg with a pen from time to time. Her alarm went off, and she paused briefly, grabbing some water she took the various medicines, grabbed an apple and a knife to cut it, and set back to work.
When Brass arrived back, Sara had been alone for 2 and ½ hours since the phone call with Officer Brookes, and the first thing that hit Brass as he entered the apartment was the faint smell of iron hanging in the air
'Sara?' he called out trying not to panic, stepping further into the flat, he saw Sara sat at the table, engrossed in a puzzle, and he relaxed.
'Hey Sara…' he walked over to the fridge to grab a drink, not surprised that Sara hadn't answered, she was busy concentrating, tapping away on her leg.
Brass let out a chuckle as Sara sneezed again, and then turned to look at her, his eyes going wide
'Sara!' he shouted, rushing over to her, he grabbed the item from her hand, pulling it away, he tried to twist her around, but she continued to ignore him, and hiccupped quietly.
Her upper thigh was covered in lots of little cuts, the blood slowly streaming down her leg, and it was if Sara hadn't even noticed.
'Sara…' he shook her slightly, reaching for his phone
Sara blinked a few times 'Oh, hey Brass… how did the interrogation go, you weren't as long as I thought you would be…' Sara turned back to her puzzle, frowning slightly. She'd made more progress than she thought she had
'Sara… why is your leg bleeding?' Brass asked, kneeling down in front of her, grabbing tightly at her hands
'Don't be silly…' Sara said, turning to look at her leg 'Oh…' Sara said, not quiet believing what her eyes were telling her.
'I… I don't remember… I didn't do that, did I?'
'Yeah love, you did, I just took the knife from your hand…'
'What knife? I was tapping a pen Brass, I haven't used….' Sara trailed off 'I had an apple…' she turned her head, half in embarrassment, and half because she once again sneezed.
'Sorry…' she mumbled
'What happened?' Jim asked, pulling her to her feet, and leading her towards the bathroom
'I really don't know Brass, I swear I don't… I was keeping myself busy as you weren't here…'
'You didn't call Greg?' he asked, gently pushing her so she was sat on the edge of the bath tub so he could clean her leg
'No…'
'Why?'
'I didn't want to be a bother to anyone'
Brass said nothing, but set about cleaning her legs
'You know I'm going to have to report this to the Drs, don't you?'
Sara nodded, wiping at her eyes
'Why did you do it Sara?' Brass asked once he was finished
'I didn't ok, I swear I didn't… I thought it was a pen… it was at first, I don't know when it became a knife, and I don't know why I didn't feel it… hell, I don't even know what time it is, I think I've lost an hour…. I only started that jigsaw after speaking to Brookes… '
'It's ok Sara… It will all be ok… but I do need to call the Dr, see if we can get you an emergency appointment…'
'No… please… not yet?' Sara said, twisting her body a little
'Sara…'
'Please, not yet' Sara asked again, scratching her arm a little, and then again.
'Fine' Brass relented 'But I'm coming with you to the beginning of your session tomorrow, no arguing, understood?'
'Yes sir' Sara got out quietly
'Do you want me to call Catherine?'
'No… please… not yet… if she's not at work, she's with Lindsey, I don't want to be a bother just yet…'
'Have you spoken at all yet, since Sunday evening?'
'No' Sara admitted 'I… I will… soon….'
Once again Brass reluctantly admitted defeat on the matter, and then walked away into the kitchen
Xxx
The rest of the night, and the next day went by without incidence. Sara had stayed awake a little longer than normal, and slept a little less, trying to readjust her body clock a little bit more ready for work on Wednesday evening. The puzzle was now 80% complete, and Sara had stopped sneezing a few hours ago. Jumping in the shower, she got ready for her counselling session.
As long as she didn't think about it, or anything else, she felt fine, but for the most part, she was thinking about it, and scratching at her arms in her nervousness. She wasn't ready to face the disappointing looks or the questions, but she knew that she currently had no choice in the matter.
'It'll be ok Sara' Brass tried to reassure her, placing his hand on her shoulder. Shrugging it off, she grabbed her coat and walked out to the car.
The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever for Sara, but Brass drove as quickly as possible, hoping Sylvia might be free a few minutes earlier.
There was a lot he wanted, needed, to discuss.
Walking up to the reception desk, Sara muttered she was the 8pm appointment, but didn't look up
'Sylvia won't be long Sara, how's your cold now?' the voice asked, it was Matt. Once again Sara just shrugged 'Fine' she mumbled, whilst turning around to take a seat. A few minutes later, Sylvia called her through
'Good evening Sara…' she turned to Brass, she had an idea of who he was, but she wasn't sure
'Jim Brass' he provided, shaking her offered hand
'Ah yes, my Colleague, Eloise, met you.'
Sylvia gestured for them to take a seat
'So Sara, what do you want to talk about today, and are you comfortable with Jim being here?'
Brass looked over at Sara, picking up on her mood, and spoke up for her 'She's not very talkative today Dr… '
'Sylvia, please' she supplied with a smile 'Has something happened?' she queried
'Yes… well… I got home…'
Sylvia cut him off 'She was alone?'
Before Brass could explain further, Sara cut in 'She is in the room!' she snapped, standing and heading towards the door
Reaching out his hand, Jim stopped her from leaving 'Sara, wait, take a seat…'
Sara sighed, but relented, pulling her legs up tight to her chest, arms wrapped around them
'I'm sorry Sara' Sylvia said, smiling weakly 'I'm just worried about you, I need to know what's happened and why… would you like to tell me?'
'No'
'Can Jim tell me?' she asked, writing something down on her notepad
'Ok' Sara whispered, turning her head away from them both.
'Last night, I had to attend to something I couldn't get out off, and when Sara arrived back from speaking to Ecklie – he's the boss – I was still out… I was out for a couple of hours. When I got back, Sara was doing a jigsaw, and her thigh was covered in cuts…' Brass held his hand up, to stop Sylvia from interrupting just yet 'I panicked, thought she'd done it deliberately… but it soon became apparent that wasn't the case… Sara was pretty out of it, sneezing, hiccupping… tapping the knife up and down on her leg… she seemed really shocked when I pointed it out, made her stop.' Brass paused, looked over at Sara 'She thought it was a pen… she didn't feel the pain of the knife… they're shallow, but there's lots of them, but mostly concentrated around one area the size of a quarter.'
'Can I take a look please Sara?' Sylvia asked, placing her notebook down, she watched as Sara just pulled her legs closer
'Sara, I need to look before you leave…' Sylvia was quiet for a while, thinking over what had been said, and wondering on its significance 'You're aware that your Lithium levels were showing as low, aren't you Sara?'
'Yes' Sara mumbled
'Yes, we were aware' Brass clarified 'It wasn't really deliberate, and we have it under control now, an alarm system to prompt Sara to take her medicines, it's working well so far'
'Good…Good…I'd like to take another blood sample, just to see if we are getting on to the right track…'
'Not a pin cushion' Sara whispered under her breath
'I know… but these tests are important Sara, for you and the Baby'
Sighing, Sara placed her arm out, exposing the inner elbow where the blood would be taken from. Sylvia hadn't meant now, but realised it would be better to get it done whilst Sara was feeling a little more compliant. Gathering what she needed, she quickly took and labelled the sample, and then set it to the side to take down to the lab later.
'Are you usually so intense in your work Sara?' Sylvia questioned, sitting back in her chair and closely observing Sara and her body language
'Have to be…. Have to be'
'Why?'
'Justice… Victims…Stopping the bad guys' Sara said with venom in her voice
'Yes, but, do you normally get so…involved… with something you aren't aware of the rest of your surroundings?'
'Doesn't everyone?' Sara countered, not understanding the question
'Not to the point where they're stabbing themselves in the leg, no.' Sylvia said, trying to balance out the stern edge and concern in her voice.
Sara had no answer to this, knowing Sylvia was right
'Has there been any other major zone outs like that Sara, where you've come around doing something either… dangerous, or unsettling?'
'Not since… Not since quitting drinking… but they were just the alcohol screwing with me… before then, I guess… maybe a few times when I was a kid…' Sara swallowed hard, knowing she'd just opened up a whole new line of questioning
'What happened when you were younger Sara?'
'You mean despite the beatings and the rape?' Sara spat out, pulling her legs yet closer
Neither Sylvia or Brass said anything to that, just waiting for Sara to continue
Taking a deep breath, Sara tried to relax herself 'My mum used to give me sweets, when she had a headache… so I wouldn't disturb her'
'What kinda sweets love?' Brass asked, his voice gentle
'I don't know… they made me sleepy, therefor I was quiet… I remember a few times, I'd wake up bruised… or it was dark outside where before it was daytime… once I woke up and my Dad… he… he was raping me…' Sara angrily wiped away at the tears that were now streaming down her face
'All of this happened after being given these… sweets?' Sylvia asked, glancing over at Brass before moving her eyes back to Sara
'Yeah' Sara nodded, turning her head away again
'Could they have been drugs Sara?'
'Yeah' Sara confessed 'Yeah… she was Schizophrenic…'
'Do you think she gave you her prescription and missed them herself?'
'Yeah… I… they made her worse, she didn't like them…. I only realised when I was older though… back then… I don't know what I thought, I thought it was normal, I guess… '
'Were you aware, back then, she was on medication?' Sylvia asked, wanting to clarify
Sara thought for a moment 'Yeah… Yeah, I was aware, Dad complained about the cost, but then spent the money on booze… I swore I'd never drink, never do drugs of any kind… didn't take me long to break those 3 promises to myself… '
'3?' Brass asked
'Yeah, booze, prescription drugs and recreational…'
'Sara?' Brass questioned again, a torrent of thoughts running through his head
'Weed, mostly… when I was in college… E, once… hated it… whatever else I've been slipped by the people who have raped me over the years… cigarettes, booze, lots of it, sleeping pills… now this fine cocktail…'
'Oh Sara…'
'Don't Jim; I don't need your fucking sympathy!' Sara screamed, her anger quickly rising, although she didn't really know why she was so angry, she grabbed the cushion next to her and threw it across the room.
'Jim, will you join me for a moment, if Sara wants to act like a child, we won't give her an audience…' Sylvia rose, gesturing for Jim to follow; they stepped out of the room
'Why have we left?' Jim questioned once they'd stepped out into the hallway
'I think Sara needs five minutes or so to unleash and get rid of her anger, and if that means throwing things around the office, so be it… I wanted to rearrange it anyway, so she's doing me a favour… I will point out, that its hospital policy to have this room wired with surveillance, just in case, and it's never reviewed unless such incidences like this happen… Sara may say or do something in there, that could help me later… so, I'll look and see later…' Anyway, I'm just going to pop to the bathroom, when I get back, we'll go back in, I won't be long'
Xxx
Sara felt a fine mist of anger and sadness fall over her, and as soon as she was left alone in the room, it only intensified, grabbing another cushion, so threw it, but wasn't satisfied. Grabbing a mug, she threw that, and was satisfied when it smashed loudly against the wall, sending bits of china everywhere, next she tossed the books of the shelf, and then shoved the shelf onto the floor, knocking more items as she did, screaming and shouting almost incoherently as she did
'I'm not my Mum!' was one phrase that she kept repeating. Anger now boiling, Sara swept some items off the desk, and was about to throw the computer monitor, when something caught her eye, a photo of an ultrasound image being held by a young woman was placed on the corner of the desk. Sara's breath caught in her throat, and she slumped down into Sylvia's office chair, head in her hands, weeping.
Xxx
It was about 10 minutes later when Sylvia and Brass stepped back into the office, taking in the sight of the destruction before them, and Sara sat sobbing. Before anyone could say anything, Sara stood up, and started picking up the items that were strewn across the room
'Sara, you don't have to do that, why don't you sit down…'
'I do…' Sara said, picking up a few more items
'Why?' Sylvia said, taking Sara's now vacated seat as Brass moved to stand by the window
'My mess, my problems, punished otherwise…'
'What do you mean by that Sara?'
'Parents hated mess, even if they'd made it… I cleaned…'
Brass had had enough at this point, and walked over to Sara, taking the few items from her, he pulled her into a hug 'Enough Sara, enough', running his hand through her hair 'Enough' at first Sara tried to resist, but she soon stopped, her anger having been replaced with tiredness.
Brass pulled her over to the couch, and sat her down, keeping her close; Brass glanced over at Sylvia, and felt his own anger rising when he saw that she was smiling. She put her hand up, stopping him from saying anything, wanting to explain
'Sara… you may not believe me, but this…outburst… has actually given me a lot of insight into the way you…function… why you do certain things, act like you do… '
'How the hell does a destroyed office tell you anything?' Sara managed, her voice was quieter, weaker, than she had expected, wanted.
'Well, when things go wrong, you over react, but then regret it, and you try, not always successfully, to clean up the mess, declining any help from outside sources, even if they were able to make your task so much easier. Your defences come up when you get caught out, and you try and brush off the incidence, but each time it gets harder and harder, and so you spiral more and more out of control, but find giving up that element of control hard, fearing the consequences of not cleaning up your own mess… eventually you stop telling people where things have gone wrong, and so the cycle continues… even if you aren't aware of it, even if you think it's not comparable, it all connects Sara… from cleaning up the mess your parents made, to helping to clear up the mess you find within work, with the cases and victims that you deal with… '
Sara said nothing to this; she just didn't know how to respond.
'Look, Sara… it's been a tough session, I just need to look at your leg, ask a couple more things ok…'
'Ok' Sara got out, pushing herself away from Brass a little
'Do you want Jim to step out of the room for a moment?'
'No… no, it's ok…'
'Ok… let me look at your leg then…'
Sara stood, undoing her trousers, and shimmying them down to expose her thigh
Sighing, Sylvia grabbed something to clean and dress it with, making note of the dozens and dozens of tiny cuts, although each one wasn't much bigger than a pin prick, and they didn't appear to be deep, the sheer amount of them, and the way they were localised, worried Sylvia more than she wanted to let on, the bruising coming out making it look worse
'Does it hurt?' she asked, noticing Sara tense a little
'I guess…'
'And at the time?'
'No… I honestly didn't know, I was so absorbed doing this puzzle, and before I was tapping a pen… I thought I was still tapping the pen…you don't believe me?' Sara questioned
'No, I do believe you Sara, but I am worried to why you didn't feel the pain…'
Sara couldn't explain it either
'Are you still hoping to go back to work tomorrow?'
'Yes… I spoke to Ecklie last night, before this…' Sara gestured to her leg 'this happened'
'Ok… what did he say, are the conditions the same as when we last spoke?'
'Yes…no field work, less hours…. Probation period… we agreed on a compensation figure too, we are going to sort out the paperwork tomorrow, and the lab are still going to pay the share of the bills that they agreed on, on top of the compensation… it's funny… I'll be a CSI 3 doing the bare minimum of work, for the most monetary gain at the end of it…'
'How does that make you feel?' Sylvia asked, now finished dressing Sara's leg
'I don't know… grateful… greedy… all else in-between… mostly, I just want to focus on working again, regaining my life a little bit more…'
'Ok… and, what about your medications…before..'
'Before they were too low, I know… I made the mistake of keeping on a day time schedule, and then falling asleep when I wasn't supposed to, after having worked nightshift for most of my working life, and having barely slept for the past 17 years, I've slept so much the past couple of weeks… for the most part, I didn't deliberately miss them…'
'Ok, but now you have a better schedule for them?'
'Yeah…'
'We've set alarms throughout the night, when Sara is most naturally awake, and will be, whilst working again. Sara really does know the importance of them, even if it's taken a little while to admit it to herself' Brass said, placing his hand on Sara's shoulder after she'd pulled her trousers back up
'Good… Good… Ok… well, in that case, I'll give you a few days to settle back into work, and we can schedule an appointment for… Saturday, and another Ultrasound, just speak to Matt on your way out…' Sylvia pulled off a piece of paper 'Here, this is your prescription for your Iron tablets… let me just have a quick listen to your heart and lungs and do your blood pressure, and then I'll let you get on your way, ok?'
'Ok… Thanks…'
A few minutes later, Sara and Brass were walking out of the room
'One more thing' Sylvia called, waiting for them to turn 'Next time something extreme like that happens, you phone us straight away Sara, no excuses, no matter what time of day or night ok?'
Sara gave a brief nod of understanding, and then walked out of the room.
Xxxx
When they got back Sara took her tablets, only 10 minutes late as she needed a drink to wash them down with, and then told Brass she was going to get a little sleep. When the alarm went off for her second lot of tablets, Sara got out of bed, jumped in the shower, and then turned on her laptop, looking up properties for sale in the area. She had no idea what she was looking for however, so she soon gave up. Looking at the clock, she saw that shift would finish in a couple of hours. Pulling out her phone, she typed out a message to Catherine, and hit send before she could change her mind
Xxx
Catherine was sat in one of the layout rooms, looking over the evidence of her current case, or at least trying too, she was finding it hard to concentrate, especially as she was having to sort out half a bins worth of shredded financial documents. It was slow going, and all the paper looked similar. Sighing, she couldn't help but think this was the kind of work that Sara would enjoy. Her phone buzzing pulled her out of her thoughts, opening it, she saw that she had a message from Sara.
She had no idea how to feel about it, no idea where they stood, how to move forward from when Sara had stormed out on Sunday evening. She'd barely heard from Nancy since, her Mum was just as quiet, and as much as she tried not to show it, Lindsey knew something was up as well. Opening the message, Catherine read
'Sorry for not msging sooner… sorry about the way I left Sun PM…Can we talk? Sx'
Catherine didn't know whether to ignore it, text back, or ring Sara. Deciding it could wait for a while longer; Catherine grabbed a cup of coffee and then got back to work. When shift had finished, she rang Sara on the way out to the car
'Sidle'
'Hey'
'Catherine…I'm sorry…' Sara said, a weak smile on her face
'I'm sorry too…'
'Can we talk, please?' Sara asked, trying not to get her hopes up too much
'Sure… Why don't you come over at 1, I'll make lunch… I need to get Lindzz to school, and then I need to sleep a little…'
'Sure… Thanks… See you later…'
'Yeah…' Catherine hung up the phone, and got into her car, and drove towards her home. She really didn't know what to do about Sara, but she knew she was finding it harder and harder to deal with Sara's insecurities and constant yo-yoing, but she wasn't sure if she could just give up on her either. She just hoped that things would work out and that in the meantime she would sleep.
1 o'clock came around soon enough, and Catherine waited for Sara to knock on her door.
Catherine kept glancing at her watch, and at 1.02 the knock came, and she rushed to answer it, feeling nervous. Opening the door, she took in the sight before her, Sara was stood in a deep red coloured top, black trousers, a weak smile on her face, tears in her eyes, and a bouquet of purple hyacinths in hand. Catherine stepped forward, and grabbed Sara's arm, pulling her into her house, whilst the other hand took the flowers, placing them on the side table, she pulled Sara into her embrace, and kissed her deeply, slamming the door behind her, before pushing Sara up against the wall, hands roaming and touching, as Sara eagerly kissed her back, before pushing Catherine away slightly 'We need to talk…' she mumbled out as Catherine moved down to kiss her neck
'Later…' Catherine whispered, hands slipping under Sara's shirt 'I've missed you, I need you…'
Sara couldn't help but writher under Catherine's touch, spinning around she pressed Catherine into the door, barely noticing the force as Catherine's back made contact with the wood. Slipping her hands around and down to Catherine's bum, Sara raised her from the ground, and Catherine eagerly wrapped her legs around Sara's waist 'Bedroom….' Catherine mumbled
'Too far, too many stairs…' Sara said in-between kisses 'I want you now… ' Sara walked them over to the dining table, and placed Catherine on top, hoping the table was as sturdy as it looked, she continued her kissing assault over Catherine's exposed skin, the blonde whimpering eagerly underneath her.
Xxx
a/n hope you enjoyed!
