I had to rewatch a lot of Oskar episodes in researching this story. I think what makes his character endearing despite being objectively not a good person is just how genuinely childlike he is. He's a selfish jerk, yes, but in the way a kid who hasn't been properly socialized would be and just doesn't know how else to be. He also comes off as a man who genuinely tries to be a friendly and likable presence, but just tragically possesses a bare minimum of self awareness for how socially unacceptable his behavior is.
Up there with Grandpa and Helga, Oskar is also among the funniest characters on the show which just makes him all the more likable from an audience standpoint at least. Any episode centering on his character depicts him as a selfish mooch, but whenever he hits a low point he shows potential for change and reveals that he's smarter and more adept than even he knows, and a lot of his issues kind of boil down to a lack of belief in himself. Crap… realizing just how much I sympathize with the guy. Whenever I write these stories centering on specific characters I always have to try to understand them and by extension try to sympathize with them so… yeah, it's depressing to find so much of yourself in Oskar in your thirties…
Chapter 2: Suzie Came Home?
Arnold, Helga and especially Oskar stood in silent shock. Despite just being kids, Arnold and Helga fully understood the gravity of the situation, and much more so than Oskar himself apparently did.
"Mrs. Kokoshka?" Arnold asked, and he then feebly attempted to dispel the tension, "It's great to see you. Where have you been?"
"At the grocery store, she must have gotten lost." Oskar said, "I was finally about to send out a search team, and now here you are! What good fortune! It's a miracle!"
Suzie was completely unmoved by Oskar and ignored him. She at least treated Arnold with a friendly smile. The two of them had always gotten along royally despite Suzie's frequent flustered moods related to being overworked and married to a human leech, and an especially insensitive one at that.
"Hey, Arnold." She said warmly, "I've been staying with my cousin Nancy. Just working and doing a lot of thinking…"
Oskar twiddled this thumbs and smiled forcibly at Suzie.
"Thinking is… good?" Oskar spoke hesitantly, "Unless your cousin has been putting bad ideas into your head again..."
Suzie turned her attention back to him with a hardened look of stone. Oskar's award smile couldn't withstand the hard glare from his wife and he just started to shrink where he stood.
"As I said…" Suzie said with quiet intensity, "I just need you to sign those papers."
The middle aged man child squinted his eyes as he looked at the papers Suzie had forcibly shoved at him a moment ago and tried to sound out the words printed.
"D-d-dividends?" Oskar attempted. "What good fortune, Suzie! Finally we will be able to live the lives we deserve and not have to work so hard all of the time!"
Suzie groaned and shook her head, still no less frustrated with Oskar since the day she met him.
"You know exactly what it says, Oskar." she said.
"But I… I can't read, remember?" Oskar responded coyly.
"Arnold taught you." Suzie huffed, "Don't think I've forgotten."
Oskar looked at Arnold with some small amount of resentment in his eyes.
"Oh great… thanks a lot Arnold, why did you have to teach me to read? Now I can't even use illiteracy as an excuse anymore…" Oskar whined, "Suzie? How can you just throw away our many years of happy marriage?"
"You don't even remember how many years we've been married, do you?" Suzie challenged.
"Of course I do, how could you even make such a-"
"How many years?" Suzie pressed.
"Um… what year is it right now?" Oskar asked.
"Kind of a grey area…" Helga murmured in Arnold's ear.
Oskar now just evaded the question like a pro, not that his answer would have mattered anyway.
"Oh, it doesn't matter… I love you so much Suzie it cannot be quantified by the years. What matters is that you are home safe now and we can go on with our lives-"
"You're absolutely right, Oskar." Suzie said.
"Suzie please, just listen- wait, did you say I'm absolutely right?" Oskar asked, "I never thought I'd hear you say such a thing… it's about time."
"You're absolutely right that it's time to go on with our lives." Suzie said, confidence brimming in her voice again, "I've had a long time to think about this, and I've decided that I'm done. You've been using me for years just so you can get by doing as little as possible! And like an idiot I just forgave you over and over again, but I'm finally done being married to someone who just wanted a maid instead of an actual partner!"
As she spoke she sounded as if she were quoting someone else; likely the advice she had gotten from her cousin in all this time.
"That's not true, I never wanted you to be my maid." Oskar said, "I would have to pay a maid. You do everything for free-"
"Oskar!" Suzie shut him up as Helga just watched with her jaw agape.
"Man… and I thought Bob needed some sensitivity training…" she murmured to herself. "These two don't even have kids... what was their excuse for staying together this long?"
Arnold meanwhile looked painfully uncomfortable. Normally the type to act as a calming voice of reason, he realized this had been a long time coming and as painful as this scene was for him to watch he knew he had no business butting in.
Oskar kept pleading, "Suzie? Wait, let's talk about this before we do anything hasty…"
"Hasty? The only hasty thing I did was marrying you in the first place! I can't even remember what I ever saw in you!" Suzie said defiantly.
"Oh Suzie, I remember. It was uh… my alluring accent, my incomparable charm, my musicianship, and you always loved how I can quack like a duck like no one else can."
To everyone's surprise, the seemingly resolute fire in Suzie's eyes subsided somewhat, and then she sighed heavily, dropping her angry expression altogether and looked at her husband with genuine regret and sorrow. Helga and Arnold's eyes darted back and forth, as they both wondered if they should even still be privy to this coming exchange.
"Oskar…" Suzie said tentatively, "Yes… you were charming in some way that I can't even explain to myself or anyone else. And even when you were selfish, lazy, and undependable… there were always those moments when it seemed like I was seeing the real you; getting an actual job, learning to read, taking care of Nancy's baby, those little moments when you showed enough promise that you could change…."
"Change?" Oskar nodded eagerly, "Oh Suzie, it's not too late, I can still change. Watch! I will quit my job as executive paper boy- oh! I got promoted, I forgot to tell you… and I will stop being such a workaholic and spend more time here at home with you."
"Oskar!" Suzie shouted, "You know full well being a workaholic was never even close to what your problem is!"
Oskar shrugged, "Okay, yes I admit it, sometimes I was just a little too forgiving of you. You were always letting me be lazy, and you didn't motivate me enough to-"
Suzie at last bursted into tears in front of everyone. Arnold walked over towards her, ready to attempt to offer comfort but Suzie quickly clenched her fist and wiped away her tears furiously.
"You'll never change, Oskar…" Suzie's voice was fraught with a mixture of anger and sadness, "I always want to believe you can, but you can't." She marched up to her soon to be ex husband and poked at the papers in his hands.
"Just sign them." she said, "Just sign them and let's be done with all this!"
"But Suzie, I cannot afford to get a divorce…. hey, wait a minute, what about the alimony? Do I get some of that?" Oskar asked, now sounding semi interested.
"I know a good lawyer." Suzie warned, "You're not getting another penny out of me for the rest of your life! You're a no account bum that I've busted my own butt for and no judge would ever side with you!"
"Okay, that's fair… but did you sign a prenup?" Oskar asked. "I don't think you did… can I at least have some of your things? I could probably get something for your earrings."
Suzie just groaned in hopeless resignation.
"Oskar, you're just proving my point with every word out of your mouth." she said sternly, "You've only ever cared about yourself. You had your moments when I thought you were better than this, but they just never last. I can't do this anymore…"
Oskar looked down at the papers and then back at Suzie with a sad longing look on his face. His sheer pathetic emptiness gained him an ounce of sympathy from Arnold and even Helga, but as per usual he ruined it.
"Okay… I will consider but this is a very big decision. It's hard to make decisions on an empty stomach, so if you make me a sandwich I will consider signing."
"Oskar!" Suzie snapped.
"What?" Oskar asked, "I miss your sandwiches… Stella makes very tasty ones too, but they are not made with love like yours. Nothing compares with-"
"Stella?" Suzie asked in confusion.
Arnold's eyes widened as he realized Suzie had missed out on some fairly significant changes during her absence.
"Yes, the new landlady." Oskar said, "Grandma and grandpa retired and now-"
"Wait? Stella?" Suzie repeated, "You mean-"
"What's with all the shouting?" another voice came as if on cue from the dinning room. Out stepped Arnold's mother Stella Shortman, who quickly locked eyes with Suzie.
"No…" Suzie uttered in disbelief, and then turned her head in Arnold's direction, "I've… been away longer than I thought haven't I?"
Arnold smiled awkwardly, "We uh, had a pretty crazy summer last year."
"I know, I stubbed my toe while all of you were off in South America looking for your mom and dad, so there was no one around to make me feel better…" Oskar whined. "How can you live with yourself?"
As if not even hearing Oskar, Suzie just looked at Stella, as if back from the dead in utter bewilderment. As the shock slowly wore off however, bellows of laughter started to sound from her.
"You're… you're really back? And Miles too?" Suzie asked excitedly. "And you're… alive?"
Stella jokingly checked her own pulse, but then stared at Suzie again, as if trying to recall who she was. Stella and her husband had only lived in the boarding house for a short time before being called away again, and most of her attention had been spent minding one year old Arnold at the time. Yet as she looked at Suzie the memories at last clicked and her face lit up.
"Suzie!" Stella said at last, and took a step forward with open arms. Suzie accepted the invitation and joined in a hug with her. Arnold had no idea what his mother's relationship with Suzie had been like, and it never really occurred to him to wonder until now seeing the two of them so happy to see one another again. Oskar meanwhile saw their reunion as yet another opportunity to weasel out of trouble.
"It's so touching… everyone loves one another… we're all friends again." he said while tossing aside the divorce papers, "You see, Suzie? Miles and Stella made us an even bigger, happier non-traditional family and now we can all be happy and non-traditional together-"
Suzie shot Oskar another harsh glare which put a stopper in his mouth effortlessly. Oskar twiddled his thumbs and grinned sheepishly, but Suzie now appeared fortified against him.
"You've got paperwork to do, Oskar." she said warningly, "I know how slow you are at that, so I'll give you some time while Stella and I catch up."
Suzie then looked back at Stella with a warm smile and clasped her hands together.
"I just don't believe it… all these years. You've got to tell me everything!" she requested excitedly.
Stella smiled and nodded.
"Well, it's a pretty long story… though, I was asleep for most of it, so I guess it's not as long as you'd think." she said with a chuckle.
Oskar, Arnold and Helga watched as the two women walked over to the lounge area, leaving the rest of them in a quiet stupor. Oskar looked down at the divorce papers scattered on the floor and chuckled to himself.
"Oops. Ten second rule. If you don't pick it up in time it's not good to-"
"Eat." Helga said, "But they're not for you to eat, loser. They're to sign, assuming you can do that. Come on, Arnold. Back to whatever it was we weren't doing… how about we uh… write some poetry together?"
She smiled at him impishly and then beckoned with her finger for him to follow her back up to his room. Arnold turned slightly pink in response, looked at Oskar with an awkward smile, and then turned to follow his less than subtle girlfriend.
With Suzie and Stella happily reminiscing and catching up in the kitchen, Oskar stood alone and now pondered his next move.
"I have to do something…" he said, "Show her I can be the man she deserves. I'll show her! I'll show everyone! And I don't even need Arnold's help!"
With some newfound vigor and pep in his step, Oskar set off to do everything in his power to win back his wife's affection, before resorting to going to the resident do-gooder. If anything that alone would prove to Suzie he had some initiative.
Five minutes later, upstairs in Arnold's room Helga lay across the couch looking up at the skylight, searching the heavens above for inspiration. Arnold sat over on his bed with a pen in one hand and a notebook in the other. In the last few months she had grown more comfortable with sharing her endless gushy poetry that flowed effortlessly from her lips to the page, and now she felt close enough to him to let him take dictation. Arnold found most of her craft to be flattering, if occasionally bordering on slightly disturbing. As she watched birds flocking in the sky above, Helga at last felt inspiration strike.
"Arnold, my love for you flutters on feathered wings… once kept away in the cage of my heart, but now soars through the sky proudly above the world. Our love, flying majestically above lower earth bound facsimiles of love; the unearthly force of love reveals itself to us alone, modestly and without boast, pure and innocent… kiss me my love… that the gentle brush of your sweet lips may sweeten my bitter existence… oh…"
She sighed with a long dreamy swoon, but then as a few more short seconds passed by she scowled and looked over at Arnold who was busily scribbling down her words in his notebook.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Helga asked.
"I wrote it down…" Arnold said.
"That wasn't poetry. That was a command." she said with a grin as she patted the seat next to her. "C'mon, hot lips…"
Arnold tugged at his shirt collar and slowly tiptoed closer to her. As Helga puckered up, Arnold closed his eyes and leaned in close to her. With all the sudden violent and unwelcome force of a molotov cocktail being thrown through the window, the bedroom door bursted open.
"Arnold, you've got to help me!" Oskar wailed, "I tried everything I could think of, but nothing worked! If Suzie divorces me I will have nowhere to turn!"
Arnold and Helga leapt off the couch and cried out in their panic. Oskar had made it all of five minutes before giving up and coming to Arnold for help.
"Does no one knock in this dump!?" Helga shrieked. "Arnold? Tell him to get lost and come back later! Or better yet, skip the second half!"
Arnold didn't exactly care for Oskar's total lack of decorum, but he still couldn't completely ignore a plea for help even from the likes of Oskar. In some twisted way Oskar, much like the other boarders was like family to him, even if he had his own family nowadays Oskar managed to inspire certain paternal instincts within Arnold.
"Oh no…" Helga instantly noticed this on Arnold's face, "I see the wheels turning in that altruistic big head of yours. Arnold? Stay out of this one."
"Please Arnold!" Oskar begged, "Think of what would happen to me without Suzie to cover her half of the rent… or the whole thing! We would have to be roommates again, and believe me no one wants that less than I do."
"No..." Arnold said, "No I think there's at least one person who wants that less than you do..."
Arnold scratched his head as an obvious question preyed on his mind; the sort of question he should have asked about a year ago had he not been so preoccupied with his missing parents.
"Mr. Kokoshka? How have you been paying the rent all this time without Suzie?" he asked.
"Well, the long answer is that I've gotten very good at betting on the races and have been investing my money wisely as a shareholder in Future Tech Industries…" Oskar smiled as Arnold looked at him skeptically, then said, "…and the short answer is that I haven't been paying rent most of the time… and it's only a matter of time before your parents start to notice."
Owing to their ten year slumber in the jungles of Central America, Arnold's parents were understandably a little behind in certain areas, and with Grandpa and Grandma now officially 'retired,' it appeared Oskar had been able to slip through the cracks without paying rent for some time. This just added a whole new layer of sleaziness with him apparently taking advantage of them in such a manner.
"Sounds more like the dishonest and honest answers…" Arnold sighed.
"Dishonest? Arnold, what do you take me for, little buddy?" Oskar whined, "I'm the most honest and trustworthy person you know."
Arnold and Helga stared back at him with half lidid gazes, neither of them willing to dignify that with a response. Oskar quickly got the message.
"Okay, apart from all the other people you know, I'm the most honest and trustworthy." Oskar admitted.
Helga shook her head and placed her hands defiantly on her hips as she stared down at the man pathetically crouched on his knees before Arnold.
"Arnold?" Helga said wish some quiet intensity, "I know guys like this are good at appealing to your heart because you think they need help, but think of Suzie. She's the one who needs help here, getting away from him!"
"What do you mean? It's me who can't live without her…" Oskar said.
"Yeah, exactly." Helga admonished him, "You're a mooch!"
"You live for free in a boarding house that says 'no kids' and you are calling me the mooch?" Oskar countered.
"Totally different." Helga huffed. "My point stands. You only care about Suzie so long as she pays your bills."
"No, no, it's not true!" Oskar protested, "I don't care about the money, Suzie is the light of my life! I love her so much I can barely express it."
Helga snickered, "Well, you're not wrong on that count…"
"Who asked you?" Oskar shot back, "Arnold, I think your little girlfriend is corrupting you. You were always so nice and generous before she came along."
"Sounds like I'm doing my job then. Just because he's got a big stupid heart doesn't mean he has to be a total sap." Helga smiled smugly as she placed an arm around Arnold, then she said very sardonically, "You know us women, always changing our men."
Arnold chuckled lightly at that notion. Helga certainly was among the few number of people that could get even the slightest hint of a dark side out of him, but not to the point of majorly changing his mild mannered nature. What she said next however disturbed both him and Oskar.
"And next I'll shove my ovipositor through his nose, lay my eggs in his brain, and let my spawn take total control of him from the inside." Helga laughed, "Is that just how alien women are to you clowns?"
Arnold and Oskar blinked in silent shock.
"Well, not that big a mystery." Arnold said.
"No, I think she might be telling the truth. Be careful Arnold…" Oskar warned, "Women are dangerous, it's true… just look what happened to me. I gave Suzie my heart, but all she wants from me is to pay my fair share of the bills or something… why can't she just live on my love while I live on her money?"
Arnold's eyes bored into Oskar, as if trying to dissect him and figure out exactly how sincerely he meant what he said. Even in a family scenario as non-traditional as the one Arnold grew up in, he knew full well that Oskar and Suzie's relationship ranked just below that of Helga's parents in the functional department, even if he'd grown up exposed to it as an every day occurrence. Now he searched Oskar's eyes, wondering if Oskar did in fact love his wife enough to make a sincere effort to change for her before it was too late. Of course, it was past too late now, but that didn't seem to matter to Oskar.
"Do you love her?" Arnold asked plainly, "Do you really, really love her?"
Oskar opened his mouth to answer without hesitation… but he hesitated, upon realizing that this wasn't the sort of question he could just idly respond to. After a few uncomfortable moments of quiet, Oskar at last nodded.
"Yes. Yes I really love her."
Helga rolled her eyes and slumped back down onto the couch, while Oskar's answer apparently satisfied Arnold enough for him to nod his head.
"Well then… okay, I'll help you think up some strategies, but this is something you really need to figure out for yourself." Arnold said.
"Oh don't worry, I have a great idea." Oskar said confidently, "The kind of idea that is always guaranteed to work."
"Oh." Arnold said with some relief, "Well, what's your idea?"
"Ask you for your help." Oskar smiled, and then let loose his usual little teehee laughter as Helga just groaned.
Some day I vow to write a fanfic in which Helga doesn't even feature… no I can't do that. It's impossible for me. She's the only reason I write HA! fan fiction in the first place… even if Oskar dialogue is a lot of fun, too.
Another one of those hazy timeline issues from the show here. Oskar is seen living at the boarding house when Miles and Stella moved in, but Suzie is nowhere to be seen, but in the episode Casa Paradiso Suzie reveals that they moved into the boarding house together as newlyweds… ah whatever, in my head canon she was around and just not featured in "The Journal," and therefore she would have met Miles and Stella, and I can't imagine them not getting along.
Fun fact most of you probably know: Suzie and Oskar are affectionate caricatures of Arlene Klasky and Gabor Csupo, the creators of Rugrats.
It occurred to me Oskar was turning a little Tommy Wiseau with his thoughts on women by the end of this chapter… combine that with the Slavic accent and dear god this is turning into the Hey Arnold! version of 'The Room.' What a terrible, terrible idea…
… …
Oh no, it's giving me ideas…
Well, favorite and review! Or Oskar will try to be your new roommate!
