Response to my reviewers… because that is a thing I do now apparently. I always thought using a PM worked fine, but you do get the occasional anonymous reviews and this is the only way to respond. I didn't get those this time so why start now? Well, like Oskar I'm gonna start trying to change.

The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbah i: With sound logical reasoning like that the story would just come to an end. ;)

Kryten: Haha, that actually gives me an idea for a later exchange between characters…

HumanDictionary: It is pretty low, yeah. And that's what made him funny. To be fair, the first person who told me women change their men was a woman… why I was terrified to date in high school. Never got me into any MRA subreddits at least. I usually think of Oskar as slightly above Big Bob because he honestly comes across as someone stuck in a childlike state… not like a man child but someone who is legitimately stuck in the mindset of a petulant child, which gives him an element of tragedy… which Suzie always fell prey to… hmm…

EnvyTheSkunk: Nobody made that joke… but I'm using it now… XD

Anonymous Latino: Hmmmmmm… put a pin in those thoughts, they might come back… 0.o

starwater09: Thank you! I had the opposite reaction, sorta. As a kid I thought Oskar was just the worst and Suzie was a nice lady who was tragically stuck with him… the older I get the more I feel bad for Oskar (while still feeling bad for Suzie of course), while also seeing that he needs a pretty harsh dose of reality to shake him out of his behavior.

Em Pataki: I hear ya. She's pretty much my everything... and the other characters are my everything else.


Chapter 3: A Fountain of Bad Ideas

Downstairs in the lounge, Stella and Suzie had been joined by Miles, who with his wife recounted their adventures in San Lorenzo after their disappearance. Suzie listened on tender hooks, so entranced by the story she nearly forgot exactly why she had come back to the Sunset Arms in the first place. As Stella mentioned before, there hadn't been much to the story of their disappearance over a ten year period, but the beginning and ending of their story at least proved interesting.

"Asleep?" Suzie asked, "For ten whole years? Really?"

Miles and Stella both nodded.

"I mean… thank goodness it wasn't anything worse than that, but still… you must feel like you're in the distant future now, or something." Suzie said.

Miles pulled his smartphone from his pocket and looked at it with a perplexed look on his face.

"You're not far off…" he said.

Suzie got slightly emotional suddenly, for reasons neither Miles or Stella could detect. Suzie came out with it quickly however.

"I tried to be there for Arnold whenever I could." Suzie said, "All that time without you… oh, he was such a trooper, and such a good kid. You must be so proud of him."

"Hard not to be." Miles laughed. "We're trying our best not to spoil him now, but that's almost as hard as not being proud of him."

"Oh, I don't think anyone could spoil Arnold if they tried." Suzie said, but then she sighed, "Not like I did with that forty year old baby I married…"

"Huh?" Miles asked.

"Suzie came back to…" Stella tried to choose her words carefully, but she didn't need to.

"I gave Oskar divorce papers." Suzie said firmly, "It's over. I'm done. I'm moving on, and he needs to too. I'm just waiting around for him to sign them… which might take longer than I planned... well, enough with the negative, how have things around the boarding house been?"

"Same crazy place as always. Phil and Gertie 'retired,'" Stella said with air quotes, "So, now Miles and I are trying to run things for the most part."

"And of course we wondered about you and where you were." Miles added, "I mean, whenever you came up Oskar kept saying you went to the grocery store… and you'd be back soon. At the risk of sounding stupid, I don't think I ever completely believed that story… so, you finally came back to just pull the plug, huh?"

Suzie's eyes suddenly watered, and Stella elbowed Miles in the side to shush him. Apparently as a side effect of the sleeping sickness, the man had developed a habit of putting his foot in his mouth, and to her own chagrin, Stella had too, but she was often slightly more self aware about it. Slightly.

"Miles…" she said in a hushed tone.

"Sorry…" Miles shrugged sheepishly, "I mean, I know you probably thought he was wasting your life and all so-"

Suzie, apparently more fragile than she had been trying to let on, just broke down and started sobbing more abruptly than even Helga's sister Olga was capable of.

"Sorry, sorry!" Miles insisted as Stella rushed over to place an arm around the distraught woman, "Ever since getting out of the jungle I've had mint flavored shoes or something…"

Suzie got a hold of herself quickly and shook her head as she wiped away the tears.

"No, no…" she said firmly, "Sorry I've just been so… oh I can't believe this, after all this time I thought I was over it but I think I'm still conflicted!"

Miles and Stella looked at one another searchingly. They hadn't known Suzie and Oskar long, and in that brief window ten years ago they had seen them squabble a bit but their marriage hadn't gone completely sour just yet. Ten years had finally taken a toll on Suzie, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually and probably any other number of ways. Upon her arrival today she had stood firm as a monument of determination and decisiveness, but the cracks had shown quickly, and clearly Suzie still held some affinity for Oskar even in the midst of trying to divorce him.

Both Miles and Stella wanted to offer her help, and yet they realized their own unusual but completely harmonious and symbiotic marriage left them with a unique handicap: they had no idea how to advise someone in Suzie's predicament.

"Sorry, Suzie," Miles said, "I mean, we're always eager to help but Stella and I are a little out of our element with something like this."

"Yeah… it's not that we don't care of course, but we just don't have much experience with… well what you've been through. Our own relationship is just too…" Stella fished for the right word.

"Perfect." Suzie said for her.

Miles and Stella smiled forcibly in their slight embarrassment. They had never had to feel ashamed or embarrassed on account of their seemingly impossibly perfect relationship up until this point, and it left them with a slightly sickly feeling inside. Seeing their discomfort, Suzie shook her head and smiled.

"Oh, don't worry." Suzie said, "I'm not comparing. There's nothing to compare. I'm done with Oskar…"

With her last words sounding unconvincing even to her, Suzie once again tightened her fists and pounded them lightly on the table as she gritted her teeth.

"No… no, I came here to end this and that's what I'm going to do… he's not worth it."

"If you don't mind my asking… why did you come in person?" Stella asked, "If you knew Oskar would just try to weasel out or… well, make you feel like this?"

Suzie sighed, but then her expression turned angry as she thought about exactly why she had come here.

"Because I knew if I just sent them by mail he'd ignore them. And more than that, I had to come here myself to… to make this real. I had to see him face to face to prove to myself that it was over… that I was over him… but I still have this stupid unshakeable sense of loyalty!"

Stella rubbed Suzie's shoulders reassuringly and tried to offer some kind of comfort.

"Being loyal isn't stupid…" she said, "I mean, to a point I suppose but still, you can't be hard on yourself for… well, loving him. I don't know the full scope of this so it's all up to you, don't let us butt in. If you still need to think about this now, even if it's gotten that bad I…. wow, this is a minefield."

"Oh, don't worry…" Suzie sighed, "I never thought I was this loyal, but I can still surprise myself apparently…"

"Hey you're not alone, Arnold's the same way." Miles added as he turned his head to his beloved Stella, "And he got that from his mother. She never gave up on me, which is pretty amazing considering the trouble that follows me around."

Stella smiled at him lovingly, saying, "You are worth every bit of trouble that comes with you." She kissed him on the cheek, but then realized being so demonstrably happy with her spouse in front of Suzie was about as unintentionally insensitive as she could be.

"Sorry." she offered a quick apology, but Suzie just looked at them in slight awe.

"Oh don't be." she sighed, "If anything it just gives me hope that I might find something more like what you have… with someone..."

Before they could continue down the uncomfortable road that point threatened to lead, the three of them were abruptly joined by Miles's father Phil.

"Hey, have either of you kids seen my glasses?" he asked, "Oh, that's right I don't wear any- hey, look! It's the good Kokoshka!" Phil laughed, "Thank goodness you're back! I've been trying to train these two, but they've been way too forgiving with Oskar paying the rent on his own installment plan. They're not even charging interest on-"

Despite his bringing up the topics of Oskar and rent, Suzie practically jumped out of her chair and flung her arms around the old man, much to his shock.

"Hey, watch it!" Phil chided, "Trying to give this old man a heart attack or something?"

"it's so good to see you, grandpa!" Suzie cried for joy.

"I'm not your grandpa!" Phil gently pushed her off, "I'm only grandpa to one person in this whole establishment, and yet everyone thinks they can just toss that word around like loose change."

Suzie chuckled, "And I'm glad to see you haven't changed."

"I did too!" Phil stated, "My clothes all just look the same, that's all… oh I see what you mean. Thought you were saying I used to smell or something back when- hey wait… what brought you back? Not Oskar I hope."

Suzie nodded, "He… did."

Phil sighed, "Well, that sadly figures. Too bad. I was betting on you. Better go give Ernie that twenty bucks he bet me that you'd eventually come crawling back to that lowlife… ah well, as long as you're paying the rent and all."

Suzie shrugged his teasing off, but insisted, "I won't be, sorry. I just need to stay here for a little while."

"You can stay here as long as you need to." Stella said warmly, "On the house."

Phil planted his fists on his waist and shook his head disparagingly at the notion.

"Son? The misses here is going to run this crummy dump out of business at the rate she's taking in duckers like this… first short man's girlfriend and now-"

"It won't be for long" Suzie insisted, "Besides, I used to live here. I was part of the family, right?"

"Yes, but we've got an actual family now, we don't have to keep pretending anymore." Phil chuckled, but upon seeing Suzie's lip quivering again he relented, "Alright, alright, you are Oskar's better half and all… funny, usually people say that sarcastically, but in your case I can't think of a better term."

"Well, I don't plan to be his better half for much longer." Suzie said, "I actually came back to get him to sign the uh, divorce-"

"Really?" Phil gasped as euphoria overtook him, "Oh that's wonderful! Well that changes everything! Miles? Get the king suite ready!" The old man dashed out of the room in his excitement, calling out down the hallway, "Hey, Ernie! Pay up! I won the bet!"

Meanwhile upstairs, after a good ten minutes of research online, Arnold presented his findings to Oskar in the hopes of giving him at least a nudge in the right direction. The uncanny feeling of responsibility he felt towards Oskar was a puzzle to him, but not one he dwelt on, whereas Helga just reacted with unbridled scorn. As she lay on the couch holding a magazine up over her face she groaned loudly.

"I'll just be over here, reading my mag while I wait for you to realize what a fool's errand you're on football head." she said, "Just spending a little quality time with myself here. Thought we could have a little of that together, but hey, helping out this underserving bloodsucker is an option too…"

"I'm just giving him a few ideas, that's all. We can go do something soon, I promise." Arnold said, and turned his attention back to his computer screen, "Let's see… according to what I read about trying to save a failing marriage-"

"Hey, let's not use the 'F' word." Oskar protested, "Come on Arnold, I thought you were optimistic?"

"Fine. To save your… somewhat less than perfect marriage, what I read suggested 'softening' towards your spouse."

"I don't know, Arnold." said Oskar, completely devoid of hope, "I don't think Suzie will ever soften."

Helga's palm abruptly met her face upon hearing this out of Oskar.

"It also says it's helpful to forgive." Arnold continued his list of suggestions.

"Okay. Easy." Oskar said, "I forgive her."

"You forgive her?" Helga blurted.

"Yes, for always yelling at me to get a job or saying she was too busy to make me a sandwich. And then lying to me that she was going to the grocery store only to walk out on me for almost a year… I forgive her."

Helga almost did a face palm once again, but stopped herself and just groaned, "Nope. I'm going to run out of face palms at this rate. Are you just… a professional misser of points?"

"And you shouldn't pursue them… don't whine, beg, plead, cry…" Arnold kept reading pointlessly.

"A little late on that one, Football Head…" Helga snickered, "That's his entire modus operandi you just described…"

"Why does she have to be here, anyway?" Oskar moaned. "She's souring my spirits… I need optimism here if I'm going to trick Suzie into loving me again… I mean, force her to love me again… I mean… change my ways. That's what I was trying to say."

Arnold groaned, but realized Oskar was at least making some minuscule effort to shake himself out of his old ways by correcting himself like that. Helga meanwhile didn't even have to voice her reaction, they could all feel it as strongly as if she were screaming. Arnold did have to respect that kind of power she wielded with that glare of hers.

"Oh Arnold, it's true… I love Suzie so much, I swear! I wish I could say the right things, what's really in my heart but it is just so hard and takes so much work, like going up the stairs or chewing my own food… ah heh heh heh heh heh, see? I made a joke at my own expense. I'm self deprecating now and that means I'm becoming self aware, see?"

Arnold smiled and nodded approvingly.

"I just need her to see how much I really love her, but how can I show it?" Oskar asked.

"Well, let's go over what you love about her." Arnold said, "Tell me right off the top of your head what you love about Suzie."

"She pays all of my bills, makes me sandwiches, and takes good care of me when I remind her to." Oskar said, earning frowns from both Arnold and Helga. His eyes darted back and forth before he added, "And she is… very pretty, too? She is my frizzy haired angel?"

"It's kind of amazing." Helga remarked, "You really do not give one solitary crap about anyone, do you?"

"Hey, that's not true!" Oskar said, "I will show you! I just need the right inspiration to… hey that's it! I thought of an idea! See? I'm changing for the better already, I have an actual idea!"

Oskar shoved Arnold out of his chair and sat down at the computer. With surprisingly nimble fingers he typed furiously, beginning his search. Arnold stood up from the floor where he had fallen and looked over Oskar's shoulder.

"And within ten seconds Arnold's computer has about a hundred viruses…" Helga quipped.

"Mr. Kokoshka?" Arnold asked, "What are you-"

"Let's see… oh look! One hundred inspirational movie scenes to help you win back the love of your life… perfect! I can win Suzie back and all I have to do is watch movies! Do you think TV shows would work too?"

Arnold instantly knew this was not the right route to take and he spoke out.

"You can't just do what people do in movies… this is real life, and those are just scripted scenes. If you want Suzie to love you again you'll have to be open and honest… say what's in your heart."

Oskar pondered this for a moment, but quickly shook his head a moment later.

"No, I like this idea better, but keep that one on the back burner in case this doesn't work. Ah heh heh heh heh!"

Downstairs, Suzie had more or less gotten a hold of herself. The company of Miles and Stella and even Phil helped considerably, although on the flip side it did make her miss living in the Sunset Arms to some extent. Internally she scolded herself again, reminding herself how much pain and misery Oskar caused her. It wasn't worth it to stay here just to live with the others if it meant having to put up with remaining married to Oskar.

Stella had fixed her a cup of tea and that at least had soothed her a bit.

"I've… never had a cup of tea quite like this." Suzie remarked.

"My own special herbal fusion." Stella said with some pride, "I first concocted it back in San Lorenzo… totally legal here in the states! I swear."

Suzie laughed but stopped as she noticed a look of confusion on the face of Miles.

"Do you hear music?" Miles asked.

"I can barely hear my own joints popping." Phil said, "Another benefit of aging."

While Phil joked, the two women on the other hand listened carefully, and indeed they could hear something. Stella walked over to the window and opened it and suddenly loud swing music flooded into the previously peaceful lounge.

"Pookie!" Phil shouted, "Are you giving another concert in our yard? I told you it's not legal to charge admission for-"

As he poked his head out the window past Stella he saw the source of the sound. Stella turned back to Suzie and pointed out the window. Confused, Suzie wandered over to the window and looked out into the yard. Standing outside on top of a rusted old car, Oskar held a boom box over his head as it blasted Dino Spumoni's 'You Better Not Touch My Gal' at the boarding house.

"Suzie?" Oskar called out, "Suzie! It's our song, do you remember?"

"Well, what a coincidence, that's Pookie and my song, too." Grandpa said, "Didn't figure you two would have any taste. Maybe the little weasel has a soul after all."

"Except that's not our song." Suzie groaned, "That's not our song, Oskar!"

"What?" Oskar cried out.

"That's not our song!" Suzie repeated.

"What?" Oskar yelled again.

"That's not our song!" Suzie repeated again, "Oskar, this is pathetic even for-"

"What? I can't hear you, our song is playing and these speakers are very loud right on top of my head like this!"

"Oskar!" Suzie shrieked.

"Now I can hear you!" Oskar shouted for joy, "You have the piercing shriek of an angel, my frizzy angel-"

Suzie slammed the window shut, or at least tried to but ended up closing it on Grandpa's head.

"Ow!" the old man wailed, "Hey watch it! If you're trying to kill me, you're not in my will, so don't bother!"

"Sorry…" Suzie muttered in embarrassment, and then closed the window properly.

Outside in the yard Oskar lowered the boom box and turned it off. With a heavy sigh he shook his head.

"I thought I remembered our song... and wait, this didn't work in the movie either…" he sighed, "I need a better one… something more iconic, what should I try next? I wonder if Mr. Hyunh still has any dresses I could use…"

A few minutes later, Miles, Stella and Suzie gathered together in the foyer, preparing to go for a stroll around the neighborhood, hoping to get Suzie away from Oskar for a little while and clear her head. Giving her a chance to reconnect with people, and possibly get their opinions on how to proceed could only help, everyone figured. Before they had a chance to go out the door however, Oskar's incessantly whiny voice echoed from up the stairs.

"Suzie!" they heard him wail.

With a simultaneous roll of their eyes, the three of them turned to see Oskar standing at the top of the stairs wearing a long flowing black dress. Everyone's mouths fell open as he scurried down the steps crying out to his wife.

"Oh, Suzie… Suzie… where shall I go? What shall I do?"

As he grabbed Suzie's hand pleadingly she just stared back at him in complete bewilderment, but then she shook her head and responded.

"Frankly Oskar, I don't give a-"

"Hey, wait a minute, this scene didn't work in the movie either… what kind of stupid list is this?" Oskar shouted as he stormed back upstairs, "I need to think of something more arty or obscure… hey, Mr. Hyunh! Do you still have that wig?"

Miles and Stella just stared as Suzie lowered her head and groaned.

"Sorry, I might be staying here a while…" She sighed.

Despite Oskar's disheartening antics, Suzie, Stella and Miles set off for their stroll around the neighborhood. Seeing Mr. Green and Mrs. Vitello lifted Suzie's spirits some, and just as expected they had advised her to proceed with divorcing Oskar, which bolstered her confidence just a little. When they returned a few hours later, they were alarmed to hear crashing sounds coming from the lounge. Worried this would prove to be the latest in Oskar's series of antics, all three of them rushed inside.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I really hope that's your mother making that noise, Miles…" Stella quipped.

"Yeah, me too…" Miles admitted.

As they approached the lounge however they could hear a distinct voice confirming their fears.

"Why, why Suzie, why?" Oskar's voice rang out.

As they entered the room they saw that Oskar had donned a pair of sunglasses for some reason, and even more confusingly had gotten a hold of a long black wig as well, which now draped down his face like a black oily willow. The room had been partly trashed and Oskar was still going about his little rampage.

"How could you do this to me? You betray me! Everyone betray me! I fed up with this world!" Oskar wailed as he turned over a chair and then grabbed for the TV.

"Oskar, no!" Miles shouted.

Oskar threw the TV down, but quick as lightning Miles dove over to catch it before it crashed to the floor, instead crashing down onto his hands.

"Ow…" Miles groaned.

"Oskar!" Suzie stomped over to the man and ripped the wig off of his head, "What on earth are you doing?"
"You are part of my life! I could not go on without you!" Oskar whined, and then, with his fists clenched up near his head, in the most melodramatic voice imaginable he wailed, "YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SUZIE!"

Suzie turned back to Miles and Stella who looked completely flabbergasted.
"I am so sorry, I'll clean all of this up…" Suzie said, but then realized what she was doing, "Wait! No! Oskar? You clean this up and stop trying to put off signing the papers!"

"I am not putting it off, I am winning you back, there's a difference!" Oskar moaned.

"Well it's not going to work! Especially just by reenacting movie scenes!" Suzie stamped her foot down and clenched her fists, then without wasting any more words on him she turned and left the room while Miles and Stella just stared in silence.

"Don't think I even know what movie this is…" Miles scratched his head as he set the TV back in its place.

He and Stella then departed the room, and from around the corner none other than Helga poked her head in and laughed.

"You're supposed to be digging your way out of this hole. Not digging it deeper." Helga mocked him.

"Oh yeah? Well if I dig deep enough eventually I will dig a hole all the way to China! And then I will be famous for being the first person to actually dig a hole to China! I will be rich and famous and then you will all wish you had been on my side in my time of trial!"

Oskar then stomped out of the room, likely to make his way back to Arnold's room to regroup and come up with a new strategy. Helga watched him leave and scowled at the sight of the pathetic man.

"Oh man… he's not gonna quit… and if any of these ideas actually work she'll be stuck with him forever. Not that I care but… I gotta do something." She began to muse in her dreamy monologging way, "Arnold's helpful nature and desire to bring people together is doing more harm than good… and yet how ironic, that I must be the one to help, by tearing them apart…"


There. I did it. Oskar got Wiseauwned.

Wondering what Oskar will try next? Me too… whatever he does expect it to be completely sincere and from the heart.

Some day I'm going to do more with this recurring plot point of Stella's herbal tea that I keep implying is more than that...

Comment and favorite, or it will tear me apart, Lisa… I mean Suzie…