Chapter 8: Breaking Down

It was around six or seven in the morning of a new day at the hospital, and Kakashi was sitting up in bed, the white blanket pooled around his legs. Since Tsunade had let him retrieve some clothing from his home before the biopsy, he was now wearing a baggy, black jumper with a pair of loose fitting, cotton pants.

In the time that had passed since he had been told about the tumor in his brain, Kakashi had gone through several more scans, and had even endured a brain biopsy, using only local anesthesia throughout the whole procedure.

The nurse came in with tray of breakfast in her arms, balancing a bottle of pills on the platter as well. She pulled up the plastic "table" that was attached to his hospital bed and set down the dishes, picking up a cylindrical container.

"Here you go, Hatake-san. Please take these pills for your headaches," she prompted, handing him a glass of water and a carefully measured amount of the medicine.

Since regular OTC drugs, like the standard acetaminophen he had been using, were not working to ease his symptoms, Kakashi had started to take different, more effective pills. After the nurse left, he warily took the tablets, rinsing them down with a few measly sips of water.

There was a time when I didn't even have headaches…

He picked up the wooden chopsticks and stared at the meal, listlessly mixing and combining the different dishes. The jonin wasn't hungry, even though he hadn't eaten correctly for a few days. His appetite had disappeared.

The door creaked open and Tsunade came in, alone. She softly walked over to his bedside and lowered herself onto one of the plastic chairs. Kakashi just pulled his mask back up, not even looking up from his tray to greet her, his eyes hardened and icy.

"Good Morning, Kakashi," Tsunade started, her gaze fixed on his form, even if he wasn't meeting her eyes.

"Same to you," he replied quietly.

"You know, you should eat. I've noticed that you've been losing weight," she told him with a tinge of concern in her voice upon seeing that he hadn't taken a single bite. What she said was true; during his stay at the hospital, he had lost a few pounds, but you would only notice if you looked closely.

Kakashi didn't answer; instead he set down his chopsticks and turned to face her.

"Is there something you need to tell me, Lady Tsunade?" he asked coldly. Kakashi knew the hokage hadn't come in to his room just to say good morning and talk about his "weight loss". Tsunade crinkled her eyebrows at his lack of kindness.

"Your biopsy results are back," she started softly, ignoring his rudeness, "You have a grade III astrocytoma in your brain. In other words, you have Anaplastic Astrocytoma…a type of brain cancer."

Kakashi closed his eyes, not wanting to believe the absurd reality. His head was hung even lower, silver bangs obscuring the only visible part of his face.

So it's final, then…I do have brain cancer…

"How long…do I have?" he asked softly. Tsunade looked at him with something akin to sympathy. It pained her to see him so upset and...Defeated. The hokage put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"…Look, you can't think like that when it comes to something like cancer…especially the kind that you have," Tsunade started hesitantly, "But if you really want to know…then on average, two years with treatment. And it's common that the tumor recurs as a more aggressive type..."

The copy ninja turned away from her to gaze out the window, his face paling and twisting into a look of despair.

"Whatever you do though, Kakashi…do not, under any circumstances, give up. In all my years living, I could honestly say that you're one of the strongest ninja I've seen. And what do strong ninja do? They fight till the very last breath."

He faced the hokage and gave her a weak smile, hiding all of his insecurities behind a figurative mask.

"Now that's more like it, brat. Anyway, you can leave today. I don't see any point in keeping you cooped up at the hospital before the surgery. Just remember to take the pills we prescribed, alright?" Kakashi slowly nodded in response.

"Um…can you tell me when the surgery is exactly?" he asked, looking into her eyes. Tsunade shifted in the seat, crossing her arms in thought.

"Well, we haven't planned it all out yet, but there definitely will be a surgery. In a few days' time, we'll inform you of the rest of the details, like when it'll take place. We won't be able to take all of the tumor out, though, that's for sure. We'll have to get rid of the rest with radiation and chemo therapy," Tsunade informed him practically, her voice taking on an air of professionalism.

Hah…I guess that's why cancer is deadly…you can't get rid of it all in one go. And even if you do, it just grows right back. Why not just…kill me?


Konoha Hospital; 7:30 in the evening

Kakashi had finished packing up the set of clothing he had brought along with him in a rucksack slung across his back. He had changed into his regular jonin uniform, and was currently standing in front of the hokage and her assistant by the double doors that led outside.

"I'd better not see you in a hospital room before the surgery, brat. Got that?!" Tsunade threatened dangerously, eliciting a cold sweat out of him. The copy ninja just chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head.

"Don't scare him, Lady Tsunade!" Shizune exclaimed in exasperation at her teacher's brutality, "But seriously Kakashi, take care of yourself."

"…Yeah…I'll try," he agreed, honestly just wanting them to stop pestering him about his health. He didn't understand; how were they putting him in control of his own well-being? If something happened to him because of the brain cancer, then he wouldn't be able to put a stop to it, right?

He gave a curt to the two kunoichi standing before him, and made his leave, swiftly heading through the doors.

"Bye, Kakashi!"

"Take care, Gaki."

Their voices faded away as he closed the glass doors behind him and stepped into the crisp evening air, looking up into the murky night sky. He admitted it; after staying in the hospital for a little more than an entire week, it seemed great to finally be rid of all the tedious scans, and annoying tests. It felt nice to not be in bed, walking around freely, even if it lasted only for a short while.

He continued to trudge down the dirt path before him with the backpack hanging across his shoulders, steadily getting further away from the hospital. Kakashi's nostrils were bombarded with a multitude of different, mouthwatering scents originating from the many food vendors lining the long, dusty road. Noises of merriment and hearty laughter invaded his sullen mood as he walked down the streets, no clear destination in place. He stopped before a bar, recognizing the green, vest clad backs of some of his colleagues.

A drink sounded pretty good at the moment.

Kakashi slipped into the booth and heavily slumped onto one of the empty stools, loud, drunken chatter on both his sides.

Right next to him sat Genma, drunkenly babbling to Raidou and Anko about different types of senbon.

"Two-no, three bottles of sake, please," Kakashi said to the bartender, planning on getting very drunk.

He didn't care if he was hungover later, he didn't care if he wouldn't be able to physically walk home afterward. Kakashi just wanted to numb all the overpowering emotions that had been leaking through his impassive shield lately.

The three jonin sitting next to him halted their conversations and turned around to look when they heard the familiar lazy drawl.

"Hey look, guys, it's Hatake!" Raidou slurred, waving his cup in the air.

"So he finally decided to show up, huh? How you doin' scarecrow?" Genma garbled, clapping him on the back. He silently shrugged away from the touch, popping the cap of the first bottle of sake.

Kakashi poured the alcohol into a shallow cup he had been given and pulled off his mask, quickly dunking the liquid into his mouth.

"Why do ya hide yer face if yer so handsome, stupid?!" Anko slurred loudly, leaning forward to peer at him from next to Raidou. The copy ninja downed a few more shots in rapid succession, ignoring the kunoichi. The liquid burned his throat as it slipped past the lump in his gullet, his watering eyes shut tightly.

Why isn't this working?! It's supposed to NUMB me!

With shaky hands, Kakashi uncapped the next bottle, wasting no time in pouring it into his cup and gulping it down. It was like a cycle: Pour. Raise. Drink. Pour. Raise. Drink.

I don't want to feel anything anymore…

His colleagues stared at him in bewilderment; in just ten minutes, he had drunk more than they had, even though they had been sitting there for nearly an hour.

"Hey that's enough-" Genma started, reaching a hand out to Kakashi's shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" Kakashi exclaimed loudly, earning himself the glances of a few other people at the bar. Genma retracted his arm, sharing a look of bewilderment with his two friends.

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL! OH, I RECOGNIZED YOU THE MOMENT I SPOTTED YOUR UN-YOUTHFUL GRAY HAIR!" Gai shouted obliviously, jumping into the bar.

Kakashi ignored him and haphazardly threw the next shot into his open mouth, not even registering the painful sting as he gulped it down.

"Where have you been, Ka-ka-shi?! I haven't seen you for so…" Gai trailed off, finally noticing how fast he was downing the sake and just how…depressed he looked.

Kakashi tried opening the third bottle, but before he could, Gai tightly gripped his trembling fingers, concern etched into his expression.

"What's wrong?" he asked seriously. Kakashi looked down at his lap, hoping that his shaggy hair would hide his watering eyes.

Don't ask me that or…or I'll lose it…

"…Nothing…g-go away," he grunted after a few moments, trying his hardest to push down the rising emotions. Gai pulled a stool and plopped down, his hands never losing their grasp on Kakashi's clammy ones.

"I've been your rival for 13 years, so I know when something's wrong. Now are you going to tell me, or will I have to force it out of you?!"he demanded. It was true; over the years, Gai had learned to recognize every single emotion on Kakashi's bored expression, learning from the slightest change in body language about how he was feeling on the inside.

If possible, Kakashi's head hung even lower, his shoulders slumping heavily.

"Why me…? Why does it always have to be me?" he started softly, "…Why? Why can't God be fair, just for once?"

"What are you saying, Kakashi?" Gai asked, brows furrowed in confusion.

"It isn't fair…" A loose sob broke from his throat, hot tears speckling the dusty black of his pants.

"Kakashi…"

"It's not f-fair…" Gai got up and wrapped his arms around Kakashi's shaking form, tears dampening his green jumpsuit. It was then that Gai realized he had never seen his rival cry before.

"What isn't fair, Kakashi?" What's making you this upset?

"…A-all my life…I've served the leaf village with honor, without betraying it…" Kakashi whispered in between gasps, his head digging into Gai's shoulder, "So why is it me that has to die?!"

"…Dying? What are you talking about, Kakashi?" Gai asked, feeling the silver-haired shinobi's heart beating faster and faster through the embrace. Kakashi roughly pulled away and looked at Gai with wide, panic-stricken eyes, his pale face marred with tear tracks.

"L-lady Tsunade said…I only have t-two more years…" he choked out, his breathing fast and erratic.

"What are you talking about?!" Gai cried in bewilderment, brows furrowing in worry. Kakashi shook his head vigorously, his eyes flitting around the room, never staying in one place.

"I don't want to die…I don't want to die …" he wheezed. Gai gaped at the copy ninja in shock; he had never seen the man exhibit such raw hopelessness. He repeated two words like a mantra, detached from reality.

"Not yet…not yet…"

The silver haired jonin felt as if he was choking on all the emotion bubbling out of him, the emotion that he had so desperately tried to contain, but ended up failing to control.

It's too late to keep inside now, Kakashi thought, clenching the cloth that covered his chest. His frantic breaths were loud and audible; it was getting harder to take in air.

I can't breathe! Why can't I breathe?!

"Kakashi! Get a hold of yourself!" Gai exclaimed with wide eyes, gripping his shoulders.

Genma, Raidou and Anko quickly slid off of their seats and stood next to Gai, their eyes just as open in shock and confusion. Their being there did nothing to help him; his breathing became even more fitful, less and less oxygen supplying his brain.

"He's hyperventilating," Genma deduced with narrowed eyes, his senbon needle wiggling around as he talked.

"Let go! Get off!" Kakashi hissed, digging his finger nails into the palms that held his shoulders down. Gai grunted in pain, biting back a scream. He maintained his hold, although there was blood starting to trickle down his fingers.

"Calm down, Kakashi!" Anko said sternly, her gruff voice laced with tension. He looked up at her with bulging eyes, his flushed visage blemished with uncharacteristic tears.

The copy ninja's fingers slowly grew limp, less and less oxygen reaching his body. His hands loosely fell to his sides, breaths coming in strangled hiccups and gasps.

"Kakashi? Kakashi!" Gai exclaimed in disbelief as his rival's head fell heavily onto his shoulder, a surefire sign that he had completely lost consciousness.

"What just happened?" Anko uttered in incredulity.

"Hell if I know…" Gai started uneasily, worriedly staring down at the figure slumped against him.

"I'm taking him home," the green shinobi concluded, slinging Kakashi over his shoulders with a small grunt. I can't leave him all alone in this state…

He sped out of the bar before the three shinobi could utter another word and raced down the streets, ignoring the strange looks he got from passing civilians. Gai ran twice as fast as usual, his full concentration focused on getting to his meager apartment and taking care of his friend.


After taking off Kakashi's vest and shoes, Gai gingerly set him down on the queen-sized, four poster bed, bringing his own lime green blanket up to the copy ninja's masked chin. He stood there for a few moments and gazed down at his rival's sleeping form, deep in thought.

What could have caused him to cry? A genjutsu?

"Kai!"

No, it's not a genjutsu! But Kakashi's not one to lose his composure so easily…Something serious must have happened.

After using the bathroom and changing into his favorite pair of matching green pajamas, he flicked off the lights that illuminated the bright room and slid into the other side of the bed, right next to his unconscious rival.

I guess I'll just have to ask Kakashi what's wrong in the morning, Gai thought, staring at the ceiling above him, his arm resting underneath his head.

Slowly, his dark orbs shut, and everything faded to black, the tiredness that had accumulated throughout the day taking over.


Kakashi woke up to the sound of chirping crickets and a splitting headache, not the loud ruckus that the sake bar was characteristic of.

The shinobi realized, with a start, that he was definitely not laying in his own bed in his own room; the mattress was much softer than the one he used, and he didn't own a blanket of such bright color.

But the dead giveaway that he wasn't in the security of his own apartment was the mop of black, bowl cut hair peeking out from the green comforter on the other side of the bed. It was still dark, around three in the morning, to be more exact, so Kakashi couldn't really make out who he was lying next to.

He sat up abruptly, wondering if he had made a "mistake" after drinking way too much, when in reality, the only mistake he had made was getting up so quickly. Kakashi's face paled as a sudden wave of nausea passed over him, his head feeling like it had been stuffed to the brim.

He stumbled out of bed and took a few staggering steps to the door of the bedroom, yanking it open and teetering outside into the rest of the apartment in search of the bathroom.

Kakashi opened the first door that he laid eyes on, one that was placed further down the hallway, only a few feet away. The copy ninja was relieved when he saw that it was the bathroom indeed, with the telltale toilet and shower.

He staggered to the toilet and hovered over it, waiting for the uncomfortable feeling to pass. Instead of fading away, the nausea only grew, bile slowly rising up his throat. Kakashi quickly pulled off his mask as his stomach suddenly lurched, and heaved into the toilet bowl, the sour stench of old alcohol and gastric juices stinging his nostrils and causing his eyes to water.

Gai jolted awake, the grotesque sounds of retching stirring him out of his slumber. He glanced to his side, expecting a head of silver hair to be resting on one of his pillows. Instead of laying eyes on his sleeping rival, Gai saw that the bed was completely empty, the sheets hastily thrown back.

If Kakashi's not in bed, that means he's…

Gai jolted out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, his eyes widening when he saw that his rival was hunched over the toilet and heaving out his stomach's contents, his hands tightly clenching the porcelain sides.

"Kakashi!" Gai exclaimed in concern, placing an alarmed hand on the copy ninja's bowed back.

After rinsing the putrid taste out of mouth, Kakashi sighed and rose to his full stature, slipping his mask back up.

"Ah…so it's your house I'm at, Gai," he said coolly, pretending like Gai had not seen him throw up, or witness him breaking down the night before. Gai clicked his tongue in annoyance at his friend's indifferent behavior.

"How can you act so-Ah, never mind! Hold on, I'll get you some water!" he shouted exasperatedly, before clumsily running into the kitchen.

Kakashi slowly followed him out of the hallway, stopping in the living room oriented right next to Gai's kitchen. He watched patiently as his rival foraged the refrigerator with passion, not stopping until he'd obtained what he was searching for.

"Finally, I've found it!" Gai shouted, pumping a fist into the air.

Only he would get so worked up after finding a bottle of water, Kakashi thought bemusedly.

Gai jumped over to his rival and handed him the cold water bottle, his hastily bandaged palms on full display. Kakashi took it hesitantly, eyes fixed on Gai's injuries.

"Your hands…what happened?" he asked, dark orbs narrowed in suspicion. Gai's eyes widened in surprise, and he quickly hid his hands behind his back.

"You don't remember?" he inquired uneasily.

"Remember what?" Kakashi replied, his head lightly cocked to the side, indicating his confusion. What had taken place at the bar was a blur to him, much to his irritation. Although he didn't recall what he did exactly, the emotions he had felt still lingered.

"Never mind that...we need to talk, Kakashi…about what happened last night," Gai prompted, plopping onto his suede couch. He patted the spot right next to his self, asking his rival to sit with him.

Kakashi reluctantly joined Gai, slowly taking a seat beside him.

"…Kakashi," Gai started softly, "why were you so upset last night?"

The copy ninja shifted on the couch, looking down at his hands. He moved his lips in an attempt to speak, but nothing came out. The only sound amidst the deafening silence was the hypnotic chirping of crickets.

"Kakashi…" Gai whispered in concern, placing a warm, encouraging hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Gai," he croaked after a few long moments, not meeting his eyes, "I'm sick."

"You're sick? What kind of sickness?! I have some medicine in my bathroom cabinet!" Gai exclaimed, already jumping up to fetch him the said remedies from his restroom. Kakashi shook his head sadly, chuckling dryly at his proclaimed rival's antics.

"I doubt any of the medications you have can cure me," the copy ninja choked out, his voice breaking under the weight of all the renewed emotions.

"W-what…what do you mean, Kakashi?" Gai asked in confusion, growing more and more nervous by the second. The youthful ninja sat back down in his previous spot, his gaze fixed intently on Kakashi's slumped, defeated form.

"G-gai... I have c-cancer," Kakashi whispered with great difficulty, "In my brain."

The few words hit Gai like a tsunami would to a small village, breaking down all of the carefully constructed homes and small shops. A single tear slid down a tanned cheek, his quivering lips parted in shock.

Cancer…Kakashi has cancer.

Many more salty tears threatened to spring out of Gai's shiny orbs, but that was before he saw the wet drops staining his rival's own dusty pants, continuing to fall from eyes hidden under spiky, silver locks.

Gai pushed back his lingering depression, quickly wiping away the bitter wetness that marred his own face.

How much more selfish can I get! My rival is in pain, and I am here shedding tears instead of comforting him!

With newfound passion, Gai pulled Kakashi's trembling form into a tight embrace, running a callused hand through his silver hair. Kakashi collapsed into the hug, in desperate need for some kind of comfort; a reassurance that he would be okay, that he wouldn't die.

The copy ninja's stifled weeping permeated the silent, rigid atmosphere that had settled around Gai's apartment. The sound was so foreign coming from such a renowned ninja.

Kakashi's cries only grew louder from there, his body racking with a sudden onslaught of sobs. He needed an outlet, a way to deal with the heavy burden suddenly placed on his shoulders. The shinobi needed a good cry, if you will. Gai was moved to tears himself, never having seen a usually emotionless man break down in such a manner.

Kakashi's not supposed to be the one crying! I never want to see him cry!

He tightened his hold and shut his eyes, continuing to let Kakashi's heart-breaking wails wet his shoulder. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he gulped down his own sobs.

"Shh, my rival…You must stay strong," he started softly, refusing to let his voice waver.

"B-but Gai, they said I only have two more years! I'm not ready to be bedridden…and as much as I thought I was, I'm not prepared to die yet…" Kakashi breathed shakily, shivering under all of the impending pressure.

Gai pulled away from the hug and stood up abruptly, facing his rival.

"I refuse to believe it!" he exclaimed with passion, "A disease, or even a doctor has no right to determine when your life ends! Your life only ends when you yourself decide to let it end, when you don't have the strength to continue any further! And my eternal rival, if you have the will to fight, then it is impossible that you will lose against this cursed cancer!"

Kakashi tilted his head up to meet Gai's gaze, his face blotchy, and his eyes red and glossy with unshed tears.

"I truly believe that you have the courage to outlast this, Kakashi!" Gai told him with a sparkling grin, his hand outstretched to give the copy nin a thumbs-up.

After staring at him in astonishment for a few moments, Kakashi gently closed his eyes, the corners of his mouth turning up behind his mask.

"…Thanks, Gai," he said softly, wiping away any leftover evidence that he had indeed cried. By that point, he was exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

"Anytime, my eternal rival!" Gai replied, the grin never leaving his face.

"I'm sorry…about crying like that. It was wrong of me to let go of my emotions…" Kakashi apologized, bowing his head in embarrassment. Although he was mortified to have broken down in front of Gai, Kakashi had to admit that letting his emotions run through for once, had made him feel much better, as if the burden had been lifted off of his shoulders, if only by a little.

"No, no, you should've! It's not like I believe in those stupid shinobi rules, anyway. If you had stayed rigid for so long, then you would've snapped eventually!" Gai explained quickly, making wide gestures with his hands.

Kakashi looked up and gave his rival a small smile, glad that nothing had really changed in between them.

"So…what's next?" Gai asked curiously, shifting his weight.

"Hm…well, I have an upcoming surgery, although I'm not sure when it is, exactly. I'll tell you when they let me know," he replied, his usual, calm demeanor back firmly in place.

"Oh…hey, are you going to…tell anyone else?"

Kakashi stiffened at the sudden question. It had already been painfully hard to tell even Gai, probably his closest friend, about his current predicament, so how in the world would he be able to tell anyone else?

"You know what, it's okay. No one's forcing you to—"

"No, no. I'll tell…Kurenai and Asuma," Kakashi cut in thoughtfully, still a little hesitant. Out of all people, at least they deserved to know, he supposed. They had come to visit him at the hospital with Gai.

"What about your pupils? What were their names? Naruto, Sakura, and Sa…Sakuse…?" Gai questioned, crossing his arms.

"Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke," Kakashi chuckled, "But on a serious note, I don't think I should tell them just yet…"

I don't want them to get involved in all of this…it would be better to keep them under the impression that their sensei is doing just fine.

The two glanced at the window, watching as the sun slowly rose up from behind the trees, the light filtering into the dark room.

"This reminds me…I haven't been to training in more than a week. I guess I should head home and get ready to make it up to them," Kakashi started, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head of silver hair.

"No, you're taking the day off to stay in with me! You can go train tomorrow when you're fresh and well rested," Gai commanded loudly, pointing an intimidating index finger at his rival.

"…Yeah, yeah, fine," Kakashi agreed, albeit a bit reluctantly. They're going to have my arse when I go back…

"OH YEAH!" Gai exclaimed passionately, pumping a fist into the air.

Isn't he a bit too excited? Eh, Gai gets excited about everything, so I guess this is normal.

"So whaddya want for breakfast?" his rival asked him expectantly, heading into the kitchen and scanning the insides of the pantry.

"Um…I mean, what do you have, Gai?" Kakashi replied, padding across the wooden floor and loitering behind Gai. He would've turned down the offer, except he was smart enough to know that his rival wouldn't take that as an answer.

"Eggs! I have eggs! And cereal too!" Gai exclaimed with a jump, starting to fish through the meager contents of his fridge for the few eggs he had had left.

Oh brother…

And with that, the two rivals spent the rest of the morning in each other's company, eating rolled omelette and dry cereal, since Gai had preferred training to doing the groceries, again.


Author's Note: Er...How is it? Sorry for any stupid grammatical errors. It's like 3 in the morning right now. Why am I even awake? Don't I have anything better to do? Shouldn't I listen to the bags under my eyes? Shouldn't I be doing my SUMMER READI-Anyway, let me know if you think Kakashi's being over dramatic. You know, it actually makes sense that he is, if the tumor's in his frontal lobe-AH! shut up, me! Sorry, I'm being a nerd. Okay, don't forget to leave some reviews and and all of that dkjjhedmwedwef. With that being said, good night.