Chapter 13: You Have to Tell Them Now
Sakura clung onto Kakashi's cold, limp, hand, the one that wan't hooked up to a number of different IV catheters, her expression painted with dread upon seeing that her sensei was still sleeping like the dead. Naruto and Sasuke stood right next to their pink-haired teammate, both of them gripping the metal railing that lined the mattress as if their lives depended on it. They were thinking the exact same thing as her; It was about twelve in the morning, and practically a whole day had passed since Kakashi had initially lost consciousness, so why was he still sleeping?
They had refused to leave his side the whole day, as did Kurenai, Asuma and even Gai, who had seen them rushing to the hospital and came along without any hesitation. The image of Asuma cradling a limp, blue-faced Kakashi in his arms, jostling his motionless form as he ran, was engraved into Gai's mind. He never wanted to see Kakashi in such a weak, unmoving state ever again.
The usually exuberant shinobi was uncharacteristically quiet as he took in Kakashi's prominent dark circles and sickly pallor. God, he had been so naive-no, selfish. He'd thought that Kakashi would be fine with treatment, that he could handle this all on his own, just like he always did. But Kakashi had freaking cancer, and he didn't visit him even once to check up on him, to make sure that he hadn't collapsed cold onto the ground. And now, his rival was laying in a hospital bed, a screen making sure that his heart was still beating, fluids being forced down his veins to restore his drained strength, the same strength that Gai had failed to preserve. He would never be able to forgive himself.
The door opened suddenly and Tsunade trudged in, Shizune at her side. The hokage had just finished going through Kakashi's treatment plan with the best of her medical staff for hours on end, so she was exhausted, as was her apprentice. Because of the unexpected seizure, which had lasted much too long, they were prompted to reconsider the date that the surgery was previously planned to take place on.
"Granny!" Naruto cried hopefully, breaking the tense silence that had settled over the room. The hokage gave a small, weary smile in return, before heading over to the copy ninja's bed side, all eyes on her.
"So," she started, noting how Kakashi's washed out visage rivaled the bleached, white color of the covers, "Has he woken up at all yet?"
The anxious air settled around them once more, before Kurenai spoke up for everyone.
"No, milady. He's been unconscious this whole time," she said softly, gaze directed to the center of the room, where the hospital bed was oriented. Tsunade nodded slowly, sighing as she took in the new information.
"Could it be that he's in a coma?" Asuma thought aloud, brows furrowed. It was possible, as Kakashi had even slept through his Genin's loud, conversational bickering.
Without answering the Sarutobi, Tsunade put a hand to Kakashi's shoulder and shook it lightly.
"Kakashi," she said gently, with a bit of firmness instilled into her voice at the same time, "It's time to get up now."
The occupants of the room, namely the Hatake's three Genin, watched, horrified, as he stayed completely still, the only indication that he was alive being the slight way that the sheets rose up and down every time he took in and let out a breath, and the hypnotic beating of the heart monitor itself.
"Come on, Kakashi. Open your eyes."
Tsunade frowned and shook him again, but was given the same response, which was nothing at all.
"L-lady Tsunade," Sakura whispered, her chin quivering, dark circles beginning to form under her jade eyes, "Is Kakashi-sensei in a c-coma?"
"Just hold on, Sakura," Tsunade said, attempting to comfort the Genin, "I seriously doubt that he is. After going through such a bad seizure, it's only natural that his body sleep it off."
But just to make sure...
The hokage grasped the thin blankets in between her thumb and index fingers and slowly peeled them off, exposing Kakashi's chest to the sterile chill of the hospital room. Tsunade gathered her fingers into a fist and gently brought them down to Kakashi's sternum, resting her folded hand on Kakashi's chest for a few pondering moments, before grinding her fisted fingers across his breast bone, applying pressure that she knew for a fact would cause any lucid person to cry out in pain.
Sure enough, the Hatake let out a low groan in his sleep, his fingers twitching ever so slightly as he shifted uncomfortably on the mattress.
"Kakashi's perfectly fine, he's just sleeping," Tsunade informed them with a smile, gently pulling the blanket's edge back up to his neck. They all collectively released a breath that they hadn't realized they were holding.
"As for all of you guys," The Hokage started, her voice becoming stern once more, "Go down to the cafeteria on the first floor and get something to eat."
The group had been there the entire day, and hadn't stopped to eat dinner, or even lunch, using the argument that Kakashi needed someone to stay with him until he woke up.
"But Granny! Kakashi-sensei isn't even awake yet!" Naruto exclaimed exasperatedly, "We can't just leave him here...We won't leave him here!"
"That's an order, Naruto. If you fail to follow it, you are going against the Hokage's wishes."
The blonde pouted and looked away, his eyes squinted petulantly,"Hokage's wishes my foot! I'm not going to leave my sensei's side until he's better!"
"Naruto!" Sakura hissed, "That's the hokage you're talking to!"
But it wasn't like she didn't agree with him. One could tell by the way her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and how her grip had only tightened on Kakashi's pale, unresponsive hand, that Sakura also dreaded leaving Kakashi's bed side.
"No! No, you don't understand! I-I didn't do anything..." Naruto started, his voice cracking with emotion, cerulean orbs glistening with unshed tears, "I didn't do anything to help Kakashi-sensei...I just...I was useless!"
"Naruto..." Sakura whispered shakily, her bottom lip quivering.
Sasuke stood his ground in deafening silence, his trembling fists clenched at his sides, black bangs shadowing his eyes from view.
How was he supposed to have known how to handle the situation? That wasn't just something you learned in the Academy. Well, Sasuke probably could've done something, but his body had completely frozen up. As much as his mind had screamed for his legs to move forward, to take at least one step in Kakashi's direction, they simply didn't, because he was...scared. Sasuke admitted it: He had been terrified.
The three jonin watched Kakashi's students lose their composure, the scene tugging the bottoms of their hearts. They knew one thing for sure: they would never want their students to be in the same predicament as the Genin before them.
"Oi," Tsunade said firmly, snapping everyone out of their stupors, "If you really want to help the brat, then go downstairs and eat something. I'm sure he wouldn't want any of you to go hungry."
No one, not even the the adults, moved a muscle toward the direction of the door. Tsunade sighed.
"You could also get Kakashi something to eat while you're there. He...He's pretty malnourished."
That statement seemed to convince everyone, as they slowly filed out of the room they had been occupying since morning, throwing one last glance at the Hatake, who looked so uncharacteristically weak in the depths of the white sheets that covered his form, before they left.
Tsunade waited until the group had exited the hospital room and closed the door behind them to heave another sigh.
"Shizune," she started, the exhaustion evident in her voice, "How are we going to tell him?"
"We'll just have to let him know of what to expect, just like we do with every other patient, Lady Tsunade..." her assistant replied, giving the standard, diplomatic answer.
"You saw how he reacted when we told him about the tumor, Shizune. And that was just the cancer itself...We hadn't even begun to talk about the treatment..."
Kakashi slowly opened his eyes, his strained gaze meeting a bleak, white ceiling. Even in his semi-conscious state, he was able to decipher that he was occupying one of the many rooms of Konoha Hospital.
"I can't stand it," the Hokage continued, unaware that the Hatake was now conscious, if only barely, "I...I just don't know how we're going to tell him that the surgery isn't next month anymore...And then the complications..."
She ran a hand through her blonde hair, which for once looked unruly, with a few lone locks escaping from her two loose ponytails.
"Lady Tsunade..." Shizune said softly, her voice warm and soothing, brows scrunched up in distress at noting how uncharacteristically tense the hokage was, "Everything... will be fine."
"How are you so sure, Shizune?" Tsunade questioned, tilting her head sideways to look at the kunoichi standing beside her at Kakashi's bedside.
"It's not something that I can explain...I just have this gut feeling that tells me Kakashi will pull through...He's a strong shinobi, Lady Tsunade."
At that moment, the Hatake unwillingly let a pained groan escape past his lips, which were uncomfortably chapped under his mask. His muscles ached to no end, and his whole body felt unusually sore, as if it were bruised all over, as if he had been beat up thoroughly after running a long marathon. He strained his neck to the side, attempting to face the source of the two voices he had been hearing.
"Lady...Tsunade..." Kakashi rasped with great difficulty, barely able to address his leader with how unbearably parched his throat was. The two women snapped their gazes toward him, undiluted surprise glistening in their wide eyes.
"Kakashi? You're awake!" Shizune exclaimed in relief, her lips pulled into a wide grin. Tsunade couldn't help but smile herself, glad that he had finally woken after being asleep for a whole twenty four hours.
"Wa...ter..." he croaked desperately, silver eyebrows furrowed in discomfort at how his mouth was devoid of any moisture, and the grotesque, acidic taste that was overwhelming his pallet.
Shizune hurried to a small table in the far corner, which had a convenient pitcher of water and cup placed on it, returning with a tall glass of the cool liquid. Tsunade positioned one of her hands under Kakashi's neck and rested the other across his bruised chest, gently lifting his head off of the pillow so that he would be able to down the water. She chose to ignore his pained grunts.
"My...mask..." Kakashi managed to say after his upper body had been lifted substantially off of the bed, his exhausted gaze locking with Shizune's dark orbs, pleading for her to just remove the cloth. The kunoichi nodded in understanding and hooked two fingers into the mask, before slowly peeling it down to his neck and revealing his cracked, dehydrated lips to the stark air.
When Shizune brought the edge of the glass to his mouth, Kakashi didn't hold back; he took fast, greedy sips, a trickle of water finding it's way out of the glass and trailing down his pale chin. Through all of this, the hokage held his shoulders firmly, making sure his form was in place, that he didn't fall back and hurt himself even further.
"More," he breathed after drinking every drop of the liquid he had been given, tiredly leaning back into Tsunade's unmoving hold. Even the simple action of straining his neck forward had stolen a portion of his energy.
"No, Kakashi. Just wait a little bit, you don't want to throw up again," Tsunade explained as she lowered Kakashi back onto the mattress, adjusting the sheets around him so that they covered most of his form, and pulling his mask back up, as she knew he was starting to get uncomfortable. Although his mouth still yearned for the sweet feel of hydration, Kakashi didn't argue after that because he really didn't want to throw up another time.
"Do you think you can stay awake? We've got something to tell you..." Tsunade started, gaze fixed on the wall opposite from her stance, Kakashi's silver hair in her peripheral vision. He sighed, suspecting even more bad news, but wanting to go to sleep at the same time.
"Yeah...I'll stay awake."
The hokage shared an uneasy glance with Shizune, her lips pursed, who gave her a short, encouraging nod to begin the conversation.
"Kakashi..." she said softly, "The surgery we told you about, the one to remove your tumor...It's in three days."
The copy ninja sat up in bed, ignoring how his muscles were rebelling against the movement, his eyes wide in shock.
"What? B-but I thought you said...You said I had time before the surgery," Kakashi uttered shakily, a surge of adrenaline streaming through his veins, his mind overwhelmed by a sudden fear of this impending operation on his brain.
"I know-I know I said that, Kakashi, but things have changed now. Your tumor has gotten too big for us to ignore. If we don't treat it now, it might press onto important tissue and cause irreversible damage...Your most recent seizure was a sign that we have to start treatment right away."
Kakashi bowed his head, his dark orbs fixed on the white sheets that obscured his sore legs from view as he processed the information he had just been given. Just the sheer prospect of having someone tamper with such a vital organ of his was absolutely terrifying.
"What happens...if I don't do the surgery?" he said after a few moments of stifling quiet, oddly calm. Tsunade's eyes widened.
"Y-you aren't planning on not getting the craniotomy done, are you?" she questioned anxiously. Kakashi tilted his head up and matched her gaze.
"I'm not ready, Lady Tsunade. I'll admit it, I'm just not prepared for such a major change-"
"You'll never be ready, dammit!" Tsunade cried out suddenly, grabbing him by the shoulders, "It's not possible to be ready for things like this, you idiot!"
The copy ninja was thrown into shock once again, his head jerking back and forth as she tried to shake some sense into him.
"Lady Tsunade, stop! Please, stop it, he's the patient, it's his call!" Shizune exclaimed frantically, a pleading hand outstretched as she reflexively stepped forward.
"You don't get it, do you?! If you don't get this surgery done, YOU'LL DIE!"
An eerie silence settled around the three of them, and everyone stayed still, as if time itself had frozen. The harsh lines on Tsunade's face softened almost immediately, her eyes widening as she realized what she had just said. But it didn't matter that she regretted it; the damage had been done.
Kakashi took in a sharp breath, his teeth gritted as a lone tear escaped out of his wide eyes and plopped onto the white sheets, leaving a small, wet imprint. His shoulders shivered under the tight hold that the hokage's hands had on them, once again feeling the burden that having cancer had placed on them. It took a deadly disease to make him realize how much he wanted to live, just how much of a pathetic human he was for clinging onto life.
Tsunade felt the guilt weighing down on her own shoulders as she watched the Hatake break down once again. Without a moment of hesitation, she enveloped his trembling form into an embrace. Shizune quietly stood beside them, respecting her two superiors enough to let them have the necessary moment.
"I'm sorry," the hokage breathed, eyes shut close as a few tears slid down her cheeks, "I'm so sorry, Kakashi, for everything that's been going on. You don't deserve this, none of this should be happening to you. I should be in your place...God should've given me cancer in your stead."
"Don't say that, Lady Tsunade...you're the hokage...you actually matter to the world..." Kakashi choked out, his chin resting on her shoulder, the painful lump in his throat making it hard to speak. Tsunade only hugged him even tighter.
"Kakashi...I might not look it, but I'm old. I've seen as much as I'm going to see, and I've experienced more than I ever could. You...you have a whole life ahead of you," she started, her gruff voice noticeably steadier, "Don't let something like this take hold of you, don't let it keep you from moving forward and enjoying things like someone your age is supposed to be doing. I know it's...it's got to be hard. And that's okay. It's okay to feel sad and depressed, or stressed out, or shocked. But it's not okay to keep it all in."
She put a put a strong hand on his back and gently started rubbing small, calming circles across it.
"That's why, Kakashi...That's why I want you to let it out. All of these feelings you've had, the hate, the shock, the depression, the fear; just let them all out. Don't hold it in anymore."
Kakashi heaved a shuddering breath, his eyebrows pushing together as a sudden wave of despair came across him. Another tear slipped out of his wide eyes, dripping onto the green fabric that clothed Tsunade's shoulders.
"I'm sorry for not being there for you, Kakashi..." Tsunade whispered, softly stroking his silver hair, smoothing his bangs away from his forehead, "Have you been dealing with this all alone?"
Because if you have, I'll never be able to forgive myself...
"N-no...I told Gai,"Kakashi reassured her, making the slight motion of shaking his head, "He...he helped me."
"Is Gai the only one you've told, Kakashi?"she questioned in quiet solemnity, "Do...do your Genin know that you have cancer?"
Tsunade felt a warm, salty liquid dampen her cloak even further.
"I haven't...I haven't told them..." Kakashi wheezed, feeling as if he had betrayed his students.
He hadn't told them yet because he wanted to preserve their innocence, because he didn't want them to experience a loved one's death at such a tender age. The last thing that Kakashi wanted was for them to turn out like he had been after his father's suicide, a cold, miserable jerk who was insensitive to everyone else's feelings, and didn't believe in love or family anymore. He knew that some of them, especially Sasuke, had experienced pain and loss before, but that gave him all the reason to make sure they never did again.
Although he'd had good intentions from the very beginning, and still did, now he just felt like a deceitful snake.
"Kakashi...they deserve to know. For some of them, you're the closest thing to family..." Tsunade persuaded, "I tell you what, why don't you give them the news when they come back up from eating dinner? You know, they've been here for a whole day, worrying their asses off about you. They only left to eat dinner because I forced them to..."
Kakashi shook his head vigorously, the intervals decreasing between each hypnotic beat the heart monitor made.
"I c-can't...It'll ruin them, they'll hate me...they'll...they-"
"What?" Tsunade interrupted, "Will they feel pain? Will they hurt? Is that what you're so worried about? Well, they'll feel hurt if they find out you've been keeping something so important a secret. And besides, you can't do this alone, Kakashi. You need your precious people -all of them- standing by your side. "
"But Lady Tsunade, they're just kids, they don't need to be exposed to this kind of-"
"Stop babying them, dammit," Tsunade said, not wanting to hear another word of him trying to be the guardian, "This is about you. If you let them know, will you feel better?"
"...Yes," Kakashi admitted softly, after a long pause.
"Then tell them. Tell them, Kakashi. I know they won't hate you afterward, they're just not like that."
All three of their heads jerked toward the closed door as they heard footsteps approaching the hospital room.
"They're here," Tsunade aloud. She awkwardly pulled Kakashi away from her embrace and set him back into the pillows, so that he was sitting up in bed. He gave her a look of pure fear and apprehension, his eyes wide, visage taking on an unhealthy pallor. He would have to tell them now. In a few mere moments, he was going to snatch away his Genin's innocence.
"You'll be fine, Kakashi," Tsunade encouraged with a smile, giving him a few uplifting pats on the shoulder, "If they mess with you, I'll kick their asses to Suna."
The door opened and with a creak, revealing the very people they had been talking of. Sakura was the first to step in, her pale hands gripping a plastic tray of food, gaze drawn to the floor. Sasuke and Naruto followed her inside, deep in thought, just as she was. It was the adults behind them that were actually attentive enough to realize that Kakashi was sitting up in bed, his consciousness restored.
"Kakashi?!" Gai exclaimed, rushing past the three Genin, who's heads had snapped up at the mention of their sensei, "You're finally awake!"
Before any of the other jonin could take another step forward, Kakashi's students bolted toward their sensei's side, their breaths catching in their throats upon seeing that he was lucid, that he wasn't in a coma.
"KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Sakura shrieked fervently, jumping onto the bed and wrapping her arms around his abdomen in a tight hold, the tray carelessly abandoned atop the bit of blanket by his covered feet. Her head rested on his bruised sternum, tears wetting the thin cloth that covered his chest. Kakashi put a tremulous hand to her head in an attempt to smooth her pink hair back, the small gesture requiring more effort than it should have.
"S-sensei!"Naruto cried, gripping the metal railing on one side of the bed. He ached to hide in Kakashi's comforting embrace, to have his sensei tousle his blonde locks and reassure him that he was okay. But with one tiny glance at Sasuke, who was standing right beside him, his demeanor cold as always, Naruto stuffed his emotions back down. Sasuke didn't say a word, just acknowledged Kakashi with a single 'hn' and a nod of the head.
"Hey, guys. What's up?" Kakashi croaked, hiding his anxiety behind a mask, a facade of cool indifference. I have to tell them.
"What's up?!" Naruto exclaimed, clearly exasperated, "You wake up after a whole day of being unconscious and that's what you say!"
"Kashi-sensei..." Sakura sniffed childishly, releasing him from her stifling embrace, "We were all so scared...what was that? Are you going to be o-okay?"
Kakashi remained quiet, gazing intently at the needle inserted into his wrist. Although he had accepted that he would have to tell them sooner or later, he just couldn't bring himself to...
"Lady Tsunade," Kurenai said, her embellished lips pulled into a frown at the unbearable silence, "What brought on the seizure?"
Her words were concise and straight to the point, articulated in a quiet, but firm manner that demanded the truth at once. Tsunade shared a look with Kakashi and gave him a minuscule nod, a signal that it was time. Telling them of the news was his responsibility, and only his.
Gai gazed at Kakashi with a meaningful look from the foot of his hospital bed, and when they finally did make eye contact, he smiled slightly and rose his thick eyebrows, encouraging him to finally let out all that he had been hiding. Kakashi took a deep breath.
"The thing is, guys...I'm not okay."
Naruto and Sakura gasped simultaneously, while the rest of the occupants of the room frowned, their brows furrowing in curiosity at what he could possibly mean by that. The atmosphere became thick with tension and anxiety with just those few words, a haunting, tense quiet settling all around them.
"In three days, I have a surgery," he explained softly, trying his best to maintain eye contact with all of them, "Because I...b-because..."
The hypnotic beats became fast and irregular and his hands started to shake noticeably. A bead of sweat slid down his cheek, his face paling to an unhealthy, white hue. Kakashi bowed his head.
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.
Gai came forward on instinct and put a hand on Kakashi's shoulder, giving it a small squeeze, his unease and worry hidden behind a warm grin. Even that small gesture seemed to have helped Kakashi, as he inhaled, then exhaled, and continued on with his confession.
"I have a surgery in three days because...I have brain cancer."
"Y-you can't joke about things like that, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto chuckled nervously, being the first to utter a single word.
"I'm completely serious..." the copy ninja said softly, his intent gaze locking with Naruto's blue orbs. The blonde looked away.
"NO! Th-this is a test!" Naruto cried, ignoring the solemnity of the atmosphere, "I-I know! This is part of our training, isn't it!"
Naruto's eyes gleamed with a kind of desperate, clinging hope that all of this really was a crude old joke that Kakashi was playing on them, even though it had become almost completely obvious by that point that it was not. Gai put a firm hand on Naruto's shoulder, closing his eyes and shaking his head to halt his naive assumptions. It was hard for him as an adult, a full fledged shinobi, to come to terms with Kakashi's illness, so he couldn't even began to imagine how difficult it must be for the young Genin to take the sudden news.
"No...No..." Naruto whispered in denial, his face falling dramatically. Sakura's hand was clamped over her parted lips, her narrow shoulders heaving with every audible, panicked breath she took. Her jade eyes were wide in shock, tears escaping from their red rims and streaming down her round cheeks. Sasuke was completely still, unable to move. Perhaps his heart had frozen as well, because he couldn't feel a thing, as if the blood had stopped circulating through his body, as if he had stopped living, breathing. He felt numb.
"Damn," Asuma uttered solemnly, running a hand over his face, everything he had been suspecting clicking into place,"Shit...Shit."
"Oh God...Kakashi..." Kurenai breathed, a few tears springing from her own crimson orbs. She came forward and enveloped him in a hug, wanting to comfort him, but needing the comfort herself. Kakashi's arms were limp at his sides, his head buried into her shoulder, eyes hidden from view. He regretted telling them, all of them. It was his fault they were in so much pain.
Kurenai retracted her hands from his waist and turned to his three students, who looked as is they had just lost everything.
"Go on..." she encouraged, resting a hand on Sakura's shoulders, giving them a light squeeze.
Sakura timidly moved her gaze to her sensei's lonely form on the bleak hospital bed. Although her teammates were probably too dense to notice, she was different; Sakura saw the pain and loneliness gleaming in Kakashi's dark orbs. She could tell that his form was yearning to be hugged, to be comforted instead of being the one doing the comforting.
"Kakashi-sensei..."Sakura whispered shakily, shuffling closer to his side, her heart pounding, "K-Kashi sensei!"
The Haruno tackled him into an embrace, her wiry arms wrapped around his abdomen, tears dirtying the front of his shirt. Kakashi quickly pulled her into his chest, his face twisting into a look of torture as her wet sobs pierced his ears. Naruto watched the two with longing, his breath hiccoughing unknowingly, tears streaming down his tanned cheeks. Without looking at the frozen Uchiha standing beside him, he trudged to Kakashi's other side, almost as if he were in a trance.
"Naruto..." Kakashi said softly, trying to instill as much comfort as he could in just his voice. The Uzumaki was standing beside him, hands clenched into trembling fists, salty liquid escaping out of closed eyes.
"Listen, Naruto...I'm so sorr-"
Naruto jerked forward and planted his head onto Kakashi's pillow, his form trembling. After a moment's pause, Kakashi slowly withdrew one of his hands from Sakura's shivering back and rested it on Naruto's head of blonde hair, trying to let him know with a single touch that he would be just fine, that he was barely even sick. The Uzumaki buried his face into Kakashi's open chest and clung onto the fabric that clothed his waist, every sniffle forcing him to breathe in his sensei's scent.
"You're going to die...you're going to die..." Naruto sobbed, clutching his shirt even tighter. At those words, Sakura trembled even more, a new flood of tears wetting Kakashi's bare flesh under his clothing.
"No," Kakashi said firmly, pulling them in even closer, "I'm not going to die."
His two students looked up at him in awe, eyes glossy, noses red and raw.
"I'm not going to die."
Author's Note: It's been so long since I last posted! Leave reviews please. Also, I know I've written chapters that are unnecessary and all. Tell me which to take out, if you can. And tell me if everyone reacted all right, please. To be honest, this was hard to write, and definitely isn't my best. With your reviews, i can hopefully fix it.
