Flashlight
Chapter six
With shaking hands you picked up the small spoon and tapped it against your glass, the anticipated sound quickly causing a hush to fall over the room and its inhabitants, all chatter slinking until none was left. You stood, hesitantly, a little nervous to give the speech you were expected to give.
The words had been carefully prepared and memorised, though the nerves of speaking in front of a large crowd nearly made you forget them. Shaking hands pushed into the fabric of your dress in an attempt to appear calm, clenching and unclenching out of sight as you took a deep breath to steady yourself.
"Today," you cleared your throat, hoping to minimise the nerves residing in your voice, "Today we celebrate a joyous event. The union of two wonderful people that I am lucky to call my friends," the words came out rushed, flowing from your mouth quickly as nerves got the better of you. Natasha smiled encouragingly up at you from her seat and took your hand in hers, squeezing it gently. Clint winked from his place on the other side of his wife. Another deep intake and you nodded, looking back out into the room of people, friends and family. You could do this.
"I'm not always good with words, or crowds for that matter," you joked, relieved when chuckles rose around you.
Unintentionally you glanced over at Bucky and you thought of all the times your words had failed you with him. You had been unable to make him stay. He quickly diverted his eyes, looking at the napkin placed next to his plate instead. A good incentive for you to continue.
"Which is why I borrowed some words from Amanda Bradley:
To love is to have someone special
On whom you can always depend
To be there through the years,
Sharing laughter and tears
As a partner, a lover, a friend.
To love is to make special memories
Of moments you love to recall.
Of all the good things
That married life brings,
Love is the greatest of all."
You smiled as the two paragraphs of the poem fell easily from your lips. Your eyes once more trained on the couple besides you, who in turn were again gazing at one another. Completely entranced by the other as the words reached their ears.
"To the greatest love of all. To Clint and Natasha" you added, raising your glass and the other occupants of the room cheered, raising their glasses in the direction of the couple.
Sitting down quickly you sighed in relief, the part you had been dreading was over. Especially after Steve's wonderfully funny and touching speech, giving yours had been daunting. Now that it was done, you felt the tension that had built up in your neck and shoulders. Stretching slightly, you hoped to ease it. You knew it was futile. Until the night was over, tension would run amuck in your body and mind. Still, a huge part was over and it would certainly be less now.
Dancing in the arms of Steve, later on in the evening, more tension began to ease out of your body. Leaning your head on his shoulders, you let him sway you to the gentle tones of the music. One hand wrapped in his large one, an arm wrapped around your waist, you felt safe to let your mind wander.
These past weeks, so many feelings had been drawn to the surface and you could no longer deny your feelings, there was no ignoring it. As much as you tried to convince yourself and everyone around you that you were over Bucky, his mere presence had been enough to prove you wrong, driving home the realisation that you still loved him. The amounts of time that you had glanced his way, even involuntarily, had shown you the feelings hiding away in the depths of your heart.
The depths that had never let go of Bucky. You just got better at hiding it, pushing the feelings down. And who knows, if he hadn't returned, it might have worked. It might have helped you to get over him in the long run. But he did return, he was back in town. Even though you didn't know for how long.
Your feelings were messy, complicated and dramatic and you hated it. Preferring things to be more neat. Still, you hoped he would stay after the wedding. Not necessarily to be with you, you had no idea if he still had any feelings for you at this point. But this was his home, his friends were here. Friends that missed him, wanted to help him, be there for him. Yes, you really wanted him to stay. Even if your feelings would never be resolved. Even if you never got the closure you so desperately needed.
"Are you okay?" Steve's soft voice pulled you from your thoughts, his hand gently rubbing your back, "Did the door bite?" he asked jokingly and you knew what he was hinting at. He wasn't one for subtlety.
"Something certainly did," you shrugged, unsure if you should tell him of your feelings. Instead, you asked him for his, "How are you?"
"Really glad that he came home," Steve murmured and you moved your head from his shoulder, wanting to look him in the eye. Steve didn't often open up about his feelings, and you wanted him to know that he could. You would listen.
"Me too," you agreed with a smile, "Have you been able to catch up?"
"Yeah, a little,"
You wanted to ask him what they talked about, if you had been mentioned, if Bucky would stay. But that would be intruding and you didn't want to push it. Steve glanced around the room, avoiding your gaze.
"That's good" you finally said, pressing your head against his shoulder again.
"Yeah" his agreement coming out a whisper.
"You know you can talk to me right" something was clearly on his mind, even if he was trying to play it cool.
"Right back at you" he smiled, hugging you close once more, before leading you off the dance floor, "Time for a drink, don't you agree" he added with a chuckle and you smiled as you followed him to the bar.
With a much needed drink in hand, you stood side by side watching all people still on the packed dance floor. A lazy smile formed on Steve's lips as he saw Clint goof around. You chuckled and sipped your drink. No conversation was needed, his laughter was drawn by the same actions as yours.
"Hi there, cowboy, care for a dance?" Wanda called out as she walked over to the two of you, she smirked as Steve rolled his eyes at the nickname. Wanda had always been in the business of picking nicknames for people, rarely sticking to one per person. Steve however was her special little project, using a new one for him pretty much every other day.
He shook his head with a loud barking laugh slipping from his mouth, downed the drink in his hand and took the hand she held out for him. You smiled as they walked off, a quick song coming on, prompting Wanda to sway her hips to the beat. Soon they were both moving across the floor in strange exaggerated movements, laughing loudly at their own antics.
You continued to sip your own drink, humming along to the music, tapping your feet to the rhythm. Natasha and Clint were yet to leave the dance floor, having been on there since their first dance and they could not stop smiling. They had danced with their parents, friends and family, but always remained close to one another. Reaching for one another whenever they could. As if the wedding had turned them back into teenagers in love, unable to be parted for long. It was cute. Dehydration, however, was not and you made a mental note to hand them a bottle of water in a few minutes.
"You look beautiful," Buck muttered softly as he moved to stand next to you. Your heart skipped a beat and a blush formed on your cheeks, reaching down your neck. Immediately your hands began to shake as a heat coursed through your body. They were only words, but they held such power coming from him. It would never leave you untouched.
"Thanks," the blush didn't leave and you were ready to fan yourself, "you clean up nicely too."
Surely, he must have remembered how much you liked him in a suit. Bucky had the good sense to blush at your words, a small smile forming on this beautiful lips as he cast his eyes down to the floor. You took the time to take in his form, without him really noticing. He had taken off his jacket, revealing the crisp white shirt underneath. The sleeves weren't long enough to pull over his hands and he fidgeted a little, before pushing his prosthetic hand into his trouser pocket. You glanced at it for a moment before turning your attention back to his face. If only there was something you could say to make him less insecure about it. You just weren't sure if he was ready to really hear it.
Standing next to each other in silence, constantly glancing from the other to the dance floor, a few songs passed before another word was spoken. Just as you had gathered all the courage to ask him to dance, and him uttering a reluctant yes, the music changed and another slow song sounded from the speakers. Wide eyed you looked back at him, both already on the dance floor. Was this okay? Did he want to bail? Dancing in the same vicinity wasn't exactly the same as a slow dance. Touching wasn't a necessity with faster music, while a slow song made it a given.
In the past a slow dance had been one of your favourite past times with Bucky. Leaning against him, kissing his lips, feeling his arms around your waist. It had been good. But you had not danced together since he joined the army, and so much had happened since. Perhaps too much. Not for you, but for him.
You shrugged, leaving the decision to him.
Bucky stood still for a moment, inhaling sharply, before turning to face you. He grabbed your hand in his, pulling you closer. Happy that he choose to continue, you sighed as you moved closer to him still, allowing yourself a moment to drink him in, his presence, his warmth and his scent. Still as intoxicating as ever, even if he didn't seem to realise that.
He hesitated, his anthracite hand hovering. He seemed unsure where to place it and you froze for a moment, watching the struggle play out on his face. Then you took it in your own hand, placing it in between your bodies, on his chest, with your hand on his heart. You kept a firm grip on it and his breath hitched audibly. He avoided your eyes as he wrapped his other arm around your waist. His prosthetic hand holding yours in a firm grip.
Gently swaying, he lead you across the floor, his steps meticulous. All you had to do was follow. The dance as effortless as it had always felt with him and you relished in that fact.
There was a silence between you two, but after he stopped worrying about his arm, it became a pleasant one.
You wished this moment could last forever, but all too soon the final notes played and an uptempo song set in again, stalling your movements on the dance floor. Much to aware of him and your surroundings to ignore the change in tempo. There were simply too many messy emotions involved.
Neither one of you moved immediately, frozen in the moment, staring into each other's eyes. As you pulled in a deep breath, you leaned your forehead against his, your eyes closed as you tried to think of ways to prolong the moment. Nothing seemed right, and finally he began to pull back. Squeezing his hand, you exhaled slowly, keeping him close just a moment longer. His brows furrowed as you did so, but he stood still, giving you time.
"I miss you," you whispered.
The furrow in his brows increased and he seemed confused by your words. He stepped back slowly, turning his face to the side. Offering you a view of his profile instead. He closed his eyes, tensing visibly in his jaw as he grit his teeth. There was clearly a struggle going on inside his head and you regretted your words. Not because they weren't true, but you worried you had pushed him away, further than he already had been. He stood so close, but there seemed to be an insurmountable gap between your two. The walls he had pulled down during that wonderful dance, put back up again.
"I'm not the same," his shoulders slumped as he spoke those words and with a deep sigh he started walking again, leaving you to ponder his words. Tears burned behind your eyes, threatening to spill, when a warm hand closed around yours and spun you around in a fast circle.
Forcing a smile on your face, willing the tears to stay at bay, you caught the eye of your distractor. Quickly the smile became a real one as Clint held your hand in his, leading you further up the dance floor to dance with him and his wife.
No words were said, none were needed. He had seen the exchange and wanted to distract you, simultaneously showing you that he was there for you. You had known that really had some pretty amazing friends, you thought as Steve and Wanda joined the three of you.
