Flashlight


Chapter seventeen


Important notice before reading!
This chapter deals with the aftermath of chapter sixteen, which means it deals with heavy feelings. On top of that another character deals with fertility issues and since that is a very sensitive subject I decided to write that into the end of this long winded chapter. You can opt to skip it. It'll be marked by # instead of my usual ways to divide scenes.
If in doubt, feel free to message me here or on
my tumblr (link in bio) and I will answer any questions you might have.


As the door closed behind him, you crashed down onto your knees. Tears streamed down your face and you were left gasping for breath. It felt as if you were suffocating in your pain, with your heart beating so hard that it resounded in your head. Everything felt heavy and staying upright was quickly becoming too much for your body. As if all strength and energy had gone from it.

You couldn't help but continuously think about what the therapist had said. His words, harsh though truthful, hitting you like a bullet, tearing you down and crushing your soul. The worst part of it all was that you couldn't fight the things that he had told both you and Bucky. Although it had been hard to hear, the man had simply been honest.
There was an undeniable truth to all the reasons the therapist voiced, reasons that explained why you and Bucky would be wise to create some distance from one another. You both needed space, in order to successfully walk the path of individual growth.

You would never want to stand in the way of his healing process. He deserved, more than anyone, to get better. In your mind, he deserved it more than you as well and you realised that this too was a problem. Wanting to help others was perhaps a good quality, but it was impossible to maintain if you neglect yourself. You knew that and wondered why you had let it get that far.

You just hoped that the love between you and Bucky was strong enough to withstand even this huge hurdle. That, at the end of the road that you both had to take separately, you'd find your your way back to the other. After all, there was no denying that there was so much love between you two. You felt it, knew it without a doubt, the love you shared was all encompassing. Which was also exactly why it stood in your way.

At some point you must have gotten up off the floor and changed into your pyjamas, though you had no conscious memory of it. You dropped down on your bed, sleep already tugging at your exhausted mind as it kept spinning, mulling over the events of the day. By the time exhaustion finally won you over, the tears were still falling from your eyes. The anxiety you felt created nightmares to hunt your slumber, that when you woke up you were far from rested.

You weren't certain what woke you precisely, despite the sun fighting the darkness, your bedroom was still dark enough. Your pillows were wet and with your eyes still closed, you touched the fabric only to realise that it must have been your tears that leaked from your eyes during the night. You frowned and rubbed your face, noticing that they had now dried on your face, the salt having left their traces.

Finally, you opened your eyes and found what had woken you, or rather who. Blinking the remnants of sleep from your eyes, you finally looked into the stunning green orbs of your best friend. Her red hair was splayed on the pillow next to yours as she stared at you with a kind smile on her face. She sighed and grasped your hand, squeezing it gently, the small comforting gesture made fresh tears prickle your eyes once more. When she saw them threatening to spill over, she surged forward and wrapped her arms around you, as well as she could due to the awkward position. She rubbed your back and whispered encouraging promises in your ears, telling you that everything would work itself out eventually. You only wished you could believe her.

"I got the keys to the condo," Natasha said softly as she pulled back slightly.

You weren't sure how to respond to that and just nodded. It didn't register with you why that would be important information. When she told you that she'd help you pack a bag, it finally did dawn on you and you remembered all the happy memories that had been made in that place. You wondered for a moment if you should taint that with your current disposition. Natasha, of course, wouldn't hear of it. She simply mentioned that she thought a different environment would do you some good. And you always did like the mountains.

Natasha pushed herself up from the bed and held out her hand for you to take, something you only half heartedly accepted, allowing her to pull you up. As soon as you got off the bed, she wrapped her arms around your frame again, less awkward this time, whispering that she would be there to carry you through the sadness and that you should just let it all out. Choking out a sob, you held onto your friend, leaning on her for the strength you were currently lacking.

You were not sure how long you stood in that comforting embrace, but the moment was only broken by the sound of someone bumping into a chair. Without asking, you knew that it was Wanda and Maria on the other side of the door. You couldn't help but smile as you imagined Wanda silently cursing the chair she had hit and the realisation that these women had dropped everything to be here for you, warmed your heart. No matter what life threw at you, they were always there. Your safety net forever, just as you intended to be theirs.

When you exited your room, Wanda was laughing silently just as Maria slipped into the bathroom. Apparently, it had not been Wanda who had walked into your furniture as you had expected. It was, instead, an uncharacteristically clumsy moment for Maria as she tried to get herself to the toilet. When she came back, she apologised as she suddenly got nauseous and wanted to play it safe. Any concerns for her health were waved away when she explained that she had eaten something bad the night before and that she would be perfectly fine.

Less than an hour later, you found yourself in the backseat of Maria's SUV, seated next to Wanda. The cabin was at least an hour and a half from your apartment. During the drive, you learned that Maria had thought that a change in scenery would do you some good and the others had readily agreed with that. Together, they had quickly arranged this weekend away. You didn't necessarily disagree with their plans, though you wondered how much fun you would be. You still felt a massive lack of energy, but then again, the cabin couldn't be worse than wallowing at home on your own.

Upon arrival, the four of you sat down in the cozy living room of the holiday home. There, the girls asked you to tell them what the therapist had told. Not to make you relive it, but to help you make sense of it all. To help you work through it. By the end of the conversation, Wanda was ready to knock on the man's door and tell him off for hurting your feelings with Maria following suit with the promise of controlled violence. You chuckled at their antics, knowing they wished they could erase your pain. It wasn't until they were quiet once again that you noticed Natasha had not spoken yet and her solemn face told you all you needed to know about her opinion. Carefully, she muttered that there might be some truth to his words and though it hurt to hear, you could only agree.

The therapist had opened your eyes to your own behaviour and it had been long overdue. Those years without Bucky had been spent in pain, wallowing, and you had been standing still because of it. You hadn't dealt with any of your issues and instead just went through the motions. As if your life no longer mattered, as if it stopped the moment he stepped out of the door and took your self worth with him.
It was unfair to place all that on Bucky and you hadn't meant to do it. It had placed an incredible amount of responsibility on Bucky's shoulders, which had consumed him with guilt. Now, you could not longer deny your own share in the blame. He had done you wrong, yes, but you had stopped living, stopped fighting for yourself and that was not his burden to bear.

You knew you needed to change your behaviour, needed to allow yourself to feel all the pain and uncertainty that you had tried to drone out. You needed to get back to you again. To allow yourself to care for others, without forgetting yourself. If you kept neglecting yourself you'd be no good to anyone in the long haul and you might even drag Bucky down with you.

The amazing women that you called your friends just wanted to know how they could help only you could tell them. You simply didn't know where to start.
To give you some reprieve of that question, Maria suggested a walk in the crisp mountain air. She was convinced a good exercise would help you collect your thoughts. You weren't as certain, though the walk did sound nice. It would serve as a nice distraction while you mulled over everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.

During the walk, not much was said besides the occasional comment on the weather and the beautiful surroundings. The atmosphere was calm and comfortable. And as Maria had suspected the exercise helped calm you down considerably, it soothed your nerves and was almost enough to make you fully relaxed. It would have, had it not been for Natasha and the tensing of her shoulders. She didn't say anything and even smiled and laughed with the rest of you, but there was something about her demeanour that told you that something was up. Of course, she denied it when you asked her about it and though you wished to know, you decided not to push the subject in that moment. Knowing full well that you'd find out eventually. She had never kept anything from you, she just usually wanted to work it out for herself first.

"I have a plan!" Wanda suddenly exclaimed as you were on the way back to the cabin.

Maria, who had been walking next to her in silence, jumped at the sudden sound and you and Natasha could not help but laugh loudly. Maria was not easy to scare, she rarely ever jumped and you were all glad to have been a witness. Maria jokingly glared as Wanda smiled sweetly. Wanda linked her arm through one of the brunette's and pulled her close enough to peck her cheek.

"So, what about that plan of yours?" Natasha asked once all the giggles had stopped.

"I was thinking a light dinner, followed by lots of wine and snacks?" Wanda said with a bright smile while walking backwards so she could see both you and Natasha, "We can talk smack about anyone and everyone that has ever even attempted to slight us."

She winked at you as she finished and you shook your head with a smile, understanding full well that she wanted to give you the opportunity to badmouth Bucky. Which was incredibly sweet of her, even if you had no intention of doing so. Not only did you see no need to speak ill of your handsome ex-boyfriend, you were also not about to make them listen to you badmouthing their friend. It was something you had done when he left all those years ago, and for good reason, but he had no fault in the current situation. Or at least not all blame could be put on him.

Bucky was not unproblematic, by any means, but he was a good guy. And you loved him. Even if you were not together now, or anytime soon, that part didn't change. You would probably always love him.

"And may I also suggest that you go and take a nap, while we get the supplies for our night of drinking?" Wanda offered as she watched a yawn escape your lips. You chuckled and tried to suppress another one. You had tried to hide your exhaustion the entire walk, but the uneasy night was quickly catching up with you.

"Sounds like a solid plan," you agreed as you opened the door to the cabin and went straight to the bedroom that you and Natasha had claimed that morning. There, you dropped back onto the bed with a deep sigh. Natasha came in after you and smiled as she bent over her suitcase to grab her wallet and a shopping bag.

"Have a nice nap, I might just join you in a bit," she confessed as she rubbed a hand over her face.

"As long as I get to be the big spoon," you winked and she barked out a laugh as she walked towards the bed.

Over the years, the two of you had often shared a bed and Natasha always ended up spooning you. Perhaps because she was so used to cuddling up to Clint, they had been together awfully long after all. It had become a bit of a running joke where you'd tell Clint that the cuddling was so good that you might steal her from him and Natasha would then inform you that you'd stand a good chance of winning that fight. Of course this would prompt Clint in showing some cliche display of affection for his lover, after which she would come back on that claim.

Natasha was still smiling as she leaned over you and placed a kiss on your forehead before walking out of the bedroom and closing the door behind her. Just before the door closed, Maria rushed by, saying she needed a minute, before locking herself in the large bathroom across the hall from your room. You frowned, not truly registering as sleep slowly pulled you under, you barely heard her calling out that she was fine.


The first bottle of wine was opened during dinner, with Natasha, Wanda and yourself having a glass each. Maria denied the alcohol, citing the stomach bug that seemingly held her in its grasp. They finished the bottle in your glass as you went to do the dishes.
By the time you were all in the living room, the second bottle was opened and a good portion was poured quickly. By now, you were all dress in your pyjamas and sweats and an assortment of snacks were placed on the small coffee table.

By the time the second bottle was emptied, you were getting significantly louder, which was not how you usually responded to alcohol, but you were laughing and joking so nobody complained. Wanda, with her smaller frame, was giggling more than usual - even at your horribly bad jokes - suddenly finding everything funnier than it really was. At the same time Natasha was barely showing any signs of alcohol consumption. Perhaps she was more quiet than you were used to, but that was it. Maria just watched you all with a smirk, probably relishing in the idea of skipping the hangover in the morning.

The evening began on a happy note, with you all reminiscing over things you'd experienced together. With so many years of friendship between the four of you, there were plenty of memories to choose from. Much like the day that you had worked through the storage space, your dating lives had come up. Another laugh was shared over Maria and Steve's past, Maria perhaps laughing the loudest. She loved Steve a lot, though very much like a brother and not a lover.

Without the need to tease the men over their love lives, suddenly you all remembered the poor boys that tried to win over redhead had always been very picky, not giving many the time of day. That attitude had only made her more popular in high school.
Wanda's love life was not necessarily a laughing matter. She had been with the same boy for most of their high school years and even though it did not last, he had been a pretty good bloke. Her dates in college were far more enjoyable to discuss in this buzzed state that you were in. Ever since college, there had been little activity however. Wanda was quick to say that she was fine on her own, that it was rather comfortable.

You were quick to exclaim that she was too young to throw in the towel. That a pretty young woman like her would find someone and Wanda only laughed. She knew that this was not the end, though for now it was where she wanted to be. You all accepted her answer after Maria gave her a stern talk that she only ever needed to nod in her direction if she wanted help. Apparently, she had plenty of cousins and colleagues. Both you and Natasha vehemently agreed with the stern brunette and Wanda laughed again, ensuring you all that for now she was just fine on her own. If that changed, she'd happily ask your for assistance.

As things had now turned more serious though, attention quickly turned to you and your feelings. It didn't take long for the tears to start falling and you wondered out loud if there would be another love for you, like the one you'd shared with Bucky. You understood how lucky you had been to have it once and genuinely thought that perhaps it was a once in a lifetime thing. You could only hope that you'd be able to accept a lesser love, because you were far too young to go on without it.

Natasha had quickly hugged you close, promising that there was more in life than Bucky, though she understood that you'd need time to work through this pain. She even urged you to take that time seriously. After which Maria added that perhaps this was not the end for you and Bucky after all. Just a pause, so you could both focus on your own healing. Who knew what would happen if you were both ready to move on from the hurt and heartbreak. She was right, of course, there was so much love between you and Bucky. This didn't have to be the end, even if it needed to end right now.

It was then and there that you made a promise to your friends. No matter what would happen in the long run, you intended to be his friend now. You'd known each other too long to avoid or ignore. Besides, your group was finally complete again, you didn't want to break it up again. Your group had been through hell and back together and you'd make it through this as a group as well.

"One condition," Wanda voiced carefully, "If you ever feel like it's too hard, be honest with us. We will work it out with you."

After you agreed, Maria yawned and you knew the evening was coming to an end. The day had been long and emotionally draining, not just for you. It was time to go to bed. Getting up, you collected the glasses and bowls that had been used and quickly set about cleaning them.

"We can leave them for the morning," Maria said, as she tried and failed to repress another yawn.

"It's fine, sweetheart, you all go to bed!" You promised and kissed her cheek, before returning to your task.

They needed a bit more encouragement from you before they finally listened and went to bed. You moved around the quiet kitchen, no rush to your movements as you cleaned and dried everything, before putting things back where they belonged. You never liked to leave dirty dishes for the next morning, unless it was a single glass or something like that. The few times that you had ignored the dishes, you regretted it in the morning. Especially after a few glasses of wine. You were never a morning person, but with a hangover you were definitely not.

By the time you had brushed your teeth and walked into the bedroom that you and Natasha shared, there was a single light on. It stood on your nightstand and cast a warm yellow light in the room. Natasha must had turned it on before she went to sleep herself. You smiled, she was always thinking of little things like that, making things easier for others. Again you realised just how quiet she had been today and you wondered what was on her mind.

Carefully you slid under the covers, your eye on her frame as you tried not to jostle her too much. That was when you noticed that she was not asleep. She lay completely still, though she couldn't fool you. Her breathing was far too irregular. Her shoulders were pulled up and all the muscles in her back seemed tensed. With a deep sigh you moved closer, that stubborn woman needed to open up a little easier. Allow you to ease the weight on her shoulders better. However, you didn't say any of that. She really didn't need to hear what she already knew. Instead you spotted up behind her and hugged her close, holding tight to let her know you were there for her.

"I'm fine," she squeaked, her voice thick with unshed tears and you snorted, muttering a 'yeah right', before gently brushing her hair from her face.

"Talk to me," you whispered, not letting go just yet.

"It's just…nothing, really."

"Nat, I know you want this weekend to be about me, but that does not mean you have to push your feelings down," you continued, soothingly rubbing her arm. She needed to know that you were there for her. Being heartbroken didn't change that, nothing ever would.

"Look if you're not ready, that's ok, but if it's to spare others, please stop," if she really didn't want to tell you, you didn't want to push her too much. As long as she knew that you would always be there, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.


###


You half expected her to brush aside your concern when suddenly she began to sob. Natasha rarely cried and the sound of her tears broke your heart. She turned around in your arms as the sobs wracked her body and she clung on to you. You had known her most of your life and this was the first time you had seen her in this much pain. You couldn't possibly imagine what it was that ailed her, though you didn't ask. She was in no position to tell you now, you had to wait for the tears to pass.

When they did, she told you about the gut wrenching fear that somehow her body was failing her. That she was failing Clint. You knew he would never think like that, he simply adored her. You didn't think there was anything she could do or say to change that, but apparently she thought differently. She explained that for the past year or so they had been trying to get pregnant and still nothing had happened. This wasn't something you knew much about and you were unsure what to say or do to comfort her. All you could do was hold her tight and let her cry it out.

"It doesn't have to mean anything. Sometimes, it just takes a while," you finally said, your voice steady as you repressed the emotions that flooded upon her confession. This was not the time to let those feelings out. This was about Natasha and only her.

"Have you seen a doctor about it?" You asked when she was calming down again, hoping it would not bring about a fresh wave of tears. You simply wished to know, so you could assist if she needed you. There was nothing you wouldn't do to help your sweet caring friend through this ordeal.

"I have an appointment next week," She explained, her breathing returning to normal. Though her voice was still thick and raspy with emotion.

"Are you going alone?"

"No, Clint took the day off" a small smile made its way to her lips. He really was a good guy, though you had known that already of course. That man had been an amazing friend to you. To everyone in his life actually.

"Good, if there is anything I can do for you, I'll drop everything. No questions asked. Okay?!" As you spoke those words, you placed a hand on her cheek, making her look you in the eye. You hoped it would show her just how serious you were. She had been your rock for so long, it was about time you could return that favour. Preferably a million times over.

"Thanks, Y/n." She smiled as she leaned into your sideways hug.

"What are friends for," you whispered and held her close, rubbing her back, soothing her until she finally fell asleep.