Disclaimer: Still don't have any rights to SVU. Wish I did though. This plot is mine and that's about it.
A/N: Whew! Last chapter was a behemoth, right? It just wrote itself. Once again, thanks for the reviews and private messages. I appreciate them more than you can know. I'd probably write this story anyway for my own sanity to get it out of my head at night, but reviews motivate me to actually go the extra mile on descriptions. I could write 'the taxi was t-boned on both sides, the driver was dead and Olivia was seriously injured' and I could picture the scene clearly because it's in my head and I'd be happy with that. But I want you guys to see it as clearly as I do; to feel like you're actually watching an episode instead of reading a story. And your reviews push me to make the story immersive, especially on those days when I need to get the next bit of the story out of my head, but my body and mind are so tired that I just want to write something simple. So, again, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Now, let's go visit Liv, shall we?
SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU-SVU
Chapter 7: Olivia, Interrupted
Mercy General Hospital
Intensive Care Unit
It was decided amongst the four men present that Captain Cragen would visit first, followed by Fin and Munch, and finally Elliot. Elliot felt like he needed more time to gather his thoughts on what exactly he wanted to say to Liv. Even though she was unconscious and he would probably have to say it all again, he needed to tell her what happened, why, and how he felt about her. They say that coma patients can sometimes hear what's going on around them, and Elliot wanted to tell Olivia everything, just in case he would never be able to speak with her again.
Captain Cragen cautiously entered Olivia's room. The doctor had told them what they would see and warned them to brace themselves, but nothing could truly prepare a person for actually seeing it.
Olivia's figure could barely be discerned amongst all the equipment keeping her alive, and the bandages and wrappings obscuring her many injuries. There was the tube in her throat connected to the ventilator which whirred with every breath it gave her. There was the central line peeking out at the top of her chest, connected to no fewer than four IV pumps providing her with medication, fluids, and nutrition. She had all manner of wires monitoring her brain waves, her heart rate, her blood pressure, her intracranial pressure, her oxygen saturation, and a couple more things that he couldn't figure out but he figured were an essential part of the mission to keep Olivia alive and bring them back to her.
There were bulky bandages around an arm and a leg, probably temporarily bracing the fractures that the doctor said would be addressed in a future surgery. There was the thick bandage covering the top of her head where the surgeon said part of her skull had been removed. There were the bandages wrapped around the sides of her head and her chin, to keep her jaw in place until it could be wired shut. There was the cervical neck collar keeping her cervical spine aligned.
Cragen's attention was then drawn to perhaps the scariest thing of all—the pressure bandage covering the massive open incision to protect her organs until she was stable enough for the surgeons to go back in and fix more of her injuries and close her up.
Each of these things alone would've been intimidating, even to a hardened career officer, but combined they were practically overwhelming. He felt tears springing to his eyes as he looked upon his favorite detective, wondering if she would survive, let alone recover completely.
He sat down in the chair next to her bed, awkwardly placed amongst the machines supporting Liv's life. He grasped what appeared to be the sole part of her that wasn't injured, her right hand.
"Liv," he said thickly, choking his tears back, "it's Don. I always hoped that I'd never visit any of my squad in this condition, let alone from a car crash. I would've expected a line of duty injury. Not this. Never this.
"The doctors are doing all that they can to save your life. Now, you have to do your part. You need to fight with all the fierce determination and tenacity that I've seen from you over the years. You are one of the strongest people I've ever met to be able to deal with the things you've seen, the things you've heard, and the things you've endured. Please, Olivia, use that strength inside of you.
"You might not realize this, but you are truly the heart of this unit. Your compassion for the victims, your dedication to catching the perp, your ability to adapt to changes, and your friendship with your colleagues—all of these things you bring to the unit, and you make us all better because of it.
"I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Out of all the detectives that I've worked alongside and that I've supervised, you are my favorite. You know that my wife and I were never able to have children, but I had had a daughter, I would've wanted her to be just like you.
"Liv," he choked out, "To me, you are the daughter I never had, and you can't leave us; leave me. No parent should have to bury your child, and I don't think I could bear it if we had to bury you. I love you. Come back to us, Olivia, please."
—
Olivia was wandering in a thick fog. She had no idea how she had gotten there or if she was alone. It was eerie and kind of comforting at the same time. Everything is so busy in her city and in her life. It was nice to be able to shroud herself in this mist, reveling in the silence. On the other hand, this murky forest she was aimlessly traipsing around in seemed to have no end and no beginning. It just was. Like an infinite plain of opaque grey surroundings. She felt lost. Why was she in this oblivion? How could she get out?
Vaguely, the deafening silence was broken by the slightest sounds. Somewhere there was a rhythmic beep. Olivia ran through the forest, stumbling over fallen trees, wondering why her heart and lungs were burning so much, trying to locate the source of the beeping. She felt that if she found that, she could find her way out.
Then, she heard the fluttering whisper of words. They didn't make sense to her, and they seemed to come in uneven intervals. She strained to hear them, to make sense of what she was hearing. Perhaps someone else was in the forest and she could find her way to them.
—Doctors...save...fight...Olivia...— Was the other person working a case with her? Had she been separated from him, for it was clearly a male's voice, one she felt she recognized? Olivia wracked her brain trying to unite the voice with a face, a name. She caught some more words. heart...(does that have something to do with the pain in her chest when she was running?) —friendship...detectives...supervised...— A flash of recognition blazed across her mind. It was Captain Cragen. Why on earth was the Captain out in the field? Did it have to do with the fog? Was that making it essential to have someone on scene to command a search?
Olivia's head began to throb and bursts of intense pain brought her to her knees. The best she could relate the pain to was if an ice pick was stabbed into her brain. She wanted to vomit, felt like she was going to, but when she opened her mouth and bent over to expel whatever she had in her stomach, she became aware that something was off with her stomach. It was like her stomach had forgotten how to throw up and instead was trying to tear itself apart to relieve the nausea. The pain was so intense. She wanted to scream, to get Cragen's attention, but she couldn't get her voice to work. If she had thought the forest was eerie and a bit intimidating before, she was now very frightened that nobody would find her through the dense fog and that she would die alone.
As she felt darkness begin to overwhelm her, she head a few more words. They, too, didn't make much sense, but for some reason they provided comfort at a time when she needed it. —favorite...daughter...love you...Olivia...— Then, everything went black and silence again fell around her.
His allotted ten minutes up, Captain Cragen left Liv's room and retreated to the ICU waiting room, where Fin, Elliot, and Munch had decamped once he had gone in to her room.
As he walked into the room, he saw the others look up, hoping for some good news, only to be faced with his haggard appearance. His eyes were rid-rimmed, his shoulders were slumped, and his clothing was rumpled, but no more so than those of the men sharing his vigil.
At their questioning looks, he slightly shook his head as he said, "there was no change in her condition while I was in there.
"It was every bit of difficult as the doctor said it would be to see everything. It was actually beyond what I had imagined. I'd once again reiterate to brace yourselves, but I honestly don't think there's any way that you could truly prepare yourself for what you will see.
"But don't let that put you off from going in there. I know we don't know if she can hear what we say to her, but even if she can't, talking to her has given me a bit of comfort, as I'm sure it will to you."
The others nodded at the wisdom of the Captain's words. They reaffirmed their commitment to visiting her, no matter how difficult it would be to see her like that. Fin and Munch looked over at Elliot to see if he was ready to go next, but he just shook his head slightly as he looked down and put a hand up, signaling that he wasn't quite there yet.
"Well, Munch, it's you or me up next. Whatcha think?," Fin asked his long-time partner.
"If you don't mind, I think you should go next," said John as he nodded his head over towards Elliot as he kept eye contact with Fin. He understood that to mean that Munch was volunteering to take the first 'shift' of Elliotwatch with Captain Cragen. They didn't know what Elliot might do if left alone.
Fin nodded his agreement to Munch's unspoken communication, and met the understanding eyes of the Captain standing behind Elliot's seat. He quietly slipped from the waiting area and disappeared into the Intensive Care Unit.
After stopping at the Nurse's station to get Liv's room number, while inwardly cursing himself for not getting it from Cragen, he ventured down the hall towards her room. Upon finding the correct room, he took a moment to center himself before he went inside. Like the other rooms in this unit, the doors were sliding glass, allowing complete visual of the room from the hall, which he knew allowed easier monitoring of the patients for the nurses and doctors. But, it also allowed him to see what he would be walking in to before he actually went in. If Liv could truly hear them, he didn't want her to hear his initial reaction.
After ascertaining that he was ready to go in, he took a deep breath and slid open the door just enough to admit him into the room, and let it slowly slide closed behind him. Fin walked over to that same chair that the Captain had occupied just a few minutes earlier, and just as the Captain had done, he sat down and reached for Olivia's hand.
"Hey, Baby Girl. It's Fin. You're quite a sight to see right now, you know? You have all sorts of machines, and tubes, and wires hooked up to you. But that's okay, you know? Because it means you're still here with us.
"We've had each others' back for awhile now, you and me. You saved my life in that bodega and I'm not even sure if I ever thanked you for it. I think you felt guilty, but Liv, I am glad that it was me that got shot in that store. If it had been you...well, I probably would've left SVU.
"You see, you're the glue that keeps us all together. You are the interchangeable piece that works well with everybody. Your drive to help the victims helps all of us to remember exactly why we do what we do. You keep us focused on the victims and not the horrors of dealing with the sick perps who committed those atrocities.
"I shouldn't have left you alone at Sealview. I shoulda done more to protect you. I don't know if you'll ever know how much I regret not getting down to that basement sooner. And once I saw what was happening, and figured out what had been happening before I got there, I shoulda done more to support you. You support everyone else; how could none of us see how much you needed our support then? I'm sorry, Liv, so sorry about that.
"I don't think anybody woulda blamed you if you had left SVU at that point. Going from the victim's champion to being a sexual assault victim yourself had to have been tough to deal with. But you managed to overcome that hurdle, and came out stronger for it. I admire that about you.
"So now, Liv, you gotta redirect that inner strength, and fight your way back to us. SVU needs you to hold us together. The victims need you to be their strongest advocate. The city needs you to catch the perps, protecting the people and getting justice for the victims. And I need you, Baby Girl. You may be Badass Benson, fully capable of taking care of yourself, but that doesn't change how I feel; you are like a sister to me. You are family. Love you, Liv."
Fin pressed a kiss against her knuckles and gently set her hand back down on the bed. He slipped from the room as quickly and silently as he entered, but this time he let the tears he held back before fall unchecked down his face.
Olivia clawed her way out of the hole she must've tripped over as she wandered. Once out of the dark, dark hole, she once again found herself in the boundless forest with the dense grey fog. She shivered a bit. The air was a bit chillier than it had been when she fell. She took stock of her body, vaguely remembering the pain she had felt before she fell. Was that why she fell? Or did she feel the pain because she fell? She couldn't think, couldn't remember, her mind was as hazy as the mists around her. She was so confused as to what was going on.
After assessing how she felt, she was relieved that most of the pain, while not gone, was dulled. She could push through this pain. She needed to if she was ever going to make it out of this damn forest.
Once again, she became aware of faint echoes of sound. But these were not the sounds of the woods that she expected. These were... She struggled to find the word to describe what she was hearing. Her brain would just not cooperate. Why was this so hard? She felt so heavy and tired. She just wanted to curl up and sleep. That's what she needed. She needed to stop trying to find her way through the forest and just sleep. Just the very thought of succumbing to the warm embrace of the sandman was enough to stop trudging through the woods. As she looked around for the best place to sleep, she thought she could once again hear faint echoes, but this time it was a voice.
It wasn't the same voice as she had heard before she fell; it wasn't the Captain. But she knew this voice, too. Her tired mind sluggishly brought up an image of the owner of that voice. Fin. She knew it had to be Fin. But why was he out there? Was he with Cragen? Were they all out there on this mission, whatever it was? She grew increasingly frustrated as her attempts to make out entire sentences was just as futile as it had been when she heard Cragen.
—Baby girl...still here...saved...—They must be in these woods searching for a little girl. Olivia was confused though. Was the child still here or had she been saved? She continued to try and hear the words, though she had to admit they were getting fainter as grew increasingly tired.
—guilty...shot...SVU...glue...victims...alone...Sealview...— Liv's drooping eyes snapped open at that. What did Sealview have to do with this, whatever this is? She felt tremors through her body as images of the basement flitted through her mind.
—support...sorry...Liv...stronger...fight...advocate...protect...Badass Benson...— Once again, she struggled to make sense of the words. Some of them clearly referenced her. She smiled faintly to herself at the Badass Benson moniker. But what about the others? And why is Fin saying all this during a case? Her vision began to dim again, as the pain in her head rapidly amped up from its previous dull ache.
What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she find her way through this damn fog?
Faintly, as if whispering carried on a light breeze, she heard the only words that made any sense. Liv gasped as she tried to fight through the pain to hold on to those words.
—You are like a sister to me...You are family...Love you...Liv...—
Family. She had never had a family, not really. It warmed her heart even as the chill in the air increased. They were the last words she heard before the pain throughout her body overwhelmed her already fatigued mind, and then a faint rapid beeping sound as she fell back into utter darkness, insensate to everything around her.
As Fin was leaving the ward to return to the waiting room, he heard an alarm at the nurse's station, followed by commotion as people went running into the room he had just left. Liv's room. His eyes widened and he felt adrenaline course through him as his heart began racing and his stomach felt like it dropped all the way to the ground. As unobtrusively as possible, he walked back towards her room, making sure to stay out of the way of the medical personnel scrambling to address whatever had happened to raise an alarm.
"Someone page Dr. Lewis Jones and Dr. Stevens, stat!"
"Call the code!" Fin heard the words Code Blue over the hospital's address system, and a light over Liv's door began flashing blue.
"I can't find a pulse. Rhythm is in V-tach. Push 150mg Amiodarone and prepare for synchronized cardioversion."
"Okay, Amiodarone is in. Electrodes placed in proper positions."
"Let's set the defibrillator to SYNC. Okay, it's picking up the R wave, so we are ready to go."
"Clear!"
"How's the rhythm?"
"Still tachy. No pulse."
"Okay, press SYNC again. Ready, clear!"
"We've got a pulse!"
"Looks like we have sinus rhythm!"
"Alright, other vitals look stable. Blood pressure is holding steady."
"Drs., Miss Benson went into pulseless ventricular tachycardia. We pushed 150 of Amiodarone and performed two rounds of synchronized cardioversion. After the second round, we were able to get a pulse and restore a stable sinus rhythm. Blood pressure and all other vitals remained steady throughout."
Fin then heard a voice he recognized, that of Dr. Jones, the surgeon who had briefed them earlier, "Alright, looks like this crisis has been averted. We'll need to continue to closely monitor her. This is not out of the norm for someone with this much trauma. I don't think it's anything that we need to risk taking her back into the OR to address. Do you agree, Dr. Stevens?"
"Yes, sir. I agree. Her body is still in shock, especially given the damage control protocol. There will probably be a couple more of these episodes, at least, until we can get back in there and address her other injuries. It's vital that we have the drugs and equipment at the ready to address any future occurrences. But, I am fairly certain that this doesn't have anything to do with the graft or anything else we went in on earlier."
"Alright, I'll go give an update to her friends. Good job, everybody."
Fin saw the curtain that had been drawn across the glass doors and windows rustling, and then the doctor emerged. He saw Fin across the hallway, and motioned for him to join him as they walked out to the waiting room.
"Are you alright?," he asked kindly. "It can be very difficult to witness that sort of situation with a loved one."
"Yeah, I'll okay. But will she?," Fin asked.
"I'm afraid I can't give you any more answers than I did earlier. It's going to be a hard road for all of us: you, us as her medical team, and especially her. We will just have to keep on top of anything that happens. The sooner we address any problems, the better the outcome will be for her."
By then, the two men had reached the waiting room. Elliot, Munch, and the Captain all jumped to their feet when they saw the doctor emerging with Fin. They had heard the Code Blue call go out thirty minutes earlier, and when Fin hadn't come back after his ten minutes were up, they concluded that the call was for Olivia.
They anxiously searched the faces of the two men, one whom they knew well, and the other who held Olivia's life in his hands, seeking out any sign that might indicated what had happened. They had been afraid the worst had happened, but upon seeing Fin's face, they relaxed minutely. If the worst had happened, Fin's face would've broadcast more emotion than the same signs of distress that he had worn before he went to visit her.
"Okay, gentlemen. We've had a bit of a hiccup with Miss Benson; her heart accelerated into an irregular rhythm, and we briefly lost her pulse, but we were quickly able to stabilize her. Her vital signs are holding steady. She has a good heart rhythm now and we are going to continue to let her body rest before we go back in to the operating room. My cardio surgeon and I agree that this episode was nothing beyond the norm when a person is so severely injured. She may even have a couple more before she's stable enough for further surgery. We are prepared to address those episodes if/when they arise."
They let out a sigh of relief, and as one sat back down in their chairs. Elliot balled up his fist and brought it to his lips as he tried to fight back the tears that seemed to draw up from a bottomless well.
Dr. Jones smiled reassuringly at them. "Give us a few minutes to run her vitals again, and draw some more labs, and then you can resume visiting her."
"Are you sure?," asked Munch, "we won't be in the way or jeopardizing her recovery by overtaxing her?"
"No. If there is another episode, you'll hear the alarms, and in that case, we ask that you immediately exit the room and proceed back to the waiting room until we can come update you," he said as he gave Fin a sidelong look for remaining in the hallway, while Fin stared right on back, unashamed of his earlier actions. He knew he had been out of the way the whole time, and he just needed to be there to hear the doctors and nurses, rather than out in the waiting room, with the worst case scenario constantly running through his mind.
"Being there, talking to her, is the exact opposite of overtaxing her. Patients in her condition fare much better when family and friends are there, supporting them, talking to them, even when there is absolutely no indication that the patients are aware of their surroundings. You should talk to her, tell her not to give up, tell her you're there for her and that she has lots of people pulling for her. Patient recovery is partly due to medical care but just as important is the patient's will to fight and their internal strength to endure the battle. So far, she's shown us that she is quite a fighter; you need to remind her that there is something to keep fighting for."
"Thank you doctor," Munch said quietly. He looked over at his comrades in this vigil, and said, "well, I guess it's my turn at the wheel. Any advice, Captain? Fin?"
"Naw, man, just go in there and talk to her. I pretended that I was just talking to her like normal, only telling her the things that I had never told her and probably should've. She doesn't look like our Liv, though. Even without all the stuff around her, it's like looking at her through one of those funhouse mirrors, where everything is distorted. That equipment, though, is intimidating. You just gotta block it out. I stood outside the door to her room, observing through the glass, before I went in there. It really helped me to steady myself to go in there and talk to her like we were shooting the breeze in the squad room," advised Fin.
John nodded in understanding and turned to walk the path that Cragen and Fin had trod before. Once in front of Olivia's room, Munch took Fin's advice to take everything in before going in the room. It took a lot to fluster the veteran detective, but he felt like if had gone in there without preparation, he would have been completely flummoxed.
Having taken in everything that there was to see, he took a deep breath and entered the room.
Like his predecessors, he spied the chair meant for visitors. Unlike when Cragen and Fin had been in the room, it had been shuffled away from the bed, as the code team had worked to reset Olivia's heart rhythm. But Munch knew nothing of how the chair had been placed, so he assumed it was exactly the same placement for the other two. Therefore, he took his seat, a few feet farther away from Liv than they had sat.
The distance didn't bother Munch. He had always been much less demonstrative than his colleagues. His fellow SVU detectives could probably count on one hand the number of times that he had lost some semblance of control, and when he had, it was always very restrained compared to, say, Elliot's explosiveness.
Once he sat down, he placed the ankle of one leg over the knee of the other leg, and folded his hands at his waist.
"You know, Liv, I had my doubts about you when you first came to SVU. I wasn't sure your personality was suited to handling the things we handle. If you had asked me when you transferred in who I thought would be gone from the unit in a year's time, I would've said you, without hesitation.
"But you proved me wrong. You outlasted Cassidy. You outlasted Jeffries. You put up with Stabler's nonsense for over a decade. I never would've thought that possible. How is it that I've had three partners in the same time period that you had just the one? An argument could be made that you're much easier to work with than I am, I suppose, but I don't think that's what it is. There's something about you, Liv, that centers all those around you. I can't quite put my finger on what it is.
"I remember back to that first year, when I didn't know your history, and I said something about why would anyone keep the child of a rape, and you played it off to assuage the awkwardness in the room while I took my foot out of my mouth. Considering I know now how much your origins matter to you, I am amazed at the grace you displayed in brushing it off.
"I'd like to thank you and Stabler for being a constant source of amusement for me over the years. Between your nearly constant bickering and the unresolved sexual tension that was obvious to everyone but the two of you, I was always entertained.
"Liv, I think you're an amazing detective, a loyal colleague, and an even better friend. The world would be a darker place without you walking amongst us, seeking justice for those that are the most vulnerable. Our lives would be darker without your friendship. You are a guiding light, a beacon, preventing people from smashing into the rocks. If that light is extinguished, what then will guide those who are lost into a safe harbor?
"So, you have to fight. Fight with everything you have in you, and then fight some more. Draw strength from us, the people who love you, and would do anything for you. I'm going to give you an incentive, in case living wasn't enough. If, no, when you recover, I promise to never discuss one of my so-called 'conspiracy theories' around you. You'll probably be the honey that draws the bees and keeps them buzzing around you, just so they can avoid hearing me spout off.
"Take care of yourself, Liv. I will see you soon."
With that, Munch unfolded his lanky form out of the chair, and with one last lingering look at Olivia, he left the room.
Ugh, Olivia thought to herself, as she once again clambered out of yet another hole. What is wrong with this stupid forest? Why are there so many damn holes in the ground? And why do I keep falling into them? What is the matter with me?
Once out of the hole, she noticed that she felt weaker than she had before she fell. Not that she had been feeling all that strong before. She wondered, not for the first time, how long she had been wandering through this accursed wood with its oppressive fog. Unable to see the position of the sun through the murky fog, she had little idea what time it was, much less what day it was.
Once again she thought she could make out the soft, steady beep that she had heard a few times before. She cocked her head and thought that it sounded better and less alarming than it had before she fell down that last hole. It was kind of comforting to hear that beep. She wasn't sure where it was coming from, or if it was a complete figment of her imagination, but she felt like perhaps seeking out the source of the beeping might help her figure out the mystery of this forest and how to get out of it.
Her mind made up, Olivia staggered to her feet, something that took more energy than she ever remembered it taking. Her vision blurred for a few seconds as she gathered her bearings. There was a pulsing whooshing sound in her head so she tried bending over and hanging her head to see if that would help, but if anything, it made it worse. She made a mental note to herself not to bow her head. She took a deep breath, recognizing by now the intense burning sensation brought on by such an action, and slowly straightened herself back up. But she just couldn't bring herself to stand up straight with the proud confidence she had always displayed before. She was just so, so, so tired.
She looked ahead, looking for any thinning of the hazy veil cloaking the woods around her. She found none. Just a never ending view of the black shadows of the trees and the dense fog that became more and more frightening the longer she was hidden in it. She despaired of ever finding her way out, and had little more hope that anyone would find her. She had heard the Captain, and she had heard Fin, but their voices were gone now; they had moved away and for all she knew had abandoned the search. She had decided that *she* was the mission that everyone was in the woods for because of those few snippets of words that she had caught. It was those words that gave her hope that they wouldn't give up on finding her, so she couldn't give up on getting herself out.
—favorite...daughter...love you...Olivia...—
—You are like a sister to me...You are family...Love you...Liv...—
She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to figure out why she didn't have a jacket. She always had a jacket. She certainly would've never gone trekking in a creepy forest hidden by some unnatural fog without a jacket. She shivered as she felt a breeze stir around her. But then she stilled, her tremors ceasing as she paid no more attention to the cold, focusing instead on what else the breeze had brought besides the cold.
Another voice. Another pang of familiarity. Another flame of hope flaring in her chest.
Munch. It was Munch. She was as sure of it as she was that she was mired in this foggy forest.
Annoyingly, his voice also came across in staccato bursts. She wondered why a full sentence couldn't drift through the mists. It would make things so much clearer for her, she was sure. Another wave of fatigue threatened to overwhelm her. She surveyed her immediate surroundings, trying to ascertain if the land was free of any more of those deep holes she kept falling into. Satisfied that the ground around her appeared solid, she wearily sank down against a tree, and pulled her legs up so she could rest her head on her knees, while her ears sought out those whispers.
—Liv...I...doubts...you...gone...wrong...Stabler...— The fog in her brain that was beginning to mirror the landscape around her thinned a bit at that last word, a word, no—a name—that she hadn't heard in over a year. Before she could work out what exactly what that meant to her, the foggy curtain had once again dropped over her mind's eye.
—partners...argument...Liv...centers...you...origins...amazed...grace...thank...Stabler...— There it was again! She struggled to remember the significance of that name. And it had to be significant she reasoned, if her tired, confused brain kept grasping at it, and flagging when it slipped back into the murkiness.
—amusement... bickering... sexual tension... obvious... entertained...—
Olivia could feel herself blushing as she hugged her knees to her chest. She wasn't entirely sure but she had a feeling that Munch was talking about her and Stabler. As she thought the name, a face formed in her mind, reminding her who exactly Stabler was. It was Elliot. Everything about him and their time together flooded back, threatening to short-circuit her already frayed synapses. How could she have forgotten? Not a day had gone by in the past 18 months that she hadn't thought about him, wondered how he was doing, and seeking to understand why he had left her. She once again felt that familiar pang of betrayal, heartache, loneliness, and despair that had emotionally wrecked her when he left. But just as quickly as it came, it was gone. Her body, her mind, and her spirit were just too tired to dwell on him any longer. Her quickly fading focus shifted again to Munch's whispers.
—darker...without you...justice...vulnerable...guiding light...extinguished...lost...safe harbor—
Olivia pictured a lighthouse, beckoning to her. She struggled to interpret whether it was real or a delusion, and then decided it didn't matter. She was never going to reach it, neither in body nor in soul. She was tired and the pain in her body started to mirror that of the pain in her head. She wasn't sure how much longer she could hold out for a rescue, and she felt like she had no more energy stores to draw upon so she could rescue herself...or at least meet her rescuers halfway.
As she faded, she suddenly heard John's words clearer than ever before, actually capturing full phrases, if not sentences. Did that mean they were closer to finding her? A weak, flickering flame of hope flared up inside of her. She slowly lifted her heavy head and turned tired eyes on her surroundings.
—...fight. Fight with everything you have..., and then fight some more. Draw strength from us, the people who love you... an incentive... I promise to never discuss...conspiracy theories... —
Olivia wanted to slam her head against her knees but she barely had enough energy to lay it down softly. She wanted to cry but crying seemed like a Herculean task. Munch's voice had once again faded to whispers flitting by carried on a breeze.
Her vision started to blacken on the outer edges and she could barely make out these last words.
—...take care...Liv...see you soon...—
Olivia finally allowed herself to fall into the beckoning darkness, but did so with a smile on her face. They were going to find her and she would fight to do her part and meet them halfway. For now, she just needed to rest.
John returned to the waiting room, pleased to be able to report that Olivia was in the same condition when he left as when he went in, unlike when Fin visited her.
"You're right," he said to the two had gone before him, "it was horrible to see, but it really helped to talk with her, to tell her all the things that nobody says until it's too late."
With a deep breath, Elliot wiped his face and stood up.
"Thank you, all of you, for sticking by Liv these past eighteen months, for having her back when I...I couldn't. And thank you for not excoriating me for my mistakes. I do have an explanation to give you, but I think there's someone else who needs to hear it first. So, if you'll please excuse me, I need to begin the first of many, I'm sure, groveling sessions."
With a nod at each of the other three men, Elliot straightened his shoulders and went down the hall, ready to come face to face with one of his worst nightmares—Olivia fighting for her very life and not being able to do anything to save her.
As Fin and Munch had done before him, he stood outside her room, letting his eyes roam over each and every piece of equipment that was sustaining her life. From outside the room, the figure on the bed looked so small, dwarfed by the machines surrounding her bed. It was hard reconciling that image with the strong, fit, confident, badass woman who had stood by his side, watching his back as he watched hers, for twelve years.
He looked up to the ceiling and prayed to the Lord and every saint he could think of that they restore Olivia to health. And then he walked in.
A/N 2: Apologies for yet another delay. Real life has been crazy the past couple weeks. But I've been plugging and plugging away at this chapter, trying to capture in words the way I see it in my mind. Sorry for the cliffhanger. I had originally wanted to include Elliot's 'confession/prayer' as well as Liv's dreamscape understanding of what is going on around her as relates to Elliot's speech. But, this chapter was delayed long enough, and this seemed to be a good place to leave off before we journey even deeper into Olivia's misty woods. And mea culpa for any typos or mistakes there may be. "It's 2am and I'm still awake, writing a (story), If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to..."
And yet another plea from the junkie that lurks inside of me: Reviews please!
