(Location: The Hart House)

Piper: (on the phone) Oh my god, did you not see real housewives of Swellview? Courtney flipped out in the middle of her boss' dinner. And Diane threw her husband off the roof.

(Piper hears noises from the kitchen)

Piper: I'm gonna call you back.

(Piper picks up a broom)

Piper: Hello? Who's there? Are you a telemarketer?

(Patrick reveals himself)

Patrick: What's a "telemeerkat"?

(Piper screams, then Patrick. Piper hits Patrick in the head with a broom)

Piper: Go away, beast!

Patrick: I was just hungry.

Piper: Well go eat the dirt off the ground!

(Piper continues to assault Patrick, then her dad Jake comes running down)

Jake: What in the world is going on?! What is all that racket?

(Patrick reveals himself to Jake, then Jake screams and picks up a book and hits Patrick in the face. He and Piper still assault Patrick until they get tired.)

Patrick: I'll.. just.. go.. then.

(Patrick crawls out of the house)

Piper: Yeah, you better run!

Jake: What the heck was that thing?!