She had been there for a month, now. Things were…fine. She woke up at five-thirty each morning. Got dressed for the day. It wasn't hard when you already knew what you would wear. Every day- no variations. Then she went downstairs and helped the Martha- her name was Sarah- make breakfast for the Blaine's. Then while Sarah served them, June would start on the dishes. She always waited for Sarah before she ate. It was only fair, and she didn't want to make the woman resent her lack of chores.

June thought what she did was a bit more difficult than cleaning the house, but she would never say so. That was a lesson she had learned at the Phillips' house as well. Her cheek had been red for quite some time. Let it go, June. After breakfast she went for a walk with her partner. Ofjames was…odd. Well, maybe not odd, but there was more to her than the personality Gilead forced on all of the Handmaid's. A spark of...something in her eyes. She always knew just a little more than she was supposed to.

The afternoon, and honestly most of the morning and the night, June spent in her room if Sarah didn't need any help. She had arrived at the end of her most fertile time, so there had been an entire month before she had to actually perform her 'duties'. The Ceremony was that night, but June made every effort not to think about that fact.

But, walking partners and ritual rape aside, things were settled. Or as settled as they ever were in this house. June had realized that the marriage between the Blaine's was in name only. She had seen the Commander exactly twice in the past month. Both times were completely by accident. June had a feeling he was avoiding her. Which she didn't mind at all. It was a relief to have the man of the house not trying to be near her.

But as happy as his absence made June, she noticed that it wasn't just her he avoided. She had woken up in the middle of the night a week after she arrived. She had decided that a snack would help her sleep, so she went downstairs to the kitchen. Mrs. Blaine had been standing outside of a door, white nightgown making her look virginal and young in the worst way. June had paused, not wanting to be seen. She watched from her place on the steps as Mrs. Blaine raised her hand to knock on the door only to let it fall back to her side before retreating into another room.

It could have been nothing. They could have been having a fight. But given the fact that the next day she helped Sarah clean the rooms, June realized that they always slept in separate rooms. And from what Sarah knew, it had been that way since they got married. 'He goes from his room to his office,' Sarah had told her. 'Then he comes home and goes to his study for the rest of the day. Then back to his room.'

It made June wonder what had made him get married if he didn't seem to want a wife. And Mrs. Blaine… She was so sweet and timid. She wanted to help with everything. And every time she was reminded that it wasn't her place, she looked as if someone had pushed her out of the sandbox at recess. And every day without fail, when the key turned in the front door, her eyes lit up like it was Christmas. And every day without fail, when the Commander walked passed her sitting room with nothing more than a quiet 'Hello' her entire body seemed to collapse into itself.

June truly didn't understand the relationship those two had. And as each day dragged on she found herself almost obsessing about how they ended up this way. It kept her mind busy at least. Sometimes she just imagined the Commander. It had been three days since she got to the house before she saw his face. That was probably a good thing in hindsight- less time for her to obsess over it.

Not that she obsessed, obsessed. It was more…curiosity. She had seen good looking Commanders before, and he wasn't Chris Hemsworth or Kit Harrington. But the man had a very nice face. And something about his eyebrows was…intriguing. But aside from his looks there was something about the way he walked, the way he spoke. His presence didn't match what she had seen in other Commanders. She couldn't understand him. So yeah, she was curious.

Maybe he had a mistress. Maybe he got Mrs. Blaine pregnant so he had to marry her. That would be disgusting, honestly. Like, what the fuck, dude? June laid sprawled across her bed. On top of the lilac comforter. Her eyes followed the slow rotation of the ceiling fan. Maybe he's gay. She doubted it, somehow. She had always been able to tell before. It wasn't punishable by death before, June. Okay, so maybe he was gay.

A knock on her door stopped June's speculation on her Commander's sexuality. She glanced at the clock by her bed. Six o'clock- time to start getting ready. June sat up properly. "Come in." She hated how small her voice had gotten since the Red Center. She used to be so assertive. She never made herself small or meek. She could be humble, but it wasn't the same type of humility here. This humility was closer to subservient. She hated it.

The door crack open a bit. "Blessed evening, Ofnicholas." Sarah saw her sitting on the bed- hands folded in her lap as was proper. The door opened wider and the other woman walked in. "it's time to prepare for the Ceremony." She had such a serene smile on her face. June wondered what she was so happy about.

Probably that it's me and not her.

June simply smiled back- less serene, but still a smile. She stood from the bed and moved to the bathroom. Sarah followed carrying a toiletry kit. June knew what was in it: scented soap, scented lotion, hotel sized shampoo and conditioner, and a razor. Special things for this most special occasion. And Sarah would stand in the corner and watch as June used each one.

Sarah passed her and turned on the water in the tub. June watched her adjust the temperature, testing it on her wrist. She had watched her cousin do that when she tested her baby's bottle. She wondered if Sarah had children before- or at least experience with them. Reaching back to unzip her dress, June put all thoughts of babies and children far from her mind. She didn't want to jinx herself tonight.

She stripped out of her clothes and stepped into the tub. The water was hot but June almost wished it were hotter. She wanted to burn her nerve endings off so she wouldn't have to feel what was about to happen to her. But thinking that way was pointless. So she washed her body, taking care to get everywhere. The Martha at the Philips' house had never hesitated to clean the places she felt that June had missed. And she pinched- hard.

When it was time, Sarah helped wash her hair. It would have been relaxing if June were at the salon. If she didn't know it was to make her look good for a man she didn't want. But she kept quiet. She shaved her legs and underarms while she had the opportunity. She used to get Brazilians at a place by her house. Somehow that was less intrusive than having Sarah stand in the corner while June shaved down there.

Sarah stepped forward, breaking June out of her thoughts. "It's almost time to go downstairs." With a quick nod, June finished drying herself off. Sarah slipped out of the room- toiletry kit in hand- and came back a moment later with fresh clothes. Identical to what she had been wearing all day, but clean. Only the best for the Ceremony. June pulled on her clothes before stepping into the bedroom. Sarah arranged her hair and put her bonnet on her head. Then all that was left was for June to slip on her shoes and go. "Blessed be the fruit."

June paused at the words.

"May the Lord open."


Mrs. Blaine's room wasn't yellow. The walls were turquoise, but everything else was cream colored. The bed, the wardrobe, the chaise in the corner- it was all cream. Not quite bridal, not quite virginal, but close. The entire room just highlighted the innocence of its occupant. Who was standing beside her bed, teal dress brushing against the turquoise border of the comforter. The person who would hold June down so her husband could try to impregnate her.

June got into position, lying at the end of the bed, knees bent over the edge. Mrs. Blaine climbed onto the bed behind June, her legs forming a 'V' on either side of June's head. She needs to be closer. There was too much space between June's head and Mrs. Blaine. "Should I move up?"

June felt Mrs. Blaine flinch when she spoke. She tilted her head so she could see the girl's face. Mrs. Blaine's cheeks were bright red and her eyes were glued to the embroidered flower beside her hip. But she slid closer to June until they were touching. June went back to the way she had been before.

A knock on the door kept her from getting lost in the images painted on the ceiling.

"Come in."

A door opened and June heard the Commander come in. She looked at him for a moment. His face was blank. Commander Philips had always had a smug smile on his face on Ceremony night. It had made June's skin crawl. This was a change she could get used to. Commander Blaine wore black suit pants and a white button-up shirt. No different from any other Commanders. But if June had been paying more attention she would admit that he seemed to wear his clothing with a confidence that made him almost appealing.

June let her hands rest beside her head, so Mrs. Blaine could hold her wrists. The movement caught the Commander's attention. His eyes went to her hands and for a second June thought she saw regret in his eyes. But whatever it was disappeared so quickly she couldn't be sure. Then he was removing his cufflinks and rolling his sleeves up on his forearms.

Mrs. Blaine finally took hold of June's wrists as the Commander stepped to the end of the bed. The girl's fingers were trembling and June could feel her breathing speed up. It was almost like she was the one about to be violated. Or maybe she was just having a hard time accepting that her husband would touch June- Ofnicholas- instead of her. June shut that thought down. Their marriage was none of her business. Mrs. Blaine's feelings weren't her concern. June just had to get through this.

The Commander folded the hem of her dress up just enough to stand between her thighs. He glanced at her for a moment and June saw the question in his eyes- Are you ready? She almost nodded before she remembered that it didn't matter anyway. Her eyes went to the ceiling. She figured he'd get the hint. And if not, his wife would probably say something soon.

He pressed inside.

Her eyes flew to his.

He was wearing a condom. Her hands fisted for a second before she relaxed again. She wondered if Mrs. Blaine had noticed. Then she stopped thinking about Mrs. Blaine altogether. The Commander was wearing a condom. That was…illegal. It went against the entire belief system that Gilead held on to. She waited for him to look at her- acknowledge what was happening in that moment. But his eyes stayed trained on a spot above Mrs. Blaine's head.

It didn't last long. He didn't come. June had been with enough men in her life- before and since Gilead- to know when a man came. And the Commander definitely didn't. But he did a good job acting like it. So June pretended, too. He folded her hem back down to fall properly. She tilted her hips up the slightest bit as if there was something to keep inside. The Commander pulled a handkerchief from his back pocket and 'cleaned himself up', but June caught a glimpse of the condom as he wadded up the cloth.

Then he gave a short nod to Mrs. Blaine and left the room.

What the fuck?