Her fingers tapped anxiously against the bathroom counter.

Luke was sitting on the floor, back against the tub. But June couldn't sit down. She had only just stopped pacing the small confines of their bathroom because it was making Luke more nervous. She wasn't ready. She knew she wasn't ready. Cravings, morning sickness, getting fat. And she would totally get fat. She wouldn't have a cute little basketball stomach. No, she'd have cankles, bloating from here until Christmas. And the peeing situation- she couldn't handle having something press on her bladder all the time.

'I hear pregnancy sex is really great, though.'

She said that out loud. Damn it. This is what happens when her mind is all over the place and her nerves are 5-hour Energy levels of shot. She heard Luke snicker behind her and shot him a death glare. But of course that only made him laugh more. She turned back to the timer.

13:21

13:20

13:19

She couldn't keep looking at that thing. It would drive her crazy. And why the actual fuck did it take fifteen minutes to get results? It shouldn't be that hard. Either you are pregnant or you aren't. This waiting was just to torture people. Irresponsible people who forgot their birth control or ran out of condoms. June wasn't those people. She shouldn't have to live through this. This was like when you get in trouble at school and the teacher says they're going to tell your parents. This is the drive home feeling. When your mind is running through all the ways your mom or dad can ruin your life, kill you, take your Wii. She never even had a Wii. But this was that feeling- the feeling of impending Wii loss.

God, would she have to get a Wii for this kid? She didn't even know how she felt about video games for children. How did Luke feel about video games for children? She looked at the man whose baby she may or may not be carrying at this exact moment. He looked like a video game kind of dad. Oh, shit! He totally looked like a dad. Fuck! Now she couldn't un-see it. It was in her head forever now.

'June. June? Babe, the timer- the timer beeped.'

She snapped out of her thoughts. It couldn't have been thirteen minutes already. Had she really zone out for thirteen minutes thinking about Wii? Who does that? Who the fuck cares, June? She looked at the timer. 00:00 blinked back at her. She held out her hand and Luke stood up to grab it. Her free hand reached for the box- she had stuck the test in there so she wouldn't look early. She slid the test out.

Not Pregnant

'Oh, thank God!' She turned and threw her arms around Luke. He held her just as tight. 'That was horrible. We are never- ever doing that again, okay?' Luke pulled back to look at her, calm smile she was so used to seeing back on his face. She loved him so much. She really did. And they weren't having a baby any time soon. 'Let's go have not pregnant sex.'

She dragged him out of the bathroom.


Two months since she arrived and she felt like maybe she could survive this posting. Mrs. Blaine was sweet and didn't make June feel like an intrusive whore. The Commander was mostly absent- which was always nice. It made it easier not to daydream about his face or stress about 'the condom situation'. Sarah was cool, they had a good routine and they got along a lot better than June had expected. Things were… good.

June walked into the day room at the back of the house. No one ever seemed to go there, so she had appropriated it for herself. It was where she went when her room was too purple, or Sarah didn't want company. It would have been a great place to read. You know, if it weren't illegal.

She sat at the little table by the window. It looked out onto the garden at the back of the house. There were so many different flowers and plants. Mrs. Blaine had two hummingbird feeders and three birdhouses. June loved to watch the birds and squirrels as they looked for food. And from inside she could avoid the bees and other unsavory insects that came with nature.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting there, letting the sun warm her through the glass, before someone stepped into the room. June opened her eyes and turned towards the door. Mrs. Blaine stood shyly in the doorway, her hands twisting in her skirt. "I didn't know anyone would be here." She was already turning to leave as she said, "I can come back…"

"No, I was just leaving."

She hadn't been, but June stood up anyway. Mrs. Blaine walked into the room and June waited until she was seated before moving toward the door herself. "Actually, Ofnicholas, could you stay?" June cringed. She didn't want to stay. It was so awkward whenever she was in the same room with this girl. They had nothing in common that June could tell. But she didn't really have much choice. She nodded and returned to her seat.

Mrs. Blaine stared out the window. Her brows were furrowed and she was biting her lip absently. June wondered what she was thinking about. Then realized she probably didn't want to know. The silence that filled the room was as awkward as June had expected. But somehow Mrs. Blaine either didn't notice or didn't care. So June turned back to the window as well. It was less uncomfortable to look at.

They had been sitting in silence for a while. June's thoughts had taken her to Luke and she felt a smile playing at the corner of her lips. She liked those moments- when she could think of him without pain. She was a widow- this place had made her a widow, but she had never been given the time to grieve or accept that change in her life. Gilead had thrown her into so much shit that she had only had time to tread water. She was still treading water, she was just better at it now.

"What was it like? Before?"

June startled. She had forgotten that she wasn't alone. She looked at the other person in the room with her. She hadn't even heard her question. "I beg your pardon?" Mrs. Blaine looked away from the garden and set her gaze on June.

"America. I don't remember it very well. What was it like?"

June took a deep breath. It had been so long since she had thought about the country she was born in. It was so different from the world she lived in now. She thought about her past- the people she knew and loved, what her everyday world looked like. But America as a nation- the country as a whole- she hadn't thought about it.

She sat straighter in her chair. "It was…crazy. There was so much unrest in the last few years. People were worried about the fertility issues and how the government was handling them. There was so much happening in society. Especially civil rights. There were Pride marches and Women's marches to promote equality. Immigrants were finally getting the respect and recognition they deserved as human beings. Society was finally openly addressing the internalized racism against blacks and Hispanics and just people of color. So much good was happening." June remembered going to a forum and having real, open discussion about white privilege and the dangers of certain LGBT stereotypes. She had heard differing, but respectful, opinions on government and healthcare. It had been so refreshing. "And technology was making such cool advances. AI's and virtual reality. The music scene was amazing. And honestly, I wasn't super excited about Hollywood, but even that was doing pretty great."

June looked over and saw Mrs. Blaine. Her eyes were so wide. But it wasn't excitement. It was fear. She looked terrified of every word that was coming out of June's mouth. "Those things distract us from God. And some of them are sins. Why would you want to live in a world like that?" June stared at this girl. She tried to imagine what it would be like to be raised in a home that truly believed all of what Gilead taught. She tried to imagine hearing about LGBT rights when she had been taught that anything other than a man and a woman was a sin.

She couldn't. She honestly couldn't. But that was the world this girl had been raised in. And June realized that she felt sorry for her. There was nothing wrong with having faith. There was nothing wrong with standing by your values. But to not even realize how people had warped some of the values you were holding onto… it was sad.

"They said that loving my husband was a sin. That's why I'm a Handmaid."

Mrs. Blaine's eyes dropped to the floor. "You were married?" June nodded. "I thought it would be different- marriage. I thought we would be in love." June looked at her hands. She wanted to ask so many questions, but it wasn't her place. It wasn't her place and she didn't want to know. She didn't want to be connected to this girl. "Why was it a sin? To love your husband?"

June thought of the first time she met Luke. She thought of the first night they spent together. She remembered the day she met his wife- Annie. "He was married when we met- when we fell in love. It was adultery." She wasn't ashamed. Luke's marriage had been failing before June came into the picture. And she loved her husband. They loved each other. "He and his first wife just didn't fit together anymore. It wasn't a healthy relationship and they weren't happy."

"But they made vows. They made a promise before God. You can't just break that. It's wrong."

God, if only it could be that black and white. If only life was as simple as her mind made it seem. "Maybe it was. But the people they were when they made their vows weren't the same people who broke them." June thought about the last normal day with Luke. She thought about how much had changed since then- how much she had changed. Would they still love each other the way they had before? She hated that she didn't know.

Mrs. Blaine looked at her with such deep conflict in her eyes. June could see a million different thoughts and emotions, but she couldn't decipher any of them. Mrs. Blaine nodded slowly, like the weight of her thoughts was too much for her head to hold up. For the first time she didn't look like a child.

June left her to her thoughts.


She had spoken to the Commander exactly twice. The first time he had bumped into her by accident. He said 'I'm sorry', she said 'It's alright', and then he went on his way. The second had been in the kitchen. It was cloudy outside. He said 'It's gonna rain', she said 'Praise be'. That was it. That was the extent of their conversations in the last two months. So June was more than a little uneasy when Commander Blaine stepped into the kitchen that evening.

Sarah had already left, deciding to enjoy the evening in her room. June didn't blame her. Having time to yourself kept you sane. As long as you weren't alone too long. Then thoughts crept in that were dangerous. Still, June would have preferred Sarah there with her when the Commander showed up.

She had been sitting at the kitchen table, rolling an orange back and forth in her hands. It was something she had always done, since she was a little girl. It helped her think. But when Commander Blaine sat in the chair across from her, June forgot all about what she had been thinking. So this is it. She knew how it would start. Small little favors, a little peck on the cheek, then a hand on her ass and his tongue down her throat.

She sat up straighter. If he was going to do this, June didn't want to look scared. She was, but he didn't have to know that. "Did you grow up around here?" She blinked. What? She didn't understand the question. She did, but…she didn't? June knew her face had to look confused because he tried again. "Did you live in Boston? Before?"

Was this a trap? Was he trying to get her to say something bad about Gilead? What was his game here? But she couldn't keep quiet. That was disrespectful- against the rules. Whatever new rules he was making her play by, anyway. So she nodded slowly. "Yes. I grew up in Boston." He nodded. Good. Conversation over. For a second she thought she could breathe normally again, instead of this weird hiccup-y thing she was trying not to let him see.

"I'd never been. What was it like?"

Seriously, what the hell was this? June glanced behind her, half expecting the Eyes to be waiting to drag her off somewhere. But no one was there. It was just the two of them. Alone. Talking about Boston. "It was busy. Lots of people all the time. Tourists." What the hell could she say? This entire conversation could get her in serious trouble.

"Did you like the White Sox?"

That killed the fear. June had to force herself not to laugh out loud. Or roll her eyes. "Well since the White Sox were Chicago's team, no. But I did like the Red Sox." The corners of his mouth tipped up slightly. She wouldn't even really call it a smile. And now that the fear was gone, it made her relax a little. Like maybe she could do this. Talk sports. As long as he didn't touch her. "Did you have a favorite team?"

He shrugged, but June saw his shoulders get tense. Was she not allowed to ask questions? His hands came to rest on the table- the thumb of one hand drawing circles on the palm of the other. "Never really paid attention. Sports were more my brother's thing." He seemed to trip over the word 'brother'. It made June wonder what had happened there. "But if I had to pick, I guess I'd go with the Yankees. They did okay, didn't they?"

"Yeah, they did okay."

She caught that almost smile again. Then something changed. She wasn't sure what, exactly. But something was different now. Commander Blaine looked out the window so June did the same. The sky was still light, but the sun would be setting soon. She wished it wouldn't. She wished it could stay daylight for the next week. Then she could just skip the…

"Is this because the Ceremony is tomorrow?"

She regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. It didn't matter, did it? Either way the Ceremony was happening. Him asking about sports teams wouldn't change that. And now the mood was shot. It was so odd how she could see him close himself off. It wasn't like she knew him very well- or at all. And he always had a blank expression. But this was truly blank. And it just emphasized how un-blank he had been two minutes ago. He looked away from the window and stood up. June stood, too, returning the orange she had been playing with to the fruit bowl.

"You should get some rest," he said.

Then he walked out of the kitchen.

What the fuck just happened?


She didn't rest. Her walking partner came to the kitchen door instead. That was odd. Handmaids weren't supposed to interact with each other too much. It was too dangerous for such sinful minds to converse for too long. They might get ideas. But for some reason Ofjames was standing at the back door.

June opened the door but didn't invite the other woman inside. There were rules. "Blessed be the fruit." The other Handmaid didn't return the greeting. She simply held out her hand. June did the same, curious and confused. A small slip of paper passed from Ofjames to her and June almost dropped it. She could lose a finger for having this. She didn't even know what it was, and it could get her permanently disfigured.

"I hear there are oranges at the market this week. We should get some tomorrow." If it weren't for the piece of paper and the oddly bright eyes, June would think nothing of this whole exchange. There was an excited, almost mad glint in Ofjames' eyes. But her words were calm and as dull as they should be. None of this made sense and June was suddenly afraid that if she read the paper that it would.

But she couldn't just stand there like this. So she nodded and said, "Praised be." She smiled and watched as Ofjames turned and walked back down to the street. June slipped the paper into her pocket and closed the door. Then she forced herself to calmly walk to her room. Her heart was pounding and she just knew that Mrs. Blaine or the Commander was going to step out and stop her at any second.

But they didn't. She reached her floor and rushed quietly down the hall to her room. She just barely kept the door from slamming shut behind her as she entered. Fumbling in her pocket, June grasped the paper and pulled it out. Her fingers were trembling and her breathing was ridiculously fast. Oh my God, June you haven't even opened it yet. She unfolded the paper and stared blankly at the black ink scrawled across the white.

It took her a moment to actually read the words on the paper. Her shaking index finger traced along over the ink without truly seeing it. She was holding a note. She was holding something readable. No pictures, no odd figures, but actual letters that made words when put in proper order. She was an editor- written language was something she treasured. And now, this small note joined the list of things she loved to read. And she still hadn't read it.

She focused on the words- made herself read them. Once, twice, three, then four times. Finally the meaning sunk in. Finally she realized what she held in her hand. Death. She held death in her hands. And maybe freedom.

'M'aidez, ma sœur, et je vous aiderai.

Alma.'

Mayday.

It was real.