June didn't know what happened after she read Ofjames- Alma's- note.
It was so crazy. She had heard of an underground movement. People trying to escape Gilead, bring down the government, free the Handmaids. But in the middle of a Ceremony or during one of Aunt Lydia's punishments, resistance sounded like a fairytale. Something people told themselves to keep from suffocating in this place.
She never thought it could be true.
But she had proof. It was in her hands. Or it had been. She had torn the paper up after her fifteenth time reading it. Then she had flushed the pieces down the toilet, terrified that somehow the Commander or Mrs. Blaine or Sarah would know she had read it- would barge in and hand her over to the Eyes to be tortured. They didn't, of course. But her mind was still trapped by the words she had read- by what they meant. What they could mean.
So she was surprised when Sarah woke her up the next morning. She hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep. The day was shot for June- she didn't even go to the market. She should have. She wanted more information. But instead she had passed the day in her room, trying to think of ways she could help. Thinking of ways they could get her out.
Then Sarah came to get her ready for the Ceremony. She had completely forgotten about it. Secret organizations could have that effect apparently. She had practically turned into a robot- moving when Sarah told her to. Responding with the expected-programed- responses. But her mind…it was thinking of anything but Sarah or the Ceremony or anything related to the Blaine house.
She followed Sarah down the stairs to the sitting room. The yellow for once not even registering in June's mind. She knelt like she was supposed to. She listened while the Commander read the bible. She rose as she followed Mrs. Blaine to her room. It was all by rote. Walk. Turn. Sit. Lay back. Hands up. Legs closed. Motions she no longer had to think about.
Until the side door opened.
It was amazing how her mind could snap right back into focus when she didn't want it to. Her eyes went to the Commander and she finally felt the weight of Mrs. Blaine's hands clasped around her wrists. She heard the shallow breaths from the woman- girl- behind her. The sound of a zipper, the gentle pressure of the Commander's hands parting her legs- it all came to her attention.
She looked at the Commander. He was staring at the place on the wall above Mrs. Blaine's head again. But this time June was sure she could see a little bit of emotion behind his eyes. 'Cause you're an expert on the man now? One conversation didn't mean she knew him. But it still felt like he was more open than last time.
He pressed inside of her and June startled at the feel of a condom again. She had forgotten. How had she forgotten that? Possible revolution. Right. Still, her reaction brought the Commander's eyes to hers for a fraction of a second. In warning? To check in? She didn't know- couldn't tell. But that hint of emotion seemed a little bit stronger.
She let her eyes leave him and go to the ceiling. She listed as many colors as she could think of- by family. She itemized all of the things she wanted to wear if she ever got out of this place. She was just thinking of the bikini she had worn the last summer before everything went to shit when it happened. Something changed. His rhythm, his speed, she wasn't really sure. But it felt…good. Her eyes dropped to his face and he was back to being perfectly emotionless.
So he's doing it on purpose.
He pushed in a little bit deeper- barely noticeable- and she felt herself getting turned on. He did it again and she bit the inside of her lip to keep from gasping in pleasure. This isn't right. She tried to keep her breathing normal. Tried to remind herself why she couldn't enjoy this. But it wasn't working. Then he pushed in a little deeper and she lost her train of thought completely. Her hips tilted up into his thrust. His eyes met hers and she could have sworn she saw something there before he looked away. Asshole. But he was still moving just right. He was still hitting that spot inside of her that made the world seem brighter and her lungs feel smaller.
Her toes curled inside her boots and her muscles tensed as he pushed her closer and closer to the edge. She didn't know what to do. This wasn't allowed. She wasn't supposed to enjoy it. But she couldn't exactly stop it. Her breathing hitched and her fists were so tight her nails were going to leave marks. His hips shifted the smallest bit and she bit her tongue as she came, her inner muscles clamping down hard around the Commander.
He pretended to come again. She almost didn't notice- she was so lost in how good it felt. But she knew he hadn't come that time either. That's twice, now. He pulled out slowly- or maybe it just felt slow to her. She was way too sensitive. It had been too long since the last time a man had given her an orgasm. Her body wasn't prepared. She watched as he cleaned himself up- well she stared at his back at least.
Mrs. Blaine let go of June's wrists and slid up the bed to lean against the headboard. For a moment June's heart stopped. Had she realized something was off? Did she know what had just happened? She looked at the girl to see, but she looked the same as she always did. Her cheeks red from embarrassment, innocent eyes with a hint of sadness in them. June's buzz faded as she looked at Mrs. Blaine. Her husband had just intentionally gotten June off. And the girl didn't even know it.
She looked back to the Commander and found him watching his wife closely. "Eden?" What kind of name is that? No one would really name their kid that, would they? But apparently they did because Mrs. Blaine looked up. "What's wrong?" The Commander's voice wasn't very soft or even particularly caring, but when June glanced back, Mrs. Blaine was staring at him like he had just offered her the sun, moon, and stars.
Mrs. Blaine looked at June for a second before shaking her head quickly. "Nothing. I just hope that God blesses us with a child soon." It was like someone had slapped June in the face. Slowly she sat up. How could you forget? You're only here so she can steal your baby one day. Except- her husband kept sabotaging the whole thing with his condoms and not coming thing.
The Commander nodded as June stood to leave the room. The Commander was supposed to leave first, but June couldn't wait. She kept her face calm as she walked to the door and left. She didn't even pause when she heard the door open and close again behind her. She rushed to her room and fell onto her bed.
He had made her come. He had made her come for no reason. And, damn it, she kinda wanted him to do it again.
This is getting more and more fucked by the minute.
She had been in bed for nearly two hours when someone knocked on her door. For a minute June thought about ignoring it- pretending she was asleep. But she…couldn't. She wanted to know who had come to her room. She wanted to know why. She wondered if it was the Commander trying to repeat what had happened between them- the talk or the orgasm. She'd take one. The other…she couldn't risk it. No matter how good it had felt at the time.
The knock came again and June pulled herself out of the warm bed and made her way to the door. It wasn't the Blaine she expected. Instead the Commander's wife stood in the hall dressed in a simple white nightgown that covered her from head to toe. It was like June had stepped into the 17th century.
"Can I come in?" Like I have a choice. June pushed that thought away and gestured for the girl to come inside. Mrs. Blaine circled the room for a moment before perching in the window seat. "I'm sorry for coming so late. I just needed…to talk?" She sounded so young. And scared. She sounded like her world was falling apart and she didn't know how to stop it.
June knew that feeling intimately.
"It's alright." It wasn't. It was odd and against the rules and just…not what June wanted to deal with after a Ceremony- even a pleasurable one. "How can I help?" She watched as Mrs. Blaine twisted her fingers together and stared out the window. She looked so small, so innocent. Who thought she was ready to be someone's wife? She was barely a teenager.
"Do you know how me and my husband met?" June shook her head slowly. This felt like a trap, but she didn't know why. Mrs. Blaine nodded distractedly. June could tell she was in another place, another time. "It was on our wedding day." June's eyes widened at that. "He was a driver. For Commander Waterford. I was just a girl from a farm." June felt a sense of dread creeping into her veins. "They told me what was happening, but I think I knew, when I saw him, that no one had told him anything."
No wonder he can barely look at her.
"He had done something- something important. No one would tell me what at first, though. But what he did, his Commander seemed really proud of him. He asked for my husband to be promoted to Commander." It seemed a little extreme to June. Going from driver to Commander in one day. It didn't sound right. "We were part of a mass wedding- lots of Guardians getting promoted and the marriages were part of it. I was so excited." June could hear the wistfulness in Mrs. Blaine's voice. It made her chest hurt. "But, I guess it wasn't really a promotion…."
June spoke before she could stop herself. "What do you mean?"
Mrs. Blaine turned from the window and stared at June for a long moment. There was so much in the girl's eyes- so much pain and sadness and slowly dying hope. "The Commander found out that Mrs. Waterford tried to use my husband to get a Handmaid pregnant. She said Commander Waterford couldn't do it. Nick said no, but he got punished anyway. With the marriage. With me. I think because I'm so young?"
June didn't want to hear anymore. She remembered her first day. Remembered how she had thought this girl was a victim, forced into a marriage with a perverted child molester. But the truth was they both were victims. The Commander had been forced into a marriage he couldn't say no to with someone- a child- he didn't want. And Mrs. Blaine…She was just a means to an end- a pawn in the hands of petty, vengeful men. It explained the distance. It explained the condoms. It explained everything she hadn't wanted to ask or know about their marriage.
"My husband hates me," she said brokenly, defeat dripping from every word. "But I think I could love him- he's really a good man. I know he is- I can see it. But I don't know how I can make him happy." Tears glistened in Mrs. Blaine's eyes and spilled over. June had to force herself to stay where she was. "I don't know what to do," the girl whispered, her voice breaking around the words.
Fuck you Gilead. Fuck you Waterford. Just…fuck this.
She wanted to scream it. She wanted to go over and hug this little girl who was trying to be a woman before she was ready. It was crazy and sick and wrong. But she didn't. She stayed where she was. Because there was nothing she could say or do anyway. Not really. There's Mayday. June shoved that thought into a dark corner of her mind. She couldn't risk it- not even for this child. Not when she didn't know how it worked. And she felt like a bitch but…
She had to think of herself first.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Blaine," she started, trying to think of something…appropriate to say. "But the Lord knows what's best. He allowed these things to happen for a reason, right?" The girl nodded, a faint smile coming to her lips. June held in a sigh. She really believed everything Gilead stood for, didn't she? "Maybe in time the Commander will open up to you. When you're older, maybe." June doubted it. Something about the man told her he would never be able to look at his wife the way she wanted him to.
But the words brought Mrs. Blaine out of her sad thoughts. June could pinpoint the moment her words sunk in. It was as if the girl was seeing the sun for the first time after a hurricane. Her smile was soft and full of hope. It made June's chest hurt to watch. When did I start giving false hope to kids? But there was no other kind of hope to give. Gilead killed it, systematically and thoroughly.
"Thank you, Ofnicholas."
"You're welcome, Mrs. Blaine."
It happened again. The Commander came to the kitchen while Sarah was out of the house with Mrs. Blaine. This time June knew he hadn't expected to see her. His steps had faltered for a moment at the door. But then she watched as he shook it off and went to the refrigerator. "Good afternoon." She was the only one in the room, but she still looked behind her to be sure.
"Good afternoon, Commander Blaine." He paused for a moment, looking over his shoulder at her. There was that flash of something again. He turned away and grabbed a pitcher of lemonade and carried it to the table. Then he went to the cabinet and grabbed a glass- held it up to her in question. "Yes, thank you." He took out another one and carried them to the table and poured for both of them. He slid her glass to her slowly.
The glass was cool against her fingers as June pulled it closer to her. She wiped away the condensation that was forming as she waited for the Commander to leave. But he didn't. He sat at the table with her like he had the other night. "They offered me your file- before Mrs. Blaine picked you," he said. June sat straighter. She hadn't known there was a file on her for them to see. But she wasn't surprised. And she didn't miss the fact that Mrs. Blaine had picked her. She took a sip of her drink. "But I'd rather know the things you want me to know."
That surprised her. And it made her nervous. What was the point of this? What did he get out of it? He wasn't trying to get her pregnant. He never touched her outside of the Ceremony. Why was he starting conversations all of a sudden? She could imagine that her face showed all of her confusion and suspicion. But she couldn't help it. Not right then. So she blurted out, "The weather has been nice recently." God, June way to go. Smoothest subject change in history.
The Commander kept the same blank expression. "It has." God, she felt like an idiot. He took a deep breath, then, "You don't have to tell me anything." She took another sip of lemonade to keep from fidgeting. She didn't know what to say or do. But he spoke again. "I hope it rains soon." She quirked an eyebrow at that. She liked when it rained, too. It matched the way she thought Gilead should look- dreary and depressing. She watched the man sitting next to her. He wasn't looking at her anymore. His focus was on something outside. It made it easier to breathe. He wasn't expecting anything from her- a first for a man in Gilead.
"Did you listen to a lot of music? Before?" She didn't know where the question came from or why she asked it. She was happy with the silence. She wanted him to go away, didn't she? So why the fuck was she asking him about his music habits? His eyes slid to hers slowly, and she caught that hint of amusement again as he nodded. "What kind?"
He turned slightly in his chair so he could face her better. "Pop, mostly. Some R&B, a little Rap. Motown was big in my family- my mom was from Detroit." She didn't miss the way he looked away when he mentioned him mom. So family is a touchy subject. "What about you?"
"Oh a little bit of everything. Just not Country." She added a slight southern twang to the last word and the Commander let out another almost smile. Her lips tipped up a little bit, too. "I liked Indie Rock…a lot. And Classical, sometimes." She took in the way he was watching her as she spoke. It was intense without being overwhelming. It made June wonder when the last time he had an actual conversation was. One that wasn't dictated by Gilead's rhetoric.
The sound of the gate opening startled June. "Sarah's back," the Commander said as if to reassure her. June nodded while she took a deep breath. Her heart was beating a little too fast. It reminded her of how dangerous this conversation was- how dangerous it was to be alone in a room with this man- any man. Standing calmly, the Commander grabbed the pitcher of lemonade. June watched as he returned it to the refrigerator. "It was nice talking to you," he said as he took his glass from the table and made his way out of the kitchen.
"You too."
The back door opened as he turned into the hallway.
She was pretty sure she had seen a smile.
