AN: A lot happens in this story that I don't write. it's been three months since June got to the Blaine house. She's been getting to know Nick for two of those months. They aren't as unsure of each other emotionally. Just, keep that in mind as you read.

This chapter has a Ceremony, fair warning. But honestly, at this point it feels less like a Ceremony and more like smut with Eden as an unobservant voyeur.


June and the Commander somehow found themselves talking at the kitchen table a lot over the next month. Small talk, more than small talk. But it was nice. It felt like June could be herself- even if only a little bit. Sarah had caught them once, but she hadn't said anything and they had been more careful afterwards. Surprisingly, June enjoyed those little moments too much to be careless.

Things between the Commander and Mrs. Blaine were different, too. He said more than hello to her now. At least from what June had noticed. Sarah seemed to think things were better, too. She kept mentioning how much more the Commander's wife smiled. Either way, June was happy for the girl. Any glimmer of happiness a person could find in this place, they should grab on to with both hands.

Things were oddly good in the Blaine household. Which is the reason June told herself she should have known something would ruin it. Because nothing good could last in Gilead. Still, she hadn't been prepared for what she learned.

She had gone down to the garden that morning. It was the best place to find Mrs. Blaine. Sarah needed some herbs and although she had permission to get what she needed, the Martha always asked first. Just in case. So June had volunteered to go for her. Like she had done plenty of other times since she arrived. She had picked one of the lilies by the back door, she had watched as a butterfly fluttered from flower to flower. And when she reached the greenhouse, June hadn't even thought to knock. She never did.

She opened the door…and froze.

Mrs. Blaine was against a support beam in the center of the greenhouse. Guardian Isaac was pressed against her. She had her hands in his hair and his were on her waist. And June didn't know what the fuck to do. Because this was illegal. It was a hanging offense. They would both be on the wall or worse.

But…it was also a teenager kissing a boy she liked.

June could remember sneaking around when she was a teenager, kissing behind bleachers and finding dark corners to make out in. She remembered the first time she and Luke had met up in that hotel room, how excited and nervous she had been. How in love she had felt. It was a feeling Gilead said was wrong. And just for that June didn't want to say anything. A silent 'Fuck you' to the dipshits who ran this place.

So she had slipped out of the greenhouse quietly. She made her way back into the kitchen. When Sarah had asked, June said she didn't find Mrs. Blaine. And that was the end of it. Or she had hoped it was. It wasn't until the Commander had come into the kitchen for their usual chat. Then June hadn't been able to stop thinking about it- the fact that this man's wife was kissing someone else.


It shouldn't matter. June knew it shouldn't matter. The Commander didn't want Mrs. Blaine that way. And obviously Guardian Isaac did. But June couldn't shake the feeling that the Commander should know. Not because of the infidelity- it was more than that. It was the risk that Mrs. Blaine was taking. It was the fact that the Commander would have to be the one to punish her if she got caught- and he may not love her as a wife, but it hadn't taken long for June to realize that the Commander felt responsible for Mrs. Blaine.

It was more stress than June wanted. First finding out about Mayday and Alma. Now this. She didn't know how many more life-threatening secrets she could juggle before something dropped. And she wasn't sure when it had happened but she felt an odd sense of loyalty to the Commander. It was as if their little secret about the condoms and their talks these last two months had bonded them somehow- no matter how impossible it seemed.

June sat on her bed, listening to Sarah and Mrs. Blaine talking in the kitchen. Their voices were the same. There was no tension, no pauses from Mrs. Blaine to indicate guilt or a lie. And why should there be? It's not like Sarah was going to ask her if she had sucked face with not the Commander. God, this wasn't even something Mrs. Blaine had to actually lie about. She just had to be her usual self. The sweet, shy, innocent girl who wanted her husband to notice her.

"This is so fucked," June whispered to the ceiling.

The front door opened and June could hear the Commander's confident tread as he moved through his house. The conversation in the kitchen paused for a moment, but it always did when the Commander came home. She could just make out the Commander's voice, probably giving his usual greeting to Sarah and Mrs. Blaine. Then Mrs. Blaine's soft response. Was June being crazy or was there an edge of sarcasm in her tone?

"Let me be crazy. No, let this morning have been a weird depression induced hallucination." She fell back on her bed. "I need a drink." How did she end up in this situation? Alma kept dropping hints about Mayday meetings. Meetings June wanted to go to. Meetings that would get her killed. The Commander was asking less small talk questions and more real questions lately. Questions that said 'I want to know you'. Questions that said 'Maybe we can be friends'. She didn't need to worry about Mrs. Blaine's secret boyfriend, too.

Or what it would mean for her if Mrs. Blaine was executed.

Would she be posted somewhere else? Somewhere worse? Would she still have to finish her two years? How would that work? How would it look to the other Commanders and Wives and Handmaids? Would it change things between June and the Commander? Would they just assign him a new- better- wife? God, did this girl not realize how many lives she was messing with? Was it really worth it for some dick? She probably hasn't even gotten any. It would be wrong. More wrong than cheating on her husband in the first place.

The husband who doesn't want her. The husband who barely talks to her. It's getting better. God, who was she trying to convince? And did June really have room to judge? Because she certainly hadn't given Luke's wife one thought when they started their affair. And Luke never acted like he was worried about Annie's feelings when he was with her. Love was such a bitch.

None of that mattered, though, because she should tell the Commander.

She just...didn't


She talked to Alma. Well, Alma talked to her. Again. She wanted June to come to a meeting with her. A Mayday meeting. She wanted to introduce her to the people she worked with- some of them, anyway. And June… She wanted to. But she also wanted to live long enough to get out of Gilead.

The rebellion was growing. There was unrest in some of the outer sections of Gilead. Mayday was hearing things. Things June couldn't learn more about unless she was really in. And she wanted to know. She wanted to help. But the timing was bad. And her situation was…unique.

Her mistress was having an affair. Her Commander was breaking all kinds of rules. If June got involved- if someone started looking into her life because of this Mayday thing- her entire house could fall. And even though she didn't completely understand the Blaines that didn't mean she wanted anything bad to happen to them. No one else in Gilead had treated her with as much respect as Commander Blaine- not even other Handmaids. And Mrs. Blaine…she didn't know how to be mean.

June walked down the street. It was so quiet- so orderly. She hated it. There were no kids laughing. There were no people rushing to work or to the mall. There was just the steady beat of her feet on the sidewalk. There was just the overbearing presence of the Guardians lining the streets. It really was a prison, this place. But what if Mayday could get you out? She should try right? And maybe they could get other Handmaids out, or kids. That's what Alma said the goal was.

"How would I meet your people?"

She pretended not to see the surprise on Alma's face when she looked at her. But she understood. June had been trying to keep from being a real part of the resistance since Alma mentioned it. It was kind of shitty- wanting information but not being willing to risk anything for it. Alma kept her pace regular, she kept her muscles loose. "There are steps. I have to get permission to bring you in again."

June nodded. Not in agreement, just to acknowledge Alma's words. "I need more time to think about it. Things are…complicated lately." And she was scared. More than scared. But she didn't need to tell Alma that. "Why did you tell me about this?" That had been the question that crept into June's head most often. The one she could never come up with a good answer for.

"You're smart- smart enough to act like you're not. And you hate this place." June couldn't argue with that. "And I saw your file. You're from around here. Most of my group came from out of state. You can be useful." June nodded along. She could see where Alma was coming from. "Besides, if you fuck up… What's one more dead handmaid, right?"


It took her two days to notice. Well technically it took a month and two days. But still, it took two days for her to figure out what was different between her and the Commander. If she had been anywhere else it would have been instantaneous. Anywhere else she would have been thinking about what she'd say the next time she saw him or what she'd wear. But she wasn't anywhere else. And it felt so crazy she didn't even consider it a possibility. Besides, there was Alma and Mayday and now Mrs. Blaine's secret. Her mind was a little busy dealing with other things. So it took two days for her to realize that small talk had turned to flirting.

It was subtle. Mostly nonverbal. Because there were rules. But now that she realized what was happening it was hard to miss. Quietly mimicking each other's actions. The spark of amusement in his eyes. The way her words were just this side of suggestive. Her fingers brushing his when he got her something to drink. It was all obvious…now.

She glanced at the man seated across from her at the table. He was watching her intently, the corners of his mouth tipped up just barely. They were talking about high school- the popular kids. She had been one. He hadn't - which, honestly, she wasn't surprised. She told him about band practice and soccer. But the intense look had only come in when she mentioned cheer camp. And now that she'd seen it, she liked it.

"You were a cheerleader?" She nodded slowly. "Were you any good?"

She looked him straight in the eye, smirk playing at her lips. "People said I was." His lips twitched up for a second, almost like he wasn't sure she was serious. Then his smile widened, no hiding it now. He ducked his head then glanced up at her. She felt a hum of energy under her skin as she looked at him. It was nice.

He shook his head, raising it so that she could see his entire face again. "Maybe you can show me one day," he said, voice low and delicious. It took a moment for the words to register as his voice settled over her and sent her stomach swirling. Then her cheeks were getting a little warm. Really, June? Blushing? But it was the most openly flirty thing he'd said to her. And it implied that this thing they had going wasn't just words- or at least that it didn't have to stay that way.

For some reason that thought didn't bother her.

She smiled back at him. "Maybe." She slowly stood from the table and moved to the cabinet. His eyes followed her across the room. She took down two glasses. Moving to his side of the table June stopped behind the Commander. Her breathing was a little uneven and her stomach was in knots. This was dangerous- she was risking so much. But she still pressed close to the Commander from behind. She still leaned over his shoulder to place his glass on the table in front of him. He turned his head as she bent over him and their faces were inches apart.

Don't look, June. Don't you dare turn your head.

His tongue came out to wet his bottom lip and June froze- hovering beside him in a trance. Her teeth caught her lower lip and the sting of it made her wish it was him doing the biting. Shit, shit, shit! God, what were they doing? She slowly released her lip and straightened up. She took a step towards the refrigerator as footsteps came from down the hall. June took a deep breath to compose herself right as Sarah walked into the kitchen.

The Martha jerked to a stop in the doorway as she realized that June wasn't alone. But she recovered quickly. The Commander stood up and took his unused glass to the sink while June poured herself some juice as if nothing had just happened between them. "Good afternoon, Sarah," he said as he moved towards the doorway. The Martha nodded confusedly, but didn't say anything. June sipped her juice as she turned to face the room. The Commander caught her eye and gave an almost imperceptible nod.

Then he was gone and June had to help Sarah prepare dinner while ignoring how warm she suddenly felt.


She was nervous for the Ceremony that night. She had butterflies. Which was fucking ridiculous because why the hell was she excited to have sex with someone while his wife held her down? God this place is so fucked up. But even though she knew that, it didn't change the fact that June was practically dripping as she knelt in the sitting room while Commander Blaine read the scripture. That had to be some kind of sin, right? No one should be this turned on while reading about biblical infertility.

She was crazy- she could admit it.

But then she had to wait. And wait. And fucking wait. It seemed like the Commander took days to finally open the door to Mrs. Blaine's bedroom. But when he did, June could immediately sense the change in him. He was still seemingly cold and mostly expressionless, but June could feel…something. Some energy radiating off of him that made her want him.

Her eyes tracked him as he moved across the room getting ready. When he finally came to the bed he quirked an eyebrow at her. It took way longer than it should have to realize he was waiting for her to lie down and get in position. But she noticed the spark of amusement in his eyes right away. She was picking up on those things more now. She kept her eyes on his as she laid down and hoped he couldn't tell that she was struggling to keep her breathing even.

She almost startled when Mrs. Blaine took her wrists. She had honestly forgotten about her. The way the Commander's eyes seemed to be smiling at her was a little distracting. Especially since the man had never showed anything close to emotion during Ceremonies before. But June got herself under control. Well, mostly. She couldn't do much about how wet she was or the fact that she felt like electricity was surging through her veins in anticipation.

But finally, finally, he pressed inside of her. God, we should flirt more often. It felt incredible. She forced her eyes to stay open- made herself keep a neutral expression. But she was dying inside. He pulled out slowly and June met his eyes. It was a mistake. A big mistake. All the mistakes.

Because, damn

There was this edge of wildness in his eyes as he looked at her. Hell, she was losing it at the fact that he was looking at her. And then he pressed back in and she saw his jaw clench. She was wrapped around him tight, she knew she was. She could feel him so perfectly against her walls. He blinked rapidly, lashes fluttering before he finally hit as far as he could go. Then he found a rhythm- a good one. It was not too fast, but not slower than usual. Mrs. Blaine wouldn't notice. But June did. And it was fucking fantastic.

His hips twisted at the end of each thrust and she clamped down around his cock every time he pulled back. Her hands were fisted tight and she was biting her tongue to keep quiet. It felt so good. Too good. Amazing. Suddenly her hips tipped up to meet the Commander's. She felt fire scorch under her veins, and her breathing hitched at the way his rhythm faltered mid-thrust. June's eyes darted up to see if Mrs. Blaine had seen. But the girl was staring at the same design on the duvet that she always seemed to find so interesting.

So June tilted her hips up again. And again, until she was subtly meeting his thrusts. Until her nerves were on the brink of overwhelming her. He isn't even using his hands. How the fuck? She watched a bead of sweat slide down the side of his neck as he fought to stay unaffected. She wanted to lick it. She wanted…

Fuck, she wanted.

And that thought…as her eyes locked on his- saw how they were burning for her-as he moved in and out of her just right. It was over. She couldn't have held back if she tried. She came-hard. Her thighs clamped around him, keeping him close, her stomach clenched tight, her fingers shook. Every nerve in her body seemed to be going off as pleasure burned through her- left her breathless and dizzy.

Then she felt it. Oh, God. Oh, sweet Jesus. The Commander came. For real. Not faked. And it was devastating to her equilibrium. His face lost all of its neutrality. The veins in his neck stood out, his eyes slammed shut, she could feel his breathing hitch, and she almost came again when he bit his lower lip- the one she desperately wanted to taste.

But the visible proof of his release lasted only three seconds. Then his face had returned to its carefully blank default. He pulled out slowly, as if he wasn't ready to be two separate entities again so soon. She understood- he wasn't even all the way out yet and she wanted him back in. But she kept still and quiet like she was supposed to.

Mrs. Blaine let go of her and June sat up carefully. She waited for the Commander to leave the room first. He stood at the table for a little longer than usual, but June didn't blame him. She didn't feel too steady yet either. Finally he turned back around. He nodded to Mrs. Blaine like he always did. Then he briefly caught June's eye. Her lips twitched up into a small smile and she watched his lips twitch in response.

As she walked back to her room, June couldn't help thinking that if this was the way their Ceremonies would be going from now on…

She didn't mind.


Things were different after the Ceremony. Mrs. Blaine stayed out a little longer in the garden each day. Or her visits with the other Wives would take more time than usual. She always had a perfectly reasonable excuse that no one questioned. Not that June cared. Because it worked out that Mrs. Blaine's longer visits meant that she had more time alone with the Commander.

June, you never learn. This is literally the reason you're a Handmaid- flirting with married men.

But she pushed that thought away. Like she pushed the thoughts of Luke away when they crept in- usually while she fingered herself to memories of the Commander coming. That image was seared into her brain. She saw it every time she closed her eyes for more than a second. It was driving her crazy how overactive her sex drive was suddenly. But she indulged in every ounce of desire because- well because it was her damn body and she could do what she wanted. At least behind her closed door.

It had been a week since the Ceremony and June was sitting in the kitchen. If Sarah had asked, June would have told her she wanted some fruit. But Sarah was out for the afternoon visiting the other Marthas. The front door opened and June sat up straighter in her chair. But the sound of women's heels on the hardwood floor had June sinking back into her chair.

Mrs. Blaine walked past the kitchen without even glancing inside. Her face was flushed and her hair wasn't as perfectly styled as it should have been after a visit. But June didn't say anything. Mostly because she didn't want to talk to the girl. Mrs. Blaine made her feel guilty- for too many reasons. So June sat and waited a little longer. Even though she wouldn't be able to talk to the Commander now, she still wanted to see him when he came in.

But she sat for another thirty minutes and he still hadn't come in yet. He should have. He always came in an hour before Sarah started supper. The back door opened and June turned around to see who it was. She must have looked anxious because Sarah paused in the door before actually stepping inside the house. Something small and heavy settled in the center of June's chest. And each minute that the Commander didn't come back it got bigger and heavier.

Something's wrong.

She told herself she was being paranoid- he just had extra paperwork that day. But she didn't believe it. Sarah had just finished dinner- the sun would be setting soon. That's when they heard it. It made June think of thunder. Then it made her think of the explosions she used to see in movies. She froze. So did Sarah. Then everything was chaos.

Guardians burst into the house.

Broken voices came through radios.

'Bomb at the Rachel and Bilhah Center…'

'Get the Commanders out…'

'Round up the Handmaids…'

'Commander Jones accounted for…'

'Do you have eyes on Waterford?'

'I don't see Blaine. Has anyone seen Commander Blaine?'

Somehow June and Sarah ended up in the sitting room with Mrs. Blaine. The radios were quiet. She didn't remember walking there. She didn't remember sitting down. But she must have. She did remember Guardian Michael coming in. She remembered him kneeling down in front of the Commander's wife. She remembered the nausea that crept up her throat as her mind started chanting that he was dead- that Guardian Michael had come to tell them the Commander was dead.

He's dead.

He's dead.

My Commander is dead.