Guardian Michael knelt in front of Mrs. Blaine. Static filled June's ears. This was it. This was when they told them that he was gone.

"…Handmaid- Ofglen…"

"…don't have more..."

"He's in surgery…"

June's mind grabbed that last part and held on tight.

Then they waited.


No one slept that night. Mrs. Blaine stayed in her chair in the sitting room all night. Sarah went back and forth to the kitchen bringing drinks and snacks. And June…June paced. By the time morning had come she could tell anyone exactly how many yellow flowers there were in the entire room. She knew that there was a scratch in the pane on the lower left side of the second window- it was two inches long. She knew so much useless information she was sick with it.

But she didn't know how Nick was.

She didn't know when in the night she had latched on to the name Mrs. Blaine kept praying for. But she knew it was the Commander's name. And she figured she could use it just this once-at least in the safety of her own mind. Nick Blaine, Commander. Nick Blaine, husband. Nick Blaine- Skittles not M&Ms.

June paused in her pacing. The sun was up, and her eyes felt like someone threw sand in them. She turned to see Sarah, stretched out on the loveseat, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. Mrs. Blaine was twisting the skirt of her dress- like she had the first day June got there. Had that really only been three months ago? It felt like another lifetime. Before the bombing felt like another lifetime.

Footsteps in the hall brought the three women's attention to the door. Guardian Michael stepped in and went to Mrs. Blaine. "Ma'am, he's out of surgery. The doctor says you can come see him now." June waited for Mrs. Blaine to jump up and go, but...she didn't. She just sat there…for a long time. "Mrs. Blaine?" The Guardian shot a worried glance around the room, eyes landing on June.

That was her cue. She left her spot by the window and went over to Mrs. Blaine. Reaching out, June gently took the girl's hands and pulled her out of the chair. "Mrs. Blaine?" The girl slowly shifted her eyes to meet June's. "We're going to go see Commander Blaine now, alright?" She watched as her words sunk in and the girl nodded. "Good. Let's go get changed and then we'll go." June looked at Sarah and the Martha nodded, stepping up to lead Mrs. Blaine out of the room. Guardian Michael left too.

Then, for the first time since the news, she was alone. Her chest was too tight. The room was too bright- almost white. She couldn't really hear anything other than this weird swooshing sound. And all she could think was that her Commander had been blown up. Her Commander had been in surgery all night. Her Commander- June's- she had almost lost him.

And he wasn't even hers to lose.


None of them noticed the first three days. She and Sarah were just trying to keep the house running. They couldn't think of much more than that. And Mrs. Blaine- she was like a zombie. Or a ghost. And she was under a lot of pressure- more than she was ready for.

So they brushed it aside when she rushed to the bathroom after breakfast that first morning. And they said it was stress when she threw up everything she had eaten the second night. But the third morning- when Sarah found her, face pressed to the toilet- they couldn't ignore it anymore. And only June knew that it might be more than stress or a stomach bug.

Finding a way to approach a potentially pregnant teenager had never been something June thought she'd have to do. Thinking of a way to tell said teenager she knew about her illegal, punishable-by-death relationship wasn't any easier. But June figured that there was no time for subtle with this conversation. And gentle could come later- after they knew.

So she waited until Sarah was gone to the market and headed to Mrs. Blaine's bedroom. It was odd going in that room when there was no Ceremony about to happen. June felt an inappropriate rush of warmth as she looked to the bed that the Commander had made her fall apart on. Then she felt guilt, because the man's wife was lying on said bed and had no clue. She pushed those thoughts away. Far away- galaxies away.

"Mrs. Blaine?" the girl rolled over slowly. June had to work to keep her face neutral. The girl looked awful- pale and sweaty, like the first whiff of anything resembling food would send her running to the toilet. "Mrs. Blaine, I think we should talk..." Mary Poppins, give me strength. "About Guardian Isaac."

It was like someone had trampled all the flowers in her garden. Mrs. Blaine's entire face fell. Then her eyes went so wide June wasn't sure it was healthy. But the fear in them was. It meant she knew how badly she had messed up- that she wasn't completely lost in a haze of endorphins. She watched the girl struggle to sit up. "How did you find out?"

For the first time since she met her, June heard an edge of anger in Mrs. Blaine's voice. The first sign that she wasn't the perfect innocent little girl that everyone saw when they looked at her. June took in a calming breath. "I saw you. In the greenhouse." Somehow Mrs. Blaine got paler. "Have you…consummated…your relationship with him?" Her expression said yes, even as she shook her head no. June raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

"You can't tell anyone. I don't want anything to happen to Isaac."

Noble. So fucking noble. And completely impossible if what June was thinking turned out to be true. Because a person can only hide a pregnancy for so long. Eventually babies show up. June moved to the bed and sat down. It was beyond forward. No other wife would tolerate such insubordination. But June didn't have time for that. She took a deep breath. "Do you think that maybe you could be pregnant?" Okay, no one should look that pale and still be alive.

June watched as Mrs. Blaine pulled her covers over her head.

Fuck.


Sneaking out of the house was easier than June thought it would be. Finding a black market pregnancy test was almost a walk in the park. But getting Alma to introduce her to her Mayday connections- that was nearly impossible. Especially since she had been trying to get June involved for over a month. She hadn't planned on asking. She had almost forgotten about Mayday with everything else going on. Escaping Gilead was never far from June's thoughts, but it was hard to imagine a group trying to help people get out. And maybe it was the 'Aunt Lydia Effect', but June was too paranoid to trust these mysterious people's good intentions.

But when Alma led her to the back of the grocer's to trade for a pregnancy test, June knew. She wanted to meet these people. She wanted to figure out what they really stood for. And maybe they really would help her get out. Maybe they could really bring Gilead down. So the entire walk back to the Blaine's June had tried to convince Alma.

And she had tried the next day…and the next…and the next after that.

She had a feeling it was a test- to see how invested June really was. But finally Alma agreed. And June had no doubt it was just to shut her up. Either way she'd take what she could get. And right now that was a meeting with a few low level members of Mayday. They agreed to meet twenty minutes earlier for shopping the next day. They would go to the meet point for the group and then do their shopping after. And in theory it sounded like an easy enough plan. It wasn't. Because no one could trust anyone in Gilead. Because the Eyes were always watching. Because Sarah knew how long June- Ofnicholas- should be gone.

There were so many risks. So many ways the whole thing could go wrong. And they had all played in June's mind as she laid in her bed the night before. They had run like the credits of a movie during breakfast and while Sarah cleaned the house. Images of bodies on the wall flashed behind her eyes as she and Mrs. Blaine waited for the results of an illegal pregnancy test.

But she still went. After Mrs. Blaine read 'Negative', after Sarah reminded her to get walnuts- she went. It was a tense walk- a silent walk. Alma seemed so calm, so sure of her every step. June, on the other hand, was sure that she would trip and land on her face. She just knew that her nervousness was on display for any Eye to see. The whole walk just fucked with her head.

Finally they made it, though. And June was almost more bothered by that. Because when she walked in there were no familiar faces. The only Handmaids were her and Alma. Two Marthas she'd never seen before sat together along the back wall in a room off the butcher's freezer. A group of men- one wearing a delivery uniform- stood along another wall. And finally a Guardian- dressed in all black, gun and radio attached to his belt.

"Alma, good to see you," one of the Marthas said. But June had spent enough time around human females to recognize how unhappy the woman was to see either of them. The death glare that was trained on June might have tipped her off, too. "And is this the 'friend' you mentioned before?"

To her credit- and June's serious admiration- Alma didn't even blink at the tone. She ignored the Martha completely, turning to the Guardian instead. "She's good. Knows how to keep secrets. She's smart, and we need a local." June watched the man's face as he took in what Alma had said. "Besides, we can always remove the threat if it comes to that."

June whipped around to face Alma shock and anger definitely obvious on her face. But the Guardian spoke before she could curse this bitch out for practically threatening to kill her. "Fine. Trial run. No sensitive information until she's proven herself." June shot one more dirty look Alma's way before turning back to the room at large.

Then it was time for business. Introductions were made. She found out vaguely what each of the men did and how it helped the cause. The Marthas mostly kept quiet, but June knew that they were important- maybe even more then the men in the room. The Guardian- Rick- explained how their branch of Mayday worked and that their goal was to get as many children out first as they could before moving on to Handmaids.

It would be a slow process- a long con, for sure. But June could feel herself getting excited. She could feel the thing with feathers fluttering in her chest the more she listened. Finally the meeting ended. It had taken longer than she thought, but when she asked Alma explained that it was because a lot had happened since the bombing. It made sense. A lot had changed since the bombing. Marthas and Handmaids were under even closer watch than before. It was even mandatory for passes to be pinned to their cloaks now instead of being kept in pockets.

No one wanted another incident like the Rachel and Bilhah Center.

She and Alma left first and made their way to the market to get the few things on their shopping lists. They didn't speak. They didn't look at each other. It was as if they were complete strangers- no secret meetings or underground resistance connecting them. Everything was like it always was.

But she still felt that flutter…the thing with feathers in her chest.

Hope.


Mrs. Blaine took her to the hospital the next day. It was the first time she had seen the Commander since the bombing seven days prior. He was sleeping- the drugs kept him under. But June didn't care. He looked…soft when he slept. Like nothing bad could happen to him. Which was obviously not true given the cuts and bruises on his face and neck, his arms and hands.

The first time they had gone, June had been more worried about Mrs. Blaine. She had been practically catatonic after Nick got out of surgery. It had taken both her and Sarah to get her dressed and presentable and to the hospital. And it was almost impossible for them to get her to go into his room. But for the five minutes that the doctors allowed her and Sarah to stay before sending them back home, June had gotten maybe one or two glimpses of the Commander.

The visit with Mrs. Blaine didn't last much longer for June. She was only in the room for maybe ten minutes before Mrs. Blaine asked her to step out. She had, of course, finding a seat in the small waiting room. She made herself sit still. She didn't fidget with her fingers or toy with her skirt like she wanted to. She behaved the way Aunt Lydia had taught her to- like a meek servant of God.

Another ten minutes passed before the door to Commander Blaine's room opened and his wife slipped out. June stood and fell into step beside her mistress. "Are you alright?" She hated herself for asking. She didn't really want to know the answer. But the words were out there now.

Mrs. Blaine turned her head slightly, just barely looking at June before turning away again. "I'm fine, thank you." But there was a shaky quality to her voice that said she wasn't fine at all. Of course June didn't ask. It would be impertinent to pry into Mrs. Blaine's personal feelings. I'm pretty sure Aunt Lydia said something like that once, right?

Okay, she didn't, but June was still going with it.

They reached the car and Mrs. Blaine asked for the divider to be raised. Which she never did. Ever. Fuck. They hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot before she turned to June and started. "Do you think God is punishing me? For my sins?" June tensed in her seat. This was not the conversation for her to be a part of. "I never wanted the Commander to be hurt. I never wanted anything bad to happen to him. But do you think God allowed it to teach me a lesson? Because I was ungrateful- because I broke my vows?"

June really shouldn't have been having this conversation. Because if God was punishing Eden by blowing up her husband, had he been punishing her for Luke by making her a Handmaid- a widow? She shook the thought away. "I don't think God works that way." Which…was true. Old Testament had been a bit crazy, but for the most part June thought God was pretty against pettiness and vindictiveness. It was people who always found a way to fuck things up. "I think God tries to protect us from ourselves, and we just…find ways to mess up anyway."

She watched Eden work through what she had just said. Please let this be the end of this conversation. The Commander's wife settled into her seat and looked out the window. The tension June had been trying to hide, slipped away.

Then it came right back.

"I love Guardian Isaac." Four words and June's peaceful ride was over once more. She nodded slowly. "I know I shouldn't, but… I always thought that God would want us to be happy. I thought that He would give me a husband who loved me and who I loved. That we would have a family and be an example to others of how God blesses when you're faithful to His will."

This girl is so…naïve. June tried to think of something to say. Something that wouldn't sound like the heresy it probably was. Finally she said, "I think God gives us choices. And what we do with those choices is up to us." She thought about this thing between her and the Commander. She thought about the choices that led her and Luke to that hotel the first time. How she doesn't regret either of those choices. "Sometimes we know what we're doing might not be right, but isn't it better to make the wrong choice for yourself than to make the right choice because there's no other option? It doesn't have to mean that God can't bless the mistake."

And she believed that. Because Luke- for as long as she had him- had been the best part of her life. And this thing with the Commander- no matter where it led to- it was keeping her sane. Keeping her human. Being with Luke had been worth it. And getting to know the Commander- the man Gilead didn't see- was worth the risks in her mind, too.

Eden was quiet for a long moment, then, "So, you think it's okay that I love Isaac?"

June felt a sad smile form as she said, "You have to grab love wherever you can find it, I think."


The Commander came home five days later. Almost two weeks after the bombing. June thought it was too soon. But she didn't get an opinion. Eden turned into a restless ball of worry. She hovered over the Commander like he was halfway in the grave and not on the way to a full recovery. It was exhausting and June was just watching.

Luckily, Mrs. Blaine didn't hover at night. Night shift was Sarah's and after the first two nights, the Commander insisted- testily, according to Sarah- that she didn't need to stay with him. So she didn't. And somehow in June's brain that meant she should go to his room at night. Dumb ideas were always her forte, apparently. So June ended up in the chair beside the Commander's bed each night. They would talk (okay, flirt) sometimes. When his meds didn't make him too tired they would play half-assed games of poker or Go Fish. It was nice. It felt like they didn't have to worry about anyone walking in and catching them. They still did, though- just less.

He held her hand for the first time during one of those nights. June wasn't even sure how it happened. One minute she had been kicking his ass in poker and the next his fingers were curled around hers. She would not admit to feeling butterflies in her stomach because #cliché. And she refused to consider the look in his eyes anything other than the effect of seriously strong drugs.

Except she had seen a hint of that intensity in his eyes before the bombing.

Nope. Doesn't matter. Not going there. Too late, she was already there. And she liked that look. She actively tried to do and say things to make that look show up. Like telling terrible, slightly sexually inappropriate jokes. Or, you know, tracing the veins in his hand with her fingers. Which was definitely breaking some rules. But no one was there to yell at her about it so…

She climbed onto the bed with him after he'd been back for almost a week. He could sit up more easily and he was on less medication. So she probably should have been distancing herself. But he had asked her to read to him for a little while. It was the first time he had ever asked her to do anything illegal. Everything else they had done- it was frowned upon, could get her in very real trouble, but not illegal.

He had caught himself immediately- backtracked so hard she almost felt sorry for him. But she had already grabbed the book. She wanted to read. She missed reading. So she had picked up the book from the bedside table and then crawled onto the bed to sit next to him. The book wasn't that interesting-she didn't even remember the title. But it was a book and she was reading it and that was all that mattered.

She fell asleep next to him two nights later. The day had been busy. Sarah was sick so her chores fell to June that day on top of June's usual work. But she didn't complain. And when she went to the Commander's room that night she felt highly energized. So falling asleep before she had finished one chapter of the book they were reading had not been the plan.

She hadn't expected him to let her sleep. And she hadn't expected to wake up with her leg thrown over his and her hand resting on his stomach. She hadn't planned on enjoying the feeling of his fingers gliding up and down her arm. But once she had, it was something she wanted to feel again on a primal level. She liked how low and rough his voice was when he was tired. She liked how safe she felt with him beside her. She liked it more than she should have. But she didn't stop going back every night.

And she was glad she didn't because then she wouldn't know what it was like to kiss him.

And that would be a tragedy.