I'm back with this story! Thank you to all my reviewers, I got so many I'm just so happy! Thank you to: xXMiss Alec VolturiXx, guest, DaniGB, NatRose17, Anastasia Ellis, Veerbeer, Grahamgirl93, Royan Granger-Nott, Chantal9, jamaiscredule, FreyaWrackspurt, Elizabeththelast, Kotodashi Kyoshi, and guest!

Guest: I'm glad to hear that! Sorry I can't be more clear about how frequently updates will come. My muse is a fickle person.


Hermione's Paris Flat; 2004


Back in her apartment, Hermione stumbled into the bathroom. She felt like crying. She didn't know for what though. Joy? Shock? Anger? Sadness?

You cry when you're overwhelmed, she felt the gentle voice of her subconscious remind her, and right now you're a mess.

She gripped the sink's edge, staring at her reflection. At her lips, red and swollen from where Theo's teeth had nipped in playful affection. She touched her hair, almost completely out of the elastic holder she'd snapped on this morning, tugged to look like she'd been in a thunderstorm. She looked down at her knuckles and her arms shaking, realizing with a jolt of horror she'd left all those new books she'd bought on the sidewalk.

As she dabbed her face with a towel, trying to sift through the whirlwind of emotions, she realized that she'd also apparated in the middle of muggle Paris where anyone could have- and likely did- see her.

She groaned; the last thing she needed was France's Wizarding Minister to come knocking at her door with an indictment.

Hermione slumped into her bed, curling onto the mattress.

"Theo kissed you." She whispered as she pulled the blankets halfheartedly over her figure, "No, you kissed him and he kissed back."

She pressed her hands into her eye sockets.

She was dating Ron.

Merlin above, she'd just cheated on him! She'd hadn't even shoved Theo away. It's like her brain had stopped working and she let herself believe in this wild fantasy she'd thought about countless times before.

That's all it could be for her, a fantasy. Not when she was in a loving relationship and smarter than this! Not when she was pretty sure Ron was going to propose soon, not when her life seemed to be going exactly how she'd planned it to. Hermione bit back bile.

She'd just ruined everything.

And how dare Theo? How dare he say those things to her now, out of all the other times he could have? She could count more time than she had fingers on her hand moments where she felt like she was begging him to speak up, to reveal his feelings. The times she was looking for a sign and he never gave her one. Now, when she was finally content with Ron, he decides to go and fuck it up? The absolute gall of that Slytherin, she decided, properly affronted.

She chewed on her nails.

There were two options. She could tell Ron and hope for the best or she could never tell him, knowing that it was unlikely Theodore would ever confront him.

"Or you could break up with Ron," Hermione felt herself mumbling, a third option she was trying not to think about. Which was a ludicrous solution. Not even an option, really.

She'd been dating Ron seven years. To throw away what felt like most of her life would be quite foolish, not when she knew he loved her and she loved him. Merlin, she did! She loved Ron the way that embers felt like. It wasn't flaming, but it was steady and always warm, always underneath everything.

She wished it were easier. She wished she didn't love Ron anymore, that they had been going their separate ways for a while now.

And that's the trouble, wasn't it? There had been times, more times than she could rightfully recall right now when if Theo had done what he just did to her, she'd gleefully drop everything and leave Ron because things had been worse.

But, like any good couple, she and Ron had worked through their issues. Every time that Hermione had a problem with his attitude or that he called her something nasty or that she shut him out, they talked about it. The Ron that she had met at Hogwarts was eons above the Ron that she knew now, a much better adjusted human in many ways.

When Ron and she were together, it was good. So good. Ron made her laugh, Ron loved her despite her issues (she wasn't perfect, she knew this), Ron would care for her always.

After seven years, Hermione- who always liked a plan- had made one. She'd made a trajectory of her life that seemed infallible and unshakeable. It went simply; marry Ron, have one or two kids, get a job at Hogwarts, be happy.

Seven years of her life, Merlin.

If she took Ron away, what was left?

Well, a lot, she knew. She had her friends (though, many of their friends were in the same group, so that would be awkward), she had her job and her hobbies, she probably had Theo…

Did she really want to throw something steady and great away for the whisper of a possibility?

Theo had expressed a long-standing crush on her. Maybe he didn't believe in marriage or children. Maybe they weren't as compatible in the long run, feelings aside.

Maybe, and Hermione has considered this many times, she was deeply in love with the idea of Theodore Nott as compared to the actual person.

And, if she did, how fair would that be to Ron? That he was always a consolation prize or something, a second pick because Theo wasn't available? Sure, she wasn't forced to stay with someone, but the idea of just tossing Ron aside made her feel ill all over again.

And Ron's family? What would they say if they knew?

Because Hermione's own family was possibly lost to Australia and her memory charms, she'd begun to lean heavily into Ron's family, anticipating the joining of it one day. She loved Ron's older brothers like they were her brothers. Molly was like her mum, Arthur like her dad. They'd never forgive her!

No more Sunday Brunches at the Burrow, no more Aunt Hermione from Bill and Percy's kids, no more of the little hobbled-together family she'd carved out for herself. She was sure that they wouldn't drop her immediately (well, most, Molly she couldn't be sure) but it would never be the same again.

And then, what if she dumped Ron for Theo, they did date, but it didn't work out anyway? What if she left this more alone than ever before? What if she found herself five or ten years down the line, a spinster, wishing she hadn't been so overcome by a schoolgirl's crush when Theo passed her way. What if Ron moved on…

Ron marrying someone else tugged at her heartstrings.

Imagining Theo marrying someone that wasn't her seemed to hurt even more.

This was impossible. A Gordian knot of epic proportions. A riddle with no answer. A situation that was only going to leave most people heartbroken.

Either way, someone was going to be hurt.

Hermione had tried to live her life after the war without hurting others. She'd done too much of that when she was in school.

This was going to break that, wasn't it? Ron or Theo would be heartbroken, not to mention the collateral damage of the friends of Hermione on the fringes. It seemed that after that one moment in the streets of Paris, Ron's likelihood of ending up hurting was growing stronger and stronger.

And what about Hermione?

There was no solution now where she got what she wanted. She was being torn in two. No matter what she chooses, she'd always be wondering about the other.

She didn't usually allow herself such moments of fragile weakness, but Hermione cried until her eyes grew tired and she slipped into sleep, hoping when she woke things would be better.

XX

"Hermione!"

She snapped her eyes awake. It took a moment for her to look at her surroundings and recall the events. Her heart thudded and her throat constricted.

"Hermione, Merlin, are you okay?"

Hermione blearily looked up at Hannah, standing above her, concern knitting on her face. Hannah pushed a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear as she knelt down.

"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked, her throat dry and croaky.

"We were supposed to meet to help me start packing," Hannah said, "But you never showed. And I called via Floo like eighty times."

"Oh," Hermione responded, feeling even more awful. Her own issues had been so overwhelming that she'd forgotten about Hannah!

Apart from Ron and Harry, Hannah was the only other person who had a key to her apartment.

Their friendship had been an unexpected one. During their last year at Hogwarts, when Hermione had begun to stray from Harry and Ron she'd found herself rather friendless. The trio would always share something uniquely special, but they all seemed to want to branch out in different ways. Or perhaps it was instinctual. Hermione wasn't sure.

Hannah was a face she began to see in her classes regularly. It wasn't long before the two were giggling in the halls, studying together and swapping secrets. Hannah was, undoubtedly, her dearest friend. She trusted Hannah in a way she wasn't sure she trusted Ron or Harry anymore.

Hannah was the sole person who knew of her deep, endless longing for Theo. She always got a pinched, a concerned look on her face, but she'd never judged Hermione. She always just listened. And sometimes, Hermione just needed someone to talk to.

"Hannah," Hermione hiccuped, "I've done something terrible."

For as much as she loved Hannah like a sister, she could not admit her folly, The words would not come out. She tried to vocalize it, but it just got stuck in the back of her throat.

"Do you want to tell me right now?" Hannah asked, staring at Hermione. Hermione managed to shake her head, bringing her hand in front of her face and holding back ugly sobs.

Hannah stood, arms crossed, biting her lip as she stared down.

"Okay," She finally conceded. "Okay."

Hermione watched as Hannah flung open Hermione's wardrobe and began to dig. Hermione raised herself into a sitting position only to be pelted by a sequined garment.

"Dress," Hannah commanded.

"This is a little fancy to pack dishware, isn't it?" Hermione asked. It hurt her heart to know that Hannah would be moving back to England soon, with her newly-minted husband Neville, but Hermione was going to be a good friend and help her back. The thought that Hannah wouldn't just be a Floo away was going to be difficult, especially after...well after this. It was hard to be chipper about Hannah moving, but Hermione would shoulder it.

"It's 9 P.M. I don't want to touch another piece of bubble wrap," Hannah said, flexing her fingers. "We're going out. Even if you don't want to tell me, you need a drink or two. And I feel like I need one in preparation." She added as an after-thought. She rifled through Hermione's closet some more until she procured a slightly fancier top than the t-shirt she had one. Hermione balled her own assigned clothes in her arms as Hannah changed in front of her, poofing her hair in the mirror. She looked at Hermione through the back of the mirror.

"Well, go on!"

Hermione slipped into the bathroom and changed.

Twenty minutes later they found themselves at one of their favorite muggle watering holes. Hermione felt like she was on a live-wire, her eyes dancing to the door, hoping to see Theo but dreading the possibility she could.

Hannah waved two fingers to the bartender and came back with shot glasses, which was unexpected. Hermione had been thinking it would be a mixed drink.

"Are you trying to get me drunk enough to tell you or drunk enough that I forget what I did?"

"Both?"

Hermione winced, picking up the glass. She clinked it with Hannah, downing it at once. The burn from the alcohol tasted better than the bitter taste from the truth that clung to her insides, eating her away.

"Okay, you gotta give me something. It's not...illegal is it?" Hannah's face turned ashy, "You didn't kill someone?"

"Is that really such a concern?" Hermione asked, clacking her lips, "Great Godric, Hannah!"

"Well, how am I to know?" Hannah threw her hands out.

"No, no," Hermione slid her empty shot glass on the table, closing her eyes as she tried not to think back to the moment that was replying on her brain over and over and over, "Not illegal. Just shitty."

"Was it your fault?"

"Mhh, yeah."

"Was it something you'd usually do?" Hannah said.

"No," Hermione whispered, feeling small, "I wasn't thinking, but that's no excuse." Hermione swallowed hard, "Twenty questions are done. I need another shot or a drink and we need to talk about something else," She forced a bright smile, "I'll go get us something and then I want you to tell me all about the cottage you and Nev picked."

Hermione knew that Hannah knew it was a distraction from the real issue, but like a good sport and better friend, she spent the next two hours describing in minuscule detail the perfect and fairy-tale abode that she and Neville were going to call home in a short few weeks. She talked about the gardens outside, the kitchen that looked out onto a field, the bedroom that felt like it was tucked away in a tree-house.

Hannah talked about how they were arguing about what color to paint the walls in the mudroom, about the adorable pillows that Mrs. Weasley had knitted them for their wedding gift, and about how they were going to put up portraits of those who had died in the final battle on their walls as a reminder that they were so lucky.

It took Hermione's mind off the issue, or that may have been the alcohol. All Hermione knew was that it was a blissful two hours in which she was not plagued with guilt and indecision.

By the time Hermione and Hannah popped back to her flat, Hermione was feeling lighter and better already.

That is until they got home and Ron tried calling via Floo, as he often did at night to say that he loved Hermione and ask about her day. Their long-distance relationship right now was not without its trials, but they made it work.

Hermione saw the fire burn and turned sharply into the bathroom.

"I can't...I can't…" She muttered as fear and horror washed over her. She turned to see Hannah examining the unanswered floo and Hermione's face with a sort of dawning. Perhaps not a full understanding, but a better idea.

Hermione closed the door to the bathroom, knowing that this wasn't something she could put off to infinity. But she could put it off tonight. If she talked to Ron...Merlin, it would all come out. Her choice would likely be made for her.

Hermione hated feeling out of control.

From the other room, she heard Hannah answer. Hannah's dulcet and kind voice was muffled, though she could tell that Hannah was coming up with some simple excuse, and she heard that she promised to Ron that Hermione would call him tomorrow. Then, after she ended the conversation, there was a pause in which it seemed Hannah was contemplating what to do next. Hermione listened to her socked feet slide across the floor.

"Mi?" Hannah asked, knocking lightly on the door, "I think, maybe, you need to tell me."

Hermione gathered herself. She opened the door, shaking her head. She wiped her thumb across her cheek, looking at her watery mascara.

"I ran into Theo," She whispered, "And I kissed him. I kissed him a lot, Hannah. And I bloody enjoyed it."


I know that everyone wants Hermione to just leave Ron and get with Theo, but that would be far too easy, wouldn't it? While I'm all for some good Ron bashing on occasion, I never set out to have that story be like this. I wanted the choice to be difficult. I wanted Ron to actually be a pretty great guy that really loves Hermione and all, so that there is something more. So, we still have a very long road ahead of us, all!

Admittedly, this chapter was a lot of Hermione's introspection. However, I think it was necessary to see how Hermione's brain was working through this and all. We'll get some of Theo's thoughts later, no fear!