Thank you to my reviewers: FreyaWrackspurt, xXMizz Alec VolturiXx, viola1701e, Aetzfeder, sophiecambellbower, krankykittie, and LoveNCIS!
Hermione's Paris Flat; 2004 (Part 2)
"Hey, Nev...yeah, I gotta stay here tonight. Sorry luv, I know you were expecting me."
Hermione watched Hannah numbly from her couch on the floo, smiling brightly at Neville's imprint in the dust, her smile just a tad bit forced.
" Everything all right? Hermione's okay, isn't she?" Neville's concern broke Hermione. He shouldn't be so concerned. He should hate her (even if he didn't know). Hermione didn't deserve such a kind, that soft tone from him. Ron was one of his best mates, great Merlin!
"She's…" Hannah looked back, playing with her braided hair. Hermione could see the indecision flash across her face, the uncertainty as she licked her lips, staring at Hermione. Not like Hermione was a villain, which Hermione half-way expected, but more like Neville's pet toad had died. Mournful.
To say that everything was all right was a colossal lie. This was not alright. Nothing about the situation was all right. Hannah wasn't someone so accustomed to lying.
"Hermione's not dead," Hannah finally said, "As we sort of feared. But there's just something I need to work on here."
It was a clever skirting of the truth. Something she was surprised Hannah had the capability for at all. Even as Hannah spoke, though, it was clear to Hermione she did not enjoy the truths she withheld.
" Okay, if you need to. Love you Hans."
"Love you to, Nev. I'll see you tomorrow."
The floo Powder call drifted back into the basin.
"You shouldn't...you don't…" Hermione croaked out, "Neville can…" She broke off, staring at her hands.
"No, not yet."
"I don't think he'd tell anyone," Hermione murmured, thinking of how loyal Neville was. Which just made her think of Ron's loyalty to her and that made her feel awful all over again.
"That's not my concern," Hannah's voice was tight. Hermione could try she was attempting very hard not to judge Hermione, to yell at her, to condemn her. Hannah was a kind person at the best of times, but she did not stand for cheating.
Hermione used to think that was true of herself too.
Hannah sighed, flopping down to sit next to Hermione. She gave her a sad, apologetic smile, linking her fingers in Hermione's. She gave a gentle squeeze.
"Hannah-,"
"You are my best mate, Hermione," Hannah said quietly, "And I would never think any less of you. Even this. You saw me at some of my worst 8th year at Hogwarts, and I know that you're not going around snogging multiple wizards all over London. It's not like this is a character trait of yours. Though if it was, I'd still love you."
Hermione struggled not to cry, and her voice broke, "Thanks."
She wasn't sure if she believed Hannah when the blonde said she was not judging Hermione. Hannah was a better liar than she recalled, or maybe, she was genuine. On one hand, Hufflepuffs valued loyalty, so this had to be breaking all of her usual standards. Then again, perhaps it was not loyalty in itself, but loyalty to people that was the cornerstone?
"Hermione."
Hermione looked down. She'd been on a tangent in her mind, an easy way to distract herself from the issue at hand. It was something Hannah knew her to do often, a protective technique.
"It's still wrong," Hannah said after a long moment, "It's still wrong." She repeated quieter, as though shocked she said it.
Hermione burrowed into the seat, scowling, "I know."
"I know that you know." Hannah agreed, "Or else you wouldn't be half wasted right now."
Hermione winced, "Will you tell Ron?"
Would she feel compelled? Was it something she thought that he had to know? Would she be able to look at him and keep the knowledge inside of her that Hermione Granger had snogged someone else?
"Are you going to?" Hannah asked, raising an eyebrow. When Hermione took a beat too long to answer, she quirked her lips, "No, no. It's not my place. All gossip eventually comes out, but I will have nothing to do with spreading it. Even if they are true."
"I'm…" Hermione licked her lips, "I don't think I am. He doesn't need to find out, you know? Things can still continue on, perfectly. Plus, it's not as though he's perfect. I mean, I've caught him staring at other girl's arses before." She said, as though these two things were even on the same plane of existence with one another. Hannah gave just a quiet 'hmm'.
"I'd tell him if I were leaving him for Theo."
"You're not?" Despite Hannah's best attempts to seem impartial, this squeaked it's way out without stopping. She slapped her hand over her mouth. Hermione stared her down, until she let out a quiet, "You've been halfway in love for years ."
"But it feels cheap like this, doesn't it?" Hermione said though she wasn't sure who she was convincing, "I mean, to happen in this way. We could have...before...and it just seems so...he didn't step back either, and he knows I'm dating Ron. We had just been talking about it!" She was suddenly furious with Theo, as though she herself were not part of this screw-up at all.
"But…" Hannah sighed, staring hard at her, "Maybe. Yeah."
"I think I can live just knowing that I wasn't crazy. That Theo did, does, like me back. That in itself will satisfy me," Hermione continued, "Because Ron and I are so close to the finish line so it seems stupid that I would throw it away now, for what? I mean, for all I know, Theo could be going around kissing old classmates frequently! And I'd be throwing away my future with Ron over this?" Hermione gave a firm shake of her head but was less sure by the third time she was making the motion.
She got up, going and fetching a glass of water. Her head was pounding. She blamed alcohol. She drank three whole glasses in the doorway of her kitchen.
"I don't have to decide tonight, do I?" She asked in a small voice.
"No," Hannah drew out the word, "But, well, shouldn't you soon? It would be cruel to lead Ron on."
Hermione knew this to be true.
"You're Hermione Granger." Hannah suddenly stood.
"Yes?" Hermione narrowed her eyes, wondering if there were amnesia powder wafting through the air.
"Well, do what Hermione Granger does," Hannah said, "And make a list. Pros and cons." She practically threw the parchment and ink at Hermione.
"You want me to do a chart? Like I'd make while deciding if I should buy a beige or a red couch for my apartment?" She asked.
"Well," Hannah settled onto the very obviously bright red couch, "Had it helped?"
"That wasn't...I didn't…" Hermione floundered, "If I chose wrong between those two it would be just a quick return. Or, I'd just live with a slightly off-color couch in my house. Men aren't furniture."
"No, of course," Hannah snorted, "But it will be worse if you don't make this choice without considering what you're giving up in each. You're lucky that right now you even get a choice, you know."
"Do I?" Hermione asked in a quiet tone, "Do I get that option, after what I've done? Does Theo ever want something…" Hermione licked her lips, "This is a chance. This is me questioning not between Theo and Ron, but between Ron and...uncertainty."
Hermione rubbed her hands on her pants. She'd never much liked uncertainty before. She liked knowing what she was facing and studying.
Still, it felt important she made this distinction. Her and Theo had shared one kiss together and nothing else discussed. One kiss was not a declaration of wanting to date someone, nor pursue anything serious.
What she really had to ask herself is if she were happy enough with Ron, knowing there were others out there. It might be Theo, it might not. She could stay with Ron who was steady and unmoving and so loyally in love with her. She never doubted Ron's love, not for a second. This had never been a question in all the fights they'd had.
Or, would she gamble that there was just simply more out there? A fuller life? A fuller romance? Something more fitting, instead of Hermione trying to fit her square-shaped love into a circle-shaped hole, as that's how sometimes it felt?
Without realizing it, her mind had already begun to write the two columns. It seemed silly not to formally write it out at this point.
Hannah drank wine while she supplied Hermione with water. Hermione ended up filling a full parchment, and then another. She scratched and dotted and scrawled. Her hands were stained with the ink she had on hand, a starry blue shade, and her smudged fingerprints dotted her cheek and lip as she paused to think, dragging her digits along her face.
Hannah eventually found something else to do; making some sugary treats in Hermine's kitchen. Just having her there, the moral support, felt nice. On occasion, Hermione would wander in to ask Hannah something, such as;
"Do you think it's stupid to be putting stock in Ron's family on the 'pro's?" Hermione wondered out loud, "I mean, I'm not dating the Weasleys, I'm dating Ron."
"I think," Hannah said, mixing her batter, "If they were a bad family, you wouldn't hesitate to put them on the 'con's side. It's something to consider. And they are a family to you, though I don't think you'd lose them if you and Ron broke up," She said with a smile, "You've been part of their family far longer than you've been Ron's girlfriend."
"Yeah, but," Hermione gnawed. True, Ginny and the twins wouldn't stop talking to her, nor would Bill. She really never saw Charlie and Percy were so hard to read as it was. In a sense, it was knowing she would lose Mrs. Weasley. At the worst of times, she was protective of Ron to extremes, as shown in her earlier years. But why shouldn't she?
In truth, it wasn't as much the siblings Hermione feared losing, but that maternal and paternal figures.
Her parents would likely never regain their memory, so Hermione had to live with that. Still, thousand times over, she'd prefer this route. If she let them stay in England and they were killed while she did nothing, she would have never forgiven herself.
By the time Hannah had finished baking, Hermione was nearly done. She had exhausted all points and the papers lay around her like snow.
"I don't feel like a Gryffindor," Hermione said quietly.
"Hmm?"
"I think I can't leave Ron," Hermione said quietly, "Not after everything. Not for some...whisper of something else, something that for all accounts could be worse. It's the safe route. So does that make me not really a Gryffindor?"
"You're Hermione," Hannah said, giving her a lemon-bar, "So...houses don't matter. I wouldn't choose to stay or leave someone due to my Hogwarts house," She scoffed, "Does it feel right to you?"
Hermione paused. She yawned. Then at the lemon bar, which was fantastic, per usual to Hannah's cooking.
"Let's go to bed. You should never make a choice without a full night's sleep," Hannah said, pulling Hermione into her bed, lying next to her. It felt like the nights at Hogwarts, where they'd comfort each other. Hermione had spent a few nights in the Hufflepuff girl's dorms, comforting Hannah, or allowing Hannah to comfort her.
"That's what I always say," Hermione mumbled.
"Words from a really wise person who will make the best choice for them," Hannah said, "Now, sleep."
Though usually Hermione tossed and turned, she felt like Hannah had put a spell upon her and she fell into slumber with little issue at all.
The morning light came and her head felt like someone had sent a stunner at her. And she knew this exact feeling quite specifically too. She groaned, getting up, her hands crunching on paper. She wondered why her bed was covered in parchment until she picked one up and read the contents.
Her pros and con lists, yes, of course.
Hannah was already making breakfast in her kitchen, rising with the sun, bright and cheery.
"Hungover?" She guessed, as though she didn't know.
"Very."
Hannah slid her a coffee and a plate of bacon. She didn't push or prod and let Hermione eat all, licking the bacon grease off her fingers. Hermione wiped off the ink from her face the best she could as Hannah found her wand and purse.
"Nev will be worried if I'm not back soon." Hannah said apologetically, "And possibly send some Aurors here."
"No, I've kept you for long enough," Hermione insisted, feeling a bit silly about this whole thing anyway.
Hannah nodded, kissing her cheeks. Just as Hannah was about to jump into the floo, Hermione made a noise. Hannah turned, head tilted.
"Ron. It's him. I just...I still think…" Hermione, usually so articulate, felt she was having trouble explaining, "I can't leave him."
"You don't need to explain anything to me," Hannah said sincerely, "I trust your judgment. More than anyone else's, you know that."
"Right. This was just a moment of a bad choice, you know? And it never had to happen." Yes, Ron wasn't perfect, but neither was Theo or any other person she'd meet. She liked the idea of him, the platonic idealism of theory, the untouched idealized version of him. She was stupid to think they wouldn't have their fights and issues too, so with that in mind, it seemed silly to be so worked up over it. She might be frustrated by the circular feeling of her arguments with Ron, but the grass probably wasn't greener elsewhere.
Hannah gave her a half-apologetic smile, "I won't tell him. But I won't lie for you, Hermione." Hermione wondered where the idea ever came from that Hufflepuffs let people walk all over them. Hannah was gentle but terrifyingly serious right now. Or perhaps the war had helped her grow her courage.
"If he ever has reason to ask, and asks me directly," Hannah blinked, "I can't be a liar."
"No, no," Hermione sighed, "If he has reason to doubt, well...then I should be able to handle the fallout."
"I think you'll be fine," Hannah said after a long moment, as though just finally deciding.
"Me or me and Ron?"
"You'll be fine," Hannah repeated, "I'll see you on Thursday. Don't make me come looking again!" She half-joked, half-threatened.
"Merlin, you won't," Hermione laughed, "Give Nev a kiss for me!"
As her fireplace glowed bright green, Hermione felt a sense of lightness in her chest. She gathered the papers and threw them into her regular fire-place, content with her own choice.
Theo and that whole affair had just been a fluke. She was silly to ever think otherwise.
