CHAPTER 6

Levi had been used to spending his college Thanksgiving days alone. Breaks never lined up correctly, and he never felt like it was worth it to make the long haul back home if only for a few days. He spent dinner in the dining rooms of kind hearted professors who opened up their homes to the students who were left behind, sitting around a table, sandwiched between two other students he knew nothing about. Gradually, he found himself getting put off by the smattering of random students—the occasional international student who was intrigued by the tradition and the eclectic bunch of winter time loners. After the first one, he decided that he felt better off spending the night alone. So the next year he locked himself in his room with a girl, smoking the room out, spending the entire night in a haze until he could barely distinguish the beginning of the night from the end.

So he couldn't remember the last time he had received an invitation to go home with someone for the holidays. Hanji and Erwin had become accustomed to him denying their offers, and after a while, he watched them begin to linger around campus as well. They chose to either spend it in their dorms, the surroundings, or decide to venture out to another city on the coast. But he guessed that was all before Petra was a part of the picture.

He followed her out of Penn Station, his duffle slung across his body, and somehow, he began to see the place differently, as if through the lens of her eyes. The station didn't look quite as dirty or crowded as it usually did, and when they took the escalator up to the streets, he welcomed the din of traffic and the city. Travelling with Petra made the mundane details feel less like a chore and more like aspects of the experience of going home for the holidays. Petra babbled on, almost mindlessly, and he was impressed by how many conversations she could produce and let fall from her tip of her tongue. His headphones hung lamely around his neck, becoming nothing more than decoration, as he chose to listen Petra talk instead as he followed her across Manhattan to her home.

They'd taken the train up Wednesday evening, leaving campus immediately after Petra finished her Urban Studies lecture—because, as she'd claimed, Professor Glenn's lectures were never worth missing. By the time they arrived on Petra's doorstep—a tall brownstone on the UES, a wreath made of plastic autumn leaves hanging from the door—the windows had a yellowish glow from behind the drapes, and Levi could hear laughter emanating from the warm house.

Petra unlocked the door with her keys, but before they stepped in, she briefed him quickly on everything she'd left out back on the train. "Aunt Rose is staying with us—she's the one with the grey but well coiffed hair. My parents, Peter and Emily, but I've already mentioned that—just double checking to make sure you remember—my sister is Elena, her fiancé is Tom." Petra scrutinized him quickly, then, as she continued to speak, brushed at some of the dust from travelling that had settled on him. He stiffened under her touch, and his heart did a funny little skip. He ignored it and tried hard to refocus on her voice. "A few family friends are here tonight, some of my childhood friends I mentioned are here too, the guys, but I'll introduce them inside. Just a little tradition, day before Thanksgiving friends are over. Fun." She removed her hands, smiling up at him, and he responded by not scowling. "Just try to be how you're not usually—which is reclusive and rude—and I'm sure they'll all love you."

"What's not to love about me," he asked, an eyebrow raised, and Petra laughed lightly, pushing open the door.

Levi followed Petra in tow as members of her family came excitedly to greet her, hug her, and begin to chat animatedly. He smiled, warmly accepting their hugs, handshakes, and playing the part of the guest. But it wasn't exactly hard in the Ral household, and the whole of her family was just as charming as Petra was normally. He spoke at length with her parents, joking drily and entertaining their questions about the school—"We really just hope that Petra's happy with the transfer," her mother said earnestly—and every so often, he could feel Petra watching him, clearly pleased with his performance.

She took him on a tour of the room, grabbing wine glasses for both of them, introducing him to various guests as she seamlessly transitioned from the homecoming to the hostess, laughing and joking with the family friends. So this is where she belongs, he thought quietly to himself. He sipped at his drink, watching entertained as she was so clearly in her element, simply being amongst other people. It made him feel a little out of place, being with her, but there was also another part of him that didn't want to push her away, but rather try and stay closer with her because of it. How they became friends, he doesn't know if he'll ever understand.

"You're doing great," she whispered to him once they were out of anyone else's earshot. "You've survived all the hard stuff, now let's just go say hi to my friends."

Walking through the crowd, Petra pointed them out, but they were hard to miss—a group of guys their age, huddled around in a corner, away from the well dressed and mild mannered adults of the room. "It's tradition," she explained briefly as she smiled, waving at them enthusiastically. "They're like family."

Levi watched as one of them swept Petra into his arms, swinging her around in a circle as the other guys laughed and began speaking to her. Petra offered quick introductions of each of them, explaining again to him how they'd practically grown up together—"Erd always used to make sure no one dared bother me," she said, laughing—and how Petra had attended college with Auruo for a bit before she'd transferred. They all seemed intrigued by Levi, and laughed at Petra's story about how she met him, much to his embarrassment, and though he was definitely enjoying their company, he felt obliged to split off from them when Petra's parents beckoned him to talk with them.

"Why do I feel like I've met him before?" Erd asked when he was out of earshot. They all glanced at Levi as he talked with her parents.

"In what world?" Petra asked, scoffing dismissively. "I will say, though, he's made quite a name for himself back at our school." She added, taking a sip from her wine glass.

Gunther looked at her curiously. "In what way?"

"Well," Petra explained. "He's something of a resident playboy. He sleeps around a lot, is detached and cold, throws girls away like they were an ad in the morning paper."

"Detached?" Gunther asked, eyes trained across the room. "Doesn't seem that way." He motioned towards him, and they turned back, all too conspicuously, and noted how he was conversing easily with her parents.

"Impressive then, Pet." Eld whispered excitedly. "Sounds like he sleeps and leaves. But you, he actually came home to meet your parents."

Petra laughed, brushing off his comment, her neck starting to prickle and feel hot as she sensed what he was getting at. She bristled under their expectant stares, waiting for her to say something about her and Levi. She could already imagine their eager questions, the comments they would have. And if it was so easy her for her to imagine all of this, to imagine herself answering these questions, she wondered why she kept trying to push these thoughts away. Petra swallowed, her saliva thick, and she forced a smile.

"We're… not dating."

The three stared at her shocked as her cheeks became a light shade of pink. The prickling sensation on her neck grew hotter as she watched their expressions slowly fade away.

"You're… not?" Gunther asked, breaking the silence.

"So you guys haven't hooked up." Eld added, slightly disappointed.

"Stop it," she replied scathingly.

"Well, either way, you two seem close." Eld said, adding a wink. "I wouldn't be surprised if there were some feelings there."

Petra felt her face grow hot again, and she grew quiet. None of them were teasing anymore, and quickly enough, they slipped into another conversation. Something about Fortnite. Petra listened to their banter, but she was starting to spiral into her own thoughts, taking her far away from her house. She excused herself, stepping away from the group and walking towards the hall.

The three paused their conversation as they watched their short friend walk away.

"It'll happen," Gunther said matter-of-factly, noticing the way that Levi's head turned towards Petra as she walked by. Auruo grunted in agreement, and then the three of them resumed their conversation, talking about who had the most wins.

Petra stepped into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. Leaning against the countertop, she began to think about her and Levi. They were friends, to be sure, and they'd grown close over the course of, what, two, three months? But they were just friends. Really, good friends. Probably one of her best friends, at this point. But why, why, did everyone keep thinking that they were dating? Because they weren't. And they clearly weren't, because, because…

"Hey." she jumped at the sound of his voice, and quickly spun around, taking note of Levi's more casual state. He'd taken off his larger jacket and was wearing a dark v-neck and button-up, the sleeves rolled up. He looked good. She almost let the words roll off her tongue before she stopped herself.

"Holy crap, you're really jumpy today." he said, watching the way she had nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Fine, I'm just fine." she sighed. "I just, need some air." Petra forced a smile, meeting his eyes, failing to notice the concern that was hidden there. "I think I'll get some sleep. There's going to be a lot more to do tomorrow night."


Around the table they set their forks and knives down periodically, picking up their wine glasses to take sips from whatever remained, the conversation gradually growing just a tinge more raucous from the alcohol. It was a small gathering as far as Thanksgiving dinners could go, with three generations of Ral stacked along the dining table, nine members of the family spread across. And Levi had been granted the tenth spot at their table, wedged in next to Petra and her mother's sister. He entertained polite talk with Petra's aunt, ignoring the suggestive glances that she gave him and Petra when she thought neither of them were looking. He kept trying to find it in himself to correct her, to tell her, Oh no, you've got the wrong idea, but something about sitting there made him feel less inclined to make the effort to do so. He felt comfortable sitting next to Petra, and so what if they thought that—Petra's probably already told them otherwise.

Levi had already become adjusted to being around the Ral family, all of whom were just as hospitable as he had expected. They welcomed him without question, easily integrating him into their family conversations and lifestyle as if he had been with them the whole time. He wondered if they were this way every time Petra brought some stranger into their home. His gaze was drawn to Petra as she laughed at something her sister said, and when she turned back to smile at him he found himself smiling back.

"Are you tired?" She asked, dropping her voice to a low whisper to avoid interrupting the table's conversation, glancing around as if to indicate to him whether or not her family was exhausting him.

He shrugged in response, "I mean, it's okay."

Petra nodded, sipping from her glass, tipping it back. She didn't want to admit it just yet, but Levi had done a better job than she'd expected of charming her family, namely her aunt. He was definitely leaving some lasting impression on them. "Here," Petra said, refilling her glass from the wine bottle on the table. "I'll take you upstairs. That way you can at least have the option of getting away from them." She giggled lightly at the last part, as if amused from her own joke, and stood up from the table, Levi following.

She led him back out the the hallway where Levi had first seen the grand main staircase, surprised by how much quieter it was here, far from the dining room. Petra chittered about random topics as they walked up, her steps unstable from the wine, and he remembered having watched her knock back several glasses. She stumbled on a step, and he instinctively moved his arms out to stabilize her, eliciting a faint laugh from Petra as she struggled to sway and keep the red wine from spilling onto the stair treads. Levi held her close to him, hugging her waist, and her face was so close to his that he could notice the freckles splashed on her nose—it was always the one part of her he couldn't miss. Giggling still, Petra smiled at him, her face breaking into this expression of pure joy that it made him wonder how she could stand to be with someone who was scowling all the time. He could feel her breathing, smell the wine under her breath, and when she leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips, making his skin tingle, it felt like the most natural thing to do. When she pulled away, he couldn't help but feel disappointed, his gaze holding on to her lips which were slightly parted.

"Petra, stop." Levi whispered to her, his voice low, his eyes clouded with something that Petra couldn't quite make out.

"Why?" She asked, setting the wine glass a step down, laying butterfly kisses up and down his neck.

He felt her brush her lips over his pulse, and Levi felt every muscle in his body tense as wordlessly he hugged her tighter against him. "Because," he started, distracted by her lips and roaming hands, "You're drunk."

"Not drunk enough," she sang softly, draping one arm around his neck, her other hand traveling to his thigh. He couldn't think straight. He shouldn't be doing this, but something about it felt right. But Petra's his friend… Fuck it…

She traced her hand up and down his thigh, and when she kissed him a second time, he didn't bother try and stop her. Levi kissed her back urgently, parting her lips with his own, weaving his hands through her hair, which was just as soft as he'd always imagined it would be. He kissed her back, trying to pretend that he hadn't always imagined what this moment would feel like, like he hadn't always caught Petra staring at him for a second too long. Petra's breath caught in her throat when Levi kissed her back, his lips soft but eager against hers, as if he was trying to take her all in. He held her by the curve of her lower back, and Petra felt herself falling into his hold, melting into his touch, and letting herself become intoxicated by him. She traced her hands up and down his shoulders, feeling his chest rumble from a low groan he let out, and he lifted her up, carrying her up the stairs. She laughed, directing him down the hallway to his room, leaving kisses up and down his neck and playing with the top buttons of his shirt, exposing some skin.

He opened the door to the room, Petra's legs wrapped around his waist, her lips distracting him, her tongue lightly tracing his lips, making him groan under his breath. Her hands travelled up the back of his neck, tangling themselves into his hair, and he wondered, briefly, how long he had been hoping that this would happen.

Longer than he realized, he thought, sitting back on the bed, Petra wrapped around him. He felt her began to trace her hands up his bare chest as she unbuttoned the last of his shirt, and all he could think about was getting rid of the clothing between them. He liked Petra. A lot. He'd never asked himself how he liked her, but all he knew was that he liked spending time with her. He liked being with her, and he liked all of the dumb things that she did. Insist on going to Starbucks even though the coffee was crap. Force him to spend afternoons with her on the grass, spread out, their textbooks open even though they were doing everything but studying. The smell of her hair… He traced his fingers through her hair, kissing her behind her ear. "Petra," he murmured under his breath, holding on to her waist tightly, his breath tickling her skin and making it burn under his touch.

He traced his lips down her neck, eliciting a soft moan that made her skin vibrate, his hands reaching down to lift up her shirt. But then he hesitated.


Petra walked back down to the kitchen, lumbering, trying to straighten herself and refocus her mind. She held the wine glass in her left hand, still full, and she made her way back down into the kitchen where the rest of her family was waiting. Some shoes and coats were missing from the front door, indicating that some had already left. Petra stepped into the kitchen where she found her aunt helping put some dishes away.

"Your parents are useless drunk," she said to Petra once she stepped in the kitchen, remaining hunched over the loaded dishwasher. Petra felt like she could hear something that was veiled under her Aunt Rose's otherwise mundane tone. Was it knowing? It almost sounded triumphant, as if Petra's absence had confirmed her thoughts. And maybe it had… or almost had. Petra laughed lightly, but she wasn't there, her thoughts drifting back to just a few moments earlier. His hands tangled in her hair, his body pressed against hers. That was until the spell was broken. Petra couldn't fully understand what had happened, but she also couldn't fully understand what she wanted. She felt confused.

When Levi had picked her up, she'd gotten excited. It was uncharted territory, everything was new, and it was thrilling. It wasn't a secret to her anymore how she felt. Even better, he'd reciprocated and accepted her kisses. He'd kissed her back, and she could feel him echo her desperation, as if both of them had been waiting for this for a long time. She held him tightly around his neck and around his waist, not bothering to think beyond the immediate now. She'd traced her fingers up and down his back, then brought them to his chest when he finally opened the bedroom door. And when they were both on the bed, Petra's legs wrapped around her, sitting in his lap, she was surprised when he told her to stop again.

"We don't know what we're doing," he said, staring at her.

"Yes we do," she insisted. "Doesn't this feel good for you?"

He held her firmly, keeping her from planting another kiss. "But Petra," he whispered to her. "What do we both want." Her eyes widened slightly at his insistence, and Petra let her hands drop from the sides of his face. She suddenly felt scared. And smaller. Levi had slept with so many girls on campus, at least from what she'd heard, and she wondered suddenly if she might be another one of those girls. Who would she hang out with after classes. Would they still have the same relationship. Could they even still be friends? But then again, maybe something different wouldn't be so bad. Maybe something new could be… better.

Her aunt's voice finally snapped her back out of her thoughts when she heard her mention Levi's name.

"He's nice," her aunt repeated when she noticed Petra's dazed look.

"Oh, Levi." Petra repeated, feeling his name roll of her tongue. "Yeah, he is."

Her aunt smiled wistfully at her, watching her only niece struggle with the fine lines of emerging adulthood. She wished she knew what to tell her—she wished she was able to find the exact words to solve all of Petra's problems. Instead she walked up and brushed at Petra's cheeks, then grabbed her coat off of the chair she'd set it on.

"Goodnight Petra. Give Levi my regards." Petra smiled at her aunt, realizing that this was maybe something as close to her aunt's stamp of approval that she would get.

Levi was probably sleeping after the conversation they'd had. After Petra had pressed her lips one last time to his jaw and stood up to give each of them space. God, why was she this stupid? She always had to do something to mess it up between them. When he carried her home from the party, when he finally started opening up and agreed to come to her house for the holidays and she made out with him.

But he had reciprocated. He had been just as invested in their open mouth kisses and just as eager to sneak upstairs to his room and get inside. But then he had stopped. Not because he hadn't wanted it. She knew he'd wanted it. She could feel it in his touches, in his kisses, she could hear it in his moans. But he had.

He was making her head spin.

She stood in front of the bathroom mirror. The foam from her toothpaste was caught in the corners of her lips, and her toothbrush stuck out of her mouth, where her teeth held it in place. If she looked closely, scrutinized herself, she could see remnant smudges of mascara under her eyes in the corners she'd missed. There were a few pimples here and there, acne scars. She should probably look into those. It was easy for her to get distracted, and she pulled her hair to the side, spitting, then rinsing her mouth under the tap. Maybe she could just forget about all of this in the morning. She put her toothbrush away, and stepped out of the bathroom, walking back to bed.

Petra tossed in bed, rolling onto her back. She felt like something was caught in her throat and her eyes felt hot and stinging. She wanted to cry. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt humiliated like this. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt anything like this.

"You were wrong Erd," she whispered to herself, staring up at the dark ceiling. What was she thinking? What did she want?

She rolled over again, half tempted to reach for her phone across the room. She'd been trying to cut back on phone usage. The app she used to track her usage said she was spending around four hours a day on it. And the main source of battery usage? The snaps that she would send back and forth with Levi throughout the days. She felt giddy whenever she got a message from him. And why was she stupid enough to never think why that was?

Petra hated the thought that she'd have to face him again tomorrow over breakfast. Have to look at his stupid face and have to endure the horrendous small talk that would take place over toast.

How did you sleep? — Oh, great, thanks. You? — Fine, thanks. Do you want to go into the city today? — No, I'm good. I think I'll just finish some work if that's alright with you. — Oh. No, that's great! I'll see an old friend then. — Sounds good. Have fun. — Thanks!

She hated that the conversation would be stilted. She hated that he would be living with this knowledge on his mind, that every minute he spent in her childhood home, he was probably imagining the relief he would feel when he stepped back on to campus, and into the privacy of his dorm room. Petra could already feel the false smile plastered on her face, the syrupy enthusiasm that would lace her voice that would be punctuated with an inflection, supposedly indicating joy. Her parents at the table… her sister and her soon to be brother-in-law… just a few more witnesses in the murder of Petra Ral.

Petra couldn't fall asleep. Her thoughts were too loud. And when she dreamed, she dreamed of him.

Author's Note

It happened guys. Much shitty writing. In part the reason why it took me so long to update was because I wasn't sure if it should happen yet or if I should've just continued with the slow burn lol. I love writing all those like small-touches heart-skipping-a-beat details, but the chapter was already written and it fits in well with the overall progression soo it happened.

Thanks so much for all the reviews—it really means a lot to read them and it warms my little heart when I get the chance to read all of your thoughts and comments on the story. So please leave more, I really love hearing your thoughts! I'll try as best as I can to respond as well because they're really just all such a delight. :)

In terms of the scraps, I feel bad not having posted any yet because I'm still conflicted about putting it in the same document or a new one (such a dumb dilemma aha). Ultimately I think I'm gonna create a new story so it doesn't interrupt the flow—just be warned though, the writing is really crappy (so please don't use it as a gauge of any sorts aha).