Chapter 5: Death Spiral
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They told me you were gone, but as the words left their lips, I knew it could not be true, because we are connected at the heart…and my heart would shatter if you were gone. I ran to that place to feel again the warm surrender of my soul to yours. But all that was left was silence. And all that I felt was solitude.
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"Taicho…" Renji's voice said, bringing Byakuya awake with a start.
He froze, pain cracking across his forehead and blazing through his eyes. He felt a hand settle onto his shoulder, steadying him, and heard Renji whisper something to his attendant. There was a hesitation, and the sound of a door closing, then they were left alone.
"What are you doing here?" Byakuya asked, placing a hand on his head to stop the awful pain.
Renji smiled at him gamely.
"I thought that maybe you might not want it to be generally known that you were drinking last night."
"Wha…?"
"Come on, Taicho…I'm a lot of things, but I'm not completely stupid," said Renji, "You got into the stash in my desk and drowned your sorrows…hey, I get why you would need some kind of relief, but you should have told me. You shouldn't drink alone…especially when you don't usually drink at all."
"Renji, what are you going on about?"
"Okay fine. You don't want to talk about it. I get it. But you need a little help getting back on your feet. I knew you would, and that's why I'm here."
"Abarai," Byakuya said, "I do hope that, at some point, you are going to start making sense…"
Renji laughed softly.
"Right," he said, shaking his head, "I'm the one not making sense."
He turned as the door opened and the attendant stepped into the bedroom. Renji turned and accepted the cup from his hand.
"Arigato," he said, nodding, "He'll be fine now."
"You may go," the noble told his attendant.
He made a face and groaned as an odd scent reached his senses.
"Abarai, I don't think I even dare ask what that is."
Renji laughed again.
"Yeah, don't ask. Just hold your nose and drink it quickly. It is nasty, but it will get you back on your feet and will cure that headache."
"I'm not touching that. Get out of here."
Renji frowned.
"Okay, but you're going to really hurt for it later. I'm telling you, Taicho, it really helps. Just…hold your breath while you drink it."
Byakuya looked at the odd, murky concoction and felt his stomach pitch, but, in absence of any practical knowledge to help him cure his hangover, he decided to trust his fukutaicho. He closed his eyes, held his breath and downed the horrid liquid, them dropped the cup and placed a hand over his mouth, trying desperately to hold it down. Renji looked on with sympathetic eyes and Byakuya didn't know whether to be touched by his obvious concern…or to kill him for even suggesting he subject himself to this assault on his senses. Too aware that it was his own foolishness that had put him in the situation he was in, but too proud to admit it, he settled for cold silence, but yielded Renji a look of tentative gratitude as his stomach settled and he realized that the headache was already easing.
"Better?" Renji asked calmly.
Byakuya nodded.
"Get out of here, Abarai," he said, only half-sincerely, "I will see you at the office after I make myself presentable."
Now Renji laughed whole-heartedly.
"See…I told you you'd be yourself in no time," he grinned.
He disappeared out the door, leaving the flushed taicho in his wake. Byakuya slowly dragged himself to his feet and stumbled to the dressing area. He still wasn't sure what it was that Renji had brought him, but he did feel the sickly sensation leaving him and normality returning to his body. He silently promised himself that he would never touch an alcoholic drink again. As much as it had dulled the pain, it wasn't worth the after-effects. And besides, there was no erasing the cause of the original pain.
He sighed and settled the ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu around his shoulders, but couldn't manage the kenseiken with his hands still shaking. He called in his attendant and stood quietly as he worked the headpiece into his hair, then departed for the sixth division.
As he walked, he tried to work out what he remembered about the night before. He did remember going to Renji's desk and drinking, but his memory faded after that. He knew that, at some point, he had sensed another person with him. He wasn't sure if the memory of showering was real, but he was reasonably sure that the odd stickiness between his thighs meant that whoever it was had very low moral standards to have taken advantage of him in such a condition. But he wasn't going to bemoan his fate. He had been reckless and careless. He rather deserved it.
Still…he had to wonder who it had been…
He considered it carefully as he reached the sixth division and walked past Renji and his sympathetic grin. He ignored it, and in fact, ignored Renji and everyone else as he worked at his desk for the next several hours. He gave Renji an evil stare as his fukutaicho handed him one more cup of his dreaded cure, but downed it without comment and turned back to his work.
He dropped his brush when the memory of Aizen's face returned to him. He felt Renji's eyes on him and picked up the brush again, returning to his work with a flush on his cheeks. He was sure he had to have been dreaming. Aizen Sousuke had carefully avoided him since the incident at the manor on the day of Ginrei's leaving and his promotion. It couldn't have been…but the more thought he gave it, the more it seemed he remembered the warmth of the arms that had held him, the mouth that had plundered his…and he had been taken with such gentleness…
"Taicho, you upset your inkpot."
Byakuya sighed and started to clean up the mess. He knew he had to be imagining things. It couldn't have been Aizen Sousuke…
He continued to mull it over in his mind as he left for the taicho's meeting. He thought about it as he stood, waiting for the captain commander with the other taichos. He thought he felt Aizen's eyes on him, but didn't dare look at him directly. He stood perfectly still, trying to ignore the feeling of being watched, and waited. He barely heard the contents of Soutaicho's message and turned to leave quickly when the meeting ended.
"Kuchiki taicho," said Aizen's voice, "may I walk you back to the sixth division? I'm going that way myself."
To not accept would be an admission, he thought, so he nodded and tried to force his body to relax as Aizen fell in next to him.
"Are you feeling better?"
He couldn't stop the flash of heat that raged across his cheeks.
"I am well enough."
Aizen smiled.
"Good. I was a bit worried. I hope you weren't offended that I accompanied you home…"
Byakuya couldn't think of an answer.
"I am a bit ashamed of myself for…well…not being able to resist…"
Byakuya stopped walking and turned toward him. He still had no idea how to answer.
"Don't worry," the other said, gazing at him affectionately, "I promise that it will remain between us, Byakuya…and I won't expect anything of you. I know you weren't in your right mind, so you probably didn't mean it anyway. It's all right. I enjoyed being with you."
He didn't know whether to be furious or relieved as Aizen turned away and left him there, speechless and staring. He couldn't get the blush off of his face and throat for the rest of the day.
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He was distracted from thinking about Aizen as the days passed and Rukia's execution grew closer. Dread had settled into his heart and was a constant weight. He couldn't make peace with the fact that Rukia was going to die…and that he was helpless to stop it.
He couldn't go against the rules…
He couldn't stop her execution….
He dared not go to visit her. Instead, he threw himself into his work, trying as he did to ignore Renji's growing restlessness and anger. He had approached Byakuya more than once, subtly trying to draw him into helping Rukia. He didn't seem able to understand the forces that bound his taicho's hands. No one seemed to understand…but he knew that a lot of people were talking about it. How cold he was…and how he had no feelings. He could have done something to stop them, but he couldn't let them know his heart was wavering. The rules were clear…and he was a defender of order in Soul Society. To break with the rules would set an example that could lead others to do the same. And even though the very thought that Rukia was going to die tormented him, he felt that there was no action he could take. He was bound fast. But the ropes seemed to be invisible to everyone but him.
The council of elders, of course, supported him…but it wasn't encouraging to him that the same group who had opposed his marriage to Hisana, now supported the execution of her sister…his sister. It only made him feel more sick inside.
The only solace he seemed to have, was found in a very odd place. Every time they locked eyes, it seemed that Aizen' Sousuke's eyes registered his pain. And each time their eyes met, it seemed that the pain eased, if only slightly. He hadn't forgotten, of course, that the fifth division taicho had been with him the night he had gotten so drunk. But Aizen had been kind enough not to mention it again after that.
Still, as much as he was glad not to have been pursued further, Byakuya was drowning in solitude. And finally, he decided that he just couldn't bear it anymore. He waited until he was alone in the office and summoned a hell butterfly. He whispered into it and was about to send it on its way, when an alert sounded, calling all taichos to a place near the fifth division.
He couldn't make sense of the feeling of dread that passed over him as the message rang out…as he rose and flash stepped to the given location…as he slid to a stop and stared up at the impaled form suspended on the wall by his own zanpakuto. All he knew was that the last support holding him together gave way and it was all he could do to stand quietly, trying not to look up at Aizen Sousuke's dead body. It couldn't be real. He couldn't just be gone like that. Of course, it wasn't the first time Byakuya had lost someone suddenly. His father's death had been sudden. Sometimes, things happened that way. There was nothing he could do about it. So, he stood in silence until he was excused…and then he ran…
He flash stepped to the senkaimon and passed over, into the living world. He ran down the streets, flash stepping so fast that it registered in the air around the humans. He didn't actually plan to go anywhere, but then, he wasn't surprised when he found himself slowing and coming to a stop at a large hotel. In shinigami form, he passed through the walls and made his way to the unoccupied penthouse suite. It was much as he remembered it, as though time had stopped that day. In his tired, confused mind, he tried to resolve whether it was a good thing or a horrid thing they had done. It had certainly been sweet and beautiful to be taken with such gentleness. But then…Aizen hadn't looked him in the eyes. And that other time they had been together, their eyes had locked…but Byakuya had been in a reduced state and Aizen had taken advantage of him. Yet, he had also been discreet.
So who, he wondered, was Aizen Sousuke to him? Was he a lover? Was he someone out to do him damage? They had barely spent any time in each other's presence…and yet the concept of being without him at all was striking the noble's deeply concealed heart with staggering ferocity. He didn't know what to make of that.
He was still wondering when a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind. He looked down and they seemed real enough, but when he turned, he knew the face he saw couldn't be real.
His mind had to have snapped…
It had to be the stress of all that had happened…
And yet, in that moment, Byakuya longed for anything that would take away that lonely feeling inside and fill him with something besides darkness.
"Why?" he whispered, his voice nearly breaking.
"You once told me," said Aizen's voice, "that we need to have hope, even when there is none. I am here to offer you that hope."
Byakuya turned in those arms that couldn't be real and met the eyes of what could only be a ghost. He didn't entertain for a moment that anything that was happening was real. His pain had simply taken over and his heart, body and mind were rebelling against what he knew to be true. So he chose to join the rebellion…to cast aside what he knew could not be and accept this hope that Aizen Sousuke's ghost offered.
And that was why when the ghost's mouth descended on his, he met it wholeheartedly. It didn't occur to him to question how real it felt. He needed it to feel as though real. He tightened his arms around the non-reality that this ghost represented and hung on for dear life as it plundered his mouth hungrily…as it nipped impatiently at his lips and captured and teased his tongue. He sucked that warm tongue into his mouth and teased it hotly with his own. He was both surprised and pleased his kiss was pleasing enough to make the ghost shiver and moan. He was even more surprised when it lifted him off his feet…still lodged deep within his mouth and tormenting it with a rage of furious kisses.
He was carried into the room where their first encounter had taken place and swiftly undressed. He carelessly let the kenseiken tumble to the floor, the ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu drop into a small heap and his haori to fall off his shoulders without even considering the small courtesy of draping it over a chair. His shihakusho disappeared and he couldn't have cared less where it landed. Aizen's clothes too, littered the floor and he didn't pause to wonder that the ghost would bother with such realistic touches. He was too entrenched in that delicious mouth, in the cascade of touches on his body, and in the fact that this ghost's body felt so real, so responsive…so perfect.
He fell underneath flesh that somehow, even being unreal, felt as hot and alive as his own. He was pushed down and held tightly in place as Aizen's mouth planted a line of seething kisses down his throat and his hands slid down the noble's writhing body and pleasured him, touching him with such desire, he couldn't help but arch upward, drag in a heated breath and plead…kami, yes, plead for more. There was no reason to stop. It wasn't real anyway. He was alone and Aizen Sousuke was dead. So it was all in his mind. And that made it safe…safe to feel the emotions, to act in ways he dared not otherwise, to free himself of the rules and regulations and just give Aizen's ghost every bit of himself he had held back and hidden.
He turned suddenly, overthrowing the ghost of his lover and settled on top of him, parting his thighs and straddling Aizen's heaving form, then leaning down to engage in another barrage of steamy kisses as he brought his length together with his lover's and rubbed them against each other, enjoying the heat and friction, laughing softly as he felt a touch of wetness on his skin. He crawled down that body he had never been able to fully explore, touching him everywhere, caressing and teasing until the body beneath his reared up off the bed and cried out his name with heartbreaking affection.
He moved down even further, touching and tasting, kissing his way along the fine carved breast, soft belly and surprisingly tender thigh. He hadn't dared to wonder if Aizen would have ever allowed him entrance into that devilishly beautiful body that hid the deeper, even more complex man, but now it was all he wanted and though he felt a quiver of uncertainty in the ghost, it looked him in the eyes and with some amount of clarity, allowed him to proceed.
Byakuya's hands trembled as he carefully prepared his ghost lover and moved into position between his thighs. Meeting the warm, brown eyes, he moved forward and planted a gentle kiss on his lips.
"Are you sure you want to look me in the eyes?" the ghost of Aizen asked, "You might come to regret it later."
"I won't regret any of this," Byakuya said calmly, "It isn't real, so I can do what I want. Damn the rules, curse nobility…and I will defy anyone or anything that tries to stop me."
Aizen gazed up at him wonderingly, his fingers lightly touching the noble's pale lips.
"No one really knows you, do they?" he asked, a note of sadness in his voice, "You don't let anyone all of the way in, do you?"
The wide gray eyes darkened.
"No…not now…not ever. I'll never give that much of myself to anyone. Never after this."
Byakuya put an end to their words with a torrent of biting kisses, pushing inside Aizen's body more forcefully than he intended and not caring because it wasn't real. It wasn't real the way his lover's body tightened around him, how he moaned and gasped with delight as the noble's body threw itself heedlessly against his, forgetting all restraint. It wasn't real how their fingers laced together or how their bodies shook with the waves of nearing bliss.
Pleasure exploded through his body, dragging a cry of ecstasy from his lips. His mind seemed to fall away and the strength left him. He collapsed heavily onto Aizen's body, closing his eyes and struggling to regain his breath. Strong arms wrapped tightly around him and a calm voice sounded in his ears. His tired mind could barely understand. And in truth, he was beyond wanting to understand anything.
"You are amazing, Kuchiki Byakuya…truly. I had no idea…none at all."
He slept for a time and when he woke, warm hands were caressing him again. He felt calmer inside, his mind returning from that shell-shocked place. Strangely, the ghost was still with him, still holding him and touching and kissing him with heart-melting fervor. He fell easily under the spell of that other, letting himself be prepared and gently taken, moving more slowly this time, gazing up into the lovely brown eyes of his dead lover and somehow knowing this was goodbye. Tears rose in his eyes and the last of his pride fell away.
"Please, Sousuke," he sobbed, "don't go…"
Aizen said nothing, but brushed the tears away and sank deeper into his body. It wasn't possible, he thought for something to be so beautiful and yet so heartbreaking, for him to experience such waves of bliss and searing heat inside, but to shiver with cold. And yet, as the calm vibration of afterglow settled over him, he felt both.
"You're going to leave, aren't you?" he asked softly.
There was no answer…just the touch a soft hand on his face and a gentle kiss as he was sent into unconsciousness and quietly abandoned.
