It had been a week since Raphael Barba had seen Olivia Benson she had texted a few times to make sure he was okay. He would reply short answers but other than that he had hidden out in his apartment, reading books and binging on Netflix. He found himself cooking more than getting fast food. He was enjoying the free time more than he thought he would and was actually nervous for an upcoming interview at NYU that was later in the week. He had a few other interviews, but he really didn't know if he would accept an offer until he knew his fate at NYU.
Olivia Benson sat on a stool in the Kitchen poking at french toast she had made for her and Noah. She had so many things on her mind; she didn't really feel like eating. She was worried about Barba. A case was going to trial Monday morning she wasn't testifying, but she was hoping it went smoothly. Stone was good, but she still didn't have faith in him like she did Raphael. She hated she felt that way and hoped her feelings would change but ever since Raphael Barba left her stomach turned in knots about the outcomes of trials. Olivia realized that even when she wasn't trying to think of the man, it went full circle, and she was genuinely missing him.
Noah was going on about the park, and Amanda, and Jessie, who were all coming for a play date. Olivia and Amanda were taking the kids to the park. She already had jeans and a t-shirt on and couldn't help but smile at her little boys' happiness. This was what she always wanted and wasn't sure she was ever going to get it. But sure enough here that little boy is making her mom. Sometimes she honestly forgot that there was a time before Noah. Maybe it was more that she wanted to forget there was a time before Noah. She got out of her head as she heard a knock at the door, opening to see Amanda and Jesse. She didn't realize she it was already 11 am and she quickly threw away the cold french toast and greeted her guests.
"Hey Rollins, and Jessie!" She said.
"Park, Park!" Jessie yelled.
Olivia couldn't help but laugh at how excited Jesse was.
Amanda looked like she was worn out and Olivia could understand, it took every bit of her strength to keep up with Noah, even with all of Lucy's help. She had no clue how people who couldn't afford a nanny work and have children. She looked at Noah ready to go, she slipped on her shoes, and the two walked to the park 2 blocks away.
"So we haven't caught up in a while, Work has been a lot." Amanda stated.
"Trust me I know, I hate to say it, but there is nothing to catch up on really, its been mundane outside of work," Olivia claimed.
As Olivia said this, she got a text and checked her phone.
Barba: "Sorry, I haven't been around are you free tonight?"
Olivia bit her lip and blushed at the message, not knowing she had done either as she was about to respond.
"I thought you said mundane Liv?" Amanda laughed but questioned at the same time.
"What are you talking about?" Olivia asked.
"Oh please, that blush, that lip-biting who is he?" Amanda asked as they walked through the entrance and Noah ran to the slides Jesse quickly behind.
"Just a friend," Olivia said.
"Please, you don't blush when a friend sends a text."
"Okay, okay is Barba," Olivia stated
Amanda smiled brightly knowing she had gotten it right.
"I didn't know you two had a thing!" Amanda exclaimed.
"We don't honestly, we don't he showed up a wreck at my house Saturday the first time I had heard from. He was just exhausted stuck inside his own head. He slept over and left Sunday morning."
"So sleeping over is nothing?" Amanda asked.
"He fell asleep on the couch, nothing happened. He was exhausted. Besides we're friends." Olivia stated.
"You know that's usually how it starts, friends, then lovers..." Amanda stated.
"Not in my experience, and no offense not yours lately anyways." Olivia stated.
"What about you and Tucker?" Amanda asked.
"Well, I admit I knew him, but to say were friends is something else entirely."
Olivia stated as she watched Noah and Jessie chase after each other and slide down each of the slides.
"What about you and Brian," Amanda asked, trying again.
Olivia sighed.
"I guess you could say we were friends when we worked together. When we got involved, it was right before Lewis, and afterward, he was a familiar body. I still care about him deeply, but he never wanted, this, a family. He was there for me when I needed him but not emotionally available, and at the time, I was okay with it. To take what I could get but I can't do that with Noah anymore. I haven't had a man over since Tucker left and to be honest I was kidding myself with him. I was just hoping that someone who knew what I went through the day in and day out, could get me but without working through all this, he still didn't get it. He didn't understand why I was so devoted and to work, and although he got along with Noah, I could tell he wasn't particularly excited that Noah would crash our dates time to time." Olivia explained.
Amanda nodded her head.
"I get it Liv, I do what did Barba want anyways?" Amanda asked.
"He wants to meet up tonight. I want too, but I know he's still going through everything, he had something else he was going to tell me, but Noah was asleep, and he was so tired." Olivia stated.
"Well he's unemployed, ask if he can meet up now, I'll take Noah for a while take the kids out to Ice-cream they can watch a movie at my house, and we'll see how it goes," Amanda explained.
Olivia texted back:
Actually, tonight's not the best but if you can meet me in about 20 minutes, Noah's will be with Amanda and Jessie a while.
Barba: See you then.
"I guess you're on babysitting duty," Olivia stated.
Olivia asked Noah if he wanted to go with Aunt Amanda and Jessie for the day, leaving out Raphael was coming over to her place, knowing he would refuse otherwise. Noah didn't seem to care his mom was leaving and was excited to go to Aunt Amanda's for ice-cream and a movie. Olivia handed Amanda a $20 insisting she used it on the kid's ice-cream and walked back to the apartment.
Raphael Barba looked good when he knocked on her door. The dark Circles were practically gone, he wasn't exactly smiling, but there was no grimace on his face either. Olivia welcomed him to the apartment and asked if he wanted coffee.
"There is never a time I would say no to coffee, Liv" She smiled.
"So you were looking pretty rough last I saw you, You look better now whats going on?"
"Well I have a few interviews later this week, and I'll admit I am a bit unsure of myself."
Olivia smiled until his face frowned.
"Oh, you're serious?" Olivia stated
When he nodded his head without answering, she felt terrible.
"I am sorry but since when was Raphael Barba nervous?"
"Since he left his job without a back-up and realized he's not comfortable going back to what he knew before being SVU's ADA." He answered.
"So what is it that you applied to that has you so nervous?" Olivia asked.
"I applied to teach at NYU," Barba explained.
"You'll be an excellent teacher. Honestly, you're going to be able to read them. You'll know when to show empathy and know when to tear them apart. It fits you." Olivia stated.
"I always thought of it as a retirement job." Raphael admitted.
"Uh, you know. Retirement means no job, right?" Olivia asked.
"Yeah I know it's just I was sort of hoping to become judge, but that dream changed I can't imagine doing that now if life depended on it. When I saw the job, it got me excited, but I know they are going to know me. I know the whole city has seen those papers. I just don't know if they'll have me." Raphael admitted.
"Please, you know everyone's on your side. You weren't fired you did nothing wrong. It's a law school of all places. If anything, they are going to be the ones who know how this all works."
"Thanks, for your confidence," Barba exclaimed.
"Your welcome, when's the interview?" Olivia asked.
"Thursday at 10am." He replied.
"You got time, I've never seen you nervous about court cases. You just need to get your confidence back. You'll be fine whatever you wind up doing." Olivia claimed.
Olivia offered him to sit on the couch, she grabbed 2 glasses of water, and they sat side by side like they did a week ago. He wasn't leaning on her like last week, but their legs touched and neither moved away or made mention of the closeness.
"Fin told me he and Much ran into you Sunday night," Olivia stated.
Raphael attempted to keep his face neutral when asking "What did they say?"
"Nothing just that they ran into you and said that you didn't look too well, and they tried to cheer you up. Should they have said something?" Olivia asked.
"No I was still pretty down Sunday, but since then I've done some soul searching, and I've been treating this as a vacation. I have read more in the past week than in the last 10 years. I binged watch enough Netflix they should charge me double. I even cooked a homemade meal 3 days in a row." He laughed.
Olivia smiled, glad he was feeling better about his outlook. She noticed his eyes lit up when she smiled and stared into them longer than she usually did. If he saw he didn't say a word and the moment broke when her cell phone went off.
"Benson" She answered.
"Yeah Fin, no that is fine, do you need me to come in?" Olivia asked.
"Okay, well let me know good work," Olivia stated.
"Got a break in our latest case just letting me know." She told Barba
Raphael just nodded not sure what to say. He had so many things he wanted to talk about but wasn't quite sure where to begin. Olivia wasn't quite sure what to say or what he was expecting. They had been friends of course but outside of work, and what he knew about Lewis and her relationships with Cassidy and Tucker he didn't know much about her personal life.
"Liv, what made you become an SVU detective? Barba asked.
"That's a long story," Olivia stated.
"I've got time," Raphael claimed.
"Well if we're going to bring up the past, a bottle of wine or 2 might be in order." Olivia claimed.
Olivia walked into the kitchen, debating if she should put her heart out there for him. She wasn't sure how much she would change in his view. She had been accepting of her past and therapy had taught her that her life wouldn't be as grand as it currently is now without her past, but it didn't mean it still didn't hurt when she thought about a lot of the things growing up. She pulled out 2 glasses, forgoing the mark she knew the wine should go to in the glass and just filling hers almost full, giving him the same portion and setting the bottle in the middle of the coffee table.
He didn't say anything about the action and picked up the drink. It was a sweet red wine and although not his particular taste, he didn't say anything as she started.
"When I had first started, I just told people I wanted to help victims get the justice they deserve, but the truth was I was trying to get justice for myself and my mother. She was raped, and she had me. She went through a lot and was an alcoholic most of my life. I thought that if I could save one person from the experience, my mom had, or a child that was to have the life I had, it would be worth it. Your turn I know why you went into law, but why did you agree to work SVU?"
"I guess at first I wanted to prove myself they said that the ADAs with SVU never last long, and if they do something happens, they get into deep, I guess like I did. I wanted to prove that with enough evidence that people will be convicted and that the side of the law always wins. I thought that it would be easy to convict rape, especially children, and that, of course, I could change the world. Change the law something. I came to learn that as much as the job frustrated me, it was an absolute high when I knew we had brought a criminal down. It was also the worst depression I'd ever had when I knew the jury let a bad one go free." Raphael took a large drink after his speech.
"You know my first partner Elliott told me I wouldn't last a month," Olivia stated.
"I've heard his name a lot but you never really told me about him," Raphael asked not knowing the emotions he evoked in Olivia.
Olivia finished her glass of wine before starting with the story of Elliott Stabler.
"When I met him, I thought he was an ass, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized that he knew the law didn't always win as you say. He was rough around the edges for sure, but he had a passion no one could match. We got really close, too close, really. We should have been separated, but in truth, we were the best partners they had. Elliott had this control over me no one ever had before. I hate to admit, but I would have done anything for him. He would have done the same, but things changed. He had a lot of personal stuff going on. He had 4 kids when he and his wife got divorced. Then they got back together, and baby number 5 came. I took off undercover without telling him, and our relationship just sort of fell apart. He just left one day, and I haven't heard from him since. In some way, after he left, it freed me. It no longer El, and Liv it was just Liv, and it allowed me to become Lieutenant. I swear if he walked through the door this minute, I wouldn't know if I would hug him or punch him. I would most likely end up doing both."
Olivia tried to think of another topic any other topic.
"You know, after knowing you for so long I have no clue where you live," Olivia stated.
"Battery Park, I moved in right after becoming ADA. I've always loved the Hudson River even as a kid, it seemed to soothe me. I looked around my apartment after I left here and I realized it's not home. It's a place where I lay my head down at night but now even for me it's just too bachelor pad-esque." He explained.
"I can't imagine you have clothes strewn around the place, take out boxes everywhere and the place smelling like rotting pizza." Olivia commented.
"I don't mean it like that I mean, look at your apartment. You have the fridge with all of Noah's drawings. You have a pull-out couch. You have all these beautiful pictures with Noah, and your friends and I have a stiff leather couch and a print of a Monet I bought at the Met because it made me feel superior. Now I just feel like an ass." He replied and took another drink.
"Your not an ass, it sounds like you want to settle down. I take it there is no one in the picture." Olivia asked.
Raphael Barba didn't like the dangerous territory they were getting into. So he finished his wine.
"There hasn't been anyone in the picture in a long time." He answered.
Olivia looked bemused.
"Seriously whats a long time 6 months?" Olivia asked.
"No more like 5 years," Barba stated.
"Oh, I'm sorry it's just your good looking, your outgoing, you have a lot going for you Raphael, and it's just hard to believe you haven't been in a relationship that long," Olivia stated.
"Well when you work, SVU people tend to slink away and when you work 50 hours plus a week that doesn't leave much room for a relationship. Right as I was going to SVU I was in a relationship, and it was good, but it was fun, I was being used for my money, and it was more of fling. Shortly after the appointment, I realized that I just couldn't be that person anymore. Then you know how these cases are, and I know I wouldn't be any good at attempting a relationship on top of them. I am not saying I didn't flirt, but that's about it. I have no idea how you kept up with Cassidy or Tucker." He stated.
"I didn't Cassidy I thought was different, we knew a lot about each other going in, but in the end, the emotion just wasn't there it was something familiar, and I needed him at the time especially after Lewis. We were at different points in our lives. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, and when I thought I was pregnant, I thought about how wonderful it would be for Brian and I to be a mom and dad to a wonderful little boy. When I admitted the pregnancy scare, he was so happy that I wasn't, and that's when I realized I cared about him, but I couldn't be with him. And Tucker God I don't even know what Tucker was a rebound, I guess. He was kind to me beyond good to me, but I had Noah, and he just wasn't connecting and didn't seem too interested in being his dad and I just I can't do that Noah he has to come first, and I couldn't handle going out night after night without him. I don't want him to think I'm not going to be there for him.
She shook her head and put down her wine glass and took a deep breath.
"Hey, I didn't mean to upset you, but you know you can tell me anything Liv, anything at all. It's okay that Noah comes; first, he should. You waited so long for him, and when you find someone, they'll realize your a package deal. I can't help but think they're both idiots, I don't know how anyone could pass on you."
"Liv I'm sorry I didn't mean to drudge up anything you didn't want to talk about. Raphael stated.
"No, it's okay it's taken a long time for me to feel comfortable talking about it and I should have told you sooner, there was never the right time." Olivia stated.
"There never is." Barba states as he thought about how many things he held from not sure how she would judge him.
"Hey I know, I just bought some movies this week. I have Black Panther, and it's still too intense for Noah, want to watch it?"
"Yeah, sure." Raphael agreed.
The movie started, and Oliva began feeling cold. She was always in a Blazer at work not only because it was professional, but most of the time she was cold. She grabbed a throw off the back of the couch and wrapped herself in it, she leaned towards Raphael for his warmth.
"You're really that cold Liv?" Raphael asked.
"If I'm not up to doing something I freeze," Olivia mentioned.
She put the back of her hand on his to show how cold she really was. When her flesh hit him though it was replaced with a heat that both of them could feel. Raphael opened his arm up allowing Olivia to lean into him, and she gladly accepted his body heat.
"How are you so warm?" She asked.
Raphael wasn't sure what to say, so he attempted to focus on the movie but his attention as the fact that Olivia Benson was in his arms even if she just was stealing his body heat. She stayed there the rest o the movie and right as it ended Amanda knocked on the door.
Noah came into the house. He looked exhausted but happy. Jesse was out in Amanda's arms. When Noah saw Raphael on the couch he ran as fast he could immediately taking the space that Oliva once occupied and hugging him tightly.
Raphael couldn't help but laugh.
"I missed you." He stated.
Raphael couldn't help but have a pang of guilt for not seeing Barba sooner than this.
Amanda looked on at the interaction, not knowing how interested Noah was to with the former ADA. Olivia was a bit surprised herself and was even more in awe when Raphael seems to give a look of happiness. Whenever Noah interacted with Tucker, he always seemed so unsure, but Raphael Barba listened intently about his day. Aunt Amanda and Jessie." When Noah finally paused for a breath, he just smiled and said.
"It sounds like you had a good time."
"Counselor." Amanda finally greeted.
"Not anymore call me Raphael or Barba." He corrected.
"Right, yeah Raphael is going to take a bit of getting used to."
Noah interrupted the pleasantries tapping on Raphael's side to get his attention.
"Are you going to stay the night again like last Saturday?"
Raphael cringed and blushed at the words that came out of the boy's mouth not knowing how to react with Amanda around. Olivia laughed at the look on his face.
"Raphael has things he needs to do this weekend, he can't stay every weekend Noah," Olivia stated.
Amanda couldn't help but laugh, Raphael was still red.
"Calm down Barba, she said you stole her couch last weekend," Amanda stated.
"He didn't steal it, Aunt Amanda, he only slept on it," Noah said, confused.
All the adults laughed.
"Well I should get going, Jesse is exhausted," Amanda stated.
"Okay, we'll see you soon enjoy the rest of your weekend," Olivia stated.
"So Barba I'll be seeing you around?" Amanda couldn't help but ask.
"I hope so." He responded.
"Bye Barba, Bye Liv, Bye, Noah," Amanda stated as she walked into the hallway leaving the 3 of them alone.
"I'm sorry if that's going to be the gossip mill at work come Monday," Barba said.
"I'm not too worried about it," Olivia stated.
"Do you want to stay for dinner," Olivia asked.
"I'd love too," Barba replied.
Noah looked excited. "Please please, if you can stay for dinner why can't we have a sleepover."
He looked as though he was ready to cry.
"If your mommy says it is okay, but if it's not okay, I promise to see you soon," Raphael stated.
Olivia couldn't deny that Noah had her wrapped around his finger and she couldn't think a single excuse to deny Raphael Barba a spot on her couch, and she definitely loved having an excuse of having him around.
"Fine, Noah Benson! But you can't stay up late, and when he needs to leave there will be no arguments." Olivia said, sternly.
"Okay, mommy!"
Olivia wasn't sure what to do to fill the time, but Noah did.
"Can we play I have legos, and blocks and cars!" Noah said excitingly.
Olivia was happy that Raphael hurriedly went into his room.
"You coming, mom?" Noah yelled.
"Yeah, baby, I'm coming," Olivia stated.
Olivia couldn't help but be immersed in playing with Noah, and Raphael like it was the most natural thing on earth. They had been playing with about every toy Noah had in his toy box. Olivia didn't realize how late it had been until she looked at the clock it was pushing 6 pm.
"Noah, baby its time for dinner. Let us get this cleaned up, and we can order pizza." Olivia said.
"PIZZA, mom I'm so hungry!" Noah responded.
Noah picked up around his room, Raphael, and Olivia did the same and placed the pizza order.
Noah grabbed his tablet and began playing a game. Raphael sat on a stool in the kitchen.
"How do you do this Liv? That boy is boundless energy, and you here you are ordering pizza you look wonderful, and I'm pretty sure if that I could fall asleep on this stool if my stomach weren't looking forward to pizza." Raphael admitted.
"He's a handful, and I have a lot of help. Lucy has been wonderful, she has put her life on hold going to class part-time. She is graduates next year and I know Noah will be 7, but I would be fine if she were here watching him when he was 17. He might need to watch more by then. I hope to be retired by then," she chuckled.
"Olivia Benson retire, I am quite sure they should just name the station after you," Raphael stated.
"I love helping the victims, but I feel bad enough leaving him, I have 4 more years before I can retire he'll be 10, and I'll be 55." When did that happen? I swear you walked into my life yesterday Noah wasn't even in existence when we met, but my whole life is that little boy."
"I know Liv. It's not wrong to work and be a mom, and it's not crazy to retire the day your eligible to be with him either." He put his hand over hers to reassure her. She smiled up at him.
The pizza came and Noah ate more than Olivia, and Raphael could even dare to touch. Noah once again talked excitedly now that his last day of school which was Wednesday. Though Olivia was glad that he was excited about his break, she felt terrible because he would be at home while she was away, and the summer was when most cases came in. She let Noah talk, and finally, he calmed down after a while picking up the final slice.
Olivia picked up the pizza box and put it in the trash she wiped down the table, Noah scampered off to the TV. He turned the TV on, and Olivia yelled out.
"Half an hour then you have to take a bath, Noah!" Olivia warned.
"Oh, mom, do I have too?" Noah
"Oh, Noah, yes, you do." Olivia wined back.
"Fine!" Noah pouted.
Raphael wasn't sure he should say anything, but when Olivia went to the bathroom, Raphael talked to the little boy.
"Noah, mommy, is trying really hard to take care of you so when she asks you to do something you don't want to do she's not mean, she's just trying to help," Raphael said.
"You sound like Lucy, I know it is just, do I have to take a bath all the time." Noah asked.
"Its good to be clean." He responded.
"I guess." Noah said and continued watching cartoons.
Before Raphael knew it, Noah was in the bathtub splashing loudly, he could hear Olivia prompting him to wash his hair and to make sure all the bubbles got off his limbs. Noah came back in pajamas. Oliva looked uncomfortable as her pants were soaked, but she whisked him back to his room.
"Can Raphael tuck me in?" Noah asked.
Raphael heard him but didn't want to tread on Olivia's parenting.
"Of course you'll have to ask him through" Oliva told the boy.
Raphael was already getting up to tuck him in. It was 8:30 pm, and he was ready to go to sleep.
He took Noah goodnight tucked him as Noah kept saying, "tighter, tighter." Raphael complied and without a second thought, kissed his forehead and said, "goodnight."
Olivia witnessed the event and bit her lip. She now knew no matter what happened Raphael Barba would be twined with her as long as Noah still cared for him. Olivia closed Noah's door, and Raphael retreated to her couch and put his head back.
"Seriously Liv, I am worn out by him." Raphael laughed.
"If you want to head out, I'll tell Noah you left early," Olivia stated.
"No, I don't Want you to lie. Besides like I said its homey here I'm comfortable here and if I am not mistaken its pouring down the rain." Barba said as he looked out the window.
"K, well let me find you something to wear, and get the couch fixed up and we'll figure out what to do from there."
Olivia changed and grabbed his basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Raphael accepted and then asked.
"Hey Liv, do you have any pants instead? If not, it's no big deal." He quickly stated.
"Uh yeah, of course." Olivia walked back into the room, finding some flannel pajama pants that were baggy on her and handed them to him.
He went to the bathroom to change. He hadn't worn shorts for a long time a large scar running down the back of his thigh. He knew Olivia wouldn't say anything, but he was still self-conscience. He would rather not have the conversation. He put on the pants and shirt and walked back out. Olivia had the bed made but jumped on and patted the other side. Raphael joined sitting cross-legged like she was and they turned on the TV. There were old reruns that they both settled on. They sat there comfortably, Raphael fell asleep at an odd angle. Olivia turned the TV off and went to her room, checking email and thinking about the man for the 2nd week in a row laying on her couch.
