A/N: I have a lot of this written already. I hope you are still enjoying write a review. I hope to update more often; this is a longer chapter. I hope you enjoy it.

Sunday morning came slowly and Olivia relished the fact she had a decent night sleep. She was still in a robe. They had both been in bed, she was still barely awake when he asked her a question that made her heart pound and her brain hurt.

"Liv can I be Noah's dad, can I adopt him?"

Olivia just sat there she knew Raphael had been thinking about this for a long time. She let the tears stream down her face. She knew Raphael would never leave him, maybe her but never Noah. After several minutes of no response, but Olivia not moving, he looked over to gauge her reaction.

"Liv, say something," Raphael stated.

"I know you love him, and that's enough, but as much as you want it, Noah needs to want it too. I'm not saying he doesn't love you he adores you sometimes I think more than me, but that's a big step Raphael." Olivia stated.

"I know." He replied.

"I don't know how to broach the subject, but I'll look into it." Olivia stated.

"You know if he doesn't want it, it will hurt, but it wouldn't change us." Raphael stated.

"But it would, in some way, it would Raphael, even if you don't want to think it. We will cross that bridge when we get to it." Olivia stated.

Raphael nodded his head.

Olivia relaxed into him.

"Wish we could relax like this more often." Olivia stated.

"Wouldn't that be nice I feel like I'm on vacation." Raphael stated.

Olivia disagreed. "If we were on vacation right now, we wouldn't be doing this," Olivia stated.

"How do you know?" Raphael asked.

"Because Noah would be with us, and we would be awake going to a museum or aquarium or on a hike or something because my kid doesn't know the meaning of sleeping in." Olivia stated.

Raphael laughed.

Olivia loved his laugh so much, and kissed him deeply. The fire ignited, and she wanted nothing else to be on top of her him. She slowly inched her way, and before Raphael knew what happening, she was dry, humping him pulling on his shirt, and he couldn't say no.

"Liv, I thought we were talking before this again..." he warned.

"No time. Maybe after." Olivia stated as she took off her shirt, exposing herself to him. He reached up to touch a nipple, which he found was an Unconscious decision. She moaned out and quickly

undressed herself and Raphael. He wasn't sure what had turned this into having sex, but he wasn't complaining. Olivia wasn't rough but faster than he thought, and he met her pace and wondered where she had been all his life because he had been missing out. When they were both done, Raphael let out a sigh, and Olivia complained of being hungry.

Raphael reached over in bedside drawer and handed her a bag of pretzels.

"You keep snacks for all the girls that come by." Olivia asked, jokingly.

"Those are mine. I don't just pass them out to anyone I see," Raphael stated.

"I know you don't like to share your food," Olivia stated.

"A small sacrifice if it keeps you with me," Raphael exclaimed.

"It's a tick in the right direction." Olivia laughed.

After they had both got there breathing back to normal, and their heart rates went down Raphael dressed in his boxers and t-shirt and went to the kitchen to find what he was going to call brunch.

Olivia quickly rinsed off dressed back in her pajamas and joined him.

She found him making sausage and eggs.

The two of them ate in peaceful silence and slipped over to the window watching the day go by.

"This is better than a movie." Olivia stated.

"Better then the Bachelor?" Raphael asked.

"Damn I'm behind!" Olivia stated.

Raphael rolled his eyes but kept his arms wrapped around Olivia in the window. They didn't sit there too long before Raphael admitted he had a few things he wanted to get done before Monday rolled around, and he wanted to stay late if not overnight with her and Noah tonight. Raphael handed Olivia the remote and told her with his video on demand she could watch the bachelor.

It was 2:00 pm, and Raphael realized he and Liv needed to get ready to go. Olivia couldn't deny the nerves but knew it would be fine. They got into his car and drove several blocks to 32nd st.

"You've vetted this place, right?" Olivia asked.

"What do you mean." Raphael asked.

"This isn't some human trafficking place, is it?" Olivia asked.

"NO, Liv, I know there are plenty, but I checked it out." Raphael stated.

Olivia got out of the car and followed Raphael in.

"We haven't seen you here in a while, Mr. Barba." The receptionist claimed.

"Yeah some things came up." He stated.

"I saw the news; I know not to believe what flashes across that screen or what's printed. I am sorry you had to go through that." The receptionist stated.

Olivia opened her mouth, shocked at the kind words.

"I appreciate that." Raphael stated.

"Well I'll let Dominque know you're here, and I see you brought a friend Lori will be with you guys as well." The lady stated.

Raphael sat down in the waiting room that had plush leather chairs, and Olivia fell back in one as well. They only waited a minute before Dominque came greeted him like an old friend, then hugged Olivia as well

"Well the one Olivia Benson in the flesh, I was beginning to think you weren't real." Dominque laughed.

Raphael blushed deeply, and Olivia couldn't believe that Raphael had a conversation with his massage therapist about her.

They walked back into the room that Olivia instantly relaxed in the smell itself instilled calmness, and the colors in the room were subdued.

"I'll let you guys undress. "take as much or as little as you want off Olivia. Lori is great." Dominque stated.

Olivia nodded her head.

Olivia chose to wear long boyshorts as she would wear under a dress hiding her thighs but took the rest of her clothing off. Raphael draped the sheet over her and proceeded to undress fully. Olivia had her head down and couldn't see him. Which he was a bit happy because her staring at him would have done him in, and he didn't want to explain the erection to Dominque.

He had laid down and draped the sheet over himself. Raphael and Olivia began talking about the rest of the day.

Dominque and Lori walked in, and Lori and Dominique explained what they were doing as they did it, and Olvia felt as she melted into the table. Lori was getting muscles. She didn't even know she had was losing the tension in them, and she felt like jello. She never knew feeling like jello would feel so good, but she knew why Raphael came here twice a month, and she was ready to add this on her things-to-do list and clear her calendar of anything standing in the way.

When Lori and Dominque were done, they explained that the couples massage included a 30-minute bath soak and listed about 30 different combinations of salts and oils that could be used and then they would have a 20 minute facial and 10-minute face massage.

By the time everything was done Olivia was half tempted to ask if there were any apartments nearby for rent because she could live there. Everything felt wonderful, and she was happy to be so relaxed and headed home to see her boy. Raphael had a similar relaxed look and drove to her apartment.

Lucy looked up at Olivia and Raphael as they walked through the door. It was a little bit before five, and she and Noah were eating a cinnamon roll watching the Goosebumps movie. Olivia knew it was kid orientated but was worried Noah would have nightmares. She didn't say anything, though. Lucy stated she had a wonderful time with him and that she had spoken to James, and Wednesday night would be an excellent time to meet if that was possible. Olivia agreed she would attempt to leave work on time. Raphael said he could meet them after that class concluded that afternoon.

Lucy stated that she would let them know where soon, and she packed her stuff up, ready to go home and enjoy the rest of her Sunday night.

"We'll see you in the morning," Olivia stated, and Lucy left.

Olivia cooked chicken for dinner, and Raphael, and she both listened about all the things that he and Lucy did together. Both could tell that Noah was excited to talk about it, but he was also exhausted he said Lucy let him stay up late last night, but he even woke up early this morning. After dinner, Noah's eyes drooped, and it was too soon for him to be tired, but Olivia tucked him in read him a story, and he was in bed before 7 pm.

Olivia and Raphael sat on her couch, but her phone rang. She looked at the call; it was Amanda.

"Rollins?" Olivia asked.

"Hey, Liv I was just wondering Jesse is demanding a play date with Noah and I have this Tuesday off; is that okay?" Amanda asked.

"I'm sure Noah will be thrilled." Olivia stated.

"Well I will see you tomorrow. I didn't want to ask last minute." Amanda stated.

"You know you're always welcome," Olivia stated.

"Yeah I know, have a good night." Amanda stated, and with that, Olivia closed her phone.

Raphael looked at her, and when she explained, he simply nodded his head.

"So are you ready for our next appointment with Lori and Dominque?" Raphael asked.

"Yeah can you set that up for tomorrow, and then again on Tuesday and Wednesday." Olivia asked.

"I wish I know you work this weekend. Give Lucy the weekend off and I'll take care of him; then, next weekend, see if Lucy can take him for a few hours that our next appointment." Raphael stated.

"Yeah I will talk to her. I can't believe she has seen James for 9 months and never said a word." Olivia stated.

"I think it was for Noah's sake, she loves him and wanted to see where this James guy panned out." Raphael stated.

"9 months seems like a long time to not say something." Olivia commented.

"Maybe, she told me a little bit about him the other day." Raphael confessed.

Olivia wasn't exactly shocked but didn't know Lucy and Raphael had more than casual conversations.

She Just nodded her head. Olivia and Raphael filled the evening, talking about the upcoming week. Olivia still stonewalled him on discussing sex even though she knew it was a conversation they needed to have. She promised they would have a conversation soon. Raphael fell into a fitful sleep that night, Olivia waking up several times with his tossing and turning. She was tired of him always trying to butt in . She knew he was trying to help, but she found it annoying, and she was mad; she wasn't getting a decent night's sleep.

Olivia was up before Raphael woke up, and Lucy was already there. It was 9:30, and he felt like shit. He knew Olivia not wanting the conversation got to him last night and the fact that he feels like he has a lot to get done with his classes. So he rushed around with a short shower and getting dressed for the day he was hoping to get some time with Noah, and he had about 30 minutes before he needed to head out.

"Everything okay?" Lucy asked.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Raphael asked.

"The look on your face, your stressed, and the fact Olivia rushed out of here this morning." Lucy noted.

"It will be fine." Raphael reassured her.

Raphael sat with Noah talking to him about the cartoon he was watching and what he was going to do with Lucy that day.

"I love you mijo." He said and gave Noah a big hug before leaving for the day.

Raphael met professor Dome in the classroom and talked to her as always after presentation class. She had went over the presentations and how she decided to grade them. She went over the ins and outs of the midterm grades. She had been showing him the online computer system to put up homework and the syllabus and all the other needed things for the year, and he knew he would need a lot more help with it. Profesor Dome told him there were classes available next week, but she would teach him as much as she could. Raphael was happy she was taking an interest and didn't just throw him to the wolves.

Raphael went home that day. He was still mad at Olivia and knew that somehow she was angry too. He hadn't meant to push her, but he just needed to know what she needed from him, and he knew that it was a sensitive topic, but none the less an issue they needed to discuss. He didn't want to make her more upset, so he went ahead and called like he usually did on nights they weren't together.

"Benson," she answered. Raphael wasn't sure if she didn't check the ID, or she said it because she was mad.

"Hey just me. How was your day?" Raphael asked.

Olivia sighed, she had been mad, and she knew he knew she was upset.

"It was alright." Olivia stated.

"I wanted to let you know I still have the intro class I need to work on and I don't know if I'll see you before dinner with James." Raphael stated.

"That's fine," Olivia stated.

"Is it?" Raphael asked.

"Right now yes, it's fine." Olivia stated.

"Liv, I'm sorry if you felt like I tried to push you into a conversation you're not ready to have, but we put the cart before the horse. I am not saying that's your fault I am saying it happened and now we're here." Raphael stated.

"You don't think I don't know that? I'm sorry that I don't want to think about how screwed up I am because of Lewis, and other past issues, I'm sorry I just want to leave it in the past and can't. Every time I think about it, I don't know if I can even be touched again. I'm sorry that a few weeks ago, we had a baby dead because some psyco thought it fit to penetrate a one-year-old and rip her and half. I'm sorry I can't have sex every time you want to because I can't deal with my own issues." Olivia stated quickly but quietly, so Noah wouldn't hear her.

"Liv, that's not how I feel. I know this is hard." Raphael stated.

Raphael could hear her crying, and was already walking out the door to get to her apartment.

"Liv?" Raphael asked.

"Yeah." She asked

"I'll be over soon." Raphael stated.

"No, don't you have a lot on your plate? We can talk later."

"Talking later got us in this argument; besides, I didn't get a lot of time with Noah this morning," Raphael stated as he got into his car.

"Okay, we'll be here." Olivia stated.

She hung up. She hadn't refused him to come over, so he took it as a good sign. He parked on the street, walked up to the apartment.

He knocked lightly Noah still should be up but just in case.

"Hey," Raphael started giving her a half-grin.

"Hey." She stated back.

"Are we okay?" Raphael asked.

"I don't know." She answered truthfully.

"Where's Noah?" He asked.

"In his room playing. You can go see him." Olivia stated.

Raphael went into the little boy's bedroom. Noah was surprised to see him.

"I thought that mommy said you wouldn't get to be here for a few days." Noah stated.

"Yeah that's what I thought, too, but sometimes priorities change, and I need to be here right now." Raphael explained.

"What are priorities?" Noah asked.

"Well priorities are what the most important things to you are, you and your mom are my top priority." Raphael stated.

"Mommy is upset today." Noah stated.

"Yeah, she is," Raphael stated.

"Is that why you came over tonight?" Noah asked.

"Yes and the fact I didn't get much time with you this morning." Raphael stated.

"Will you make mommy feel better?" Noah asked.

"I'm going to try." Raphael replied.

"Why don't you and me and your mom go cuddle on the couch and watch something on TV?" Raphael stated.

"Can we have ice-cream? Noah asked excitingly.

"That's up to your mom," Raphael stated.

Noah went out to be with his mom, and Olivia snuggled tightly to her little boy. She had relaxed as they watched SpongeBob on the TV. It was getting late, but Olivia was trying to delay the inevitable and let Noah watch cartoons until he fell asleep on the couch. It was 9:30. Raphael carried the little boy to his room. Olivia walked in, kissed the boy's forehead, and they closed the door.

"Raphael. I really don't want to do this right now." Olivia stated.

"Liv, I know that I know this is a conversation you don't want to have and I am not asking for everything tonight. I am asking to keep moving forward." Raphael stated.

"I don't know if I can right now." Olivia stated. She felt the tears falling down her face.

"Okay, Liv fine! just call me when you want to talk." Raphael stated.

He got up to leave tears falling down his face as he heard Olivia cry out in a sob. He wanted to be able to walk out that door and stomp down to the car, but he couldn't. He turned around.

Olivia not able to catch her breath as she tried resisted to urge to scream out.

Raphael came hugged her tightly, and she clung to him.

"Liv, I love you, but you need to breathe." Raphael stated.

Olivia shook her head yes and agreed to try to take breathes in through her nose and out of her mouth.

His tears were falling, but he wasn't crying. He was afraid for her. He was worried that she was going to give this up. Her grip had lessened, and her sobs stopped. She still was wrapped around him, though, and getting strength by his comfort.

"Rafa, can we go lay down? I can't talk to you about all of it tonight but I'll talk." Olivia stated.

Raphael got up and followed her to the bedroom. He had some clothes there already he took off his shirt and grabbed some pajama pants. Olivia was already dressed for bed and got under the covers. Raphael's bare chest was comforting as she laid her head on it, not able to look into his eyes. She drew shapes on his chest and stomach as she started the conversation.

"I thought that with you, things would be different," Olivia stated.

Raphael tensed at her words.

"Lewis isn't my first run-in with someone going after me. Lewis was the worst by far, and you know that story. I still have nightmares, especially when we get a perp who had done something similar or throws their arrogance. Sometimes when we catch someone, and the jury comes back not guilty, I get a twist in my stomach wondering if they will be the next person to come after me or someone else I love. " Olivia stated.

"You know I watched what he did he raped her and killed her, I can still hear the screams sometimes." Olivia stated.

"Sometimes, after I'm done with sex, I feel guilty. Like its not something I should enjoy." Olivia stated.

Raphael was putting his hands through her hair and just kept listening.

"I've never felt that way with you." Olivia quickly added.

"I just sometimes can't get things out of my head," Oliva stated.

She took another deep breath.

"I hope this isn't a deal-breaker, but I can't regularly have oral sex with you," Olivia stated.

"I was sexually assaulted at Sealview 8 years ago, and I still have some issues." Olivia stated.

Raphael stopped when he heard the words sexual assault, not sure what she meant by it.

"Liv, what happened?" Raphael asked.

"Long story short, Fin and I were undercover I was prisoner he was a guard. There was talk about staff sexually abusing and even killing inmates. I went in with Fin, for a long time he was the only one who knew what happened. Harris, a CO there told me I was causing a riot I thought he was taking me solitary, but he took me into the basement to rape me. I tried to getaway. I ended up cuffed by the door. Fin had attempted to find me and couldn't. Right before he stuck his penis in my mouth, Fin opened the door." Olivia stated.

"What happened to him?" Raphael asked.

"He was charged with the rape and murder of an inmate." Olivia stated.

"You never?" Raphael asked.

"No. I didn't want anyone to know." Olivia stated.

Raphael continued to put his hands through her hair.

"I know it was a long time ago most of the time it does not affect me no baring of my day to day life but other days especially when I've been in a relationship I realize how fucked up this all is and how is it that someone could stay if I couldn't even..." Olivia stumbled off, stopping the thought.

"Hey don't think like that Liv, I already told you, you're enough." Raphael stated.

"But am I?" Olivia asked.

"Is it fair to you that it took me over a week to even think of sex as an enjoyable activity after that little girl?" Olivia asked.

"Yes, it's fair to me because if you're not getting any enjoyment, I'm not either. This goes both ways. I want you to be happy and comfortable doing whatever we're doing." Raphael stated.

"You know anything overly dominating is out." Olivia asked.

"Figured as much, but to be honest after becoming an ADA with you, my tastes have changed I can't say I'm into that either." Raphael stated.

"You can't just surprise me either, by starting to grab at me touching me, coming up from behind." Olivia stated.

"Okay" Raphael stated.

"Please don't call it making love, Lewis..." She stated but didn't finish her comment.

"That won't be a problem." Raphael stated.

"And if I looked panicked touching my face isn't helpful makes it worse. Just call out to me." Olivia stated.

"I can do that." Raphael stated.

"For now, that's the big things," Olivia stated.

"Alright Liv, thanks for talking to me." Raphael stated.

"I feel bad you already have a lot on your plate, and I shouldn't burden you. I'm sorry you came over here. You're so far behind, and that's on me." Olivia stated as she moved over to her side of the bed.

"It's on me. I have all day tomorrow. I have a few hours between professor Domes classes to read, I don't think she will mind me working during her classes. She is doing presentations this week, so there isn't a lot going on. Besides, you and Noah come first, and I don't want you to think you are second fiddle to work." Raphael stated.

"Thanks for being here." Olivia stated.

Raphael smiled and kissed her. It was needy and yearning, it was to ensure Olivia that he loved her.