Olivia was officially exhausted after the conversation. She had to admit she felt better, but the images she had conjured up in her mind wouldn't allow her to sleep. Raphael attempted to get her to relax, but she couldn't. He felt terrible about bringing it up but felt better having another piece of the puzzle that was Olivia Benson.
Morning came, and Raphael had slept in. Olivia knew Amanda was coming to get Noah at 8:30 AM. She had drug herself out of bed with little sleep. She made coffee and took a quick shower dressing for the day. Noah had woken up just before Amanda and Jesse knocking on the door. Olivia smiled at Amanda and Jesse. Amanda smiled for a second, then frowned.
"Is everything okay, no offense, but you look like shit." Amanda stated.
"Yeah… Hey Noah, why don't you show Jesse your new dinosaurs." Olivia asked.
"Okay!" Noah stated and drug Jesse into his room.
Olivia drank her coffee, and took deep breaths knowing Amanda would understand, more than anyone, she would know where Olivia was coming from.
"You know how Raphael is, once he gets something in his mind…" Olivia stated.
Amanda just slowly nodded.
"I'm an idiot and thought he would be just like Brian or Ed." Olivia started.
Amanda had no idea where Olivia was going with this, so she stayed silent waiting for her boss to tell her what was happening.
"After Lewis Brian didn't push. He didn't really ask anything but told me he was there. He was there when he could be and took a long time for anything to happen between us, but it did, and he let me do whatever never questioned it. When I asked him to stop or told him I couldn't do something, he would say okay. I know it frustrated him, but he never asked why or tried to help me through it. Then with Ed, he treated me like I was made of glass for the first few months. I had tried so hard to get over my past that I let him do whatever he wanted, we had a few issues, but I usually held back telling him anything other than the fact I couldn't let him pin me down or corner me. He let me lead most of the time, and when I didn't, he didn't care too much about how I felt. Not that he ever did anything I didn't want, I never said no, I never told him to stop it's just sometimes he was very one-sided." Olivia stated quickly.
"Now with Raphael, I know he cares, and he has thought about it. I told him we had to have a few conversations before anything happened, and we did, but you know one thing leads to another and before I knew it, we were sleeping together, and I never told him certain things, and on two occasions, he scared the shit out of me. Of course, he wanted to know why, and how to fix it. He wanted to know what happened so he wouldn't hurt me again and insisted we discuss it. So needless to say, after our conversation last night the past ten years of my life has flashed before my eyes." Olivia stated.
"I'm sorry Liv, why don't you take a day and come out with us. It will make you feel better." Amanda stated.
"I know, but I really need to get on the Muchin case. Maybe I'll take off early when I'm done with the paperwork." Olivia stated.
"Okay just let me know, and we can meet up somewhere." Amanda stated.
"Sounds good, Coffee?" Olivia asked.
Amanda nodded.
Raphael heard giggles, and it woke him up. He wished he could sleep more, but he looked at the clock, and it was already 8:45. He groaned and scrubbed his face he hadn't slept well in the past two days and has since piled up a large amount of work he needed to get done for his classes. He stood up and smelled coffee wafting from the kitchen. He walked into the kitchen, forgetting that Amanda and Jessie were coming. He still didn't have a shirt on and blushed when he saw Amanda in the kitchen.
"Morning Barba," Amanda stated.
"Liv can we talk a second?" Raphael asked.
Olivia could see the sleep deprivation in his eyes as well and nodded, taking his hand and leading them back into the bedroom. He quickly got a shirt on and got dressed for the day.
"I didn't mean to make you have a horrible night's sleep, and I know you're still upset with me. I want you to know that I didn't do it to hurt you." Raphael stated.
"I know it's just a lot to think about at once, I can compartmentalize all this pretty well but once the damn breaks its always a flood of emotion and I can't be in control, and I hate that I can't be in control of it." Olivia stated.
Raphael hugged her tight and rubbed her back.
"You know you can call and talk to me about however your feeling whenever you're feeling it." Raphael stated.
"Yeah, I know," Liv stated.
She glanced at the clock, knowing she was going to be late.
"I really need to get going," Olivia stated.
"Please, Liv, don't close me out," Raphael stated.
"I'll try not too," Olivia stated.
She kissed his lips lightly. She walked back to Noah's room. He was still playing with Jesse; she told him goodbye and said she would be home as soon as she could. She said goodbye to Amanda and walked out the door. Raphael came out fully dressed this time with the coffee in his hand.
"Hey, Liv told me about last night, you know that took a lot out of her," Amanda said.
"I know, I just can't be wondering every moment if I am doing something wrong, I don't want to constantly retraumatize her," Raphael stated.
"Don't you think she would tell you if you were," Amanda asked.
Raphael looked at her and didn't say a word.
"Look Olivia trusts you more than she did Brian or Ed, or probably any other guys she's needs to give her some credit," Amanda stated.
"I know it's not just her," Raphael stated.
"You don't trust yourself around her?" Amanda asked.
"Not entirely, I'll save you the details, but I went all out, wasn't even thinking the other day, and I know it wasn't the most comfortable feeling for her…"Raphael trailed off.
"So it got a little rough it happens, did she stop it or tell you no?" Amanda asked.
"Well no, but," Raphael stated.
"Did you ask her if she liked it?" Amanda asked.
"No," Raphael stated again.
"What if that's what she is into and now you questioning, it makes her feel bad because maybe she thinks she shouldn't," Amanda stated.
"I never, I guess it's possible," Raphael said as he rubbed his neck.
"Has she said anything about it?" Raphael blushed a deep red when he asked.
"We're not that close Barba, but I am willing to bet if she didn't like it, she would have told you," Amanda stated.
"Yeah, okay, maybe it's my turn to talk," Raphael stated.
He finished his coffee.
Noah was, and Jesse both said they were hungry.
Raphael smiled.
"Let me make breakfast then I really need to get started, or I'm going to have 55 undergrads with nothing to do but twiddle their thumbs and go on law school tours for the whole fall semester," Raphael stated.
"You don't have to. I was planning on taking them for pancakes." Amanda stated.
"No need. I'll make them some." Raphael stated.
He searched through the cabinet and found chocolate chips. He mixed the batter and poured it in the pan.
Noah sat on the stool patiently.
"Are you coming with Jesse and Aunt Amanda?" Noah asked.
"I am so sorry, Mijo, but no, not today. I have a lot of work to catch up on, but I will see you tomorrow night with Lucy and James. When school gets back and session, I will have a lot more time just you and me, okay." Raphael stated.
Noah seemed excited about the prospect. Amanda was happy that Liv had someone for Noah but wished she could find someone for Jesse. She knew she could take care of her on her own, but it would be nice to have a strong man in her life too. She watched as Raphael continued to interact with Noah and Jesse. Jesse was a sticky mess with chocolate all over her face and hands. She was reaching out to Raphael for another pancake and stuck her chocolate, syrupy hands all over his shirt.
Amanda was about to yell at her when Raphael did nothing but laugh and give the girl another pancake. Noah Benson had changed him. If this was last year, she was sure he would have immediately taken it to the dry cleaner and expect her to foot the bill. Barba asked her a few questions about work and home, nothing overly personal. He made sure Noah scrubbed his face and hands from the sticky substance and helped Jesse with her mess. Amanda was impressed. They were walking out the door.
"Rafa, can we show Jesse your park one day?" Noah asked.
"Of course, but today isn't the day. You be good for aunt Amanda, okay. I need to go." Raphael stated.
He put the dishes in the dishwasher and made sure the door was locked behind them
AN: I know this is short but will update soon, maybe even later today, if not Saturday there will be an update for sure.
