Disclaimer: Life would be soo much more fun, but I don't own.
To live and laugh
(Around S.6 ep. 4/5)
-o0O0o-
There is a reason why Tella doesn't laugh. And a reason why she should.
Learning it again is the hardest part.
-o0O0o-
„You're coming, too?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"To our anniversary," Amy clarified. "Do you come?"
"You want me to join a human social gathering in honour of your marriage?"
"Yes!"
"I don't think this is a good idea."
The Doctor was right, Tella did say that often. Often enough for Amy to know how to continue that conversation to avoid frustration. "Why not?"
"I have no idea how to act accordingly on such occasion."
Ok. Or not.
"Are you using your ali- different upbringing as an excuse not to spend time with us?"
"It is not an excuse. And you know I very much do enjoy spending time with the both of you, Amelia," Tella reasoned.
"Then there's no problem. They put up with the Doctor. They'll love you," Rory chimed in.
"I am still married, Roderick. I will certainly not search for… This is not amusing. I… Oh."
Her eyes glittered, and the corner of her mouth slipped up into what could become a smile, before her face became expressionless again.
"Why did you just do that," Amy blurred out.
"I beg your pardon?"
Rory flinched. He knew exactly what Amy was talking about. It was one of Tella's quips they came to accept with her. But his wife suddenly wanted to know. This was definitely going to turn the conversation into a direction they weren't able to handle.
"Why are you always force yourself not to smile. You can loosen up, you know. We won't judge you. We never did when you showed emotions so far."
Tella sighted. "Have you ever considered that Time Lords do not process the same emotional range than humans do?"
"Now you're downright lying."
"I do not," Tella defended curtly. "There might be similarities, especially because we are able to … let's call it reprogram our brain cells, and thus capable of learning them. But nothing noteworthy to your hormone driven reproductive frenzy."
Direct hit. They got her angry, great.
Amy narrowed her eyes. "Oh. As far as I remember you are the one needing so called detachment training. You know, I think you are just wired up into outdated rules of…."
"Amy," Rory interrupted. "Can we have a second."
Amy stopped and stared at him baffled. He added a silent "please", and after a second, she nodded and left the room.
Tella mustered him. He opened his mouth, then stopped. What the hell should he say? He had sent Amy out, because he slowly got the feeling this was a matter she wouldn't understand. But it was extremely awkward, and he was surprised that it had worked. Ok, he was surprised he did it in the first place.
He had the strong urge to apologize, but that would close the matter and it would never come up again. Then again, he could be wrong, and it wasn't even about that.
"You are allowed to have fun," he clumsily explained, taking a blind shot.
Tella smiled her polite empty smile. "I am aware of that, thank you Roderick. The Doctor and I have already debated this to all extend. There is no need to discuss the matter further."
"The Doctor had never fun killing his opponents."
Tella's eyes gleamed, her lips thinned, and her hand flew to her necklace. She said nothing. Rory carefully went on.
"You feel like a murderer, not understanding the joy you found in the moment when you did it. I only fought in a few battles over history, I was more busy with guarding that damn box. I remember not much, but the games are not easy to forget. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, with all the values and ideals you always talk about. Realizing you can be the exact opposite of it." He came closer.
"I think you should live your live, properly. You are allowed to have fun."
"How can I ever," she whispered, motionless starring ahead.
She was completely broken. Rory have had no Idea how deep the damage went, none of them had.
She had thrown her name away out of self-hatred, she had dedicated her whole life to remembering the dead and forgotten. She never allowed herself to properly laugh because she had laughed when she took a life. A lot of lives. She had lost everything, even herself. She was clutching herself with bloodied fingertips onto the little remains she had left of what she was supposed to be, even if she disliked the person offering those remains.
"Listen and feel, to remember and to teach the memories of the stories," he silently reminded her.
She laughed at his botched attempt to remember the exact words, "Nearly."
He waved dismissively. "You know what I mean. And you know what? That's completely enough."
He helt her piercing gaze confidently for a long time. The she stared to play with her necklace, not only clutching it, and looked away. "You are an incredible being, Rory Williams."
Another silence, then: "I enjoy spending time with both of you. It is truly wonderful. I just simply cannot laugh."
"I think you will. In time."
"Never," declared Tella.
"That's a pretty strong word coming from a basically immortal being."
"I am not immortal, Rory! I mustn't." she added softer.
Shit. Everything he did, only sent her deeper that downward spiral. How was she able to get out of this? She somehow must be, she had been alone on Naar. And yet, he didn't want to leave her alone. Then he remembered something. Well, here went nothing. It couldn't get any worse.
"Kelliox loved jokes, didn't he."
She stiffened. "How do you know that."
"You're used to people not reacting to your humor. That implies either a very sad relationship or a lot of insiders."
Tella loosened her necklace and stared at the pendant. It was the first time Rory saw her taking it down. "Amelia does have a point with that set of behavioural rules. There is a traditional expected behavior, which I do follow. Kelliox of course did, too. She was always well respected. But she was what you humans call a ray of sunshine. An optimistic genius who perfectly danced on the thin border of what was socially acceptable without ever crossing it. Especially her fifth regeneration. One time, she had built an AI in the form of a – a fox. The guards had to hunt it down for three days straight before they realized it had a time ring it and was able to shift to wherever it wanted in that close range."
Rory raised his eyebrows. It worked. "No way."
"You should have seen the faces of these Pydorians and Arcal in the Panopticon."
She snorted and burrowed her eyes in her hand. Silent chuckles escaped her and Rory grinned. Until he saw the tear dropping down.
She wasn't chuckling.
The Storyteller was silently sobbing.
"Tella," he whispered. "I'm sorry, I…"
She shook her head and rubbed her eyes. "No. No, it I who must apologize. I'm a sentimental old woman. That's all." She fastened the necklace in well-practiced movements around her collar. "May you excuse me, please?"
"Sure."
What else could he say.
She smiled reasoning and left the room. The next two hours the whole TARDIS was filled with the silent etherical sounds of her playing her harp.
-o0O0o-
Nick laughed and took another sip of this cocktail. It was a wonderful warm summer-day, perfectly made for a barbecue. He and his wife had been surprised when the invitation came, there was only loose contact between them and the Williams. Then again, they always had a good friendship with the young couple, rooting way back into Rory's time at the medical school.
"From a small seed, a mighty trunk will grow." He mumbled absentminded.
"Aischylos," somebody behind him commented.
He turned. "Sorry?"
"Aeschylus," the young woman repeated, this time using the more familiar Latin version of the name. "The quote. My deepest apologies if I interrupted anything. You have an interest in greek poetry?"
Caught unaware he chuckled. "Oh no. The person with the finer tastes for something like that is my wife, I'm afraid. I'm just an old fool, trying to sound sage by sprouting sayings of man wiser than me."
"Surprisingly, my husband would have said the exact same."
Edith laughed and stretched out her hand. "Edith Melburn. No, not like the town. My husband Nick. There are not many people able to quote ancient poets, nowadays."
She looked certainly like somebody to be interested in something like that. She was young, around Amy's age, but he had never seen her in the town before. She looked out of place with her extravagant clothing, but then again, the Williams did know some rather… interesting people.
She completely ignored the hand and bowed her head. "A pleasure to meet you. I am slowly working myself through the epochs. May I…"
"Tella?"
Amy stopped at their cocktail table, with a wide grin on her face. "You came!"
The woman, Tella apparently, bowed her head again. "Amelia. It is custom to congratulate, if my research proofs to be correct."
Yes, definitely one of their stranger friends.
"You really did research etiquette?"
"As I pointed out before, I do not wish to embarrass you by being a boorish guest. That duty falls to the Doctor." She added with a small smile.
Nicks eyes involuntarily glanced to the infamous man, currently literally rummaging through the buffet with the cakes, pulling every plate up to his nose and sniffing it before placing it down at a completely different location on the table. He settled on the cherry chocolate one with a satisfied smirk. He wouldn't call him embarrassing, simply strange. But apparently that was some joke, because Amy rose her eyebrows.
"I'm impressed!
"I completely botched it."
"No, no! You smiled, it worked perfectly. It's an insider."
Tella's hand touched her collar for a second, the she abruptly changed the topic. "I was trying to initiate a conversation by talking about poetry."
Amy's eyes shined. "You couldn't have found somebody better for it. Edith is the towns head librarian and even published a few books, both interpretations of old and her own stuff."
"I wasn't aware you were friends with such interesting people, Amelia."
"I'm friends with you," she winked, and again Tella's hand shot to her collar.
Amy ignored it and clapped Nick on his shoulder. "By the way, did I mention Nick's the local professor for quantum physics?"
He didn't like the raised eyebrow and that glow in those eyes one bit.
-o0O0o-
"Thank you," Amy gripped his hand and hold it longer than necessary.
"Thank you," Nick smiled back. "It was a wonderful party. I would say we definitely need to see each other more often, but well. We know how it goes."
Amy nodded. "That, too. But… I actually meant Tella."
Edith grinned. "She's brilliant."
"Yeah. Just a bit unsure of herself," Nick added. "She can be great one day. I think we both hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. And she still has her whole life before her."
Amy hesitated. "Sort of. Yes. She had a really hard time the last few… years. She's normally not a person to come to parties like this. So, thanks for taking care of her and breaking the ice a bit."
"So that girl-in-the-ivory-tower feeling I had with her was not just something I imagined," Edith carefully probed.
"No. She lives for her stories. Literally."
Edith and Nick shared a glance, then the old woman took Amy's hands in hers. "You need to promise me to take care of her. She was hurt, very badly. You can feel that when talking to her, a young woman like that shouldn't have these old eyes. But when you and later Rory where there, they became young. You are good friends."
Amy smiled, remembering a pick-nick on a planet made of crystal and Tella's pure joy when they realized, those crystals made sounds when gently knocked against them. "I promise. Actually, today was a huge step."
Nick chuckled, then remembered something and pulled a silver business card box out of his jacket.
"Would you give her that, I've forgotten." He flashed her his card and of course, Amy took it.
The good bye needed a few more minutes, then they were gone.
Amy returned to the kitchen, where Tella dutifully helped Rory filling the dishwasher. The Doctor was outside with the other guests. "You don't need to do that."
"I told her sixteen times," Rory huffed good naturally.
"I wish to do it," Tella defended, the added after a while: "I enjoy helping you. Besides, I am here to celebrate you. On Gallifrey, the person celebrated never has to organise or do something, it is in their honour, after all."
"That's depending on where you are in the world, too, " Rory noted.
Amy waved the card. "Nick asked me to give you that. It's a business card."
Tella cleaned her hands, then slipped on her gloves. "A business card? Why would he give me something like that?"
"Because you obviously left such an impression, they wish to hold contact with you in the future. They had a lot of fun and I think they really care about you."
Tella carefully took the piece of cardboard in her right hand, her left finger brushing over the ink of the data. As if it was some fragile construct, able to disappear or break any time.
"It was … fun," she finally admitted. "I think… I think I will keep that. Yes. I will keep that, so we can repeat this. If we are able to repeat this."
She looked down again, again inspecting the card and clearly admiring it.
Amy glanced to Rory, who nodded back. They had a long way to go. Neither of them had the illusion that she not needed to work on herself long after Amy and he were gone. But after that blind trial and error of the last year, Rory somehow had finally found the way to help her whit that peep talk he wouldn't explain.
But it had convinced Tella to come here.
So, perhaps her and the Doctor could find finally a way, too.
AN:
I hate how this chapter turned out. I think it's the first time I'm not comfortable posting something I wrote on this story. But I rewrote this so often, I am simply done with it.
It's the first time Tella interacts with somebody outside of the TARDIS without being forced by the circumstances to interact. On her own accords.
There's a huge difference between allowing yourself to laugh and doing things you enjoy. She doesn't laugh here, no. But she slowly gains the mindset, that it's ok for her to laugh. I hope I was able to catch a bit of that, even if I don't feel like I did at all.
The last update lost me some favs but gained me another followers, so thanks to AK47 with a dash of AR15 and shoutout to dcsvg1933 for being number 20.
Also we are in the third year of this fic and only one more chapter and the jumping around is done.
Thanks for staying with me, over the chaos and perhaps unexpected developments.
Greetings
alkatie
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