TW- Suicidal Thoughts
Chapter 9
They were running, running, running as fast as they could. Panic, fear, terror. The ponies galloped on, trying to outrun what was chasing them….
Ashima woke with a start in a cold sweat, her heart racing and her breathing fast as she sat up. It's just a dream, it's just a dream. She reminded herself, forcing her breathing to be come steady. It's alright, your okay.
A light flicked on, Dashi hopped out of bed and walked over to the filly. 'Are you okay Ashima?'
She nodded after a moment, forcing herself to calm down. 'Just a dream. Sorry I woke you.'
'It's alright, don't worry about me.' She placed her paw on the filly, she could feel her quivering. 'What was it about?'
'Don't want to talk about it.' Ashima replied quietly, refusing to look at her. 'I'll be fine in a minute.'
Dashi thought for a moment then went to her bed and grabbed her pillow, flicking off the light as she did so. She returned to the filly, placing her pillow down on the bed they'd made for the filly on the floor. She saw the look on the filly's face and started to explain. 'When my little sister used to have bad dreams she'd wake me up and snuggle up to me. She said it helped keep the bad dreams away.'
The filly was about to reply with something sarcastic to keep up the façade that she didn't need it, didn't want it but she did. She sighed heavily. 'Thank you.'
'That's what friends are for.' She smiled, rubbing her neck as she laid down beside her. 'Do you think you can go back to sleep now?'
'Maybe.'
'Would you like me to stroke your mane?'
She nodded. 'Your too kind Dashi, thank you.' The dog smiled and the filly laid back down, closing her eyes. It felt good, her stroking her mane. Slowly she started to relax, finally able to get back to sleep after sometime.
Dashi waited until the filly was deeply asleep then she laid back, staring up at the roof. This wasn't the first time the filly had woken from a dream, they'd been sharing the room for nearly a week already. The filly had been waking up constantly, sometimes twice or three times a night. This time however had been the worst. The filly had actually been shaking, almost verging on a panic attack to her.
She made a note to tell the Captain about it, something was obviously upsetting her and badly. Slowly she found herself drifting back off to sleep, hoping that both her and the filly got some rest.
Dasi was up with her alarm clock, quickly getting up to turn it off before it woke the filly. Glancing back at her she sighed in relief, the filly was still asleep. Thank goodness. Watching her though she could see even in sleep she seemed troubled, a deep frown on her brow as she mumbled something she couldn't make out.
Quietly she went to the bathroom and had a quick shower and readied herself for the day, the filly still sleeping soundly as she walked back out. Best to let her sleep I think. She though, watching her for a moment then softly left her room.
Barnacles was already in the HQ when she walked in, watching the ocean as he drank his morning hot chocolate. Hearing footsteps behind him he glanced back. 'Morning Dashi.'
'Morning Captain.'
'You look like you had a hard night.'
'Yeah, Ashima had another nightmare and woke me up on accident. She was on the verge of a panic attack she was.' She sighed, taking her seat in front of the computers. 'It's been happening every night, sometimes two or three times. Last night was the worst though, she was actually shaking and drenched in sweat.'
He thought for a moment. 'Any idea what it was about?'
'No Captain. I tried talking to her but she wouldn't say anything. I'm worried about her to be honest, it isn't healthy for her not being able to sleep-' She covered her mouth with her paw as she yawned. 'Or me.'
'I'll try talking to her about it but I don't know if I'll get any answers out of her either.' A few brightly coloured fish swam past and he watched them for a moment before he continued. 'I've been getting the feeling she's been slightly trying to avoid me since I spoke to her the other week.'
'You haven't told her yet she's able to stay?'
'She hasn't stayed around long enough for me too-' He sighed. 'I thought I'd be able to get somewhere with her by now but apparently not. Maybe I should just stick to being the Captain.'
Dashi chuckled, shaking her head. 'Patience, Captain, Patience. If going off her behavior is anything to go by that filly has been through a lot. You can't expect her to just open up and spill everything.'
'Your probably right there Dashi.'
'Aren't I always right?' She teased then turned serious. 'My advice would be don't try and fix her, because no one can. Just be a friend, be there for her, try and get her involved in things. Tweak mentioned yesterday that she's almost finished with her helmet and a couple other things for her, maybe you could give her diving lessons or such to start building a relationship with her.'
Barnacles nodded after a moment. 'That's a good idea Dashi. Thank you.'
'Always happy to help. I really like Ashima, I think the rest of the crew is warming to her too, especially the Vegimals.'
'They warm to everyone.' He chuckled. 'Not every one though Dashi, Kwazii is feeling a bit out of place with her being so scared of him. I tried talking to him about it but I don't think he quite understood what I was meaning.'
'What do you make of her fear of him?'
'Remi mentioned when we first met her about pirates attacking the ship they were on. Ashima hasn't told me anything but I have a feeling that the shipwreck we found near the island was probably their ship-'
'And with how badly Ashima was banged up it's probably safe to say she was in the middle of the attack.' She sighed. 'I have a feeling there's a lot of secrets and not so nice memories hidden behind her eyes. I couldn't imagine what being on a ship attacked by pirates must have been like.'
'I don't blame her for her fear of Kwazii if we're correct either. I had a run in with pirates once before I joined the octonauts. Almost didn't get out of it alive.'
'You've never mentioned that before.'
'It's not something I like reliving-' He shivered at the thought of his time being a pirate's prisoner. It had been hard for him to trust Kwazii too when he'd first joined the crew but he'd been willing to give him a chance and was glad he did too. 'And I don't talk about it.'
'Maybe you could try and use your experience and what you went through to reach Ashima.'
'I'll think about that.'
She glanced at her watch then stood up. 'I better go check on her.'
'And Peso and I better be moving too. Peso-'
She slid through the octochute down to the second floor then headed up to her room. Quietly entering she saw the filly still fast asleep but this time with tears down her cheek. She wished there was something she or the crew could do but until the filly let someone in there was nothing they could do. She was trying to do it on her own and it was visible that it was breaking her in the process. You poor thing.
It was a little after lunch time that the filly stirred, her rumbling stomach and the smell of food teasing her brought her to her senses.
'I wondered when you'd be up.' Dasi smiled kindly, sitting on her bed where she'd been reading a book and waiting for the girl to wake. 'Tunip brought you up some kelp cakes for lunch.'
'Mmm, is that what I can smell?' She stood up then chuckled as she saw her reflection in the mirror. 'Why is it called beauty sleep if you wake up like this?'
'I am still yet to figure that out. Come have your lunch.'
'Thanks.' She shook vigorously to get her hair and fur back as they should be then looked again in the mirror. 'Better.' She walked over to the desk where the plate of cakes sat and hungrily ate a couple. 'Sorry about waking you last night.'
'Don't be Ashima. I know you've had a rough time.'
She smiled sadly, thankful that the dog wasn't upset with her disturbing her sleep. 'Your too kind.'
'I have been told that before.' Dashi laughed as she got out her camera. 'Once you finish, how about we do that photoshoot I promised you?'
'Sure.' She nodded, finishing off her lunch. 'But I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to fix my hair.'
'No problems. Which colour hair flower do you want today?'
'Purple.' The filly decided, walking over to her. 'I wish I had paws.'
'You say that everyday.' She laughed as she grabbed a brush. 'Somehow I don't think it's going to happen.'
'Me neither. I just hate having to get other people to help me with things I could do with paws. These hooves-' She kicked out a front leg. 'While they might be great for running, they're not so great for doing other things. I hate being a burden.'
'Oh, your not a burden. Trust me.' She fixed her hair and put the flower in then grabbed her camera. 'Say 'Seaweed.''
Ashima chuckled, smiling as she tossed her head and Dashi took some photos. Suddenly a siren began to sound, the filly snorting and flicking her ears, quivering. 'W-What's that?'
'That's the Octoalert-' She replied as the Captain came over the intercom.
'Octonauts, to the launch bay!'
Dashi placed her camera down on her bed, then quickly hurried down the octochute. The filly followed, wondering what was going on. Arriving at the launch bay she saw the other Octonauts gathered around the big computer screen, the Captain speaking through the radio.
'Octonauts, the Gup E has crashed, Peso and I are going to need some help getting back to the Octopod.'
Dasi quickly pressed some buttons, getting up the map. 'We'll have to hurry before the Gup E is hit by another giant chunk of ice. It could break the Gup.'
'That's the problem. The Gup E is stuck inside a giant chunk of ice.'
'And we can't get it out.' Peso added.
Tunip fainted, the filly catching him before he hit the ground. She snorted, the Vegimal resting against her head and it woke him up. 'Good thing I was behind you.' She chuckled.
'Hang on matey's-' Kwazii exclaimed. 'I'll come out in the Gup C to give you a tow.'
'I hope you can find us Kwazii.' He held up the gup finder. 'The crash damaged our gup finder and we're drifting pretty quickly.'
'No worries matey's, I'm on my way.' He dashed into the Gup C, doing a somersault into the Gup then closed the windscreen. 'Open the octohatch Tweak.'
'You got it Kwazii.'
The filly flicked her ears back, watching the whole proceedings with intent interest. The gup disappeared under the water then the Octonauts started to leave. Dashi dashed upstairs, the others heading back to whatever they'd been doing. Ashima sighed, alone again. She walked to the water, staring at her reflection. What was the point? She didn't belong here. There was no point her being here.
Head down, she started back up to Dashi's room. There was no point in her living any longer….
The filly lay in bed that night, her eyes closed but not asleep. Kwazii had found the Captain, both he and Peso were fine but the filly felt so useless and out of place. There was no purpose for her here, there was no purpose for her anywhere. The Captain had tried to speak to her again but she'd brushed it off. No, her mind was made up. It wasn't worth her living anymore.
She waited until Dashi was sound asleep then slid out from under her blanket and got up. It was pitch black but she could see in the darkness, slipping quietly to the door. Cautiously she headed down the stairs and found herself on the second floor. She sighed, her head down. What was she thinking? She wasn't. She couldn't think. She just wanted this ache inside her to end with all her heart. She just wanted the pain to end.
Quietly she slipped down the deserted corridors, not wishing to wake anyone. No one needed to know about the battle inside her, the demons that plagued her day and night. She just wanted it to end- She found herself walking up another set of stairs, walking into the deserted game pod and sighed. This pain, these demons, they were tearing herself apart. She walked to the glass, pressing her head against it. What could she do to make this pain end? There was no other way out she could see. She just wanted the pain to end-
Would anyone notice- She stared out into the blackness of the ocean surrounding her, tears running down her face. If tonight I disappeared? Would anyone chase me, And say the words that I need to hear? That I'm no burden, Not so worthless. Bent so much that I just might break. All-consuming, So confusing. The questions that keep me awake.
Would anyone care, would anyone cry-
Something woke Dashi, the dog sitting up. Her heart was racing, her breath was coming quick. Something was wrong, she could feel it. She flicked the light on, glancing over at where the filly should lie- her bed was empty, she wasn't there.
Quickly she got up, rubbing her eyes as she walked over to the bathroom to make sure the filly wasn't in there. She wasn't. She wasn't in her pod. What had the filly mentioned in passing as a jest? That her life wasn't worth living? Fear clutched at her heart and she hurried to the intercom. 'Captain, come in. Come in Captain.'
Barnacles stirred, yawning as he heard Dashi and he stood up, walking over to the intercom. 'What's wrong?'
'It's Ashima Captain, she's not here. I don't know where she is.'
He sighed, rubbing a paw over his head. 'What do you think is wrong?'
'I don't know. She mentioned that her life isn't worth living today but I thought she was joking. I'm worried she might do something, she's really depressed Captain, I don't know what's going on but I think she's ready to give up.'
'I'll get dressed and meet you in the HQ, we'll see if we can find her on the camera's.'
'Alright Captain.' She quickly hurried out of her room, heading straight up to the HQ. Turning the computer on she wished it would hurry up and load. Finally they turned on, just as she heard the Captain walking up behind her. 'I'm getting up the surveillance now Captain.'
Barnacles watched the screen intently as Dashi flicked through the cameras. He'd tried talking to the filly again that afternoon but she'd taken off on him again. There was something in her eyes though, a look that spoke of a battle inside her and yet he hadn't tried to follow her. He'd just let her go. What if Dashi was right? What if the filly didn't want to live anymore? Would she go to that extent to end her pain?'
'Found her Captain!' She exclaimed, the filly just visible on the edge of the camera in the games pod. 'She's in the gaming pod.'
He watched the screen for a moment. The filly looked like she was saying something to the ocean outside the Octopod. 'Can we listen in to what she's saying?'
Dashi clicked a couple more buttons and the filly's sad voice came through the speakers.
If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight?
Would anything change, would you all be just fine?
'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight,
It just might save my life.
She looked up at the Captain, the two of them exchanging a worried look. 'We better go do something.'
'Agreed.'
Would anyone want me- She called to the darkness, her heart breaking. If they knew what was inside my head? Would anyone see me-
Barnacles and Dashi heard her over his octo-compass as they hurried to where the filly was.
For the filly that I really am? Memories of her past, the demons that tormented her danced inside her mind, taunting, teasing her. I won't lie, So hard to hide. I've never felt worthy of love. I would give up, Everything I have. Just to feel good enough. Would anyone care, would anyone cry-
They finally reached the gaming pod, stopping just inside the door. The filly didn't even notice they'd arrived, her voice breaking as she sang out her pain and heartbreak.
If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight? She just wanted it to end, it would be so easy for her to end everything. Already her mind was coming up with various scenarios- Would anything change, would you all be just fine? They probably would be. They didn't really care about her, she was just in the way. She was just a burden. 'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight. She sobbed, dropping her head to the floor, her voice a mear whisper again. It just might save my life.
The polar bear stepped forward, placing his paw on the filly's shoulder as she cried. If you're dying inside, Sick of being alive, Let me in, let me share in your pain. The filly looked at him, her tears rolling down her cheeks and he gently wiped them away. From my lungs through the dark, Spoken straight from the heart. Let me give you a reason to stay.
If you're out there still lying awake- Dashi joined in, walking over to them. If you're out there still wondering. Would anyone care, would anyone cry? If you finally gave up and turned out the light? The world would be changed if you left it behind, You can't be replaced, no, tonight is the night. You take back your life.
The filly pressed against them as they hugged her, her tears drenching their fur. She just wanted the pain to end, the aching in her heart to go. She buried her head in the polar bear's chest, gathering strength from his embrace. She felt him rubbing her neck, Dashi was there too singing something softly and after sometime she started to feel better.
'Are you okay Ashima?' Barnacles asked gently when the filly raised her head and he wiped the tears off her face. 'What's going on?'
The filly breathed in deeply then sighed, looking at both him and Dashi. 'I guess it's time for me to tell you my past.'
