Chapter 17

Barnacles didn't leave the filly's bedside that night, keeping careful watch over her in the sickbay. Gently he ran his paw over her neck again, the filly still asleep from the effects of the sedative Peso had administered her. I'm so so sorry Ashima. The words repeated over and over in his mind. It was his fault she'd taken off. He shouldn't have lost his temper with her. It was his fault why he'd almost lost another person dear to him, again. The last time though, they'd died- Don't you dare go anywhere on me Ashima.

'Captain.'

He glanced around to see Inkling coming into the sickbay, taking a seat in the chair beside him. 'Professor.'

'Why don't you go get some rest Captain, I can stay with Ashima.'

'Thank you for the offer but I'm not going anywhere.'

Inkling sighed, looking at the filly then back at the Captain. 'It's not your fault-'

'How isn't it my fault? I got mad with her and she ran off. Doesn't take brains to put the two and two together.'

'Is there something else going on Captain?' He asked carefully after a long pause. 'This isn't entirely about Ashima, is it?'

Barnacles sighed heavily, nodding after a moment. 'I had a daughter once-' He paused to gain control of himself before he broke down. 'I had a wife too. I was young, too young. I was too busy working to notice what was going on in their lives, I didn't notice that our family was falling apart. Lilly, my wife, and I argued whenever we were around each other, more often then not in front of Matilda. She was only six when things really went sour. Lilly threatened to leave, I thought she was joking but she wasn't. When I got home from my work, she'd gone. She'd taken Matilda and boarded a ship-' A single tear rolled down his cheek that he quickly wiped away. 'It sunk in a storm. There were no survivors.'

Inkling nodded at his reply, his expression sympathetic. 'I'm sorry, I don't know what to say.'

'It happened some time ago, Matilda would have been twelve now.' He looked back at the filly. 'I've always been so good at my work yet hopeless when it comes to relationships. I don't want to make the same mistakes with Ashima that I did with them yet look at what's happened-'

'You can't make the future based on the past Captain.' He interjected. 'It doesn't work like that. Take you time, you need to be patient with yourself.'

'Where do I go from here?'

'You could start with an 'I'm sorry', that would be a very good place to begin at.'

'Yeah.' He sighed, gently stroking the filly's neck.

'It takes time and patience Captain.' The octopus placed a tentacle on his shoulder. 'But I have faith in you. You need to have faith in yourself.'


Ashima's eyes fluttered open, glancing around nervously as she came out from under the sedative. How did I end back up at the Octopod?

'Easy, easy Ashima. It's alright.' Barnacles soothed gently, seeing the fear in her eyes. 'Your alright. It's okay.' He stroked her neck softly, the filly eyeing him carefully as her body lay tense under his paw. 'You're alright.'

'Oh, Ashima, you're awake.' Peso exclaimed as he joined them. 'How are you feeling?'

'Sore.' She replied after a moment. 'But I want to go back to my room. I don't want to be in here.'

Peso looked at Barnacles and the Captain nodded. 'Alright Ashima, we'll take you back to your room but after I've looked you over, okay?'

She rolled her eyes. 'Fine.' The polar bear left the room as Peso began his examination, the filly staring up at the ceiling with a million thoughts running through her head. She ignored Peso completely being absorbed in her own mind. Why on earth had they bothered bringing her back? What was the point in trying to save her-

'Ashima?'

Peso calling her name brought her from her stupor, the filly glancing around to look at him. 'Yes?'

'Your wounds are healing up, I'd say a week or so of rest and you'll be just fine. You can head back to your room now if you want. But-' He continued. 'You were extremely lucky Ashima. If we hadn't found you when we did you'd have been a whole lot worse. As it stands your wounds were infected, you were past the point of exhaustion and were severely dehydrated. You've only just finished healing from your last injuries, you need to take things easy.'

Should have just left me out there to die. She rolled her eyes. 'I'll keep that in mind.'

Peso sighed, heading to the door to let the Captain back in. 'Ashima can head to her room now but she is under strict observation and complete bed rest for the next three days order.'

'You won't have to worry about her Peso, I'm not letting her out of my sights any time soon.'

Brilliant.

'I want you to eat and drink regularly-' Peso unhooked the filly's IV but didn't pull the needle from her leg. 'I'll bring up another bag of electrolytes once I've finished with the other patients but you are to eat and drink, understood?'

'Don't have a choice now, do I?'

'Nope, you don't.' Barnacles replied half teasingly but with a hint of athoritivaness as he went to pick her up. 'Up you come.'

'I can walk-'

'Your under Medic orders for bedrest-' He replied, Peso chuckling as he headed out with the filly in his strong arms. 'And that means no walking.'

Ashima hung her head with a sigh. 'The humiliation never ends.'

'You and I will be having a little chat later.' The polar bear added as they entered his room, the Captain carrying the filly into her side of the room and laid her down on her bed. 'But right now I'm putting in an order for some breakfast for you-' The filly rolled her eyes. 'And you will eat it.'

What's the big deal? She wondered, staring out the window into the ocean. Why are they all so Damn worried about me? They don't really care about me, do they?


Barnacles put a paw to his lips later that afternoon as Kwazii came into his room, motioning towards the sleeping filly then towards his side of the pod. 'What's on your mind Kwazii?'

'It's about her, actually.' He glanced at the filly for a moment then turned back to the Captain. 'Is now a good time to talk?'

The polar bear shrugged. 'Sure, we'll just have to keep it down so we don't wake her.'

'Understood.' The cat nodded, taking a seat on the captain's desk chair while the polar bear sat on his bed. 'How's she been?'

'Distant, difficult.' He ran a paw over his head. 'Did she talk to you about anything that might help me understand where this behavior is coming from?'

'Well- yes. I don't want to betray her trust though-'

'Kwazii, I need to know. Ashima could have the potential to harm herself, if you get my meaning.'

'I understand Captain.' He replied, pausing so he could think of a way to reply without betraying her trust in him. 'She feels useless and out of place, she thinks we'd be better off without her.'

'I see.' Barnacles nodded after a moment.

'I can't say more then that captain, it's not my place to tell but I should tell you know, that filly is far from useless. No sir-ee. You should have seen her in action! Planning, organizing, following through. Determined, strong. Kinda makes me think of someone else I know-' The polar bear chuckled. 'I'm serious Captain! Neither of us would be alive if it wasn't for her and her quick thinking and planning. When I found her she was sheltering under a fallen tree, once she realised the storm was getting worse and that we needed shelter she didn't hold back. Its a good thing too, lightning struck the tree just after we'd left it. I really think after seeing what she can do she'd be a huge asset to the crew Captain, she just needs to be given a chance.'


It was after dinner when the filly woke again, glancing over to see the Captain reading a book in a chair near her bed. He doesn't give up easily. She huffed as she let out a snort.

The Captain looked over at her, closing his book up and placing it aside after he'd seen she was awake. 'How are you feeling now Ashima?'

'Fine.' She replied bluntly. 'I'm just fine.'

'I've got some dinner here for you.'

'I'm not hungry.'

'It wasn't a question Ashima, you need to eat.' He grabbed the plate off the table beside her bed and handed it to her. 'Eat up then we need to have a little talk.'

The filly glared at him then down at the food, gingerly taking a bite from the kelp cake. Something told her that the Captain wouldn't stand for any rubbish from her, it was in her best interest to just do as she was told. A shiver ran up her spine. That's how it always had been in the herd, at the lab- No. She forced it back, not allowing it to take over her emotions. She wouldn't let him break her. She'd do what she wanted, and what she wanted was to throw this plate across the room- A glance back at the Captain extinguished that idea, the fire inside her sizzling out. There was no point in fighting. She'd never amount to anything anyway.

She started on the second last kelp cake, her stomach heaving repulsively as she forced the food down. She didn't want to eat but she had no choice with the Captain watching her every move. She was trapped, trapped under his eye, trapped on this ship- The same feelings she had when she was caged in the lab began to well in her, choking her. No. She forced them back, a lump forming in her throat as she swelled the last bite of her dinner, her eyes watering with tears.

'Good girl.' The polar bear encouraged, taking the empty plate. The filly looked at him for a split second then rolled over, refusing to look at him. He sighed, standing up then sat down on the bed beside her. Gently he placed his paw on her shoulder, the filly flinching at his touch. 'Ashima, I owe you an apology. I was inconsiderate and harsh when I reprimanded you for following us when we were rescuing Dashi, I shouldn't have spoken to you the way I did. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me for my behaviour.'

Tears dropped down her cheeks, her voice barely audible as she replied timidly. 'I only wanted to help.'

'I know you did Ashima but you're not ready to come along on missions just yet, you haven't finished your training yet.' He replied gently. 'What would have happened if you'd crashed the Gup? You can't just run off without knowing how to do something. An Octonaut never places themselves or their crew members in unnecessary danger. You've got to remember that.'

'Yes Captain.' She replied submissively. 'I'm sorry Captain. It won't happen again Captain.'

'That's all I want to hear. Can you roll back over though Ashima, I much rather talking to your pretty face then your back.' The filly chuckled softly then sighed and rolled back over, the polar bear wiping her tears away with his paw. 'Now, tell me what's been going on in that brain of yours.'

'You wouldn't want to know.'

'Except that I do Ashima. I worry about you honey. I want to help you.'

She sighed, looking past him as she stared into space. 'I just feel so useless.' She whispered. 'All my life I've had no meaning, my life has no meaning. I've always been nothing but a burden and if I'm not that I'm just being used for someone else's gain. I just want to have some kind of meaning, some kind of value. I don't know how to value myself because I've only ever been valued for what I could bring to someone. I've never had real love shown to me, the only one who did was Remi. I'm scared. I'm scared to let people love me. I'm scared they'll see the real me and then they'll leave.'

'And that's why you ran away.' The filly nodded, Barnacles stroking her neck gently. 'You've got to let that fear go Ashima, I know it scares you to think others might care about you but you can't hold onto that. You can't keep pushing us away. We're here for you, I'm here for you. I want to have a relationship with you. We all want to be friends with you. You've got to let yourself be open to that.'

'But I've been hurt too many times before doing that. '

'Your not the only one, I've been hurt many times too Ashima but you can't keep living like this. It's not healthy.'

'I know.' She replied after a slight pause then looked up at him. 'Why are you all trying so hard to fight for me? What do you see in me that makes me worth fighting for?'

'I had a daughter once-' I didn't not just blurt that out, did I? The expression of shock on her face confirmed that yes, he had.

'R-really?' Ashima questioned in surprise. 'What-what happened?'

The Captain sighed heavily. 'My wife and I didn't have a very good relationship, I was too blind to see what was happening and one day she left and took my daughter with her. There was an accident, both of them didn't survive.'

'I'm sorry.' She replied after the polar bear had finished his short explanation. 'I had no idea. That must have been horrible.'

'No one except the Professor knows Ashima, I haven't told them about my past. There's a lot no one knows about me, everyone has a chapter in their life they don't want people to read.'

'Mine's the whole book.'

That made the Captain chuckle a little. 'You can change how your future story is, you can't change your past but you can make a difference for the future.'

'Is that what you did?'

'It's partly why I joined the Octonauts, yes. The Octonauts was started by the Professor to help save other creatures but it saved me too.'

The filly looked away from him, her cheeks burning. She'd been so mean to him, she thought he had the perfect life but that was far from the truth. Everyone has a battle no one knows about. 'I'm sorry Captain.'

'For what?'

'For wrongly judging you. I didn't think there was anyone else out there who had been through something like what I've been through.'

'It's alright Ashima-' He smiled kindly. 'I won't hold it against you.'

'What happens now though? I mean, you'd have every right to dump me at the nearest orphanage after the trouble I've caused-'

'No Ashima, that's not going to happen. You have my word. You'll be staying with us here, we're not going to send you away because you've been a bit reckless. Just don't make a habit of it, please. I don't think I'd be able to cope with two Kwazii's.'

Ashima laughed. 'I've seen he's a bit of a daredevil.'

'Just a bit.'

Her expression sobered again, the filly looking up at him with searching eyes. 'Why though? Why do you care about me so much?'

'Because I love you honey.' He replied, stroking her mane. 'And I made a promise with Remi before she passed that I'd look after you and love you like my own daughter. But don't think that means your going to get special treatment-' He chuckled, bopping her on the nose with his paw. 'As soon as your better your going to be up and around working like the rest of us.'

The filly grinned widely, bringing her hoof to her head to salute. 'Yes Captain!'