Wendy shivered in the cold as she attempted to eat her salad, wishing she'd brought a heavier coat as she was assaulted by the brisk December air, "Ugh, why can't we just eat inside like normal people?!" she questioned.
"I'd love to." Kenny stated, "Where do you wanna sit? At my table with all my ex-friends who hate us both? Or would you prefer yours, with at least five girls I've banged in the past? Face it Wendy, we're outsiders, these are our people!" He expressed, gesturing toward Craig, Tweek, and the goth kids.
"AH! WHAT?! WE'RE THE OUTSIDERS?! SINCE WHEN?!" Tweek confusedly shouted, "I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HATE ME! WHAT IF THEY HATE ME SO MUCH THEY KILL ME?! THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!"
"Calm down Tweek, nobody hates us." his boyfriend assured.
"THEN WHY ARE WE SITTING OUT HERE WITH THE OUTSIDERS?!" he questioned.
"Because I don't feel like being in the middle of a rushed out critique of what's in the news this week." Craig answered, "Out here it's nice and boring, just how I like it."
"And freezing." Wendy added before Kenny rolled his eyes and unzipped his parka, "What are you- Hey wait!" she began to protest as her boyfriend picked her up, sitting her down in his lap before zipping his coat around the two of them.
"Better?" he asked.
The girl quickly got accustomed to her new seating conditions and relaxed into Kenny's chest, "Yeah, actually. Thanks." she said with a smile.
"No problem, just stay out of the left pocket." he instructed.
"Oh? I wouldn't happen to find my Christmas present in there, would I?"
"No, I'm not giving you my weed for Christmas. But I'll be happy to share it with you on New Years." the boy answered.
"So what did you get me anyway?" Wendy asked.
"A big box of mind your own fuckin' business it's a surprise." he answered with a kiss on the cheek.
Pete groaned in disgust, "Ugh, all you conformists are so annoying with your sappy 'Oh we're so in love' bullshit, you know none of this matters right?! You're just gonna break up by the time you get out of high school anyway!"
"I take it you finally took my advice and asked out Red?" Kenny asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it." the goth boy said as he returned to his cigarette. A cigarette that he accidentally swallowed in surprise as the ground began to open up in front of them, fire escaping from the newly formed crack in the cement as a robed figure on a horse emerged from it.
"Oh hell no." Craig said before getting up and dragging his boyfriend inside.
"AH! WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENING?!" Tweek questioned.
Craig shrugged, "Don't know, don't care, don't want any part of it. We're eating in the library today." he said as the two of them disappeared into the school.
The figure extended a bony finger toward Kenny as he began to speak in a deep raspy voice, "Kenny McCormick, you have been summoned by-"
"Hey Death, haven't seen you much lately." the boy greeted, interrupting his old friend.
The deity's voice immediately changed from the dramatic rasp to a far more casual tone "Yeah, I noticed that. Like, I was kind of getting worried you were mad at me or something. What gives?"
"Nah dude, we're cool. I've just been staying out trouble lately… For the most part. Living longer, shit like that. Mostly thanks to this little beauty right here." he explained as he gestured toward his girlfriend, making her blush.
"Oh shit, good for you man." Death said before addressing Wendy, "Hey, always nice to meet someone early." he greeted, holding out his hand.
"Nice to meet you." The girl said with a smile as she began to reach out of Kenny's parka to shake it before he pulled it away.
"Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya, if ya touch me you die." he explained before reaching out again "Unless…"
"I uh… I think I'll pass, thanks." Wendy said.
"So what brings you by dude?" Kenny asked, "Has my time finally come?"
"Nah, not this week. I'm just up here to tell you that you're invited to Satan's Christmas party!" Death explained as he handed over an envelope, "We hope you can make it."
"Oh fuck yeah dude, I wouldn't miss it!" the boy proclaimed.
"Great, see ya there! I've gotta go drop by Jesus's place and tell him he's not invited… Again." he explained with what would probably be a roll of his eyes were he not a skeleton, "Later Kenny, Kenny's girlfriend, emo kids I'll probably be seeing soon."
The goth kids watched in awe as the Angel of Death rode away on his pale horse, turning their attention to Kenny once he was gone, "You're friends with the literal embodiment of death?" Firkle questioned.
"Yep."
"And Satan?" Henrietta added.
"Yep."
"You don't know Cthulhu, do you?" Michael asked.
Kenny paused as he considered his answer "Kinda."
"Woah." the goth kids all said in unison.
The boy opened his invitation to read it, "Dear Kenny, you are cordially invited to attend my big Christmas bash in Hell. I hope you can make it and bring your new girlfriend with you, I've been dying to finally meet her."
"Wow, I've never been to a Satanic Christmas party before… Wait, why is Satan throwing a Christmas party, isn't that a little counter-intuitive?" Wendy questioned.
Kenny shook his head, "Nah, that's the beauty of it. See, every year Jesus throws a party on his birthday, anyone's allowed to come but it's usually a pretty small quiet get together. So like a thousand years ago Satan decided to throw his own party and it was like, the bestest party of all time! So now he does it every year JUST so he can tell Jesus he's not invited." he explained.
"That… Seems kind of petty." the girl pointed out.
"Well, it's Satan. The dude kind of invented the concept of holding a grudge." her boyfriend pointed out before looking back at the invitation, "I've gotta get him a gift, we should go to the mall before school gets out."
"What? We can't just cut out of school to go to the mall!" Wendy scolded.
"Why not? I do it all the time and I don't even have the grades to excuse it." Kenny pointed out.
"Has it occurred to you that those two things may be linked in some way?" his girlfriend questioned.
The boy thought about it for a moment, "Not really. Besides it's the last day before winter break, we're probably not gonna miss anything important anyway, plus…" he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her up with him as he stood to his feet, her legs dangling thanks to Kenny's taller stature, "You don't have a choice!" he informed as he carried her to his truck.
"HEY WAIT! STOP! AT LEAST LET ME GET MY BOOKS FROM MY LOCKER! KENNY!"
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"Sir, I'm not sure I understand what you're asking me." the mall employee expressed in confusion.
"What's not to get?" Kenny questioned, "It's a simple yes or no question, do you have this in a size that would fit an eight foot demonic entity with biceps the size of watermelons?" he asked again as he held up a T-shirt that said 'Party Slut' on it.
The poor woman was at a loss, "M-Maybe a XXXL?"
The teenager thought about it for a moment, "Well, he is pretty into tight clothes… Yeah, that'll work. Thanks!" he said with a grin.
The employee sighed, "Happy I could help." she said as she walked away muttering something about hating the holidays.
Kenny collected his friend's Christmas gift and made his way through the store to find his girlfriend. He found Wendy admiring a nice purple winter coat, "That'd look really good on you." he noted, taking her by surprise as he snuck up on her.
"Thanks." she said with a smile, "Maybe I'll get it once I've saved up enough money."
Her boyfriend shook his head, "Seriously? By the time you get enough tips from Benny's and take out what we spend to feed Whiskey, it's gonna be summer by the time you've got enough." he explained as he pulled the chain on his belt loop, taking out his wallet and counting out the hundred-fifty dollars he'd need to afford the coat.
"Where did you get all that money?!" the girl questioned in disbelief.
"My new job." he answered.
"What? You started looking for work a week ago! How have you already made so much?!" Wendy questioned further, "Kenny… Are you selling drugs?"
"Nah… Unless you changed your mind about what I said?" he inquired.
The girl sighed, "For the last time, I don't want to hang out at nightclubs and house parties selling weed with you, not in this life anyway."
"Bummer." the boy lamented.
"So, where's the money coming from?" Wendy pressed.
"Well…"
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"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEP RIGHT UP TO SEE THE MAN WHO'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A DOLLAR WITH NO REGARD FOR HIS OWN SAFETY!" Cartman announced through a bullhorn as a crowd began to gather around him, "HE'LL EAT ANYTHING FROM LIVE BUGS TO DIRTY HIPPIE SNATCH! THE ONE, THE ONLY, KRAZY KENNY!"
The people erupted into a cheer as Kenny revealed himself from behind a shoddily constructed curtain, "Who wants to see me drink this?" he asked, holding up a bottle of motor oil.
The crowd went wild as Cartman collected their money.
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"Ya know what, let's just pretend I'm selling drugs." Kenny dismissed.
Wendy suspiciously eyed her boyfriend, "You know I'm going to find out eventually, right?"
"Oh definitely." he agreed as he grabbed the purple coat off the rack, "This isn't your Christmas present by the way, I've got something way better planned for that."
"Come on, at least give me a hint on what it is." the girl practically begged.
"Just a hint?" he asked, Wendy nodded, "Alright, I cut a hole in a box about two inches in diameter and I plan on sticking something in it. Now, it's not candy, but don't let that stop you from sucking on it." Kenny answered with a suggestive grin.
"You're disgusting." Wendy said with a roll of her eyes.
"And you're gorgeous, but you're still gonna have to wait until the 25th to find out what I actually got you." the boy countered, "Come on, surprises are fun! Why do you think I haven't asked what you got me? I mean, I already know I'm gonna love it so I've got no problem waiting." he assured with a grin.
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"I don't have the slightest fucking clue on what to get him, Bebe." Wendy lamented to her friend.
"Oh come on, it can't be that hard." the other girl reasoned, "I mean, you never had a problem getting something for Stan, right?"
"Stan was easy to shop for, I always just got him a new video game or something and he was happy!"
"So get Kenny a new video game, problem solved!" Bebe suggested.
"I thought about that, but guess who sold his Xbox three years ago to buy a gaming PC. Did you know you can't buy physical game disks for computers anymore? It's all digital now! Gabe Newell is a fucking asshole!" Wendy ranted
"Who's Gabe Newell?" Bebe questioned.
"He made that stupid online game shop everyone uses, so I'm blaming him for ruining Christmas!" she explained, "I swear it's all a big conspiracy, they made it impossible for girls to buy video games for their boyfriends so they could destroy their relationships, that way boys spend more time gaming so they can line the pockets of these dirtbag CEOs!"
"Wendy, chill the fuck out. I think you're reading way too much into this." Bebe reasoned.
Wendy took a deep breath, "Sorry, Kenny's been getting high and listening to those conspiracy podcasts and now he's got me into them." she explained with a sigh, "I just want to get him something nice to show how much I care about him. But what do you get for the guy who's cool with having almost literally nothing?"
Bebe rolled her eyes, "Think about it Wendy, Kenny's not a complicated guy. Think about what he loves more than anything else in the world."
"He already gets all the pot he needs from his brother. I don't even know how I'd-"
"No, not pot. What's the one thing he talks about almost nonstop?" the other girl specified.
"Music? I mean, I guess I could get him some new cassettes for his collection but-"
"SEX! HE'S A MASSIVE FUCKING PERVERT WHO'S WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO RIDE YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL SINCE THE DAY YOU FIRST MET! SUCK HIS DICK, MAKE HIM CUM! YOU'VE ALREADY GOT THE ONE THING HE WANTS, SO FUCKING GIVE IT TO HIM! HE. WANTS. TO. FUUUCK YOUUU!" Bebe screamed, furiously humping the air to further prove her point.
"STEVENS, TESTABURGER! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! WE'VE GOT CUSTOMERS!" the Benny's manager scolded, Bebe looked around the diner to find that everyone was staring at her, multiple parents covering their children's ears while several teenage boys watched in awe.
"Oh shit." she said before getting back to work, walking up to a table of teenage boys, "Welcome to Benny's, what can I get for you?" she asked.
"I think I love you." one of the boys said.
Bebe rolled her eyes "We'll see about that when I get my tip."
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Wendy sat in the passenger seat of Kenny's truck as he drove her home from work, stoned out of his mind listening to a guy on the radio scream about how the only thing he wanted for Christmas was for the government to stop killing babies and trapping their souls in vape cartridges, "Fuckin' government." Kenny said with an amused grin.
But Wendy wasn't all that concerned with the rambling nut on the radio, nor did she pay any mind to the fact that her boyfriend was currently waiting for a stop sign to turn green. No, she had other things on her mind, 'Bebe did make a good point. But we're still trying to take things slow. It's already been over a month, but is that really enough time to take such a big step? Stan and I dated for eight years and we never-'
BEEEEP was the sound that broke Wendy's train of thought, she turned her head to see a line of cars held up behind her boyfriend's truck, "Oh shit, my bad." he apologized before finally driving past the stop sign.
"Kenny, you're serious about this, right?" she questioned.
"What? Hell no." he answered to Wendy's horror, "I mean, this guy's fun to listen to and all, but a lot of the shit he says is way too out there."
The girl breathed a sigh of relief before turning off the radio, "No, I mean about us. This isn't just another one of your flings, right?"
Kenny shook his head "Nah dude, I freakin' love you." he expressed, "Wait, shit. Is it still too soon to say that? Fuck, I'm sorry."
"No!" the girl assured all to eagerly, "I mean, maybe a little, but it's fine."
"Like, what I mean is I'm like super serial about this shit, ya know? Like, pretty much every relationship I've ever been in's been nothing but a month of nonstop banging before we just stop talking to each other. But like, with you it's been… Weird, good weird though. I mean, we hang out all the time and we haven't screwed once, I just really like being with you, it's like… More emotional, ya feel me?"
She did, sure he was completely stoned at the moment, but it felt honest, rambly as all hell, but honest. But… there was still that hint of worry, "You're not just saying that to get into my pants, right?" she asked.
The boy shook his head, "Nah, if I wanted to get in your pants I'd just use the one pickup line no woman can resist." he explained before clearing his throat, "Baby, I might not be a meteorologist but I'm willing to bet you're getting at least three inches tonight."
"Holy shit, have sex with me right now." Wendy sarcastically requested.
"OH FUCK, REALLY?!" Kenny asked as he nearly flew off the side of the road to pull over and undo his belt.
"NO, NOT REALLY! KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!" the girl commanded. Kenny pouted at the tease which made Wendy laugh a little before sighing, "But since you're serious… I want you to meet my parents." she requested, "We can do it on Christmas when you pick me up for the party if you want."
Kenny's eyes widened in surprise, "I mean, fuck yeah, I'd love to!"
"Great!" she said as she opened the door, "I can walk home from here." Wendy kissed her boyfriend goodbye, "Later handsome!"
"Later angel." Kenny returned as she exited the truck and shut the door, the boy sighed "Nothing I hate more than seeing her go." he mused to himself as he stared at her ass, "Watching her leave on the other hand…"
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Christmas night had soon arrived. Kenny stood in front of the bathroom mirror, combing his normally messed up hair into what one might consider a… Notably less messed up style in an attempt to look his best for the night ahead of him.
In fact, with his hair under control and his nicest dress shirt on, he almost would've looked like a proper gentleman, an illusion that was broken by the GG Allin song he had blasting in the background, "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS, GIMME GIMME GIMME SOME HEAD! I LIKE THE NASTY THINGS THAT YA DO TO ME IN BED!" he sang along.
"I can't believe you spent all that time classically training your voice just so you can sing along to this crap." he heard his sister say from the door frame.
"Karen, I don't have time to explain the intricacies of GG Allin to you." the boy stated.
"What intricacies? He sang shitty music about rape and murder, randomly got into fights for no reason, and threw his shit at people. I don't get it." she expressed
Kenny thought about it for a moment, "I mean, it sounds like you get it perfectly." he admitted as he held up a tie, "What do you think, too dressy?"
"Maybe if it wasn't a clip on." Karen expressed, "Hey, you think you've got time to give me a ride to Benny's before you pick up Wendy?"
"You meeting up with the goth kids?" the boy asked, his sister nodded, "Dude, perfect! I was actually gonna stop there anyway to give Bebe her present. Now I can just give them theirs too."
The younger girl shook her head, unsure if she misunderstood, "Who's them?" she questioned.
"Mike, Pete, Henrietta, and Firkle. Who else?" Kenny answered as he went to his room to gather their presents.
"Wait, what? Why are you giving presents to my friends?!"
The boy shrugged, "We've been hanging out lately, they're actually pretty cool once you get used to them."
"That's what I told you years ago!" Karen reminded, "What the hell Kenny?! You got so fucking pissed when I started hanging out with them, now you're buying them Christmas presents?!"
Kenny thought about what his sister was saying, "Yeah." he answered as he picked up one box wrapped in bright pink paper and four wrapped in black and carried them out to his truck, "You coming?"
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Kenny walked into Benny's diner with his sister by his side and a stack of boxes in his arms, "Where's my second favorite waitress at?" he questioned as Karen made her way to her friends' usual table.
Bebe had been refilling the goth kids' coffee when her best friend's boyfriend walked in, "Well look who it is, don't tell me you're blowing off Wendy to hang out with me." she said with a grin.
"Of course not! Bebe, you're a perfect 10, but Wendy's a 37. These are both on a scale of 5 by the way." he explained as he set the boxes down on a table.
The girl smiled, "Good, because if you did break my best friend's heart, I'd fucking kill ya." she expressed as she hugged him, "So what's up? Shouldn't you and Wendy be at some party right about now?"
"Not yet, I had to do some stuff beforehand, such as…" Kenny pulled out a brightly wrapped package, "Giving my pretty much sister-in-law her present."
Bebe's face lit up at the sight of the box, "You didn't!" she said before tearing into it, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, YOU DID!"
"Yeah, I saw the way you were eyeing those shoes last week." the boy recalled, "Merry Christmas Bebe."
"You wait right here!" she instructed before running into the back room.
As she ran off, Kenny turned to face the goth kids with a grin, "You guys…" he said before gathering the black boxes, "Don't think I forgot about you guys."
"You know we don't do Christmas, right?" Michael asked.
"Gonna be real Mike, I honestly don't give a shit what you guys do." the boy cheerily stated, "I don't care if you're Jewish, Islamic, or even a Jehovah's Witness. My friends get presents on Christmas."
Kenny handed the boxes off to their respective recipients, Henrietta shrugged and opened hers first, her face distorting into a look of… Actual emotion?! How unheard of! "Oh shit, Bauhaus! I fucking love Bauhaus!" she exclaimed.
"I figured you would." the boy stated, "You said you wanted to start collecting records, I figured any self-respecting goth should have at least one album from the band that started the whole movement."
"This is fucking amazing dude, thank you so much!" the girl expressed before realizing how out of character she was acting, "I mean… Thanks, I guess." she monotonously corrected.
Firkle was the next to open his box, "Oh wow, platform boots." the short goth noted, "I could actually use these. Thanks." he said with… A smile? No wait, it's still his regular bored expression… Oh shit wait, that's a smirk! Kenny had definitely gotten Firkle to smirk for a second!
"Nice, maybe now I won't have to bend my neck down so far when I talk to you." Karen teased.
"You may be taller than me, but our graves will both be six feet deep." he grimly pointed out.
Michael opened his package next, his eyes widening at the contents "The complete works of H.P. Lovecraft?"
"All the original versions too, not an N-word out of place." Kenny noted.
Finally, Pete opened his present and gave it a perplexed look, "A bible? Are you fucking serious?" he questioned.
"Open it up! See if Jesus has anything special to say." the boy said with a grin.
Pete opened the book to find his friend's handwriting on the first page, "Book of Kenny 4:20- when the conformists piss you off, chill the fuck out and light up." he read out loud, turning the page to find a bag of weed hidden in the hollowed out book, "Oh shit, no way." he said in a tone that… May indicate some form of excitement.
"Let me know when you run out, I'll hook you up." Kenny offered with a wink.
Once Kenny had finished handing out everyone's gifts and said his goodbyes, Bebe finally emerged from the diner's back room with a bright orange envelope in her hand, "Hold on, you're not leaving yet!" she exclaimed as she approached the boy and handed him the envelope, "Merry Christmas dude."
The teenager opened it to find a $50 Steam gift card, "Holy shit, fifty bucks?! Dude, you're my fucking hero!"
"Nothing but the best for my pretty much brother-in-law!" the girl said with a smile, "If you think that's good, just wait until you see what Wendy got you!"
"Oh? She got me something better than fifty bucks worth of video games?" Kenny questioned.
"Way better!"
"Can ya give me a hint?"
Bebe rolled her eyes, "You're sounding more like her every day." she noted, "I can't believe she's rubbed off on you so much already."
The boy chuckled, "So… No hint?"
"Not a chance." she stated, "Don't think too much about it, I promise, whatever it is, you're gonna love it." she assured with a grin.
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Wendy nervously awaited her boyfriend's arrival. Her parents were pretty surprised when she told them she had broken up with Stan, they were even more surprised when she revealed that they'd been broken up for almost two months and in that time she'd started a completely new relationship.
Her father didn't take the news very well, he had actually really liked Stan, called him a "Nice boy who never overstepped his boundaries." or some crap like that, a simple description that managed to put her on edge. All Kenny does is overstep boundaries, or at least push them to their absolute limit, he was like the human equivalent of that one cartoon on Comedy Central about the four swearing kids (The name of which eludes me at the moment).
Let's put it this way, she and Stan had rarely gone far in terms of intimacy, every now and then they'd technically engage in what one might see as "making out" and at the time she herself had considered those rare occasions to be a tad risque… But then Kenny gave her something to compare it to. That boy's a fucking animal, and while she had managed to keep him out of her bra (For the most part) he's seemingly made a hobby out of seeing just how close he could get to that X-rating before she made him pull back, and she found herself letting him get closer and closer every time he did.
In fact, pretty much everything she and Kenny did together broke some kind of rule, her parents always said she couldn't have a pet, she and Kenny got a dog. Her parents always said not to stay out too late, just the other night she realized it was 2AM and she was still hanging out in her boyfriend's room. And while her parents had never asserted any specific rule against it, she was pretty sure they wouldn't be too happy to find out she'd been dressing up as a superhero to help her masked vigilante boyfriend patrol the town to beat the shit out of muggers and would-be rapists…
Ya know, it only just occurred to her, Wendy's dating kind of a bad boy, 'And dad's gonna fucking hate him. Great'. The girl looked out the window to see the familiar beat up green pickup truck finally pull into her driveway, "He's here." she announced to her parents as she got up to preemptively answer the door.
"Evening, beautiful." Kenny greeted with a grin.
He seemed more confident than she was at least, 'Who am I kidding, this guy confidently looks Death in the eye like an old friend and sits back with a cup of tea to gossip with the Devil himself, of course he's not scared to meet my parents!'
"So, mind if I come in?" he requested. It was at this point she took notice of his attire, clean black jeans and a nice dress shirt, he even combed his hair for the occasion. She felt her worries melt away when she remembered just who she was dealing with.
Kenny's a pothead, a pauper, a pervert, a poet (and a dirty one at that), but above all else he's an absolute master at the art of bullshitting. If anyone could convince her parents that she's dating a fine upstanding member of society, it's him. "Please do." she answered with a smile as she led him inside. "Mom, dad, this is my boyfriend Kenny." she introduced.
"Nice to meet you." he greeted as he reached out to shake Wendy's father's hand.
The man gave him a quizzical look, almost trying to decipher whether or not he'd seen the boy before, "Yeah, same to you." he returned, hesitantly shaking Kenny's hand.
Wendy's mother smiled at the boy in an attempt to make up for her husband's cold greeting, "So Kenny, maybe you could give me a straight answer because no matter how hard I try, I just can't get Wendy to tell me how you two got together." she explained.
Kenny opened his mouth to begin explaining before coming to a realization 'I forced myself on her as she watched me get impaled… Nope, there's just not a way I can possibly say that and not have it sound fucking horrifying.' he mentally decided, Wendy shot her boyfriend a worried look, he had to come up with something quick. Think, if this were a normal love story, how would he and Wendy have gotten together. Two words came to mind, "Soup kitchen." he said.
"I-I'm sorry?" Wendy's mother questioned.
"Two Thanksgivings ago at the soup kitchen, Wendy and I were both there, we started talking and we kind of became friends." he explained, it technically wasn't even a lie! They were both there, Wendy was volunteering and he was there with his family to pick up their dinner, and they had said hi to each other but those were just some extra details, extra details that did not need to be explained!
"Huh, so you're into volunteer work as well?" Mr. Testaburger questioned
"Absolutely!" he proclaimed, beating the shit out of criminals counts as volunteer work, right? "I actually do a lot of work with the homeless." he added, of course by work he meant drugs, but those were just more unnecessary details!
"Really, isn't that great? Our daughter's dating a regular humanitarian!" Wendy's mother said to her husband.
"Yeah, great." he doubtfully agreed, "So you two are going to a party tonight, what kind of party exactly?" the man asked.
"Oh it's this fun little get together my church does every year, it's got punch and cake and plenty of Jesus to go around!" Kenny half lied, there was definitely gonna be punch and cake, but there wasn't gonna be any Jesus where they were going. "Actually, if we don't get going now we're going to be late, mustn't keep the lord waiting!" he expressed, "It was nice meeting you both! Come on Wendy." he said as he practically dragged his girlfriend out the door.
Once they were gone, Mr. Testaburger scratched his head, "I've seen that boy somewhere before, I just know it." he stated out loud.
"Oh, you've probably just seen him around town somewhere." Mrs. Testaburger reasoned.
"Wait a minute…" he said, horrified by his sudden realization.
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"How much for him to eat this gum I stepped in?" Mr. Testaburger questioned, offering the offending object.
Cartman rubbed his chin in thought, "Fifty bucks?"
"Deal!" the man agreed as he handed the fat teenager the money and the gum.
Cartman smiled as he took the cash, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BY SPECIAL REQUEST, KRAZY KENNY WILL BE EATING A WAD OF CHEWED GUM, PROPERLY AGED ON THIS FINE GENTLEMAN'S SHOE!" he announced.
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Kenny and Wendy couldn't stop laughing as they replayed the scene in their heads, "Mustn't keep the lord waiting?" the girl teased.
"I know, right? I sounded like such a fucking tool!" he agreed, "Gimme some credit though, at least it worked."
Wendy nodded, "Yeah, that story about us at the soup kitchen was perfect!"
"What? You don't think I should've been honest about how we met?" the boy questioned.
"Oh yeah. Mom, dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend. I accidentally murdered him and after that we just clicked." she joked. The two continued laughing for another minute before it died down.
They sat in silence as Wendy stared at her boyfriend, taking in his appearance before realizing something wasn't right. The girl leaned over and messed up his hair "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" he questioned.
"As cute as the innocent choir boy act is, I prefer your usual sexy burnout look. It suits you a lot better." she explained.
Kenny grinned "Sexy huh? Ya know Wendy, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me."
"What can I say Kenny, keeping my clothes on around you has become the single greatest struggle of my life." she said sarcastically before slapping away her boyfriend's hand which she had just noticed sliding up her inner thigh.
"You're such a fucking tease." the boy stated as he pulled into an empty parking lot and stopped the car.
Wendy watched as Kenny grabbed his parka from the middle of the seat and put it on, she then followed as he got out of the truck, "So, how do we get to Hell anyway?" she questioned.
"I find auto-erotic asphyxiation works pretty well." Kenny answered as he pulled a can of spray-paint out of his pocket and used it to draw a pentagram on the ground, "But tonight we're doing it the clean way.", the boy pulled out his invitation and a lighter, placing the paper down in the center of the pentagram and setting it on fire. The pair watched as the ground opened up in a red vortex, Kenny looked at his girlfriend with a smile as he offered her his hand.
She took it and gasped as he pulled her in close and dropped down into the portal. The slow fall into the depths of Hell was unlike anything Wendy had ever felt, she felt warm, not hot like she had imagined, but comfortably warm like she was laying by a campfire in her boyfriend's arms, and the way they were floating down felt like she was sinking into a pool of water, but she could breathe perfectly fine, inhaling the scent of fire and brimstone.
"Watch where you step when we land." Kenny warned, "A lot of people freak out when they get here and then they… Ya know."
"Gross."
"Yeah."
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Kenny approached the gates of Hell with Wendy on his back and a smile on his face, "Welcome to my home away from home." he said.
"The path here didn't seem so bad." Wendy pointed out.
"That's because it's not." Kenny stated.
"But you said the road into Hell was treacherous and nobody knows it better than you." she reminded.
"Yeah, I just said that so I'd have an excuse to carry you." the boy said with a grin. Wendy rolled her eyes and got down from her boyfriend's back, "So, you ready for a Hell of a party?" he asked as he grabbed her hand.
"Why is every pun that comes out of your mouth worse than the last?" she questioned with a smile.
"Hey, that pun was fire and you know it."
"Stop!" Wendy begged as she held back her laughter, "Let's just go inside. You said this party was pretty hot, right?"
Kenny laughed "Dude, that was horrible. Nicely done!" he complimented as he led his girlfriend through the black gates where a pair of teenagers around their age sat at a table, checking tickets and making sure no unwanted visitors got in, "Damien, Pip, how's it going guys?"
"As per usual it is going absolutely dreadfully Kenneth, thank you for asking!" the cheerier of the two expressed in a British accent.
"Hello Kenny plus one, my father is expecting you." the darker one stated in a bored tone.
It took Wendy a moment to realize that she had actually met these two before, "Wait, Damien and Pip, you guys used to go to our elementary school didn't you?" she asked.
"Oh yes, so nice of you to remember Wendy, you were always so very kind to me." Pip said in appreciation.
She'd have to take his word for it, she'd honestly forgotten he even existed until just this moment, "So, you're dead now? How did that happen?"
"Crushed to death by a gargantuan mechanized pop singer in my final act of heroic bravery. Terribly painful, not a day goes by that I don't regret it." the boy explained.
"Yeah, the ol' smash and splat's a pretty rough way to go." Kenny sympathized, having been there many times in the past.
Pip laughed, "You know, it's rather funny Kenneth, I see you down here every once in a blue moon, yet you never seem to stay. I just find that interesting considering the fact that they made it very very clear to me that I was here for eternity!" the boy said, sounding increasingly annoyed with every word, "And now here you are with a beautiful living woman on your arm, going to Satan's exclusive party while I'm at the gate checking tickets!"
"Settle down Pip." Damien requested.
"NO I WILL NOT SETTLE DOWN! WHAT MAKES HIM SO SPECIAL THAT HE CAN COME AND GO AS HE PLEASES?! I DEMAND ANSWERS! I DEMAND JUSTI-" Pip's tirade was cut short when his mouth was magically replaced with a zipper.
"Kenny, I suppose it wouldn't be too much trouble for you to not tell my father about this little episode, would it?" Damien asked with an almost pleading look in his eyes.
The teenager thought about it for a moment, "Hmm, I don't know… Maybe if you-" he leaned forward to whisper something into Damien's ear.
The Antichrist gave a wicked grin at the suggestion, "My pleasure." he said, raising his hand.
Within a moment, Pip shot into the air like a rocket and exploded into a cloud of sparks, "That dude's annoying as shit but he makes for a damn good firework." Kenny mused as he, Wendy, and Damien watched the display.
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Within the depths of Hell, a party like you've never seen raged on, loud rock music roared through the air as demons and lost souls came together in celebration, dancing, drinking, smoking (some because they were literally on fire), and overall enjoying the night of sin. Because that's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown!
But while everyone else partied through the night, Satan sat with his head resting on his left hand as he sipped the drink in his right, bored out of his mind as he listened to Jeffery Dahmer talk his ear off about some weird cooking technique he wasn't really listening to, instead he glanced at the door every five seconds hoping Kenny and his new girlfriend would show up soon.
'And speak of the Devil.' the Prince of Darkness thought with a wide grin on his face when he saw his friend enter the party with a lovely young lady by his side, "Hey Jeffery, sorry to interrupt but I'm gonna go grab another drink." he excused himself as he abandoned the Milwaukee cannibal and rushed toward the door, "Kenny, finally! I was starting to worry you wouldn't show." he greeted.
"What, and miss the best party of the year? Hell no man!" the boy expressed as he reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a brightly wrapped present, "Merry Christmas Satan!" he said with a smile.
Satan happily took the package, "Aw, you didn't have to get me anything, thank you so much!"
Kenny shrugged "No problem dude. It's your mortal enemy's birthday after all."
"I got you something too, I'll give it to you when you leave." the Devil turned his attention to his friend's girlfriend, "So, this is the amazing beautiful girl that you've told me so much about? The one you've been hopelessly in love with since preschool?" he questioned with an evil grin.
The girl blushed at the description and Kenny rubbed his neck with an awkward laugh, "Yeah, that's her." he confirmed "And I kinda told you all that in confidence." he added through his teeth
"I'm Wendy, nice to meet you." she greeted, holding out her hand.
Satan smiled and shook her hand, "Lord Satan, Prince of Darkness" he introduced.
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About an hour had passed since Wendy had been introduced to the ruler of Hell, once they had become acquainted, Wendy offered to grab a few drinks from the bar, leaving Kenny and Satan alone to talk, "So, what do you think? Can I pick 'em or what?" the boy asked with a grin.
Satan chuckled, "I've gotta say, she's just as smart and charming as you said. I'm glad you took my advice."
Kenny smiled, "Yeah, me too. Like, even with all the trouble it caused with Stan and the guys, I wouldn't trade her for anything." he mused, "What can I say, she makes me happy, like genuinely happy."
"Well I'm glad." the Devil said with a smile
"So how are things going with Tyler?" Kenny asked.
The Prince of Darkness sighed, "I don't even know at this point. Like, I thought he was the one but I'm starting to feel like he only likes me for my body."
"Dude, that sucks." the boy sympathized.
The Devil sighed, "Yeah."
Kenny patted his friend on the shoulder in a comforting gesture. It was at this point his girlfriend returned with their drinks and an older woman that Kenny would've absolutely described as a GILF before he was spoken for, 'I'm such a fucking weirdo.' he thought to himself.
"Kenny, you'll never guess who I ran into!" the girl excitedly said.
"Was it your grandmother?" he guessed.
Wendy gave a small pout, "Okay fine, you guessed it." she confirmed in defeat.
The older woman stared Kenny down for a few moments before giving a grin, "Let me guess, you're a party guy." she assumed, the boy thought about it for a moment and nodded "Something tells me my son in law doesn't like you." she added
Kenny shrugged, "Plenty of people don't. It's not that big a deal to me anymore." he expressed.
She nodded in approval, "That's a good attitude to have. He's a loser anyway."
"Grandma!" Wendy scolded.
"What? You know I'm right!" her grandmother stated, "That jackass spends all his time at that stupid job of his, barely spends any time with the one thing of worth he's brought into this world, and then he's got the balls to judge this young man? That sounds a lot like a loser to me." she explained.
The boy had to hold back a laugh, "Dude, your granny's cool as shit!"
"Damn right I am." the woman agreed, "And let me tell ya something, I already like this one a lot more than that other kid you brought home back when I was alive. Told ya it wouldn't work out with him."
Wendy nodded, "You were right, I'm sorry I got so mad at you for that."
"Hey, I'm just glad you know to stand up for yourself." granny expressed before turning to address Kenny, "She gets that from me ya know. Her parents are so afraid of conflict, it's disgusting."
"Well she's no stranger to conflict, that's for sure. Wendy, tell your grandma about the time you kicked the shit out of Cartman for making fun of cancer victims."
Wendy groaned, "That fucking asshole. He's lucky I didn't fucking kill him." she said.
The older woman smiled, "That's my girl." she stated, "I just wish I could've been there to see it."
Kenny gave a grin "Lucky for you, me and a couple other guys got it on film." he assured, "I'll get you a copy of what several critics called 'the most gratifying and well shot fight scene in cinematic history'." the boy promised with a wink.
The woman turned to address her granddaughter, "Wendy, if you don't marry this boy, I will."
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As the night went on and the drinks kept flowing, Kenny and Wendy found themselves slow dancing in the middle of the Devil's hall, smiling as they stared into each others eyes in a lackadaisical haze, "You know not a day's gone by since I knocked you off those bleachers that hasn't felt like a dream?" the girl admitted?
"I know, right?" Kenny agreed, "Like, I keep thinking to myself 'This couldn't possibly happen in real life' but like, it just keeps going."
"Exactly." she agreed.
The boy stared at his girlfriend for a minute before speaking again, "Would it break our agreement to take things slow if I told you I loved you?" he questioned.
Wendy thought about it for a moment, "Does it matter? You've already said it three times at this point." she pointed out.
"Yeah, but that was mainly me being overly dramatic… Or stoned out of my brain." he pointed out.
She chuckled, "Maybe it's still just a little too soon. But we're getting there."
"So it's definitely too soon for me to propose?"
The girl laughed, "Quit joking around like that!"
Kenny grinned, 'The real funny thing is that you think I'm joking.' he thought to himself. The boy looked down at his watch, "It's getting kinda late, you wanna say goodbye to Granny and Satan so we can head back to my place?"
"I like how you've only known her for a night and you've already adopted my grandma." Wendy pointed out.
"Well I'm not gonna call her by her first name, that'd be weird."
"Weirder than you calling her granny?"
"Tell ya what, when you meet my grandparents you can call them whatever you want." Kenny offered, "Of course, my mom's parents disowned her and my dad's mother left him as a kid. But I'm sure Old Man McCormick will love to meet you if he ever comes back from his dementia-fueled walk in the desert." he explained with a grin.
Wendy shook her head "Can you tell me about a single aspect of your life that isn't awful?"
"The time I spend with you." he answered with a wink. "Come on, let's get going. I still wanna give you your present before midnight."
The pair began to make their way back to their table when they heard a voice speak from behind them, "Keanu?"
Kenny's face tensed up in frustration 'Shit, what's he doing here?!' he wondered before turning around to greet the man, "Heeey Jesus… Happy birthday!"
"Thank you, but what are you doing here?" the son of God questioned.
"He's here because he was invited." the irate voice of Satan butted in, gaining everyone's attention "The real question is what are you doing here?"
Jesus gave his mortal enemy a confused look "What do you mean? Death came by my house the other day and said you wanted me to come." he calmly explained.
"He did WHAT?!" Satan yelled in anger as the Angel of Death entered the scene.
"Yeah, that's right, I told him to stop by." he nonchalantly admitted.
"Why the hell would you do something like that?!" Satan demanded.
"Because I'm sick of going to his house every year just to tell him he's not allowed at his own birthday party! It was funny the first few times but this joke is literally a thousand years old! At this point you're just being a dick for no reason." Death explained.
"Maybe I should go." Jesus awkwardly said as he walked toward the exit.
"Wait. No, Death is right." Satan admitted, "Just because we're mortal enemies doesn't mean we need to be at constant odds with each other."
"I think it kinda does." Kenny pointed out from the sidelines.
"Quiet, I think he might actually be learning a lesson." Death silenced
"I guess I can be nice for just one night of the year." the Prince of Darkness relented, "Why don't you hang out for a while, enjoy the party, maybe we can catch up over a few drinks." he offered.
Jesus smiled, "I'd like that. Does the bar happen to serve water?"
Satan rolled his eyes, "You know it doesn't. Just skip the bullshit and get some damn wine! If I can be nice for a night then you can go a night without being such a fucking showoff!"
Kenny, Wendy, and Death watched as the two walked away, "I can't believe that actually fucking worked." Death admitted.
As he and his girlfriend made their way to the exit, Kenny couldn't help but wonder if maybe Death could help fix things up between him and Stan.
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Wendy sat cross legged on her boyfriend's bed with a small box in her hands, contemplating whether or not she was seriously ready to give it to him. "Here, since you've been so patient, you can open yours first." Kenny said as he handed over her present.
The girl took the box that she'd been waiting so long to see the contents of, she quickly but carefully tore open the wrapping paper, her eyes widening in awe once it was finally revealed. Within the box was a heart-shaped picture frame, in it was a photo that she recognized from her second volleyball match of the season, Kenny was in his makeshift cheerleader outfit holding her up off the ground in a tight embrace after their victory. In addition, the frame also housed what she recognized as a set of pictures they'd had taken in a photo booth on their very first date.
"So, worth the wait?" her boyfriend asked with a smug grin. Honestly, he'd been just as impatient as she was to finally give her her present, he couldn't wait to see the look on her face when she opened it, and man was it ever worth it.
"Kenny I…" she couldn't find the words to express how she felt, this had to be the most thoughtful thing anyone had given her in her entire life, how the hell could she possibly… Wendy looked down at the small box in her lap. Picking it up, she handed it to her boyfriend, "Merry Christmas Kenny."
The boy took the box with a smile, opening the wrapping paper to reveal a small velvet box like the kind jewelry comes in. Curiously, Kenny opened the box to reveal… "A rubber?" he questioned, not entirely sure how to react, but his mothers voice rang out in his head telling him to 'show some fuckin' appreciation!' "I mean, a rubber! For my… Collection! How'd ya know?"
Wendy shook her head and laughed, "The condom's not your gift. But I can't exactly wrap my virginity up and hand it to you."
Kenny tried to wrap his head around what his girlfriend was saying "Your virgi- Wait… Are you telling me…"
She nodded, "Yeah. I wanted to give you something special, and I had a feeling that would be just what you wanted."
The boy couldn't believe what he was hearing, "What about taking it slow?" he questioned, 'DON'T TRY TO TALK HER OUT OF IT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!' the sex crazed deviant within him scolded.
"We can take it slow. We can take all night if you want." Wendy assured with a suggestive grin that wouldn't look out of place on her boyfriend.
Now Kenny was speechless, he could've sworn he felt a tear in his eye as the gravity of his current situation sank in. His entire body was on overload, old school heavy metal songs ringing through his ears, the name Wendy McCormick repeating in his mind over and over again, he could've swore the blood from his head all shot into his dick so fast that it sounded like a NASCAR racetrack.
The boy couldn't even think of the words to describe his current state of euphoria, so he went with a sound instead, "Woo-hoo!"
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Kenny was by no means a virgin before Christmas night, his V-card was destroyed at the age of twelve when he and Kevin pooled together what little money they had to tag-team a prostitute who was doing a two-for-one sale. That said, he could honestly say that he had never really grasped the concept of "Making sweet sweet love" until he'd been with Wendy. She really did make it feel like the first time… I mean, not like his first time, like the first time of a normal well-adjusted human being.
As for the girl herself, Wendy could honestly say that losing her virginity to her boyfriend was the most incredible thing she'd ever experienced, on top of the hours of passion and intimacy they'd shared, the guy was an absolute fucking pro at pleasuring women, he knew the female form like the back of his hand and he rocked her world with the skill of someone with years of experience (Years of experience she tried her absolute best not to think about.)
The two of them were still riding the high they'd given each other days after it was over, both of them sitting in the back of Kenny's truck at the crack of dawn on January 1st to watch the sun come up. Granted, Kenny was always happy to ride several highs at once, "Are you seriously lighting up another joint?" the Wendy asked when she heard the click of his lighter.
"Yeah. Don't worry, it's my last one." he assured.
"You had a whole cigarette pack full of them when we left last night." Wendy reminded, "Are you sure you can drive us home?"
Kenny shrugged, "It's cool, I gave out like half of them at Bebe's party anyway."
"That's still a lot of weed!"
The boy started laughing, "Yeah, yeah it fuckin' is!". Wendy shoved her boyfriend in a playful manner, only for him to retaliate by picking her up and sitting her down in his lap. She laughed as he held her close and kissed her on the cheek and neck before burying his face in her new coat, "This thing warm enough for ya?" he questioned.
"It's perfect." she answered, "You gonna tell me how you payed for it?"
Kenny thought about it for a moment, "I'm doing the Krazy Kenny thing again." he finally admitted.
Wendy's face contorted into a look of displeasure, "That stupid circus act you used to do where you'd eat weird things for money?" Kenny nodded into her shoulder, "I almost wish you were selling drugs."
"I'll be giving it up soon. The main reason I've been doing it was so I could get some quick cash for everyone's Christmas presents." he assured.
"Good. I hate the idea of you putting yourself in danger like that, just so some voyeuristic weirdos can get some cheap entertainment." Wendy stated.
"Your dad gave me fifty bucks to eat a piece of gum off his shoe." the boy revealed.
The girl's eyes widened in surprise, "Maybe grandma does make a few good points about him." she admitted.
Kenny chuckled before speaking again, "He totally recognized me, I just know it." he said with a sigh, "Something tells me your parents are gonna hate my guts."
Wendy nodded, "Yeah, they totally are." she agreed.
Kenny rolled his eyes, "Not exactly the reassurance I was hoping for but I appreciate the honesty."
The girl laughed, "Get over it, you know I still love you." she expressed as she leaned in to kiss her boyfriend in the dim light of the year's first sunrise.
A/N: All I want for Christmas is more Kendy fics… Then again, that's also what I wanted for Halloween… And Thanksgiving… And every other day ever. Believe it or not, I really have read them all AND I NEED MY DAMN FIX!
I'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas or whatever the fuck it is that you celebrate, and I hope you all liked this holiday special. Let me know if it sucked or ruled with a review.
