"If you want blood, you've got it."
-Bon Scott

Chapter 9

There are no happy endings, not even for those most deserving of them

Wendy checked the time, wondering momentarily who the hell would be calling her at 2AM before realizing there was really only one person on the planet who it would be, and naturally that's who it was. "Kenny? It's the middle of the night, what's up?" she questioned.

"Not much." the boy answered from the other end of the phone, "Hey, can you go look out your window for me?" he requested.

Now, if she had been called up at 2:37 in the morning and asked to do such an odd task just a few months ago, she may have been quite understandably confused, but seeing as she and Kenny had been dating for around three months at this point, she had a pretty good feeling as to where this was going, "Are you hanging off the side of my house right now?" she asked, still rather groggy from being prematurely woken.

"You'll have to find out for yourself, keep in mind it's like five degrees out here and I'm losing both the feeling in my hands and my grip." he explained. The girl sighed before rushing to her bedroom window, opening her curtains to reveal her grinning boyfriend, his phone in one hand while the other held onto the edge of her roof as tightly as possible. "Be a babe and help me not freeze to death." he humbly requested.

Wendy opened her window and helped the boy inside, watching as he kicked off his shoes and collapsed on her bed with a relieved sigh, "Is there any particular reason you're breaking into my house in the middle of the night?" she questioned.

"It's not breaking in if you're invited."

"Which you weren't."

"Details details." the boy dismissed.

"Look, not that I don't totally love you and everything, but why are you here?" Wendy reiterated.

"I had a bad dream and I was hoping I could crawl in bed with you." he answered with a grin.

"Are you kidding?" she questioned.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" the boy countered.

"Most of the time, yes."

Kenny shrugged, "Fine, don't believe me. Just let me stay, I promise I'm house-trained." he half-joked half-begged.

"What if my parents catch you?" Wendy asked.

"Easy, I'll mesmerize them with some epic yo-yo tricks and escape while they're distracted." the boy explained as he pulled out a yo-yo and demonstrated, "I found a yo-yo on my way over here by the way. Look, it glows in the dark!"

The girl laughed and rolled her eyes, "As brilliant as that plan sounds…"

"Look, we'll go right to sleep, no dirty stuff, I'll set my alarm early and be out before they even wake up. Easy peasy monkey cheesy."

Wendy thought about it for a moment, "No dirty stuff?"

"I'm willing to negotiate that part if it doesn't work for you." the boy assured.

With a final sigh and a warm smile, the girl finally relented, "Fine, you can stay."

"Sweet!" Kenny celebrated before taking off his coat and hanging it on the post of his girlfriend's bed.

The two kissed each other goodnight and settled down under the covers, Kenny wrapping his arm around Wendy who immediately got accustomed to her far more comfortable new sleeping arrangements… Ya know, until she felt her boyfriend's hand wander into her pants, "No dirty stuff." she reminded.

"Sorry, thought you might've changed your mind."

"If I change my mind, I'll tell you." Wendy assured as Kenny removed his hand. A moment or two passed before she began to notice an empty feeling where it once was, "I changed my mind."

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If Kenny were to say he was the only one to sneak out of his house on that night it would be purely out of ignorance. That said, if Karen were to say the exact same thing then she'd simply be a liar, as she'd climbed out of her own bedroom window hours prior, making her way through about three neighborhoods before she'd finally found herself at Henrietta's house at around 12AM.

Bracing herself, the young girl knocked on the door. A moment passed before Henrietta's mother opened the door, "Oh hello Karen, good to see you!" the woman cheerily greeted, "Oh you kids, always with your doom and gloom, waiting for the most ungodly hours to hang out. Don't worry, I get it, there's no school for the next week because of those murders and you want to make the most of it!"

"Mom! Is that Karen?!" Henrietta shouted from the top of the stairs.

"Oh, yes dear, it's her!" Henrietta's mother answered.

"Well send her up!" the teenager implored.

"Okay dear!" the woman agreed, turning her attention back to the younger girl, "Go ahead dear, you probably don't want to spend the rest of the night chatting with old Mrs. Biggle." she said, gesturing for Karen to come inside. "Now would you kids like some cookies?"

"Go to hell, mom!" Henrietta shouted as Karen made her way upstairs.

"Alright, let me know if you change your mind. Have fun!" the woman implored.

"You should really be nicer to your mom." Karen stated once the older woman was out of hearing distance.

Henrietta sighed, "I know, I've been trying, she's just… So upbeat, I hate it!" she explained with a groan as they made their way into her room.

Karen prepared for the encounter that was about to take place, bracing herself once more as she entered the darkly colored room. "Finally, she's here." Pete noted with a sigh.

"You seriously fucked up with this one." Firkle accused.

"Hey, lay off, it was an honest mistake any of us could've made!" Henrietta defended.

"Right, before we start going crazy, just tell us what happened." Michael requested.

Karen took a deep breath before speaking, "First off, I know I fucked up." she admitted.

"Seven deaths is a pretty big fuck up." Firkle added.

"I know!" the girl agreed on the verge of tears.

"Firkle, shut the fuck up for now!" Henrietta demanded before addressing the younger girl, "It's okay, don't worry about that right now, just tell us how it happened." she implored.

Karen took a breath and continued to explain, "I know I wasn't supposed to take him outside, but I was afraid if I left him home he would get into a fight with my brother's dog or something, so I brought him to school and left him in my locker. I gave him a bowl of water and some pop-tarts to eat and went through my day, but then I came back, my locker was opened and Charlie was gone!"

"Did we ever agree on the name Charlie?" Pete questioned.

"I THINK WE'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN ITS FUCKING NAME, PETE!" Henrietta reminded.

"Right, sorry." the boy apologized.

"So, we're completely fucked, right?" Michael questioned, "I mean, it has all our collective DNA in it, so if the cops find it we're totally screwed. So, now what?"

"So we don't let them find it." Firkle stated, "We go in there, we kill it, and we get rid of it. Simple as that."

"What? We can't kill him!" Karen argued, "He's like our baby!"

"Our 'Baby' took seven lives and it's only gonna take more if it has the chance. Charlie needs to die." Michael explained.

"I'm in, let's kill a homunculous." Pete agreed, "But can we at least call him Jeffery? That's still a way better name than Charlie."

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The next morning at around 10AM, Bebe Stevens decided to make the most of her day off from school and hang out with Wendy. Bebe knocked on the front door of her best friend's house, more as a courtesy than anything else, in reality she'd been free to come and go as she pleased for years. The girl waited only a moment before she was answered by Wendy's mom, "Hi Mrs. Testaburger. Is Wendy home?" she politely asked.

"Hello Bebe, she's up in her room, I think she might still be asleep though." the woman explained.

"Not a problem." the girl stated before entering the house and making her way upstairs to the other girl's room. Upon intrusion, Bebe immediately noticed that the impossible claims had rung true and Wendy Testaburger appeared to be sleeping in, "Well well well, I never thought I'd see the day." she said to herself as she walked toward her friend's bed, "Wakey wake-" the girl pulled the blankets back to find that her best friend had apparently broken a promise they'd made in the second grade and had a sleepover without her.

"Fuck off Karen, it's like the middle of the night." Kenny half-unconsciously stated before burying his face in what may have been the softest pillow he'd ever laid his head on.

"Kenny, be nice." Wendy insisted.

"Nice Kenny only works from ten to ten. What time is it?" the boy questioned.

"10:15" Bebe answered.

"Make that twelve to twelve." Kenny corrected.

But while Kenny was fully content and prepared to sleep the rest of the day and maybe even the week if he had the opportunity, his girlfriend was just a little less eager to waste the day in bed, "It's that late?!" she questioned, jolting up in shock. The girl looked to her side to find that her boyfriend was still sleeping next to her in spite of his promise to be awake and gone before her parents had even woken up, "Why are you still here?! I thought you were going to set an alarm!" she reminded.

"I kind of have a habit of turning my alarm off in the morning. I'd probably never be in school if you didn't wake me up every day." the boy explained, half-asleep and still amazed that any bed could be so comfortable.

Wendy pushed her boyfriend out of bed, landing him face-first onto the ground, "AAAHH, MY DICK! I fell on my dick!" he lamented, gripping his crotch in pain, "It was hard too!"

The girl grabbed the phone off her nightstand to find out why her own alarm hadn't gone off, remembering that she unplugged it from its charger when she'd gotten an unexpected call the night prior, "And mine was dead. Great. Like my near-perfect attendance needed another tardy."

"I think they prefer the term mentally challenged." Kenny corrected as he made his way back to his feet.

"Shut up, I'm mad at you!" Wendy informed, "As if my parents weren't mad enough after they found that mixtape you made me."

"'Songs I'll Choke You Out To While Wrecking Your Uterus', my magnum opus." the boy recalled with a grin.

"Holy shit, what the hell was on it?!" Bebe asked.

"Love Shack. On repeat. For the whole tape." Wendy answered with a roll of her eyes.

"The greatest song ever written." Kenny added.

Wendy took a moment to gather her thoughts, "Okay, my mom should've just left for work, if we hurry we can still get to school before my attendance is ruined beyond repair." she explained, "You may have to call in and pretend to be my father."

"Oh ho ho, oui oui, my daughter will be coming in late today, sivouplate?." Kenny agreed in a bad accent.

"My father does not have a French accent and if you do one while impersonating him then I will castrate you." the girl warned.

"Fine, what do I know? I've only called in sick a thousand times since I was eight." the boy reminded with a shrug.

"Wait, you guys didn't hear?" Bebe asked, getting the pair's attention, "School's canceled for the rest of the week after the murders." she explained.

The other girl sighed in relief, "Thank god."

"Yeah, good to know Tweek didn't die in vain." Kenny noted.

Wendy's eyes widened in horror when she realized the implication of what she'd just said, "No, I didn't mean-" she began to defend. Maybe it was the fact that she had an immortal boyfriend who she'd watched die multiple times without consequence or maybe it was her assurance that Hell was a very real place and everyone goes there but it's cool because, as the late great Bon Scott once wrote, it ain't a bad place to be. Regardless of the why, it was becoming increasingly obvious to the girl that she'd become overly placid with the concept of death, and she wasn't entirely sure how she felt about that.

Kenny picked up his phone and checked his messages, "Speaking of the recently deceased, I just got a text from Craig."

"Aw, I almost forgot all about him." Bebe said, "How's he doing?"

"He said, 'I fucking hate you, I'd wish cancer on you but that's way better than you deserve. I'll text back when I think of something worse.'" the boy recited, "I'm gonna take a wild guess and say he's not taking it well." he added, he meant for it to be a joke, but the bit of hurt in his voice sort of killed his attempt to lighten the mood.

The room was quiet for a moment before Bebe spoke up, "So… Horrible tragedies aside, I take it you two had a good night?" she said with a grin.

"I was plagued with nightmares and nearly got hypothermia." Kenny answered.

"And I was woken up at 2AM because my boyfriend had a nightmare and walked three neighborhoods in the freezing cold to come sleep with me." Wendy added.

"But after I got here, I slept amazingly."

"Honestly, me too."

"Aw, that is so sweet!" Bebe gushed as she sat down on the bed, "You two are just so totally adorable, how you'll always go out of your ways for each other no matter what and I'm sitting in cum aren't I?" she questioned before jumping back to her feet, "Gross. Sweet and romantic, but gross."

Kenny's phone vibrated in his hand, "Oh good, Craig got back to me, 'Super-gonorrhea-aids-cancer of the dick, that's what you deserve.'" he read off, "Credit where it's due, that does sound like a pretty shitty way to go."

"Why is Craig mad at you anyway?" Bebe asked, "It's not like you killed Tweek… You didn't, right?"

"I was with Wendy all night, she can vouch for me." the boy assured, "Good luck telling that to him though, he's 100% convinced that everything bad that happens in this town has something to do with me, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman."

The girl thought about it for a moment, "I mean, I can see where he's coming from." she admitted.

"Well shit, sorry for literally being the cause of everyone's problems, my bad, I'll try harder to stop existing." Kenny sarcastically stated before lighting a cigarette.

"If you're going to do that in here then do it by the window!" Wendy ordered, to which he respectfully acquiesced.

"I'm not saying you're the direct source, but you've gotta admit, every time something weird happens you guys tend to be in the middle of it." Bebe expressed.

"The first time I ever hung out with you guys was when Kyle's brother was abducted by aliens." Wendy reminded.

"I'm pretty sure I remember you guys having something to do with that mech lizard bitch destroying the town that one time… And the time after that." the other girl added.

"There was the time Stan became a cult leader and got the whole town sued."

"Remember when Cartman tried to eradicate the Jews because of a movie he saw?"

"Alright, what is this, a fucking clip show?!" Kenny asked, "So maybe in the past we've had a tendency to get stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I had absolutely nothing to do with Tweek's murder! But will Craig listen? Hell no! Not like it matters anyway, even if he did believe me it still wouldn't bring Tweek back!"

"Maybe you can't bring him back, but maybe Craig would feel a little better if his boyfriend's killer was brought to justice." Bebe alluded, "If only there was some kind of crime-fighting power-couple in town we could call to solve this mystery."

Kenny and Wendy looked at each other in sudden realization.

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As the sun went down on that night, Stan, Cartman, and Butters gathered outside of Kyle's house, the fourth member joining them as well once they were all there, "Alright Cartman, we're all here. So are you gonna finally tell us what this big genius plan is?" Stan questioned.

"Yeah Cartman, let's hear it." Kyle implored.

"Well gentlemen, as we all know, our dear departed friend Tweek was murdered last night."

"And Heidi, Alex, Rebecca, Tammy, Allison, and Beth." Kyle reminded.

"And a bunch of other kids no one except Kyle actually cares about." Cartman corrected.

"Wasn't Heidi your girlfriend for a while?" Stan recalled.

"I don't know, I get mad puss all the time, you really expect me to remember one dead bitch?" the fat bastard questioned.

"Only when it's the only actual girl who, for some reason, ever showed you any kind of affection in the slightest." Kyle countered.

"Alright, so what about the murders?" Stan asked, getting back on topic.

"I'm glad you asked Stan." Cartman said, happy to get the attention off his non-existent love-life, "Today on the news they said the police were offering a reward to anyone who comes out with any details about the massacre."

"I don't like where this is going."

"Shut up, Kyle." the fat teen commanded, "So we go down to the school, break in, look for clues that the cops might've missed (and knowing the cops in this town it's a miracle they even found the crime scene), and cash in!" he explained.

"I-I don't know about this, Eric. Isn't that k-kinda scummy?" Butters interjected, "Besides, if my parents find out I broke into the school to investigate a murder, they'll ground me!"

"What could possibly be scummy about helping bring our friend's murderer to justice!?" Cartman argued.

"The part where we profit off of our friend's murder." Kyle monotonously stated.

The heavyset teen rolled his eyes, "Think about it this way, imagine we do go and investigate, and let's say we found some piece of damning evidence that brings this fucker to justice. Think about how those dead kids' families would feel. Craig might even stop sending us those creepy texts."

"Yeah, what's up with that anyway?" Stan questioned, "Did you guys get the one about Super-dick-cancer-aids?"

"Forget about Craig, he's an asshole anyway." Cartman brushed off, "So, you guys in or not?"

The boys thought about it for a moment, "I'm in." Kyle agreed, "But I'm only doing it for the families of the deceased."

"Yeah, we'll see about that when the reward money comes it, ya dirty fuckin' jew." Cartman mumbled to himself, "Stan? Butters?"

"Alright, I'm in too." Stan agreed.

"I still don't know about this, fellers." Butters trepidatiously stated.

"Alright, Butters is in." Cartman decided on the boy's behalf.

"Aw hamburgers." he cursed.

"Let's go catch a killer. Kyle, you're driving."

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The goth kids pulled into the school parking lot in Henrietta's mom's sedan, piling out after she illegally parked in two handicap spaces. "Alright so here's the plan, he likes Karen best, so she'll lure him out with the ham so Firkle can beat him over the head with a crowbar."

"What do Pete and I do?" Michael asked.

"Shut up and look pretty until it's time to drag a tiny corpse into the trunk." the girl stated.

As they approached the school, another car pulled up in front of them, Cartman and the gang piling out, "Alright here's the plan, if we find the killer we'll push Kyle forward so he kills him first, then Butters takes a picture while he's distracted."

"Aw jeez, I-I don't think I can bear to watch that, I'm squeamish!" Butters pointed out.

"Don't worry Butters because we're not sacrificing Kyle to a mass murderer!" Stan assured.

"Aww, come on guys, what if it's-" Cartman began, only to be cut off by a voice that was none of their own.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?!" Henrietta questioned, gaining the group's attention.

"Us? What are you doing here?" Stan questioned.

"The fat bitch and her black knights probably came to get the reward money for themselves!" Cartman hypothesized.

"Who do you think you're calling fat?!" the girl exclaimed, and she raised a great point. Unlike Cartman, Henrietta had actually lost a lot of weight over the years, making her surprisingly hot by conformist standards, her only real drawback being the fact that she was the local queen of the goths. Not that she cared what he or any other conformist pig thought of her, but she wasn't about to let some bloated worm talk shit on her.

Unfortunately, before the goth could jack up the kill count of the week to eight and rip Cartman's throat out, the town's resident vigilante team arrived at the scene, Mysterion carrying a bag of supplies and Call Girl holding a list that she read off of, "Bait?"

"Check." Mysterion affirmed.

"Cages?"

"Check."

"Bear spray."

"Checkerino."

"Please don't say things like 'checkerino' in that voice, it's unsettling." Call Girl requested.

"No promises."

"Alright, looks like we're ready, let's go set the traps." the girl said.

"What the fuck are you two doing here?!" Cartman interrogated.

Mysterion and Call Girl looked at each other and back at Cartman, "Our job." they both answered in unison before making their way to the front door, Mysterion laid down his bag of traps and got to work on picking the lock.

"What job? Rat extermination?" Stan questioned as he looked at the pair's supplies.

"Go home Stan, you guys clearly don't know what you're up against." Mysterion stated.

"Oh, and you assholes do?" Cartman challenged, "This is a massacre scene, not a possum infestation under your house!"

"Which only proves that you guys seriously don't know what you're up against." Call Girl noted, "Let me guess, you guys just got together ten minutes ago and decided to check out the crime scene for the reward money?" she assumed.

The boys tensed slightly at the accusation, "Y-yeah, so!?" Cartman argued.

"Well, Mysterion and I spent all day investigating the mortuary, examining the bodies, and reading the coroner's reports, and all signs point to the massacre being an animal attack."

The goth kids listened to the heroine as she explained, impressed with the effort they put into their investigation and concerned that the pair might get them all caught. Did you know cloning five people into an unstable deformed midget breaks international law even if it doesn't massacre a room full of teenagers? The goth kids knew that, and it became clear that they absolutely needed to find Charlie before Mysterion and Call Girl did. So naturally, while Mysterion was still picking the lock, Michael chose the much quicker option of picking up a rock and throwing it through a window, "Let's go." he said, leading his friends forward.

The other two groups watched as Firkle cleared away the loose shards of glass with his crowbar before the tallest goth helped him, Karen, Pete, and Henrietta into the building before climbing in himself.

Naturally, Cartman and the guys rushed to follow while Mysterion and Call Girl shook their heads in disbelief, "Amateurs." the boy remarked as he finally popped the lock and opened the door, "Ladies first." he insisted.

"Wow, such a gentleman." she teased, unaware that her boyfriend was just taking the opportunity to stare at her ass in that tight costume.

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As the goth kids walked through the barren halls of the school, they couldn't help but notice the unwanted company on their tails, "Will you assholes stop following us?!" Henrietta demanded.

"Why? So you guys can keep the reward money all for yourselves? Fat chance, bitch!" Cartman exclaimed.

"Can I make a suggestion?" Kyle asked, gaining the two groups' collective attention, "Clearly neither of us are going to trust the others alone, so why don't we all just split up into different groups?"

"Jeepers Fred, you you really think that's a good idea?" Henrietta sarcastically asked.

Kyle rolled his eyes and pulled a piece of paper out of his coat pocket, writing down Stan's, Cartman's, Butters', and his own name and ripping it into pieces, "Firkle, can I borrow your new top hat?" he requested.

"Because you're the first one to notice it, yes you may." the youngest goth agreed, handing it over.

Kyle dropped the names into the hat and handed it back, "Just pick a name and we'll all split up with whoever we get." he explained.

Firkle picked the first name, "Which one of you is Butters again?" he questioned.

Butters raised his hand, "Th-that'd be me, F-Firkle."

The younger boy sighed, "It was a losing game no matter what, I'm just glad I didn't get the lard ass."

"HEY!" Cartman protested.

Pete was the next to choose a name, "Kyle." he read aloud, relieved to have gotten the least objectionable member of the group.

Michael was next, "Please don't let me get the fat one." he said under his breath, pulling the last piece out with a sigh, "Stan."

"FUCK!" Henrietta shouted. With the groups decided, there was just a matter of what to do with the goths' fifth member, "Karen, I guess you'll have to come with-" the girl started, noticing the absence of the younger girl, "Where the fuck did Karen go?!"

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Mysterion and Call Girl had a similar idea as the others to split up and cover more ground, not before the boy gave her his revolver of course, ya know "Just in case.". Mysterion could die all he wanted, but Mysterion's girlfriend didn't have the same privilege.

Of course, depending on who you asked, Mysterion's girlfriend could be one of two people, and depending on how you look at it, Mysterion's girlfriend had just joined him in the classroom he was in, "That was quick." he noted, "You didn't forget some-" the boy turned around to find that he was joined, not by his partner in crime-fighting, but instead by the other woman in his life.

"It's been a while. Don't you know it's not nice to make your girlfriend worry?" Karen asked.

Ya know how Superman has Kryptonite? That one and only thing that can render him powerless? Well, Mysterion's Kryptonite came in the form of a teenage girl with a sex-drive matched only by her older brother. I know, there's worse weaknesses to have, but I think you can figure out why it's a problem here, and if you can't then you either haven't been paying attention or you're a man after my own porn history. "Karen, what are you doing here?" the superhero questioned in his deep gravelly voice.

"Aw, aren't you happy to see me?" she asked, slowly approaching her hero.

"I mean, yeah, of course I-"

"So what's the deal with you and Call Girl? I'm jealous." Karen stated. The boy found himself backed into a corner, or more specifically against a desk, his 'girlfriend' just a few inches from his face, "You were my first kiss you know." she reminded before wrapping her arms around his neck and recreating the moment.

Mysterion just stood there and let the girl stick her tongue in his mouth, taking his hood down before she pulled back and watching her facial expression change from one of lust to confusion. "We need to talk." Kenny stated.

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"So… Does-"

Michael cut Stan off before he even had a chance to ask the question on his mind, "Neither of them talk about you, ever. You greatly overestimate your significance in this world." he preemptively answered.

"Fuck dude. You could just say no." the other teen pointed out.

"I'm pretty sure your ex-girlfriend 'just said no' and it took you getting your ass kicked to get the message through." the goth reminded, "Your reliance on being in a relationship is gross by the way, every time you get dumped you lash out and act like a tool, you should really learn to be comfortable with yourself before you expect someone else to show you the same courtesy."

"What do you know, have you ever even had a girlfriend?" Stan questioned.

"I'm dating Shelly." Michael monotonously answered.

Stan's eyes widened in shock as he stopped walking "MY SISTER?!" he questioned.

"Yeah." the goth answered as he continued down the hall.

Stan rushed to catch up to the other teen, "How did I not know about this?!" he questioned.

"Clearly because she didn't feel the need to tell you." Michael stated, "Like I said, you greatly overestimate your significance in this world."

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Henrietta was surprised to find that Cartman wasn't nearly as annoying as she thought he'd be, in fact, she was even impressed with how much anyone could possibly surpass all expectations of just how annoying one person could be, holy fucking shit! "GOD! DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?!" the girl questioned.

"I just don't get it! What the fuck is so bad about your lives that you have to act so miserable and bitchy all the time?" Cartman asked.

"Well for one thing, I've got an annoying fat little tumor that won't stop talking my fucking ear off!" the girl answered.

"I'm not fat, I'm big boned!" the fat bastard corrected.

The girl rolled her eyes, "Holy shit, seriously? That's your excuse?!"

"Hey! It's not an excuse!" Cartman insisted, "I happen to have a rare genetic condition that makes me look fat, but for real I'm actually totally ripped."

Henrietta grabbed the boy's tit, "This is not a bone, you have boobs that conformist whores would kill for." she explained.

Cartman slapped the girl's hand away before speaking, "Touch me again and I'll make you eat your own parents!"

"Unless you eat them first, right?" she said with a smirk.

"You'd better watch your ass!" the boy warned.

"How about you watch it for me while I walk away." the girl stated before doing just that.

"Hey! Don't you walk away from me! I'm not done with you! GET BACK HERE YOU BITCH!"

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Call Girl shook her head as she set up a trap in the boys' locker room, eyeing the gun at her side every now and then with discomfort, "Why did I take this thing? I hate guns!" she said to herself.

Suddenly, she heard the door open and quickly grabbed the revolver, pointing it directly at the intruders with intent, "WOAH, WHAT THE FUCK WENDY?!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Seriously, what kind of superhero carries a gun?!" Pete added.

The girl lowered her weapon once she realized there was no threat, which is to say she could totally kick both these guys' asses without a weapon of any kind. "Ever heard of Deadpool?" she questioned, holstering the pistol in her tights before returning to her work.

"So… You haven't seen the… Animal, right?" Pete asked as the tension died down a little.

Call Girl shook her head, "Not yet."

The goth sighed in relief, luckily going unnoticed as Kyle continued the interrogation, "What about clues? Any insight of what this thing might be?" he asked.

"None that are plausible." she answered.

"What does that mean?" Pete nervously asked.

"It means the marks on the bodies aren't like anything you'd reasonably find in nature. From what we could piece together, the animal would have to be some kind of baboon with wolverine claws." she explained, shuddering as she recalled their investigation of the mortuary. Wendy wasn't squeamish by any means, but there was something about seeing Tweek's lifeless body lying cold on that metal table, his messy blonde hair stained with blood, she'd never really noticed it until he stopped shaking and twitching, but it was actually a bit horrifying just how much the dead boy looked like Kenny.

She'd watched her boyfriend die a number of times at this point, but it always came with the assurance that he'd return the morning after as though nothing had happened. It wasn't until she'd seen Tweek that she thought about how she might feel if Kenny didn't come back. She thought about how she felt when she first killed him, they weren't even dating at that point and just look at how sad and distraught she'd become until she finally learned the truth. Then there was her boyfriend's incarceration, where she'd practically had an extended nervous breakdown until he got out of jail.

What if, for whatever reason, Kenny didn't come back the next time he died? That was the question on Wendy's mind, and it wasn't a question she liked to think about.

"Maybe it's something from Mephesto's lab?" Kyle suggested.

"Huh?" the girl questioned before remembering what it was they were talking about, "Oh yeah, maybe." she said, trying to get her mind off the nagging thought she'd had ever since they'd left the morgue.

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"So, wh-what do ya think this thing is anyway?" Butters asked his assigned partner.

Firkle shrugged, "No idea." he lied, gripping his crowbar just in case they ran into the affront to God he helped create.

The two walked in silence, not much to talk about, but that certainly didn't stop Butters from trying, "Is your name really Firkle?" he randomly asked for lack of better small talk.

The younger teen hardly reacted, "Is your name really Butters?" he countered.

"Well, no. M-My name's Leopold, but Kenny once called me Butters in preschool and the name kinda stuck." he explained with a sort of nervous laugh, "I know it's kinda stupid, but I like it, it's kind of, what's that one word?"

"Unique?" Firkle assumed.

"Yeah, that's it!" the older teen affirmed, "I mean, with all the Leopolds in the world, I don't think I've ever met another Butters. It feels more special." he explained.

Firkle nodded, "I can respect that."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah." the boy restated, "My friends gave me my name too, and I like Firkle a hell of a lot better than Georgie."

"Aw, I think Georgie's a nice name." Butters said with a smile.

"I want to burn my parents alive for giving me it." Firkle stated.

The older boy gulped, "W-Well, I get a little steamed at my parents too sometimes." he revealed, "They're always yellin' at me and groundin' me for stuff I didn't do."

"So what do you do about it?"

"Huh? W-Well I usually just say I'm sorry and go to my room and think about what I did." Butters explained.

"Even if you didn't do anything?"

"W-Well yeah." the boy admitted, "What else am I supposed to do?"

"Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself." Firkle explained.

"I-I don't know about that, what if they ground me?" Butters asked.

"So what? If they're going to ground you anyway then what's the point in just taking it like a pussy? At least show you won't get fucked around without a fight." the younger boy explained, "When people know you'll let them take advantage of you then they will. It's like a law of nature."

"Well gee, I never really thought of it like that" Butters relented, more to get off the subject than anything, little did he realize their conversation would be cut off just a moment later with a rattle in the ceiling above them, "Did you hear that?" he asked.

Firkle did, but it didn't matter, he didn't have more than a slim two-second window to react before his illegitimate hellspawn dropped down from the ceiling, right on top of him, the boy didn't even have a second to think before he dropped his crowbar and screamed in pain as his eyes were being clawed out. "STOP! GET HIM OFF ME! HELP!" the boy screamed. One could very well say that it was the most emotion anyone had ever seen Firkle express, probably because it was. Strange, even someone as quietly monotonous as Firkle will beg for mercy in the face of death.

But Firkle didn't die. He certainly would've, but he didn't. Firkle would go on to live a while longer thanks to the sacrifice of the most unlikely hero he'd ever know, the most unlikely we'd ever know.

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"So how far were you gonna take it?" Karen asked, an amused smirk on her face as she interrogated her brother/ex-boyfriend.

"What do you mean?" Kenny asked.

"You know what I mean." the girl stated, her smirk widening by the second, "I know what I felt when we first kissed, and I know you felt it too."

Kenny gave a nervous laugh, "Oh yeah? And what's that?" he questioned.

"Your tongue in my mouth." the girl reminded.

The boy couldn't help but gulp in fear, "Don't be weird." he requested.

"Nah, let's be weird!" Karen insisted, "Let's say the week after we kissed never happened, let's say you never got together with Wendy, just how far were you gonna take your secret incestuous relationship with your little sister?" she questioned.

"I- No, you- It wasn't- I just-" Kenny attempted to argue, he was silenced long before he could get his thoughts together though.

"Don't worry, the cops don't need to know a thing." Karen assured, "I just wish you told me sooner, maybe we could've made it work." she said with a grin.

"R-really?" the boy asked, not really considering the question's implication.

"Ha! Perv! You were totally gonna fuck your little sister!" she accused with a laugh.

"No the fuck I wasn't!" Kenny stated (Lied? I'll let you be the judge of that), "You're such a bitch!"

"And don't you forget it." the girl stated, giving her brother one last kiss.

As Kenny began to realize the fact that his perversion just may reach a level beyond what even he'd expected, the two had been distracted by what sounded like two little girls screaming in fear. "That was Butters!" Kenny noted.

"That was Firkle!" Karen stated at the exact same time, and while she would always look up to Mysterion as her hero, he would never forget the fact that she was just as quick to run out and help as he was.

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Firkle wasn't around when Kenny and Karen showed up to the scene, Butters having told the boy to run away and save himself minutes earlier. The only thing Karen saw when she'd arrived was the homunculous she'd helped create, ripping, tearing, and chewing at the intestines and other such organs of a slaughtered teenager who could only gasp for air, his voice having already gave out from screaming in anguish. That and Firkle's crowbar, which she almost immediately grabbed and used to bludgeon the creature she herself had named until he was dead.

Kenny didn't spare a moment before he rushed to Butters' side, immediately trying his best to force the organs back into the boy's abdomen. "Holy shit dude, holy fucking shit." he gasped out in horror before glancing at his sister, "Get Wendy, get the guys, get the goths, get somebody! We need a fucking ambulance, now!" Karen nodded, holding back her vomit as she rushed to find someone with a phone, her own lying forgotten on her nightstand at home. The boy hardly took his attention away from Butters, "Stay with me dude, you're gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay!" he insisted.

Butters coughed out a bit of blood on his own shirt, "K-Kenny…" he said, trying his best to get the words out, "I-I d-don't think this ever happened on The Simpsons." the boy stated with a forced smile.

Kenny shook his head with a small grin, "Nah, I don't think so either." he said with a tear in his eye, "It's gonna be okay dude, you've made it through worse than this! Remember that time I accidentally threw a ninja star into your eye? What about the time I nearly got you killed by a convict?"

The other boy gave something between a laugh and a cough in response, "Nah, I don't think this one's gonna end with me comin' out of the hospital in a few days." he grimly stated. "I… I think… I think this is it."

"Bullshit, that's fucking bullshit! Shut the fuck up, you fucking melvin, you're gonna be fine!" Kenny assured his eyes tearing up as he spoke, "You've gotta be fine, dude."

The hall was near-silent for a moment, the only sound between the two being their own heavy breathing, "Kenny, remember when we went to Hawaii?" Butters asked, the boy nodded, "I saw some of the prettiest flowers there." he stated.

Kenny took a few deep breaths at this, doing his best to compose himself as he accepted the inevitable, "That's… That's great Butters. Just… Just think about the pretty flowers."

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Dear Satan-

In the next day or two you're gonna get a new soul, his name's Leopold Stotch but he answers to Butters. I need you to do me a favor and watch out for him, I've got a feeling he's gonna be really confused and scared, probably a lot more than you're used to.

Just take it from me when I say he'll end up being the best friend you've ever had and the brightest ray of sunshine your world has ever seen, at least he was for me. I just wish I could've seen that sooner.

I hope you're doing well, tell Damien, Pip, and Tweek I said hey.

-Kenny McCormick

Kenny finished writing the letter and put it in an envelope, marking it with several demonic symbols before lighting it on fire, watching as it instantly went up in a cloud of smoke.

The teen dropped his head on the kitchen table before falling asleep, the nightmare of his life making his actual nightmares feel almost like a pleasant escape by comparison… Almost.

"Soon I will…"