"When I'm god, everyone dies."
-Marilyn Manson
Chapter 12
In which shit heats up to a boiling point you hadn't imagined possible
"And coming in at first place, it's number 8, Whiskey McTestaC-" the radio announcer said as his voice faded to static.
"Well, that was the last station out of South Park." Kenny noted, "What time is it?"
Wendy checked her phone, "About five."
"Sweet. We're making pretty good time." the boy stated, noting the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach, "You hungry?"
"Kinda."
"There's a Wendy's up here, you wanna-"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" his girlfriend shouted.
"Fuck dude! Why not?!" Kenny asked, his ear ringing after being screamed into.
"You know why." Wendy stated.
"Oh what, do you seriously think I'm gonna use it as an excuse to make jokes about your name?" the boy asked, "I'm honestly a little hurt that you'd think I'm that childish."
Wendy sighed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. Let's just go to IHOP instead." she offered.
"Alright, sounds good." Kenny agreed before pulling into the diner's parking lot, "I hear they sell burgers here now." he noted, "I think I might try one."
"If you say it, I will sock you in the nuts." the girl warned.
"What? I'm just saying I might wanna test a burger." Kenny said right before his girlfriend punched him in the balls… Hard, "Totally worth it." he gasped out in pain, undoing his seatbelt.
The pair exited his truck and made their way into the restaurant, seating themselves as the sign instructed before a waiter threw a pair of menus at them, "I'll be back whenever." the minimum wage worker stated.
Kenny opened his menu and began looking over his options. Wendy, who was already sure she wanted a plate of blueberry pancakes and a glass of orange juice (because breakfast for dinner freaking rules), had only her boyfriend to look at, staring at the determined expression plastered on his face, every thought in his head projected through his demeanor so clearly that he may as well have been wearing a shirt that said 'Something's wrong' in huge red letters. "What do you think you're going to find out there?" her mouth questioned with little input from her brain.
The boy shrugged, "Answers? I dunno." he admitted as he read through every entry listed on his menu.
Wendy nodded in understanding, powerless as her mouth continued to speak on her behalf, "You know I'm here for you, anything you want to talk about, I'm here." she assured.
Kenny smiled, "I know." he stated, looking up at the girl, "Thanks." and with this last word, the boy shut his menu and just sat there, staring his girlfriend right in her eyes, silently noting that they were the most beautiful shade of green he'd ever known in his life, 'What did I ever do to deserve you?' he wondered as the waiter approached their table.
"Can I take your order?" the young man questioned.
"Blueberry pancakes and a glass of orange juice, please." Wendy requested.
"Same." Kenny stated without any semblance of thought or hesitation as he continued to stare. Really, I can't even begin to describe Kenny's adoration for this girl, I could give you a good paragraph or two filled to the brim with simile and metaphor about the boy's emotion and it wouldn't be enough, I could go on about how his little pet-name for her was simply the best comparison he, as someone who's known literal angels, could possibly come up with. Fuck, he supposed even angel was something of an understatement, as Wendy was far more in his eyes, she was a goddess he'd worship long after his immortal curse wore off and they both faded into the afterlife, and should his curse never die, he'd walk the earth until even its own demise speaking fondly of the incredible woman he had the honor to love.
What more could I possibly say than that? He had it bad, badder than you or I could ever dream to know. But while he looked into her eyes with all the love and adoration he could muster, Wendy could only look into his with worry and fear, something was going on with her boyfriend, she could feel it, and the distance between Colorado to Massachusetts didn't even scratch the surface of how far she'd go to help him. If this trip took them to the very ends of the universe where not even the most powerful of gods dared to tread, then she'd be right by his side through the whole journey. That said, a few images still burned themselves into her mind, the paintings, Tweek's lifeless corpse, Kenny laying impaled on a barrel of javelins. She couldn't stand the idea of him getting hurt or worse, it tormented her in a way she'd never known, and it was in this moment that Wendy knew she'd do anything to keep her boyfriend safe.
Needless to say, the two could do no more than stare one another in the eyes until their food had arrived. A good thirty minutes to you and I, no more than a moment to them. It was odd for them, the act of eating in silence, they never did anything in silence, whenever the two were together they could just spend hours upon hours enraptured in deep conversation followed by deep penetration followed by weed medication that led them right back to deep conversation. Kenny would always have some epic story from his childhood or some new scheme to talk about, Wendy might go on about some cause she was passionate about or the latest gossip around the school. But now, nothing. The ambiance of the diner around them being the only indicator that the pair hadn't simultaneously gone deaf.
Wendy checked her phone to see it was around 6:30, "Hey, it's getting kind of late, you wanna check into that motel next door?" she asked.
Kenny nodded, the two paid their check and headed for the exit, nearly crashing into two guys in black suits on their way back to the truck, "Oh shit, sorry dude." the teen apologized.
"Don't…" the man took a good look at him, "Worry about it. I should've watched where I was going." he insisted in a deep voice.
Kenny and Wendy climbed into the truck and sat silently for a moment before throwing themselves at one another, their tongues meeting within a moment as Kenny's hand found its way down the back of his girlfriend's pants. "I love you so fucking much!" the boy exclaimed.
"Please don't ever die again!" she requested in return.
"You're the only one I wouldn't die for!" Kenny stated, taking a moment to think about what he just said, "That didn't come out right."
"I'm serious! I can't stand seeing you in pain, from the moment I first killed you, seeing you bleed out on the gym floor like that, it was the most excruciating thing I've ever experienced, knowing I put you through that!" Wendy recalled, playing back the scene in her mind as tears rolled down her face, "Just promise me you won't die ever again." the girl pleaded.
Kenny wiped the tears from his girlfriend's face, "Hey, don't shit talk that death, that's like my third favorite memory. I got the most important thing in my life from that death." he said with a smile as he ran his fingers through her hair, "Tell ya what, I'll promise not to die anymore if you promise to be by my side for the rest of my life, deal?" the boy offered, 'Fuck, that would've been perfect if I had the ring.' he thought, imagining himself pulling it out of his pocket and proposing to her right there. Oh well, he'll think of something else when the time comes, that's gonna be hard to top though.
"DEAL!" Wendy accepted without hesitation before returning her tongue to its rightful place in the oasis behind her boyfriend's teeth.
Before they knew it, Kenny's shirt was off and Wendy's bra was unhooked, it was at the point when she looked up and saw a homeless guy staring into their window that she decided the IHOP parking lot probably wasn't the best location for a passionate scene of intense lovemaking. "Kenny, motel." she said, trying to catch her breath.
"Right, motel good." he agreed, panting even harder as he struggled to get the key into the ignition… Not like in the sex way but like in the literal way.
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Kenny stood in the motel bathroom, checking his texts as he brushed his teeth with Wendy's toothbrush, his own lying forgotten back in South Park, "Just clean it off when you're done. Do you know how much bacteria can grow in the human mouth?" she asked.
The boy rolled his eyes, "Didn't seem like that much of a problem a few minutes ago when you were licking my tonsils." he reminded, spitting out the mint-flavored foam and cleaning the brush before returning it to the plastic bag it was packed in.
Now, Wendy knew her boyfriend had no interest in sports of any kind, but it was pretty clear to her that Kenny could be a star track runner if she stood by the finish line in a bikini. Seriously, it didn't take even a second for him to run back in and tackle her to the bed, "A-Ah, Kenny!" she gasped as the boy sucked on her neck, "You brought a condom, right?" she questioned, cautious as ever.
The boy nearly cried, "Aren't you on the pill?" he questioned.
"You know I'm not on the pill." the girl answered.
"FUUUUUUUCK!" Kenny screamed in lament, looking at the door with an idea, "I'll be right back!" he assured before rushing outside. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" he repeated before smacking on the room next door.
"We don't need housekeeping, fuck off!" a voice shouted from inside.
"Dude, it's an emergency! You got an extra rubber I can buy?!" he questioned.
"You came to a motel without a rubber? What the fuck's wrong with you?!" the man inside questioned.
"I DIDN'T PLAN THIS FAR AHEAD, DO YOU HAVE A RUBBER OR NOT!?" the boy repeated.
"Sorry man, I'm on the pill." a female voice explained from inside.
"FUCK! Lucky bastard." Kenny lamented, "Thanks anyway, have a good night."
"Oh trust me, I will dude!" the man stated, "Good luck!"
Kenny rushed to the other neighboring door, smacking on it as though it were his girlfriend's ass THAT HE COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT, 'FUCK! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!' he mentally screamed.
The door opened within a moment, "Hello?" the suited man inside answered.
"Dude, I need a rubber, a rubber, my kingdom for a rubber!" he hastily explained, holding out his wallet with intent to pay the man his entire fortune of twenty bucks, an old joint, and a condom for just one… "Wait…" Kenny pulled the rubber out of his wallet, unexpired, unbroken, "Unbelievable. Shit, sorry to bug ya dude, I guess I kinda forgot I keep one in here."
"You really shouldn't keep them in there you know. that's a good way to break them if you're not careful." the man in black explained, "Keep a box in your truck's glove compartment so you'll always have them on hand, this will come up again." he advised before shutting the door.
"Fuck yeah." the boy celebrated with a grin, but the blood from his cock was quickly draining, and once that blood finally circulated back to his brain, a question entered his head 'How'd he know I drive a truck?'. That got him thinking, the black suit, the deep voice, he's seen that dude somewhere, he'd seen that dude earlier that night 'That was the dude I ran into at IHOP.' he recalled, pulling out his phone to reread the text he'd gotten from Bebe.
'There's two creepy guys in Benny's talking about you, they're wearing black suits and calling you a threat to humanity that needs to be contained. What's up with that?'
It was at this point Kenny realized he needed to get the fuck out of there as quick as humanly possible. He rushed back into his room to be greeted by his girlfriend.
"Did you find a condom?" she asked.
Kenny made his way over to the bed, grabbing the pen and notepad from the nightstand, writing something down on it as he spoke. "Uh, yeah, yeah I did. But uh, ya know, it was in my wallet and it might break. I was thinking maybe I could go in raw and pull out?"
"What? Kenny, you know that's not going to work for me! That is so risky, I can't believe you'd even think I'd agree to that!" his girlfriend lectured.
"Yeah, I get it, I just think it'd be a good idea, ya know." he explained, handing over the paper.
Wendy silently read the message that said, 'I think we're being listened to, we've gotta get out of here.'
"I could just pull out as fast as possible." the boy emphasized.
"Maybe…" she agreed, grabbing the TV remote, "But maybe we should think it through first." she stated, turning on the porn channel, "Maybe we should try going through the back?" she suggested, gesturing toward the bathroom window.
Kenny smiled at the girl's plan, "I love you so fucking much." he stated as Wendy rented a random porno and cranked up the volume.
The pair rushed out through the window as the movie projected the sounds of loud intense fucking throughout the room, the only other sound being the guy in the room next door shouting "Fuck yeah dude! I knew you'd figure it out!"
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Kenny and Wendy ran out to the truck, the boy preparing to climb inside before his girlfriend stopped him, "Wait!" she quietly demanded before feeling the area around the tires.
"What are you-"
"Knew it!" she whispered, pulling a GPS tracker off the truck's undercarriage. Wendy looked up at the road to see another truck driving in the opposite direction of where they needed to go and handed the tracker to her boyfriend, "I'll distract this guy, you put it in the back of his truck." she instructed before adjusting her tits and walking up to the road, flagging the guy down.
"What's up dude?" the man questioned, his attention almost completely focused on an area that would get him slapped under any other circumstance, "You've got maple syrup on your tit."
Wendy looked down to see that he was right before brushing it off, "Hi, I'm like, sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering how far the nearest gas station is? I'm really thirsty and I don't want to wake up my boyfriend to drive me around to find one." she lied, glancing over to see Kenny crouched behind the truck, shooting her a thumbs up.
"Oh shit man, I know this one place back that way." the guy said, pointing back the way he came, "Sometimes I score really good shit from these two dudes that hang out in the parking lot. It's not far but I can give you a ride if you want."
Wendy examined the guy, he had long hair and stunk of weed, beer, and cigarettes, and as tempting as his offer was, she already had a cute stoner dirtbag to make passes at her while he drove her around, "Aw, that's so sweet of you. But it's such a nice night I think I'd rather walk." she explained before giving the man a hug through the window, "Thanks again!"
The man drove off into the night with the tracker in the back of his vehicle while Wendy walked back to Kenny's truck. All her boyfriend could do was replay the whole scene in his mind as she approached him, "Dude, you are so fucking hot when you're in the zone like that."
The girl rolled her eyes, "Come on, let's get the hell out of here." she stated, hopping behind the wheel as Kenny climbed into the passenger seat.
"How did you even know?" the boy questioned.
"While you were reading romance novels, I was reading spy books." she explained simply before slowly pulling out of the motel parking lot and slamming the gas once she was on the road.
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"Any updates Carter?"
"Nothing Jones." Carter answered, a pair of headphones around his ears so he could listen to the loud screwing going on in the room next door, "Still going at it like animals." he reported. "I don't get it, why don't we just go in there and literally catch him with his pants down?" the agent questioned.
"Well it's very simple, you fucking noob. The Foundation finds that entities tend to be harder to research when they know they're being examined, especially ones as human-like as this. We don't know what he's capable of or what sort of powers he may be hiding, all we know is that he's somehow linked with the Old Ones. If he is capable of some superhuman abilities then it's important we know about them before we try to contain him."
"I guess that makes sense." Agent Carter said with a nod as he continued to listen in on the two young lovers, "Ya know, this sounds kind of familiar." the man pondered.
"You make a habit of listening to teenagers bang?" Agent Jones questioned with a smirk.
"Of course not, don't be creepy." the other agent assured, "There's just something about the way she calls him 'step-brother' that sounds just like…" Carter's eyes widened in realization as he stormed out of the room, looking at the spot where their truck was to find it was no longer there, "DAMMIT! They're onto us!" he shouted in anger.
Jones stepped out of the room to see the source of his partner's distress, "Shit, I'll check the GPS, they couldn't have gotten far." he stated, making his way back into the room.
Carter shook his head in frustration, "Whatever this kid is, he's crafty."
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It was Valentines day at South Park Preschool and a young Wendy Testaburger sat at her table, putting the finishing touches on a note she'd been making for the boy in the orange coat she met on the playground. It was cute, well thought out, and coated with stickers and glitter, a grand presentation for a simple message that said "I really like you.", short sweet and to the point.
Once it was finished, the girl signed her name with a little heart and looked over to the table where the boy sat, it was empty, he and his friends not having shown up yet. Wendy rushed over and placed the note on the table, excited for what was to come when he saw it.
A few minutes passed and the boys entered the classroom, "I'm telling you guys, it's this cool game my cousin taught me called Fireman, it's really cool!" a young Eric Cartman explained as he, Kenny, Stan, Kyle, and Trent all sat down at the table.
Within a moment, one of the boys spotted Wendy's note and picked it up, his eyes widening in disbelief "Holy crap guys! The purple hat girl likes me!" the boy exclaimed… Unfortunately, it wasn't the boy it was meant for.
Kenny watched as Stan celebrated, he was happy for his friend, he really was, but he couldn't help but feel like absolute shit as he tightened the strings of his hood and sunk in his chair, only to feel a hard punch on his left arm, "Ow! What the heck dude?" he questioned his assailant.
"What do you mean what the heck?!" Trent countered, "Aren't you gonna say anything? Do anything?!"
The other boy shook his head, "I uh… I don't know what you mean."
Trent scoffed, "Yeah, sure ya don't." he sarcastically said, "You're gonna tell that girl how ya feel today even if I've gotta twist your arm until ya do." the boy threatened before walking away.
Kenny just sat where he was, staring at the girl he had a crush on while Kyle and Cartman talked about how they'd go about starting a fire. But here's the weird thing, he wasn't looking through his own eyes, he was watching himself through the eyes of someone else, someone older who'd seen this all before because he'd lived it all before, someone who knew how this would all turn out. Kenny approached his younger self and kneeled down to talk into his ear, "Don't cry dude, you'll get her someday. It's gonna take a long fuckin' time to happen, but you're gonna marry that girl someday, I promise." he assured.
While he couldn't see it through the hood, Kenny could tell the boy was starting to smile, the word "Kickass." being quietly muffled from behind his hood.
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Kenny was awoken from his dream when the truck hit a bump, he took note of his surroundings to find he was lying across the seat, his feet pressed against the passenger's window and his head rested in Wendy's lap, "Fuck I love the smell of fresh pussy in the morning." the boy sleepily noted before sitting up, "Wait, have you been driving all night?"
"Yeah." she tiredly affirmed, "There's a gas station up here, we can refuel and…" the girl interrupted herself with a yawn, "And switch off."
"Holy shit dude, you've gotta be exhausted!" he noted.
"I am." the girl stated, struggling to keep her eyes opened as she pulled into the gas station and parked in front of the tank.
Kenny shook his head in disbelief before kissing his girlfriend, "Get some rest angel, you've earned it." he stated, to which she just moaned as the boy exited the truck. Kenny made his way across the parking lot and into the convenience store, grabbing a few energy drinks, a bag of pixie sticks, a few Slim Jims, and some weird vegan chips that Wendy likes before making his way to the counter. "Hey, I'm looking to fill up my gas tank." he requested.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!" the man at the counter furiously questioned, "What makes you think I'd wanna fill you up with anything?!" he added.
It was at this point that Kenny realized he'd seen this man before, "Tom Cruise?"
The man nodded, "That's right, totally hetero-sexual actor and Scientologist, Tom Cruise! What of it?!"
"Uh, nothing dude, it's just…"
"WHAT?!"
"I'm… I'm pretty sure me and my friends killed you when we were kids." Kenny explained.
Tom Cruise's eyes narrowed at the boy, "You weren't that little shit that called me a fudge packer, were you?"
Kenny shook his head, "No, that was Stan, I was the kid in the orange coat."
The man looked at Kenny with a thoughtful expression, "I don't remember you." he bluntly stated.
The boy sighed, "It's cool, nobody ever does." he stated, "So what gives? What are you doing alive and working in a gas station?"
Tom Cruise sighed, "I'm working in a gas station because everyone thinks I'm dead, thanks for that." he explained.
"But you were dead, right?" Kenny asked.
"Yeah. The Church of Scientology has ways of fixing that." he explained, "What? You said you were there when I died, right? You saw all the crazy shit that went down, does someone coming back from the dead really surprise you that much?"
"Dude, you have no idea how much that doesn't surprise me." the boy answered, "So, ring me up?"
"Alright." Tom Cruise agreed, listing off the items as he rung them up "Energy drinks."
"Gotta have those sweet cans of power. You like power cans Tom?" the boy asked.
"Pixie sticks."
"I'll bet you just love those fairy sticks, right?"
Tom Cruise did his best to ignore the remarks as he continued, "Slim Jims."
"Salty meat logs, I can't get enough of 'em, how 'bout you?"
The man kept professional as he ran up the last item, "And a bag of chips."
"Hey, careful you don't handle the bag too hard." Kenny warned.
Tom Cruise sighed as he finished his job, "And ten gallons on tank 2. Will that be all?"
Kenny thought for a moment before speaking, "You're fuckin' gay." he stated with a laugh, tossing the money on the counter and snatching his bag before running out the door.
"YOU LITTLE BASTARD! I'M GONNA FUCKING SUE YOU SO HARD, JUST YOU WAIT!" the man shouted, laying his head on the counter once he was alone, "I miss my closet, it's safe in the closet, no one ever makes fun of me in the closet."
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Stan Marsh walked past the railroad tracks, noting the familiar territory that he hadn't approached in months. Still, the muscle memory that he'd known since he was just a child carried him to the house of someone he'd once considered a great friend, he walked toward the door of the McCormick household, knocking on it, the doorbell having been broken for as long as he could remember.
The door opened a moment later, Kenny's younger sister greeting the boy with what he recognized as a mock face of helplessness, "My daddy's gonna pay the bills as soon as he can, please don't toss us out on the-" Karen ceased her act when she saw who was actually at the door, "Stan?" she questioned.
The boy laughed, "Hey Karen, how's it going?" the boy asked.
"Uh… Good, it's going real good." she answered, "What's up?"
"Not much. Is Kenny home? I wanna talk to him." the boy stated.
"Talk to him?" the girl questioned with a skeptical look, "Last time you wanted to talk to him you threw a brick at his face." she reminded.
Stan cringed at the memory, "Yeah… That was… I…" the boy took a deep breath to collect himself, "That's kind of why I wanna see him." he stated, "I- I just really need to talk to him right now. Do you know where he is?"
Karen took note of the boy's composure, it wasn't malevolent, he wasn't here for a fight, there was something about him that looked… Honest? Maybe even remorseful? He was there to talk, that much was obvious, it was just unfortunate that the one he was there to speak with was somewhere she really couldn't pinpoint at the moment. "He's not here, him and Wendy are on their way to Massachusetts right now." the girl explained.
Stan gave a semi-confused look before understanding completely, "It's about his nightmares, isn't it?" he presumed. Karen nodded and the boy laughed, "Shit, maybe we should've heard him out. That sounds exactly like something we should all be there for." the boy noted with a sigh, "Can you do me a favor? Just tell him I was here and I wanna talk to him when he comes back, please?" Stan requested.
Karen nodded, "Alright, I can do that." she agreed.
Stan smiled, "Thanks Karen… It was nice talking to you, you know you were always like a sister to all of us." he noted before walking away, "Later."
"Later." the girl stated before shutting the door, "Fuck, I thought we finally got rid of those idiots!"
The girl made her way back to her room, entering the door just in time to hear her phone buzz. She checked the device to see a text from Henrietta that said, "We've got everything we need. Come over tonight."
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Kenny was downing about five pixie sticks at once when he saw the sign that said "Welcome to Innsmouth Massachusetts" his eyes widening at the sight as he shook his girlfriend awake, "Wends, wake up!" he said.
"Wha- Huh? What's up?" she questioned as she rejoined the world of the living.
"We're here." the boy stated, pulling into a random lot that said 'Free parking'. Kenny got out of his truck and breathed in the salty air paired the stench of rotting wood, a smell that he'd never before known yet knew all too well at the same time, "This is it." he affirmed, "This is the place from my nightmares."
Wendy smiled as she exited the truck to join him, "So, you ready to go find some answers?" she asked.
Kenny nodded, "You bet your sweet little ass I am." he answered, holding her to his side as they began walking the streets of the odd town.
Wendy watched her boyfriend's face, how he was absolutely enamored with their surroundings, a look that combined wonder and dread overcame his features as he navigated the town he seemed to know like the back of his hand, "Everything you thought it would be?" she asked.
The boy nodded, "To a fuckin' T." he stated, looking around every corner in disbelief, he looked down to his feet, instinctively dodging a dead rat on the sidewalk, "Even the freakin' roadkill's right where I remember it." he noted.
"What about the bar from the painting?" Wendy questioned, their mission being her top priority.
"Right up the street and around the next corner." the boy stated from memory.
The pair made their way up the sidewalk, following Kenny's directions until they were right in front of Innsmouth Tavern, "This is incredible." Wendy stated with an awed look.
"Right?" the boy agreed, an equally disbelieving look on his own face.
"So, you wanna go in?" Wendy asked.
"I mean, if there's answers, this has gotta be the place to find 'em, right?" he questioned with a shrug.
Kenny and Wendy entered the establishment and sat down at the bar, "What can I get for ya?" the bartender asked.
"Two beers please." Kenny answered, flashing his license. The bartender looked at the ID with a satisfied nod before pouring the drinks.
Wendy, confused at why her underage boyfriend was able to so easily order drinks in a bar, quickly snatched the boy's wallet, "Kevin McCormick?" she questioned in a whisper, "You stole your brother's license?!"
"No, just his identity." Kenny assured, "Look, I've been the family's designated driver since I was twelve, I kinda need a license." he explained, "Don't give me that look, I'll get my own on my birthday."
"On your… Are you fifteen?!" the girl questioned.
"You sound disappointed, didn't know you were so into older men." he said with a smirk as he reacquired his wallet and returned it to his pocket as their drinks showed up.
Wendy didn't have time to further question her boyfriend about his age or the fact that he had apparently driven halfway across the country with a fake license, as they were soon interrupted by an unexpected visitor, "Excuse me, has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Kenny McCormick, writer of 1,001 Dirty Haikus and 1,001 Dirty Sonnets?" a voice asked from behind him.
Kenny turned around to note that the intruder was very familiar in his own right, "Yeah, that's me." he answered, "Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like international rap superstar and gay fish Kanye West?"
The man shook his head, "Recovered gay fish." he corrected, "And yes they have, because I am." he revealed, "Man, first of all, I just wanna say I love your books, my beautiful wife Kim reads them to me every night, I can't fall asleep without 'em, you've gotta be like, the me of Dirty poetry."
Kenny laughed, "Well thanks Kanye, that means a lot to me." he stated.
"Well I just want you to know that-" Kanye stopped himself when he got a good look at Wendy, "I'm sorry, have we met before?" he questioned in a slightly irate tone.
"Uh… No?" the girl lied, knowing that she and the rapper were likely not on good terms after their previous encounter when she was ten.
"Somethin' about you looks real familiar, and I don't like it." he noted before turning to Kenny, "This yo bitch?" he asked.
Kenny bit his lip and pushed back the urge to punch the man right on the spot, "She's my girlfriend, and I'm gonna ask you nicely not to call her a bitch." he calmly stated.
"Alright, alright, I get it." Kanye West relented, "Hey, you wanna go move over to my table? Maybe get some PRIVACY FROM ALL THESE PEOPLE LISTENIN' IN?" he loudly asked.
Kenny and Wendy looked around to note that there was no one in the establishment aside from Kanye West, the bartender, and them. "Uh… Sure." Kenny agreed before the three of them moved to a table in a dark corner of the bar.
"Alright, now that we're alone, what is it you're doin' here Kenny McCormick?" Kanye asked, "I mean, you've got your not-as-beautiful-as-my-wife-Kim-Kardashian-but-still-a-solid-eight girlfriend here. So what? You tryna swing?" he questioned.
"Wait… What?" Kenny asked.
"What do you mean, what?" the older man questioned, "Every sea-lovin' player alive knows that you only come to Innsmouth to breed with the Deep Honeys." he explained.
"The… Deep Honeys?" Wendy questioned.
Kanye rolled his eyes, "You know, the Followers of Dagon, the Deep Ones, the Fish People of Innsmouth?"
"The Fish- You know about the Fish People?!" Kenny excitingly questioned.
"Of course I know about the Fish People, I've spent enough time in the ocean to know about every fish, mammal, and everything in between that's in there." Kanye West explained, "See, I learned about the Deep Ones while researching for my last album, Dagon is King, now available on iTunes and Spotify." he plugged, "See, the Deep Ones are an ocean-dwelling race of humanoid fish people with the ability to breed with humans. Naturally, as a lover of hetero-sexual lady-fish, this caught my interest, so with the blessing of my wife Kim, I came down here to try and produce an immortal fish offspring who I have already decided to name Gil West."
"Ha, I get it." Kenny said before getting back to business, "So what? These fish dicks are just out in the ocean waiting for some dude to screw with?"
"First of all, please do not mention fish sticks in front of me, that is a very touchy subject for me. Second, nah, they've got a whole civilization all across the ocean floor, there's one city right off the coast that I can't pronounce the name of, that's where I'm headed right now."
"Aren't you afraid of drowning?" Wendy questioned.
"I can hold my breath a really long time, wanna time me?" Kanye challenged.
"No thanks." Wendy said.
"Do it!" Kenny said at the same time, pulling out his phone and clicking the stopwatch app as the international rap superstar held his breath.
"Kenny!" his girlfriend scolded.
"Fuck, right, sorry." the boy apologized, putting his phone away. "Anyway, I know this might be a weird question but…"
"What is it Kenny McCormick? You want my autograph or somethin'? 'Cause I don't just give out autographs like that." Kanye stated.
"No, it's not that." Kenny expressed.
"Why not? You sayin' you don't want my autograph? You know how many people would kill for my autograph?"
"No, this has nothing to do with your autograph." the boy reiterated.
"Well I'm gonna give you my autograph anyway, just 'cause we're tight." Kanye West stated before writing his name on a napkin.
"Look, since you know so much about this place, I was wondering if you knew about any connection it might have with Cthulhu!" Kenny explained, surprising Kanye enough to stop him from writing mid-autograph.
"Shhhhhut the fuck up!" the rapper commanded, looking around in a paranoid manner, "You wanna get us all killed?!" he whispered. "Listen Kenny McCormick and Kenny McCormick's girlfriend, if I was you two, then I'd stop askin' questions right now, get in your car, and go back to wherever it is you came from. You're lookin' into somethin' you've got no business lookin' into and it's only gonna end-…" Kanye got one more good look at Wendy before something clicked in his mind, "OH HELL NAH! YOU'RE THAT LITTLE JELLY BITCH THAT CALLED MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE KIM A HOBBIT!" he shouted, any prior train of thought being completely derailed now, "HERE I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FRIENDLY MEETING BETWEEN THE TWO GREATEST MINDS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, BUT NAH! YA KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU KENNY McCORMICK! FUCK YOU AND ALL YOUR DIRTY POEMS, I'M OUT!" the rapper tiraded as he exited the bar, leaving behind his pen and a napkin that had "Kanye We" written on it.
The pair sat in silence for a moment before looking at each other, "Can you name one celebrity that doesn't hate one of us?" Wendy questioned.
Kenny thought about it for a moment, "Does Charles Manson count as a celebrity?" he questioned.
The girl looked at her boyfriend for any sign that he was joking, "Oh fuck, you're serious."
"Why shouldn't I be?" he asked, dropping a few bucks for their drinks as they got up from the table, "He's a pretty cool guy once you get to know him. I'll introduce you next time we're in Hell."
Wendy shook her head, "I… You know what? Fine, sounds fun." she relented with a sigh. "We've got bigger fish to fry anyway."
"That was fucking horrible. I love it." the boy stated with a grin as they exited the bar.
The moment Kenny and Wendy were out in the sunlight, they were immediately jumped by a group of men, "HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU PERVERT!" Wendy shouted before kicking one of the guys in the knee and macing another in the eyes, eliciting a scream of pain.
Kenny meanwhile was trying for a similar tactic, punching one guy in the throat before reaching for his gun… Which he'd forgotten in his rush to leave, 'Fuck!' he mentally cursed. But hey, it's not a problem! What chance do four random thugs stand against the crime fighting power-couple that is Mysterion and Call Girl? Not a damn chance, that's what!
Unfortunately, once the two had gotten loose from their captors' grips, the teens got a better look at the group of thugs, and what they had initially assumed to be a small gang of muggers turned out to be more of a large mob. But how? They've been in town for less than an hour! What could they have possibly done to attract the locals' attention on such a large scale?!
"What the hell do you two think you're doing here?!" one of the townspeople questioned.
"We don't take too kindly to people coming around here, asking a lot of questions." another stated.
As Kenny and Wendy were interrogated they got a more focused look at the denizens of Innsmouth. Many of them had distinctly human features, others… Not so much. A fair percentage of the crowd had huge buggy eyes, pail greenish skin color, and were losing their hair. Perhaps they weren't human, perhaps they were just a little on the inbred side. Whatever the case may be, they sure as fuck didn't look happy, and Kenny wasn't about to stand around waiting to find out if they wanted to kill him or have a pleasant conversation. He had a promise to keep after all, so he found an opening in the crowd, grabbed Wendy by the hand and ran for it.
The mob chased after them as they ran through the grimy streets of the decaying town, rushing past the crumbling houses and boarded up windows. Kenny turned every corner with knowing precision, the whole town mapped out in his mind like he'd lived there his whole life, circling back around to the parking lot where his truck was.
It was weird, everything felt as though it went into slow motion as soon as his vehicle was in sight, the mob behind him, the world around him, they all went quiet, as though he'd gone deaf, the only sound in his world being that of Wendy yelping in shock when she tripped, her hand slipping out of his as she fell to the sidewalk. Kenny's eyes widened in horror as he watched one of the goons grab her by the ankles and begin pulling his girlfriend into the crowd to the soundtrack of her screaming for help, "Oh fuck no." he quietly said to himself as he rushed to grab her by the wrists, trying his best to pull her back.
The boy struggled to keep his grip, it was like the worst game of tug of war where he was up against a whole town of people and the rope was the person in this world he treasured most. "KENNY, LET GO!" the girl shouted, hoping he could at least save himself.
"FUCK YOU, YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER LEAVE ME!" the boy furiously reminded, holding on with all his power, "SATAN! JESUS! ANYBODY! HELP!" he called out in desperation. As it would be, no one was listening because it was within a moment Kenny had lost his grip, falling back on his ass, forced to helplessly watch as his girlfriend was dragged into the crowd, her bloodcurdling scream echoing throughout the street, "WENDY!" he screamed in horror, struggling to get back on his feet and charge the crowd.
He would've fought through every last one of them and scores more just to get to her… But he couldn't, he couldn't even fight through one before he was grabbed by the throat and pressed against a wall. Kenny did his best to kick the vaguely humanoid creature as hard as he could in the balls, but to no avail, "Kick all ya want, there's nothin' down there." it stated.
Kenny looked the thing in the eyes, "Please let her go, do whatever you want to me, kill me, rape me, sacrifice me to some weird god, whatever the hell it is you guys do just do it to me, I don't care, just let her go… Please." he begged with tears in his eyes.
The thing laughed, glancing over at the crowd, "I'd say it's a little late for that by now." it stated, "Don't worry though, you'll be with her in a minute."
The creature would never live to see that minute though, as a loud gunshot sounded and blew his mind across the street, his body dropping to the ground, "NEXT ONE TO TOUCH THAT KID WILL OFFICIALLY BE TAKING CREDIT FOR STARTING AN ALL OUT WAR ON THE SURFACE!" a man shouted.
The people of Innsmouth looked up to see two men in black suits brandishing guns, "I suggest everyone clear the area immediately and start deciding which one of you is both developed enough and brave enough to swim down to Y'ha-nthelei and let Prime Minister Yothga know that you've all majorly fucked up and gotten your order of protection revoked!"
"What?! On what grounds?!" one of the people questioned.
"Inciting violence on two surface-dwellers and damaging Foundation property." one of the agents answered, "Now pack your shit and get out! The town of Innsmouth Massachusetts has officially been condemned and the Pentagon currently has a missile trained on it in case anyone tries to get cute!"
The crowd slowly dispersed, disappearing into the crumbling buildings as the streets became barren once more. "Is there seriously a missile pointed at this place?" Agent Carter questioned, his eyes darting around the sky.
Jones laughed "You kidding? That would've taken a month just to get it approved. Sometimes you've just gotta talk out of your ass." he admitted before holstering his weapon and approaching the stunned teenager leaning up against a wall, "Kenneth McCormick I presume? Damn, you have gotta be one of the toughest skips I've ever had to track down."
Kenny ignored the man, shakily taking a step forward as the other agent lifted his gun, "Stop right where you are! Keep your hands where I can see them and-"
"Chill the fuck out Carter. You're not a cop anymore." Jones scolded, "Look kid, we're not here to hurt you or anything, we're from a top secret organization tasked with tracking down and containing supernatural ent- Hey, where are ya going? This is important. You could be the key to saving the-" the agent stopped when he saw where the boy was headed, "Oh." the man said in an understanding tone.
Kenny dropped to his knees at the sight of the bloody corpse in the middle of the street. He nearly puked at the sight of her slit throat, severed arm, and her body which was ironically gutted like a fish. "Wendy." he said under his breath, his breath shaky and his eyes welling up with tears as he laid his head on her chest… She lied perfectly still without a heartbeat to be found. "No… You can't be dead." the boy denied, "Y- You just can't be." he repeated before bursting out in tears, clutching her limp body tight against his own.
The two agents watched on as the scene unfolded, "What uh… What does protocol say about this?" Carter whispered to his partner.
"I don't know and I don't care." Jones answered as he sat down on the curb and lit a cigarette, "Get comfortable, we're gonna be here a while."
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Karen entered Henrietta's room to find the goth kids standing in a circle with the Necronomicon opened on the floor, "Alright, Karen's here, let's fucking do this!" Pete said, more excited than she'd ever seen him.
"I can't believe it's finally happening. Cthulhu's coming back and it's all because of us!" Michael exclaimed.
"So, you ready to help usher in a new age of darkness?" Henrietta asked.
Karen took a deep breath, "Yeah, let's do this!" she affirmed, trying her best to look just as pumped as her friends. Still, she couldn't shake this bad feeling she had.
The girl was unsettled, and the dark voice in her head saying "The time has come." was doing nothing to reassure her.
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In one of the poorer neighborhoods of a small town in Colorado known as South Park, a sixteen-year-old girl awoke with a jolt in her boyfriend's bed the next morning. Quickly jerking her head around in fear before realizing she was alone, feeling her torso with the arm that she was sure had been ripped off just a moment prior to find that she was no longer cut open. The afflicted areas still hurt a little, but she was fine.
The girl looked around the room she found herself in, the dingy little hole she'd lovingly come to know as a second home. The welcoming haven being a far cry from the twisted cesspool that was Innsmouth Massachusetts.
But… How did she get here? Had she really died? Was it all a dream? Where was Kenny? "What the fuck is going on?" Wendy asked herself.
A/N: I hope everyone's enjoyed the weekly updates, I know I've enjoyed making them. I'm gonna try my best to stay frequent but I make no promises, most of the last few chapters were typed up before I even started uploading them, I'm currently in the process of starting the next one so if it's out by next Saturday same time as usual… Well I'd say that warrants some fuckin' applause now don't it?!
So, good chapter? Bad chapter? Let me know what you think with a review.
