"Come up with your own opening quote, I can't think of one right now."
-
Me

Chapter 13

In which Kenny does a backflip, a freaking backflip dude!

A dream, that's all it was, a horrible nightmare where she was mangled and butchered by some disgusting race of anthropomorphic fish. She knew it wasn't true but what other explanation was there for how she could have cheated death in the same way she'd seen her boyfriend do time after time before?

She pondered the question as she sat next to Karen on the McCormick family's couch, watching TV with a bowl of knockoff Froot Loops in her lap, "Okay, what's wrong?" the younger girl questioned, breaking Wendy from her thoughts.

"Huh? Nothing's wrong." she assured.

"Bullshit, you've barely said a word all morning and you've haven't even touched your Citrus Circles. What's up?" Karen pried.

Wendy sighed, "You wouldn't get it." she stated, hoping to get off the subject.

The younger girl rolled her eyes at the idiotic response, "I don't get how two people can be exact opposites and so alike at the same time." she expressed.

"What? Who?" Wendy inquired.

"You and Kenny! Whenever he doesn't wanna talk about something he just says I 'wouldn't get it' and whenever I keep asking he just feeds me that stupid joke about dying and coming back to life." Karen explained.

Wendy sighed, "It's not a joke, he does die and come back to life, and I just found out I do too, that's what's bothering me." she stated.

Karen laughed and rolled her eyes, "You guys suck." she remarked, returning to a state of comfortable silence while they watched reruns of Terrance and Philip, "I ship that one girl with Philip" she mentioned offhand.

The older girl considered the thought and how it didn't really make any sense, "Why? They've never even spoken to each other." she noted.

Karen shrugged, "Yeah, but there's something there, I can feel it." she expressed.

"Wait, aren't Terrance and Philip a gay couple?" Wendy questioned.

"No, they're… Wait, I always thought they were brothers." the younger girl expressed.

"They aren't… Both… Are they? Is incest legal in Canada?"

"No, I just checked the other day." Karen answered.

"Oh." Wendy remarked before thinking about the implication of that statement, "Wait, why?"

Before the younger girl could think of a lie, the barrage of mediocre fart jokes on the TV was cut off by what sounded like a tornado siren played over a graphic that said "Global Catastrophe" followed by a live feed of the president eating a plate of waffles and bickering with someone off camera, "I don't give a shit if we are in a state of emergency right now! This cut into my breakfast!"

"President Garrison, you need to be a beacon of hope for the people right now!"

"Fuck the people, I'm starving!" he proclaimed before taking a bite of food.

"Mr. President, we're on the air." a woman behind the camera informed.

"Oh shit, that's gonna be trendin' on Twitter in about five minutes." the president stated with a full mouth before swallowing and clearing his throat, "My fellow Americans, my scientific advisers have just informed me of a massive… CAN YOU SLOW DOWN THAT FUCKIN' TELEPROMPTER?!"

"Sorry Mr. President." someone off camera apologized.

"Alright, that's better, shit was goin' a hundred miles an hour, who the hell can read that fast?!" President Garrison complained before returning to his speech, "A massive unidentified humanoid object emerging from the Pacific Ocean… Oh for fucks sake, it's identified! I looked at that picture and identified it in a second, it's fuckin' Cthulhu!"

"We can't say for sure yet." someone whispered from off camera.

"Gimme the photo."

"President Gar-"

"NOW!" the president demanded before he was handed a folder marked 'classified', Garrison then pulled out a satellite photo of an enormous green mass wading through the ocean, holding it up to the camera, "That's fuckin' Cthulhu! He's back, he's probably pissed, and he's headed right for us! Now, I don't know if you all remember what happened last time Cthulhu was awoken, but it ended with him being taken out by some super-powered alien kid who hasn't been seen since, and unless anyone knows someone else that fits that description THEN THE DOOMSDAY CLOCK JUST HIT MIDNIGHT! Kiss your asses goodbye, the shit has hit the fan and we're all fucked up the holes!" he shouted before picking up his breakfast and walking away.

"Mr. President, where are you going?!" someone asked.

"I'm gonna go finish my waffles on the shitter where you assholes can't bother me!"

An official looking executive walked in front of the camera with a horrified look on his face, "We- Uh… We're gonna go talk to him, see if we can figure something out. Until then, you can go back to your regularly scheduled programming." he said before the camera cut out.

Wendy and Karen stared at the screen in horror, "I can't believe this is happening." Wendy stated.

"I can't believe it actually worked." Karen said.

Wendy's expression went from one of horror to confusion as she looked at the girl next to her, "What worked?"

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Kenny sat at a table in a plain white room, on the other side of the table sat the… Government agent? He didn't know what this guy was, he was willing to bet he didn't even know his real name, all he knew was that he went by Agent Jones and he had a laundry list of questions to ask. Kenny was barely paying attention though, his mind was elsewhere.

The teenager had been reflecting on his life, everything that led up to this moment, anything to keep his mind off of Wendy's mutilated corpse. He thought back to where he supposed it all started, the first day of preschool, the moment Kenny first learned the rules of death didn't apply to him. Cartman Jumped off the swingset right onto his back, bludgeoning him with a rock when he fell to the ground. Kenny woke up the next morning with a headache and when nobody said anything at school he just assumed it was a bad dream.

The second time he died was at the age of seven when he was caught in the crossfire of an epic battle between Jesus and Santa. He woke up the morning after that thinking it was just another dream, a theory that was quickly shot to pieces when everyone in school was talking about the incredible events of the day prior.

The third time was when he was eight, shot to death by aliens. This was the point he was absolutely sure he was immortal, and with that certainty it seemed came a string of bad luck that would follow him for a long fucking time. There was a period of his life that Kenny was dying every single week, each death more painful than the last. It sucked but he got used to it, he expected it, like a tired overplayed bit. What he didn't expect was finding someone to live for, and now that she was gone he'd never wanted to stay dead more in his life. 'She probably just got to Hell.' he noted to himself with a sigh, wishing he was there so they could walk that road together.

"Kenny!" Agent Jones called out to him from the other side of the table he was sitting at, gaining the boy's attention, "Did you hear me?" he asked.

Kenny nodded, "My aliases are Krazy Kenny, El Pollo Loco, the Great Keanu, Princess Kenni spelled with an I, and Mysterion." he listed, not really giving a shit if his secret identity was blown.

"Mysterion…" the man repeated as he wrote it down, "I had a feeling you were linked with that somehow." he noted, "Now, we're getting to the fun part, what's your link to the Old Gods?"

Kenny thought about it for a moment before answering, "My parent's got wasted and joined a cult before I was born and somehow through that I kinda became the illegitimate lovechild of Cthulhu." he explained, it wasn't a lie in the sense that he's pretty sure that's how it happened. In reality, he didn't know if he was Cthulhu's son, nephew, second cousin, or anything like that, all he knew was there was dark blood in his veins, and that's good enough for him.

"Wow, so you're pretty much Eldritch Jesus." Jones noted.

Kenny thought about it for a minute, he came from the union of man and god, he dies and comes back, people line up to see him do crazy tricks, he'd never really considered it before but "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Kickass." the agent said, "Alright, now for the important one, do you have any special abilities, powers, anything at all that sets you apart from a normal human?"

The boy thought about it, he thought back to his dreams, particularly the one where he was strapped down to an operating table… Could he really trust this guy with his greatest secret? "Yeah, one." he answered.

The man's eyes widened in excitement, "What is it?"

Kenny took a deep breath before answering, "I'm gonna need salt and a lime to show you."

Jones was skeptical but decided to play along, picking up his radio and pressing the button, "Do we have a salt shaker and a lime on base?" he asked, waiting a moment for an answer.

After a moment, someone radioed in, "Be right there."

Another moment passed before Agent Carter came in with the required items, placing them on the table, "Let's see it." he requested.

With a bored sigh, Kenny poured the salt out on the table, lining it up as though it were cocaine and snorting it before biting open the lime and spraying the juice directly into his eyeballs, he then proceeded to do a backflip off the table and scream "KRAZY KENNY!" at the top of his lungs. "That'll be fifty bucks." he requested in an emotionless monotone.

The two agents watched in horror, amazement, and confusion, "High pain tolerance." Jones questionably assumed as he wrote it down in Kenny's file.

"Jones, are we sure this is the right kid?" Carter asked, "I mean, look at him! Does he look like an SCP to you?!" he questioned, in turn hopefully answering like half the reviews I got on the last few chapters.

"He said he's the bastard lovechild of Cthulhu." Jones stated.

"I can say that, it doesn't make it true!" the other agent countered, "What do you think, dissection?"

"I don't want it to come from that, he's been through enough already!"

"HE JUST SNORTED HALF A SALT SHAKER AND SQUEEZED A LIME IN HIS EYES! I THINK HE CAN TAKE GETTING CUT OPEN!" Carter argued.

Jones turned to the boy with a hopeful look, "Look kid, if you're holding anything out on us then you need to spill it right now before the Foundation makes us take drastic measures."

Kenny thought about it for a minute, he certainly didn't want to be dissected, but he needed to find a way out of this, fast. "ALRIGHT! There's… One other thing I didn't mention." he admitted.

Jones readied his pen, "Let's hear it."

The boy took a deep breath, "I'm immortal, like, I can't die. Every time I should die, I don't, I just bounce back like nothing happened."

The agent wrote all this down in his file, "Now that's the kinda thing I'm talking about." he stated.

Carter on the other hand, was a little more skeptical, "How do we know you're not lying to us just so you won't be dissected?" he questioned.

"Want me to prove it? Gimme your gun!" Kenny requested.

"What? Fuck no! What if you try something?!" Carter asked.

"Easy, just have Jones ready to shoot me if I do." the boy explained.

"But you just said you couldn't die." Jones reminded.

"Well, how do you know I'm not lying to you just so I won't get dissected?" he countered.

Jones thought about it for a second, "Good point, give him your gun Carter."

"Wha- I… But he…" Carter sighed, "Fine." he relented, placing his gun on the table.

Kenny picked up the weapon and examined it, nodding in approval, "Alright, now just watch." he said with a grin as he pressed it to his temple and pulled the trigger, blowing his brains across the room. The moment his corpse hit the floor, Kenny's file miraculously burst into flames on the table and the camera on the wall that was recording the whole session exploded along with the computer it was hooked up to.

The two agents rushed to put out the fire only to see that it was already gone, a pile of ashes in the spot where it once laid. They looked at each other in confusion, "What the fuck just happened!?" Jones asked.

Carter shook his head, "I don't know!… Do uh, do you know why there's a dead kid on the floor?" he asked in return, gesturing to Kenny's dead body.

"I… I don't remember." Jones stated in confusion, "So… You wanna get lunch?"

"Aw man, I'd kill for a burger right about now." Carter answered, "Should we… Ya know?" he asked, pointing at Kenny.

The other agent shrugged, "Let the janitor take care of it." he said as they exited the room.

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"What the hell made you think summoning an ancient malevolent deity was a good idea?!" Wendy demanded as she dragged Karen down the sidewalk by the arm, "Did you think it would make you cool, having a hand in destroying the world?"

"I don't know! Henrietta and the guys were all doing it and-" Karen began to explain.

"Oh, so if Henrietta and the guys all shot up heroin and jumped off a bridge would you do that too?!" the older girl questioned.

Karen thought about the question, "How does that have anything to do with summoning Cthulhu?"

"I don't know, that's just what my mom told me whenever I did something stupid out of peer pressure!" Wendy stated, "Of course, when I was your age, that usually entailed staying out after my curfew or drinking a beer, NOT TRIGGERING THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE!"

"I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK!" the younger girl defended.

"Do we live in the same town?! Have you SEEN half the shit that's happened here since we were kids?! Aliens! Giant monster attacks! Demonic entities! Anything weird that can happen either has happened or will happen in South Park! Hell, why don't we go ask one of our friendly neighbors if he's seen anything weird!" Wendy suggested before dragging Karen to a nearby house and knocking on the door.

A moment passed before a man with long hair wearing a white robe and a crown of thorns answered the door, "Hello?" he greeted.

"Hey Jesus, we were just in the neighborhood and wanted to know if you've seen anything weird since you first moved here." the girl expressed.

"Well, it would seem something weird happens around here every week, if I'm being perfectly honest." Jesus answered.

Wendy turned to Karen with a look of fake surprise, "Did ya hear that Karen? Our neighbor Jesus Christ, son of God and host of the local public access talk show Jesus and Pals says something weird happens around here every week! ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?!" she sarcastically questioned.

"Alright, you made your point! I should've known better than to take the chance." Karen expressed.

"Great! Now let's go talk to your idiot friends about how we're going to stop the complete destruction of the human race!" Wendy said before dragging Karen away.

"Wait! I actually needed to talk to Kea- I mean Kenny." Jesus expressed before they left.

Wendy took a deep breath before turning around, "Well I'd love to help you, I really would, but I haven't seen him since I was torn to pieces by a race of fish people! Maybe you should've come by then when he was calling out for you to help us! THANKS, BY THE WAY! Good thing I just happen to be immortal or else that could've turned out bad!" she tiraded before walking off with Karen, leaving the confused messiah behind.

"Uh, Wendy, you just pretty much told Jesus to go fuck himself." Karen pointed out.

"I am not in a good mood today and I honestly don't care who I tell to go fuck themselves." the girl expressed, "It doesn't matter anyway, we're all going to Hell no matter what we do." she explained as they walked to Henrietta's house.

"Shit, that's fuckin' dark, dude." the younger girl noted.

"Not as dark as you think, especially since I'm going to make Satan look like a pussy by comparison when I get a hold of these guys." Wendy expressed before knocking on the goth girl's front door.

The door was answered within a moment by Henrietta's mother, "Oh hello Karen and… Wendy Testaburger? What a pleasant surprise!"

"Hi Mrs. Biggle." Wendy greeted, "Is your daughter home?" she asked.

"Oh, I didn't know you and Henrietta were friends!" the older woman stated, "She's upstairs in her room, I'll go make some cookies for you kids!"

"Thank you Mrs. Biggle." Wendy said with a smile before the woman walked away, her face quickly returning to a frown as she and Karen went upstairs.

Karen knocked on her friend's bedroom door, "Hey, we need to talk about something." she vaguely expressed, the door quickly opened to reveal Henrietta with an uncharacteristic smile on her face, a smile that quickly went away when she saw Wendy alongside the younger girl.

"YOU GUYS SUMMONED CTHULHU TO PLUNGE THE WORLD INTO AN AGE OF UNSPEAKABLE DARKNESS?!" she accused.

Henrietta turned to Karen with a bored look, "Out of all the people you could've told, you told Wendy?" she questioned.

"Hey! You're not talking to her, you're talking to me right now!" Wendy reminded, "What the fuck is wrong with you guys?!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Henrietta demanded, "Who do you think you are to come into my house and give me shit for my hobbies?!"

"I'm half of this town's fucking crime fighting power couple, and if I see there's people in danger then you can bet your ass I'm going out of my way to protect them, bitch!" Wendy viciously reminded.

"Oh wow, I guess I forgot I was dealing with BATMAN'S FUCKING GIRLFRIEND! So what, you and Kenny burn down a few meth labs and all of a sudden you're world's highest authority?"

"Come on guys, calm down!" Karen pleaded.

"You know we wouldn't have even been able to do it if it weren't for him, right? He's the one who gave us the Necronomicon in the first place!" Henrietta stated.

"HE… He what?" Wendy questioned. The goth girl went into her room and pulled out the book, opening the cover to reveal the note on the inside, "'To Michael, From Kenny, Merry Christmas… Reference book'. Of course he stole it from a library." she said in a disappointed tone.

"Looks like the town's crime fighting power couple's not so innocent after all." the other girl noted with a grin.

Wendy clenched her fist and took a deep breath, "I suggest you don't get your hopes up too high, because Kenny and I will find a way to stop this before your 'Age of Eternal Darkness' even gets a chance to start." she warned before walking away.

Karen looked between Wendy and Henrietta, "Sorry." she said to the other goth before following Wendy to the door. The younger girl turned to her friend once they were outside, "What are we gonna do?" she questioned.

Wendy took another deep breath to calm herself, "I'm going to the library to research Eldritch beings and start coming up with a plan, you need to go home and wait for your brother. If I know him then he'll be home by tomorrow morning, tell him I'm fine and to meet me at my house so I can explain how. He'll know what you mean." she instructed, "Can you do that for me?"

Karen nodded, "No problem!" she assured. Wendy smiled at the younger girl before walking away.

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Kenny woke up the next morning with a jolt, gasping for air as he took in his surroundings, he awoke in his bedroom as usual, alive and perfectly safe just like every time before… Unfortunately, that was the exact opposite of what he needed to be. "I've gotta get to Hell." he said to himself, quickly rushing out of bed and removing his belt before wrapping it around his neck, the boy unzipped his jeans and grabbed hold of his cock, trying to work it up to at least a half-chub while he found an adequate place to hang himself from, because remember kids, if you die with an erection, you go to Hell, especially if you die from auto-erotic asphyxiation!

Kenny grabbed a chair and lined it up under a sturdy enough looking rafter, hooking the end of his belt to it while furiously jacking off. He was so caught up in the act that he didn't even notice Karen enter the room, "Kenny? What the fuck are you-" she began to question, she was too late to stop him though, having showed up just in time to see his knees buckle, knocking the chair away and snapping his neck as he accidentally blew a hot load right into his sister's face… It's also worth noting that her mouth was open, just in case you had any false hope that I was going to leave this story with any semblance of tact or decency.

Karen stood frozen in a stunned silence, mouth agape as she stared at her brother's hanging corpse, only taking her eyes off him when she heard her father come down the hall, "I heard shoutin', what's hap-" the man cut himself off when he looked in to find his son half-naked and dead along with his daughter's face covered in something he was able to identify within seconds in spite of desperately wishing he couldn't, "I… I uh… I don't think I've got the parenting skills to deal with… Any of this." Stuart expressed before silently walking away.

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Kenny had always enjoyed his entry into Hell whenever he found himself going there, the slow relaxing descent into the unholy abyss, the long walk to the Black Gates that helped him clear his head of the shock from whatever killed him, and especially the warmth of the air, it was really quite pleasant except for the smell that he'd already been used to for years. But for the first time since his first visit (Back before his Catholic beliefs were effectively disproved) he couldn't enjoy the slow descent or the warm air, all he could think about was getting to the gates as fast as he could and finding Wendy, then once they were reunited he'd talk to Satan and find out if he could either bring her back home or make this stay permanent.

Finally, the boy had landed, he rushed to the nearby bus stop that he rarely used and impatiently waited for the next transport into Hell, "Kenny?" he heard a nasally monotonous voice question from beside him.

"Hey Craig." he habitually greeted as he looked around for the bus, it took a moment before he realized who he was standing with, "Craig?!" he asked, before turning to look at the other boy, "What the fuck are you doing here?!"

"You first." Craig insisted.

"I auto erotic asphyxiated myself so I could be with Wendy." the boy answered, "Now you!"

"I shot myself so I could be with Tweek." the other boy answered in return.

"Holy shit… Dude, that's so fucked." Kenny expressed.

"Oh what, so it's only okay to kill yourself if you jack off while you're doing it?" Craig asked.

"Hey, I had to jack off when I killed myself, otherwise I would've just woken up tomorrow like it never happened." the boy explained.

Craig rolled his eyes, "You're really gonna keep up that stupid joke even after you actually died?"

Kenny looked him in the eye as he spoke, "For the last time, it's not a joke. I'm immortal, hopefully not for much longer."

The other boy looked at him for a moment before speaking again, "Holy shit, you're serious." he said with just a bit more emotion than usual, "So… What you said about Wendy being dead-"

"Totally true." he answered in a melancholic tone, "She was… Torn to pieces." Kenny explained, his eyes tearing up a bit, "It was all my fault."

Craig watched as Kenny started to break out crying, "Does it really matter who's fault it is though? I mean, it's not like you meant to get her killed, right?" he expressed.

"She would've been so much better off if she never met me. She had such an amazing life ahead of her and I wrecked it." the boy lamented.

Craig put his hand on Kenny's shoulder, "Both those statements are totally true, but… I think I can promise you, even if it's not obvious at first, Wendy's life was a lot better having known you than if you'd never met." he expressed.

"You really think so?" Kenny questioned.

"I have it on reasonably good authority to say you're worth having around." he answered with a small grin.

Kenny smiled back, "Thanks Craig."

It was within that moment that the bus finally pulled up, the doors opening to greet them with a shrill voice screaming "GET ON THE BUS!"

"Hey Ms. Crabtree, you're looking good." Kenny greeted as he and Craig got on.

"SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!" the old woman commanded, "But thank you Kenny, always good to see you down here." she added before closing the door and driving in the direction of the gates of Hell.

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Wendy sat on her bed, intently reading a book on the occult in search of answers. Her concentration remaining completely unbroken right up to the point that she heard a deep voice slur her name.

The girl looked up in surprise before rushing to her nightstand drawer and pulling out Kenny's revolver, "Whoever you are, you picked the wrong fucking house!" she proclaimed.

"I'm not in your house." the voice stated.

It was at this point Wendy realized the sound wasn't coming from any particular direction but rather from within her own head, "Is this who I think it is?" she questioned.

The voice laughed, "You're a lot sharper than the other one."

"What the fuck do you want?!" the girl demanded.

It laughed once again, "I already have what I want, I have risen, and now I'm taking back the world that so rightfully belongs to me. Maybe you can help me decide whether I should exterminate or enslave your people."

"I'm not going to let you do either!" she warned.

The voice of Cthulhu laughed once more, "That's adorable, you actually think you stand a chance of saving your pathetic little race!" he mocked, "Well, I'm sorry to say, but I've laid dead in the house of R'lyeh for years, dreaming of this moment, and if you think you and your half-blood mate are going to stop me, then I can't wait to personally end both of your miserable lives, again, and again, and again, and again." he warned, "Do you still think you can answer the call of Cthulhu?"

"Answering calls is what I do." Wendy stated in a way that sounded considerably less badass than she'd hoped.

"Perhaps I was wrong." Cthulhu pondered, "You might just be even dumber than the other one."

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"You're sure they're gonna be here?" Craig asked as he and Kenny approached the Devil's Hall.

"If they're not then we're at least gonna find someone who knows where they are." Kenny assured as he led Craig inside, "Damien, what's good dude?"

The teenager behind the bar rolled his eyes, "Oh great, Mr. Sunshine's back." the Antichrist stated as he prepared Kenny's usual drink.

"Kenneth! So good to see you, I trust all is well!" Pip questioned from a stool in front of the bar.

"No, everything's actually fuckin' horrible." Kenny assured.

"Oh, well that's some piss-poor news now isn't it?" the British teenager noted.

"Piss-poor indeed Mr. Twist." Kenny replied as he sat down.

"Who?" Pip questioned.

Kenny ignored the other boy's question as he addressed Damien, "Hey, you seen a jittery dude that kinda looks like me around here lately?"

Damien gestured toward a booth in the corner, Craig looked over to see that the boy sitting in it was indeed none other than his boyfriend, "Tweek!" he announced, gaining the other boy's attention.

Tweek looked up, shaking like a caffeinated chihuahua, "AH! CRAIG?!" he shouted, jumping from his seat.

The two ran to each other and embraced as Kenny watched on with a smile, 'Maybe some people can have happy endings.' he thought to himself.

Suddenly, two more souls entered the bar, "Aw, you can't go thinkin' like that Satan! Y-you're one hell of a catch! And if he can't see that then w-well, that's just his problem." Kenny heard a familiar voice say.

"Maybe you're right Butters, maybe I should just move on from Tyler and find someone new!" the booming voice of the Prince of Darkness proclaimed.

"That's the spirit, big buddy!" Butters announced.

"Butters!" Kenny shouted, gaining the other boy's attention.

"K-Kenny? J-Jesus Christ! What are you doin' here?!" he questioned, rushing over to hug his friend.

"It's a long story dude. How's Hell been treating you?" the boy asked.

"W-well, it was pretty scary at first, but then Satan told me you and him were pals and I started feelin' a lot better, he's been takin' real good care of me down here. Says I'm like one of the two sons he never had!" Butters explained.

"Yes he has… Repeatedly… Always in front of the one son he did have." Damien grumbled to himself.

"That's great dude, I'm really happy for you!" Kenny expressed, "We'll catch up soon, but for now…" Kenny looked up to Satan with a hopeful expression, "You know why I'm here, big guy. Where is she?"

Satan raised his eyebrow in confusion before asking the last question Kenny wanted to hear, that dirty little question of course being made up of one simple yet dreaded word, "Who?"

The boy's eye twitched slightly in irritation as he became sick to his stomach, "That better not mean what I think it means." he stated, getting up to approach the Prince of Darkness, "It was bad enough when you guys lost Chef, my childhood friend and mentor. Are you seriously about to tell me you lost THE FUCKING LOVE OF MY GODDAMNED LIFE TOO?!" he demanded.

"Kenny I… I'm not sure what you mean." the King of Hell began to defend before the door opened to reveal a tall man in a white robe.

"Ah, there you are!" Jesus noted as he approached Kenny, "We have a lot to discuss Keanu, but first of all… Can you kindly explain why your girlfriend came to my house yesterday and screamed at me?"

Kenny's eyes widened in shock, not believing what he just heard, "She… She's alive?"

A/N: Don't expect weekly updates to come back just yet, I don't have any more chapters written as of right now but I figured I'd put this one out early since I haven't updated in two months.