Chapter 14
Callgirl of Cthulhu

One might find it hard to believe that a nine-year-old kid could single-handedly lead the armies of Heaven to victory in a battle against the forces of Satan, but Kenny McCormick wasn't like most kids, never was and never will be, that's a universal fact. The battle between Heaven and Hell had just ended and he was being escorted through the kingdom of Heaven by Archangel Michael, excited to find out exactly what one gets for winning a Holy War aside from a solid gold statue of Keanu Reeves, 'Oh fuck yeah, here come the seventy-two virgins!' he thought to himself.

"Now, before your prize is revealed to you, I feel it's necessary to warn you that we haven't been completely honest with you." Michael expressed.

"Huh? Oh, I don't really give a shit." the boy expressed, his speech muffled by his hood, "So about that prize?"

"Of course! Right beyond this door is where you will receive what you have so rightfully earned!" the angel stated.

"WOOHOO!" Kenny shouted, unzipping his coat and rushing through the door, "HELLO-" he began to greet, only to cut himself off when he wasn't greeted by three score and twelve naked women with naturally huge tits but rather by the presence of Jesus, Satan, and a darkly dressed boy around his age that seemed vaguely familiar for some reason, "Virgins?"

"He's talking to you, Jesus." Satan said with a laugh.

"Shut up." Jesus requested.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Kenny questioned looking around for his prize, "Where's the seventy-two hot babes?"

Satan burst out laughing, "Oh shit dude, you're gonna be disappointed as fuck when we tell you what you're really here for!"

"Satan, quiet." Jesus ordered before addressing Kenny, "Now Keanu, I can see you're very confused, likely by the presence of the enemy you just supposedly defeated."

"I think he's more confused by the fact that all you're giving him for winning a war is that dumbass statue and a job." Satan noted.

"Satan, that's enough! Why must you always be such an ass!" the messiah questioned.

"I'd rather be an ass than have a stick up it all the time!" the Prince of Darkness countered.

"Oh for fuck sake, can you two stop bickering for ten minutes!" the other boy finally erupted, "They lied, you didn't win a war, it was all a test and you passed, you've now been chosen as Heaven's champion to defend Earth when I decide to claim it! Any questions?"

Kenny looked at the other boy for a moment, "Wait, aren't you that kid who turned me into a platypus that one time? Danny something?"

"Damien Thorn, and yes I am." he answered with a sigh.

Jesus sighed, "I was supposed to be the one to tell him." he noted, "So, what do you think? Are you willing to be the savior of your world and protector of humanity?"

The boy shrugged, "I mean shit, I guess so dude." he answered.

"Fantastic! You won't regret this Keanu, and don't think your bravery will go unrewarded!" Jesus expressed before snapping his fingers, "You'll be resurrected tomorrow morning as you always are, but for tonight, I think you can feel free to enjoy your eternal prize a little early." he said with a grin as a beam of light shined down behind him.

Kenny's eyes widened in excitement as he ran toward the light, only for it to dim and reveal a group of dorky Mormon teenagers, "Hey, you wanna have a Scrabble tournament?" one of them asked.

Kenny turned around, "Where's the virgins?" he asked in disappointment.

"Right there!" Jesus answered with a smile, "Died before they had the chance to be married, and always down for some good clean fun!"

The boy couldn't believe what he was hearing, "But, what about the hot babes with the tight asses and the big boobs?" he questioned.

The messiah laughed, "Who told you all that? No, we don't bother ourselves with sins of the flesh here."

Kenny nearly cried at the thought, "Well then how the hell is this Heaven? I don't wanna spend eternity playing board games with these sweaty losers! I wanna huff paint and set things on fire! Ya know, fun shit!"

"We've got plenty of fire down in Hell." Satan reminded with a grin.

"Paint too, all you can inhale." Damien added.

Kenny looked at Satan and Damien in consideration before dropping to his knees, "You think maybe I can go back with you guys? If you want you can tell me all about your relationship problems just like the last time I was there, just please take me with you!" he begged.

"Keanu, you're meant to be our champion, they are the enemy!" Jesus reminded.

"I mean… yeah, but-" Kenny began to speak.

"Have you ever tried this thing called… Marijuana?" Satan asked with a grin, holding out a green bag.

The boy's eyes widened in exhilaration, "Let's go!" he shouted before he, Satan, and Damien vanished in a burst of flames.

Jesus sighed, "I just put the fate of humanity into the hands of a nine-year-old stoner." he said to himself in disbelief before shaking his head, "I pray this doesn't end badly."

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Karen sat against the wall of Kenny's bedroom, staring at her half-naked brother's hanging corpse in horror as she wiped the mix of tears and seminal fluid from her face. She couldn't believe the horrid scene before her in spite of being so utterly part of it.

The girl could hear a knock at the front door followed by her father letting out a greeting of "Mornin' Wendy." as though all was well and his son wasn't hanging dead in the next room.

"Good morning Mr. McCormick." she heard the older girl say before rushing into the bedroom, "Kenny! We have a serious-" she began to say before laying her eyes upon the gruesome sight in front of her, "Oh you fucking drama-queen." she said with a sigh before approaching the body and punching him in the stomach, knocking him back like a punching bag, "You seriously couldn't wait ten more minutes for me to get here?!"

"Why would he do this?" she heard Karen's soft voice question from the corner of the room.

"It's so he can guarantee he'll go to Hell instead of being resurrected. He's down there looking for me right now, I know it." Wendy explained before groaning in frustration.

"I can't believe he's really gone." the younger girl expressed with a sob.

It was at this point Wendy remembered the grim fact that she was the only one on Earth who knew her boyfriend would be alright. As far as Karen was concerned, her brother was dead and gone, leaving her all alone for some reason she couldn't possibly comprehend. Wendy rushed to the poor girl's side to comfort her the second she came to this realization, "Karen, I'm so sorry you had to see this." she comforted, throwing her arms around the younger girl.

Karen returned the gesture, burying her face in Wendy's shoulder, the older girl couldn't help but notice a familiar smell that came with their close proximity, "Karen, look at me." she requested, pushing her away slightly to see her face, "What the fuck?"

The girl sighed, "I walked in just in time for the money shot." she explained, "It tastes so weird."

"Like someone soaked a joint in black coffee and nicotine?" Wendy assumed.

"Exactly!" the younger girl agreed, "Is it supposed to taste like that?"

"Generally speaking, I don't think so. But for Kenny it's normal." she explained, wiping Karen's face clean with an old t-shirt she grabbed off the floor.

Karen looked back at the body once more and continued to cry, "He can't be gone, he just can't be." she sobbed.

Wendy sighed, "You won't believe me and it won't make you feel any better, but he's not. He'll be back in a week and you won't even remember any of this even happened."

"Can you please explain what the hell that even means?!" the other girl demanded.

"It means he's going to spend a week in Hell getting high and playing video games with the Antichrist and some British kid we allegedly went to elementary school with as soon as he realizes I'm not there. It's like I told you yesterday, he's immortal, he always comes back." Wendy explained in a dead serious tone.

"Do you seriously expect me to believe you?" Karen asked.

"Absolutely not and I'd honestly think you were a little stupid if you did. The only way you'll ever believe it is if you see it for yourself, but you can't, because no one but me can remember when he dies." she explained as she leaned up against the wall next to Karen, both of them staring at Kenny's body for a while.

"This is so fucked." the younger girl expressed.

"I know." the older girl agreed with a sigh, "You know what's even more fucked? I think I fall in love with him just a little more every time it happens."

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Kenny paced the room in confusion, taking drags off a cigarette to calm his nerves from the onslaught of information he was receiving, "And you're absolutely 100% sure it was her, right?"

"For the third time tonight, yes I'm sure." Jesus assured.

"Bullshit, BULLSHIT! YOU'RE LYING!" the boy erupted.

"Uh K-Kenny, I'm p-pretty sure Jesus doesn't lie." Butters interjected.

"Unless that's just what he wants us to think!" Kenny proclaimed, "This is all just some big fuckin' distraction, ain't it?! Is this even Hell or am I still locked up in that freakin' government place and this is all some simulation to keep me occupied while they cut me open?!" he theorized, "PIP! ARE YOU A FUCKIN' SIMULATION?!"

"I don't believe so." the Brit calmly answered.

"PROVE IT! TELL ME SOMETHING ONLY THE REAL PIP WOULD KNOW! WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THE WORKHOUSE YOU GREW UP IN?!"

"I didn't grow up in a workhouse, I was a blacksmith's apprentice." Pip explained.

Kenny nodded, "Okay, you're not a simulation. BUT I STILL DON'T BELIEVE WENDY'S ALIVE!"

"Keanu, I'm telling you the truth, she dragged your sister to my door yesterday to prove some point!" Jesus insisted.

"Alright, well I felt my whole world turn to shit when I cradled her bleeding dismembered corpse in my arms two days ago! Call me stupid, but that just doesn't make sense to me!" the boy countered.

"Alright, you're stupid." Satan interjected, "Kenny, you've been dying and coming back to life on a regular basis for almost your entire time walking the Earth and you of all people can't believe this?"

The boy sighed, "Satan, far be it from me to correct you, but in case you've forgotten, you yourself told me that I'm the only immortal human aside from Jesus and Damien!" he explained, gesturing toward the two, "And that makes sense, we were all born through the union of humans and gods, I can understand that! So let's say Wendy just so happens to be another exception… How?"

"Perhaps we'll never know." Pip proposed, "Some of the greatest horrors in this universe are the ones that can't be explained, after all."

"Don't be retarded, Pip. Of course we can explain it." Damien stated before pulling a large book out from under the bar and flipping through it, "Let's see… Ah, here it is! Immortality!" he announced before reading the passage, "Immortality can be achieved in one of three ways: The one we're all familiar with, fraternization between gods and humans. The second way, by murdering Sean Connery, obviously. And the third way, 'If in an immortal is engaged in an act of true passion in his dying breath, the one who it is directed toward may absorb part of their soul, thus granting the receiving party with immortality themselves'. Now, being that Sean Connery has yet to pay us a visit, it's one of two possibilities."

"Act of passion?… Wait." Kenny thought back, all the way back to chapter 1, the death that changed his life forever, "Months ago when she killed me in the gym, I kissed her right before I died."

"That'll do it." Damien stated, shutting the book with a grin.

"No wonder she remembered all my deaths after that, she's been immortal this whole time!" Kenny realized, "I've gotta get back to Earth, I've gotta go talk to her!"

"First of all, you're not going anywhere. I know it doesn't seem like one to you but Hell is still meant to be a prison." Jesus reminded, "Whatever your intentions may have been, you still committed a mortal sin before you died and you will be staying here for a week as per usual."

"Dude, seriously? You can't look the other way just this once?" the teen bartered.

"Believe it or not, I am looking the other way because choking yourself to death while jacking off is the least of my worries concerning you." the messiah noted, "Does this look familiar to you?" he asked as a copy of the Necronomicon materialized in his hand.

"What? A book of stories from by that weird guy the goth kids like?" Kenny assumed.

Jesus rolled his eyes, "Can you really not even remember the name of the prophet who chronicled your Eldritch lineage?"

"I'm more into dirty romance novels if I'm being honest." the boy expressed.

"Unbelievable, Have you never even thought to study your origins?"

"Why should I? I've got a basic idea of what I am and that's good enough for me! What's this all about anyway?"

"Fine. But you're mistaken, this is not a book of stories, it's the actual Necronomicon. A book of spells and rituals that humans should never ever under any circumstances SCREW AROUND WITH!" Jesus explained with waning patience, "There are thirteen known copies in the world, one of them could be found in the Middle Park Community College library until last December, when it was stolen." he recounted, "This is that copy, I found it yesterday in the possession of your friend Henrietta." he revealed before handing it over to the boy, "Open the cover and read what it says aloud."

Kenny did as he was told and read the note written inside, his eyes widening in realization as the stoned out haze of last December began to clear up, "To Michael, From… Kenny…"

Jesus shook his head, "Would you like to know what's happening right now, Keanu? Thanks to you, five bored kids with nothing better to do with their time have awakened Cthulhu, he's currently wading through the ocean toward Mexico to begin destroying the world as we know it. You helped trigger the apocalypse."

"You asshole! That was supposed to be my job!" Damien reminded.

"He took your job, Damien!" Pip noted.

"HE TOOK MY JOB!" the Antichrist emphasized.

"Hey, I'm sorry for takin' yer job dude, but we've got worse shit to worry about right now!" Kenny expressed before turning back to address the messiah, "Alright, I'll take care of it, just put me back on Earth and I'll stop him, I'm supposed to be the Great Keanu, humanity's protector, right?"

Jesus shook his head, "I've put a lot of thought into this ever since the day you were first chosen, I will admit you've gone above and beyond your assignment and done a lot of good in the world with your Mysterion persona and for that I couldn't be more proud of you… But you'll always be that crazy perverted kid who likes to start fires, huff paint, and drink gasoline for money. This was the last straw Kenny, I'm un-choosing you."

"You can't un-choose me!" the boy defended.

"It's too late, you're un-chosen." Jesus affirmed.

"Well then I un-choose you as a friend!" Kenny countered, "So suck on that!"

"If that's the way you feel then fine. I have to go back to Earth and try to clean up this mess."

"I'm coming with you!" Satan exclaimed, "That world is Damien's to rule over when he sees fit, and I'm not about to let some seafood lookin' ass Godzilla wannabe destroy my only son's birthright!"

Damien smiled at the sentiment, "Thanks dad."

The souls of all but one of the teenagers I've brutally murdered over the course of this book watched as Jesus and Satan walked out of the bar, mumbling something about "The worst case scenario" to each other.

Kenny sighed as he sat down in front of the bar, laying his head down on the counter, "A week, a fuckin' week." he said to himself, "The Earth's not gonna last another week if Cthulhu's loose."

"Aw, ch-cheer up Kenny." Butters said, patting his friend on the back, "Didn't ya hear? Jesus and Satan are gonna work together to save the world! I mean, them two workin' together? They're gonna be unstoppable!"

Damien snorted in laughter, "You're so naive, Butters." he noted, "Do you realize just how powerful Cthulhu really is?"

"Damien, knock it off, you're gonna freak him out!" Kenny requested.

"Well he should be freaked out!" the Antichrist stated, "You should all be freaked out! You know why they're called the old gods, right? They've been around eons longer than the Earth itself and they only grow more powerful with age." he explained, "For comparison, our savior is only a 2000-year-old halfling and my father, in spite of being a full-blooded descendant, is only a little younger than the Earth."

"Wait, are you saying there's no stopping him?!" Craig questioned.

"AH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Tweek screamed in fear.

"Calm down, you're already dead, remember?" Damien reminded.

"Oh yeah, I forgot." Tweek said with a shaky sigh of relief.

"No, dying's the least of our worries, because if Cthulhu can't be stopped, they'll likely hit the reset button and erase us all from existence." the Antichrist explained.

"OH GOD, THAT SOUNDS WAY WORSE!" Tweek screamed, pulling his hair in fear.

"W-What do ya mean, reset button?" Butters questioned.

"It's a weapon, only to be used in worst case scenarios. It implodes the universe and then re-explodes it with a second big bang in hopes that the next universe has better luck than ours." Damien explained.

"So… There is a fate worse than death?" Pip questioned.

"Indeed there is." Damien assured.

"Oh joy, and here I thought my luck couldn't get any better." the Brit sarcastically noted before taking a swig of gin.

Kenny had mostly been ignoring the doomsday spiel, staring into his drink with a look of deep melancholy on his face, "I'm never gonna see her again." he said as the realization hit him like a truck.

Damien scoffed, "The universe is on the verge of total annihilation and all you can think about is some girl? What the hell's wrong with you?" he questioned. It wasn't a moment before the Antichrist was smacked in the face, shocking the absolute fuck out of everyone in the room including Damien himself, not so much for the action itself but rather the one who did it, "Pip… Have you completely lost your mind." he questioned, holding back his rage to the best of his abilities.

"As a gentleman who was prematurely ripped from the love of his life, I'm not prepared to sit around and listen to you dismiss a pain you know nothing about." Pip firmly stated before sitting back down in his chair.

Damien looked between Kenny and Pip as they sipped their respective drinks, he didn't fully understand the dread in their faces at this moment and perhaps he never would, but something about seeing his two closest friends like this didn't sit well with him. He smacked the glasses out of their hands and grabbed them both by their shirts, "Get up, both of you!" he commanded before pushing them out of their stools, "TWITCHY!"

"AH! WHAT'D I DO?!" Tweek asked in fear.

"Watch the bar until I get back!" The Antichrist demanded.

"AH! I CAN'T WATCH A BAR! WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS A DRINK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE?! THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" the other teen shouted.

"Well tough shit! My father's not here right now so that means I'm in charge, you'll do as you're told or face unspeakable torment, and I assure you that will be far more pressure than you could've ever dreamed possible!"

"AH! YES SIR!" Tweek shouted in compliance before rushing to his new post.

Damien walked over to Kenny and Pip as they were getting up from the floor, pulling them to their feet by the back of their coats, "Up!" he commanded, "We're leaving!"

"Where are we going?" Pip questioned.

"That depends." the Antichrist stated as he pulled out a coin, "Heads or tails?"

The two looked at him in confusion before Kenny answered, "Tails."

Damien flipped the coin and it came up heads, "Looks like we're going to England first." he stated, grabbing the two by the shoulders before the three of them were consumed in a burst of flames.

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A black sedan drove through the suburban streets of South Park, two familiar men in black suits riding within, "I just don't get how we could've lost him." Carter noted to his partner, "Do you even remember finding him?"

Jones shrugged, "I remember driving from Colorado to Massachusetts, deporting a town full of Deep Ones, then driving back to base with an orange blur in my peripheral vision."

"You think memory wiping is one of his special abilities?" his partner asked.

"Maybe. This one might be harder than we-" Jones paused when he saw a girl in a purple beret walking down the street, "Open the file to people of interest, I'm pretty sure I've seen that girl in there." he ordered.

Carter did as he was told and found the girl's picture, "Wendy Testaburger, age sixteen, SCP relation: Girlfriend." he read.

Jones immediately pulled the car up next to her and got out, making her jump in surprise, "Excuse me, young lady? Would you mind if we asked you a few questions?" he requested.

Wendy didn't need more than a second to realize the men in the sedan were the two goons that had tailed her and Kenny to Massachusetts, she didn't hesitate to run into the nearest yard and jump a fence, "HEY, STOP!" Carter commanded, pulling his gun.

"And what are you gonna do with that, murder a teenage girl in broad daylight?!" Jones questioned, "Fuckin' idiot, put it away and go after her!" he ordered, running after the girl.

The two agents caught up with her, tailing her through four yards and over three fences before finally chasing her through a gate and tripping on a garden hose that she had pulled tight across their path. Wendy kicked both men in the stomachs before taking both their guns, tossing them to the side and pulling Kenny's revolver out of her coat, "Alright, who the fuck are you guys and why are you following me and my boyfriend?!" she questioned, cocking the gun.

"We're not afraid of some little-" Carter began to say before she fired a bullet into the ground beside his head, "OH GOD, I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" the man begged.

"Way to stay calm in the face of danger." Jones said with a sigh.

"Answer the question or the next one's going in your kneecap, I have been put through the ringer all week and I am not fucking around anymore!" the girl warned.

The back door to the house they were behind suddenly opened and Eric Cartman stepped out, "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU ASSHOLES THINK YOU'RE-" he immediately shut his mouth when Wendy redirected the gun toward him, "Please enjoy my backyard, stay as long as you'd like." he said calmly before going back inside and locking the door.

Wendy pointed the gun back at her two hostages, "Last chance. Talk!"

"We're part of a top-secret agency called the SCP Foundation, our job is to capture and contain supernatural entities, and we have reason to believe your boyfriend falls under that category!" Carter explained on the verge of tears, "Please don't hurt me, I don't even care about this job, I only took it because I owe a shit-ton of money to the Cartel!" he admitted, sobbing into his hands.

Jones sighed, "Like he said, we were assigned to track down and contain Kenny McCormick."

"Why? Kenny hasn't done anything wrong! He's never hurt anyone who didn't have it coming, why the hell would you try to lock him up?!" Wendy demanded.

"You're misunderstanding, we're not trying to jail him, we need his help!" Jones expressed, "We all need his help. You've seen it on the news, Cthulhu's back and he needs to be stopped. Kenny is somehow linked to the Old Gods, we don't know how yet, but he could be the key to saving the Earth!"

"Doubtful." Wendy heard the voice of Cthulhu say in the back of her mind.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" she yelled, pointing the gun to her own head.

"NO, DON'T DO IT!" Jones shouted.

Wendy took a deep breath to compose herself as she lowered the revolver, "What do you know about Cthulhu?" she questioned.

The agent sighed in relief before answering, "We have an extensive file in the car."

"Does it say anything about how to stop him? Weaknesses, anything like that?" the girl questioned.

Jones shook his head, "It's got a few things about temporary solutions, nothing about destroying him completely though."

"As would be expected." she heard the deity state with an air of smugness.

Wendy ignored the voice in her head, "Get me the file, and Kenny's file, then get the fuck out of my town." she ordered.

"Look, Wendy, I don't think you fully grasp what-" the girl fired another bullet into the ground, "OKAY! Okay, whatever you say, we'll report back to the Foundation and get them off your backs, you'll never see any of us in South Park ever again. Sound good?"

Wendy nodded, watching as the two agents got up from the ground, only stopping them when they went to get their guns, "Leave them!" she ordered. Jones put up his hands in defeat as she followed them back to their sedan.

Carter opened the passenger door and pulled out two files, one that had around the thickness of a comic book and one that rivaled a large bible in girth, "Here." the agent said, handing them over, "I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into if you're planning what I think you are." he stated.

"Try not to lose too much sleep over it." the girl sarcastically remarked.

Carter laughed, "Who can sleep these days anyway?" he idly questioned as he got into the car.

The teenager watched as the two drove away before looking down at her newly acquired literature. "Wendy?" she heard a voice call from behind her, she turned to see Stan, Kyle, and Cartman gathered behind her with looks ranging from curiosity to concern on their faces, "What's going on?" Stan questioned.

The girl took a deep shaky breath before answering, "Haven't you heard? It's the end of the world." she stated before starting the walk to Kenny's house.

Wendy's mind was quiet for the first time in days as she crossed the train tracks into the poor side of town, Cthulhu had apparently tuned out for the time being and she could finally breathe more easily. All the stress was getting to her and she could feel her sanity depleting by the day, was this the madness she'd read so much about in her research on eldritch beings? After all, hearing voices and pulling guns on people weren't things she or anyone else tended to do when they were in their right mind.

The girl walked into the house she'd long since been welcome to enter any time she pleased and made her way to Kenny's room, putting the files down on his nightstand and collapsing on the bed with a sigh, "I really wish you were here right now Kenny. I don't know how much longer I can do this on my own." she said, "You just had to rush down to Hell, you couldn't have just-" she looked up to the dead body she was addressing to realize it was gone, 'Wait, he couldn't be back already, could he?' she mentally questioned, "Karen!" she called out.

"Yeah?" she heard the younger girl ask from her room.

"Where's Kenny?"

"What are you talking about? He's hanging from the ceiling." Karen reminded.

"No he's not." Wendy stated, getting up to examine the room for any sign of the boy's corpse, but aside from the hanging belt and toppled chair there was no sign of a dead teenager to be found.

"Of course he-" the younger girl began to argue before entering the room, "What the hell? He was there five minutes ago!"

Wendy stared at the empty space where her boyfriend once hung in thought, ruling out the impossible, considering the improbable, then remembering the fact that the word "impossible" hasn't exactly been a part of her vocabulary in months, and deduced where his body must have gone, "He regenerated already." she finally concluded in spite of the fact that it didn't make sense, "He never regenerates this fast, it always takes about a day." she explained.

"Wait, are you saying he's alive?!" Karen asked.

"He has to be." the girl stated, "But where is he? You didn't see him walk out, did you?" she questioned, Karen shook her head. Wendy considered the facts, "He must have regenerated somewhere else this time." she deduced.

Karen thought about it, she still didn't fully believe the immortal bullshit, but she was at least willing to get her hopes up for a while that she'd get her brother back, "Okay, so where is he?"

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Alright picture this, you're walking down the streets of London, you hear the bong of Big Ben to inform you that it was now one-o-clock when suddenly you see an enormous fire spontaneously combust in the middle of the street only to die out as quickly as it appeared leaving three teenage boys in the spot it once occupied, surely you'd run away screaming just as quick as the few who bore witness to Pip, Kenny, and Damien's re-entrance to the world of the living.

"Oh hell." Damien breathlessly cursed as his legs gave out, his two friends being the only thing keeping him from collapsing to the ground.

"Holy shit, are you okay dude?" Kenny asked in a worried tone as he helped carry the Antichrist to the nearby sidewalk and sat him down on the curb.

"I'm fine." he assured, taking a breath as he wiped the sweat from his brow, "I've just never teleported this far before, especially not with passengers."

Kenny pulled a flask out of his coat, "Here, take a drink." he offered.

"Thank you." Damien said before grabbing the flask and downing it, spitting it out once he realized it wasn't what he'd assumed, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!"

"Water." the other boy stated blankly.

"It's terrible! You actually drink this crap?!"

"I think most people do."

Damien rolled his eyes, "Full humans are weird." he said, taking another drink for lack of anything else to replenish his stamina.

Kenny laughed before taking a look around, to find that he had been transported into a Charles Dickens novel, the street was devoid of cars, only stagecoaches and a few people dressed in top hats and bonnets, "Wait, did we go back in time or some shit? Why's everyone look like Sherlock Holmes?" he questioned before looking over to Pip who was beaming with happiness.

"I can't believe it, we're in London! Oh, it's just as beautiful as I remember it!" the boy proclaimed with tears of joy in his eyes, "I never thought I'd see it again, the grey skies, the incredible architecture, the-" he abruptly stopped as he felt his shoe sink in something, "Horse manure… Perhaps there were some advantages to living in the states."

"Wait, so England's just been frozen in the Victorian age for the past two-hundred years?" Kenny questioned.

"Of course!" Pip excitedly answered as he tried knocking some of the horse shit off his shoe, "Why would we change what's already perfect?" he questioned while a man on the other side of the road was pickpocketed before he coughed up an unsettling amount of blood and collapsed dead on the ground while several other people carelessly walked by.

"I'll be honest, I kind of see the appeal." Damien said with a grin.

Pip looked around once more with the biggest smile either Kenny or Damien had ever seen on his face as he pulled a locket out from under his shirt, opening it to look at the picture of him and an aristocratic blonde girl that laid inside, "I can finally see Estella again." he said longingly.

"That's why we're here." Damien stated, finally mustering enough energy to stand back up, albeit still a little out of breath, "This was where you said she last lived, right?" he questioned.

"Indeed it was!" Pip confirmed, "I just hope she's still here. But even if I don't find her, just being able to see my homeland once more is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, thank you so much Damien!" he expressed as he wrapped his arms around the Antichrist, "Her house isn't too far from here. Oh, you simply must meet her, both of you! I want her to know two of the best friends I've ever had!"

Damien looked over to Kenny, "It's going to be an hour or two before I have enough energy to get you to South Park, it'll at least be better than sitting around here with our thumbs up our asses." he reasoned.

Kenny thought about it, he was a little irritated by the fact that he was an ocean away from the love of his life but Damien's reasoning was sound, "Alright dude, lead the way." he agreed with a smile.

The three made their way through the city to a rather nice looking house, Pip knocked on the door which was soon answered by a man in a suit who looked at the group of ragged teenagers with disgust, "Perhaps you didn't see the sign." he said, gesturing to a sign that read 'Beggars and Frenchmen not welcome on the premises.'

Pip shook his head, "No sir, we're not beggars and I dream of the day that blight of a nation is wiped from the map." he assured, "By any chance, does a girl named Estella still live here?"

The man sighed and rolled his eyes, "Your name?"

"Philip Pirrip." the boy answered.

"I'll see if she's in." he stated, shutting the door on them.

A moment passed before the three heard a crash from within followed by the muffled sound of a girl screaming, "I'll murder the filthy cunts who would play such a horrible prank!" the feminine voice proclaimed.

The door swung open a moment later to reveal a gorgeous young blonde girl with a furious look on her face, "Estella!" Pip began to cheerfully greet before the girl smacked him on the head with a log as hard as she could, knocking him to the ground, "Ow." the boy mumbled in pain as he laid sprawled across the lawn, "You haven't changed a bit." he stated with a smile.

Estella gasped in shock as she finally took a good look at the injured boy, "Pip?! Is it really you? I thought you were dead!"

"He might be again in a minute." Kenny noted, just a bit concerned over the blood pouring out of the other boy's ear.

"I assure you my love…" Pip began as he stood to his feet, "It will take far more than eternal damnation to keep us apart." he expressed with a smile.

"Oh darling, I thought I'd never see you again!" the girl said, throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him into a kiss.

Damien leaned over to Kenny, "Holy shit, she does exist!" he whispered.

"Yeah, and she's smoking hot, what the fuck?!" the boy whispered in return.

Pip and Estella finally separated before the boy turned to address his friends, "Gentlemen, this is my girlfriend Estella." he introduced, "Estella, these are my two dearest friends in all of Hell, Damien Thorn and Kenneth McCormick."

"Charmed." Damien monotonously stated.

"Hey." Kenny added with a wave.

"Oh, they're so… American." the girl noted, "Are they clean?"

"Clean as we can be after doing all the dirty work in two world wars." Kenny sarcastically stated as he and Damien let themselves inside, "Two questions, what the hell's a crumpet and do you have any? I haven't eaten since I was almost killed by fish dicks."

"Ooh, fish sticks would be good too." Damien stated, his own stomach being just as empty as Kenny's, "You do have fish sticks in this weird backward country, right?"

Pip and Estella watched as the two boys made themselves at home, "I'm not entirely certain I approve of your new friends, Pip." Estella expressed.

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Wendy and Karen sat on Kenny's bed, reading through the two files Wendy had acquired. Karen was looking through Kenny's file and laughed when she got to the 'People of Interest' section, "They have me down as sister/possible lover. These guys know what's up." she said with a grin.

"Putting aside your extremely unhealthy obsession with screwing your own brother, can you at least not fantasize about stealing my boyfriend right in front of me?!" Wendy requested.

"Who said anything about stealing him?" the younger girl questioned, "There's room for three in this bed if you plan it out right." she said with a dirty grin.

Wendy rolled her eyes, "I can't tell if you two are the biggest perverts I've ever met or you're playing some kind of game to see which one of you can drive me completely insane first."

"It's both." Karen assured with a smirk, "So, any new info on how to stop Cthulhu?"

The older girl sighed, "Like they said, there's nothing about how to destroy him. From what I've gathered so far, he's just like Kenny in the sense that he can die but he doesn't stay dead. It takes him longer to regenerate but the same principle applies, he wakes up like nothing ever happened and lies dormant until he's either awoken or returned to full power after a few thousand years of rest." she explained.

Karen nodded as she considered the information, "So he's weak right now." she noted.

"What?"

"It takes thousands of years for him to regenerate to full power, right?" Wendy nodded, "Well the last time he died was eight years ago. That's gotta be the Old God equivalent to falling asleep on the couch for a half hour and feeling like shit afterward."

Wendy thought about the younger girl's theory, "That… Makes a lot of sense, actually."

"She's a smart one, too bad a fraction of my power is still far more than you could ever compete with." the dark voice of Cthulhu gloated from nowhere.

Wendy ignored the voice, choosing not to give him the satisfaction of an outburst. The odd thing was she didn't even need to find something to distract her from it, rather the distraction found her when Karen noticeably tensed up, squeezing Kenny's file in her hands with a crinkling sound, "What's wrong?" she questioned.

Karen gasped lightly, "Nothing!" she explained, quickly calming herself, "It's nothing, I've just been a little stressed out today."

The older girl nodded, while not fully content with the explanation she was willing to accept it for the moment. Granted, Wendy was in no place to talk about anyone's mental state at the moment anyway. You wanna hear about stress? Wendy had the weight of the world on her shoulders, humanity was in jeopardy, and she had the Earth's potential destroyer taunting her from within her own mind the whole way through, it left her with a cold empty feeling in the pit of her stomach, her breathing became shaky, she could feel herself trembling as the reality of what was happening crashed down on top of her.

She could hear Cthulhu laughing in the back of her head, he knew damn well what was happening, Wendy was going mad, MAD DAMMIT! Just like everyone who'd answered the call of Cthulhu before her!

Wendy listened as the god who tore her mind to shreds cackled with delight, it had to have been the most horrific thing she'd ever heard in her life, an otherworldly sound to which none other could compare. It mocked her, tormented her… Until it started to slowly fade away.

The girl felt herself relax ever so slightly as the maniacal laugh of Cthulhu was seemingly pulled from her mind like a rotten tooth. She could feel her heart swell as the horrible noise was replaced with a familiar voice so crisp and beautiful that she could swear it was whispering right in her ear, "Hang in there angel, I'll be home soon." she could hear Kenny say.

The cold empty feeling she'd been plagued with seemed to quickly subside and Wendy could suddenly think clearly again. "Are you okay?" Karen asked her in a worried tone.

Wendy took a deep breath and exhaled, "Yeah, I'm alright. Let's figure out how to kill this calamari headed freak once and for all." she said with a triumphant grin.

A/N: I wasn't gonna update again until I had the story finished up to the end but I figured I was kind of obligated to put something up now considering the occasion. What occasion, you ask? Well, one year ago today was when I polished up the final draft for the first chapter of Dead Man Walking and posted it for the world to see.

Happy anniversary everyone.