Chapter 13

'Adam, Adam? Are you awake?'

Missie's soft voice teased him back to reality and he sighed as he opened his eyes. 'I am now. What's wrong honey?'

'Can't sleep.' Her lip quivered, holding her kitten tight as she stood shivering in her nightgown. 'My mind is too jumbled up.'

'Come here then.' He lifted the covers and she climbed in beside him, snuggling up against him. 'What's going on inside that pretty head?'

'Keep thinking how I'm such a disappointment to Pa. I never wanted to hurt him or you and I did, by being bad.'

For a girl so mature sometimes he felt she was no older inside than a little child. 'Your not a disappointment, we might have been disappointed by what you did but you could never be a disappointment. Why are you thinking like that?'

'Because of how Pa looks at me. I've been trying so hard to be good and not be a bother or burden on him and I went and messed up.'

'Are you still worried about what happened the other day?' The girl nodded after a moment. 'There's no need to be, we've dealt with it and it's over sweetheart. Why are you still thinking about it?'

She bit her lip, Hope curling up next to her on top of the covers. 'Do you think Pa loves me any less because of what I did?'

'Of course not honey, Pa loves you very much and nothing you do could change that. Is that's what really bothering you? Your worried Pa doesn't love you anymore?'

'Yes.' Came the soft, serious reply. 'I wanted my father to love me, that's why I worked so hard to be good. He said I wasn't good enough for him to love me and if I wanted him to love me I had to be good. He beat me because I was bad and said I had to earn his love. I tried so so hard to get him to love me and I couldn't. I was too bad to be loved.'

Oh sweet Missie, sweetheart. His heart broke for her, the girl letting out a little sob and he held her tighter as he kissed her head. She wouldn't have been any older than eight at the time he guessed, going off what she'd told him of her life before. It made him sick to his stomach when he heard more of her childhood. If her father were still alive there'd have been nothing he would have enjoyed more than putting him through a taste of what Missie would have to live with the rest of her life. Her father had really given her a twisted view of what love meant. 'Love can't be earnt sweetheart, there's nothing you or I could do to make someone love us. Love is given free and unconditionally without strings attached. That's why you've been so upset, you've thought you had to earn love from those around you and you thought it would be taken away because you going against me.'

'Yes.' She sniffled, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. 'Do you still love me Adam even though I didn't do what you wanted?'

'Of course I do my Missie-Moo. There's nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you just like I couldn't do anything that would make Pa stop loving me. What about your siblings? You loved them didn't you?' She nodded. 'When they did something wrong, did you stop loving them?'

'Of course not.'

'That goes for us too. We love you for who you are not because of what you do.'

'But how can I be sure you love me? My father said he loved my Ma and yet he killed her.'

Adam was starting to understand what his father had been meaning with it being difficult raising Missie. Her mind had been so twisted by her father's abuse she just didn't grasp even the basic concepts of what love was. 'There's an element of faith you have to have I guess, faith that when someone tells you they love you that they're telling you the truth.'

'And how can you tell if they're telling the truth?'

'By their actions. Take Hope for example. If you were to toss her outside and not care for her but say to me that you loved her, do you think I would believe you?' She shook her head. 'No, because the actions don't align with what you say. On the other hand, I see how you care for her, you feed her and play with her and make sure she's happy. When I see that and hear you say you love her, I know it's true.'

'That makes sense. So you and Pa, and Hoss and Little Joe, the way you look out for me is something someone could say as evidence backing up the claim you love me.'

'Yes, exactly.'

'I think I understand.'

'Can you think of any other examples?'

'Me giving you a drawing, Pa sitting up with me all night when I was sick. Little Joe helping me with my chores, Hoss helping Lilly.' She thought about it for a moment. 'You do things out of love because you want to do something nice for someone because you love them, not you wanting them to love you.'

'You've got it sis.' Inwardly he breathed a sigh of relief that his explanation made sense to her. 'So, you see, Pa still loves you regardless of what happened and I still love you too.'

She felt her eyes misting up and quickly brushed her tears away. 'I always wanted to be loved, really loved. I know Ma and Pa loved me but it wasn't like you love me. Ma was always so busy with my other siblings and Pa had his ranch. I was just- there. I wasn't special or wanted. I wasn't their favourite. Rose was Ma's favourite and the boys were Pa's. I watched other girls my age with their families and I wanted what they had because I didn't. I loved Ma and Pa with everything I had but they were too busy to really love me back.'

'I can assure you without a doubt that you are very much wanted, special and loved by us. Your Pa's favorite girl and my favorite sister.'

She chuckled a little. 'The only one of both.'

'That's just an unimportant minor detail.'

Missie snuggled closer to him, her head on his arm as he rested his chin on hers, stroking her hair gently. 'It was Mama's birthday on Tuesday.'

Suddenly everything that had happened the past few days made sense. 'It was? Why didn't you mention about it?'

'Hurts too much to think of it. I wanted to break in a horse for Ma for her birthday, Pa was going to let me when we got to the new ranch. I thought maybe if I could give her the best present-' Her voice trailed off and she sighed. 'Silly wasn't it?'

'No, it wasn't silly.' Had he known the girl had been struggling with what she'd revealed back then he wouldn't have been caught by surprise with her episode. They could have been prepared for it. Obviously it had been building up inside her for quite some time. 'I think it was sweet.'

'I haven't even been out to see her grave, or any of them. I should have taken out flowers to her. Do you think I could go out there?'

'I'd have to speak to Pa, it's a long ride there and back.' He hadn't seen them either but there was no way of knowing how she would react going to the place of her families murder. 'Do you think you might be able to sleep now?'

'Can I stay here? You can scare the nightmares away.'

He chuckled, stroking her soft cheek. 'You can stay. I'll keep the nightmares at bay.'

The girl closed her eyes, tucking her hands beneath her chin. 'Night Adam.'

'Night Missie-Moo.'

Missie's breathing soon became steadier and deeper and he knew she had fallen asleep. Carefully he slid his arm out from beneath her and moved over to the other side of the bed so he wouldn't disturb her. She might be sleeping peacefully but now his mind was active with thoughts. How could anyone be so cruel to a child to abuse them and tell them they'd stop if they could earn their love. The closer Missie became with them and shared more of her past the harder it became to think of it. Such a sweet, gentle girl to be treated like that really stirred him up. He honestly couldn't understand how someone could be so horrible to a child. He glanced back at her, the girl looking angelic as she slept. No one will ever, ever hurt you again. He promised to himself. Another thing was for certain too. That young Missie learnt what love really was.


Ben looked up from his breakfast as Adam came down the stairs and joined him at the table. 'You don't look like you got much sleep.'

He reached for the pot of coffee. 'I didn't. Missie woke me around midnight and after that I couldn't get back to sleep. I left her in bed, she's still sleeping. I don't think she's been getting much rest at all lately.'

'Did she have a nightmare or something?'

'I don't know, I don't think so. She just wanted to talk really.' He took a sip of coffee and started filling his plate up. 'Have you noticed she's been a bit different the last couple of days, since the incident with the stallion?'

'She's been extremely quiet, it's almost like she's been trying to avoid me too.'

'I noticed that but I wondered if you did. Missie asked me last if you didn't love her anymore because of what happened.'

Ben raised his eyebrows, looking at his son. 'Where did she get that idea?'

'Her father. For someone so mature I felt like I was explaining what love was to a four year old child for the first time. Missie's been thinking she's got to earn our love and because she was 'bad' she was worried we wouldn't love her anymore. She believes that why her father beat her was because she was bad and he said if she was good he would love her and not abuse her anymore.' He explained between bites of his meal. 'He really twisted what her idea of love is.'

'What did you say?'

'I explained that we're not like that, we're not going to stop loving her if she does something wrong. Her next question then was how could she tell if someone really loved her? Her argument was her father said he loved her mother and he killed her.

'She's been really thinking it over then.' He had his elbows on the table, resting his chin on his hands. 'It makes sense why she was so afraid the other day, I don't think it's a beating she's scared of in a sense but rather of disappointing me.'

He nodded. 'Because she believes if she does we'll stop loving her. I hope I did a good job of explaining things to her, I was at a loss to know what to say. She's such a sweet girl I just don't know how her father could have treated her that way. He used his 'love' as a tool to abuse her with.'

'I'm not surprised it took a long time for her to trust us with her father using that against her.' Ben sighed heavily. 'I'm sure you handled it just right son, Missie seems to understand things better anyway when it comes from you. She's got a real attachment to you.'

'She reminded me of Little Joe last night, coming in to ask if he could sleep with me to scare away the nightmares.' He helped himself to another piece of toast. 'It's just lucky for her father he's six foot under or I'd have given him a taste of his own medicine.'

'That wouldn't have helped Missie in anyway. I'd like to have given him a good beating for what he's put her through but we can't dwell on that. The main thing is we move forward and help her.'

'Missie mentioned it was her mother's birthday on Tuesday.' His father looked over at him. 'She was wondering if perhaps we could take her to visit her grave.'

'Do you think that would be wise? I mean, her going back there with how she's been lately.'

'I don't think so. In my opinion I think she needs more time before going there. Perhaps in the Spring maybe. I said though I'd leave it up to you.'

Ben nodded. 'I think that might be a good idea. I'll speak with her about it later.'

'Morning Pa, Adam.' Missie greeted softly, her kitten resting on her shoulder as she came over to the table. 'I'm sorry I'm late for breakfast.'

'That's alright honey, did you have a good sleep?' He pushed his chair away from the table table, motioning for her to come over to him. He was slightly surprised when she sat down on his lap, resting her head against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. 'Everything alright honey?'

Adam felt it best to leave them to talk and quickly wiped his face with a napkin as he stood. 'I'm going to get a start on those chores.'

He left, the girl not saying anything but just resting in his hold. Hope crawled off her shoulder and went to curl up on his chair near the fireplace. 'What's wrong Missie?'

'Adam tell you about last night?'

'Yes he did honey.'

Missie sniffed, her hand holding firmly onto the front of his vest. 'Do you still love me Pa?'

'Of course I do honey.' He kissed her head, resting his cheek against her. 'There's nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you sweetheart. I love you unconditionally just as I love my sons. Nothing can change that.'

'Promise?'

'I promise, baby girl.' She breathed a huge sigh of relief, snuggling into him. Adam was right, despite her maturity sometimes it felt like she were a little child. He could remember well Little Joe coming to him when he was scared or afraid, curling up on his lap as the girl had done so now. 'Feel better now?'

'I do Pa. Thank you.'

'I want you to remember honey that I will always love you, no matter what happens or what you do. I hold you in my heart, you are a part of me just as much as your brothers are. You are my daughter. Nothing will ever change that or the love I have for you. Do you understand?'

She nodded, letting his soft words embed deep within her heart. All her worries seemed to melt away in his strong arms. In her fathers arms there was warmth, safety, security, love. Love and safety she'd never experienced in her life. For the first time in her life she could know without a doubt that she was truly loved. It was as if someone had placed a blanket around her, she felt warm and secure as if her heart knew this was where she truly belonged. 'I understand Pa, I understand.' She did, with her whole heart. 'I love you Pa.'

Ben smiled, kissing her again as he cradled her in his arms. Even with all the heartache and worry he had, hearing those simple heartfelt words from her lips made everything right. Missie was different from her brothers in that she showed more feelings and emotion but that was what contributed to what made her special. 'I love you too.'

The girl smiled and chuckled softly, closing her eyes as she relaxed in his hold. 'You know it was Mama's birthday on Tuesday.'

'Adam told me. He said you wanted to go out and see the graves.'

'I do. I don't think I can go back there just yet though. I wanted to put flowers on Ma's grave for her birthday but I don't think I'm ready just yet. Is that a bad thing?'

'No, it's not. We'll take you there when you think you're ready.'

'Thanks Pa.' She pulled away, looking at the table. 'I guess I better have some breakfast.'

'I better get ready too, Adam and I've got to take those horses in for the army.' The girl sat down in her own chair, starting on her plate and he thought for a moment. 'Would you like to come along and help?'

Missie's face lit up. 'Really? Oh please Pa.'

'We'll have to make up for time, they're supposed to be in Virginia City at noon.' The girl began to eat quicker and he chuckled. 'Slow down my dear, you'll choke.'

'Sorry-' She slowed but only slightly and forked her eggs and bacon onto her toast. 'Now I've got a breakfast sandwich.' She exclaimed, placing another piece of bread on top and stood as she picked it up. 'Come on Pa, we don't want to be late.'

He smiled as the girl hurried to the door and he followed, putting his hat and gun belt on. 'Your lively this morning.'

'I feel a lot better, I had a good sleep too.'

'I can see that.' They started out to the barn, Ben placing his arm around the girl. 'Your brothers should be home today. I'll be having a word with Joe about the stallion when he gets home.'

A shiver ran up her spine. 'What are you going to do with him?'

'I haven't decided yet, depends on our conversation.' They walked into the barn, Adam at work tacking up his gelding. 'Missie's going to help us drive the horses into Virginia City.'

'I hope you don't mind Adam.'

'Of course not, it'll be good having you come along.' He led his gelding out of the stall and towards the door. 'I'll meet you at the yards Pa, I'll make sure the men have the horses ready.'

'Alright son, we won't be far off.' Ben carried his tack over to his gelding as Missie brushed the roan over. 'I'll bring his tack over for you.'

'Thanks Pa.'

'You still wearing that pistol of yours?'

Missie paled. 'Y-yes.'

'With everything that's happened I haven't had a chance to take you out on the range for target practice. How about we go out tomorrow afternoon?'

'Sure, I guess.' He placed the roan's tack on the stall wall and left to tack up his own horse. 'I guess it is probably a mite peculiar, a girl wearing a gun. I don't imagine the mayor's daughters would be carrying one. I don't imagine they'd do much of anything.'

'I think you're probably right. Then again, you're not like most girls your age either.'

The girl chuckled as she saddled up the roan. 'I don't know if to take that as a compliment or not.' The cinch tightened she picked up the bridle and finished tacking him up then led him to the door. 'I'm going to go see if I can catch up to Adam.'

'Just be careful.'

'Of course Pa.' She mounted the roan just outside the barn and urged him into a canter towards the road. She let him warm up for a little bit then asked him to gallop. Oh she hadn't galloped in ages- She let out an excited holler and urged him on faster, her hair working out of her braid as the gelding flew beneath her. Up on the path ahead she could see Adam and she slowed the roan back to a canter.

'Your going somewhere in a hurry.'

Missie grinned, patting her gelding's sweaty shoulder. 'Just catching up to my favourite big brother.'

'You sound like you're crawling for something.'

'Maybe.'

'What is it?'

'How about a race up to the tree?' She nodded at an oak about a quarter mile down the path. 'You game?'

'Oh alright. Three, two- Hey!'

'You snooze, you lose.' She laughed over her shoulder as he spurred his horse into a gallop to catch up with her. She could hear Adam's horse coming up quick behind her and spurred her horse on faster. The gelding was fast but not as fast as Sport and Adam steadily pulled ahead. They slowed as the tree approached and she gave the roan a pat as she brought him to a halt. 'You win fair and square, it was a good race.'

'You're a good rider too, you might have had Sport and I if you had just a little more head start.' Sport tossed his head, champing at the bit in annoyance of being stopped. 'That little cow pony is fast but not as fast as this guy.'

'I need to get a faster horse, if I were on Lilly I'd have left you far behind in my dust.'

'Sure, sure.'

'I would have.' She replied with a grin as they started onto the yards once more. 'Next to Sport what's the fastest horse you've got on this fine ranch?'

'That'd have to be Cochise but it depends on who's riding her. That mare doesn't take much of a liking to anyone who isn't Joe, worse than this guy with me.'

'I wonder if Joe would lend her to me for a race with you sometime.'

'I doubt it, he doesn't like anyone racing her, except himself of course.'

'I guess I'd better start looking for a horse of my own in earnest then.' Unbeknownst to any of them she had her heart firmly set in that black stallion back at the house in the corral. He was Joe's horse though, she couldn't rightly ask him for the horse when she didn't have the money to buy him. A stallion like him cost money and of that she had none. She already owed the Cartwrights a handsome sum for all the things they'd brought her already. No, despite her heart being with that stallion there was no way she'd be able to have him. Besides, after what had happened she highly doubted anyone would trust him with her. Oh, she could handle him that wasn't a problem at all. The problem was still the same old. She was a girl. 'Oh Adam, when are you going to cough up?'

'Pardon?'

'The bet.'

'Oh-' A smile spread across his face. 'I'd hoped you'd have forgotten all about that.'

'Sorry older brother, I'm afraid I won that fair and square.'

'Yes, I'll say you did. Remind me tonight after dinner and I'll make good on that bet.'

'That would be brilliant.'

'What are you going to spend it on?'

'I'll probably give it to Pa to pay him back for what he's brought me.'

'Well I'll tell you now he probably won't take it.'

'No, I'd expect that. I think most likely it'll go in safekeeping so he won't have to pay for anything else.'

'When I have a chance I'll sit down and figure out what kind of wage you should be on.'

'Your going to pay me for doing work around here?'

'Well you don't think I work for nothing now, do you? That way you'll have money to buy what you need, you can choose what you want and when.'

'I've never been paid for doing work before.'

'It'll be a good learning curve for you then.' They reached the yard and a hand came to meet them as they pulled up. 'Morning Todd, all the horses ready to go?'

'Ready and waiting. Andy and Mason will be going along-' He looked at the girl. 'What's she doing here?'

'She's helping us with the horses, Pa invited her along.'

'Well if the great Mr. Cartwright wants a nuisance along that's his problem-'

'I'd apprentice it sir if you didn't speak of my sister that way.'

Missie sighed. 'It's fine Adam, I've been called worse before. The hands on Pa's ranch didn't cotten well to me being there either, even less when he left me in charge on the occasion.' She looked down at the hand, her jaw set firmly. 'I'll be sure to keep the nuisance of my presence out of your way sir. I'm going to go take a look at the horses.'

She dismounted, walking away as Adam and the hand exchanged words and sighed. All men were alike, present family excluded of course. They either thought they were there just for their enjoyment or they had to be kept firmly locked away and helpless in the home. She firmly disagreed with both.

Climbing up on the fence she looked over the stock tied up in the pen. There were about thirty horses of different sizes and colours but the main characteristic they shared was they appeared to be mustangs. They were good looking horses and would be swift and nimble but there weren't any that really caught her eye. The stallion however, from the moment she saw her she knew he was the one. Even so she hadn't disobeyed her father and hadn't so much as looked at him after the incident.

'They're fine animals, aren't they Miss?'

She turned to the hand that had joined her on the fence. 'They're good stock. That bay over there, with those legs and deep chest he'd run for miles. They're nothing special or fancy though, just good honest work horses.'

'So you know a thing or two 'bout horses then do you?'

'A few. Mr-'

'Adderson. You can call me Jimmy. May I ask what I can call you?'

'Miss Cartwright will do.'

'Don't you have a first name?'

'I prefer to be on a last name basis with gentlemen.'

He grinned. He liked this one. What the other hands had been saying about her was true. 'You sure are something, aren't you? You'll be right at home with the high and mighty Cartwrights.'

'I was raised with manners-' She pushed aside the hand that had been creeping closer along the rail to her back. 'Which you sir seem to be lacking.'

'I'm sorry Miss, I assure you my intentions were strictly honorable. A pretty Lass like you would be a prize for any man's arm. Would you have a beau?'

'No, and I have no intention of having one in the near future.' She went to leave but he placed his hand on her arm. She couldn't help the shiver that ran up her spine at his touch. 'Remove your hand from me at once.'

'I just want to talk with you, what harm is there in that?'

'How old do you think I am?'

'Sixteen, seventeen.'

'Twelve.' She spat back, her eyes not leaving his or backing down. 'I'll request again that you let me go.'

'Twelve you say? I must admit I don't mind a young one-'

That was the last straw for her. Before the man could react she planted a hard punch directly at his nose. He let go and staggered back, dazed for a moment and she took the opportunity to make a calm but quick getaway back to her horse.

Adam had caught the last of what had happened, running over to meet her as another hand rendered assistance to the man she'd punched. 'What happened?'

'Men.' She rolled her eyes, still walking briskly to the roan. 'They're so dumb, stupid and just downright idiots.'

'Why thank you.'

'Present company excluded of course.'

'And what did this man do in particular for you to punch him?'

'Wouldn't let go of my arm when I asked him politely to. Twice, mind you.'

Adam made the girl turn to him before she could mount her horse. 'Did he hurt you?'

'I have a feeling he got the raw end of the deal.' Her knuckles were still a little sore too. 'It's alright Adam, I took care of it. I doubt he'll bother me again.'

'I'll go have a word with him-'

'Don't. Please. I need to be able to hold my own against others, I'm not going to be able to rely on you to save me all the time. I learnt that a long time ago. Words are well and good but as soon as the back of the one who spoke them is turned they'll do as they please. However if they know they push me they'll only end up being hurt themselves it might make them stop and think. Hands talk, I doubt they'll make any trouble for me once word gets around I've got a good right hook. My left is as equally useful too.'

'I don't want you looking for fights-'

'I wasn't Adam, honest. I was minding my own business looking at the horses and he started it. He thought I was seventeen.' She scoffed. 'Seriously, do I look that old?'

Adam raised his eyebrow. At first glance of the girl with the way she was dressed in a high collared shirt and skirt down to her ankles yes, that would contribute to someone thinking she was older then she was. 'You look- mature.'

'Old, older brother. Old.' She replied then chuckled. 'Some things never change I guess.'

'Are you sure I shouldn't go talk to them?'

'I'm sure. If it happens again then you can enjoy laying down the law but for now I think his pride will remind him not to touch me in a hurry. I was probably hasty in punching him but I was polite. I asked him twice to remove his hand, he was asking for it when he said he likes girls young.'

'Horses about ready to go Adam?'

'Yeah Pa.' He looked over as his father brought his horse to a stop. 'I'll go fetch them in a moment, something else came up.'

'Oh?'

'Yeah, I'm sorry. I might have just punched one of your hands in the nose.' Missie apologised. 'Sorry.'

'What?' He frowned. 'Come again?'

'One of the hands was talking her up and wouldn't let her leave the conversation. She punched him.'

Oh boy. The joys of having a daughter. 'You alright Missie?'

'I'm fine, his nose will be sore for a while but it'll be a good reminder to him when a woman asks him to remove his hand off her arm, do it.' She put her foot in the stirrup and mounted up, the roan tossing his head a little. 'I asked him twice to let me go but he needed a little more persuasion. I think he's learnt his lesson though.'

'I'll go get the horses.'

Ben brought his horse up beside Missie's as Adam walked away. 'I'll have a talk to the men-'

'It's fine Pa, I dealt with it. If it happens again, yes, then by all means. Other than that, forget about it.'

'You never cease to amaze me.'

She laughed. 'I hope not, I've got a few more things up my sleeve you've no idea about yet.'

I bet you do. 'Wouldn't be another gun would it?'

'No Pa, I only have my revolver. Promise.' Adam returned with a string of five horses tied together, the hands bringing the rest of them along. 'What do you want me to do?'

'Think you're up to taking care of these?'

'Sure.' He handed her the rope and she glanced over the horses. They seemed calm enough for horses that were only green broke, it certainly wasn't the hardest thing she'd done either. 'Thanks again for bringing me along Pa.'

Ben stifled a chuckle. Somehow he had a feeling this girl was going to be bringing a new flavour to ranch life in the future. 'You're welcome Missie.'