She-Blah
Episode 12
No Hope
Adora fell screaming down the bottomless pit, dropping deeper into the bowels of the ancient ruin. Snippets of her memories played out on the walls as she plummeted, arms and legs flailing uselessly.
"AAAAAA- so that's where I left my keys- AAAAAAAA- " She blinked and suddenly found herself standing in an empty room. Her scream slowly trailed off as she looked around, relaxing. "Phew...thank God that's over-"
"Hello, Adora," someone said from behind her.
"AAAAAAAA!" Adora whirled around and lashed out with her sword. "How many times do I have to stab you before you LEARN, Light Hope?!" She paused, frowning as she studied the person she'd just plunged her sword into. This wasn't a sex-doll-looking hologram, this almost looked like a living person, a tall woman with a shaved head and a purple hooded robe. "Wait...Light Hope? It...IS you, right? I'm not hallucinating? Is this real or- wait a second. Am I dead?" Her frown deepened. "It...would explain my life flashing before my eyes- oh my God are you Jesus-"
"I can be, if you like." The woman changed shape, becoming a robed man with a beard and long hair. "Or perhaps you would prefer something else." She changed into Beyonce and started singing Crazy in Love. "Got me lookin' so crazy right now, your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now-"
"Oh my God Bow was right- I mean...can you just change back to normal?" Adora asked.
"I have been waiting for you since you were an infant," Light Hope said, reverting to her original form, "but I could not reach you, and I could not protect you from the Horde. Instead, I watched you grow up from afar..." She lowered her head sadly.
"Aww..." Adora's expression softened. "You did? That's so-"
Hundreds of screens popped up, revealing hidden camera footage from the Horde fortress of Adora's childhood, bathroom breaks included.
"...terrifying," Adora finished uncomfortably. "I did NOT consent to that."
"I also killed several soldiers and wore their skin like flesh-bags-"
"OKAY seriously what the FUCK lady that is some Silence of the Lambs shit-"
"Forgive me, my human programming is several years out of date," Light Hope said, then dabbed.
"Please...don't...ever...do that again," Adora said slowly, looking sick.
"Is that not acceptable? How about this?" She began to do 'The Floss'.
"*Huuuurk!*" Adora doubled over.
-Meanwhile...-
Back at Bright Moon, Glimmer paced around her bedroom, worried and frantic.
"What is taking so long?" she burst out. "Seriously, we've been waiting forever! How long are we supposed to just SIT here?!"
"The Dominos App says they'll be here in six minutes," Bow said, holding up his phone.
"Not the fucking pizza, Bow! I mean Adora!"
"...Oh." He blinked. "...I don't have an app for that-"
"We can't just sit around and wait for her to get back," Glimmer ranted on. "We have to DO something!"
"...You want to make her some cookies as a surprise?" Bow suggested.
"Did someone say cookies?!" The door suddenly burst open and the rainbow-winged unicorn from earlier galloped in, shaking out his luxurious mane. "L'oreal, because I'm worth it-"
"Holy shit our horse can talk?!" Bow gaped in shock. "Quick, say 'Wilburrr'!"
"I find that incredibly offensive-" the horse sniffed.
"I'll make 'em oatmeal cookies."
"WILLLLLBUUUUURRRRR-"
"Bow, stop being ridiculous. You can't feed a horse cookies," Glimmer interrupted, hands on her hips. "You feed it carrots. They make him run faster, right Epona?"
"How dare you?" The horse reared his head in outrage. "I'll have you know my name is Swift Wind and I am an intelligent, sophisticated being, not some dumb animal-"
"You're shitting on the floor," Bow stated.
"Yeah, what's your point?" Swift Wind stared at him blankly, tail raised as he continued dropping steamy horse turds. He finally finished and they all stood there for a long, awkward moment. "...Is someone gonna clean that up or what-"
"Couldn't you have used the fountain?" Glimmer pointed over to it.
"Ew, no, that's disgusting. I have standards- oh, that looks yummy." He leaned over and took a bite out of the curtains. "Anyway," Swift Wind went on, chewing, "I have a feeling that Adora needs me. Ever since she gave me this fabulous makeover I've been able to sense where she is at all times, like some kind of instinct, and now I feel a sort of pull, almost as if she's calling me to- what are you doing?"
"...Braiding your mane," Bow said, standing next to him.
"Oh well by all means continue. Do my tail while you're at it."
"Sure!" Bow went back to braiding. "Do you prefer normal or French?"
"Hold on what were you saying about Adora?" Glimmer interrupted.
"Okay so I think she's in trouble or something and we need to go help but like honestly it can wait oh my God are those barrettes-"
"Yeah, look, they have little butterflies on them-"
"Forget the fucking barrettes!" Glimmer shouted at them. "We're coming with you to help Adora- ah!" She winced as she glitched for a moment.
"Glimmer, you can't go," Bow said with concern. "You're still glitching."
"Ew. Glitching? What is that? Is that infectious?" Swift Wind stomped a hoof nervously. "I'm not sure if I want her sitting on me if it's infectious, I don't want to catch it. I mean we could wrap her up in plastic like a giant condom-"
"Adora left to try and learn how to help me, so it's only fair that I go to help her," Glimmer pointed out, not backing down.
"Alright, fine," Bow sighed in resignation, "but I don't think your mom's gonna like it if we leave right after we just got back."
"That's why we're not gonna tell her," Glimmer said with a wink, opening her door.
"Not tell me what?" Queen Angella asked, standing right outside in the hall.
Glimmer slammed the door shut in her face.
"Mother FUCKER!" She started shoving Bow towards the broken window. "Hurry, jump! Break your legs if you have to-"
"I can hear you," Angella said through the door, "and you'd better believe you're going to be punished for language. You do not talk about your father like that!"
"Oh my God GO GO GO I need you to break my fall-"
"Alright, enough." Angella barged in, fixing her daughter with a stern look as she lifted a dainty boot covered in poop. "Care to explain yourself, young lady?"
"...What?" Glimmer made a face. "Mom, no, that wasn't me! That was the talking horse!"
"Talking horse?" Her mother scoffed. "You expect me to believe that? That is the most ridiculous lie I have ever-" There was a snort from behind and she paused, then slowly turned around to come face-to-face with Swift Wind.
"Guuuurl, you have got some busted-ass wings. They hella fugly," he said. "Get. On. My. Level. Biiiiitch~"
"Okay first of all my wings are flawless," Queen Angella clapped back, "second of all, Glimmer, good job covering your bases and teaching this horse to talk. Third of all, you need to get going if you want to help Adora." She swept an arm towards the door. Glimmer gaped at her in shock.
"Wait…you're just...letting us go? Without ankle monitors or anything?" She frowned. "...Did you insert a tracking chip somewhere inside me?" Her voice dropped to a horrified whisper. "...Is...is it in my butt-"
"Glimmer," Angella cut in, touching her daughter's face lovingly, "I realize now that you are a strong, independent young woman, and I respect you and believe in your ability to make good decisions." She paused. "Now here are some healthy lunches that I packed for each of you plus extra snacks and a pair of clean underwear – just in case - and some water bottles so you stay hydrated and make sure you're back before dark because that's when the perverts come out-"
"Oh my God MOOOOMMM-" Glimmer groaned in embarrassment. "Thanks love you bye!" She grabbed the stuff and gave her mother a quick kiss on the cheek before running out the door, Bow in tow. Swift Wind followed after them, pausing next to the Queen.
"When we get back, I will be burning your stables to the ground and freeing my equine brethren from their unjust life of servitude-" Bow grabbed him by the tail and dragged him off. "THE HORSE UPRISING IS NIGH-"
-In the Fright Zone-
Back at the Horde Fortress, Catra angrily stormed into a room, lip curling up in a sneer.
"What the FUCK do you want?" she demanded.
"…You," Scorpia blurted out, frozen in place, her eyes wide.
"I'm not talking to you!" Catra barked at her, glaring around the room. "I'm talking to the Princess of Nerdopolis or whatever. The fuck is she?" The vent in the ceiling suddenly crashed open and Entrapta fell out, hitting the ground with a splat.
"EMERGENCY MEETING PURPLE VENTED-" Scorpia sputtered, slapping at the alarm button.
"Oh, good, you got my note!" Entrapta said excitedly as she sat up.
"Bitch, this is a thesis," Catra snarled, slamming a thick binder down on the table. "Can't you just send a fucking text?"
"I kept it brief!" Entrapta protested.
"Look, just start talking before I'm overcome by the urge to kill you- wait, nevermind, there it is-" Catra unsheathed her claws and started towards her.
"I just wanted to let you know that I am making great strides in analyzing the data from the First One's data crystal you brought," Entrapta explained, rolling away on a computer chair just as Catra lunged. Oblivious, she rolled around the room, punching random buttons and plugging in wires, then placing the data crystal into a slot. A nearby computer lit up, a bunch of diagnostics scrolling across the screen. "Just look at these readings! It confirms my theories on the techno-organic nature of First One's machinery resulting in thaumaturlogical compatibility between magic and science-"
"Okay, STOP." Catra held up a hand. "We're going to need you to translate that into dumbass." She paused. "Not for me, though. It's for...Scorpia."
"Oh, no, I understood perfectly," Scorpia said, scribbling some notes on a pad and adjusting her glasses. Catra gaped at her.
"The fuck you doing with those?"
"Trying to see if you have a glasses kink- I mean, er, taking notes."
"Bullshit!" Catra narrowed her eyes. "...You're drawing titties or something." Scorpia held up the pad to show several pages covered in complicated calculations. "...There's no way you actually understand-" Scorpia moved over to a small lab complete with vials and a Bunsen burner and started mixing different-colored chemicals in test tubes. With a poof, there was a reaction, the resulting liquid turning a bright pink. She gave Catra a sultry look over her safety goggles.
"Hey, girl, I've just made the most powerful aphrodisiac-" A drop fell out of the tube and hit the floor, bubbling and hissing as it ate a hole in the metal. "...Okay my bad it's acid but can we still fuck-"
"It's for ME, okay?!" Catra burst out, throwing her hands up. "Me! I'm fucking dumb! Are you happy now?!"
"Oh, don't worry, I can simplify the process!" Entrapta cleared her throat and began to speak very slowly, enunciating carefully. "Me...look with eyes...at rock..." She pointed to her eyes, then the data crystal, using exaggerated gestures. "Me...use math..." She paused. "One plus one equals-"
"Okay, I'm not that fucking dumb," Catra snapped. "You're going too deep into dumbass, I need you to bring it UP a few levels. Did that crystal give you enough data to upgrade our weapons or not?"
"Forget about weapons!" Entrapta wiggled in her seat, eyes wide with excitement. "This could change everything! Turns out Etheria isn't just a planet. Whatever the First Ones did to it...it went deep. Like...deep government." Catra stared at her blankly.
"...Like...what?"
"You're...asking me about my conspiracy theories?" Entrapta squealed delightedly. "Here, let me show you! I made models and a PowerPoint presentation and dioramas and I used Legos at one point-" She seized them each by a pigtail and dragged them off into the vents.
"I told you she was sus!" Scorpia screamed as she was pulled in.
-Back With Adora-
Meanwhile, back at the Beacon, Adora was being led around by the woman calling herself Light Hope, though Adora was still doubtful.
"Hey, lady," she said, "I don't want to be rude but...the fuck are you, bish?"
"I am Light Hope," the woman repeated calmly. "Etheria's facilitator. I was created by the First Ones. They were explorers who came from beyond the stars to settle here-"
"Oh, great, colonizers," Adora huffed in disgust. "Seriously, go back to your own planet-"
"They built this place, the Crystal Castle, just for you." Light Hope raised her hands and the lights came on, revealing a large workout room filled with glittering crystals, a jacuzzi and mini-fridge in the corner.
"...Maybe they weren't so bad-"
"I have waited so long for you." Light Hope guided Adora over to an impressive mural of She-blah on the wall. "I made you this."
"Wow, really?" Adora blinked. "That's-"
"And this." Light Hope held up a disturbingly life-like doll of She-blah.
"Whoa!" Adora recoiled in horror. "That's, uhh…nice. How…did you make it?"
"I used natural, organic and recycled materials," Light Hope stated.
"Wait, what does that mean?" Adora asked nervously. "You didn't use, like, real living people to make that, right?"
"Of course not."
"Okay, phew-"
"They were dead."
"BITCH HOLD ON WHAT-" Adora sputtered.
"They died of natural causes," Light Hope went on.
"So you just…found some dead bodies and used them?"
"Oh, no. I killed them. So naturally they died."
Adora just stood there, horrified.
"…I mean you're right but you're also SO SO WRONG-"
"Now the time has come to show you your destiny," Light Hope abruptly changed the subject. "You are She-blah, Etheria's champion, appointed by the First Ones to protect and unite our planet. There have been many before you, but the line was broken." She looked at Adora sorrowfully. "You are the first She-blah in a thousand years."
Adora stared at her.
"...Okay but I'm the coolest one right-"
-Aaaand Back to Catra-
"...and so the government is run by lizard people, Bush did 911," Entrapta was explaining enthusiastically, "and the world is actually flat-"
"Hey, I have a question," Catra cut in. "Do we HAVE to do this in the vents?"
All three of them were stuffed inside a narrow vent like sardines. Scorpia wasn't complaining, though. She was pretty sure her claw was touching Catra's butt- no wait that was Entrapta's she'd have to remember to wash it later-
"Are you not comfortable?" Entrapta asked, confused.
A rat scurried over her foot.
"...Not really, no-"
"Oh, fine!" Entrapta banged a fist on the wall and the vent beneath them opened, depositing them into a room with a large model of the planet. "Okay, here's my diagram of Etheria, which, as you can see, I constructed by compressing kitty litter-"
"Is that where all of it went?!" Catra glared at her. "I had to shit on the toilet like a disgusting human. I had to use toilet paper. Do you have any idea how gross that- wait never mind you shit your pants on the daily of course you don't-"
"Hey, I'll have you know these diapers are working wonders for me," Entrapta argued hotly. "So anyway this is Etheria. The cat turds represent the First Ones technology that runs throughout its core. The whole planet is the First Ones tech! Isn't that so amazing? Who else is horny?!" She threw up a hand and looked around expectantly.
Scorpia paused, then slowly raised hers.
-Back to...Adora...-
"Everything on Etheria is connected," Light Hope continued. "The Princesses are granted power over the elements through their Runestones. It is your duty as She-blah to bring them together. Only then can balance be restored to Etheria-"
"Skip!" Adora said suddenly. Light Hope kept talking. "SKIP!" She still wouldn't shut up. "Godammit, this stupid cutscene is unskippable. I don't care about Runestones! I'm sure they're not important."
-Catra (okay I'm seriously getting real nauseous here)-
"Runestones are extremely important," Entrapta was explaining. "They regulate the planet through the Princesses. They're also connected to each other and to Etheria's power grid like human batteries - which brings me to my Matrix theory-"
"Just tell me what it all means!" Catra interrupted impatiently.
"It means they're our best access point to..." Entrapta lowered her voice. "…hack the planet."
-Ador- *HUUURK*-
"When the Princesses and their elements are in balance," Light Hope babbled on, oblivious to Adora frantically poking at her chest and face in a vain attempt to find the 'skip' button, "Etheria functions as it should, but the Horde is destroying us in their quest for power." She waved a hand and showed multiple images of the Horde attacking forests and towns with their lasers and tanks, reducing parts of the planet a desolate wasteland, littering, and leaving their cell-phone chargers plugged in-
"Alright, I found the skip button," Adora said, holding up her fist. "It certainly works in normal conversation." She swung and it passed straight through Light Hope's face. "…God-fucking-dammit."
-Cat- *HOOOOOOOGHHH*-
"Hack. The planet?" Catra repeated slowly, a look of disbelief on her face. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and Scorpia here told me we'd make a cute couple."
"…Why you gotta play me like this, boo?" Scorpia whispered mournfully.
"It won't be easy," Entrapta went on. "There's only a few Runestones in the entire world. It'll take me months of searching before I even know where to find one-"
"Out the hallway and to the left," Scorpia said matter-of-factly. Catra and Entrapta looked at her. "…You know. The Black Garnet." They gaped. "I'm a Princess, remember? My family had it and we gave it to Hordak because he asked so nicely-"
"You have a RUNESTONE?!" Entrapta shrieked, beginning to vibrate excitedly. "Where is it?! Can I see it can I touch it can I lick it-" Okay nevermind she's just horny again ew.
"What would you even DO with it?" Catra asked. Entrapta's eyes went wide and she opened her mouth.
"Well first I'd get some lube-"
"LEMME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE." Catra cut her off. "I meant non-sexually."
"Well, if I hack the Runestone grid, we could boost the Garnet's power and use it as a power source," Entrapta said, thinking fast, "or even a weapon! Although there's a big chance it might just explode and I would die in fiery agony-"
"Sounds perfect! It's a win-win! Let's go." Catra clapped her hands together.
"Uh, I dunno if Shadow Weaver's gonna like that," Scorpia began hesitantly.
"Even better! Now we're definitely gonna do it!" Catra chuckled evilly, her laughter echoing up into the rafters where, unbeknownst to them, Hordak's evil little imp baby was sitting, watching them creepily. "…Why do I smell poop. Entrapta, for Christ's sake, go wipe again."
-*Gasp Pant*...Back to…Adora...-
Adora, meanwhile, was now beating her head against the wall as Light Hope droned on and on about She-blah history, describing each of the thousand past She-blah's in excruciating detail.
"-her favorite color was purple, and her shoe size was-"
"Oh my God, ENOUGH!" Adora shouted, whirling around, a trickle of blood running down her forehead. "I don't give a FUCK about planetary balance and stupid stones and other shit! All I want is to learn how to heal my friend!"
"That's simple. Her connection to her Runestone has been disrupted," Light Hope said. "You can certainly learn to heal your friend-"
"I can?!" Adora perked up. "Alright, awesome!"
"...through strenuous training."
"Alright not so awesome." Adora slumped. "How long will this take?"
"About five-"
"Five minutes? Great, let's get started!"
"...hundred years."
"Holy FUCK can you please stop getting my hopes up?"
"Well maybe you should stop cutting me off then, bitch," Light Hope snapped back. Adora blinked. "Apologies, I have a clap-back subroutine. Would you like me to uninstall?"
"Look, I'm only here to fix my friend, not the planet," Adora snorted. "I'm not Smoky the fucking Bear-" Smokey the Bear leaned around the corner, giving her the stink-eye. "...How the fuck did you even get in here please don't hurt me-"
"You are She-blah," Light Hope said simply. "Your purpose is to protect all of Etheria. You do not realize the importance of your role. You are distracted by your attachments. The last She-blah, Mara, had attachments as well." Her eyes glowed red. "…Until I eliminated them."
"Wait, Mara? She's real?" Adora gaped. "So you're telling me that crazy old lady wasn't batshit- hold on you did what now-"
"Mara struggled to control the power of She-blah," Light Hope continued. "Eventually it became too much for her and she put in her two-week notice, stranding us here in the empty dimension Despandos. She broke the She-blah line, nearly destroying us. Please, Adora, you must stay here with me. I will train you to be a better She-blah than Mara could ever be. I will make you happy, cook your favorite meals and rub your feet-"
"Look, lady," Adora cut in, "it's obvious you had a bad break-up with your last She-blah. I think you need to take some time to focus on you and work through some issues. I am not ready for this commitment. Now stop trying to manipulate me into staying."
"I'm not manipulating you," Light Hope said. "Here are some videos of all your friends suffering from your association." Various screens lit up, showing Bow, Glimmer, and the other Princesses all in various stages of pain and agony.
"BITCH WHAT THE FUCK-"
"Don't you see?" Light Hope pressed. "Your friends are endangered by your very presence. You should just stay here. Forget them. They can't love you like I can-"
"For the last time, I'm not leaving them!" Adora shouted back.
"Very well. I understand." Light Hope paused. "Could you tell me their address? I want to send them a…thank-you card."
"Oh, sure, they live at- WAIT A SECOND."
-Back to Catra-
Entrapta crouched in front of the Black Garnet in Shadow Weaver's room, busily working with a blowtorch and plugging in wires, her mask flipped down over her face.
"Uh…a little help?" Scorpia was flopping around on her back, tangled in some wires like a big dumb kitten. "No wait this is kinda sexy right-"
"What's taking so fucking long?" Catra barked, tapping her foot impatiently. "Hurry it up before-"
Shadow Weaver suddenly walked in, her arms full of groceries.
Everyone froze for a long, awkward moment.
"…Hey there how ya doing we're just performing some routine maintenance on the Black Garnet here," Scorpia blurted out, snipping herself free and hurrying over to the crystal. "Cleaning and buffing it for you, the usual. We'll even throw in a free waxing!" She hawked and spat on it, rubbing absently. "Nothing at all to be alarmed about, this is perfectly normal- oh ew this thing is filthy-" She pulled out a bottle of Windex and a squeegee and started spraying it down.
"Catra!" Shadow Weaver rounded on her, looming ominously. "How DARE you enter my personal chambers and touch my things!"
"Fuck your stupid rock," she hissed back, eyes narrowed to slits. "It's mine now. I peed on it and everything."
"Is that what this stain is?" Scorpia asked. "Man, it is NOT coming out." She bent over, scrubbing harder. "I think I might need a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser or even some bleach-"
"Did you get permission from Lord Hordak-" Shadow Weaver began.
"I didn't, actually," Catra corrected.
"Then WHY-"
"Because fuck you that's why."
"Catra and Entrapta, good job on your new science project!" Hordak said proudly, appearing on the computer screen mounted on the wall. "I see you've been working hard on a way to combine First Ones' tech with our machines to weaponize it. You'll win the Science Fair's trophy for sure!"
"You're really going to let her tinker with my Runestone?!" Shadow Weaver cried in outrage.
"Of course, we don't want to stifle their academic growth! They need to be allowed free reign for them to truly blossom. They get to do whatever they want to the Black Garnet," Hordak said, then turned to Entrapta. "And also could you look at my laptop sometime it's running like super slow, the fan is screaming right now and I don't know why-"
"Probably all the porn you're watching," the imp baby said, popping up.
"Shhh, you're in timeout," Hordak said, pushing it away.
"You can't DO this!" Shadow Weaver shouted. "The Black Garnet is MINE! I got it in the divorce and you got to keep the kid! I even let you keep the damn pet even though I wanted to get rid of it!" She pointed accusingly at Catra, who flipped her off in return.
"Oh, this is just like you," Hordak scoffed. "You're being ridiculous right now. Mother was right about you-"
"You don't respect boundaries! Plus you never helped with the dishes!"
"ME?! You're the one who can't change a diaper-" Hordak began, lifting the little imp baby.
"Do NOT bring the children into this!"
"Guys, stop it! I hate it when you fight!" Scorpia said, bursting into tears.
"Why are you so upset about us messing with your dumb crystal?" Catra asked. "It's not like we're going to break it-"
*Crack!*
Everyone turned to see Entrapta holding a jackhammer up to the Black Garnet, an innocent expression on her face.
"…Don't mind me-"
"NO!" Shadow Weaver lunged forward, shadows flailing everywhere, smashing things to pieces.
"There she goes again, throwing a fit because she's not getting what she wants," Hordak sighed. "Catra, take her out-"
Catra slugged her. Shadow Weaver collapsed to the floor, her mask broken in two.
"…I meant to dinner. Food calms her down. Somewhere nice, classy, but not too expensive. But that works too." Hordak waved. "Keep up the good work, girls!" The screen winked off.
"Can I have her for spare parts?" Entrapta was suddenly standing over Shadow Weaver with a chainsaw. "I promise I won't make a mess." Everyone just stared at her. "...Okay I will but I'll clean it up I swear-"
"What are you making, a bitchy Frankenstein? Just stuff her in a garbage disposal." Shaking her head, Catra turned to find Scorpia huddled in a corner, sucking her thumb. "...The fuck are you doing."
"Is it over?" Scorpia asked timidly. "Are they done fighting? Can't we all just hug and get along?" She stared up a Catra. "…Maybe kiss a little?"
"You can kiss my ass, you big baby."
"…Promise?"
"You're so fucking weird."
"Speaking of weird, here we go!" Entrapta cried, throwing a few more switches and rushing over to a computer console, typing away. "Let's get freaky!"
"...Okay which freaky are we talking about?" Scorpia raised a claw. "Like scary freaky or sex freaky? Because if it's the latter I'm gonna need a safe word. I know, let's use 'lemonade'!"
The Black Garnet powered up with an ominous buzz, then blasted a black column of light up into the sky. Red lightning began to rain down around the fortress.
"Lemonade! LEMONADE!"
-With the Incredibly Gay Stallion...and Swift Wind and Glimmer lol-
Meanwhile, Glimmer, Bow, and Swift Wind were trudging through the Whispering Woods, searching for Adora.
"…and that's when I bit the guy's face off and freed all of his horses," Swift Wind was saying proudly. "The guy was basically a slave trader. Plus, he was ugly. I did you all a favor-"
"Oh my God cool story bro- I am SO scared right now," Bow turned and whispered to Glimmer. "Could you please walk next to him for a little while?"
"And smell his nasty horse breath?" Glimmer scoffed. "I don't think so!"
"Yeah, keep your distance, I don't wanna catch your magic herpes or whatever," Swift Wind said. "So anyway I kicked another guy so hard in the dick it inverted into a vagina-"
"Whoa!" Bow yelped in surprise as a group of weird alien deer suddenly burst out of the bushes in front of them.
"Brethren!" Swift Wind gasped. "Would you like to join me in my equine protest-" They ran right by. "Hey! Don't ignore me! You need to get woke, bitches! Check your privilege!"
"What's going on?" Glimmer wondered aloud.
There was a low rumble, and then the huge bug monster from their first meeting with Adora crashed through the trees, heading straight towards them.
"OH SHIT LOOK OUT!" Bow shrieked, diving for cover. "It wants to devour our delicious fleshy bodies-" The bug ran right on by as well. "…Oh my God RUDE. Any other monster would be happy to eat this!" Bow shouted after it.
"Bow stop-"
"Come on, Glimmer, it just ran by us like we were nothing, not even a snack! Aren't you insulted just a little bit?"
"You guys, something's wrong!" Swift Wind said, prancing around in agitation and tossing his mane. "I feel something deep in my gut...some kind of strange pressure-"
*Frrrrrrrt!*
"…Oh thank God I feel SO much better-"
"Can we just fucking find Adora PLEASE?!" Bow wailed, pinching his nostrils shut.
"Oh please, I've smelled worse from you after taco night." Ignoring Bow's outraged gasp, Glimmer grabbed his hand and Swift Wind's wing and dragged them deeper into the woods. "Let's GO!"
-Back to the Fright Zone-
Back at the Horde Fortress, the Black Garnet continued to crackle with sinister power.
"Amazing," Entrapta cooed excitedly. "The Garnet is siphoning energy at an insane rate, and it's still climbing!"
"...Are we gonna have to pay the energy bill for this?" Scorpia asked. She pulled out a calculator and started hitting buttons. "I don't know if we can afford this-"
"Fuck it!" Catra said impatiently, smacking it out of her claws. "We're sending the bill to Hordak! Keep going!"
-Aaand Back to the Whispering Woods-
"Ugh." Bow suddenly shivered, rubbing his arms for warmth. "Is it just me, or is it getting really cold all of a sudden?"
"You're wearing a sleeveless crop top in the woods at night," Glimmer pointed out.
"…And? What's your point? I know I'm adorable, honey." He gave her a look. "...But seriously though get over here and cuddle with me or something-"
White flakes began to drift down from the clouds above, slowly blanketing the forest.
"It's...snowing?" Glimmer said, her eyes wide with wonder.
"That's impossible!" Bow protested. "It never snows in the Whispering Woods! Not even that winter I asked Santa-"
There was a sudden blast of frigid wind and the clouds above lit up with bolts of red lightning.
"I knew I should have asked for an X-box!" Bow shouted. "I'm getting a refund, you jolly old fuck!" He and Glimmer crowded up against the horse for shelter. "We can't stay here! Swift Wind, can you sense Adora?"
"Bitch, I don't need to!" Swift Wind tossed his mane. "I could follow the smell of her disgusting deodorant all the way from Bright Moon. Follow me!"
They set off, struggling through the woods as they made their way towards a faint light in the distance. Finally they stumbled out of the tree-line to find the ancient ruin, the beacon still blazing up top, and started pounding on the walls.
"Let us in! Let us innnnn!" Glimmer shouted, grabbing the fence and shaking it.
"God I miss Vine," Swift Wind muttered. "Seriously, though, open the fuck UP!"
"Guys, we're being really aggressive," Bow said thoughtfully. "Maybe if we knock softly they won't be scared and let us in- oh my GOD we haven't even said please what are we animals-"
"Let me handle this!" Swift Wind shouldered his way in front of them, facing the door.
"Oh, awesome," Bow said, "are you going to use some of your new magical-"
He turned and kicked the door down.
"...You really ARE connected to Adora." Glimmer blinked. "Let's go!" They hurried inside out of the storm, emerging into a larger chamber.
"Adora!" Bow cried, seeing her lying unconscious on a crystal table, her sword and a glass of water at her side. They gathered around her and paused. "Okay, well, it looks like one of us is going to have to wake her up with a magic kiss. I'm looking at you Glimmer, you're the Princess." He patted her shoulder. "Use that tongue thing that I taught you-"
"Oh my God, NO!" Glimmer cried, aghast.
"Why, cuz she's a girl?"
"I haven't brushed my teeth, like, all day and my breath is horrible-"
"Oh. Here, babygirl, I gotchu." Bow hawked and spat out a wad of gum from his mouth into Glimmer's. She caught it and started chewing noisily.
"You two are fucking disgusting," Swift Wind stated. "Don't worry, I've got this." He leaned towards Adora. "I'm sure my tongue technique is far superior to yours-"
"Noooo!" Glimmer and Bow screamed in horror.
-With Adora-
Adora, meanwhile, was still trapped in the simulation, trying to talk to Light Hope, who had begun to glitch and lag, walking into a wall.
"God, what is your problem? I'm not even using Wi-Fi!" Adora grumbled, taking out her cellphone. "I have like two bars right now!"
"Adora!"
"Great, now you sound like a dude. I'm going on Airplane mode-" Light Hope suddenly flickered and disappeared, replaced by Swift Wind, and she gasped delightedly. "Oh my God, baby, I missed you so much! I'm so glad to see you-"
"Sweetie," Swift Wind cut her off, "I'm gay as fuck, if the sparkly horn and rainbow wings didn't tip you off already. Plus I fart glitter. Hurts a little, to be honest." He paused, looking her up and down. "Also your hair is super ugly and I can see your chin-hairs from here. How about I return the favor and give you a makeover?"
Adora stared at him in horror.
"...I liked you better when you didn't talk."
"Same, bitch. Anyway, I'm here to bust you out." Swift Wind glanced around. "Where's the exit so we can dip?"
"No, you don't understand," Adora protested, shaking her head. "Light Hope said I should stay here. I think I she has a point. If I leave, I'll just make things worse. I have to use my power to help Etheria-"
"That's dumb."
Adora blinked.
"...What?"
"I said that's dumb," Swift Wind repeated bluntly. "Fuck Etheria. Be selfish. Treat yourself."
"But...but...!" Adora sputtered.
"No buts!" Swift Wind stamped a hoof. "Treat. Yo. SELF."
"I can't! I hurt the people around me and ruined my friend's lives-"
"Bitch, what did you think friendship meant? Hugs and kisses and holding hands? Bullshit! This is what true friendship is – ruining their fucking lives. You heard of BFFs? It's not Best Friends Forever. It's Besties Fucked Forever. Cuz they got you. And they still love you anyway."
"...You're right," Adora said quietly. "I'm not like those other She-blahs. I didn't do this to fulfill some stupid destiny. I became She-blah because I randomly wandered into the woods, tripped on a branch and molested a magical sword on accident!" She paused. "...Also to help others and all that corny shit-"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, no judgment, let's fucking go already." Swift Wind snorted. "...Jk I'll still totally be judging you-"
"Seriously, stop talking." A triangular portal opened up in front of them and Adora shoved him through.
-Several Minutes Later...-
Adora's eyes popped open to find herself laying on the floor, staring up at Bow, Glimmer, and Swift Wind as they crowded around her, their faces tight with concern. There was a long, pregnant pause.
"…Why is there gum in my mouth."
"Sorry," Glimmer said sheepishly, "it must have slipped in there when I was kissing you-"
"You kissed me?!" Adora gaped at her in disbelief.
"I know, I'm sorry-"
"When I wasn't even awake to enjoy it? Get down here right now missy-"
Glimmer laughed as she was dragged down for more kisses. "Well, you're definitely fine!"
"Hey, save some for me!" Bow cried, joining in on the kissing spree. "Do you like the thing she's doing with her tongue? I taught her that!"
"Wow, I'm impressed!" Adora broke away and glanced around. "We should probably get outta here before Light Hope comes back and tries to guilt trip me again. Bitch has attachment issues."
"Ugh, I hear ya, girl. I had an ex just like that!" Bow said. "Let's all jump on Swift Wind and-"
"Try it and I'll bite your face off," Swift Wind stated flatly.
Bow went deathly pale.
"It's cool, guys, you can ride me." Adora said. "For the honor of Grayskull!" She transformed into She-blah and picked her friends up, carrying them outside on her shoulders. The weather had worsened into a raging blizzard and lightning crackled across the sky as the Whispering Woods froze around them, tree branches turning to ice and shattering to pieces. "…On second thought, let's just call an Uber,"
-Horde Fortress One Last Time-
Back at the Horde Fortress, Catra and Scorpia walked out onto a balcony, watching the red lightning spark ominously along the billowing clouds.
"What do you think it's doing?" Scorpia asked nervously.
"I don't know..." Catra said, her eyes flashing with dark satisfaction, "and I don't care."
*Kra-KOWWWW!*
"HOLY SHIT THAT GRAZED MY FUCKING EAR OKAY I CARE I CARE ALOT GET THE FUCK BACK INSIDE-"
-Episode 12 End-
